HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Freddy vs. Jason"

LOL They even made it look like a boxing poster.

Happy Halloween everyone. The ghosts are about, the goblins are playing their under-the-table card games, black cats are howling in the night and... I've got this completely mixed up. Oh well, who cares. It's time to get to the main event. We've been through it all, guys. Seventeen blog posts this month, chronicling two of the most iconic slasher movie villains of all time. Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th and Freddy Krueger of A Nightmare on Elm Street. They duked it out in the box office for close to twenty years at this point, yet neither man had anything left in the tank on their own. However, right around 2000, people started getting curious. "What if they fought?" "What if they slapped each other silly?" "What if we did one of the greatest versus movies of all time?" Much like the computer fight in Rocky Balboa, the ending of Jason Goes to Hell where Freddy Krueger's clawed hand grabbed Jason's mask and pulled it under the dirt got people talking. Well, in 2003, we got our wish in probably one of the best 'versus' movies of all time, as well as a gloriously produced 1980s slasher movie throwback nostalgia movie. It's witty, it's silly, it's weird, it's cheesy; it's a good one. Let's roll!

Showdown of the Immortals

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund, in his final film appearance as Freddy) is rendered powerless in Hell because the people of Springwood manage to make the youth forget about him. Today? That would never happen. The internet would keep Freddy alive when weird basement dwellers read Wikipedia articles about serial killers. God, could you imagine if Netflix made a "Making a Murderer" episode about Freddy?  Anywho, isguised as a poorly cosplayed Pamela Voorhees, Freddy manipulates Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger) into coming back to life and start killing Springwood teenagers to generate fear of Freddy's presumed return. In Springwood, Lori Campbell (Monica Keena) lives with her widowed father and has her friends Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland), Gibb Smith (Katharine Isabelle), Trey (Jesse Hutch), and Blake staying over. That night, Jason kills Trey, and the police suspect Freddy, fearing his return. Following a nightmare where Freddy tries to kill Blake but fails due to not being powerful enough, Blake awakens to find his father beheaded before Jason kills him as well. The next day, police claim it to be a murder–suicide, hoping to contain Freddy. Already, this does feel like a cheap 1980s slasher movie, but being made in 2003, I'll give that as a compliment.

Give your burnt uncle Freddy a smooch

Lori's ex-boyfriend Will Rollins (Jason Ritter) and friend Mark Davis (Brendan Fletcher) are patients at Westin Hills Psychiatric Hospital, from the Nightmare mythology. They take Hypnocil to suppress their dreams due to previous contact with Freddy. A news report about the murders motivate Mark and Will to escape and return to Springwood in order to warn Lori about Freddy. That night, Lori and the others attend a rave at a cornfield, a full-on party and therefore a slasher movie's favorite target for teenage slaughter. Freddy tries to kill Gibb in a nightmare, but Jason kills her in the real world along with several other attendees in the rave, going on one giant bloodbath, which causes Freddy to realize that Jason's rampage will deny him victims. Freddy begins losing faith in Jason and decides to take action to suppress or even kill Jason.

Our lovestory takes a backseat to two immortal
uglies slashing at each other.

Charlie Linderman (Chris Marquette) and Bill Freeburg (Kyle Labine) escape the rave along with Will, Lori, and Kia. Later, Will explains to Lori that the reason he was sent to Westin Hills was because he saw her father murder her mother, before going to Mark's house. However, they discover Freddy killing Mark and leaving a message on his body that declares his full-powered return. Deputy Scott Stubbs (Lochlyn Munro) approaches Lori and her friends, who realize Freddy's plan and convince him of the truth. Learning of Hypnocil, they attempt to steal it from Westin Hills and see many teenagers in a coma-like-state due to prolonged Hypnocil use, but Freddy possesses Freeburg and disposes of the medicine. Having followed them, Jason electrocutes Stubbs to death but is tranquilized by a possessed Freeburg, whom Jason kills before falling asleep. "Come to Freddy", GOD I love Robert Englund's voice in this one.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours

Taking Jason's body with them, the teens devise a plan to pull Freddy from the dream world into reality and force him to fight Jason. They take the unconscious Jason to the now abandoned Camp Crystal Lake, which I always thought was in New Jersey. Yet, Springwood is in Ohio. That's... a pretty fucking far drive. Meanwhile, Freddy battles Jason in the dream world. where Freddy has the advantage due to his dream powers, and Jason takes an absolute shithouse of a beating, even with comedic pinball sound effects. Freddy learns that Jason is afraid of water (a plot device that contradicts earlier Friday the 13th films) and uses this fear to render Jason powerless. Meanwhile, Lori goes to sleep and tries to save Jason. Freddy attacks her and reveals himself as her mother's killer, having possessed her father to do it. Jason, meanwhile, awakens at Camp Crystal Lake and chases the teens into a cabin. That's what I love about this movie. It goes from A Nightmare on Elm Street to Friday the 13th and back again. Linderman is killed after trying to fight Jason and the cabin ignites. Lori is awakened and manages to pull Freddy into the real world where he is confronted by Jason. As the two begin to fight, the remaining teens escape the cabin. The fight between Freddy and Jason is understandably gruesome, complete with all the gore and violence and Freddy one-liners you could want.

Better than trying to sing Jason a lullaby, I suppose

Freddy escapes Jason and goes after the teens, but he is distracted by Kia—until Jason suddenly kills her out of nowhere. The two killers resume their battle until they reach a dock on the lake, where Freddy stabs Jason's eyes, and Jason tears off Freddy's clawed arm. Lori and Will attempt to kill the two by pouring gasoline on the dock and setting it ablaze. Some propane tanks explode nearby, blasting Jason and Freddy into the lake. Freddy climbs out and attempts to kill Lori and Will, but is impaled by Jason with his own clawed arm before the latter falls back into the lake. Lori decapitates Freddy, telling Freddy "Welcome to My World, Bitch!" avenging the deaths of her friends and her mother. Freddy's body falls into the lake and sinks to the bottom. Lori and Will leave Camp Crystal Lake as the only survivors.

