Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #5 - Star Trek Generations

"Whatever you do, Patrick, don't sign a multi-movie deal."

Just as Star Trek: The Next Generation was wrapping up its final season on television, Star Trek took the ideas of nerd porn writers everywhere and did the ultimate crossover. That's right, James T. Kirk (William Shatner) was going to meet and work with Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart). Pretty great what can happen when paychecks are about as girthy as Shatner, am I right? Hey-ho. Thank you, I'll be here all week. When talks of a seventh Star Trek film came about, I'm sure many of the original cast members, very tired and worn out from playing these characters for more than twenty-five years, decided to flip the middle finger, give Star Trek a good ol' fashioned "Live long and suck it" taunt and flee the studio lot before a contract could even be drafted. So now, it was time to make Trek movies out of The Next Generation cast, and the first entry in their series, Star Trek Generations, isn't half bad. Kind of a misstep, but let's dive in and figure out why.

What do you think of Klingonese breasts?

In the year 2293, retired Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner), Montgomery "Scotty" Scott (James "Jesus Christ I'm still here" Doohan), and Pavel Chekov (Walter "I really needed the money" Koenig) attend the maiden voyage of the Federation starship USS Enterprise-B, under the command of the unseasoned Captain John Harriman (Alan Ruck). You might remember John Harriman from his days of bouncing around Chicago with his faithful chum Ferris Bueller, before agreeing to join Starfleet. During the voyage, Enterprise-B, having left Earth Spacedock without being fully equipped since it was merely a shakedown cruise and plot requires that they be ill-equipped, is pressed into a rescue mission to save two El-Aurian ships from a strange energy ribbon. As you probably have guessed by this point, the Enterprise-B is the only ship in range. Literally no other ships carrying Federation markings are within even a reputable space distance to come help out. How fitting. Enterprise-B is able to save some of the refugees before their ships are destroyed, but it becomes trapped in the ribbon itself. Kirk goes to deflector control to allow setup some whosits and fire the whatsits, allowing Enterprise-B to escape, but the trailing end of the ribbon rakes across Enterprise-B's hull, exposing the section Kirk is in to space; he is presumed dead by all those on board. James Doohan tried really hard in this scene not to smile at the thought of Shatner being dead.

Seventy-eight years later, we change channels to Star Trek: The Next Generation where the crew of the USS Enterprise-D celebrate the promotion of Worf (Michael Dorn) to Lieutenant Commander. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) receives a message that his brother and nephew were killed in a fire. You don't find out for some time though, he stares at a message, becomes sad, and disappears for a bit. Since Picard never fathered children of his own, the family line will end with him. I don't see what the big deal is. I'm sure the 24th century has some kind of technology that will retroactively assist Picard in fathering children, but I guess that would totally wipe out any emotion necessary for this scene, so fuck it. Enterprise-D receives a distress call--damn, again with the distress call. DON'T TELL ME. They're the only ship in range--from an observatory in orbit of the star Amargosa, where they rescue the El-Aurian Dr. Tolian Soran (Malcolm McDowell), seventy-eight years after the Enterprise-B crew rescued him. The android Data (Brent Spiner) and engineer Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton) discover a compound called trilithium in a hidden room of the observatory. Oh, I almost forgot, Data decided to pull a prank on Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden) and felt bad about it at Worf's promotion party, so he had Geordi insert an emotion chip. That's right, an emotion chip. Basically life in a microchip. You know, some parts of Star Trek technology (Treknology, if you will) really pisses me off.

Gratuitous trailer line #22

Anywho, Soran appears, knocks La Forge unconscious, and launches a trilithium solar probe at Amargosa. He thinks he's tough for knocking out a blind guy. What a quack. Trouble starts a'brewing as the probe causes the star to implode, sending a shock wave toward the observatory. Soran and La Forge are transported away by a Klingon Bird of Prey belonging to the treacherous Duras sisters, who had stolen the trilithium for Soran in exchange for the designs for a trilithium weapon. Data is rescued just before the station is destroyed by the shock wave. Again, with the Klingons. I swear, you don't even meet the Romulans in these movies until Nemesis, the fucking last one you possibly could meet them in. Luckily JJ Abrams made them the focus of the '09 reboot or I'd be pissed.

Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg), the Enterprise-D's bartender, tells Picard more about Soran; they were among the El-Aurians rescued by the Enterprise-B in 2293. Guinan explains that Soran is obsessed with reentering the ribbon, which is a portal to the "Nexus", an extra-dimensional realm where time has no meaning and anyone can experience whatever they desire. Refusing to cave in to what an awesome idea that would be to live forever with the ones you love and have everything you could ever want, Picard and Data do some stargazing in the Enterprise-D and determine that Soran is instead altering the path of the ribbon by destroying stars and that he will attempt to reenter the Nexus on Veridian III by destroying its sun—and, by extension, Veridian IV's quarter-billion inhabitants. 

