HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child"

"Bon appetit, bitch!"

Oh God Almighty. I can't believe this is going to happen and that I had to subject myself to this one again. After A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, we've learned that absolutely nothing can kill Freddy Krueger it seems like. He suffers from the same thing that Jason Voorhees does; sequelitis. No force of God or man is powerful enough to stop the money-hungry and ill-sighted Hollywood producer. So now, Freddy's been forgotten about, had his ashes and skeleton burned and buried by holy water, and had inner souls of those he's killed rip him to shreds, where was the franchise left to go? Oh, I got it. How about having Freddy inhabit the dreams of an unborn fetus. That's not weird, sadistic, confusing or the least bit uncomfortable. Well... not intentionally.

Freddy the angry chef

Taking place almost a year after A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Alice (Lisa Wilcox) and Dan (Danny Hassel) have now started dating and there is no sign of Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund). One day, in the shower, she sees herself at a strange asylum, dressed in a nun's habit with a name-tag saying Amanda Krueger (Beatrice Boepple). She is then attacked by patients at the hospital but wakes up. The next day, Alice is graduating from high school alongside her new friends: Greta (Erika Anderson), an aspiring, albeit reluctant, supermodel; Mark (Joe Seely), a comic book geek; and Yvonne (Kelly Jo Minter), a "candy striper" and swimmer. Alice only confides her nightmare to Dan and he tells her she is in control of her dreams. So far, nothing weird or out of the ordinary. Freddy hasn't popped up yet... but he's coming.

"My name's Alice and I've gotten to survive three movies"

On her way to work, Alice finds herself back at the asylum, where she witnesses Amanda giving birth to a gruesomely deformed Freddy-looking baby. Alright, "what the fuck" meters have gone from zero to eleven pretty damn quick. Amanda tries to collect the baby before it escapes, but it sneaks out of the operating room and Alice follows it into the same church where she had defeated Freddy in Nightmare 4. The baby finds Freddy's remains and quickly grows into an adult, hinting to Alice that he's found the "key" to coming back. Well that's... a stretch. I guess Dracula in the 60s and 70s gothic Hammer films found odd ways to come back. Every single schmuck would mix something with Dracula's blood and he'd come back, so I guess I can buy this. Alarmed, she contacts Dan, who falls asleep en route to see her, and is attacked by Freddy. You should really get enough sleep before you get into an automobile. Freddy electrocutes him, turning him into a frightful creature before veering him into oncoming traffic. Alice sees Dan's body come to life and taunt her before she passes out. Waking in a hospital, she has to take the news of Dan's death and that she is pregnant with his child. In the night, she is visited by a young boy named Jacob (Whit Hertford), but the next day Yvonne tells her there are no children on her floor, nor is there a children's ward. Great, now she's hallucinating on top of pregnant. This can't add up well.

"A Freddy! Can we get a picture?"
"What?" SNAP

Alice tells her friends about Freddy and his lineage, but Yvonne refuses to hear it while Mark and Greta are more supportive. Say what you want about the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, at least characters in the sequels are buying into the previous events. Every single time Jason kills someone in a spree, everyone afterwards forgets about it. At least these sequels acknowledge previous sequels. That afternoon, at a dinner party at home, Greta falls asleep at the table; she snaps at her mother, going on a rant over her controlling nature before Freddy arrives and literally forces Greta to eat herself alive before choking her in front of a laughing audience. In the real world, she falls down dead to the surprise of her mother and guests. Forcing you to eat egregious amounts of food until death? That's a new one. Yvonne and Alice visit Mark, who is grieving Greta's death and a rift forms between them. Mark falls asleep and is nearly killed by Freddy, but Alice saves him at the last minute before seeing Jacob again. Jacob hints that she is his mother. Alice requests that Yvonne gets her an early ultrasound and discovers Freddy is feeding Jacob his victims to make him like himself. Alright, what? What is happening? Freddy is making literally giving Alice's unborn child the souls of all the people he's killing so that Jason will be born and end up like Freddy? Then what? Is he going to just exist in the real world? That would actually limit his powers wouldn't it? What's the point of doing this? Just continue to be Freddy? You don't need a physical form to be spooky.

This Amanda Krueger looks much younger than the one
from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3

Yvonne still believes that Alice is crazy because she's living under a rock. Dan's parents also believe that Alice is delusional and insist that she give them the baby when it is born, which Alice refuses. Don't you just love custody battles in the middle of a dumb slasher movie? Alice and Mark research Krueger and the Nun Amanda. Realizing that Amanda was trying to stop Freddy, they investigate her whereabouts and Alice goes to sleep, hoping to find Amanda at the asylum. While there, Freddy lures her away by threatening Yvonne, who has fallen asleep in a Jacuzzi. What odd places people are choosing to fall asleep in in this movie. Alice rescues her, and Yvonne finally believes her. Mark falls asleep and is pulled into a comic book world, where Freddy slashes him apart. The comic book part was actually pretty interesting enough, but too bad it wasn't a bigger part of the movie.

Ugly baby Freddy. *shudders*

Alice goes to bed in order to find Freddy and save her son. She is led into an M. C. Escher-type maze before she finally draws Freddy out from within herself. Yvonne finds Amanda's remains at the asylum and joins the fight in the dream world, encouraging Jacob to use the power that Freddy had been giving him. Jacob manages to destroy Freddy and his infant form is absorbed by his mother while Alice picks up a baby Jacob. Warning Alice away, Amanda manages to seal Freddy away in time. Several months later, Jacob Daniel Johnson is enjoying a picnic with his mom, grandfather and Yvonne. The familiar song of Freddy's theme can be heard being hummed by children jumping rope. So you know what that means? This shit still ain't over.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child is the weakest entry in the series. Seems like they had a story, but throughout production it just regressed and regressed, got dumber and fucking dumber, and ultimately we ended up with this... movie that feels very, very half-assed. Coming out as the fourth Nightmare on Elm Street movie in five years, at least Robert Englund had a lot to do in the second half of the 1980s. The story makes no sense, is too bizarre, doesn't follow itself on its own logic, and doesn't really add-up with how the climax plays out as opposed to what we're explained int he beginning. Easily the weakest, stupidest A Nightmare on Elm Street movie, but the next entry? It doesn't get very much better....

