HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood"

After Jason retired from killing, he became a lawn care specialist

It's 1988. We're less than two years from the 90s. Hair metal is reigning supreme and Guns N' Roses are just one year into enjoying their time at the top, thanks to Appetite for Destruction. We're a mere two years away from Kurt Cobain and Nirvana ruining party time for everyone, and we're also getting to the point where these 1980s slasher movies are running completely out of steam. Freddy and Jason have been duking it out since 1984, but it's starting to get to be like the thirteenth, fourteenth, even fifteenth round in a prize fight; you got to see what you paid to see, and now you just want to go home. This next one I have for you is no exception. Welcome to Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, a movie that teaches us you don't have to have anything left in the tank creatively to make a movie in your franchise. Let's dive into this anus and figure out why.

This "teen" dresses and looks like she's 40.

While the undead and decomposing Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) remains chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake since the events of Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI, young Tina Shepard witnesses her alcoholic father physically abusing her mother. Tina unlocks previously latent telekinetic powers, which results in her father's death at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Remember what I said awhile back about "jumping the shark"? Well, here we are. We've officially made this "science-fiction". But hey, if you don't believe already that a supernatural hockey mask wearing killer can rise from the grave continuously without end and not call it science-fiction, then you need to seek some help weirdo.

Several years later, Tina (Lar Pink Lincoln) who is now a teenager, is still struggling with the guilt surrounding her father's death. I mean, I would too if my own untapped telekinetic abilities iced my dad. Tina's mother, Amanda (Susan Blu) takes her to the same lakeside residence so that her powers can be studied by her psychiatrist. Dr. Christopher Crews (Terry Kiser) begins a series of experiments, and by "experiment" I mean a series of rounds where he just verbally assaults her for hours on end for his twisted amusement, designed to agitate Tina's mental state, forcing her powers to become more pronounced. However, it is revealed that Dr. Crews is really trying to exploit Tina's psychic powers for his own personal gain. Why? I don't know, but it sounds good so the filmmakers went with it. Maybe he wants to fight crime or rob banks. After a particularly upsetting session with Dr. Crews, Tina runs from the cabin and to the dock thinking about her father's death. While thinking about him, she wishes he would come back. Instead, Tina's torment from her psychic powers is increased as the chain around Jason's neck is broken. Jason emerges from the lake, apparently holding his breath all this time, and his reign of terror descends on the area once again. Hallelujah, pass the dip.

"Don't worry, babe. We're only in one of these things."

Next door to the Shepard residence is our killing gallery for Part VII who are throwing a birthday party for their friend Michael (William Butler). The group includes Michael's cousin Nick (Kevin Blair), preppy Russell (Larry Cox) and his girlfriend Sandra (Heidi Kozak), Ben (Craig Thomas) and his girlfriend Kate (Diane Almeida), science fiction writer Eddie (Jeff Bennett), stoner David (Jon Renfield), perky Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan), shy Maddy (Diana Barrows), and snobby socialite Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan). Clearly these guys sound more like Pokemon trainers than actual Jason Voorhees victims, but hey, I have to describe them somehow. The movies give them gimmicks each time they pop up, so I might as well follow suit. Nick, who has arrived just for the party, becomes attracted to Tina, much to Melissa's chagrin. Melissa attempts to break up Nick and Tina, even going as far by kissing Eddie to make Nick jealous, but her schemes are to no avail. Wait... I must've popped in an episode of Dawson's Creek by accident, because this is some CW shit. Tina tells Nick about Jason and has a vision of Jason murdering Michael. Meanwhile, Jason kills Michael in real life, along with Michael's girlfriend Jane, and later kills another couple camping in the woods.

This chick looks like Courtney Love if her life
were on track.

While Tina goes off with Nick to find her mother, Jason proceeds to kill the other teens. Russell and Sandra go to the lake for a swim (a common error) While Sandra goes skinny-dipping (another common error), Russell is killed with an axe to his face (a common kill). Sandra discovers his body before she is pulled under the water. Maddy goes looking for David but finds Russell's body. She runs for help, but Jason attacks her in a nearby barn and kills her with a sickle. Jason then kills Ben by crushing his skull and then Kate by driving a party horn into her eye. Okay, that one's creative. Inside the house, Jason stabs David and later slices Eddie in the neck. Upstairs, Robin finds David's body and is thrown out a window to her death. When Jason attacks Dr. Crews, he saves himself by using Amanda as a human shield, the limey bastard, but Jason eventually kills him with a pole chainsaw. Tina finds her mother's body shortly afterwards and uses her powers to electrocute Jason and to crash the house down on him. Nick and Tina try to tell Melissa what happened. Melissa thinks she is crazy and tries to leave the house, but Jason kills her with an axe slammed into her face. So that's... two axe-to-the-face kills. This movie's getting a tad repetitive.

"Zombie dad" who isn't even remotely a zombie.

Nick tries to fight off Jason, but he is quickly subdued. Tina unleashes her powers, which forces Jason's mask to tighten until it breaks in two, revealing his disfigured face. Probably the most iconic point of the movie. As the battle rages on, the Shepard lakeside cabin is destroyed by an explosive fire. In probably the stupidest fucking ending to any of these movies, Tina unknowingly uses her telekinetic abilities and summons the spirit of her father, who emerges from the lake and drags Jason back down with him into the depths of Crystal Lake, chaining the killer once more. I don't even have words to describe that. So is her father undead like Jason is? Is he not and just a hallucination? If so, how did Jason get subdued by a hallucination? Doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever. Pretty stupid ending. The following morning, Tina and Nick are taken away in the ambulance. While someone finds Jason's broken mask in the wreckage, the screen fades to black while Jason's whispers can be heard from far away, signaling that even still... Jason will return once more.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood is about as cliche as it gets. Tons of it is recycled crap and the same generic dialogue with the same ditzy characters we've seen already. Having been through six previous movies in eight years, it's no wonder why things seem a little stale. None of the characters are even remotely memorable, and I get that; you can't have character development in a movie like this that has like ten or eleven kids it has to kill or else the movie would be like three hours long. While the scene where Jason's mask rips off and exposes his face for a good jump scare is pretty great, even by today's standards, the telekinetic ending was pretty stupid and it only served to put Jason right back to where he was... chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake like the end of Part VI. So pretty much nothing was accomplished. Don't know what we were expecting.