A Review of "Spider-Man 3"

"Woah, Spider-Man... you're black, now? Cool!" "I have been, you clod! Just check out 'Miles Morales'."
"I was referring to your costume...!"

Happy Friday to all my faithful followers! All thr--two--one.. well whoever happens to stumble across this blog on a web search or just by clicking a link that was valid in 2008 but now a complete security risk to your web browser in 2023.

"Hey! You're Topher Grace!"
"Yes, thank you, I can sign--"
"You're the son of a bitch that paved the way for Randy
on That 70's Show! FUCK YOU!"

Well with Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, two of the greatest superhero movies ever made under our belt, it's time to continue with the Raimi saga. What tale of triumph and success are we about to tout today? What marvelous grand filmmaking are we about to showcase? What compelling, emotionally driven narrative are we going to share and rejoice with you over? Well... Spider-Man 3 is none of those things so definitely that. Yes, Spider-Man 3... fast forward to 2007... came out and I was just as excited with this movie as I ever have been with the previous two. Not only was Sandman going to be the villain, but VENOM... a fan-favorite and one of mine as well... was going to be. This was RIPE for AWESOMENESS. The teaser poster of Eddie getting enveloped by the symbiote was all I needed to suck me in. I was ready for another go-round at the Raimi verse of Spider-Man.

...and what we got was the biggest clusterfuck of storytelling imaginable. It was like six screenplays shuffled into one with important bits and non-important bits cut out, mish-mashed and presented as a movie. There are glaring plot holes, lazy story decisions, and minimalistic use of their main marquee villain attractions that was quite-honestly shoe-horned into the movie. Let's dig into Spider-Man 3, begrudgingly.

"Hey I can't kiss you, my girlfriend Mary Jane is in the
audience!" "But Mary Jane is dating Peter Parker!" "Ope, I
mean... kiss me, blonde lady."

Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) plans to propose to Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), who has made her Broadway musical debut. In Central Park, a meteorite lands near the two, and an extraterrestrial black jelly alien thing... "symbiote" to us comic book nerds... follows Peter to his apartment by attaching to his motorbike. Harry Osborn (James Franco), knowing Peter is Spider-Man, seeks to avenge his father Norman's (Willem Dafoe) death. Using Norman's performance-enhancing gas and Green Goblin technology, he battles Peter to an eventual stalemate, developing partial amnesia. How convenient! Meanwhile, police pursue escaped convict Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church), who visits his wife and sick daughter (Theresa Russell and Perla Haney-Jardine) before fleeing. Falling into an experimental particle accelerator that fuses his body with the surrounding sand, he gains the ability to control and reform his body with sand, becoming Sandman. Does he call himself Sandman? No. Does anybody call him Sandman? I don't remember, a newspaper might? I think the hokey news anchor at the end does.

During a festival honoring Spider-Man for saving Gwen Stacy's (Bryce Dallas Howard) life, Peter kisses her to please the crowd, angering Mary Jane... rightfully so, dumbass move on Peter's part. Marko then robs an armored truck and escapes after defeating Spider-Man. NYPD Captain George Stacy (James Cromwell), Gwen's father, informs Peter and his aunt May (Rosemary Harris) that Marko is uncle Ben's (Cliff Robertson) true killer; the deceased Dennis Carradine (Michael Papajohn) was Marko's accomplice. At the apartment, the symbiote assimilates the Spider-Man suit as Peter sleeps in it while waiting for Marko to come out of hiding. Peter awakens on top of a building, discovering that the symbiote has colored his suit black and enhanced his powers; however, it also brings out aggressive traits of his personality.

"My name is Thomas Haden Church. I'm going to
play Flint Marko like I'm depressed but also
over everyone's shit at the same time. Sound good?"

Peter locates and battles Marko in a subway tunnel. Discovering that water is his weakness, he opens a pipe, releasing water that reduces Marko to mud and washes him away in a sewer. Peter's changed demeanor alienates Mary Jane, who also receives negative reviews from critics. She shares a tender moment with Harry but leaves in regret. Urged by a hallucination of his father, Harry recovers from his amnesia and forces Mary Jane to break up with Peter. Harry later meets up with Peter and tells him that Mary Jane loves him. Under the symbiote's influence, Emo Peter confronts Harry and spitefully says his father never loved him. As Emo Peter leaves after an ensuing fight, Harry throws a pumpkin bomb at him, but the former deflects it back, scorching the latter's face. Wow what a douche... Emo Peter's a douche!