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan"

"I'm in Times Square and I can already see twelve McDonalds'."

Happy 1989, fellow Halloween freaks. We've reached the end of the 1980's and their two biggest slasher booms. 1989 was much like 1988, where both Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger made entries in the year, and Jason's was before Freddy's as usual. Jason's was a little strange this time around. The producers wanted Jason to take a bite out of the Big Apple, but production & budget cuts forced them to relocate the shoot to Vancouver. Only about a day or two's worth of shooting took place in New York City, since most of New York City is some of the most expensive real-estate in the world. Remember that, Native Americans who sold that island to us for twenty-four dollars. This is Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, the freakin' eighth entry in this franchise about a hockey-mask wearing guy who kills people. This time, Jason's on the prowl in Manhattan. Let's dive right in and see if Part VIII falls flat on its ass or tries to save the franchise from losing its touch with its dwindling fan base.

"Can you gentlemen direct me to Shea Stadium?"

Two graduating high school students are aboard a houseboat on Crystal Lake. Jim (Todd Caldecott) tells his girlfriend Suzy (Tiffany Paulsen) the legend of Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder), before playing a prank on her with a hockey mask and a prop knife. A few problems here right off the bat. First off, Jason Voorhees shouldn't even be a "legend" anymore. Seven damn murder sprees have taken place. He shouldn't even be a myth, a fantasy, or hearsay anymore. Secondly, that's just a really dumb prank. But these movies are full of that stuff. The boat's anchor damages some underwater cables, which shocks Jason's corpse, still hanging there from the end of Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood and revives him. He sneaks on board, takes the mask, and kills Jim with a harpoon gun before impaling Suzy, who tries to hide from him, with a barb.

The next morning, the SS Lazarus is ready to set sail for New York City with a graduating senior class (AKA "Killing Gallery") from Lakeview High School, chaperoned by biology teacher Dr. Charles McCulloch (Peter Mark Richman) and English teacher Colleen Van Deusen (Barbara Bingham). Van Deusen brings McCulloch's niece Rennie (Jensen Daggett) along for the trip despite her aquaphobia, much to his chagrin. Jason sneaks on board and kills rock star-wannabe J.J. (Saffron Henderson) with her guitar before hiding. That night, a young boxer who lost to champion Julius Gaw (V.C. Dupree) is killed when Jason slams a hot sauna rock into his abdomen while Rennie, searching for her pet Border Collie Toby, discovers prom queen Tamara (Sharlene Martin) and Eva (Kelly Hu) doing drugs. McCulloch nearly catches them moments later and Tamara pushes Rennie overboard, suspecting she told on them. She uses video student Wayne (Martin Cummins) to record McCulloch in a compromising situation with her but rejects Wayne's advances afterward. Jason kills Tamara with a shard of broken mirror as she showers. All this time into the movie and we're still not in New York City. I wonder when and how "Jason" will "Take Manhattan"? Is it even in this movie? Is it in the next movie? Am I wasting my time? Well, that's a given, but still.

Mike Tyson trains for his next fight (c. 1989)

Rennie sees visions of a young Jason throughout the ship, but the others ignore the deckhand's warnings. Which is a great way to get yourself killed in these movies. Jason kills Captain Robertson (Warren Munson) and his first mate. Rennie's boyfriend and Captain Robertson's son, Sean (Scott Reeves), discovers them and tells the others before calling for an emergency stop. Eva finds Tamara's body and flees; in that moment she meets Jason, who chases her. Eva enters the disco room and finds all doors locked, where Jason enters and violently strangles her to death before throwing her violently onto the dance floor. The students agree to search for Jason while McCulloch decides that the deckhand is responsible; however, the deckhand is found with a fire axe in his back. Ain't it always the way? Jason tosses student Miles (Gordon Currie) to his death, and Julius is knocked overboard. In the hold of the ship, Wayne comes upon J.J.'s body and is thrown into an electrical box by Jason; his corpse catches fire and causes the ship to sink. With the other students dead, McCulloch, Van Deusen, Rennie, and Sean escape aboard a life raft and discover Toby and Julius are alive and WHEN THE FUCK DOES ANYBODY GET TO NEW YORK FUCKING CITY?! Literally none of this has ANYTHING to do with New York City. The life raft is a good moment, because as a lost audience member feeling LIED TO by the title, it feels like you're getting close.

Candid photo of generic 1980s woman. Or...
I'm sorry, a screen-cap of the movie.

Well I finally get my wish as they somehow row all the way to New York City where Jason stalks them through the streets. Rennie is kidnapped by a pair of junkies, and the group splits up to find help. Julius fights Jason but becomes exhausted after Jason does not go down; he is then decapitated by a single punch from Jason. Seems like an oddball way to kill someone. Can someone who punches a head off even pretend to be dead for so long? Can he be harmed? That doesn't even remotely add up to me, but I'm also nitpicking the science of a Friday the 13th movie, so who's fooling who? Rennie escapes from Jason when he kills the punks that kidnapped her, which is honestly very nice of him. She runs into Sean, and they reunite with the teachers and the police before Jason kills the officer who is helping them. Alright, never mind, he's an asshole. Rennie crashes a police car after a vision of Jason distracts her, which is a stupid way to crash a car. Van Deusen is incinerated in the car when it explodes, and it is revealed that McCulloch is responsible for Rennie's fear of water, having pushed her into the lake as a child. What a... twist? They leave him behind, and Jason drowns him in a barrel of waste.