The next day, Jason emerges from the water, holding his machete and Freddy's severed head. However, Freddy winks to the audience before laughing off-screen, leaving the fight a complete draw. 

Freddy vs Jason is a quintessential slasher movie, versus movie, teen movie and gorefest all rolled into one. Surprisingly, it was a very good "versus" movie, and still remains as an example of how to do excellent justice to both parties when you make a movie such as this. Alien vs Predator failed to this, Alien vs Predator - Requiem failed even worse, and I can't think of another versus movie we got after that. Sure we get "Marvel crossovers", but those aren't as a badass as this. Freddy vs Jason set a precedent on how to do proper versus movies, as well as honoring both mythologies that both sides came from. The script was a solid backbone to build a foundation on, and the fact that Robert Englund came back for one last run as Freddy was just the icing on the cake.

Well that was it. Eighteen posts in October.
I'm exhausted, understandably. Think I'll go nap for like... a month and a half.
Peace.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Jason X"

Jason visits the clothing shop in Los Santos

So the 90s went by quick. The 1980s was the decade of Freddy and Jason's heydays. There were eight Jason entries and five Freddy entries. The '90s on the other hand? We got two more Freddy entries but only one Jason entry. The fire had definitely been extinguished as both men's best days were undoubtedly behind them. Well, now it's the 2000s and two very terrible things befell this decade. One of which was September 11th, 2001 and the other of which was Jason X. A movie that teaches us that you don't have to honor the previous movies, do them justice, respect the franchise or the legacy and mythology it's built, be coherent, be funny or witty, or really do anything right in general... if all you want to do is cash-in on taking Jason Voorhees and tossing him into outer space. It just sucks, sucks, sucks. It's obviously like The Room, in the case that it was made to suck. But if we're going to review it as a horror movie, it's not even remotely scary. Not even close. If we're going to review it as a comedy, I mean it's funny, but only painfully and accidentally. It's just dreadful to sit through. I had to dig into this shit-heap, for you, and find out why. Let's roll.

Yes... "scientist".

In the distant future of 2010 (Cue the laughter), Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) is captured by the United States government and held at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. Right off the bat, continuity is tossed out the airlock. It's evident this movie doesn't follow any continuity because Jason was dragged to Hell at the end of... well... Jason Goes to Hell. So it's pretty evident that this was just some arthouse boner's acid trip that he put on an 80-page script and said "GOLD". Government scientist Rowan LaFontaine (Lexa Doig) decides to place Jason in frozen stasis after several failed attempts to kill him. While Private Samuel Johnson (Jeff Geddis) places a blanket on Jason, Dr. Wimmer (David Cronenberg), Sergeant Marcus (Markus Parilo), and a few soldiers hope to further research Jason's rapid cellular regeneration and try to take Jason. They pull off the blanket covering his body, but find Johnson dead, instead. Having broken free of his restraints, Jason kills the soldiers and Wimmer. Rowan lures Jason into a cryogenic pod and activates it. Jason then ruptures the pod with his machete and stabs Rowan in the abdomen, spilling cryogenic fluid into the sealed room and freezing them both.

Four hundred and forty-five years later, in 2455 (We'll have a hard time hitting that one), Earth has become too polluted to support life and humans have moved to a new planet, Earth Two. Three students, Tsunaron (Chuck Campbell), Janessa (Melyssa Ade), and Azrael (Dov Tiefenbach), are on a field trip led by Professor Braithwaite Lowe (Jonathan Potts), who is accompanied by an Android robot, KM-14 (Lisa Ryder... basically our "Milla Jovovich" copycat for this movie). They enter the Crystal Lake facility and find the still-frozen Jason and Rowan, whom they bring to their spaceship, the Grendel. Why? Great question. You'll have a lot of those watching this. Also on the ship are Lowe's remaining students, the rest of our killing gallery, Kinsa (Melody Johnson), Waylander (Derwin Jordan), and Stoney (Yani Gellman). They reanimate Rowan while Jason is pronounced dead and left in the morgue. Lowe's intern, Adrienne Thomas (Kristi Angus), is ordered to dissect Jason's body. Lowe, who is in serious debt, calls his financial backer Dieter Perez (Robert A. Silverman), of the Solaris, who recognizes Jason's name and notes that Jason's body could be worth a substantial amount to a collector. Why? I don't know. You ever wonder if Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer are worth a substantial amount of money now? Doubt it.

Our discount Samuel L. Jackson for the movie

While Stoney and Kinsa are having sex... weird, odd, fetish sex... Jason thaws out and attacks Adrienne (who doesn't even dress like a scientist), then freezes her face with liquid nitrogen before smashing her head to pieces on a counter. Movie gets some credit...  decent kill. Jason takes a machete-shaped surgical tool and makes his way through the ship. He stabs Stoney in the chest and drags him to his death, to Kinsa's horror. Sergeant Brodski (Peter Mensah) leads a group of soldiers to attack Jason. Meanwhile, Jason attacks and kills Dallas by bashing his skull against the wall after breaking Azrael's back. He then tries to attack Crutch, but Brodski and his soldiers save him. Jason disappears; after Brodski splits up his team, Jason kills them one by one. Lowe orders Pilot Lou (Boyd Banks) to dock in on Solaris, a nearby space station. As he is talking with the Solaris engineer, he is hacked apart by Jason. With no pilot, the ship crashes through Solaris, destroying it, and killing Dieter Perez and everyone else on the Solaris. The crash damages one of the Grendel's pontoon sections. Jason breaks into the lab, reclaims his machete and decapitates Lowe. So, business as usual in this point in the flick... just if Jason Voorhees somehow attacked the Sulaco from Aliens and started hacking Colonial Marines to pieces.

