A Review of "The Flash" (2023)

This is a screen cap from the movie, but it could also very well be Ezra Miller with an angel and a devil on their shoulders,
one telling them to be kind-hearted and give it their all in the role... and the other telling them to go punch that child they
see square in the jaw, yell about the Demogorgon, and run guns blazing into the nearest Chick Fil A.

Happy Friday! We're rolling through the month of September, in the year of our Lord 2023, and I don't know why on Earth I started it like that. We've finished reviewing the movies of James Cameron, we've finished reviewing Planet of the Apes and it's four sequels, it's remake, and it's reboot trilogy, we topped off our tanks touching the rest of the Terminator movies and then ran through all seven Transformers movies this year so far. This is without a doubt been my most structured, most consistent year that I've had on this blog! What's next?

"Wait, why am I here? I thought Superman killed
me." "Mr. Zod--" "That's General Zod to you, SWINE!"

How's about a one-off, and it's a one-off from this year! It was a hotly debated movie in the years leading up to, the day of, and the ensuing weeks after release. Not only for its lead star's off-screen antics, the return of an aging actor in an iconic comic book role that he once made famous (and that I still salute this day), in a cinematic comic book movie universe that was dead before this movie even came out. I'm talking about 2023's The Flash! I watched this movie for the first time in recent weeks streaming on HBO Max... or I'm sorry I guess it's just "Max" now... just to see what all the hubbub is about! I sat down, finally ready to see this showcase for what it is and I have... thoughts. Oh boy do I have thoughts. Let's step through the synopsis first, and then I'll explain!

After helping Batman (Ben Affleck, from previous DCEU films) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot, also from previous DCEU films) stop a robbery in Gotham City, Barry Allen (everyone's favorite internet mugshot, Ezra Miller) revisits his childhood home, where he lived with his parents Nora (Maribel Verdú) and Henry (Ron Livingston), before Henry's wrongful imprisonment for Nora's murder. On the day of Nora's death, Henry went to the grocery store to get a can of tomatoes that she forgot to buy, leaving her in the kitchen, and resulting in her death. Overcome by emotions, Barry accidentally uses the Speed Force to travel back in time earlier in the day. Despite Batman's warnings of unintended consequences from time travel, Barry goes back to the day of Nora's death and places the can of tomatoes in her cart at the store, so that his father does not leave the house. Returning to the present, Barry is knocked out of the Speed Force by another, unknown speedster and ends up in an alternate 2013 where Nora is alive. In his home, he encounters his parents, then his past self (basically Ezra Miller if he was immune to getting arrested), and realizes he arrived on the day he originally obtained his powers.

This is what my nightmares look like. Horrifically
rushed CGI.

In order to make sure his past self gains superpowers, the two Barrys go to the Central City Police Department, where Barry re-enacts the event and forces 2013-Barry to position himself to be struck by lightning. Both end up getting struck by the lightning, giving 2013-Barry powers, but causing Barry to lose his own. As Barry struggles to train 2013-Barry on properly using his powers, they learn that General Zod (Michael Shannon) is preparing to invade Earth. In an effort to fight Zod, the Barrys attempt to assemble the Justice League but are unsuccessful; in their timeline, they cannot locate Diana, Victor Stone (Ray Fisher) has not gained his abilities yet, and Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) was never born. They travel to Wayne Manor, hoping to find Bruce, but instead find an alternate, older variant who has long since retired. This Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton, from the Burtonverse of Batman and Batman Returns) reveals that using time travel to alter history affects events both prior to and after the alteration. They convince Bruce to return as Batman and help them find Kal-El.

Using the Batcomputer, the Barrys, and Batman locate a Kryptonian pod reportedly discovered in Siberia. Upon arrival, they instead find Kal-El's cousin, Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle), trapped in the facility. After rescuing Kara, Bruce tries to help Barry get his powers back by recreating the original accident. The first two attempts fail, prompting Kara to fly Barry into the storm, where he regains his powers. Kara and Batman join the Barrys to fight Zod and his forces. During the battle, Kara learns that Zod had intercepted Kal-El's escape pod and killed him during a failed attempt to retrieve the Codex needed to repopulate the Kryptonian species. So... so long, Henry Cavill. Thank you for coming. The Codex is actually within Kara and Zod eventually kills her, obtaining it from her blood; meanwhile, Batman sacrifices himself in an unsuccessful attempt to destroy Zod's ship. That's right, the big end for Michael Keaton's epic return to the role of Batman, is a kamikaze move into a flying Kryptonian ship.... yippee. Watching my childhood hero do that was like having a drawing I made my parents twenty years ago get ripped up in an estate sale after they're long gone... *sobs*.

...and this one is probably Ezra's conscience telling
them to go take a leak on that parked cop car.

The Barrys repeatedly travel back through time to try to save them, but fail in every attempt. So not only do I get to watch Michael Keaton crash and burn, I get to watch him get the crap beat out of him and die on every attempt. Barry realizes that this sequence of events cannot be changed, but 2013-Barry keeps trying. As 2013-Barry travels, the multiverse starts to implode. The unknown speedster who originally knocked Barry out of the Speed Force returns and is revealed to be an older, future version of 2013-Barry who still believes he can defeat Zod and save Batman and Kara. Someone who tried over and over again. He becomes angry when Barry reveals his intention to reverse the changes he made to the timeline by letting Nora die. The elder 2013-Barry attempts to kill Barry, but instead impales young 2013-Barry, who sacrifices himself to save Barry and wipe his future self from the timeline.

Barry reverts the timeline and comes to terms with his mother's death; however, he subtly alters the past by moving the tomato cans to a higher shelf. Henry looks up while grabbing it and a security camera sees his face, allowing for his exoneration. After returning to the present, Barry is contacted by Batman, whose appearance has changed once again... into George Clooney as one final punchline and "fuck you" or "fuck yeah" depending on how you look at it... and that's it! That's the end of the movie. I mean there's a post-credit scene, where Barry explains his effects on the timeline to a drunk Arthur Curry, revealing the current timeline to be mostly similar to the original one... then it's done.

That's The Flash, from this year. Oh boy.

"--but then all of a sudden... like a giant fuckin' spider
shows up!"

Look, I can't review this movie as a comic book movie. I have to review it as a movie movie. Let me get that out of the way. I never read Flashpoint or really any Flash comics. I don't know much about the Flash character. I know he's Barry Allen, and I know he's based out of Central City. I'm serious, I never watched the famous CW show that everyone loves, oddly enough called "The Flash" lol. So I want that all on record when I give my opinion of this movie. I watched this movie like many others; to see Michael Keaton come back as Batman. We were psyched to get multiple entries in this saga where Keaton plays Batman, but since Batgirl got scrapped and we'll probably never see it, this is it; this will stand as his big righteous return. That's why I watched this movie, and I knew going into it that I wasn't going to be satisfied. The movie's called The Flash for God's sake, it's not called Michael Keaton stars in "The Flash", so I knew I'd be disappointed at Keaton's performance and role in the movie and not really think much of the rest. Again, I watched The Flash solely because as I've stated in the blog previously, Batman from 1989 is one of my favorite not only comic book movies but movies of all time, and was dying to see Keaton back in the role of Batman again. SURPRISE: I was pretty disappointed... having Keaton's Batman from the Burtonverse Batman movies in The Flash is like digitally inserting your parent's VHS wedding video over your Snapchat footage of that punk rock concert you went to. A nice treat, but it's confusing and misplaced and your parents just seem confused as to why there's music playing. I didn't even like Keaton's tired old Bruce Wayne explaining the Multiverse with spaghetti noodles. Feels like when you have your grandma who still uses a wall-mounted rotary dial phone explain how iOS downloads and installs patches from Apple; just like an unholy marriage between what was and what is. It's like having Thomas Jefferson explain how to merge onto an Interstate safely while using turn signals... like "how the hell would he know? Shut the HELL up".

"What are we doing, Batman?"
"I'm Batmaaaaaaan."
"Dude, what is this Batman's deal?"
"He's Batman, dude."