Is there such a thing as a "Bad Face" Day?

Jason chases Rennie and Sean into the New York Subway. Kind of a dumb place to chase them into. Jason doesn't even need to do anything, he just has to wait for the New York rats to kill them. Sean incapacitates Jason by knocking him onto the electrical third rail. When Jason revives, he chases them through Times Square, where they try to escape through a diner. They flee into the sewers and encounter a sewer worker. He warns them that the sewers will be flooded with toxic waste at midnight before Jason appears and kills him. Why the toxic waste is being flooded into the sewers is fucking beyond me, but whatever. Sean is injured, and Rennie draws Jason off, wounding him with a splash of acidic waste. Jason is forced to take off his mask, horrifying Rennie at his acidic, melting face. She and Sean climb the ladder as Jason staggers to get them. Just as he is about to kill them, the sewers flood and engulf him. Rennie sees a final vision of a child-form of Jason as the waste recedes. The two escape to the street, where they are reunited with Toby, who had run away earlier, and walk off into the city.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is a very weak entry in the series, but nothing that was ever its fault really. It's still entertaining enough, I guess. It was the fault of a moneyless production with bad acting and constant script rewrites that resulted in a movie with lousy script ideas, which included sewers getting washed with toxic waste and a "twist" that didn't really mean anything. The movie prides itself being based solely around the idea of Jason Voorhees walking the streets of Manhattan and it only includes about 25ish minutes of New York City actually being in the movie. The rest is on a party boat. The kills were still pretty gory and interesting... except the whole "punching a guy's head off" thing. Plus, this was the eighth movie in ten years. Audiences just weren't buying into it anymore. Luckily, this would be the last movie for what can be considered an extended period of silence on Jason's part. Between this and Jason's next entry, two Nightmare on Elm Street sequels would come out in theaters. 

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master"

Well, Jason didn't really deliver anything special in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. It was decent, but it wasn't spectacular like The Final Chapter or Part VI. So, now we know the bar is set lower for Freddy, who it turns out... could've succeeded even without the lowered bar. 1988 saw the release of A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, the anticipated follow-up to A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors. Dream Warriors is pretty top-notch in how you make a Freddy movie, so it was going to be tough-as-balls to top. Plus, it had a pretty definitive ending. Freddy's bones were laid to rest and had Holy Water doused on them. How much more "dead" could he get? Well, it doesn't matter, because Freddy's back. Let's pile in and figure out if this one lives up to The Dream Warriors or not. This is A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.

"Take it from Freddy. The supreme pizza here is to die for."
Ba dum tss.

Since the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors, Kristen (played originally by Patricia Arquette, now played by Tuesday Knight), Kincaid (Ken Sagoes), and Joey (Rodney Eastman) have been released from Westin Hills and are back living with their families as normal teenagers. However, Kristen believes Freddy (Robert Englund) is coming back and continues to summon Joey and Kincaid into her dreams. Funny why she would think that, because as I said, the ending to Nightmare 3 was pretty definitive. Like, that was an end-all, be-all ending. The dream brings her to Freddy’s old boiler where she instantly calls her two friends to help her. Kincaid and Joey are upset that she is reverting to her old ways back when they were at Westin Hills. To keep her calm, they take her to the boiler and show her that it is ice cold. Kristen, it turns out, also brought in Kincaid’s dog Jason into the dream for some reason because he jumps out of the boiler biting her, waking all three of them up in their rooms. See? You have to not do that. You bring the dog into the dreams, you're just fucking yourself over. The next day, Kristen meets up with her boyfriend, martial arts enthusiast Rick Johnson (Andras Jones), and their friends: Rick's sister Alice (Lisa Wilcox); Sheila (Toy Newkirk), an asthmatic genius; and Debbie (Brooke Theiss), a tough girl who doesn't like bugs. This will be our "gimmick-friendly kill gallery" for the movie. Kincaid and Joey confront Kristen at school about the dream in the boiler room and tell her to let it go and that their days of fighting in their dreams are over. Kristen is seen as popular and Kincaid and Joey are seen as outcasts which causes a rift between the three of them. Rick doesn’t care for Kincaid or Joey and calls them freaks but Kristen tells him she’s a freak too.

"Hi ya, Kincaid. Does my breath smell like strawberries?"

That night, Kristen stays awake to keep from dreaming, but Kincaid falls asleep and awakens in a junkyard, where Freddy is accidentally resurrected. Thanks Kinkaid, you've doomed your friends. The scene is pretty gnarly, Freddy coming back is purely badass stuff. I love Robert Englund. Kincaid puts up a good fight against Freddy, but Freddy overpowers him. He screams for Kristen but Freddy reaches him and kills him. Meanwhile, Joey is watching MTV and listening to music in his room. He begins falling asleep where he discovers a model is swimming in his waterbed. Freddy then jumps out of the waterbed, attempting to drown Joey. Joey screams for Kristen to help him but Freddy stabs and kills him. At school, Kristen panics when she notices Joey and Kincaid are missing and is knocked out. She is nearly attacked by Freddy when the school nurse wakes her up. Kristen learns Kincaid and Joey were found dead which she feels guilty for staying up the night before. She later tells Rick, Alice, and Alice's crush Dan Jordan (Danny Hassel) about Freddy. She vows revenge on Freddy for killing Kincaid and Joey. Kristen locks, loads and prepares for vengeance... in a metaphoric sense.