Our parody Aliens staff with our Resident Evil
Milla Jovovich clone

With the ship badly damaged, the remaining survivors head for Grendel's shuttle, while Tsunaron heads elsewhere with KM-14. After finding Lou's remains, Crutch (Philip Williams) and Waylander prepare the shuttle. Rowan finds Brodski, but he is too heavy for her to carry, so she leaves to get help. Waylander leaves to help with him, while Crutch prepares the shuttle. Jason kills Crutch by electrocution. On board the shuttle, Kinsa hears of Crutch's death and has a panic attack... which is just bad timing to start having a mental breakdown. She attempts to escape alone and leave everyone else for dead by launching the shuttle but forgets to release the fuel line, causing it to crash into the ship's hull and explode, killing her. Tsunaron reappears with an upgraded KM-14, complete with an array of weapons and new combat skills. She cartwheels and fights Jason off and seemingly kills him, knocking him into a nanite-equipped medical station and blasting off his right arm, left leg, right rib cage, and, finally, part of his head. Don't mess with Milla.

Walking into a VR lobby like "SUP."

The survivors set explosive charges to separate the remaining pontoon from the main drive section. As they work, Jason is accidentally brought back to life by the damaged medical station, rebuilt as an even more powerful cyborg called Uber Jason... the kind of Jason that you can summon to take your drunk ass to Taco Bell at 2 AM for some quesaritos (ba dum tss). Uber Jason easily defeats KM-14 by punching her head off. As Tsunaron picks up her still-functioning head, Jason attacks them but is stopped by Waylander, who sacrifices himself by setting off the charges while the others escape. Jason survives and is blown back onto the shuttle. He punches a hole through the hull, blowing out Janessa. A power failure with the docking door forces Brodski to go EVA to fix it. Meanwhile, a hard light holographic simulation of Crystal Lake is created to distract Jason, along with two virtual teenagers to distract him, which works at first but he sees through the deception just as the door is fixed. Nice little touching throwback to the Friday the 13th movies of old. God how I miss them by comparison. Gotta give this scene credit, though. Sure makes me want to stop this movie and go watch one of those. Brodski confronts Jason so that the rest can escape. As they leave, the pontoon explodes, propelling Jason at high speed towards the survivors; however, Brodski intercepts Jason in mid-flight and maneuvers them both into the atmosphere of Earth Two, incinerating them. Tsunaron, Rowan, and KM-14 celebrate having escaped successfully, and Tsunaron assures KM-14 that he will build a new body for her. I'd sure like to see how Jason will survive atmospheric incineration, but if the Hollywood dollar is powerful enough, he'll find a way. I'm almost right... because on Earth Two, a pair of teenagers beside a lake see what they believe is a falling star as Jason's charred mask sinks to the bottom of the lake. The teenagers go to investigate and then nothing happens, setting up a possible DNA rebirth in yet another sequel that doesn't happen.

"What's wrong lady? Stiff upper lip? Lolololol"

Jason X sucks. It's like a very bad parody of Aliens that somebody through Jason Voorhees into just for shits n' giggles. It's entertaining at least, but it's not a scary nor is it purposefully funny. The stuff we're supposed to find funny sucks and the suck-ass stuff that isn't meant to be funny is funny. None of the characters are memorable, obviously. Jason is alright and Uber Jason just seems like overkill. It's just a bad, bad sequel. It's not even part of the most recent Friday the 13th blu-ray boxset. Of course, neither is Jason Goes to Hell, but that one's hit or miss with fans. You either love it or you hate it. With Jason X, there is no loving it. You either hate it but watch it to feel sorry for yourself or hate it and don't watch it at all. You tell me.

Well that was Jason's final original series entry. Ten for Jason, seven for Freddy. Tomorrow is Halloween, so the fun will pick up full force soon enough. One more to go, people. This is not a drill.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Wes Craven's New Nightmare"

Super Spooky Demon Freddy

Well if Jason telling not one, but two "Final" lies was inexcusable, you're never going to believe that someone like Freddy Krueger would break the same rule. Even worse was that it was Freddy's original brainchild that did it. That's right, Wes Craven himself returned to the franchise that he created in 1994, Freddy's 10th birthday, to give his slasher movie icon the proper send-off, as Craven was intently disgusted with the outcome of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and didn't see a wise-cracking, goofy Freddy being blown up through the use of awful computer generated imagery to be a great for his or Freddy's image. So it's back to basics! Freddy got an overhaul in this movie and he is one nightmarish (ba-dum tss) guy to look at. Seriously, the first time I saw this movie I was a little unnerved. They gave him a trench coat, dead eyes, more defined burns and a skeletal hand for his claws. It's pretty rad. Even more rad is Heather Langenkamp, known for her character Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Nightmare 3, returns as both herself and Nancy for this one. How is that possible you ask? Well the movie has a great plot, pretty unique actually. Let's dive right in. This is "Wes Craven's Cleanup Duty"... I mean, "New Nightmare".

Wes Craven's just handling his own clean-up work

Heather Langenkamp (Heather Langenkamp... groundbreaking) lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband Chase (David Newsom) and their young son Dylan (Miko Hughes)..., you know, the adorable "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" kid from Kindergarten Cop. She has become popular thanks to her role as Nancy Thompson from the Nightmare on Elm Street film series. This is already getting on "unstoppable" levels of "meta". One night she has a nightmare that her family is attacked by a set of animated Krueger claws from an upcoming Nightmare film, where two workers are brutally murdered on set. Waking up to an earthquake, she spies a cut on Chase's finger exactly like the one he had received in her dream, but she quickly dismisses the notion it was caused by the claws.

Oh look at you, you adorable little nutjob

Heather receives a call from an obsessed fan who quotes Freddy Krueger's nursery rhyme in an eerie, Freddy-like voice. This coincides with a meeting she has with New Line Cinema where she is pitched the idea to reprise her role as Nancy in a new Nightmare film which, unbeknownst to her, Chase has been working on. When she returns home, she sees Dylan watching her original film. When she interrupts him, he has a severely traumatizing episode where he screams at her. The frequent calls and Dylan's strange behavior cause her to call Chase. He agrees to rush home from his workplace as the two men from the opening dream did not report in for work. Chase falls asleep while driving and is slashed by Freddy Krueger's claw and dies. His death seems to affect Dylan even further, which causes concern for Heather's long-time friend and former co-star John Saxon (John Saxon... again, groundbreaking). He suggests she seek medical attention for Dylan and herself after she has a nightmare at Chase's funeral in which Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) tries to take Dylan away.

