Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #7 - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Ugh. I guess it's now or never.

Have you ever had homework due on a certain date, and you've blown it off and postponed working on it and kept putting it off further and further until it became the absolute last possible time to work on it, so you just threw a bunch of shit into a Word doc and then submitted that as "the best you could do", praying you at least get a C or something so your parents won't yell at you and make you go to summer school to retake the class like the pathetic numb skull you are?

Oh yeah, also. This fooled nobody.

Well that's Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker; a movie that teaches us it is much better to play it safe, be lazy, do nothing inspired, half-ass everything and turn it in to cut your losses rather than actually gambling on the hopes that you know exactly what the fans want for a conclusion. My expectations going into the theater were entirely lukewarm (pun intended). I had no prior feelings I was going to witness something groundbreaking or stunning; I knew they were in deep shit with the unfortunate passing of Carrie Fisher prior to filming and especially when they announced Palpatine was going to be the end-all baddy again. I was one of the few that didn't immediately fire a load into his pants when I heard that news. I just shuddered in utter disbelief, like "oh we're going to really do this, aren't we?" God, this movie could've been so much better, and the fact you watch it and it doesn't even feel like they tried is the saddest part. Forty-two years down the drain, Lucas's entire plan for the series completely shot to hell. Any semblance of a cohesive story got tossed out the window when, in an attempt to just save face and go the easy route, they retconned most of The Last Jedi and just rolled up with a quasi-sequel to The Force Awakens to frisbee at the frontdoor of theaters and drive off with all haste before anyone could drag them out of the cars and beat them senseless. Yawn. So... is it worth really taking apart the final episode in the now-called "Skywalker Saga" that doesn't even feature one single Skywalker kicking ass? No, but I'm going to do it anyway because I am long overdue. Let's get this over with...

"Hey J.J., I thought I chucked this. Want me to chuck
it again?" "Hell no, man. That wasn't even funny the
first time."

Following a threat of revenge by the revived Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid, who was surprisingly okay with shitting all over the end of Return of the Jedi by coming back), Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) obtains a Sith macguffin-or-something, leading him to the uncharted planet Exegol. There, he finds Palpatine, who reveals that he created Snoke as a puppet to control the First Order and lure Kylo to the dark side. Why he went through all that trouble when he himself could've just said "Hey, I'm me; Palpatine. Come to the dark side or something..." is beyond me. Could it be because they had no idea who Snoke was and Rian Johnson just decided to kill him off? Yeah. Palpatine unveils the Final Order—a secret armada of Imperial Star Destroyers—Somehow infeasibly hidden under Exegol's surface and able to be levitated all by Palpatine himself—and tells Kylo to find and kill Rey (Daisy Ridley) who is continuing her Jedi training under Resistance leader Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher's CGI recreation). Meanwhile, Finn (John Boyega) and Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) deliver intelligence from a spy that Palpatine is on Exegol; Rey has learned from Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)'s notes that a Sith macguffin-or-something can lead them there. Rey, Finn, Poe, Chewbacca, BB-8, and C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) depart in the Millennium Falcon to Pasaana, where a clue to one of those macguffin-things is hidden.

"I know now what it's like to be made out of computer
data. I know what Peter Cushing felt... or... processed."

Kylo initiates a Force bond with Rey to discover her location; he travels to Pasaana with his warrior subordinates, the Knights of Ren. Gee, nothing like waiting til the last minute to reveal where they were, who they were. Don't get your hopes up, though; they do literally fuck-all. With the help of the elderly yet suave Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams), Rey and her friends find the clue—a dagger inscribed with Sith text, which C-3PO's programming forbids him from interpreting—and the remains of a Jedi hunter named Ochi and his ship. Why is there a Jedi hunter in a time when the Jedi were extinct? Seems to me like it completely mutes your profession. Sensing that Kylo is once again nearby, Rey goes to confront him. The First Order captures the Falcon, Chewbacca, and the dagger; attempting to save Chewbacca, Rey accidentally destroys a First Order transport with Force lightning. Believing Chewbacca to be dead, the group escapes on Ochi's ship.

They ought to call this trio; the Troupe of Having Nothing
To Do Whatsoever.

The group travels to Kijimi, where a droidsmith extracts the Sith text from C-3PO's memory, revealing coordinates to a macguffin-or-something. Rey senses Chewbacca is alive (Hang on while none of us are shocked), and the group mounts a rescue mission to Kylo's Star Destroyer. Rey recovers the dagger and has visions of Ochi killing her parents with it. Kylo informs her that she is Palpatine's granddaughter (Hang on while all of us picture Palpatine's 120-year-old wrinkly grey ass getting its freak on). The Sith Lord had ordered Ochi to recover Rey as a child, but her parents hid her on Jakku to protect her. General Hux (Domhnall Gleason) saves Poe, Finn, and Chewbacca from execution, revealing himself as the spy. Sure glad he didn't succeed in killing any of the heroes the previous adventures, eh? What a... twist? He permits the group to escape on the Falcon, but is discovered and killed by Allegiant General Pryde (Richard E. Grant, your cheque is in the mail). The group flies the Falcon to the macguffin-or-something's coordinates on a moon in the Endor system. Ah the last saving grace of a movie with no story and nothing to fall back on... just give us nostalgia so we're numb to what we're watching.

"No, no; this is Star Wars. The No Man's Sky movie
auditions are in the next studio over."

