A Review of "Spider-Man 3"

"Woah, Spider-Man... you're black, now? Cool!" "I have been, you clod! Just check out 'Miles Morales'."
"I was referring to your costume...!"

Happy Friday to all my faithful followers! All thr--two--one.. well whoever happens to stumble across this blog on a web search or just by clicking a link that was valid in 2008 but now a complete security risk to your web browser in 2023.

"Hey! You're Topher Grace!"
"Yes, thank you, I can sign--"
"You're the son of a bitch that paved the way for Randy
on That 70's Show! FUCK YOU!"

Well with Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, two of the greatest superhero movies ever made under our belt, it's time to continue with the Raimi saga. What tale of triumph and success are we about to tout today? What marvelous grand filmmaking are we about to showcase? What compelling, emotionally driven narrative are we going to share and rejoice with you over? Well... Spider-Man 3 is none of those things so definitely that. Yes, Spider-Man 3... fast forward to 2007... came out and I was just as excited with this movie as I ever have been with the previous two. Not only was Sandman going to be the villain, but VENOM... a fan-favorite and one of mine as well... was going to be. This was RIPE for AWESOMENESS. The teaser poster of Eddie getting enveloped by the symbiote was all I needed to suck me in. I was ready for another go-round at the Raimi verse of Spider-Man.

...and what we got was the biggest clusterfuck of storytelling imaginable. It was like six screenplays shuffled into one with important bits and non-important bits cut out, mish-mashed and presented as a movie. There are glaring plot holes, lazy story decisions, and minimalistic use of their main marquee villain attractions that was quite-honestly shoe-horned into the movie. Let's dig into Spider-Man 3, begrudgingly.

"Hey I can't kiss you, my girlfriend Mary Jane is in the
audience!" "But Mary Jane is dating Peter Parker!" "Ope, I
mean... kiss me, blonde lady."

Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) plans to propose to Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), who has made her Broadway musical debut. In Central Park, a meteorite lands near the two, and an extraterrestrial black jelly alien thing... "symbiote" to us comic book nerds... follows Peter to his apartment by attaching to his motorbike. Harry Osborn (James Franco), knowing Peter is Spider-Man, seeks to avenge his father Norman's (Willem Dafoe) death. Using Norman's performance-enhancing gas and Green Goblin technology, he battles Peter to an eventual stalemate, developing partial amnesia. How convenient! Meanwhile, police pursue escaped convict Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church), who visits his wife and sick daughter (Theresa Russell and Perla Haney-Jardine) before fleeing. Falling into an experimental particle accelerator that fuses his body with the surrounding sand, he gains the ability to control and reform his body with sand, becoming Sandman. Does he call himself Sandman? No. Does anybody call him Sandman? I don't remember, a newspaper might? I think the hokey news anchor at the end does.

During a festival honoring Spider-Man for saving Gwen Stacy's (Bryce Dallas Howard) life, Peter kisses her to please the crowd, angering Mary Jane... rightfully so, dumbass move on Peter's part. Marko then robs an armored truck and escapes after defeating Spider-Man. NYPD Captain George Stacy (James Cromwell), Gwen's father, informs Peter and his aunt May (Rosemary Harris) that Marko is uncle Ben's (Cliff Robertson) true killer; the deceased Dennis Carradine (Michael Papajohn) was Marko's accomplice. At the apartment, the symbiote assimilates the Spider-Man suit as Peter sleeps in it while waiting for Marko to come out of hiding. Peter awakens on top of a building, discovering that the symbiote has colored his suit black and enhanced his powers; however, it also brings out aggressive traits of his personality.

"My name is Thomas Haden Church. I'm going to
play Flint Marko like I'm depressed but also
over everyone's shit at the same time. Sound good?"