"Really Wes? I have to come back again?"

Dylan's health continues to deteriorate. He becomes increasingly paranoid about going to sleep, and fears Freddy Krueger, even though Heather has never shown Dylan her films. Despite the one she just caught him watching, but besides that. We'll forget that happened. She visits the director of A Nightmare on Elm Street Wes Craven (Wes Crav--... alright now you're just fucking with me, movie), who suggests that Freddy is a supernatural entity drawn to his films, freed after the film series ended with the release of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. NO, WES. Don't you dare give that shit-heap any credit whatsoever, or even acknowledge its existence. It now focuses on Heather, as Nancy, its primary foe. Freddy actor Robert Englund (Robert Engl-- OH COME ON) also has a strange knowledge of it, describing the new Freddy to Heather, then disappearing from all contact shortly after. Man, you know what this movie was missing? A scene where Freddy kills Robert Englund. That alone would've been the price of admission. Following another earthquake, Heather takes a traumatized Dylan to the hospital, where Dr. Heffner (Fran Bennett), suspecting abuse, suggests he remain under observation. Heather returns home for Dylan's stuffed dinosaur while his babysitter Julie (Tracy Middendorf) tries unsuccessfully to keep the nurses from sedating the sleep-deprived boy. Dylan falls asleep from the sedative. Freddy brutally kills Julie in Dylan's dream, asking Dylan if he's ever played "skin the cat".

"What's that? You want me to play myself?
I don't know... how scary can I be?"

Capable of sleepwalking, Dylan leaves the hospital of his own accord while Heather chases him home across the interstate as Freddy taunts him and dangles him before traffic. On returning home, Heather realizes that Saxon has established his persona as Don Thompson. When Heather embraces Nancy's role, Freddy emerges completely into reality and takes Dylan to his world. Heather finds a trail of Dylan's sleeping pills and follows him to a dark underworld. Freddy fights off Heather and chases Dylan into an oven. Dylan escapes the oven, doubles back to Heather, and together they push Freddy into the oven and light it. This destroys both the monster and his reality.

Dylan and Heather emerge from under his blankets, and Heather finds a copy of the film's events in a screenplay at the foot of the bed. Inside is written thanks from Wes for defeating Freddy and playing Nancy one last time. Her victory helps to imprison the entity of the film franchise's fictitious world once more. Dylan asks if it is a story, and Heather agrees that it is before opening the script and reading from its pages to her son.

Sneaky Demon Freddy is Sneaky

Wes Craven's New Nightmare is a pretty damn good movie. If it isn't good, then it at least feels good. I give it props for giving the middle finger to the whole "The Final Nightmare" gag. The plot is original, taking elements from both the fictitious "Freddy" universe and the real-life universe. Hell, Heather Langenkamp had a stalker in real life and Wes Craven got her permission to weave that into the actual story. That took some balls on her part... which I realize is a dumb statement because she's a woman. "Boy, that took some ovaries on her part!"... nah, I'll stick with balls. Robert Englund does a great job at returning to being the creepy, demonic Freddy that was Craven's original intent with the first movie. Miko Hughes is Miko Hughes, you either love him or you hate him, but a lot of the film's horror moments are throwbacks to that sweet, sweet 80's cheese. Sometimes going into actual spooky elements, sometimes just being flat out hilarious. I love this movie. Check it out.


So that was Freddy's seventh and final solo entry leading up to their big showdown. Sure we have the remake in 2010, but who gives a chicken's dick about the remake. Anywho, we've still got one more Jason entry to go. I know! Halloween is so close, we can taste it. Stay tuned.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday"

...and that's when Jason realized that the FBI was one step ahead of his eight mass murder sprees.

Really? Again? They're trying this gimmick again? Didn't they learn anything from the first time they tried this shtick? Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter tried to drive a knife, or shall I say a "machete", into the heart of the franchise early on, but it was revived to compete with A Nightmare on Elm Street at the box office. Now we're trying to end it again. It's interesting to note that this was the longest span of time between Friday the 13th movies since the series started. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan was 1989, and this one, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday was 1993. Four years. We're well into the 90s now, full steam ahead and it's pretty apparent these movies were completely out of steam, creatively. But you ain't seen nothing yet. This is Friday the 13th Part IX, but actually released as Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

"You guys should'a seen me. I diddly'd Jason
right in his doodly!"

At Camp Crystal Lake, an undercover government agent lures Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) into a trap set by the FBI, and armed men blow him to bits. Woah, what? Stop. Start over again. So all this time, Jason was thought of as a myth and a legend and every one of his murder sprees was considered nothing more than "hearsay" or "legend", but now the FBI buys into everything? Get fucked. Anywho, his remains are sent to a morgue, where a coroner becomes possessed by Jason's spirit after eating Jason's putrid heart... just, completely out of the blue. Seriously, everything's going cool then he just decides to chomp into Jason's heart. What in the fucking fuck is happening right now? Well, we're given no time to ponder as Jason, now in the coroner's body, escapes the morgue.

Hug me, I'm completely useless.

Meanwhile, at Crystal Lake, he finds three partying teens and kills them. Jason attacks two police officers, killing one and possessing the other. He posses them by passing this weird "worm creature" along from body to body. It's fucked up. It's like in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers when they tried to give Michael Myers a reason and it ended up being really fucking stupid. Meanwhile, bounty hunter Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) discovers only members of Jason's bloodline can truly kill him, and he will return to his normal and near-invincible state if he possesses a member of his family. The only living relatives of Jason are his half-sister Diana Kimble (Erin Gray), her daughter Jessica (Kari Keegan), and Stephanie (Brooke Scher), the infant daughter of Jessica and Steven Freeman (John D. LeMay). That's right, there are other Voorhees family members, whom even after eight other movies, we were never told about. Sure, makes perfect sense. Whatever. At this point into the 90s, who even gives a shit anymore?

