A Review of "Transformers: Age of Extinction"

*Tyrannosaurus roaring noise* "Hey wait a minute, T-Rex's never breathed fire." "Yeah, weird."
♫ Whaaaaaaaat I've doooooooone, I'll faaace myseeelf... to cross out what IIIIII've beeeeeeecome ♫

Happy Friday, fellow on-again, off-again sad sacks. We've come to the conclusion of another work week. Well, we will by the end of the day today. I would wait to post these in the afternoons so you know, people surfing social media after work who remotely give a shit would enjoy a post work movie review fresh off the presses, but instead I fire 'em off in the morning while everyone, including me, is at work because by the end of the day Friday even I don't care anymore.

"I am GALVATRON... and I. HATE. CHEVROLET."

So we've survived three Michael Bay-led Transformers movies. We've arrived at the end of the trilogy. So I guess that's it then, what shall we review now? Wait... wait hold on my phone is ringing. One second... ... ... ... ... ... Hmm, that was the strangest phone call. I was told there not only are there more Transformers movies but there's even a couple more that were directed by Michael Bay. Originally, Michael Bay was not going to direct a fourth Transformers movie, but supposedly he had an experience that changed his mind. It's said that after the release of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Bay finally got to visit the Transformers ride at Universal Studios. Upon seeing fans waiting three blocks for the attraction, he realized he was not ready to leave the franchise just yet. So he saddled up, hired the first writer he could meet while on the bus-ride back to L.A. and crapped out a fourth movie. This is Transformers: Age of Extinction. Boy it's... it is quite a chore to sit through. Like the cinematic equivalent of a three-fingered prostate exam. You'd think after two sequels to a pretty good movie didn't live up to anybody and everybody's expectations that we'd say "Ok, enough, go make something else"; but nope, we got another one of these things in 2014 and people still cared I guess. Hell even though everybody shit on this movie coming out it still somehow grossed $1 billion at the box-office, making it the highest grossing movie of the year, and this was when Marvel's phase 2 was heating up!

So why does this one come out as yet another stinker? Well, I suppose I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't walk through the plot synopsis and then over my personal opinion on the matter. Though I'll be honest with you, I did not see this one in theaters as I was a broke-ass college kid at the time and couldn't even afford quality food, much less a movie ticket. So I had to special watch this one just for this series of reviews. I'm going to dig in and figure out why this one supposedly blows goats.

"Come on, run!" "Where are we going?"
"Anywhere but here!" "This building?!"
"NO man, this MOVIE."

Sixty-five million years ago, an alien race known as the "Creators" used devices called Seeds to cover Earth with a metallic alloy called "Transformium"... yes that is the real name... wiping out the dinosaurs in the process. In the present day, geologist Darcy Tirrel (Sophia Myles) excavates the Transformium for K.S.I. Industries, who use it to build Transformer drones. Five years later, despite the efforts after the Battle of Chicago, humans view Transformers as hostile and terminate all joint operations with them. Though the public believes that the Autobots were granted sanctuary, they are hunted down by a rogue CIA black ops division, Cemetery Wind, led by opportunistic, rogue intelligence operative Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer), who believes that all Transformers are dangerous and must be destroyed. Lockdown (Mark Ryan), a Cybertronian assassin and bounty hunter working for the Creators, is tasked to find Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen). In exchange, he gives Attinger a Seed if his division manages to capture Optimus. Lockdown locates and kills Ratchet (Robert Foxworth) when he refuses to give up Optimus's location.

Optimus, badly damaged in Mexico City, hides in Texas and is discovered by Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), a financially struggling inventor and a single father. While his teenage daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and business partner Lucas Flannery (T.J. Miller) encourage him to turn Optimus over to the authorities, Cade instead fixes Optimus. Hoping to collect an advertised reward, Lucas alerts the authorities, and James Savoy (Titus Welliver), Attinger's field commanding operative, attacks the Yeager farm, but Optimus, and Tessa's secret boyfriend, Irish rally car driver Shane Dyson (Jack Reynor), rescue the family. During the pursuit, Lucas is killed by one of Lockdown's grenades. Optimus summons the surviving Autobots – Bumblebee (usual non-speaking radio noise), Hound (John Goodman), Drift (Ken Watanbe), and Crosshairs (John DiMaggio). Using a stolen CIA drone, Cade discovers K.S.I.'s involvement with Cemetery Wind and the attacks on the Autobots.

Galvatron's alternate form looks like those new
Amazon delivery trucks we're all terrified of.

Infiltrating K.S.I.'s headquarters in Chicago, Cade discovers the dead Autobots and Decepticons being melted down to make Transformer drones. The K.S.I. CEO, Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci), is in league with Attinger to revolutionize global defenses and improve human society using the Seed to make more Transformium. He has also used the captured Brains (Reno Wilson) and Megatron's head to create prototype Transformer soldiers, Galvatron (Frank Welker) and Stinger (non-speaking). The Autobots storm the building and destroy the laboratory, but they soon leave after Joshua declares that they don't need them anymore. Attinger forces Joshua to deploy Galvatron and Stinger to capture the Autobots. During the battle, Galvatron's behavior becomes erratic. As Galvatron battles Optimus, it gets autonomously freed from control. Suddenly, Lockdown arrives and abducts both Optimus and Tessa while Galvatron retreats.