The unused footage from The Karate Kid, Part 4

At dinner, Kristen notices her mother Elaine (Brooke Bundy) had slipped her sleeping pills, and she falls asleep. In her dream, Freddy overcomes Kristen's attempts to repel him and forces her back to his home. Being the last of the Elm Street children, Freddy goads Kristen into calling on one of her friends, so that his fun can begin anew. She calls Alice into her dream, totally uninvited, and Freddy throws Kristen into his boiler but before she dies, Kristen gives Alice her dream powers. So just like that, all of the Nightmare on Elm Street 3 characters are dead. But we get us a whole new cast of victims. Seems like kind of a throwaway to me. I liked Kristen. Anywho, waking up and sensing something wrong, Alice takes Rick to Kristen's house, only to see her burning to death in her bedroom. Another pretty gnarly scene. Say what you want about this one but the special effects are top-notch.

After three consecutive Chipotle meals

Later, Alice falls asleep during class and inadvertently brings Sheila into her dream. People need to stop bringing people into their dreams to fight for their lives without, psh I don't know, WARNING someone first. Freddy kills Sheila and makes it look like an asthma attack. Another example of great special effects, watching Freddy literally suck the air out of her like a balloon. Rick starts to believe Alice, but the following day, he has a dream and is killed. With each death, Alice begins to change, gaining the abilities and personalities of her lost friends. Kind of like Kirby in Super Smash Bros and absorbing the other fighters' powers. She plans with Debbie and Dan to fight and kill Freddy together, but when her father Dennis keeps her in, Alice falls asleep. Through her, Freddy selects and stalks Debbie, transforming her into a cockroach and crushing her in a roach motel. Using Debbie's temper, Alice tries to ram Freddy but collides with a tree in reality. As Dan is rushed into surgery, Alice returns home and readies herself to join him and face Freddy.

Freddy's about to kill the unused cast of Saved by the Bell

Alice rescues Dan, and the two find themselves in an old church in their dream. Dan's injuries in the dream prompt his surgeons to wake him up, leaving Alice alone to face Freddy. He has the upper hand due to his experience, but she uses her friends' dream powers against him. When he is about to be victorious, she remembers a nursery rhyme called "The Dream Master" and forces Freddy to face his own reflection, causing the souls within him to revolt. The strain tears Freddy apart, releasing all of Alice's friends' spirits and leaving him a hollow husk. A truly phenomenal use of more special effects. You can tell this isn't really just a dumb sequel. They put some time and effort into this. Months later, Dan and Alice have begun dating, and as they approach a fountain, Dan tosses a coin in. For a moment, Alice sees Freddy's reflection in the water, but she ignores it. Dan asks her what she wished for, but Alice does not tell him as they walk away from the fountain.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is a very worthy follow-up to The Dream Warriors. So far, Freddy's had better luck in terms of quality. While some of the acting can be a bit of that typical 80's cheesy overacting, the special effects are top-notch, the story is at least competent-sounding and the deaths are pretty creative. It's one edge Freddy has over Jason. Freddy can manipulate people's dreams into using their gimmicks to fight him. Friday the 13th character gimmicks don't really mean anything except for maybe how they behave. I'll give you a hint... they behave poorly. This was even the first A Nightmare on Elm Street movie that gave Freddy himself, Robert Englund, top billing over his co-stars. Everyone knows he's the man. Give this one a go. After Nightmare 4, 1988 would switch to 1989, the final year of the 80s and both man's entries in 1989 would be... pretty tame, lame and such a shame.

HALLOWEEN 2K18 BONUS: A Review of "Halloween" (2018)

"I'm here to show the Happy Death Day freaks how horror is done."

If you know me, and odds are reading this you do (otherwise you'd just be some stranger reading my words... and probably bored out of your mind... or high, one of the two), you'll know I'm a huge Halloween nerd. The first Halloween from 1978 is still my favorite horror movie, hands down. It's not even scary, but the way it's written as something that could actually happen in a small, midwestern town still inspires at least an itty-bitty shred of fear. The sequels are hit or miss, the remakes are iffy... hell I ranked all ten original movies in this blog in 2016, you should check 'em out. So when we heard that we were getting a sequel starring Jamie Lee Curtis while being executive produced and scored by the original mastermind himself John Carpenter, we shit our pants in delight. I don't know how that's possible... but I digress. Halloween, which follows Halloween chronologically (it's confusing, I get it) treats the other sequels like they didn't happen, so it's a new telling of what happened after Halloween (1978). Let's dive in and see if it's any good.

Sheriff Hawkins and Michael Myers ensures that
Rob Zombie didn't sneak onto the set.

Forty years after the 1978 Haddonfield murders, true-crime podcasters Aaron Korey (Jefferson Hall) and Dana Haines (Rhian Rees) travel to Smith's Grove-Warren County Sanitarium to interview Michael Myers (James Jude Courtney) who was captured after Dr. Samuel Loomis (Donald Pleasence) shot him off of the Doyle house balcony. Dr. Ranbir Sartain (Haluk Bilgner), who has been treating Michael since Loomis' death, informs them that Michael is able to speak but chooses not to. Do we mean the alternate ending to Rob Zombie's shithouse Halloween II from 2009? No. Shut up. That didn't happen. Aaron fails to get Michael to speak, even after mentioning Laurie Strode and waving his mask in front of his face like a guy using a dog treat to get a dog to bark.
Getting a mute killer to talk is tough, so Aaron and Dana go to interview Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis), who has spent the last forty years dealing with post-traumatic stress and preparing for Michael's inevitable return. Her feelings have resulted in two failed marriages and losing custody of her daughter Karen (Judy Greer), who goes on to have her own daughter, Allyson (Andi Matichak). Aaron and Dana tell Laurie their interest in finding out why Michael committed the murders and ask her to meet with him in a final attempt to get him to speak before he is transferred to a maximum security prison, but Laurie declines. Rightfully so, too. This is a bit of a "why?" moment for me. Michael killed five people on one murder spree. Remember, the other sequels didn't exist... so why does Laurie act like they do? She's acting like Michael's killing sprees in 4, 5, and Curse happened too, which explains her preparedness. Do you know of anybody who's had a serial killer coming after them, only for them to be captured and sent away for forty years, and still be like "he's coming for me. I know he is." Seemed to far-fetched for me.