Brent Spiner showcasing his diversity in the hopes it will
win him future roles.

Upon entering the Veridian system, Enterprise-D makes contact with the Duras sisters' Bird of Prey. Picard offers himself to the sisters in exchange for La Forge, but insists that he be transported to Soran's location first. La Forge is returned to Enterprise-D, but with a small camera implanted in his visor. No one thought to scope him out and make sure he was clean after just having come off an enemy vessel. No wonder they're about to get royally wrecked. This camera causes him to inadvertently reveal Enterprise-D's shield frequency, allowing the Duras sisters to fire weapons directly through the shields and inflict crippling damage. Cmdr William Riker (Jonathan Frakes) deduces with Worf and Data to send some blah-blah to the Bird of Prey's bloomity-blum which will yamina-yadda the shields and give the Enterprise-D the advantage. I don't fucking know, they explained in the movie but it was so jargon'd and jumbled I can't remember. It works though, so who gives a shit? Enterprise-D destroys the Bird of Prey, but since Riker sucks as a commander, it sustained irreversible damage to its warp core. Riker orders an evacuation to the forward saucer section of the ship which separates from the star drive...which I'm not going to lie is a pretty badass scene. The shock wave from the star drive's destruction sends the saucer crashing to the surface of Veridian III, which is just as cool of a scene. They really got this part right.

Picard fails to talk Soran out of his plan and is too late to stop him from launching his missile. The collapse of the Veridian star alters the course of the Nexus ribbon as predicted, and it sweeps Picard and Soran away while the shock wave from the star obliterates everything in the system, including killing the Enterprise-D survivors. If the movie ended there, I would've laughed my ass off, but luckily it didn't. In the Nexus, Picard finds himself surrounded by the family he never had, including a wife and children, but realizes it is an illusion. He is confronted by an "echo" of Guinan, a 'deus ex Guinan-a', if you will. After being told that he may leave whenever he chooses and go wherever and whenever he wishes, Guinan sends him to meet James Kirk, also safe in the Nexus. Though Kirk is at first reluctant to leave, he likewise comes to the eventual realization that nothing in the Nexus is real. Picard convinces Kirk to return to Veridian III, rather than earlier at Amargosa, assuring him that stopping Soran will fulfill his desire to make a difference. Even though there were a million other places that Picard could've gone that would have ensured his success in a much easier way, but I guess I'll let it slide.

"Dammit, Riker. Not again."

The two leave the Nexus, with Picard choosing to have them arrive on Veridian III only minutes before Soran launches the missile. Again, probably Picard's dumbest fucking plan in history. Kirk distracts Soran long enough for Picard to lock the missile in place, causing it to explode on the launchpad and kill Soran, who mugs for the camera like "Yep. I fucked up." Kirk is fatally injured by a fall during the encounter; as he dies, Picard assures him that he made a difference. Picard buries Kirk on a hillside under a bunch of rocks, something that nerds will complain about for years, before a shuttle arrives to transport him to the wreckage of the Enterprise-D saucer, since his time jump in the past undid the Veridian system's destruction of the Enterprise-D and her crew. Three Federation starships enter orbit to retrieve Enterprise's survivors, but the ship itself cannot be salvaged. As Riker laments that he will never sit in the Captain's chair of the ship, which seems like a decent conclusion to come to seeing as how every time he's put in charge, the Enterprise comes under attack and is almost certainly destroyed, Picard muses that given the name's legacy, this won't be the last ship to carry the name Enterprise-D. This doesn't really do much for Riker's confidence, but hey, some kind of ending I guess.

Star Trek Generations is actually pretty good, despite some scenes that drag. It definitely is very cool in the sense of it tells a good story and the characters are all fun and the Picard story arc comes around eventually once he gets swept up into the Nexus, but its downplayed a lot at times. Brent Spiner's overacting with the emotion's chip is okay, but it gets on my nerves in the probe station scene. We get that it's malfunctioning, but lay off, man. Soran's a cool villain, something Malcolm McDowell can play extremely well and Guinan is a welcome presence in the movie. Kirk and Picard teaming together to save the galaxy seems like the ultimate nerd-rotica, but doesn't quite live up to the hype except for how ridiculous some of their dialogue scenes are. Including...making eggs.