Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #6 - Star Wars: The Force Awakens

It's isn't like The Last Jedi where it's like you open a Pepsi expecting Pepsi and you end up drinking piss.
This is more like expecting Pepsi and drinking... stale Pepsi from a can that's been out for two days.
It's still Pepsi but... I mean... not really.

Think back to high school again. That's right, I'm using another homework analogy for this. What do you want from me? I don't get paid for this! Now, picture it... that morning rush before first period where a big worksheet was due, and rather than fill it out with all your own answers the night previous, you stayed up all night playing Skyrim and drinking Mountain Dew until you could feel your skin move. Now, you're sitting in the cafeteria twenty minutes before showtime and realize "Hey. That big worksheet? Mine's completely blank!" So what do you do? Well if your answer is "I never had to worry about that because I always did my homework", congratulations nerd; don't you have some surgeries and court cases to be getting to? No, if the answer is the far more realistic "Copy off the smart kid", congrats; you've just figured out how Star Wars: The Force Awakens was produced.

I will admit, though; the cross guard lightsaber
was and still is a cool concept.

I remember where I was when I heard about major events in life; when 9/11 happened, when the United States invaded Iraq, when the Cubs won the World Series... but to a lesser extent, the day in 2012 when the Disney/Lucasfilm buyout was announced and on that same day, Bob Iger stood in front of that camera and announced "Star Wars Episode Seven" to the world, which he said would "be in theaters worldwide in 2015". Well... needless to say, a sequel to Return of the Jedi that wasn't going to be controlled by Lucas? Sign us all up. It didn't even matter that they literally started with a deadline and not a story like a bunch of fucking dummies! Every major production announcement was like another gift; The original trio of Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher were going to be back, it was going to use practical effects over CGI, George Lucas wasn't telling the story, J.J. Abrams was going to direct, it was going to kick start an entire line of Star Wars films, one per year celebrating Star Wars's big return to the cinema screen after ten years... well technically seven, but we don't count that Clone Wars garbage... and it would all start with this one... and we got EVERYTHING we wanted and because we did, I'm demanding that you go see a movie that billions of people around the world are calling "Okay!" This is Star Wars: The Force Awakens, a movie that teaches us that shot-for-shot remakes are still lazier by comparison, but a story-for-story rehash isn't too much higher up the ladder. Let's jump right in.

This must've been their faces when they read the next two.

It has been thirty years since the end of Return of the Jedi, the end of Darth Vader and the Emperor (LOL) and the end of the Galactic Civil War. The First Order (Basically the Empire... but not really... but yeah really) seeks to eliminate the New Republic. The New Republic? You never see it. Don't bother. Well... you see it once before it gets blown to smithereens, but I digress. The Resistance, backed by the Republic and led by General Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher), opposes the First Order. Leia searches for her brother, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who has gone missing. Who is the Resistance? Why does the New Republic need them? Don't they have their own military? I hate to break it to you, but these questions are NEVER answered. I haven't bothered reading the 'extended lore' Disney shoved down our throats about the possible backstory behind it either. If you can't explain it in your movie, don't even bother trying to peak my interest. All-contained stories in movies died a long time ago. Now you have to see the movie, but to get your answers on certain plot points you have to read four comic books, watch one TV show, buy six action figures and collect fifteen different posters; capitalism at its worst.

Pretty sure this scene of them finding Luke is just like
how they found Mark Hamill to ask him to be in the movie.

Anywho, way off topic here; The movie opens on the desert planet Jakku, Resistance pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) receives a map to Luke's location from Lor San Tekka (Max Von Sydow), and yes, they never say his name. You either have to read a book or wait for the end credits. Stormtroopers commanded by Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) raid the village and capture Poe, while Kylo kills San Tekka. Poe's droid, BB-8, escapes with the map and encounters a scavenger named Rey (Daisy Ridley). Kylo tortures Poe using the Force and learns of BB-8. Stormtrooper FN-2187 (John Boyega), disillusioned by the First Order, frees Poe, and they escape in a stolen TIE fighter. Upon learning that FN-2187 has no other name, Poe gives him the name "Finn". Catchy, I like it I guess. As they head to Jakku to retrieve BB-8, they are shot down by a First Order Star Destroyer and crash-land. Finn survives and assumes that Poe died in the crash. He encounters Rey and BB-8, but the First Order tracks them and launches an airstrike. In actually a pretty cool scene, Rey, Finn, and BB-8 escape the airstrike and steal the Millennium Falcon and escape the planet. The Falcon is discovered and boarded by Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew). Gangs seeking to settle debts with Han attack, but the group escape in the Falcon. At the First Order's Starkiller Base, a planet converted into a superweapon (what kind of superweapon? Oh well just one that can destroy entire planets is all), Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis) allows General Hux (Domnhall Gleason) to use the weapon for the first time. Snoke questions Kylo's ability to deal with emotions relating to his father, Han Solo, who Kylo states means nothing to him. We all know that's a lie; you can just already tell he's going to flip back to the good side.

Harrison Ford's plan to succeed in this movie.
1) Make 30x more $$ than everyone else 2) Phone it in
3) Profit.

Aboard the Falcon, Han determines that BB-8's map is incomplete. He then explains that Luke attempted to rebuild the Jedi Order but exiled himself when an apprentice turned to the dark side, destroyed the temple, and slaughtered the other apprentices. This begs the question why Luke would even want a map to exist so people can find him if it's "exile", but fuck what do I know? The crew travels to the planet Takodana and meets with cantina owner Maz Kanata (Lupitya N'yongo), who offers assistance getting BB-8 to the Resistance. Rey is drawn by the Force to a secluded vault, where she finds the lightsaber once belonging to Luke and his father, Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen). She experiences disturbing visions and flees into the woods, confused and terrified. Maz gives Finn the lightsaber for safekeeping. Why did Maz have it? Where did she get it? How long has she had it? Just how significant to the trilogy is Maz? Guess what, me bucko; all of these questions are NEVER answered! Except the last one, I can answer that... not very.