That all said and being out of the way. I thought the movie was pretty "eh". Ezra Miller actually does a great job double-leading this movie, despite their let's just say "extra curricular activities" in the weeks leading up to its release. I had a couple good laugh-out-loud moments from the movie; my favorite off the top of my head is when 2013-Barry puts on the makeshift Flash mask and looks at modern day Barry and it's all crooked and warped to rip on the '89 Batsuit. I also liked having Michael Shannon back, I enjoy him as an actor thanks to his performance in the miniseries Waco that was about... well, Waco. Lol Other than that? Ehhhhhh. It was serviceable popcorn entertainment enough.

The effects of the movie were God awful. I'm sorry, they were. Absolutely cartoony garbage. They're the showcase of effects that make you wonder if you're watching a live-action movie. The opening sequence catching the falling babies made me feel weird watching it. Like it wasn't funny, it wasn't humorous, it wasn't laugh-out-loud. I didn't give it a chuckle, not a tee-hee... not even a condescending "ha". I don't know why that was the agreed upon main title sequence. AND THEN there were the cameos they shoe-horned into the thing. Goddamn, this movie wanted to be the Avengers so bad. There were some cameos in there in the sequence where time and space is all breaking down you're just like "Why though". Christopher Reeve's Superman? Helen Slater's Supergirl? George Reeves' Superman? Adam West's Batman? Even Nicolas Cage's Superman from the cancelled Tim Burton movie from the 90's Superman Lives? It serves no purpose other than fan-service to shove those guys in there. I wouldn't care except 99% of the CGI looks like total GameCube/PS2 gobbledygook. I mean it looks cheap, rushed, and if it looked like that... why include it?

Aside from the forced resurrection of the dead for the sake of our entertainment... the CGI for all the action sequences, to me, came off roughly similar. Good God, just atrociously comical. Cheap, cartoony, like a freakin' video game.

I never believed for a second that Michael Keaton's
Bruce Wayne would ever let himself go to the point
he looks like freakin' Santa Claus... "ho ho ho, I'm
Batman!"

I haven't even started about what I think of the story and how contrived and repeated the narrative of "dude discovers time-travel and decides to misuse its power to their own detriment and realize the err of their ways by going back and fixing everything" trope is. I'm just so tired of time-travel in movies like these, and that's coming from me where Back to the Future is my favorite movie of all time. This movie's dialogue about time travel wasn't even gripping to me. Everything Batfleck told Barry about the dangers of time travel, I'd heard either in a trailer or a movie five, ten, twenty years prior. Just lazy, Lazy, L A Z Y... and sure enough? What's Barry do? He goes on his escapade anyway. What happens by the end? 2013-Barry failed to understand the basic logic of the butterfly effect and causality loops and now we have our Speed Force villain. That was a least an interesting twist to make 2013-Barry the villain in that environment, but beyond that I was just like... "Eh" to the whole thing.

I can't really say I recommend The Flash. It was just like it's name suggests, a flash in the pan. It was more of a cultural moment than a movie release, and because of that, it was a pretty empty movie. Absurd special effects, ridiculous overacting, convoluted time-travel storyline, shoe-horning in the hodge-podge digital faces of dead people for what amounts to nothing more than a lark; just a shameless and quite frankly lazy movie. I think I'll just dismiss this one, unfortunately. It was pretty forgettable, and I'm sure it, like the DCEU it was made for that was already D.O.A., will fade away to obscurity when a far superior and more faithful adaptation is made into a film years from now. People already tell me the CW show is insanely good and a much more admirable adaptation of the Flash character and comic. So even though I haven't seen it, yet anyway, I'll recommend all eight or whatever seasons of that. Toss this movie aside.

A Review of "Transformers: Rise of the Beasts"

"You guys think the humans will like us here?" "Shh, quiet man. Mufasa and Sirabi are about to show their new cub!"
♫ From the day we arrived, on the planeeeeet... and, blinking, step into the sun.
There's mooore to see than can ever be seen! More to do... than can eeeveeeer be done! ♫

Happy Friday to all. Now, you thought nine freakin' Planet of the Apes movies was a lot, especially when you realize that covers two-and-a-quarter months. Here we are at our seventh, and so far final, live-action Transformers entry. It's also the second movie from 2023 we've reviewed, in keeping with my desire to also keep fresh and review some modern movies!

"Noah, the Autobots and Maximals are losing! Quick!
Call Hasbro headquarters and request more intellectual
properties we can cross over with!"

Welcome to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, the sequel to the 2018 spin-off Bumblebee, which it turns out was capable of starting another line of sequels. So since a standalone movie focused on the character Bumblebee ended up being successful, what's so special about reverting back to having the movies be about all the Transformers again? Well... this one got my attention because it finally adapted a very popular version of Transformers called "Beast Wars", which was a new toyline in which instead of cars, trucks, and planes... they took the form of animals like rats and ants.... believe me it's much cooler than it sounds. Beast Wars also was one of my favorite Fox Kids shows growing up, so I was pretty excited for this new Transformers movie, something I can't say had happened in a long time. Popular Beast Wars characters like Optimus Primal, Cheetor, and Rhinox make appearances here... and it's alongside Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and other Autobots as well. Not to mention the be-all, end-all bad guy of the Transformers-verse, Unicron, appears in his proper form. That's right, this isn't Transformers: The Last Knight just teasing with promises of Unicron and not delivering. Let's jump in to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts and review!

The movie opens with the planet-eating Unicron (Colman Domingo) who attacks the home world of the Maximals, an advanced race of Transformers with alternate beast modes. The Terrorcons, Unicron’s heralds led by Scourge (Peter Dinklage), seek to obtain the Transwarp Key which can open portals through space and time intending to use it to help Unicron consume planets faster. The Maximal leader Apelinq (David Sobolov) sacrifices himself to allow the other Maximals to escape the planet before Unicron devours it. Now under the command of Optimus Primal (Ron Pearlman), the Maximals flee to Earth with the key.

In 1994 Brooklyn, an ex-military electronics expert named Noah Diaz (Anthony Ramos) struggles to find a job to support his ill brother Kris and is convinced by his friend Reek to steal a Porsche 911 to sell only to discover that the car is the Autobot Mirage (Pete "Hide Your Wives" Davidson) in disguise. Also yeah that's right... a Transformers movie that decides to employ the trope of a human character struggling at odds with the world? Perish the thought. Concurrently, museum intern Elena Wallace (Dominique Fishback) studies an ancient statue of a falcon bearing the Maximal symbol and accidentally breaks it open to reveal the Transwarp Key hidden inside. The key releases an energy pulse detected by Autobot leader Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), who summons the other Autobots. Mirage is contacted in the middle of Noah's attempted theft, and he is roped into the Autobots' mission to recover the key from the museum so they can use it to return to their home world of Cybertron. See... I'm confused; I thought in Bumblebee the story was established that the Autobots left Cybertron because it was lost and looking for new places to call home. Now we're being told they want nothing more than to get back to Cybertron... lol I'm confused.

"Know this; Only ONE may enter here. The DIAMOND
in the ROUGH!"

Drawn by the key's signature, the Terrorcons arrive on Earth and attack the Autobots outside the museum, with Elena becoming caught up in the conflict. Scourge deactivates Bumblebee (non-speaking), steals the key, and retreats when the Maximal Airazor (Michelle Yeoh) arrives. Airazor explains to the Autobots that the Maximals have been hiding on Earth for millennia and that Scourge only has half of the Transwarp Key, which was split in two to keep it away from Unicron. Despite the danger, Optimus insists that the key be reassembled so the Autobots can use it to return home, while Noah secretly plots to destroy the key to keep Earth safe. Elena deduces that the other half of the key must be in a hidden temple in Peru, and the cargo plane Autobot, Stratosphere (John DiMaggio) takes them to Peru. There, they meet with Wheeljack (Cristo Fernández), who leads them to the temple, but they soon discover that the other half of the key is no longer there. The Terrorcons attack again, and the battle ends with Scourge corrupting Airazor with Unicron's dark energy. Subsequently, the Autobots meet Optimus Primal and the other Maximals, who explain that they entrusted the second half of the key to a human tribe they have worked with for millennia. Scourge's corruption overtakes Airazor and Primal reluctantly deactivates her at her request to save Elena. In the chaos, Noah attempts to destroy the second half of the key, but Optimus convinces him otherwise. Scourge steals it and then reassembles the two halves atop a volcano, erecting a tower and opening a portal above the Earth, which Unicron will soon go through.