At the Daily Bugle, Emo Peter exposes rival photographer Eddie Brock ("Forman" himself, Topher Grace), whose fake photos incriminate Spider-Man. Publisher J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) fires Brock and promotes Emo Peter to staff photographer. Later, Peter brings Gwen to a jazz club where Mary Jane now works. In an attempt to make her jealous, Emo Peter interrupts Mary Jane's performance and dances with Gwen in front of her. Upon realizing Emo Peter's true intentions, Gwen apologizes to Mary Jane and leaves. After assaulting the bouncers and accidentally hitting Mary Jane, Emo Peter realizes that the symbiote is corrupting him. Retreating to a church's bell tower and discovering that the sounds of clanging metal weaken the creature, Emo Peter rips the symbiote from his body. Brock is at the same church and becomes the symbiote's new host.... thus ending the popular internet meme of "Emo Peter".

"Hey, Spidey! Your face is showing... like your DICK!"
"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, PUNK!"

As Venom... or I'm sorry, I never mentioned that. As "Venom", Brock locates a still-living Marko and convinces him to join forces to kill Spider-Man. Ah, the age-old villains needing to join forces to beat one guy. Brock abducts Mary Jane and holds her captive from a web at a construction site, intending to kill her in revenge for Peter ruining him, while Marko keeps the police at bay. After Harry declines to help Peter, Harry's butler (John Paxton) reveals that Norman's death was not Spider-Man's fault... why he took three movies to say that is beyond me. Pretty sure Harry's budding alcoholism in the last movie could've been thwarted by Bernard having a sit down. While Brock and Marko pin Peter down, Harry arrives to help Peter and save Mary Jane. Brock attempts to impale Peter with Harry's glider, but Harry jumps in and is impaled instead. While remembering the symbiote's weakness, Peter assembles a perimeter of metal pipes to create a sonic attack, weakening it and allowing Peter to separate Brock from the symbiote.

Peter activates a pumpkin bomb and throws it at the host-less symbiote. Having become addicted to its influence, Brock attempts to save the symbiote, and both are vaporized in the blast. Thanks for coming, "Venom". Can I call you Venom? I don't know; you didn't even call you Venom. Marko shows up and explains that Ben's death was an accident that has haunted him and that everything he has done was to help his daughter; Peter forgives Marko, allowing him to escape. Peter and Harry reconcile before the latter dies from his injuries. Sometime after Harry's funeral, Peter visits Mary Jane at the jazz club, where they embrace and share a dance...

...and so ends Spider-Man 3. Quite honestly the one that has lasted the longest in the hearts of millions in terms of nostalgia, simply for the memes. So how does Spider-Man 3, this third entry into the Raimi-verse of "Spider-Man" hold up?

"I have the tasty desire for human flesh but I also
have the tasty desire for whoever I smell that's
SMOKING RIBS."

Well to put it simply, it depends on if you watch the movie ironically versus unironically. If you watch it wanting a true-to-form, action-packed, heartwarming, tear-jerking, emotional rollercoaster superhero thrill-ride like you got with the previous two movies, this movie will not work. If you watch it with a more light-hearted, laidback, no cares, "it be like that sometimes", laughable mood attitude... this movie is at the very least entertaining. To put it in my terms from my point of view; by May 2007 I had two really cool Spider-Man movies in my DVD collection and was so excited for the third one, and this one was the first one that I walked out of the theater not quite as enamored as I was following the previous two movies. Quite frankly, I was disappointed.

I thought even at fourteen that the movie was just plain silly. I didn't get to being annoyed with its actual filmmaking inadequacies until I was older, took film electives in college and understood filmmaking a little better. But at FOURTEEN on the cusp of being angsty and emotional as I ride the broken-minecart-rail ride of puberty, I thought Spider-Man 3 was just silly and cheesy. It almost glass-shattered the illusion of the previous two movies for me right then about how hokey some elements of those were. Obviously now being THIRTY I totally get 1 and 2 were hokey and campy, but back then I thought 3 was the outlier. Tobey's at his Tobey-est with his facial expressions, some of his line deliveries... *sigh* and yes the Emo Peter performance. The dancing, the rawr comb-down he does that basically screams MYSPACE RAZR PHONE MIRROR SELFIE... the asshole-tomfoolery of his persona; just irked me so badly then; now it's at least cringingly entertaining in a meme'ingful way. Kirsten Dunst didn't really have anything to do other than mope around, whine about Peter, and somehow end up being the damsel in distress AGAIN. Dear God just move away from New York, lady.