"Wasn't Michael Myers her brother?"
"No, we're retconning Halloween II."

Anywho, the inevitable lightning strikes as the bus transporting the patients crashes, and the inmates scatter, allowing Michael to escape. The following morning, on Halloween, Michael kills Aaron and Dana and recovers his mask, which was in their possession, before returning to Haddonfield. The hilarious part is that he just willy-nilly puts his mask on in the middle of the gas pumps in broad fucking daylight. He just doesn't even care anymore. Laurie learns about the crash and breaks into Karen's house to demonstrate her lack of security, causing an argument with Karen and her husband Ray. Which, you know, is a normal thing to do.

Hey look, it's that lady that's in everything.

Michael wanders Haddonfield and begins to kill innocent victims. Allyson's friend Vicky (Virginia Gardner) is killed by Michael; Julian (Jibrail Nantambu) a boy whom she was babysitting, flees and calls the police... then we never see him again. Bye Julian, hoped you lived you adorable little fuck. Laurie, patrolling the streets in her truck, hears the dispatch call on her CB radio and hurries to the house, where Sheriff Frank Hawkins (Will Patton) finds Dave and Vicky's bodies. Laurie and Hawkins find Michael; Laurie shoots him, but Michael disappears. Meanwhile, Allyson's friend Oscar (Drew Scheid) is killed by Michael. Allyson is chased before finding refuge in a neighboring home. Laurie, Karen, and Ray (Toby Huss) arrive at Laurie's fortified home. Finding Michael, Hawkins runs him over and gets out of the vehicle to shoot him, despite Dr. Sartain's protests. Dr. Sartain stabs Hawkins in the throat...in probably a major "what the shit" moment... and kills him before taking Michael's mask and putting it on... another major "what the shit" moment... He loads Michael into the vehicle with Allyson and drives to Laurie's house, intent on reuniting them. An old frail man loading an oversized behemoth into the back of a police van. Makes perfect sense. Michael regains consciousness and reclaims his mask, and Allyson informs Dr. Sartain that Michael spoke to her... "you know, like a liar". Michael forces Dr. Sartain out of the vehicle and stomps on his head as Allyson flees. Got a whole Walking Dead vibe out of that kill. Michael kills Ray next and breaks into the house.

A live look-in at Jamie Lee Curtis being offered a role
in another sequel.

Laurie and Michael fight and stab each other, and Allyson witnesses Laurie fall from the balcony. She makes her way into the safe room with Karen, who shoots Michael with a rifle and stuns him. Funny how a gunshot can "stun" someone. Laurie attacks Michael, and Allyson stabs him with his own knife, allowing her and Karen to escape. Laurie flips a switch and metal bars spring into place, barricading the exit and trapping Michael in the safe room as it fills with gas. She lights a flare, setting the room and Michael ablaze. Major throwback to Halloween II, that is the original Halloween II, so it's basically Carpenter being like "Yeah, that's right motherfucker. That kill can work. Try undoing that." Or so I thought, because Laurie, Karen, and Allyson escape as the house is engulfed in flames and hitch a ride in the back of a pickup truck. The three women embrace as they are taken to safety. However, the credits end with the sound of Michael's heavy breathing, leaving his ultimate fate ambiguous... which means GUESS WHAT?! MORE SEQUELS.

In all seriousness, though, Halloween was pretty badass. It felt like a regular, run-of-the-mill Halloween sequel but because of the throwback elements, like the '78 style title sequence and John Carpenter doing the score to the movie, it feels more "at home". You take the nostalgia elements away, and it's just your regular Halloween slasher movie, but with some interesting spins. I get that the movie was sold on the nostalgic backbone, because without, would anyone have cared about a new Halloween movie? I'm glad the original people came back, including Nick Castle, who plays Michael when he's masked. Castle never missed a single beat. From '78 to now, it's like Michael never left. It's so coo to see Michael have that stern walk and that robotic head turn again. Other movies had Michael played by bulky stuntment who could "take bumps" (wrestling term) and flop around like a suffocating trout. Nick Castle plays Michael like he's supposed to be... a robotic-mannered killing machine, soulless and precise. On and ending note, going back to my ranking of the ten original movies, I'd situate this one fourth... still behind Halloween (1978), the original Halloween II and Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. I mean that; Halloween (2018) is pretty sweet, you should check it out.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood"

After Jason retired from killing, he became a lawn care specialist

It's 1988. We're less than two years from the 90s. Hair metal is reigning supreme and Guns N' Roses are just one year into enjoying their time at the top, thanks to Appetite for Destruction. We're a mere two years away from Kurt Cobain and Nirvana ruining party time for everyone, and we're also getting to the point where these 1980s slasher movies are running completely out of steam. Freddy and Jason have been duking it out since 1984, but it's starting to get to be like the thirteenth, fourteenth, even fifteenth round in a prize fight; you got to see what you paid to see, and now you just want to go home. This next one I have for you is no exception. Welcome to Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, a movie that teaches us you don't have to have anything left in the tank creatively to make a movie in your franchise. Let's dive into this anus and figure out why.

This "teen" dresses and looks like she's 40.

While the undead and decomposing Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) remains chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake since the events of Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI, young Tina Shepard witnesses her alcoholic father physically abusing her mother. Tina unlocks previously latent telekinetic powers, which results in her father's death at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Remember what I said awhile back about "jumping the shark"? Well, here we are. We've officially made this "science-fiction". But hey, if you don't believe already that a supernatural hockey mask wearing killer can rise from the grave continuously without end and not call it science-fiction, then you need to seek some help weirdo.