Even with one eye and a mangled face, Jason
is perfectly capable of an "oh shit" face.

Anywho, Jason makes his way to Diana's house. Steven bursts in and attacks Jason. Diana is killed and Jason escapes. Steven is arrested for Diana's murder and meets Duke, who reveals Jessica's relation to Jason. Determined to get to Jessica before Jason does, Steven escapes from jail. Jessica is dating tabloid TV reporter Robert Campbell (Steven Culp). Steven goes to the Voorhees house to find evidence to convince Jessica but falls through rotten boards. Robert enters the upstairs room and receives a phone call which reveals that he is attempting to "spice up" his show's ratings by putting emphasis on Jason's return from death, having stolen Diana's body from the morgue for this reason. Jason bursts in and transfers his heart into Robert, while the body he left melts, rather gruesomely I might add. Jason leaves with Steven in pursuit. Jason attempts to be reborn through Jessica but is disrupted by Steven, who hits him and takes Jessica into his car. Steven stalls Jason by running him over, even though we all know never ever works. When he tries to explain the situation to Jessica, she disbelieves him and throws him out of the car. Seems pretty rude of her to just disregard this guy's warnings.

The worm is to this as the white horse was to
Rob Zombie's Halloween II

Jason arrives at the police station and kills most of the officers... again, rather gruesomely. He nearly possesses Jessica before Steven stops him; Jessica realizes Steven is right. In the chaos, Duke makes his escape. Jessica and Steven make their way to the diner to grab the baby. Jason arrives but is attacked by the owners of the shop. He kills the owners... proving their attacks were absolutely useless but also completely in vain. Waitress Vicki (Allison Smith) shoots him with a shotgun then impales him with an iron rod. He then impales her on the same rod before crushing her head, killing her. Jason is presumably killed, despite surviving multiple wounds and walking away from them like nothing's happened, and Jessica and Steven discover a note from Duke, telling them that he has the baby and demands that Jessica meet him at the Voorhees house alone. So... at what point did this turn into a Halloween movie? Seriously? Jason wandering around, stalking family members while everyone else gets in his way? This "Duke" guy, the closes thing we get to a "Doctor Loomis" character? Not only was Friday the 13th out of ideas, they were doing the Halloween mythology all over again.

Jessica meets Duke at the Voorhees house and is given a mystical dagger... no, you read that right... which she can use to permanently kill Jason. How many "permanent kills" we've been promised is beyond me. Honestly, this is probably the first one, but it just feels like it's been promised a million times before. A police officer enters the diner where Robert, possessed, transfers his heart into him. Duke falls through the floor, and Jessica is confronted by Landis (Billy "Green" Bush) and Randy (Kipp Marcus). Landis is killed accidentally with the dagger, and Jessica drops the dagger. Way to go, numb nuts. Randy, possessed, attempts to be reborn through Stephanie, but Steven arrives and severs his neck with a machete. How many times Steven's saved Stephanie's ass from "almost kind sorta being possessed", is again, beyond me. Jason's heart, which has grown into a demonic infant... again, you read that right... crawls out of Randy's neck to Diana's dead body in the basement. Steven and Jessica pull Duke out of the basement as Jason discovers Diana's body and slithers up her vagina, allowing him to be reborn... AGAIN. YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

The funniest fucking guy in the whole movie.

While Steven and Jessica attempt to retrieve the dagger, Duke distracts Jason and is incapacitated with a bear hug. Aww, but hugs are nice, though. Jason turns his attention to Jessica, and Steven tackles Jason, who both fight outside while Jessica retrieves the dagger. That's like eight times Steven's saved her worthless ass. Jason badly brutalizes Steven and when he is about to kill him, Jessica stabs Jason in the chest, releasing the souls Jason accumulated over time. Demonic hands burst out of the ground and pull Jason into Hell. Steven and Jessica reconcile and walk off into the sunrise with their baby. Later a dog unearths Jason's mask while digging in the dirt. Freddy Krueger's gloved hand bursts out of the dirt and pulls Jason's mask into the ground as well... setting up ten years of "talk, talk, talk" about a crossover movie but no "walk, walk, walk" from any studio at all. Still, a pretty "what the fuck" ending at the time.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is the equivalent of giving your drunk uncle the mic at a stand-up club and telling him to rattle off a plot for a Friday the 13th movie on the fly in two minutes. None of it is coherent. All the story elements feel half-assed and strung together on a whim and a hunch. The characters suck, Jessica's worthless, Duke's an overacting batch of hilarity, and to top it all off, Jason just looks hideous in this one. I mean, funny hideous, but still hideous. In the past we've gotten living Jason, hockey mask Jason, bag-head Jason, zombie Jason, zombier Jason, perpetually wet Jason and now we got "What in the fuck ever we want" Jason. I so, so wish this was the last Friday, as the movie's title implied. But for the SECOND time in this franchise's history, it would prove to itself and to us that you can't keep Jason down... even if it would've been for the good of movie-making decency.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"

Well, the magical decade of the 1980s has ended. It's the 90s now. 1991 to be exact. 1990 became the first year since 1983 to have neither a Friday the 13th nor a Nightmare on Elm Street movie released in theaters. After eight Friday the 13th movies and five A Nightmare on Elm Street movies, things were pretty tired and stale. It was about time to wrap them up and let it all go. After all, you have to remember that Halloween made its slasher movie return in 1988 and 1989 as well with Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers respectively. The theaters pretty stocked full with slasher movies, but it was time for them to end. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare became the sixth Nightmare movie released and much like Friday the 13th, it stuck "Final" into the movie to try and seal the deal, end it all, and it failed. BOY it failed.

"Hey kid, get your finger out of there."