Some characters I did like were the inclusion of Gwen Stacy, Bryce Dallas Howard I thought was a very honorable and lovable portrayal of her. She just wanted in Peter's pants but when Emo Peter was like "Yo I'm using you to make red jealous" Gwen was like "Beat it, bozo!"... except I don't think we saw Gwen in literally the rest of the movie but eh, c'est la vie. I also liked Sandman, THC (heh didn't realize those were his initials) did a great job portraying the moral dilemma in what Marko was doing and showed him to be a tragic character more than just a straight-up villain, same as Molina's Octavius in the previous film. Both men, unlike Dafoe's Goblin, had epiphanies at the end and realized their own desires and goals were costing them dearly and set about to make things right. I liked that in 2 and 3 is no exception. Same with Harry... as the Hob, or I guess, "New" Goblin. Even if he was a bit of a whiner homewrecker pretty-boy in the movie, still liked seeing him show redemption in the end... BUT IT'S NO SECRET that "Venom" (again they never even call him that in the movie)... got the shaft. Raimi would say in later years and maintains to this day Venom was not going to be in the movie and that he didn't like Venom as a character. Avi Arad, producer of this trilogy, pushed hard for Venom to be included, and it's in this inclusion we see the shoe-horning of the script start to throw the pacing of the story-telling all out of whack.

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't include one of these.

I liked Venom's new look, but I hated his screentime, his character, his performance, and ultimately the casting choice. Forman from That 70's Show doesn't scream "vengeful Eddie Brock" to me. Really Eddie Brock should've been a character they set up in the first movie, which would have made his downfall ten-times more tragic if you ask me. Here it just seems like "I fucked up, and Emo Myspace boy pointed it out, somebody help me" so the symbiote was like "B'ok let's kill the moper" and boom, there's Venom. Or I'm sorry... "Venom".

Spider-Man 3, I hate to say it, is one I can do without. Whenever I do a new watch through of the series, I get to the end of 2 and then have a moral conundrum on whether or not I want to go through with watching 3 or just leave it alone and remember the saga for what it could've been. Stuck with a bloated runtime having to encompass all these characters' and their storylines, the grievous misuse of Venom, recycling Mary Jane's damsel-in-distress schtick, Emo Peter, the Goblin's amnesia arc, the increasingly campy and hokey character portrayals, and an all-in-all "checked out" attitude by director Sam Raimi because of all the issues... Spider-Man 3 is the lackluster nail in the coffin for the Raimiverse, in my opinion.

Well, I'd love to keep going, but it's two days until OCTOBER, and that means Cody's Halloween 2k23 spectacular is upon us! Stay fresh, cheesebags!

A Review of "Spider-Man 2"

"Hurry Pete! Take down Doctor Octopus!"
"Hey Mary Jane... what building are sitting on top of right now to have a view like this?"

Happy Friday fellow summer-enjoyers, for today FALL is upon us. Autumn leaves, football, hoodies, horror movies; nuts to Christmas, this is the best time of the year. Oh by golly have a scary merry AUTUMN this year! I don't know, I'm a blogger not a songwriter.

"Ok, Pete. Don't think about MJ... don't think about
MJ... don't think about MJ."

Last week we touched upon one of my absolute favorite movies of all time. Sam Raimi's immortal superhero flick Spider-Man. When I saw that in theaters in May of '02, I didn't think it could get any better than that. When I left that theater I wanted to be Spider-Man. That's how much I vibed with that movie, and continue to. I wanted more! I wanted another story! I wanted more stories IN THIS UNIVERSE... well ENOUGH about that movie though, at last. It's time to fast forward in my life to the year 2004. The summer of 2004, and at long last... my dreams and wishes came true. Sam Raimi delivered a second entry in his Spidey saga, this is 2004's Spider-Man 2. Back is Tobey, back is Kirsten, back is James Franco before everyone realized what a creep he is... does this sequel surpass the original? Does it stand tall? Proud? TRIUMPHANT? Well... in the words of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin... OH HELL YEAH. Let's take a look.

