A Review of "The Flash" (2023)

This is a screen cap from the movie, but it could also very well be Ezra Miller with an angel and a devil on their shoulders,
one telling them to be kind-hearted and give it their all in the role... and the other telling them to go punch that child they
see square in the jaw, yell about the Demogorgon, and run guns blazing into the nearest Chick Fil A.

Happy Friday! We're rolling through the month of September, in the year of our Lord 2023, and I don't know why on Earth I started it like that. We've finished reviewing the movies of James Cameron, we've finished reviewing Planet of the Apes and it's four sequels, it's remake, and it's reboot trilogy, we topped off our tanks touching the rest of the Terminator movies and then ran through all seven Transformers movies this year so far. This is without a doubt been my most structured, most consistent year that I've had on this blog! What's next?

"Wait, why am I here? I thought Superman killed
me." "Mr. Zod--" "That's General Zod to you, SWINE!"

How's about a one-off, and it's a one-off from this year! It was a hotly debated movie in the years leading up to, the day of, and the ensuing weeks after release. Not only for its lead star's off-screen antics, the return of an aging actor in an iconic comic book role that he once made famous (and that I still salute this day), in a cinematic comic book movie universe that was dead before this movie even came out. I'm talking about 2023's The Flash! I watched this movie for the first time in recent weeks streaming on HBO Max... or I'm sorry I guess it's just "Max" now... just to see what all the hubbub is about! I sat down, finally ready to see this showcase for what it is and I have... thoughts. Oh boy do I have thoughts. Let's step through the synopsis first, and then I'll explain!

After helping Batman (Ben Affleck, from previous DCEU films) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot, also from previous DCEU films) stop a robbery in Gotham City, Barry Allen (everyone's favorite internet mugshot, Ezra Miller) revisits his childhood home, where he lived with his parents Nora (Maribel Verdú) and Henry (Ron Livingston), before Henry's wrongful imprisonment for Nora's murder. On the day of Nora's death, Henry went to the grocery store to get a can of tomatoes that she forgot to buy, leaving her in the kitchen, and resulting in her death. Overcome by emotions, Barry accidentally uses the Speed Force to travel back in time earlier in the day. Despite Batman's warnings of unintended consequences from time travel, Barry goes back to the day of Nora's death and places the can of tomatoes in her cart at the store, so that his father does not leave the house. Returning to the present, Barry is knocked out of the Speed Force by another, unknown speedster and ends up in an alternate 2013 where Nora is alive. In his home, he encounters his parents, then his past self (basically Ezra Miller if he was immune to getting arrested), and realizes he arrived on the day he originally obtained his powers.

This is what my nightmares look like. Horrifically
rushed CGI.

In order to make sure his past self gains superpowers, the two Barrys go to the Central City Police Department, where Barry re-enacts the event and forces 2013-Barry to position himself to be struck by lightning. Both end up getting struck by the lightning, giving 2013-Barry powers, but causing Barry to lose his own. As Barry struggles to train 2013-Barry on properly using his powers, they learn that General Zod (Michael Shannon) is preparing to invade Earth. In an effort to fight Zod, the Barrys attempt to assemble the Justice League but are unsuccessful; in their timeline, they cannot locate Diana, Victor Stone (Ray Fisher) has not gained his abilities yet, and Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) was never born. They travel to Wayne Manor, hoping to find Bruce, but instead find an alternate, older variant who has long since retired. This Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton, from the Burtonverse of Batman and Batman Returns) reveals that using time travel to alter history affects events both prior to and after the alteration. They convince Bruce to return as Batman and help them find Kal-El.