"Are you Samuel James Witwicky? Descendant of Archibald
Witwicky?" "Uhhh... no?" "Damn, wrong movie."

Optimus and Noah agree to work together to protect their home worlds from Unicron. While the Autobots and Maximals battle the Terrorcon army, Noah and Elena sneak in close to the Key, planning to deactivate it with an access code Elena has uncovered. During the battle, Scourge gravely wounds Mirage, who was protecting Noah, but transforms his damaged body into a powered exo-suit for Noah so they can fight together. A little far-fetched for my taste, but at least it's somewhat believable. Bumblebee is reactivated when the key activates the Energon-infused valley. He helps the Autobots and Maximals turn the tide of the battle. Optimus kills Scourge, but not before the latter damages the control console to prevent the portal from being shut down. Optimus destroys the key and collapses the portal, willing to sacrifice himself, but Noah and Primal save him from being sucked into the imploding vortex, which destroys the remaining Terrorcon army.

In the aftermath, the Autobots, now unable to return to Cybertron at all... even though they were working to find a new home, proclaim Earth as their new home and vow to continue protecting it alongside the Maximals. Elena receives recognition for discovering the temple in Peru while Noah... in a very "Marvel" turn of events that was surprising yet stupid... attends an interview for a security job but finds he is actually being invited to join the secret military organization G.I. Joe... yeah that's right, the "real American hero", who will cover Kris's healthcare and provide the stability Kris and Noah need. In a mid-credits scene, Noah repairs Mirage using junk Porsche parts from Reek (Tobe Nwigwe) who claims it's un-road-worthy, and Noah disproves him by calling to Mirage to transform in front of Reek.

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a me!"

...and that's Transformers: Rise of the Beasts. The most recent and as of now, final entry in the Transformers film franchise. Unfortunately, while I was very much anticipating this one as a big fan of Beast Wars, there was only one or two Maximals that were given any amount of screen time worth anything. We got to see much of Optimus Primal and Airazor; but my personal favorites such as Cheetor, Rhinox, and especially Rattrap, are non-existent in this movie. Cheetor and Rhinox at least get screen time, but they didn't even bother to include Rattrap. What a sin. This did just feel like another edition of the wildly popular "Optimus Prime show", and Mirage received more screen time than I expected.... and at times, would have liked. Don't get me wrong, I dig Pete Davidson as a comedian and an actor. Still, Mirage was basically just Hot Rod from the '86 movie we've talked about. Young, talkative, upbeat; doesn't ever shut up when you need him to. Stuff like that.

They kind of made up for it to me with the inclusion of Unicron, and again, not just teasing him like The Last Knight did. Not only that, but they included him in his original G1 appearance. Sort of, at least his alternative planet-eating mode looks just the same. The actor that they got to voice him too, Colman Domingo, does a real good Unicron. I think he kind of calls back to Orson Welles' rendition from the '86 movie.

♫Caaaaan you feel, the looooove tonight? The peace the
evening briiiiings...♫ "Ah, come on Cheetor, that's the third
Disney reference int his blog post alone!"

One weird thing is if this movie's truly a sequel to Bumblebee, then we have a serious problem in terms of consistency. In the last movie, the so-named Autobot Bumblebee was the star of the show, the absolute hog of the spotlight, understandably so. In this movie, Bumblebee's almost a footnote. Background character, even. Which serious Bumblebee, Camaro, or even the color yellow fans are going to resent. Instead his youthful upbeat personality was handed to Mirage, who sort plays our new Bumblebee so to speak. Seems like they just re-invented the wheel by introducing Mirage, but I suppose not all Transformers movies can favor Bumblebee forever. They still manage to shoehorn Optimus Prime into the spotlight in this one. Last one, Bumblebee, Optimus was hardly in it and I actually quite liked that movie

You take showcasing of the Maximals out of it, showing off Unicron, and teasing the Hasbro Cinematic Universe out of the equation... this movie's sort of just a rehash of the Transformers movie formula we've seen a few times already. It introduces the filmgoers to new movie renditions of items and things from the lore, like the Transwarp Key and the Maximals, and Unicron, and it's gripping enough in that regard. Aside from that, much of the same. I thought it was serviceable enough. I didn't think it was good or bad. It was kind of just there, for me. All I can't wait for now is the big crossover movie The Hasbrovengers with My Little Pony, ThunderCats, G.I. Joe, and Transformers teaming up to fight... I don't know, the failing toy market that was once thriving in the 80's.

At the end of the day, I do recommend this movie. It's pretty entertaining enough, even if it's formula has been done already and I didn't think many awesome things about it.

A Review of "Bumblebee"

"I think I'm going to call you 'Bumblebee'. I mean you're yellow, you had honey comb growing in your wheel-well;
I'd be stupid not to call you Bumblebee."

Happy Friday. Hope back to school season is treating you well if you're a parent whose children have an ACHE and DESIRE to learn. Hope it's at most a minor inconvenience if you're a child-less white-collar Joe stuck in traffic behind a school bus of screaming little yuppies making faces at you. All in all, I wish good health and a stress-free existence upon you as we wrap up *checks calendar* Holy shit, August already.

A cool running shot in the movie, but it also gives
me mad "Batman Forever ending" vibes

Now, Transformers: The Last Knight was a such a pain in the arse to sit through, it was almost to the point I didn't want to continue. I thought "Eh, the next two are part of a reboot series, I don't need to review them". I had fatigue, much like anybody who reviews these movies one after the other would have. I remember viewing Transformers and Revenge of the Fallen in the same day I went to see Dark of the Moon in theaters. Did I mention that already? Well if I did, I'm sorry. Quite frankly, The Last Knight was the sign to all, even Michael Bay, that maybe it was time for Bay to step aside and let someone else take the reigns of his Transformers film franchise. Five movies is nothing to balk at, but with hit-or-miss quality as you watch through them, the writing appeared to be on the wall.

So what happens when a film franchise's main story has gone on too long, has taken too many weird turns, and has alienated much of its original fanbase? It's time for a reboot! Naturally. Nothing Hollywood loves more these days than a good ol' fashioned "reboot-quel", a loose sequel/prequel that also serves as a fresh re-design and new take on the story featuring new characters at the same time. Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Jurassic World, Ghostbusters: Afterlife... it seems to be the fad nowadays, and this movie is no exception. Instead of Transformers: Journey to the Center of Your Anus... or whatever they would've called it, we get 2018's Bumblebee... the fancy-fresh take on everybody's favorite shape-shifting Camaro.

Does it rejuvenate the struggling franchise? Is it a fresh, desirable take on this tired ol' hat trick? Well, with Michael Bay serving the film as producer only, there's a good to strong chance we have a stellar reboot on our hands. Let's leap into action!

A cool behind-the-scenes photo of Shatter and
Dropkick's alternate forms.

On the planet Cybertron, the Autobots, led by Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), are on the verge of losing their war against the Decepticons and prepare to evacuate the planet. Decepticon forces led by Starscream (non-speaking), Soundwave (Jon Bailey), and Shockwave (also Jon Bailey) intercept the Autobots during their evacuation, and Optimus sends Autobot scout B-127 to Earth in an escape pod to set up a base of operations while he stays behind to fend off the Decepticons. B-127 reaches Earth and crash-lands in California in 1987, disrupting a training exercise by Sector 7, a secret government agency tasked with monitoring extraterrestrial activity on Earth. Colonel Jack Burns (John Cena... ♫ bah-bahbah-bahhhhh, bah-bahbah-bahhhh ♫) presumes B-127 to be hostile and orders his men to attack the Autobot. B-127 scans a Willys MB jeep and flees to a nearby mine, where he is ambushed by the Decepticon Blitzwing (David Sobolov). When B-127 refuses to reveal Optimus's whereabouts, Blitzwing tears out his voice box and damages his memory core, prompting B-127 to kill the Decepticon with one of his own missiles. B-127 scans a nearby 1967 yellow Volkswagen Beetle before collapsing from his injuries.