...and in the Seventh Film, God created meme and it was
good. (Abrams 12:15)

Anywho, the heroes on TacoTuesday or whatever the planet's called watch as Starkiller Base destroys the New Republic and its fleet. Goodbye, we hardly knew ye. The First Order attacks Takodana in search of BB-8. Han, Chewbacca, and Finn are saved by Resistance X-wing fighters led by Poe, who survived the crash. Where did he go? How did he get off the planet? Why didn't he go back for Poe when he awoke? All these questions are NEVER answered either. I sure hope you like your Star Wars movie you waited ten years for. Half the time I expect Ashton Kutcher to leap onto camera and tell me I got punked.... was that a dated reference? I'm sorry. Speaking of dated references, Leia arrives at Takodana with C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and reunites with Han. Meanwhile, Kylo captures Rey and takes her to Starkiller Base, but she resists his mind-reading attempts. Snoke orders Kylo to bring Rey to him. Discovering she can use the Force, Rey escapes using a Jedi mind trick on a guard. How did she know how to do that? NEVER Answered. You're catching on.

I did like the slower, down-to-Earth duel that couldn't
have doubled for a choreographed dance routine.

At the Resistance base on D'Qar, BB-8 finds R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), who had been inactive since Luke's disappearance. Why? Yep. You get it. As Starkiller Base prepares to fire once more, the Resistance devises a plan to destroy it by attacking its thermal oscillator. Using the Falcon, Han, Chewbacca, and Finn infiltrate the facility, find Rey, and plant explosives. Han confronts Kylo and implores him to abandon the dark side. Kylo seems to consider this, but ultimately refuses and kills his father... finally acknowledging one of Harrison Ford's contract demands that's been in existence since The Empire Strikes Back. Devastated, Chewbacca shoots Kylo once... why he doesn't keep shooting is beyond me... and sets off the explosives, allowing Poe to attack and destroy the base's thermal oscillator.

The injured Kylo pursues Finn and Rey into the woods. How he got from all the way over the chasm to well out into the woods, basically doing a giant circle around Finn and Rey and cutting them off, so damn fast is... well, if you don't know by now, start over again. Finn fights Kylo with the lightsaber to protect Rey before Kylo knocks him unconscious. Rey takes the lightsaber and channels the Force to defeat Kylo in a duel; they are then separated by a fissure as the planet's surface begins to splinter. Snoke orders Hux to evacuate and bring Kylo to him to complete his training. Chewbacca rescues Rey and the unconscious Finn, and they escape aboard the Falcon. As the Resistance forces flee, Starkiller Base implodes. On D'Qar, Leia, Rey and Chewbacca mourn Han's death. R2-D2 awakens and reveals the rest of the map, which Rey uses to find the oceanic planet Ahch-To (Gesundheit) in the Falcon. On Ahch-To, Rey finds Luke atop a cliff on a remote island. Without a word, and I mean with zero talking whatsoever, she presents him with his father's lightsaber... and BAM! End credits.

"J.J.! Those are real explosions!" "I am many things,
Daisy, but a George Lucas I'll never be."

Star Wars: The Force Awakens is both a lot and nothing at the same time. It feels like a weird tease of a movie. Just as soon as plot points are getting ready to be revealed, getting ready to be explained; something happens or the characters just flat out don't tell us. It was wanting to set up this new groundbreaking trilogy of Star Wars and while it did, it didn't really count on its two sequels retroactively making it look like a completely clueless dumpster fire of a movie. The giddy fanboy moments are still giddy fanboy moments, but I find myself anticipating them as like milestones throughout the movie more than I feel like just enjoying the movie. Like "Okay, here's Han and Chewie's big reveal... now I just have to make it until the whole 'Luke's lightsaber in the basement' reveal." I still like the movie, but much better in 2015, 2016 and early 2017 when I didn't really know where things were going to go.

The movie is decent, but it relied heavily on copying the 'hero's quest' arc made famous by Star Wars '77 a little too lovingly, resulting in a carbon-copy movie. An unknown farmboy (girl) comes across a droid carrying a macguffin, recruits a wise-old sage and ventures to different locales until eventually locating the good guys and then joining them in their big battle against the battle station that destroys shit. See? A little too lovingly copied. Remember our analogy at the beginning? The smart kid says "You can copy, but you have to change the answers so it doesn't look like it". That's what this movie is. Safe, but uninspired. Action-packed, yet somehow dull. Adventurous in all the same ways... like driving the same road to work every day. To sum up Star Wars: The Force Awakens: Give it a try I say, but don't be fooled by the promises it's going to make and be on the lookout for just how many questions go unanswered.

...all that money invested in a puppet-suit that has seven
seconds of screentime.

Now that we've already done all of the Sequel Trilogy films on the bottom five of the list (oof), it's time to give them an analogy of their own; The Force Awakens is like when your buddy invites you over, promising that new cutting-edge video game you want to play and all the sugary shit you could want to eat/drink during... The Last Jedi is you getting to the house and realizing his game console is twenty years older than you thought and his family is strictly vegan, complete with a fridge full of celery and prune juice... and The Rise of Skywalker is you two coping with his bald-faced lies and just relegating yourselves to sitting up in his room in dead silence talking about the game you could be playing and the stuff you could be eating/drinking. Yep; may not be solid, but it's the one I'm sticking to. Three uninspired carbon-copy movies of adventures that already exist... except you know, not as fun...

Look on the bright side! At least next time we're kicking off the top five, right?