Using the Batcomputer, the Barrys, and Batman locate a Kryptonian pod reportedly discovered in Siberia. Upon arrival, they instead find Kal-El's cousin, Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle), trapped in the facility. After rescuing Kara, Bruce tries to help Barry get his powers back by recreating the original accident. The first two attempts fail, prompting Kara to fly Barry into the storm, where he regains his powers. Kara and Batman join the Barrys to fight Zod and his forces. During the battle, Kara learns that Zod had intercepted Kal-El's escape pod and killed him during a failed attempt to retrieve the Codex needed to repopulate the Kryptonian species. So... so long, Henry Cavill. Thank you for coming. The Codex is actually within Kara and Zod eventually kills her, obtaining it from her blood; meanwhile, Batman sacrifices himself in an unsuccessful attempt to destroy Zod's ship. That's right, the big end for Michael Keaton's epic return to the role of Batman, is a kamikaze move into a flying Kryptonian ship.... yippee. Watching my childhood hero do that was like having a drawing I made my parents twenty years ago get ripped up in an estate sale after they're long gone... *sobs*.

...and this one is probably Ezra's conscience telling
them to go take a leak on that parked cop car.

The Barrys repeatedly travel back through time to try to save them, but fail in every attempt. So not only do I get to watch Michael Keaton crash and burn, I get to watch him get the crap beat out of him and die on every attempt. Barry realizes that this sequence of events cannot be changed, but 2013-Barry keeps trying. As 2013-Barry travels, the multiverse starts to implode. The unknown speedster who originally knocked Barry out of the Speed Force returns and is revealed to be an older, future version of 2013-Barry who still believes he can defeat Zod and save Batman and Kara. Someone who tried over and over again. He becomes angry when Barry reveals his intention to reverse the changes he made to the timeline by letting Nora die. The elder 2013-Barry attempts to kill Barry, but instead impales young 2013-Barry, who sacrifices himself to save Barry and wipe his future self from the timeline.

Barry reverts the timeline and comes to terms with his mother's death; however, he subtly alters the past by moving the tomato cans to a higher shelf. Henry looks up while grabbing it and a security camera sees his face, allowing for his exoneration. After returning to the present, Barry is contacted by Batman, whose appearance has changed once again... into George Clooney as one final punchline and "fuck you" or "fuck yeah" depending on how you look at it... and that's it! That's the end of the movie. I mean there's a post-credit scene, where Barry explains his effects on the timeline to a drunk Arthur Curry, revealing the current timeline to be mostly similar to the original one... then it's done.

That's The Flash, from this year. Oh boy.

"--but then all of a sudden... like a giant fuckin' spider
shows up!"

Look, I can't review this movie as a comic book movie. I have to review it as a movie movie. Let me get that out of the way. I never read Flashpoint or really any Flash comics. I don't know much about the Flash character. I know he's Barry Allen, and I know he's based out of Central City. I'm serious, I never watched the famous CW show that everyone loves, oddly enough called "The Flash" lol. So I want that all on record when I give my opinion of this movie. I watched this movie like many others; to see Michael Keaton come back as Batman. We were psyched to get multiple entries in this saga where Keaton plays Batman, but since Batgirl got scrapped and we'll probably never see it, this is it; this will stand as his big righteous return. That's why I watched this movie, and I knew going into it that I wasn't going to be satisfied. The movie's called The Flash for God's sake, it's not called Michael Keaton stars in "The Flash", so I knew I'd be disappointed at Keaton's performance and role in the movie and not really think much of the rest. Again, I watched The Flash solely because as I've stated in the blog previously, Batman from 1989 is one of my favorite not only comic book movies but movies of all time, and was dying to see Keaton back in the role of Batman again. SURPRISE: I was pretty disappointed... having Keaton's Batman from the Burtonverse Batman movies in The Flash is like digitally inserting your parent's VHS wedding video over your Snapchat footage of that punk rock concert you went to. A nice treat, but it's confusing and misplaced and your parents just seem confused as to why there's music playing. I didn't even like Keaton's tired old Bruce Wayne explaining the Multiverse with spaghetti noodles. Feels like when you have your grandma who still uses a wall-mounted rotary dial phone explain how iOS downloads and installs patches from Apple; just like an unholy marriage between what was and what is. It's like having Thomas Jefferson explain how to merge onto an Interstate safely while using turn signals... like "how the hell would he know? Shut the HELL up".