More than a decade after the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) has since returned and killed nearly every child and teenager in the town of Springwood, Ohio. *Poof* Just like that. No warning whatsoever. The only surviving teenager, known only as "John Doe" (Shon Greenblatt), finds himself confronted by Freddy in a dream and wakes up just outside the Springwood City limits and does not remember who he is or why he is outside of Springwood. Confusing, but I'll let it slide.

At a shelter for troubled youth, Spencer (Breckin Meyer), Carlos (Ricky Dean Logan), and Tracy (Lezlie Dean) plot to run away from the shelter to California. Much like the special little boy from The Wizard, but we don't talk about that. Carlos was physically abused by his parents (dark), resulting in a hearing disability; Tracy was raped by her father (darker); and Spencer was a stoner (that's not bad). John, after being picked up by the police, becomes a resident of the shelter and a patient of Dr. Maggie Burroughs (Lisa Zane). Maggie notices a newspaper clipping in John's pocket from Springwood. To cure John's amnesia, she plans a road trip to Springwood. Tracy, Carlos, and Spencer stow away in the van to escape the shelter, but they are discovered when John has a hallucination and almost wrecks the van just outside Springwood. Boy, that was might not nice of him to try and kill everyone from the get go. Taking Freddy's job right off the bat.

This girl looks absolutely lost

Tracy, Spencer, and Carlos, after trying to leave Springwood, rest at a nearby abandoned house, which transforms into 1428 Elm Street, Freddy Krueger's former home and the home that both Nancy Thompson and Jesse from Nightmare 2 lived at, among (I'm sure) other people. John and Maggie visit Springwood Orphanage and discover that Freddy had a child. John believes he is the child because Freddy allowed him to live. Yeah movie, forget the fact that Freddy has let other people live in the past. Back on Elm Street, Carlos and Spencer fall asleep and are killed by Freddy. Tracy is almost killed, but she is awakened by Maggie. John, who went into the dream world with Tracy to try to help Spencer, is still asleep. Maggie and Tracy take him back to the shelter. On their way back, Krueger kills John in his dream, but not before revealing that Krueger's kid is a girl. As John dies, he reveals this information to Maggie. Tracy and Maggie return to the shelter, but they discover that no one remembers John, Spencer, or Carlos except for Doc (Yaphette Kotto), who has learned to control his dreams. Maggie remembers what John told her and discovers her own adoption papers, learning that she is Freddy's daughter. Her birth name was Katherine Krueger, and her name was later changed to Maggie Burroughs. Rightfully so, otherwise I feel like people would just not look at her correctly.

"No seriously, kid. Get your finger out of there."

Doc discovers Freddy's power comes from the "dream demons" who continually revive him, and that Freddy can be killed if he is pulled into the real world. So... it wasn't the stuff in the previous sequels that revived Freddy, it was ultimately the dream demons. That at least makes sense, but then why would they just show dream demons doing the work previously? Maggie decides that she will be the one to enter Freddy's mind and pull him into the real world. Once in the dream world, she puts on a pair of 3-D glasses and enters Freddy's mind. There, she discovers that Freddy was teased as a child, abused by his foster father (Alice motherfucking Cooper), inflicted self-abuse as a teenager, and murdered his wife. Freddy was given the power to become immortal from fiery demons. After some struggling, Maggie pulls Freddy into the real world.

Random big-actor cameo

Maggie and Freddy end up in hand-to-hand combat against one another, which seems a tad one-sided since because... you know... Freddy has finger knives. While Maggie continues to battle Freddy, she uses several weapons confiscated from patients at the shelter. Enraged by the knowledge of what he has done, she disarms him of his clawed glove... which seems disgustingly easy. Eventually, Maggie stabs Freddy in the stomach with his own glove while she is close to him. Tracy throws Maggie a pipe bomb. After she impales Freddy to a steel support beam she throws the bomb in his chest. She says "Happy Fathers Day", kisses him, and runs. The three dream demons fly out of Freddy after the pipe bomb kills him.... in probably one of the worst special effects shot in the entire franchise. I'm not kidding, it looks like shit. Maggie smiles at Tracy and Doc; she is confident that her father is dead... but he isn't.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is both the most penultimate and yet the goofiest fucking entry in the entire franchise. Freddy has his puns back in full force, including making Wizard of Oz and Nintendo references in his kills. "Oh, NOW I'm playing with POWER!" kills me every time. Still, this was a pretty lame way to "end" Freddy. It didn't really seem definitive, at least not anymore definitive than the previous sequels felt. Certainly no more definitive than A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors and they found a way around that. I'd say skip this one, because the next one Freddy would give us would at least be pretty horrific. But first, we have to watch Jason try and beat a dead horse...

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child"

"Bon appetit, bitch!"

Oh God Almighty. I can't believe this is going to happen and that I had to subject myself to this one again. After A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, we've learned that absolutely nothing can kill Freddy Krueger it seems like. He suffers from the same thing that Jason Voorhees does; sequelitis. No force of God or man is powerful enough to stop the money-hungry and ill-sighted Hollywood producer. So now, Freddy's been forgotten about, had his ashes and skeleton burned and buried by holy water, and had inner souls of those he's killed rip him to shreds, where was the franchise left to go? Oh, I got it. How about having Freddy inhabit the dreams of an unborn fetus. That's not weird, sadistic, confusing or the least bit uncomfortable. Well... not intentionally.

Freddy the angry chef

Taking place almost a year after A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Alice (Lisa Wilcox) and Dan (Danny Hassel) have now started dating and there is no sign of Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund). One day, in the shower, she sees herself at a strange asylum, dressed in a nun's habit with a name-tag saying Amanda Krueger (Beatrice Boepple). She is then attacked by patients at the hospital but wakes up. The next day, Alice is graduating from high school alongside her new friends: Greta (Erika Anderson), an aspiring, albeit reluctant, supermodel; Mark (Joe Seely), a comic book geek; and Yvonne (Kelly Jo Minter), a "candy striper" and swimmer. Alice only confides her nightmare to Dan and he tells her she is in control of her dreams. So far, nothing weird or out of the ordinary. Freddy hasn't popped up yet... but he's coming.