Charlene "Charlie" Watson (Hailee Steinfeld), who is depressed by the death of her father and resentful of her mother Sally's (Pamela Adlon) relationship with her new boyfriend Ron (Stephen Schneider), finds the Beetle in a local scrapyard owned by her Uncle Hank (Len Carlou), who gives it to her as an 18th-birthday present. When trying to start it, Charlie unknowingly activates a homing signal that is detected by the Decepticons Shatter (Angela Bassett) and Dropkick (Justin Theroux) while they interrogate and kill Cliffjumper (Andrew Morgado) on one of Saturn's moons. The two Decepticons head to Earth, acquire human-made vehicle forms, and encounter Sector 7; pretending to be peacekeepers, they persuade the agency to help them capture B-127, despite Burns' objections.

"You've done well, B-127." "Uh, Optimus, I'm
Bumblebee now!" "No, the heck you are... what
even is a 'bumblebee' anyway?"

As Charlie attempts to fix the Beetle, it transforms into B-127, whom she befriends and names "Bumblebee", which was a little hokey for my taste. She then unknowingly unlocks a message from Optimus urging Bumblebee to defend Earth, which restores some of his memories. They are discovered by Charlie's neighbor Memo (Jorge Lendeborg Jr.), who agrees to protect their secret, while Bumblebee learns to use his radio to communicate. While left alone one day, Bumblebee unintentionally destroys Charlie's home and causes an energy spike that attracts Sector 7's attention. When Sally blames Charlie for the havoc, Charlie has an emotional breakdown and finally expresses her pain over her father's death and leaves with Bumblebee and Memo, only to be intercepted by Sector 7 and the Decepticons. Bumblebee is captured while Charlie and Memo are returned home.

Charlie convinces her brother Otis (Jason Drucker) to cover for her and Memo as they follow Burns to the Sector 7 outpost where Bumblebee is being held. While torturing Bumblebee, Shatter and Dropkick accidentally activate a message from Optimus and learn that the Autobots are coming to Earth. Dropkick then kills Bumblebee and Dr. Powell (John Ortiz), but not before the latter is able to alert Burns to the truth about the Decepticons. Charlie electroshocks Bumblebee back to life, restoring his memories, and fends off Burns' obstruction. After evading the military with the help of Memo and her family, Charlie and Bumblebee pursue the Decepticons, who are using a radio tower at a nearby harbor to contact their allies on Cybertron. Shatter shoots down Burns' helicopter when he tries to intervene, but he is saved by Bumblebee. Bumblebee fights Dropkick and binds him with a chain, ripping him apart. Charlie deactivates the Decepticon beacon, only to be pursued by Shatter. Bumblebee destroys a dam wall, triggering a flood that causes a cargo ship to crush and destroy Shatter. Bumblebee and Charlie escape the army and later arrive on a cliff overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge, where Charlie, realizing that Bumblebee has a greater purpose, says goodbye. Bumblebee takes on a new 1977 Chevrolet Camaro form, the exact one from the start of the "Bayformers" saga, and drives off, and Charlie reunites with her family and Memo. Later on, Bumblebee reunites with Optimus, who successfully escaped Cybertron. He praises Bumblebee for keeping Earth safe as they watch more escape pods enter Earth's atmosphere. Meanwhile, Charlie finishes repairing the Corvette she and her father were working on and takes the classic vehicle for a drive...

Candid photo shot of Bumblebee's alternate
VW Bug form for the fans!

...thus ending the movie Bumblebee. What did I think?

First, I'd like to congratulate Travis Knight on rebounding the franchise back to its roots while also re-defining the aesthetic. Michael Bay met with backlash upon the reveal of the look of the Transformers during the making of the first movie, claiming the G1 Transformers look wouldn't translate well to modern CGI. This movie, eleven years after that one, disproved that with ease. Not only do the Transformers look MORE like Transformers than they have in the past, they looked nearly identical. This was done with such a love an adoration of the original 80's source material that I audibly uttered "Nice" during some moments, like somebody said the number "69". They even properly adapted three Decepticons in Shockwave, Starscream (who didn't speak), and especially Soundwave with his iconic voice and ejecting Ravage the cassette-tape dog Decepticon from his chest. I applaud the filmmakers for their tribute and adaptation of the G1 source material.

That being said, this movie does suffer from being cut from the same cloth as the Bay films. It makes sense, seeing as how Michael Bay stayed on as producer. My biggest gripe; Hailee Steinfeld was great in this, a phenomenal actress as always, but does every human the Transformers meet have to be woefully down on their luck. Sam Witwicky? Broke, doesn't have a car, horny for a hot chick; he was actually the least "down on their luck". Cade Yaeger? Farm was getting foreclosed on, daughter hated him, had no money, got stuck with T.J. Miller; really, really bad stuff. Now we have "Charlie Watson". Father dead, mother dating schmuck, little brother favored, doesn't have a car, mocked for her trauma; it's like humans can't ever have it good when meeting a Transformer. Like the movie has to shove it down our throats that meeting a Transformer, namely an Autobot, is going to be the thing that flips their lives around. I don't know; just seemed like a tired ol' trope to me I've already seen in all these movies.

They at least switched it up by making the Decepticons in this movie vague and lesser-known soldiers. It would've been lazy but expected to just toss in Megatron and Starscream again as main villains. I like that we could be building up to Megatron's revival, and if they kept this G1 Gun alternate form and brought back Frank Welker to voice him in the original way he voiced him (ignoring his altered voice for The Last Knight), I'd love every second of it. IF they did it right, and with respect, as with everything I saw int his film.

*Soundwave voice* "If you have an annuity but you need
cash now! Call JG-Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW!"

Sidebar: I'm a huge pro wrestling fan, and I've been following the current WWE/AEW product while also rewatching old school stuff from all points in time. Seeing John Cena turn heel on us by playing a bad guy in this movie was a treat. John's such a great actor, and he's definitely following the Rock into Hollywood it seems these days, and this movie was no exception. Shout out to John Cena's only non-Thuganomics heel turn (for my pro-wrestling fans out there).

Another thing I liked was the soundtrack. I'm a sucker for the 80's stuff, especially the moment where Bumblebee blasts "The Touch" by Stan Bush as a tribute to The Transformers: The Movie from 1986. That part tickled me, glad to see the filmmakers again showing proper love and adoration wherever possible.

I'll wrap up by stating that I enjoyed Bumblebee. Definitely a worthy entry in the series, and a vast step up from Transformers: The Last Knight. I haven't really been ranking the movies, personally, thus far. I would put this one pretty far up there, perhaps even currently number two behind the first film from 2007. I mean it's got lovable characters, even if we've seen the trope already, action, drama, and compelling enough dialogue. I wouldn't say it's cookie-cutter by any means. It's not bland at all. It's a lot of fun, at the very least. Kind of made me want just a full blown remake of The Transformers: The Movie in this CGI format just to see how it would look/hold up. They don't even have to remake it fully, just redo the CGI and let the old animation/voices ride. They already have Peter Cullen still, so why not? I recommend.

Only one more Transformers movie on our list, currently. It came out this year and I've already seen it. So I'll be yelling my opinions at you in the coming week, then we'll move on to something else! Stay frosty.

