Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #9 - Star Trek: Insurrection

Next on our Trek-tacular (trademark) countdown is the second-worst Star Trek movie in my opinion and the absolute worst that's come out of the Next Generation camp. Star Trek: Insurrection is the ninth of the original ten movies and by the late 90s, you couldn't look anywhere without seeing Star Trek. It was in the theaters as well as on TV with not one, but two concurrent hit shows airing, Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. With this one, Star Trek: Insurrection, the storytellers thought about taking a lot of their own ideas, both from early production meetings for this movie as well as ideas for The Next Generation TV series that they had established, and just totally undoing or rewriting everything while also incorporating pseudo-political agendas and nonchalant historical references to major American events that caused great heartache and tragedy.

The movie starts, oddly enough, on an alien planet within what the Federation labels "The Briar Patch". Here, we see the Federation in coordination with a race of alien beings known as the "Son'a". Together with the Son'a, the Federation monitors the village of beings on the planet known as the B'aku. The B'aku are the envy of those involved because their planet has rejuvenation radiation that allows the inhabitants to practically live forever. Their cells regenerate and stay young at well above the ability of an average human's, causing many inhabitants to live for a thousand years. On this installation is our trusty goof-bot, Data. He malfunctions, going apeshit with a hand phaser and exposing the Federation-Son'a installation. When Data's schematics are requested by Admiral Dougherty (Anthony Zerbe), Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) ignores his orders to remain away and investigates the matter himself, moving to capture Data before the Federation can seize him. Working with Admiral Dougherty are members of the Son'a, including one played surprisingly enough by F. Murray Abraham, of all people. You know... Salieri from Amadeus. That guy.

During the crew's visit to the Briar Patch planet of the B'aku, they each begin to experience the rejuvenating effects of the planet's rings. Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton) has his ocular implants removed as his eyes heal themselves, while Commander Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Deanne Troi (Marina Sirtis) rekindle their love relationship. It is during this time that Picard confronts Admiral Dougherty about a cloaked Federation vessel they discover with a holodeck used to recreate the village, and Dougherty confirms that top Federation officials are working with the Son'a regime to forcibly and deceptively remove the B'aku from the planet and relocate them to a different planet, allowing the decrepit Son'a to inhabit their planet and use its rejuvenation abilities to heal their race, but poison the planet in the process. Picard throws a fit and decides to warn the Federation, informing them of Admiral Dougherty's intention to violate the Prime Directive, the Federation's number one law that no one must break. Ever.

So right now you're probably getting quite a "Trail of Tears" vibe, aren't you? Well, if you are, you're not the only one. Which is weird because there's at least two episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation where the whole "forced relocation" of a race of beings was made perfectly fine and even justified to allow the survival of millions of people, so it's a little strange that the Federation, Picard mainly, would disallow this sort of forced relocation. He did it twice already in the original show, so why does not work here? Oh, is it because he's in love with one of the B'aku villagers? Perhaps it is! Way to think with your prick, Picard. No wonder this time around this story doesn't make any sense. On top of that, let's discuss the B'aku. I failed to mention thus far that the reason that the B'aku receive their regenerative abilities from their planet is because they have opted to reject the use of advanced technology in their lives, in order to simply them. As they say "We believe when you create a machine to do the work of a man, you take something away from that man". Even though they have advanced irrigation and farming systems that surely cut down on the amount of manpower needed to operate their farms. So something is amiss there. I think the B'aku are just stuck up, ignorant jackasses that gloat, rant and rave simply because their planet keeps them alive and sustains them while the S'ona, we come to find out, are formerly B'aku villagers that chose to embrace advanced technology in their lives and utilize it on a daily basis. Hence why the planet does not sustain them and their appearance is that of a mummy, with folded skin flaps and surgically reconstructed faces in an attempt to remain and appear young. WOAH! Mind blown. Okay, not really, but you know. On top of all that, the B'aku are shown to have sort of superhuman abilities when the lead woman, Anij is shown to be able to freeze a waterfall and a dandelion blowing away. When Picard asks her how she can do this, she replies "No more questions". See? Guess you don't get to know anyway. Kind ridiculous for a woman who not an hour ago you found out couldn't even fucking swim.

So to assist the B'aku from being abducted and removed by the Son'a and Admiral Dougherty, Picard, Worf, Data and Crusher escort the B'aku villagers away so that the Son'a ship cannot remove them. During this ordeal, which literally even borrows from pictures of the "Trail of Tears" incident in American history in showcasing the forced relocation of the B'aku people (yikes), F. Murray Son'a-ham demands that the crooked Admiral Dougherty allow the Son'a to dispatch to starships to attack and destroy the Enterprise. A short but fierce space battle takes place where Riker eventually does-in the Son'a ships by operating the entire USS Enterprise-E with a fucking joystick from the bridge. I'm not talking a large command console that happens to have a joystick on it, or a joystick with a lot of buttons and technical readouts; NO a fucking two-button'd joystick you're used to seeing used for an Atari 2600. This powers and operates a large Federation space battle cruiser and destroys two S'ona ships.

Eventually, Picard masterminds a ruse to transport F. Murray Abraham and his bridge crew to the secret Federation holoship and shutdown the harvester. Abraham discovers the deception and transports to the radiation harvester ship to manually restart it. Picard comes in hot pursuit and sets the harvester to self-destruct, which kills Abraham just as Picard is rescued by the Enterprise-E. The remaining Son'a are forgiven and welcomed back by the Ba'ku as Picard and the Enterprise crew take a moment to enjoy their rejuvenated selves before returning to their previous mission.

Star Trek: Insurrection tells an interesting enough story, yes, but it feels moreso like an episode of the show that could've ran for two or three parts rather than a feature motion picture. It drags at times, has some conflicting anecdotes that negate things we were taught in The Next Generation, and tackles way too big of a political agenda with the whole "forced relocation of a species of people" thing. The acting can get a little hokey, some of the dialogue doesn't make any sense, character elements are totally baffling when they're compared to the surroundings in which they live, and on top of it all, the whole movie just feels a little recycled. Granted the idea is an interesting one, but not when you have to borrow from the Next Generation TV series. I like the Son'a as villains, the Briar Patch battle is decent if it didn't end with a freakin' joystick, and Anthony Zerbe is pretty great as Admiral Dougherty. There's a lot of holes, it leaves a lot of questions, doesn't explain a whole lot, and negates a lot of pre-established material. Watch it at your own risk.