"My name's Alice and I've gotten to survive three movies"

On her way to work, Alice finds herself back at the asylum, where she witnesses Amanda giving birth to a gruesomely deformed Freddy-looking baby. Alright, "what the fuck" meters have gone from zero to eleven pretty damn quick. Amanda tries to collect the baby before it escapes, but it sneaks out of the operating room and Alice follows it into the same church where she had defeated Freddy in Nightmare 4. The baby finds Freddy's remains and quickly grows into an adult, hinting to Alice that he's found the "key" to coming back. Well that's... a stretch. I guess Dracula in the 60s and 70s gothic Hammer films found odd ways to come back. Every single schmuck would mix something with Dracula's blood and he'd come back, so I guess I can buy this. Alarmed, she contacts Dan, who falls asleep en route to see her, and is attacked by Freddy. You should really get enough sleep before you get into an automobile. Freddy electrocutes him, turning him into a frightful creature before veering him into oncoming traffic. Alice sees Dan's body come to life and taunt her before she passes out. Waking in a hospital, she has to take the news of Dan's death and that she is pregnant with his child. In the night, she is visited by a young boy named Jacob (Whit Hertford), but the next day Yvonne tells her there are no children on her floor, nor is there a children's ward. Great, now she's hallucinating on top of pregnant. This can't add up well.

"A Freddy! Can we get a picture?"
"What?" SNAP

Alice tells her friends about Freddy and his lineage, but Yvonne refuses to hear it while Mark and Greta are more supportive. Say what you want about the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, at least characters in the sequels are buying into the previous events. Every single time Jason kills someone in a spree, everyone afterwards forgets about it. At least these sequels acknowledge previous sequels. That afternoon, at a dinner party at home, Greta falls asleep at the table; she snaps at her mother, going on a rant over her controlling nature before Freddy arrives and literally forces Greta to eat herself alive before choking her in front of a laughing audience. In the real world, she falls down dead to the surprise of her mother and guests. Forcing you to eat egregious amounts of food until death? That's a new one. Yvonne and Alice visit Mark, who is grieving Greta's death and a rift forms between them. Mark falls asleep and is nearly killed by Freddy, but Alice saves him at the last minute before seeing Jacob again. Jacob hints that she is his mother. Alice requests that Yvonne gets her an early ultrasound and discovers Freddy is feeding Jacob his victims to make him like himself. Alright, what? What is happening? Freddy is making literally giving Alice's unborn child the souls of all the people he's killing so that Jason will be born and end up like Freddy? Then what? Is he going to just exist in the real world? That would actually limit his powers wouldn't it? What's the point of doing this? Just continue to be Freddy? You don't need a physical form to be spooky.

This Amanda Krueger looks much younger than the one
from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Yvonne still believes that Alice is crazy because she's living under a rock. Dan's parents also believe that Alice is delusional and insist that she give them the baby when it is born, which Alice refuses. Don't you just love custody battles in the middle of a dumb slasher movie? Alice and Mark research Krueger and the Nun Amanda. Realizing that Amanda was trying to stop Freddy, they investigate her whereabouts and Alice goes to sleep, hoping to find Amanda at the asylum. While there, Freddy lures her away by threatening Yvonne, who has fallen asleep in a Jacuzzi. What odd places people are choosing to fall asleep in in this movie. Alice rescues her, and Yvonne finally believes her. Mark falls asleep and is pulled into a comic book world, where Freddy slashes him apart. The comic book part was actually pretty interesting enough, but too bad it wasn't a bigger part of the movie.

Ugly baby Freddy. *shudders*

Alice goes to bed in order to find Freddy and save her son. She is led into an M. C. Escher-type maze before she finally draws Freddy out from within herself. Yvonne finds Amanda's remains at the asylum and joins the fight in the dream world, encouraging Jacob to use the power that Freddy had been giving him. Jacob manages to destroy Freddy and his infant form is absorbed by his mother while Alice picks up a baby Jacob. Warning Alice away, Amanda manages to seal Freddy away in time. Several months later, Jacob Daniel Johnson is enjoying a picnic with his mom, grandfather and Yvonne. The familiar song of Freddy's theme can be heard being hummed by children jumping rope. So you know what that means? This shit still ain't over.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is the weakest entry in the series. Seems like they had a story, but throughout production it just regressed and regressed, got dumber and fucking dumber, and ultimately we ended up with this... movie that feels very, very half-assed. Coming out as the fourth Nightmare on Elm Street movie in five years, at least Robert Englund had a lot to do in the second half of the 1980s. The story makes no sense, is too bizarre, doesn't follow itself on its own logic, and doesn't really add-up with how the climax plays out as opposed to what we're explained int he beginning. Easily the weakest, stupidest A Nightmare on Elm Street movie, but the next entry? It doesn't get very much better....

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan"

"I'm in Times Square and I can already see twelve McDonalds'."

Happy 1989, fellow Halloween freaks. We've reached the end of the 1980's and their two biggest slasher booms. 1989 was much like 1988, where both Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger made entries in the year, and Jason's was before Freddy's as usual. Jason's was a little strange this time around. The producers wanted Jason to take a bite out of the Big Apple, but production & budget cuts forced them to relocate the shoot to Vancouver. Only about a day or two's worth of shooting took place in New York City, since most of New York City is some of the most expensive real-estate in the world. Remember that, Native Americans who sold that island to us for twenty-four dollars. This is Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, the freakin' eighth entry in this franchise about a hockey-mask wearing guy who kills people. This time, Jason's on the prowl in Manhattan. Let's dive right in and see if Part VIII falls flat on its ass or tries to save the franchise from losing its touch with its dwindling fan base.

"Can you gentlemen direct me to Shea Stadium?"

