Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #8 - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier


Oh man. This is where we're getting to grab the shovel and scrape the bottom of the shit-barrel and dig out the contents for all to see. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier comes to us in 1989, a decade after the debacle of that was Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Since then the series saw two great movies and one iffy movie. I'll let you guess which ones are which if you're reading this in order. So, why does Star Trek V suck so much? Well, not only is it hokey, cheesy, ridiculous and every synonym for "ludicrous" in the book, the movie just doesn't feel like your typical Star Trek adventure.

It starts out with a Vulcan on Nimbus III approaching a guy who looks just like Voldemort. I swear to God, it's his doppelganger. The Vulcan dismounts his horse, says the man feels great pain, then offers to let him join him on his quest for "ultimate Star Trek action! Well, back on Nimbus III, the Vulcan who recruited Voldemort, named Sybok, takes over an outpost in "Paradise City" (no copyright intended). This outpost just so happened to be the one selected for a governmental meeting between a human (David Warner), a Klingon (Charles Cooper) and a Romulan (Cynthia Gouw) to discuss diplomatic topics. Sybok's capturing of the diplomats springs Kirk and the others into action as the newly-christened Enterprise-A charges to Nimbus III. The party arrives there and...*Sigh*.
knowledge". About as vague as you could be. Then we find Kirk (William Shatner), Spock (Leonard Nimoy) and Bones (DeForest Kelley) enjoying shore leave. The three of them sit around a campfire reminiscing about being young space adventurers before teaching Spock to sing the lyrics of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Truly captivating

So basically, to sneak into compound, Kirk and the others require a distraction. The distraction they chose is to have Lieutenant Uhura, played by the (at this point middle-age) Nichelle Nichols, to strip down and sing about "the eyes of love". This placates and distracts the gate guards from their post as they start crawling over to her like horny blockheads. Two officers spring up with phaser rifles and stop them, allowing Kirk, Spock and Bones to ride horseback all the way to Paradise City. Spock attempts to locate the prisoners while inside. After Kirk tries to rush him, Spock tells him to "hold his horse" (Goooood God, that line). They later make it into the bar and locate the three diplomats, now under Sybok's control. Sybok reveals he captured the diplomats to lure the Enterprise-A crew in. He means to capture the vessel and use it to travel to the center of the galaxy, where he hopes to pass through the Great Barrier to the planet of Sha-Ka-Ree. There, he believes he will be able to locate God.

*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

So basically, yes. Sybok is looking for God. Not in the sense of "Seeking religious enlightenment" or "Praying for an inner spiritual awakening". No, I mean he means to drive down the galaxy and look for the mailbox that says "God" on it. He's literally trying to physically locate where God is and question why he's been hiding from the Universe this whole time and he believes it's past the Great Barrier at the center of the galaxy on the planet Sha-Ka-Ree. Kirk, Spock and Bones are sent to the brig, but Scotty (James Doohan) busts them out. They use Spock's gravity boots to have a goofy action sequence in the elevator shaft before being captured again. During the scene on the bridge, Sybok uses his powers to bring Bones and Spock to inner and outer emotional pain. After this, the trio agree to allow Sybok to use the Enterprise-A to pass the Great Barrier to Sha-Ka-Ree. On the planet's surface, the trio and Sybok come across a mystical entity in a rock formation who claims to be the Almighty Spirit. Rather than inquiring about their intentions and good will, the entity demands the ship be brought closer so that it can carry him past the Barrier. Kirk ponders why "God needs a starship". The entity attacks both Kirk and Spock, leaving Sybok to sacrifice himself and join with the entity to remove it from existence. Kirk flees as Spock and McCoy are beamed up to the Enterprise-A safely. Kirk, stranded on the surface below, is just about killed by the entity as a Klingon vessel is found to have broken through the unbreakable Great Barrier to find them. I should mention this is the same Klingon vessel that's been hunting them all movie. Why did I just now tell you about this? Well it was so insignificant to the plot just now that it wasn't even worth mentioning. So the diplomats are rescued, Sybok is dead, "God" is destroyed and Kirk gives us some half-assed Disney style explanation that "God maybe isn't out there, maybe he's in our hearts". Goooooood God.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier took a weird turn in terms of storytelling. It was an attempt to cross science with religion and the results are about as clusterfuck-y as you'd expect. On top of that, the executive at Paramount who decided to let William Shatner direct this one should've been fired on the spot. The special effects weren't even all that great. To my knowledge, it was one of the few, if not the only one, whose special effects weren't done by Industrial Light & Magic, the special effects shop founded by guru special effects magi George Lucas. There's too many jokes in the movie, too. It's almost too lighthearted. I get that Star Trek could stand to be much more lighthearted, but even this was pushing it. "Hold your horse, captain". Need I say anything more? Oh yes, the "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" scene...which they actually reprise at the end of the movie. God forbid we didn't get a finish to that story arc. Does Spock learn the song or doesn't he? Just tell me!

Star Trek V is one I can do without. Sybok's a strange villain with a strange power that isn't even given a backstory quality enough to warrant us feeling bad or remorse for him when he dies. We find out he's Spock's half-brother, I guess that's about as close as we're going to get. The whole "God" climax cut much of the special effects cut when Paramount slashed the movie's shooting schedule and effects budget. Ten rock men were going to fight Kirk, making for a much more entertaining finish to the movie, if nothing else. The actors make caricatures out of their legendary characters. Sulu and Chekov are so undermined or have nothing better to do in the entire movie, so either they're comic relief or they're nothing at all. Scotty literally bonks his head on a low hanging pipe and falls backwards like a slapstick routine. It's just plain silly. Skip it.

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