A Review of "Transformers: The Last Knight"

"Holy shit, it's Anthony Hopkins! What on Earth are you doing here?"
"My dear boy... I haven't the foggiest idea, I just know I want my money."
♫ Whaaaaaaaat I've doooooooone, I'll faaace myseeelf... to cross out what IIIIII've beeeeeeecome ♫

Oh cripes alive. Another one? Give me a break. Yeah, yeah: "Happy Friday" and blah, blah, blah. Welcome back to another Michael Bay Transformers movie, and thankfully the last one he did that's on our list. We've endured a whopping four of these, and there appears to be no end in sight. While Age of Extinction wasn't groundbreaking, I personally think it wasn't as bad as it could've been or was made out to be... and enjoyed it for what it is which is a little long, kind of dull, and winded. Still pretty entertaining though.

I don't remember one of these kids. Not one.

... but Transformers: The Last Knight is a whole inhuman batch of "What in God's Holy name is this?!" Man, I suffered the whole two and a half hours through this one this week and Jesus CHRIST alive, this movie is one giant, boring, meandering, mess of a storyline that I swear the Transformers were just shoe-horned into for marquee value. Yes, the year is 2017 and Michael Bay is at the helm again, as I mentioned, I can tell he... even HE... didn't give a shit anymore. He just didn't care. He phoned it in just like Mark Wahlberg, Laura Haddock, and even Anthony freakin' Hopkins did. Yeah that's right, somehow this movie roped in Anthony Hopkins and convinced him into accepting a role. How? I'm not exactly sure; but I'm sure Hopkins' next-of-kin were kidnapped and held at ransom. Somebody search the 2017-era newspapers of the world, I'm sure we'll find something. No? Perhaps he owed a very serious sum of money to some unscrupulous business people. I don't know, but he definitely may have had a massive student loan or something at minimum. Let's tear into Transformers: The Last Knight and figure out why this one, like Revenge of the Fallen before it blows a hole in the hull of this franchise.

This Transformers movie opens oddly enough in 484 A.D., where the wizard Merlin yes the wizard Merlin, you read that right... finds the Knights of Iacon, a group of Transformers hiding on Earth, seeking their help to aid King Arthur... yep, def King Arthur, you read that right too... and his knights. They hand him a staff and help Arthur defeat the Saxons, but warn Merlin to hide the staff. In the present, five years after the Hong Kong incident, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) arrives on the ruins of Cybertron and meets the mad Cybertronian goddess Quintessa (Gemma Chan), who brainwashes him into Nemesis Prime, and sends him to Earth to retrieve Merlin's staff, to restore the planet by taking Earth's energy core. 

"I have a bitch of an itch on my left cheek. Is there
something on my face?!"

On Earth, a new paramilitary task force called the Transformers Reaction Force (TRF) continues to hunt Transformers... even though I thought that the humans made peace with the Autobots at least at the end of the last movie... though, it would appear not. While some of its U.S. military personnel, including Colonel William Lennox (welcome back to the franchise Josh Duhamel) and General Morshower (You too, Glenn Morshower), are reluctantly against its actions. Cade Yeager (Mark "I'm firing my agent" Wahlberg), an ally to the Autobots, hides Transformer refugees in his junkyard. In a war-torn Chicago, Cade and Bumblebee (Erik Aadahl) meet a scavenger Izabella (Isabela Moner... starting to notice not much thought went into the characters' names) and her Transformer companion, Sqweeks (Reno Wilson), before encountering a dying Transformer who gives them a talisman. The TRF confronts Cade to demand the Autobots' location, only to be stopped by Bumblebee, Lennox, and Hound (John Goodman).

Megatron (Frank Welker), having abandoned his Galvatron identity... frickin' off screen somehow... and his remaining Decepticons, and the U.S. government learn of the talisman's value and reluctantly join forces to retrieve it and track Bumblebee to Cade's scrapyard. While the Autobots fend off the Decepticons, Grimlock (non-speaking) and the Dinobots ambush a TRF convoy while Cade, his assistant Jimmy (Jerrod Carmichael), Izabella, and Sqweeks deal with a swarm of TRF drones sent after them. Cogman (Jim Carter), a human-sized Transformer, appears and invites Cade to the United Kingdom to meet his employer, Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony "I'm firing my agent" Hopkins), who is connected to the Transformers. Burton asks another Transformer, who's French in this movie's representation for some reason... Hot Rod (Omar Sy), to find Viviane Wembly (Laura Haddock), a University of Oxford professor.

TRUCKASAURUS!

Burton explains to Cade, Viviane, and Bumblebee that Transformers have been living amongst mankind for centuries, their existence once guarded by a secret society called the Order of Witwiccans... hmm, Witwicky anybody? Shout out to Shia LaBeouf. Anywho, it turns out that Hopkins is the last living member. The talisman can lead to Merlin's staff, buried in a Cybertronian spacecraft under the sea. Why is Merlin's staff buried in an alien spaceship? Well, the plot explains it in the opening... but I mean reeeeeeally why? Viviane is revealed to be the direct descendant of Merlin's bloodline and the only one who can activate the staff. The local authorities, MI6, and the British TRF discover them, forcing them to flee. Following clues, while evading their pursuers, the group head to the Royal Navy Museum, where they commandeer the submarine HMS Alliance, also a Transformer, to find the spacecraft while the TRF and the U.S. Navy SEALs tail them. So yeah, to summarize... Cade, Viviane, and Cogman literally hijack a museum submarine and steal it, which is also a Transformer, btw, using it to swim to the submerged Cybertronian ship to get Merlin's staff, a wizard who up until this movie was just a goofy Disney side character aside from a character from literal folktale legend.

Continuing on this perplexing Transformers quest that hardly has any freakin' Transformers in it, Burton contacts Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), both learning that Earth is Unicron, and the staff will drain the planet's life via an access point under Stonehenge. Oh boy... UNICRON! A character who, after five movies, I've been waiting to see done in Michael Bay's live-action Transformers universe. Locating the ship, Cade and Viviane find Merlin's tomb with Viviane activating Merlin's buried staff, awakening the Knights of Iacon. The TRF and Navy SEALs ambush Cade and Viviane to take the staff but Viviane is forced to surrender it to Nemesis Prime who has arrived to take the staff. Bumblebee, Cade, and Lennox engage Optimus, during which Bumblebee speaks in his voice for the first time after he was given a spare voice box, stirring Optimus's memories and freeing him from Quintessa's control. The Decepticons ambush Optimus and Cade, stealing the staff. The Knights arrive to execute Optimus, but yield to Cade and join the humans and the Autobots upon seeing Cade's talisman turn into Excalibur... yep no Arthur's legendary sword he pulled from the stone in the legend, yep you read that right as well. Burton tries to stop Megatron from activating the staff at Stonehenge, only to get blown up. Which was a smart move on Hopkins' part... God forbid he pops up in Michael Bay's Transformers 6.

"Human, look at the size of my SWORD."
"We have guns."
"...jealous of it's SIZE and GIRTH, human?!"

As Cybertron's remains ravage Earth, the Autobots, Dragonstorm (uncredited voice actor), and the humans, now working with the reformed TRF, launches a direct assault on Cybertron to defeat the Decepticons, Megatron, and Quintessa. During the battle, Viviane removes the staff and stops the transfer. Optimus defeats Megatron while Bumblebee seemingly kills Quintessa. With both worlds saved but now attached to each other, the Autobots leave Earth to rebuild Cybertron. In the mid-credits scene, Quintessa, who has survived the battle, disguises herself as a human and approaches a group of scientists inspecting one of Unicron's horns and offers them a way to destroy him.

... only Quintessa doesn't need to destroy him at all because Transformers: The Last Knight released to horrid fanfare and a box office taking smaller than the previous four movies that came before it, thus negating not only another follow-up where the Autobots led by a tired Peter Cullen join forces with the bag-of-dicks humans in yet another tussle for... I don't fucking know, the gun that killed Abraham Lincoln which was I guess a hidden Decepticon drone or something. God this movie is really, really pushing my low tolerance for silly bullshit in a Transformers movie. Now, I get that Transformers is pretty silly enough, and you have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit already with a movie about talking robots that transform into Earth cars... but this destroyed that and leapt way, way beyond that. The whole idea of Transformers is that robots came to Earth fighting each other and in order to blend in, take alternative robot forms as Earth objects/vehicles, or if you're into Beast Wars, animals and dinosaurs.