Two graduating high school students are aboard a houseboat on Crystal Lake. Jim (Todd Caldecott) tells his girlfriend Suzy (Tiffany Paulsen) the legend of Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder), before playing a prank on her with a hockey mask and a prop knife. A few problems here right off the bat. First off, Jason Voorhees shouldn't even be a "legend" anymore. Seven damn murder sprees have taken place. He shouldn't even be a myth, a fantasy, or hearsay anymore. Secondly, that's just a really dumb prank. But these movies are full of that stuff. The boat's anchor damages some underwater cables, which shocks Jason's corpse, still hanging there from the end of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and revives him. He sneaks on board, takes the mask, and kills Jim with a harpoon gun before impaling Suzy, who tries to hide from him, with a barb.

The next morning, the SS Lazarus is ready to set sail for New York City with a graduating senior class (AKA "Killing Gallery") from Lakeview High School, chaperoned by biology teacher Dr. Charles McCulloch (Peter Mark Richman) and English teacher Colleen Van Deusen (Barbara Bingham). Van Deusen brings McCulloch's niece Rennie (Jensen Daggett) along for the trip despite her aquaphobia, much to his chagrin. Jason sneaks on board and kills rock star-wannabe J.J. (Saffron Henderson) with her guitar before hiding. That night, a young boxer who lost to champion Julius Gaw (V.C. Dupree) is killed when Jason slams a hot sauna rock into his abdomen while Rennie, searching for her pet Border Collie Toby, discovers prom queen Tamara (Sharlene Martin) and Eva (Kelly Hu) doing drugs. McCulloch nearly catches them moments later and Tamara pushes Rennie overboard, suspecting she told on them. She uses video student Wayne (Martin Cummins) to record McCulloch in a compromising situation with her but rejects Wayne's advances afterward. Jason kills Tamara with a shard of broken mirror as she showers. All this time into the movie and we're still not in New York City. I wonder when and how "Jason" will "Take Manhattan"? Is it even in this movie? Is it in the next movie? Am I wasting my time? Well, that's a given, but still.

Mike Tyson trains for his next fight (c. 1989)

Rennie sees visions of a young Jason throughout the ship, but the others ignore the deckhand's warnings. Which is a great way to get yourself killed in these movies. Jason kills Captain Robertson (Warren Munson) and his first mate. Rennie's boyfriend and Captain Robertson's son, Sean (Scott Reeves), discovers them and tells the others before calling for an emergency stop. Eva finds Tamara's body and flees; in that moment she meets Jason, who chases her. Eva enters the disco room and finds all doors locked, where Jason enters and violently strangles her to death before throwing her violently onto the dance floor. The students agree to search for Jason while McCulloch decides that the deckhand is responsible; however, the deckhand is found with a fire axe in his back. Ain't it always the way? Jason tosses student Miles (Gordon Currie) to his death, and Julius is knocked overboard. In the hold of the ship, Wayne comes upon J.J.'s body and is thrown into an electrical box by Jason; his corpse catches fire and causes the ship to sink. With the other students dead, McCulloch, Van Deusen, Rennie, and Sean escape aboard a life raft and discover Toby and Julius are alive and WHEN THE FUCK DOES ANYBODY GET TO NEW YORK FUCKING CITY?! Literally none of this has ANYTHING to do with New York City. The life raft is a good moment, because as a lost audience member feeling LIED TO by the title, it feels like you're getting close.

Candid photo of generic 1980s woman. Or...
I'm sorry, a screen-cap of the movie.

Well I finally get my wish as they somehow row all the way to New York City where Jason stalks them through the streets. Rennie is kidnapped by a pair of junkies, and the group splits up to find help. Julius fights Jason but becomes exhausted after Jason does not go down; he is then decapitated by a single punch from Jason. Seems like an oddball way to kill someone. Can someone who punches a head off even pretend to be dead for so long? Can he be harmed? That doesn't even remotely add up to me, but I'm also nitpicking the science of a Friday the 13th movie, so who's fooling who? Rennie escapes from Jason when he kills the punks that kidnapped her, which is honestly very nice of him. She runs into Sean, and they reunite with the teachers and the police before Jason kills the officer who is helping them. Alright, never mind, he's an asshole. Rennie crashes a police car after a vision of Jason distracts her, which is a stupid way to crash a car. Van Deusen is incinerated in the car when it explodes, and it is revealed that McCulloch is responsible for Rennie's fear of water, having pushed her into the lake as a child. What a... twist? They leave him behind, and Jason drowns him in a barrel of waste.

Is there such a thing as a "Bad Face" Day?

Jason chases Rennie and Sean into the New York Subway. Kind of a dumb place to chase them into. Jason doesn't even need to do anything, he just has to wait for the New York rats to kill them. Sean incapacitates Jason by knocking him onto the electrical third rail. When Jason revives, he chases them through Times Square, where they try to escape through a diner. They flee into the sewers and encounter a sewer worker. He warns them that the sewers will be flooded with toxic waste at midnight before Jason appears and kills him. Why the toxic waste is being flooded into the sewers is fucking beyond me, but whatever. Sean is injured, and Rennie draws Jason off, wounding him with a splash of acidic waste. Jason is forced to take off his mask, horrifying Rennie at his acidic, melting face. She and Sean climb the ladder as Jason staggers to get them. Just as he is about to kill them, the sewers flood and engulf him. Rennie sees a final vision of a child-form of Jason as the waste recedes. The two escape to the street, where they are reunited with Toby, who had run away earlier, and walk off into the city.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is a very weak entry in the series, but nothing that was ever its fault really. It's still entertaining enough, I guess. It was the fault of a moneyless production with bad acting and constant script rewrites that resulted in a movie with lousy script ideas, which included sewers getting washed with toxic waste and a "twist" that didn't really mean anything. The movie prides itself being based solely around the idea of Jason Voorhees walking the streets of Manhattan and it only includes about 25ish minutes of New York City actually being in the movie. The rest is on a party boat. The kills were still pretty gory and interesting... except the whole "punching a guy's head off" thing. Plus, this was the eighth movie in ten years. Audiences just weren't buying into it anymore. Luckily, this would be the last movie for what can be considered an extended period of silence on Jason's part. Between this and Jason's next entry, two Nightmare on Elm Street sequels would come out in theaters.