A Review of "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"

"Wow, is that Sentinel Prime?" "Yep, and that's his big, fat ballsack." "Wow, immaculate."
♫ Whaaaaaaaat I've doooooooone, I'll faaace myseeelf... to cross out what IIIIII've beeeeeeecome ♫

Happy Friday, and happy August! Took a week off last week, not really sure why, but I'm trying to avoid blog burnout again. Remember in the old days when I'd come and go in terms of punctuality, publishing, and keeping up with series? I'd vomit four posts in a week then disappear for a month? Talk about DISORGANIZED.

Speaking of disorganized, it's time for another Michael Bay Transformers movie isn't it? The year is 2011. With a good Transformers movie under our belt, and a crap-tastic one unfortunately hogging some space under the same belt... it was time to round out the potential trilogy and bring it to a close. Or close? With the question mark? The summer of 2011, after I graduated high school, came Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Back again is Shia LaBeouf as Sam "why am I still here?" Witwicky, back are Sam's parents, back is Peter Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime... and arriving for the first time is renowned Oscar-winner Frances McDormand? She must've had a down year that year. Welcome to the third film in the Transformers saga and the last one I actually watched theatrically. Is it a step up from Revenge of the Fallen, or is it more of the same, tired tripe that fails to live up to the original? How about... both. Let's rip this one apart.

"Rose, I'm here to tell you right now. Do not sign
a multi-picture deal. I'm out after this one."

In 1960, the Ark, a Cybertronian spacecraft carrying an invention capable of ending the war between Autobots and Decepticons, crash lands on the dark side of Earth's Moon and is detected by NASA. President John F. Kennedy authorizes a mission to put a man on the Moon as a cover for investigating the spacecraft. In 1969, the crew of Apollo 11 lands on the Moon and secretly inspects the Ark before returning to Earth. In the present day, four years after the skirmish in Egypt, the Autobots assist humanity in preventing major conflicts. During a mission to the site of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear disaster to investigate suspected alien technology, the Autobots are attacked by Decepticon scientist Shockwave (Frank Welker) and his giant worm Driller (non-speaking). After the two escape, Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) discovers that the technology is a fuel cell from the Ark, thought to have been lost after escaping Cybertron. The Autobots travel to the Moon and discover Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy), the Autobots' leader before Optimus, in a comatose state along with five Pillars he created as a means of establishing a "Space Bridge", a wormhole able to teleport matter between two points. On Earth, Optimus uses the energy of the Matrix of Leadership to revive Sentinel.

Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) lives with his new girlfriend, Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) but is unable to work with the Autobots. Where is Megan Fox? Why isn't she here? Who knows... but I'll betcha Jennifer's Body didn't do her any favors. At his new job, co-worker Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong, mid Hangover fame) gives him information about the Ark, before being assassinated by the Decepticon Laserbeak (Keith Szarabajka). It is revealed that the Decepticons are murdering people connected to the American and Soviet space missions to the Ark. Sam contacts Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), and they locate two surviving cosmonauts, who reveal photos of hundreds of Pillars being stockpiled on the Moon. The Decepticons raided the Ark long before the Apollo 11 mission and intentionally left Sentinel and the five Pillars for the Autobots to find, knowing that Sentinel is the key to activating the Pillars. Meanwhile, Sam and the Autobots return Sentinel to their base. However, he betrays them by revealing that he made a deal with Megatron (Hugo Weaving) to ensure Cybertron's survival before killing Ironhide (Jess Harnell). OH NO... not IRONHIDE?! Except... when I saw this in the theaters I thought Ironhide was already dead and this was just yet another plot hole, ha.

"That's one smell step for man... one--giant retcon
from Michael Bay."

Sentinel uses the Pillars to transport hundreds of concealed Decepticons from the Moon to Earth. Not to be confused with the Jules Verne novel "From the Earth to the Moon"... zing. Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey... not the boxing champion), Carly's boss, is revealed to be working with them. With the help of Soundwave (also Frank Welker), he captures Carly. At the demand of the Decepticons, the Autobots are exiled from Earth. However, as their ship leaves Earth, it is destroyed by Starscream (Charlie Adler), seemingly killing them. The Decepticons invade Chicago while placing Pillars around the world to begin transporting their homeworld Cybertron to the Solar System. They want to use Earth's resources to rebuild their world, enslaving humanity in the process... which doesn't really make much sense to me. Why enslave humans to rebuild Cybertron? I think/feel like Cybertronian robotoids would be much better suited to constructing Cybertron as it once was, given what I've seen in the flashbacks so far. Humans wouldn't be able to accomplish that, even numbering in the billions. On top of that; I also don't feel like Earth resources would be insufficient to rebuild Cybertron. Oh well... generic 80's villain plot is generic, I guess.