Peter locates and battles Marko in a subway tunnel. Discovering that water is his weakness, he opens a pipe, releasing water that reduces Marko to mud and washes him away in a sewer. Peter's changed demeanor alienates Mary Jane, who also receives negative reviews from critics. She shares a tender moment with Harry but leaves in regret. Urged by a hallucination of his father, Harry recovers from his amnesia and forces Mary Jane to break up with Peter. Harry later meets up with Peter and tells him that Mary Jane loves him. Under the symbiote's influence, Emo Peter confronts Harry and spitefully says his father never loved him. As Emo Peter leaves after an ensuing fight, Harry throws a pumpkin bomb at him, but the former deflects it back, scorching the latter's face. Wow what a douche... Emo Peter's a douche!

At the Daily Bugle, Emo Peter exposes rival photographer Eddie Brock ("Forman" himself, Topher Grace), whose fake photos incriminate Spider-Man. Publisher J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) fires Brock and promotes Emo Peter to staff photographer. Later, Peter brings Gwen to a jazz club where Mary Jane now works. In an attempt to make her jealous, Emo Peter interrupts Mary Jane's performance and dances with Gwen in front of her. Upon realizing Emo Peter's true intentions, Gwen apologizes to Mary Jane and leaves. After assaulting the bouncers and accidentally hitting Mary Jane, Emo Peter realizes that the symbiote is corrupting him. Retreating to a church's bell tower and discovering that the sounds of clanging metal weaken the creature, Emo Peter rips the symbiote from his body. Brock is at the same church and becomes the symbiote's new host.... thus ending the popular internet meme of "Emo Peter".

"Hey, Spidey! Your face is showing... like your DICK!"
"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, PUNK!"

As Venom... or I'm sorry, I never mentioned that. As "Venom", Brock locates a still-living Marko and convinces him to join forces to kill Spider-Man. Ah, the age-old villains needing to join forces to beat one guy. Brock abducts Mary Jane and holds her captive from a web at a construction site, intending to kill her in revenge for Peter ruining him, while Marko keeps the police at bay. After Harry declines to help Peter, Harry's butler (John Paxton) reveals that Norman's death was not Spider-Man's fault... why he took three movies to say that is beyond me. Pretty sure Harry's budding alcoholism in the last movie could've been thwarted by Bernard having a sit down. While Brock and Marko pin Peter down, Harry arrives to help Peter and save Mary Jane. Brock attempts to impale Peter with Harry's glider, but Harry jumps in and is impaled instead. While remembering the symbiote's weakness, Peter assembles a perimeter of metal pipes to create a sonic attack, weakening it and allowing Peter to separate Brock from the symbiote.

Peter activates a pumpkin bomb and throws it at the host-less symbiote. Having become addicted to its influence, Brock attempts to save the symbiote, and both are vaporized in the blast. Thanks for coming, "Venom". Can I call you Venom? I don't know; you didn't even call you Venom. Marko shows up and explains that Ben's death was an accident that has haunted him and that everything he has done was to help his daughter; Peter forgives Marko, allowing him to escape. Peter and Harry reconcile before the latter dies from his injuries. Sometime after Harry's funeral, Peter visits Mary Jane at the jazz club, where they embrace and share a dance...

...and so ends Spider-Man 3. Quite honestly the one that has lasted the longest in the hearts of millions in terms of nostalgia, simply for the memes. So how does Spider-Man 3, this third entry into the Raimi-verse of "Spider-Man" hold up?

"I have the tasty desire for human flesh but I also
have the tasty desire for whoever I smell that's
SMOKING RIBS."

Well to put it simply, it depends on if you watch the movie ironically versus unironically. If you watch it wanting a true-to-form, action-packed, heartwarming, tear-jerking, emotional rollercoaster superhero thrill-ride like you got with the previous two movies, this movie will not work. If you watch it with a more light-hearted, laidback, no cares, "it be like that sometimes", laughable mood attitude... this movie is at the very least entertaining. To put it in my terms from my point of view; by May 2007 I had two really cool Spider-Man movies in my DVD collection and was so excited for the third one, and this one was the first one that I walked out of the theater not quite as enamored as I was following the previous two movies. Quite frankly, I was disappointed.