Several years later, Tina (Lar Pink Lincoln) who is now a teenager, is still struggling with the guilt surrounding her father's death. I mean, I would too if my own untapped telekinetic abilities iced my dad. Tina's mother, Amanda (Susan Blu) takes her to the same lakeside residence so that her powers can be studied by her psychiatrist. Dr. Christopher Crews (Terry Kiser) begins a series of experiments, and by "experiment" I mean a series of rounds where he just verbally assaults her for hours on end for his twisted amusement, designed to agitate Tina's mental state, forcing her powers to become more pronounced. However, it is revealed that Dr. Crews is really trying to exploit Tina's psychic powers for his own personal gain. Why? I don't know, but it sounds good so the filmmakers went with it. Maybe he wants to fight crime or rob banks. After a particularly upsetting session with Dr. Crews, Tina runs from the cabin and to the dock thinking about her father's death. While thinking about him, she wishes he would come back. Instead, Tina's torment from her psychic powers is increased as the chain around Jason's neck is broken. Jason emerges from the lake, apparently holding his breath all this time, and his reign of terror descends on the area once again. Hallelujah, pass the dip.

"Don't worry, babe. We're only in one of these things."

Next door to the Shepard residence is our killing gallery for Part VII who are throwing a birthday party for their friend Michael (William Butler). The group includes Michael's cousin Nick (Kevin Blair), preppy Russell (Larry Cox) and his girlfriend Sandra (Heidi Kozak), Ben (Craig Thomas) and his girlfriend Kate (Diane Almeida), science fiction writer Eddie (Jeff Bennett), stoner David (Jon Renfield), perky Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan), shy Maddy (Diana Barrows), and snobby socialite Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan). Clearly these guys sound more like Pokemon trainers than actual Jason Voorhees victims, but hey, I have to describe them somehow. The movies give them gimmicks each time they pop up, so I might as well follow suit. Nick, who has arrived just for the party, becomes attracted to Tina, much to Melissa's chagrin. Melissa attempts to break up Nick and Tina, even going as far by kissing Eddie to make Nick jealous, but her schemes are to no avail. Wait... I must've popped in an episode of Dawson's Creek by accident, because this is some CW shit. Tina tells Nick about Jason and has a vision of Jason murdering Michael. Meanwhile, Jason kills Michael in real life, along with Michael's girlfriend Jane, and later kills another couple camping in the woods.

This chick looks like Courtney Love if her life
were on track.

While Tina goes off with Nick to find her mother, Jason proceeds to kill the other teens. Russell and Sandra go to the lake for a swim (a common error) While Sandra goes skinny-dipping (another common error), Russell is killed with an axe to his face (a common kill). Sandra discovers his body before she is pulled under the water. Maddy goes looking for David but finds Russell's body. She runs for help, but Jason attacks her in a nearby barn and kills her with a sickle. Jason then kills Ben by crushing his skull and then Kate by driving a party horn into her eye. Okay, that one's creative. Inside the house, Jason stabs David and later slices Eddie in the neck. Upstairs, Robin finds David's body and is thrown out a window to her death. When Jason attacks Dr. Crews, he saves himself by using Amanda as a human shield, the limey bastard, but Jason eventually kills him with a pole chainsaw. Tina finds her mother's body shortly afterwards and uses her powers to electrocute Jason and to crash the house down on him. Nick and Tina try to tell Melissa what happened. Melissa thinks she is crazy and tries to leave the house, but Jason kills her with an axe slammed into her face. So that's... two axe-to-the-face kills. This movie's getting a tad repetitive.

"Zombie dad" who isn't even remotely a zombie.

Nick tries to fight off Jason, but he is quickly subdued. Tina unleashes her powers, which forces Jason's mask to tighten until it breaks in two, revealing his disfigured face. Probably the most iconic point of the movie. As the battle rages on, the Shepard lakeside cabin is destroyed by an explosive fire. In probably the stupidest fucking ending to any of these movies, Tina unknowingly uses her telekinetic abilities and summons the spirit of her father, who emerges from the lake and drags Jason back down with him into the depths of Crystal Lake, chaining the killer once more. I don't even have words to describe that. So is her father undead like Jason is? Is he not and just a hallucination? If so, how did Jason get subdued by a hallucination? Doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever. Pretty stupid ending. The following morning, Tina and Nick are taken away in the ambulance. While someone finds Jason's broken mask in the wreckage, the screen fades to black while Jason's whispers can be heard from far away, signaling that even still... Jason will return once more.

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood is about as cliche as it gets. Tons of it is recycled crap and the same generic dialogue with the same ditzy characters we've seen already. Having been through six previous movies in eight years, it's no wonder why things seem a little stale. None of the characters are even remotely memorable, and I get that; you can't have character development in a movie like this that has like ten or eleven kids it has to kill or else the movie would be like three hours long. While the scene where Jason's mask rips off and exposes his face for a good jump scare is pretty great, even by today's standards, the telekinetic ending was pretty stupid and it only served to put Jason right back to where he was... chained at the bottom of Crystal Lake like the end of Part VI. So pretty much nothing was accomplished. Don't know what we were expecting.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors"

Imagine being on set and accidentally sticking yourself with one of those things.

Don't even get me started at how wild this movie gets. It's easily the best since the original and with good reason. A Nightmare on Elm Street introduced us to Freddy Krueger, child murderer and dream stalker. He was cynical but at least witty. Same with A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge. Freddy was tormenting the children of Springwood and not really being all that goofy. That was about to change. The escalation of Freddy's maniacal comedy one-liners had begun, and this was the movie that kicked his goofy nature into high gear. Welcome to A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors. It's wild, it's fun, it's badass and it's total 1980s slasher mayhem. Let's dig right in.