Back to the action: Sam teams up with former N.E.S.T. soldier Robert Epps (Tyrese "Please keep casting me in these movies" Gibson) to go into Chicago to save Carly and arrest Dylan. However, they are nearly killed by the Decepticons before the Autobots intervene. It turns out that the Autobots faked their death to gain an advantage over the Decepticons... I guess? Sam, along with N.E.S.T. teams and Navy SEALs, rescue Carly and begin fighting off the Decepticons. During the battle, Que (George Coe) is executed, and Bumblebee kills Soundwave while Optimus fights Sentinel. Many other Decepticons, including Laserbeak, Starscream, the Driller, and Shockwave are killed in the ensuing battle. That's how I can tell this movie was envisioned as the end of a trilogy... the deaths of all the key Transformers! Ironhide, Starscream, Shockwave, Soundwave... wild stuff. I complimented this movie for having balls to do that, and I still do.

"Please, Optimus! I have been... and always shall be... your
friend!" "OH ENOUGH TREK CALLBACKS, man!"

Sam fights Dylan and knocks him into the Pillar, electrocuting and killing him. Bumblebee destroys the Control Pillar, permanently disabling the Bridge and causing the partially transported Cybertron to implode. Meanwhile, Carly convinces Megatron that he will be replaced by Sentinel as the leader of the Decepticons. While fighting, Sentinel is about to kill Optimus before he is incapacitated by Megatron, who is determined to regain his leadership. Megatron then offers a truce, but Optimus refuses to forgive him and decapitates him... and BOOM Megatron is killed as well! Uh... once again. Sentinel tries to reason his actions to Optimus but is executed by him for his betrayal. Sam and Carly are reunited, and the Autobots remain on Earth as their permanent home, basically leaving us where we were at the end of the last movie... just with a lot less mouths to feed.

Too soon?

So what did we learn by watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon? Well... first off I can say that Shia LaBeouf feels completely checked out. Like Megan Fox got to leave the franchise over disagreements with Michael Bay, but Shia had to stick around to hold the flag and keep the franchise going... but he feels like by this third film he's just phoning it in. Not to mention, his parents', Kevin Dunn and Julie White, schtick is kind of worn out by this movie as well. Retired and bouncing around Europe is their gimmick now. In Transformers which was the first one, it's fresh and kind of chuckleworthy the way these helicopter parents butt into Sam's life constantly. By now, even I'm like "Dudes just let the kid live and breathe with his girlfriend that is too hot for him. Let him BE."

"Hey Shia! You realize without the glory of computers, this
shot would just be you dangling in front of a green back-
drop?"
"YES THANK YOU BUMBLEBEE!"

Otherwise, the movie is just as "Bay-former-y" as ever. The final battle is absolutely ludicrous in length and scale, and I find myself suffering from CGI-fatigue just watching it. Everything is an explosion or a crumbling building or a gunshot or a Transformer buried under some rubble or getting blown apart. Not to mention, the whole psych-out with the Autobots "dying" didn't fool me for a second because... it was a tad extreme. Killing every Autobot, leaving the humans to fight the Decepticon forces by themselves? Yeah, ok heavy eye roll. HOWEVER... I will say that with regards to the Transformers themselves, a performance that stuck out was Leonard Nimoy, Spock himself as Sentinel Prime. Nimoy originally voiced Galvatron in the 1986 animated movie The Transformers: The Movie, so having him back here felt like another tribute to the classic Transformers cartoon and franchise. I loved his performance, his menacing voice, and even that one time he quoted Spock by saying "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few". It was a touching if not forced tribute the first time I saw it in the theater.

Of course, it wouldn't be this series of posts if I didn't acknowledge the Michael Bay Transformers plot holes! Like Sentinel Prime's being in his alternative form early on even before he's brought to Earth! When we first see Sentinel being extracted from the Ark by Optimus, we can see that he already looks as though his alternative form is the Rosenbauer Panther Fire Truck, which didn't exist in the 1960's when Sentinel and the Ark crash landed. Plus remember in the first movie, remember all the other Autobots came to Earth in their proto forms and adopted an Earth-based disguise when they arrived... yet Sentinel prime already has his, which should not be possible. Plus there's the business in the narrative regarding the moon landing! The film tries to claim that six lunar missions were to collect samples from the Ark. However, the missions had landing coordinates in real life that were hundreds of miles apart. If only supposedly thirty-five people knew about the true secret mission, that leaves hundreds if not thousands of others who believed that they were working toward actual lunar exploration, meaning it would be very difficult to fake telemetry data without someone noticing. HOW ABOUT THE DECEPTICONS' END GAME? Even grade schoolers know transporting a large planet into Earth's orbit would have devastating effects to Earth's gravitational field and orbit around the sun... The Decepticons' plan to enslave humanity would fail as all or most of the Earth's population would be dead.

Ha, besides all of that, I see Transformers: Dark of the Moon as a watchable sequel. It's better than Revenge of the Fallen in my opinion, but it still doesn't or can't shake off a lot of RotF's sillier elements such as over-the-top acting, silly dialogue from cartoon characters, both CG and human... and honestly it's kind of just "there". That's the best way I can put it. Right now it's better than RotF as I mentioned, but still doesn't come near what the first movie was, which was and still is pretty solid by comparison to its sequels so far. I'd say if you're suuuuuper bored one Saturday afternoon, or you have a party or something in a few hours and you need to kill some time... and you've already watched one and two... watch this one. If you do not meet any of these criteria, you can skip it. Lol.