A Review of "Child's Play" (PLUS: Some Updates)

Real talk: Andy was a real trooper for even wanting to be in the same room as that thing.

Gosh. First COVID-19 really messed up the year, and now we have racial tensions and rioting in the streets. If I didn't say any better, I'd say it's about time for the Rapture. Say your prayers and pack your undies; we're all going to Hell. I took the month of May off following "Rockython" and now I'm back. Just like a worn out franchise, I keep coming back for punishment. However, first I'd like to sit here and rattle off some updates about the blog and where it's headin' in the months to come. I'd like to first address some longstanding, still-yet-unfinished series':

• Ranking the Star Wars Movies is still ongoing. It will be finished, don't worry. The holdup is that I haven't had the inclination to really rewatch Episode IX to figure out where precisely it ranks in my personal list in relation to the remaining films. Like Episode VIII, I just cannot sit through that movie.
• The Room, Part 3: This one has been on the shelf for over a year. I started out with a weird structure to the review, stepping through the storylines that go nowhere and some trivia to start us off, but now I just have zero desire to continue reviewing it in that style. I was kicking around the notion of "rebooting" the review and just doing it normally.
• Bat-o-logy: I still have to review the rest of the Batman saga. I figured I'd try and get it in (heh) before the summer ends. We still have Schumacher's two movies and then the Nolan trilogy.
• Halloween 2K20: I have a plan for this year's Octoberganza. More on that as we... you know... approach October. Stay tuned.

Now that the updates are out of the way, I pose this question; what's scarier than HORROR movies in June? No, no; don't look at your phones and read the news. That's cheating. Don't go outside; that's cheating too. No, the only thing scarier than horror movies in June is picking the wrong horror movie and punishing yourself. Now, it had been years since I watched what I'm here to talk about today and while I thought it was at least creepy back then, now I find it reprehensibly laughable. Today, we're here to talk about Child's Play; a movie that teaches us that the hauntingly primitive CGI used for the original Toy Story wasn't as scary as a rubber animatronic ginger kid voiced by Brad Dourif.

"I hope this is a Nintendo. Andy doesn't know this,
but I never learned to read."

So the movie starts out in the only place scarier than Hell; South Side, Chicago. Charles Lee Ray (Brad Dourif) a fugitive and serial killer, is chased through the streets by homicide detective Mike Norris (Chris Sarandon), who shoots him several times. Ray's accomplice, Eddie Caputo (Neil Giuntoli), escapes in a getaway vehicle without him. Ray breaks into a toy shop and, realizing that he is dying, performs a Haitian Voodoo spell to transfer his soul into a Good Guy doll. What's a Good Guy doll? Imagine Tonka Joe, only as a kid... a ginger kid... a frightening caricature of a ginger kid. The store is then struck by lightning and explodes. Mike survives the explosion and re-enters the shop, only to find Charles' dead body and the doll by his side.

The following day, widow Karen Barclay (Catherine Hicks) unknowingly purchases the doll—which now calls itself "Chucky"—from a homeless peddler as a birthday gift for her 6 year-old son Andy Barclay (Alex Vincent). Later that evening, Karen's best friend Maggie (Dina Manoff) babysits Andy while Karen is working late. After Andy’s bedtime, Maggie finds Chucky sitting in front of a television tuned to an evening newscast about Charles Lee Ray. She returns the doll to bed but is then hit in the face with a hammer and falls out a window to her death. This of course raises so many questions about how Chucky can maneuver quickly enough, hoist up a frying pan and knock Maggie out of a window before she even realizes he's there... but I digress. The police arrive and search the apartment and Detective Norris deems Andy a suspect. That's right; this guy has the balls to accuse a little kid of Murder One. I sure hope he knows just how fucked he is trying to get those charges to stick. Before going back to bed, Andy claims to the police and his mother that Chucky killed Maggie, having seen traces of flour on Chucky's shoes, indicating he was in the kitchen.

"Now Andy, don't feed Chucky after midnight or else
you'll get sequels."