I thought even at fourteen that the movie was just plain silly. I didn't get to being annoyed with its actual filmmaking inadequacies until I was older, took film electives in college and understood filmmaking a little better. But at FOURTEEN on the cusp of being angsty and emotional as I ride the broken-minecart-rail ride of puberty, I thought Spider-Man 3 was just silly and cheesy. It almost glass-shattered the illusion of the previous two movies for me right then about how hokey some elements of those were. Obviously now being THIRTY I totally get 1 and 2 were hokey and campy, but back then I thought 3 was the outlier. Tobey's at his Tobey-est with his facial expressions, some of his line deliveries... *sigh* and yes the Emo Peter performance. The dancing, the rawr comb-down he does that basically screams MYSPACE RAZR PHONE MIRROR SELFIE... the asshole-tomfoolery of his persona; just irked me so badly then; now it's at least cringingly entertaining in a meme'ingful way. Kirsten Dunst didn't really have anything to do other than mope around, whine about Peter, and somehow end up being the damsel in distress AGAIN. Dear God just move away from New York, lady.

Some characters I did like were the inclusion of Gwen Stacy, Bryce Dallas Howard I thought was a very honorable and lovable portrayal of her. She just wanted in Peter's pants but when Emo Peter was like "Yo I'm using you to make red jealous" Gwen was like "Beat it, bozo!"... except I don't think we saw Gwen in literally the rest of the movie but eh, c'est la vie. I also liked Sandman, THC (heh didn't realize those were his initials) did a great job portraying the moral dilemma in what Marko was doing and showed him to be a tragic character more than just a straight-up villain, same as Molina's Octavius in the previous film. Both men, unlike Dafoe's Goblin, had epiphanies at the end and realized their own desires and goals were costing them dearly and set about to make things right. I liked that in 2 and 3 is no exception. Same with Harry... as the Hob, or I guess, "New" Goblin. Even if he was a bit of a whiner homewrecker pretty-boy in the movie, still liked seeing him show redemption in the end... BUT IT'S NO SECRET that "Venom" (again they never even call him that in the movie)... got the shaft. Raimi would say in later years and maintains to this day Venom was not going to be in the movie and that he didn't like Venom as a character. Avi Arad, producer of this trilogy, pushed hard for Venom to be included, and it's in this inclusion we see the shoe-horning of the script start to throw the pacing of the story-telling all out of whack.

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't include one of these.

I liked Venom's new look, but I hated his screentime, his character, his performance, and ultimately the casting choice. Forman from That 70's Show doesn't scream "vengeful Eddie Brock" to me. Really Eddie Brock should've been a character they set up in the first movie, which would have made his downfall ten-times more tragic if you ask me. Here it just seems like "I fucked up, and Emo Myspace boy pointed it out, somebody help me" so the symbiote was like "B'ok let's kill the moper" and boom, there's Venom. Or I'm sorry... "Venom".

Spider-Man 3, I hate to say it, is one I can do without. Whenever I do a new watch through of the series, I get to the end of 2 and then have a moral conundrum on whether or not I want to go through with watching 3 or just leave it alone and remember the saga for what it could've been. Stuck with a bloated runtime having to encompass all these characters' and their storylines, the grievous misuse of Venom, recycling Mary Jane's damsel-in-distress schtick, Emo Peter, the Goblin's amnesia arc, the increasingly campy and hokey character portrayals, and an all-in-all "checked out" attitude by director Sam Raimi because of all the issues... Spider-Man 3 is the lackluster nail in the coffin for the Raimiverse, in my opinion.

Well, I'd love to keep going, but it's two days until OCTOBER, and that means Cody's Halloween 2k23 spectacular is upon us! Stay fresh, cheesebags!