"What are we doing, Batman?"
"I'm Batmaaaaaaan."
"Dude, what is this Batman's deal?"
"He's Batman, dude."

That all said and being out of the way. I thought the movie was pretty "eh". Ezra Miller actually does a great job double-leading this movie, despite their let's just say "extra curricular activities" in the weeks leading up to its release. I had a couple good laugh-out-loud moments from the movie; my favorite off the top of my head is when 2013-Barry puts on the makeshift Flash mask and looks at modern day Barry and it's all crooked and warped to rip on the '89 Batsuit. I also liked having Michael Shannon back, I enjoy him as an actor thanks to his performance in the miniseries Waco that was about... well, Waco. Lol Other than that? Ehhhhhh. It was serviceable popcorn entertainment enough.

The effects of the movie were God awful. I'm sorry, they were. Absolutely cartoony garbage. They're the showcase of effects that make you wonder if you're watching a live-action movie. The opening sequence catching the falling babies made me feel weird watching it. Like it wasn't funny, it wasn't humorous, it wasn't laugh-out-loud. I didn't give it a chuckle, not a tee-hee... not even a condescending "ha". I don't know why that was the agreed upon main title sequence. AND THEN there were the cameos they shoe-horned into the thing. Goddamn, this movie wanted to be the Avengers so bad. There were some cameos in there in the sequence where time and space is all breaking down you're just like "Why though". Christopher Reeve's Superman? Helen Slater's Supergirl? George Reeves' Superman? Adam West's Batman? Even Nicolas Cage's Superman from the cancelled Tim Burton movie from the 90's Superman Lives? It serves no purpose other than fan-service to shove those guys in there. I wouldn't care except 99% of the CGI looks like total GameCube/PS2 gobbledygook. I mean it looks cheap, rushed, and if it looked like that... why include it?

Aside from the forced resurrection of the dead for the sake of our entertainment... the CGI for all the action sequences, to me, came off roughly similar. Good God, just atrociously comical. Cheap, cartoony, like a freakin' video game.

I never believed for a second that Michael Keaton's
Bruce Wayne would ever let himself go to the point
he looks like freakin' Santa Claus... "ho ho ho, I'm
Batman!"

I haven't even started about what I think of the story and how contrived and repeated the narrative of "dude discovers time-travel and decides to misuse its power to their own detriment and realize the err of their ways by going back and fixing everything" trope is. I'm just so tired of time-travel in movies like these, and that's coming from me where Back to the Future is my favorite movie of all time. This movie's dialogue about time travel wasn't even gripping to me. Everything Batfleck told Barry about the dangers of time travel, I'd heard either in a trailer or a movie five, ten, twenty years prior. Just lazy, Lazy, L A Z Y... and sure enough? What's Barry do? He goes on his escapade anyway. What happens by the end? 2013-Barry failed to understand the basic logic of the butterfly effect and causality loops and now we have our Speed Force villain. That was a least an interesting twist to make 2013-Barry the villain in that environment, but beyond that I was just like... "Eh" to the whole thing.

I can't really say I recommend The Flash. It was just like it's name suggests, a flash in the pan. It was more of a cultural moment than a movie release, and because of that, it was a pretty empty movie. Absurd special effects, ridiculous overacting, convoluted time-travel storyline, shoe-horning in the hodge-podge digital faces of dead people for what amounts to nothing more than a lark; just a shameless and quite frankly lazy movie. I think I'll just dismiss this one, unfortunately. It was pretty forgettable, and I'm sure it, like the DCEU it was made for that was already D.O.A., will fade away to obscurity when a far superior and more faithful adaptation is made into a film years from now. People already tell me the CW show is insanely good and a much more admirable adaptation of the Flash character and comic. So even though I haven't seen it, yet anyway, I'll recommend all eight or whatever seasons of that. Toss this movie aside.