The next morning, Chucky orders Andy to skip school and take the Chicago "L" train downtown. This scene made me uncomfortable, watching a young Andy travel on the "L" train alone. Kinda gut wrenching thinking what could happen to him, but it's all okay because while Andy is distracted, Chucky sneaks into Eddie's house and kills him by causing a gas explosion. Andy is once again deemed a suspect and is placed in a psychiatric hospital after again claiming that Chucky is responsible for the murder. Later on, back at her house, Karen picks up the Good Guys box and a pack of batteries drop out. Karen realizes that Chucky has been functioning without them. Unnerved, Karen starts a fire and threatens to burn Chucky, causing him to violently spring to life in her arms. He attacks her before running out of the apartment. Karen chases after him, but Chucky escapes. Karen goes to the police station and explains what happened, but Mike does not believe her. Karen finds the peddler and asks for more information on where he found the doll. As the peddler attempts to sexually assault her, (another true horror taking place in a movie about a killer talking doll) Mike rescues her, and the pair forces the peddler to admit he took the doll from the demolished toy store. Karen again tries to convince Mike that the doll is alive, but he refuses to believe her, insisting that he killed Charles Lee Ray. After driving Karen home, Mike is attacked by Chucky, and in the ensuing fight, Chucky is shot, and his wound inexplicably bleeds and causes pain.

(Pictured): Michael Bolton before he kicked heroin
to start a musical career.

Chucky flees to his former Voodoo instructor John, who informs him that that the longer Chucky stays in the doll, the more human he will become. Chucky demands that John help him reverse the spell, but John refuses. Chucky tortures John into revealing that in order to escape the doll, Chucky must transfer his soul into Andy, the first human he revealed himself to. That's... an oddly specific rule. A little too coincidentally forced that it has to be Andy. But hey, I guess when you write yourself into a corner, you write yourself into a corner. Chucky kills John and escapes. Karen and Mike arrive shortly afterward. Before dying, John tells them that although Chucky is a doll, his heart is fully human at this point and vulnerable to fatal injury. You know, unlike if he were a doll and they could just drop him into a smelting pot in a steel mill or something. Maybe park a car on top of him? Cook him in the microwave or run over him with a lawnmower?

Chucky arrives at the loony bin where Andy is being held. Chucky kills a doctor, and in the process Andy escapes and flees home. Chucky follows him and knocks him unconscious. As Chucky prepares to possess him, Karen and Mike arrive to stop him. Chucky slashes Mike's leg but is then tossed into the fireplace by Karen. Andy drops a lit match in it, burning Chucky. "I thought we were supposed to be friends to the end, right?", to which Andy retorts "This is the end for you!" That shit is worthy of Schwarzenegger. Anywho, Karen and Andy leave the room to help Mike, who by now is contemplating retirement from the force after getting his ass kicked by a fucking doll, but a charred Chucky escapes the fireplace and chases Andy. Karen shoots Chucky several times and he is again presumed to be dead. Mike's partner Jack arrives at the apartment, initially refusing to believe the trio's story. Chucky's body bursts through an air vent to strangle Jack. During the struggle, Mike shoots Chucky in the heart, finally killing him... until the six sequels come out... but that's a different story altogether.

"Alright, before we roll cameras, I just want to ask
one last time. Are we sure there's no kid inside
this thing?"

Contrary to my gripes, Child's Play was a lot of weird fun. Obviously as the sequels would come out, they'd realize what comedic tropes they were and play up the comedy more than the actual horror aspect. I'm surprised these things are still called "horror films". Still, even for being super young, Alex Vincent carried the lead role quite well. Catherine Hicks, that mom from 7th Heaven, did a decent enough job but I felt like she overacted quite a few times. Chris Sarandon was convincing enough as "Your Typical 1980s Police Detective" but watching him get served by a child's plaything was just too hilarious. I wasn't joking; I hope he retires from the force. There's not much else he's going to be able to accomplish after getting heckled by his fellow cops like that. Last but not least, the star of the show who'd go on to voice Chucky all the way to 2017, Brad Dourif, gives a dynamite yet hilarious vocal performance as Chucky, and a visual performance as Charles Lee Ray, Chucky's former persona. I'm glad his voice work was a great as it was, because boy the animatronic puppet they got for Chucky in 1988 sucked dong. Watching that puppet and then springing forward to watch Cult of Chucky and the puppetry there, you can see the huge leap in quality.

If you haven't already, give Child's Play a watch. Just don't be like me and wait until October to actually watch a horror movie.