The most "Michael Bay" picture ever.

I get because it's the fifth film, you have to really grasp for something new and fresh to tell a story about, but this is just plain silly, and you can tell every single person, lead actor, lead actress, side actor, and every Brit and Yankee in a five-mile radius of the camera didn't give a beaver's dam what performance they gave for the camera. Same with the Transformers' effects... in the first movie they felt very metallic, and every hit and thud gave us a PING and sparks. Here, the Transformers all move like they're made out of rubber. The scene where Daytrader (Steve Buscemi) shows off Starscream's severed head was the most jarring. Moved it around like it was Jell-O. It was very alarming. Not to mention, Cade just shoved this giant robot's severed head off a pile like it was nothing.

It was nice fan service to have fan favorites show up again, or at least reference other characters that could potentially appear in future sequels if this one wasn't such a disappointment. Nemesis Prime in the original cartoon series was just a Decepticon clone of Optimus... kind of like how Faker was an evil He-Man clone in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Every 80's cartoon had an evil team that had a clone of the lead good guy, I guess. Here in this movie, it was just Optimus temporarily brainwashed by Quintessa, but he called himself Nemesis Prime just get credit I guess. Also, Hot Rod makes an appearance too. Hot Rod as we Transformers fans know takes over the leadership of the Autobots in the original The Transformers: The Movie and becomes Rodimus Prime. Here, he's a French nitwit with an exaggerated Parisian accent. So again, they're tip-toeing around the core characters' inclusions... they get partial credit.

One plot-hole... in keeping with our tradition of pointing out Michael Bay's fast-and-loose filmmaking especially with Transformers screenwriting it seems... In the original film Optimus Prime told Sam Witwicky that the Autobots "learned Earth's languages through the World Wide Web..." sooo, now this backstory and other backstories in the sequels we've seen by now show us that the Transformers, at least the Autobots, have been on Earth for centuries and speaking to people like Merlin and King Arthur in perfect English as early as the Dark Ages. Sooo... yep, that one should speak for itself.

I do not recommend Transformers: The Last Knight. It is long, dull, confusing, very over-the-top, yet very underwhelming. There's hardly any Transformers action; the bulk of it is at the very end during yet another long-winded, no doubt very costly CGI final battle. Optimus isn't even in the movie for over half of it. Which is fine, because I always complained he was front-and-center entirely too often. Character development occurs off screen and it's very jarring to a casual viewer (lookin' at you Galvatron switching back to Megatron). One positive thing I'll say. It is the first movie I've seen since The Big Lebowski to have Walter (John Goodman), Donny (Steve Buscemi), and Jesus (John Turturro) all in one movie.

Skip this one. Blecch.

A Review of "Transformers: Age of Extinction"

*Tyrannosaurus roaring noise* "Hey wait a minute, T-Rex's never breathed fire." "Yeah, weird."
♫ Whaaaaaaaat I've doooooooone, I'll faaace myseeelf... to cross out what IIIIII've beeeeeeecome ♫

Happy Friday, fellow on-again, off-again sad sacks. We've come to the conclusion of another work week. Well, we will by the end of the day today. I would wait to post these in the afternoons so you know, people surfing social media after work who remotely give a shit would enjoy a post work movie review fresh off the presses, but instead I fire 'em off in the morning while everyone, including me, is at work because by the end of the day Friday even I don't care anymore.

"I am GALVATRON... and I. HATE. CHEVROLET."

So we've survived three Michael Bay-led Transformers movies. We've arrived at the end of the trilogy. So I guess that's it then, what shall we review now? Wait... wait hold on my phone is ringing. One second... ... ... ... ... ... Hmm, that was the strangest phone call. I was told there not only are there more Transformers movies but there's even a couple more that were directed by Michael Bay. Originally, Michael Bay was not going to direct a fourth Transformers movie, but supposedly he had an experience that changed his mind. It's said that after the release of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bay finally got to visit the Transformers ride at Universal Studios. Upon seeing fans waiting three blocks for the attraction, he realized he was not ready to leave the franchise just yet. So he saddled up, hired the first writer he could meet while on the bus-ride back to L.A. and crapped out a fourth movie. This is Transformers: Age of Extinction. Boy it's... it is quite a chore to sit through. Like the cinematic equivalent of a three-fingered prostate exam. You'd think after two sequels to a pretty good movie didn't live up to anybody and everybody's expectations that we'd say "Ok, enough, go make something else"; but nope, we got another one of these things in 2014 and people still cared I guess. Hell even though everybody shit on this movie coming out it still somehow grossed $1 billion at the box-office, making it the highest grossing movie of the year, and this was when Marvel's phase 2 was heating up!

So why does this one come out as yet another stinker? Well, I suppose I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't walk through the plot synopsis and then over my personal opinion on the matter. Though I'll be honest with you, I did not see this one in theaters as I was a broke-ass college kid at the time and couldn't even afford quality food, much less a movie ticket. So I had to special watch this one just for this series of reviews. I'm going to dig in and figure out why this one supposedly blows goats.

"Come on, run!" "Where are we going?"
"Anywhere but here!" "This building?!"
"NO man, this MOVIE."

Sixty-five million years ago, an alien race known as the "Creators" used devices called Seeds to cover Earth with a metallic alloy called "Transformium"... yes that is the real name... wiping out the dinosaurs in the process. In the present day, geologist Darcy Tirrel (Sophia Myles) excavates the Transformium for K.S.I. Industries, who use it to build Transformer drones. Five years later, despite the efforts after the Battle of Chicago, humans view Transformers as hostile and terminate all joint operations with them. Though the public believes that the Autobots were granted sanctuary, they are hunted down by a rogue CIA black ops division, Cemetery Wind, led by opportunistic, rogue intelligence operative Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer), who believes that all Transformers are dangerous and must be destroyed. Lockdown (Mark Ryan), a Cybertronian assassin and bounty hunter working for the Creators, is tasked to find Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). In exchange, he gives Attinger a Seed if his division manages to capture Optimus. Lockdown locates and kills Ratchet (Robert Foxworth) when he refuses to give up Optimus's location.

Optimus, badly damaged in Mexico City, hides in Texas and is discovered by Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), a financially struggling inventor and a single father. While his teenage daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and business partner Lucas Flannery (T.J. Miller) encourage him to turn Optimus over to the authorities, Cade instead fixes Optimus. Hoping to collect an advertised reward, Lucas alerts the authorities, and James Savoy (Titus Welliver), Attinger's field commanding operative, attacks the Yeager farm, but Optimus, and Tessa's secret boyfriend, Irish rally car driver Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor), rescue the family. During the pursuit, Lucas is killed by one of Lockdown's grenades. Optimus summons the surviving Autobots – Bumblebee (usual non-speaking radio noise), Hound (John Goodman), Drift (Ken Watanbe), and Crosshairs (John DiMaggio). Using a stolen CIA drone, Cade discovers K.S.I.'s involvement with Cemetery Wind and the attacks on the Autobots.

Galvatron's alternate form looks like those new
Amazon delivery trucks we're all terrified of.

Infiltrating K.S.I.'s headquarters in Chicago, Cade discovers the dead Autobots and Decepticons being melted down to make Transformer drones. The K.S.I. CEO, Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci), is in league with Attinger to revolutionize global defenses and improve human society using the Seed to make more Transformium. He has also used the captured Brains (Reno Wilson) and Megatron's head to create prototype Transformer soldiers, Galvatron (Frank Welker) and Stinger (non-speaking). The Autobots storm the building and destroy the laboratory, but they soon leave after Joshua declares that they don't need them anymore. Attinger forces Joshua to deploy Galvatron and Stinger to capture the Autobots. During the battle, Galvatron's behavior becomes erratic. As Galvatron battles Optimus, it gets autonomously freed from control. Suddenly, Lockdown arrives and abducts both Optimus and Tessa while Galvatron retreats.