Patricia Arquette being asked back to Nightmare 4

Sometime after the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Kristen Parker (Patricia Arquette) dreams herself into an abandoned house on Elm Street, where she is chased by serial killer Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund). She wakes up and goes to the bathroom, where she is attacked by Freddy again, who slices her wrist with a straight razor. Believing her to be suicidal, her mother Elaine (Brooke Bundy) has her sent to Westin Hospital, run by Dr. Neil Gordon (Craig Wasson), where she fights against the orderlies who try to sedate her, afraid of falling asleep. She is eventually calmed by intern therapist Nancy Thompson (Heather Langenkamp) who recites part of Freddy's nursery rhyme and earns her trust. I can't even rip on anything here. The story so far has set a pretty steady pace and it's drawing me in. Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find something though.

Both women seem to be in a state of "What the fuck
am I doing here?"

Nancy is introduced to the rest of the patients, and just like the killing gallery of Friday the 13th movies, they all have a specific gimmick, hobby or behavior that is later exploited against them.: Phillip (Bradley Gregg), a habitual sleepwalker; Kincaid (Ken Sagoes), a tough kid from the streets who is prone to violence; Jennifer (Penelope Sudrow), a hopeful television actress; Will (Ira Heiden), who is confined to a wheelchair after a suicide attempt; Taryn  (Jennifer Rubin), a former drug addict; and Joey (Rodney Eastman), who is too traumatized to speak. Later, Kristen is attacked by Freddy again...why he's singling just her out I don't seem to have a clue yet. Only this time, things take a turn for the nurse. Literally! Kristen unwittingly pulls Nancy into her dream with her, allowing them both to escape. Kristen reveals she has had the ability to pull people into her dreams since she was a little girl, which is... an odd ability to have. How would you like to be Elaine and just coming in to tuck your daughter in and kiss her goodnight, then she pulls you into the middle of a fucking World War II reenactment? Hey, girls have dreamed about weirder things. Over the next two nights, Freddy throws Phillip off a roof in what looks like a sleepwalking suicide attempt and kills Jennifer by smashing her head into a television... and yes, this is the scene everyone knows. Freddy's head springs out of the top of the TV and screams "WELCOME TO PRIME TIME, BITCH!" before slamming her head into the screen. Classic every time I see it.

This is one weird publicity photo.
Slightly erotic, even.

In their next group session, Nancy reveals to the remaining patients that they are the last surviving children of the people who banded together and burned Krueger to death many years ago. So now we know why Freddy's targeting Kristen. That still doesn't explain what Freddy was doing attacking Jesse in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Nancy and Neil encourage them to try group hypnosis so that they can experience a shared dream and discover their dream powers. Not like they can just wait for Kristen to fall asleep and then have her pull them all in. Whatever. In the dream, Joey wanders off and is captured by Freddy, leaving him comatose in the real world; Nancy and Neil are relieved of duty. Neil is told by a nun, Sister Mary Helena, that Freddy is the son of a young nun who was accidentally locked in a room with hundreds of mental patients who raped her continually, and that the only way to stop him is to lay his bones to rest. Wow, a dark backstory. He and Nancy go to her father, Donald Thompson (John Saxson, who I guess ran out of money) to discover where the bones are hidden, but he is uncooperative. You'd think after experiencing Krueger once already, Donald would be more inclined to participate. Not so. Nancy rushes back to the hospital after she hears Kristen is going to be sedated, while Neil eventually convinces Donald to help them.

Had to make sure I got the shot of Freddy in his derpiest
face and TV antenna bunny ears. Almost kills the scariness.

Nancy and the others again engage in group hypnosis so they can reunite with Kristen, but are all separated by Freddy. Taryn and Will are killed by Freddy while Kristen, Nancy, and Kincaid find one another. The trio rescue Joey but are unable to defeat Freddy, who has become too powerful because of all the souls he has consumed. So... Freddy's a soul eater now, too. I know he gains power with the more people who believe in him, but now I guess souls have something to do with it too. However, Freddy senses that his remains have been found and possesses his own skeleton in the real world, killing Donald and incapacitating Neil. Congrats, John Saxson. You're officially out of any future sequels. Smart move. Freddy returns to attack the others, but Joey uses his dream power voice to send him away. Donald appears to Nancy to tell her that he is "crossing over", but he is revealed to be Freddy in disguise, who stabs and kills Nancy...an unexpected move to say the least. Also, congrats Heather Langenkamp! You're officially out of any future sequels--well you get the idea. As Freddy is about to kill Kristen, Nancy rises up out of the blue and stabs Freddy with his own glove while Neil awakens and consecrates the bones, finally destroying him. At Nancy's funeral, Neil sees Mary Helena again and tries to follow her; after he loses sight of her he finds a tombstone, revealing her to be Amanda Krueger, Freddy's mother. So... was she a hallucination? A ghost? Were they dreaming the whole time? Who knows! The movie's over.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors is epic and badass 80s cheese. It's the quintessential sequel to A Nightmare on Elm Street, the spiritual successor. So much so that I'm just going to pretend I didn't nearly sedate myself trying to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street 2. Kristen's a fun new lead character, her rag-tag team of loonies make quite a killing gallery, and Robert Englund gives one of his best performances as Freddy. Since this is when A Nightmare on Elm Street movies were going to start getting silly, it's good to really do yourself a favor and enjoy this one.  Freddy really did his best and countered the greatness of Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI. He even countered with a hit metal song of his own. Jason Lives had "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" by Alice Cooper and this one battled back with "Dream Warriors" by Dokken. Both kick-ass songs. Now it was time for both killers to once again return to their corners and come out swinging in 1988... only neither man would really deliver something memorable...

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI"

After Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge served up a double-decker order of slasher movie suckage, we got two back-to-back boss entries in each man's respective franchises. First in 1986, with the entry we're here to talk about today. It's time for Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI. It's wacky, it's cheesy, it's downright ludicrous, but it's surprisingly one of the best of the franchise. With Alice Cooper as our psuedo musical director, supplying three songs for the movie, including "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)", this joyride gets started on an awesome note.