While Lockdown's large prison spacecraft hovers over Chicago to hand over the Seed, Cade, Shane, and the Autobots sneak on board to rescue Optimus and Tessa. They hijack a smaller ship, containing other Transformers called the Dinobots, just before Lockdown leaves Earth. The Autobots learn that Galvatron is Megatron reincarnated, plotting to use the Seed and the Transformer drones to conquer the world, and that KSI plans to use the Seed in the Mongolian desert to create vast amounts of usable Transformium. Cade informs Joshua, who agrees to hand over the Seed with help from Darcy and his Chinese business associate Su Yueming (Li Bingbing). Galvatron reactivates himself and takes control of the drones. A battle follows in Hong Kong between the Autobots, Cemetery Wind, and the drones. During the fight, Cade sends Savoy plummeting to his death while Optimus frees the Dinobots and wins their allegiance through trial by combat, becoming essential to the Autobots' victory.

Lockdown returns to recapture Optimus and the Dinobots, using a large magnet to cause destruction. After disabling the magnet, Optimus fights Lockdown. In the ensuing duel, Optimus kills Attinger to save Cade, but the distraction allows Lockdown to pin Optimus down with his sword. Cade ends up fighting Lockdown one-on-one while Tessa and Shane use a tow truck to free Optimus, who kills Lockdown before defeating the remaining drones with Lockdown's grenades. Galvatron retreats, vowing to return. Optimus asks the Autobots to protect the Yeagers while Joshua offers to help them build a new home, before flying away into space with the Seed, sending a message to the Creators that he is coming for them...

"Wait, Bumblebee was a shit Camaro first... he
upgraded in the first film... now he's downgraded
again but about to upgrade again?"
"JUST GET IN THE CAR, SHIT-HEAD!"

...and much like that movie itself, that plot synopsis was a little long winded and dragged in many spots, but it is finally wrapped up. So what did we learn from Transformers: Age of Extinction? First off, the radical star change from Shia LaBeouf to Marky Mark was a bit jarring. Remember if you read me when I typed that I did not see this one in theaters. This was actually the first time I saw this one just this past week. Once I saw this was a radical casting shift with no returning human characters, not even John Turturro's Simmons character, I was put off when the film was in release. I thought it was a dirty ol' reboot that clogged the cinemas instead. Come to find out when I watch this one that it actually is a direct sequel to Dark of the Moon and does continue the story of the previous three movies. Just with a radical swap in cast. Now, that all being said... Marky Mark actually was okay in this role. I didn't actually think he was bad. Playing a cobbler-inventor? Yeah ok, a bit of a stretch, but I still bought it. It was his supporting cast to me, the daughter, the Irish mick boyfriend (I can say mick, I'm Irish HEH), and T.J. Miller as the employee Lucas, that I found either unnecessary or unmemorable. T.J. Miller, usually I can give him props for comedy; here? He was a bit dry.

I did love and enjoy the inclusion of Kelsey Grammer. I love Kelsey Grammer in anything I see him in, and this was no exception. While he was sort of just "stock government bad guy #42" in this role, it still was Kelsey Grammer to me so I was down with it. Shout out to Sideshow Bob! I was kind of hoping he'd mutter "Ohhhhhhh Bart" on screen but he never did. Lol

Aww what an endearing shot of just a man desperate
to fix his truck... except in Transformers-verse, he's
hanging off of Optimus's pec sooo... a tad homoerotic?"

Other than that, it was just very Transformer-y, which yes is a term I'm going to continue exercising as we plow our way through the rest of these movies. The CGI was pretty stellar up until the third act 40-minute long end battle that resulted in... YOU GUESSED IT... more CGI fatigue. Like stuff built in a computer only looks so pretty for so long guys then you kind of just relent that you're watching a cartoon. I get it to do this practically would've been 3x the cost, but still. I did enjoy the new Autobot characters as well. Once I knew this wasn't a hard reboot like I thought for many years, I knew the name-value Autobots they had in the previous films were dead and gone forever. Bumblebee was still here, as was Optimus Prime; you aren't killing those two off unless you have major balls. Name-brand Decepticons were pretty much non-existent after Megatron and Starscream got the axe. Still, Hound, Drift, and Crosshairs were fun supporting Autobots. I enjoyed them.

What did I think overall of Age of Extinction, the now fourth Michael Bay Transformers movie in this series? I know a lot of people hated it, but I'm going to come out here with a radical opinion. It did the Dinobots dirty with such a low amount of screentime, especially with fan-favorites like Grimlock, Swoop, Snarl, and Slag... but still seeing Grimlock in both forms (albeit robot-form briefly) was satisfying enough for me. I do understand why that would have pissed fans who were alive in the 80's off though, like I get that. Didn't affect me all the match, so I'll call it a wash. On top of that, seeing Michael Bay's rendition of Galvatron, the rebuilt Megatron from the G1 era, as well (originally voiced by Leonard Nimoy in The Transformers: The Movie in 1986... who voiced Sentinel Prime in Dark of the Moon) was also a treat for me, even if... it too was for a small amount of screentime altogether. Ok... I think I totally get why other people hated this movie. It just kind of jerks you off with a bloated screenplay showing you human drama instead of showing you 80's toys bashing each other's heads in here and there. Except, it then has them all do it at the end all at once for like half an hour to the point it bores the shit out of you and you become numb to it. Nope, yep; totally get it now.

Aside from those aspects, there wasn't really anything I hated vehemently like in Revenge of the Fallen. This one kind of just drags and could've been a half hour, maybe even forty-five minutes shorter. Even besides that, aside from the daughter and boyfriend characters were entirely boring and forgetful, I didn't even dislike any of the human characters that much. Age of Extinction to me isn't that bad. I'd recommend it but only unfortunately if you have three GODDAMN hours to kill.

It's the most long-winded "pretty okay" movie I've seen in recent weeks.

Please... please put your guns down, we have more of these never-ending Transformers movies left to review. Coming up in the next few weeks!