Rey retrieves the wayfinder from the remains of the second Death Star, but she is met by Kylo, who has again tracked her down (this script sucks) as he destroys the macguffin-thing and duels her. In a dying act (a perfect example of art imitating life... *ba dum tss*) Leia calls to Kylo through the Force, distracting him as Rey impales him. Sensing Leia's death, Rey heals Kylo (What?) and takes his ship to exile herself on Ahch-To (Still stuck on the Force healing thing). There, Luke's Force spirit appears so that Mark Hamill's family can eat for a few more decades and he encourages Rey to face Palpatine and gives her Leia's lightsaber... which he had even in death, I guess? Rey leaves for Exegol in Luke's X-wing fighter... which had been underwater for probably fifteen or so years, but still somehow flies (Because science?) using the macguffin-thing from Kylo's ship. Meanwhile, Kylo converses with a memory of his father, Han Solo; he throws away his lightsaber and reclaims his identity as Ben Solo. You know, conversing with memories is often the first sign of dementia and/or schizophrenia. Consult your doctor if you too start conversing with your memories. Also, Harrison Ford literally rolled out of bed to film what was probably a $3 million cameo. Anywho, back on track, sensing Leia's death and Ben's return, Palpatine sends one of his superlaser-equipped Star Destroyers to obliterate Kijimi as a show of force. The Resistance, led by Poe and Finn, prepare to attack the Final Order fleet.

"I have been rejuvenated! My thirty-seventh master plan has
finally succeeded... I sure hope it doesn't backfire on me."

Rey transmits her coordinates to R2-D2, allowing the Resistance to follow her to Exegol. There, she confronts Palpatine; he demands that she kill him for his spirit to pass into her. Lando brings reinforcements from across the galaxy to join the battle. Ben overpowers the Knights of Ren (Oh yeah, I forgot they were there) and joins Rey, but Palpatine drains their power to rejuvenate himself. He attacks the Resistance fleet with Force lightning and incapacitates Ben. Weakened, Rey hears the voices of past Jedi, each of whom also probably got some tasty paychecks from their appearances) who lend her their strength. Palpatine attacks her with lightning, but Rey deflects it using Luke and Leia's lightsabers, killing Palpatine and herself. Ben, I guess, uses the Force to revive her at the cost of his own life; Rey kisses Ben before he dies (What?). The Resistance defeats Palpatine's armada (fucking somehow), while people across the galaxy rise up against the First Order. The Resistance returns to their base to celebrate. After the celebration, Rey visits Luke's abandoned childhood home on Tatooine (in one last vain attempt to bring forty-two years full-circle) and buries his and Leia's lightsabers, having built her own. A passerby (probably some woman with dementia who wandered onto the set by accident) asks her name; as the spirits of Luke and Leia watch, she replies, "Rey Skywalker." Oh I get it Disney... Rey takes the last name of Skywalker so that technically you can continue to use your stupid "Skywalker Saga" moniker to refer to all nine episodes in one boxset?

"Hit lightsabers if you're gay!" "What?" *Clash* "Heh."

Well I'm sorry Disney, but that is cheating of the highest order. It was adorable and calculated when Rose took Jack's last name to avoid Cal in Titanic, but this just seems cheap. Just like the whole movie. One rushed school project turned in at the last possible second. The trope of having the heroes go to some planet for a macguffin/person only to be chased off the planet by the First Order happened one too many times. Rey is still fucking boring, Poe and Finn have a Batman & Robin type duality to them but they're basically just the same character who probably became two characters through cellular mitosis. We never got to hear what Finn wanted to tell Rey, either. What was up with that? God, it just feels like we've been robbed. If The Last Jedi would've just stuck to the formulaic way of making a Star Wars film, we wouldn't have had this problem. Maybe we would've had a far more lovable ending to a franchise that had nine episodes with differing themes, storytelling, and practically different universes altogether. Star Wars honestly deserved a pretty euphoric ending, but it is what it is. This is what we got, so take it or leave it. There's hardly any character development, some tropes are reused constantly, too much reliance on macguffins and item quests, shoehorned nostalgia to distract us from the real suckass bits of the movie, and to top it all of; Palpatine? Really?

Lando really be out here wearing the same outfit since
Solo. Come on, man. Get some Kohl's cash together.

Honestly, George should've stuck to his guns and left it at I-VI. Sure, the prequels were garbage at the time, but the sequels have certainly improved them by comparison. George had to be at home with each new sequel release laughing his ass off. Star Wars is the story of the downfall of a longstanding government through one man's corruption and lies, who also caused a fall from grace for a truly heroic man loved by many people, a period of darkness in the galaxy with no peace and oppression on all sides, only for that same corrupted, fallen hero's son to rise up and conquer the man who tore the galaxy apart and redeem the actions of his father and restore democracy and peace to the galaxy. That's it. That's Star Wars. The sequels struggle because there was no more story to tell. No where else to go. Return of the Jedi had the final note, and while the Second Death Star was a shameless rehash in and of itself, it still had a much more euphoric ending for the saga. More on that later.... but since the sequels exist, we have to talk about them and include them. Disney's money whoring Star Wars out has left us with Rogue One and then a bunch of iffy/buttass ones. Look, Rise of Skywalker, to sum it up, is one bland collection of "okayness". It does its job, but very poorly, and Palpatine's "final death" doesn't feel anymore definitive than falling into the Second Death Star's reactor and vaporizing, and it further solidifies the shameless capitalism that was behind making these films, demonstrating the carelessness with cashing in Star Wars's popularity by making a truly derivative, uninspired, lazy trilogy of films and having the balls to claim they continue the story of Star Wars. It's just a rotten, damn shame. Honestly, skip Rise of Skywalker, unless you just really want to know where I'm coming from..........