"What did you expect Jason? You killed my mother!"
"No, Tommy. I AM your mother."

After the events of Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews), who killed mass murderer Jason Voorhees (CJ Graham & Dan Bradley), returns to Crystal Lake, now renamed Forest Green. As horror sequels go, renaming a frequently visited serial killer hotspot fixes everything. Tommy, having gone through two facial reconstruction surgeries and still suffering from hallucinations ever since his past encounter with Jason, arrives with his friend Allen Hawes (Ron Palillo), hoping to cremate Jason's body and finally end his hallucinations once and for all. At the cemetery, they exhume Jason's corpse (never a good idea) but seeing it causes Tommy to have an audio flashback to murdering Jason, and he stabs Jason's body with a metal fence post. Why Tommy can't keep it together for two seconds is beyond me. As he turns his back on Jason, two lightning bolts strike the post and revive Jason, who kills Hawes with a punch through the heart and retrieves the hockey mask Tommy brought with him. That was mighty nice of Tommy to supply the killer's mask for the movie. We then find Jason literally mimicking the James Bond gun barrel sequels by walking to the middle of the screen, turning and swiping his machete across the camera. There's literally been so many sequels, the movie is parodying itself. Incredible.

"Don't worry, I'm not in the next movie."
"Hey! Me neither!" *High fives*

Tommy flees to the sheriff's office to warn the police of Jason's return, but he is caught and arrested. Why? I don't know. His warning that Jason has returned goes unheeded by Sheriff Mike Garris (David Kagen). The sheriff, who is aware of Tommy's institutionalization and thinks he is imagining Jason, locks Tommy in a cell. On the road, camp counselors Darren (Tony Goldwyn, you know, the bad guy from Ghost)and Lizabeth (Nancy McGloughlin) get lost looking for the camp. They are both killed by Jason, who impales them both with the metal rod that resurrected him.Thanks for coming Tony. The following morning, Garris' daughter Megan (Jennifer Cooke) and her friends Sissy (Renee Jones), Cort (Tom Fridley), and Paula (Kerry Noonan) arrive to report Darren and Lizabeth missing. Tommy warns them about Jason, but as he is now considered an urban legend, they ignore the warnings, though Megan becomes attracted to him. So yeah, a lot happens in this scene. First, Tommy...a jailed nutcase, is found attractive literally out of the blue. Secondly, the townsfolk, after five mass murders, still consider Jason a myth. Like...still. The writing's get pretty hilariously unoriginal. In the woods, Jason happens upon a corporate paintball game; he kills the players for their equipment. During these kills, Jason discovers that he is far stronger than before when he rips off a man's arm.

"That's right, boys. Who would've thought
paintball was the least-dangerous thing in this movie?"

At Camp Forest Green, the children arrive, and the teens do their best to run the camp without Darren and Lizabeth. Meanwhile, Garris decides to escort Tommy out of his jurisdiction due to his influence on Megan. You know... like strange voodoo influence? Not just because she likes him, but because... oh I don't fucking know. Tommy tries to make a run for Jason's grave but finds that the caretaker had covered it up to deny responsibility for it being dug up, and Hawes' body is buried in its place. Not like they could just re-dig it up and learn the truth, but you know. Tommy is then handcuffed and escorted out of town by Garris, who warns him to never return. That night, Jason murders the caretaker and a nearby couple who witness the murder. Meanwhile, Cort goes out to have sex with a girl named Nikki (Once again, never a good idea), but Jason kills them both (See?). The sheriff's men find the victims' bodies and Garris immediately implicates Tommy in the murders, believing he has gone insane imagining Jason. Or pfft... I don't know. You could assume it's Jason due to the FIVE PREVIOUS MASS MURDERS THAT TOOK PLACE... oh never mind.

Tony Goldwyn says to STOP! (In the name of Ghost)

Tommy contacts Megan and convinces her to help him lure Jason back into Crystal Lake. Meanwhile, Jason makes his way to the camp and kills Sissy and Paula, but refrains from harming the children. Which is... really a first in his career. Meanwhile, Tommy and Megan are pulled over by Garris. Despite Megan's alibi that she was with Tommy, he does not believe him to be innocent and arrests him, and then goes to the camp to investigate. As Tommy and Megan develop a ruse to trick the watching deputy and escape, Jason kills Garris and two other deputies when they arrive at the camp. Jason is about to kill Megan when Tommy calls to him from the lake; apparently remembering his killer, Jason goes after Tommy instead. Tommy is attacked in a boat in the middle of the lake and ties a boulder around Jason's neck to trap him. Jason fights back, holding Tommy underwater long enough to drown him. Megan rushes out to save him but is nearly killed when Jason grabs her leg; she turns the boat's activated motor around onto Jason's neck, and he releases her. She takes Tommy back to shore and uses CPR to revive him. Tommy says that it is finally over and Jason is home. Under the water, anchored to the bottom of the lake, Jason is still alive. The final shot of the film is his eye staring off into the water, waiting patiently for an opportunity to return obtain some "New Blood"... huh? HUH?! See what I did there? Well anyway, moving on.

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI is a fun, albeit absent-minded entry. Obviously a lot of the plot is either hilariously recycled from previous entries or it just doesn't add-up or make sense. The tropes are back, full force. It's like all the stuff in every Friday the 13th movie is a tradition; camp being renamed, kids acting dumb, kids having sex, then Jason showing up and killing eight of the ten main characters in the span of about fifteen minutes. Still, Part VI found a way to still be a blast even though nothing about it was original. It was the last of the "Tommy Jarvis trilogy" and as we would see, Part VII would go down a completely different road... somehow even dumber than what we're used to.