While Lockdown's large prison spacecraft hovers over Chicago to hand over the Seed, Cade, Shane, and the Autobots sneak on board to rescue Optimus and Tessa. They hijack a smaller ship, containing other Transformers called the Dinobots, just before Lockdown leaves Earth. The Autobots learn that Galvatron is Megatron reincarnated, plotting to use the Seed and the Transformer drones to conquer the world, and that KSI plans to use the Seed in the Mongolian desert to create vast amounts of usable Transformium. Cade informs Joshua, who agrees to hand over the Seed with help from Darcy and his Chinese business associate Su Yueming (Li Bingbing). Galvatron reactivates himself and takes control of the drones. A battle follows in Hong Kong between the Autobots, Cemetery Wind, and the drones. During the fight, Cade sends Savoy plummeting to his death while Optimus frees the Dinobots and wins their allegiance through trial by combat, becoming essential to the Autobots' victory.

Lockdown returns to recapture Optimus and the Dinobots, using a large magnet to cause destruction. After disabling the magnet, Optimus fights Lockdown. In the ensuing duel, Optimus kills Attinger to save Cade, but the distraction allows Lockdown to pin Optimus down with his sword. Cade ends up fighting Lockdown one-on-one while Tessa and Shane use a tow truck to free Optimus, who kills Lockdown before defeating the remaining drones with Lockdown's grenades. Galvatron retreats, vowing to return. Optimus asks the Autobots to protect the Yeagers while Joshua offers to help them build a new home, before flying away into space with the Seed, sending a message to the Creators that he is coming for them...

"Wait, Bumblebee was a shit Camaro first... he
upgraded in the first film... now he's downgraded
again but about to upgrade again?"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR, SHIT-HEAD!"

...and much like that movie itself, that plot synopsis was a little long winded and dragged in many spots, but it is finally wrapped up. So what did we learn from Transformers: Age of Extinction? First off, the radical star change from Shia LaBeouf to Marky Mark was a bit jarring. Remember if you read me when I typed that I did not see this one in theaters. This was actually the first time I saw this one just this past week. Once I saw this was a radical casting shift with no returning human characters, not even John Turturro's Simmons character, I was put off when the film was in release. I thought it was a dirty ol' reboot that clogged the cinemas instead. Come to find out when I watch this one that it actually is a direct sequel to Dark of the Moon and does continue the story of the previous three movies. Just with a radical swap in cast. Now, that all being said... Marky Mark actually was okay in this role. I didn't actually think he was bad. Playing a cobbler-inventor? Yeah ok, a bit of a stretch, but I still bought it. It was his supporting cast to me, the daughter, the Irish mick boyfriend (I can say mick, I'm Irish HEH), and T.J. Miller as the employee Lucas, that I found either unnecessary or unmemorable. T.J. Miller, usually I can give him props for comedy; here? He was a bit dry.

I did love and enjoy the inclusion of Kelsey Grammer. I love Kelsey Grammer in anything I see him in, and this was no exception. While he was sort of just "stock government bad guy #42" in this role, it still was Kelsey Grammer to me so I was down with it. Shout out to Sideshow Bob! I was kind of hoping he'd mutter "Ohhhhhhh Bart" on screen but he never did. Lol

Aww what an endearing shot of just a man desperate
to fix his truck... except in Transformers-verse, he's
hanging off of Optimus's pec sooo... a tad homoerotic?"

Other than that, it was just very Transformer-y, which yes is a term I'm going to continue exercising as we plow our way through the rest of these movies. The CGI was pretty stellar up until the third act 40-minute long end battle that resulted in... YOU GUESSED IT... more CGI fatigue. Like stuff built in a computer only looks so pretty for so long guys then you kind of just relent that you're watching a cartoon. I get it to do this practically would've been 3x the cost, but still. I did enjoy the new Autobot characters as well. Once I knew this wasn't a hard reboot like I thought for many years, I knew the name-value Autobots they had in the previous films were dead and gone forever. Bumblebee was still here, as was Optimus Prime; you aren't killing those two off unless you have major balls. Name-brand Decepticons were pretty much non-existent after Megatron and Starscream got the axe. Still, Hound, Drift, and Crosshairs were fun supporting Autobots. I enjoyed them.

What did I think overall of Age of Extinction, the now fourth Michael Bay Transformers movie in this series? I know a lot of people hated it, but I'm going to come out here with a radical opinion. It did the Dinobots dirty with such a low amount of screentime, especially with fan-favorites like Grimlock, Swoop, Snarl, and Slag... but still seeing Grimlock in both forms (albeit robot-form briefly) was satisfying enough for me. I do understand why that would have pissed fans who were alive in the 80's off though, like I get that. Didn't affect me all the match, so I'll call it a wash. On top of that, seeing Michael Bay's rendition of Galvatron, the rebuilt Megatron from the G1 era, as well (originally voiced by Leonard Nimoy in The Transformers: The Movie in 1986... who voiced Sentinel Prime in Dark of the Moon) was also a treat for me, even if... it too was for a small amount of screentime altogether. Ok... I think I totally get why other people hated this movie. It just kind of jerks you off with a bloated screenplay showing you human drama instead of showing you 80's toys bashing each other's heads in here and there. Except, it then has them all do it at the end all at once for like half an hour to the point it bores the shit out of you and you become numb to it. Nope, yep; totally get it now.

Aside from those aspects, there wasn't really anything I hated vehemently like in Revenge of the Fallen. This one kind of just drags and could've been a half hour, maybe even forty-five minutes shorter. Even besides that, aside from the daughter and boyfriend characters were entirely boring and forgetful, I didn't even dislike any of the human characters that much. Age of Extinction to me isn't that bad. I'd recommend it but only unfortunately if you have three GODDAMN hours to kill.

It's the most long-winded "pretty okay" movie I've seen in recent weeks.

Please... please put your guns down, we have more of these never-ending Transformers movies left to review. Coming up in the next few weeks!

A Review of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

"Wow, is that Sentinel Prime?" "Yep, and that's his big, fat ballsack." "Wow, immaculate."
♫ Whaaaaaaaat I've doooooooone, I'll faaace myseeelf... to cross out what IIIIII've beeeeeeecome ♫

Happy Friday, and happy August! Took a week off last week, not really sure why, but I'm trying to avoid blog burnout again. Remember in the old days when I'd come and go in terms of punctuality, publishing, and keeping up with series? I'd vomit four posts in a week then disappear for a month? Talk about DISORGANIZED.

Speaking of disorganized, it's time for another Michael Bay Transformers movie isn't it? The year is 2011. With a good Transformers movie under our belt, and a crap-tastic one unfortunately hogging some space under the same belt... it was time to round out the potential trilogy and bring it to a close. Or close? With the question mark? The summer of 2011, after I graduated high school, came Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Back again is Shia LaBeouf as Sam "why am I still here?" Witwicky, back are Sam's parents, back is Peter Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime... and arriving for the first time is renowned Oscar-winner Frances McDormand? She must've had a down year that year. Welcome to the third film in the Transformers saga and the last one I actually watched theatrically. Is it a step up from Revenge of the Fallen, or is it more of the same, tired tripe that fails to live up to the original? How about... both. Let's rip this one apart.

"Rose, I'm here to tell you right now. Do not sign
a multi-picture deal. I'm out after this one."

In 1960, the Ark, a Cybertronian spacecraft carrying an invention capable of ending the war between Autobots and Decepticons, crash lands on the dark side of Earth's Moon and is detected by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the Moon as a cover for investigating the spacecraft. In 1969, the crew of Apollo 11 lands on the Moon and secretly inspects the Ark before returning to Earth. In the present day, four years after the skirmish in Egypt, the Autobots assist humanity in preventing major conflicts. During a mission to the site of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear disaster to investigate suspected alien technology, the Autobots are attacked by Decepticon scientist Shockwave (Frank Welker) and his giant worm Driller (non-speaking). After the two escape, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) discovers that the technology is a fuel cell from the Ark, thought to have been lost after escaping Cybertron. The Autobots travel to the Moon and discover Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy), the Autobots' leader before Optimus, in a comatose state along with five Pillars he created as a means of establishing a "Space Bridge", a wormhole able to teleport matter between two points. On Earth, Optimus uses the energy of the Matrix of Leadership to revive Sentinel.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) lives with his new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) but is unable to work with the Autobots. Where is Megan Fox? Why isn't she here? Who knows... but I'll betcha Jennifer's Body didn't do her any favors. At his new job, co-worker Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, mid Hangover fame) gives him information about the Ark, before being assassinated by the Decepticon Laserbeak (Keith Szarabajka). It is revealed that the Decepticons are murdering people connected to the American and Soviet space missions to the Ark. Sam contacts Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), and they locate two surviving cosmonauts, who reveal photos of hundreds of Pillars being stockpiled on the Moon. The Decepticons raided the Ark long before the Apollo 11 mission and intentionally left Sentinel and the five Pillars for the Autobots to find, knowing that Sentinel is the key to activating the Pillars. Meanwhile, Sam and the Autobots return Sentinel to their base. However, he betrays them by revealing that he made a deal with Megatron (Hugo Weaving) to ensure Cybertron's survival before killing Ironhide (Jess Harnell). OH NO... not IRONHIDE?! Except... when I saw this in the theaters I thought Ironhide was already dead and this was just yet another plot hole, ha.

"That's one smell step for man... one--giant retcon
from Michael Bay."

Sentinel uses the Pillars to transport hundreds of concealed Decepticons from the Moon to Earth. Not to be confused with the Jules Verne novel "From the Earth to the Moon"... zing. Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey... not the boxing champion), Carly's boss, is revealed to be working with them. With the help of Soundwave (also Frank Welker), he captures Carly. At the demand of the Decepticons, the Autobots are exiled from Earth. However, as their ship leaves Earth, it is destroyed by Starscream (Charlie Adler), seemingly killing them. The Decepticons invade Chicago while placing Pillars around the world to begin transporting their homeworld Cybertron to the Solar System. They want to use Earth's resources to rebuild their world, enslaving humanity in the process... which doesn't really make much sense to me. Why enslave humans to rebuild Cybertron? I think/feel like Cybertronian robotoids would be much better suited to constructing Cybertron as it once was, given what I've seen in the flashbacks so far. Humans wouldn't be able to accomplish that, even numbering in the billions. On top of that; I also don't feel like Earth resources would be insufficient to rebuild Cybertron. Oh well... generic 80's villain plot is generic, I guess.

Back to the action: Sam teams up with former N.E.S.T. soldier Robert Epps (Tyrese "Please keep casting me in these movies" Gibson) to go into Chicago to save Carly and arrest Dylan. However, they are nearly killed by the Decepticons before the Autobots intervene. It turns out that the Autobots faked their death to gain an advantage over the Decepticons... I guess? Sam, along with N.E.S.T. teams and Navy SEALs, rescue Carly and begin fighting off the Decepticons. During the battle, Que (George Coe) is executed, and Bumblebee kills Soundwave while Optimus fights Sentinel. Many other Decepticons, including Laserbeak, Starscream, the Driller, and Shockwave are killed in the ensuing battle. That's how I can tell this movie was envisioned as the end of a trilogy... the deaths of all the key Transformers! Ironhide, Starscream, Shockwave, Soundwave... wild stuff. I complimented this movie for having balls to do that, and I still do.

"Please, Optimus! I have been... and always shall be... your
friend!" "OH ENOUGH TREK CALLBACKS, man!"

Sam fights Dylan and knocks him into the Pillar, electrocuting and killing him. Bumblebee destroys the Control Pillar, permanently disabling the Bridge and causing the partially transported Cybertron to implode. Meanwhile, Carly convinces Megatron that he will be replaced by Sentinel as the leader of the Decepticons. While fighting, Sentinel is about to kill Optimus before he is incapacitated by Megatron, who is determined to regain his leadership. Megatron then offers a truce, but Optimus refuses to forgive him and decapitates him... and BOOM Megatron is killed as well! Uh... once again. Sentinel tries to reason his actions to Optimus but is executed by him for his betrayal. Sam and Carly are reunited, and the Autobots remain on Earth as their permanent home, basically leaving us where we were at the end of the last movie... just with a lot less mouths to feed.

Too soon?

So what did we learn by watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon? Well... first off I can say that Shia LaBeouf feels completely checked out. Like Megan Fox got to leave the franchise over disagreements with Michael Bay, but Shia had to stick around to hold the flag and keep the franchise going... but he feels like by this third film he's just phoning it in. Not to mention, his parents', Kevin Dunn and Julie White, schtick is kind of worn out by this movie as well. Retired and bouncing around Europe is their gimmick now. In Transformers which was the first one, it's fresh and kind of chuckleworthy the way these helicopter parents butt into Sam's life constantly. By now, even I'm like "Dudes just let the kid live and breathe with his girlfriend that is too hot for him. Let him BE."

"Hey Shia! You realize without the glory of computers, this
shot would just be you dangling in front of a green back-
drop?"
"YES THANK YOU BUMBLEBEE!"

Otherwise, the movie is just as "Bay-former-y" as ever. The final battle is absolutely ludicrous in length and scale, and I find myself suffering from CGI-fatigue just watching it. Everything is an explosion or a crumbling building or a gunshot or a Transformer buried under some rubble or getting blown apart. Not to mention, the whole psych-out with the Autobots "dying" didn't fool me for a second because... it was a tad extreme. Killing every Autobot, leaving the humans to fight the Decepticon forces by themselves? Yeah, ok heavy eye roll. HOWEVER... I will say that with regards to the Transformers themselves, a performance that stuck out was Leonard Nimoy, Spock himself as Sentinel Prime. Nimoy originally voiced Galvatron in the 1986 animated movie The Transformers: The Movie, so having him back here felt like another tribute to the classic Transformers cartoon and franchise. I loved his performance, his menacing voice, and even that one time he quoted Spock by saying "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". It was a touching if not forced tribute the first time I saw it in the theater.

Of course, it wouldn't be this series of posts if I didn't acknowledge the Michael Bay Transformers plot holes! Like Sentinel Prime's being in his alternative form early on even before he's brought to Earth! When we first see Sentinel being extracted from the Ark by Optimus, we can see that he already looks as though his alternative form is the Rosenbauer Panther Fire Truck, which didn't exist in the 1960's when Sentinel and the Ark crash landed. Plus remember in the first movie, remember all the other Autobots came to Earth in their proto forms and adopted an Earth-based disguise when they arrived... yet Sentinel prime already has his, which should not be possible. Plus there's the business in the narrative regarding the moon landing! The film tries to claim that six lunar missions were to collect samples from the Ark. However, the missions had landing coordinates in real life that were hundreds of miles apart. If only supposedly thirty-five people knew about the true secret mission, that leaves hundreds if not thousands of others who believed that they were working toward actual lunar exploration, meaning it would be very difficult to fake telemetry data without someone noticing. HOW ABOUT THE DECEPTICONS' END GAME? Even grade schoolers know transporting a large planet into Earth's orbit would have devastating effects to Earth's gravitational field and orbit around the sun... The Decepticons' plan to enslave humanity would fail as all or most of the Earth's population would be dead.

Ha, besides all of that, I see Transformers: Dark of the Moon as a watchable sequel. It's better than Revenge of the Fallen in my opinion, but it still doesn't or can't shake off a lot of RotF's sillier elements such as over-the-top acting, silly dialogue from cartoon characters, both CG and human... and honestly it's kind of just "there". That's the best way I can put it. Right now it's better than RotF as I mentioned, but still doesn't come near what the first movie was, which was and still is pretty solid by comparison to its sequels so far. I'd say if you're suuuuuper bored one Saturday afternoon, or you have a party or something in a few hours and you need to kill some time... and you've already watched one and two... watch this one. If you do not meet any of these criteria, you can skip it. Lol.