Two years after becoming Spider-Man in... well... Spider-Man, Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is estranged from both his love interest Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) and his best friend, Harry Osborn (James Franco), and discovers that his Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) is facing eviction. He finds himself suffering temporary but recurring losses of his powers, often in life-threatening situations. Harry, who is now head of OsCorp's genetic and scientific research division, is sponsoring a fusion power project by nuclear scientist Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina), who befriends and mentors Peter. While handling hazardous materials, Octavius wears a harness of powerful mechanical tentacles with artificial intelligence. During a public demonstration that Peter and Harry attend, a power spike causes the fusion reactor to destabilize. Octavius refuses to shut down the reactor, which goes critical, killing his wife and burning the inhibitor chip blocking the arms from his nervous system. As Spider-Man, Peter manages to shut the experiment down. At a hospital, doctors prepare to surgically remove Octavius' harness. Without the inhibitor chip, and in one of the scariest yet raddest scenes in a superhero movie... and a straight invention of Sam Raimi... the tentacles become sentient and defend themselves by killing the doctors. Afterward, Octavius takes refuge at a harbor. Now corrupted by the arms' A.I., he decides to re-try his experiment and robs a bank to fund it. The Daily Bugle dubs the scientist "Doctor Octopus".

"What is happening to me? My hands don't make
the sticky goop I hang from anymore... oh... oh...
OH GOD AM I LAME AGAIN?!"

Mary Jane becomes engaged to astronaut John Jameson (Daniel Gillies), the son of Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons)... rather quickly I'm alarmed. Peter suffers an emotional breakdown over his inability to balance his life, with the stress stripping him of his powers as a result. He quits being Spider-Man, returns to his normal life, and attempts to reconcile with Mary Jane. He also finally confesses to Aunt May the truth about Uncle Ben's (Cliff Robertson) death. Aunt May forgives him, but the rise in the city's crime rates worries Peter. Meanwhile, requiring the isotope tritium to fuel his reactor, Octavius visits Harry to demand it, threatening to kill him if he does not comply. Harry agrees in exchange for Spider-Man, whom he still believes is responsible for his father Norman's (Willem Dafoe) death. He tells Octavius to seek Peter out, whom Harry believes is friends with Spider-Man, but tells him to not harm Peter. Octavius locates Peter, tells him to find Spider-Man, and captures Mary Jane. Her endangerment leads to Peter's powers returning, and he goes after Octavius.

As they battle, they fall onto a New York City Subway train. Octavius sabotages it and leaves Peter to save the derailing train, which he does at a great physical toll. Octavius captures the now-weakened Peter and delivers him to Harry. Harry prepares to kill Spider-Man, only to be shocked to see Peter under the mask. Something I'm seriously wondering how he didn't see it sooner... Peter convinces Harry to put their conflict aside and direct him to Octavius' lair... yet, I always wondered how Harry knew where Otto's lair was. Kind of a plot hole if you ask me. They battle again as the nuclear reaction starts threatening the city. Peter reveals his identity and persuades Octavius to let his dream go for the greater good. Octavius commands the tentacles to obey him and sacrifices himself to destroy the experiment. Mary Jane sees Peter's true identity, which he says is why they cannot be together.

"Mr. Aziz... do you think maybe you can loan me
that CD that has the Spider-Man 2: The Video Game
pizza theme music?"

Meanwhile, Harry is visited by a vision of his father in a mirror, pleading for Harry to avenge his death, but Harry refuses to hurt Peter. Enraged, Harry shatters the mirror, inadvertently revealing a secret room containing his father's Green Goblin equipment... setting up Harry's run as the new Goblin. On her wedding day, Mary Jane abandons John at the altar and runs to Peter's apartment in her wedding dress. After they kiss, they hear police sirens, and Mary Jane encourages him to go help as Spider-Man... an ending that feels wholesome and complete until the last shot settles in Mary Jane going "What have I done?"... kind of torpedoes the ending if you ask me.

That's Spider-Man 2 in a nutshell. First off, while the first movie resonates more with me in terms of nostalgia and reminding me of that time of my childhood, this one is a superior movie. Like Terminator 2 and Aliens before it, this movie is a rare example where the sequel surpasses the original. Spider-Man 2 is a solid, solid flick. In terms of action, it has a few really great fight scenes. The end battle on the subway train is incredible to behold still. It's triumphant in scale, and a nailbiter in suspense. The battle in the bank is equally impressive... but seeing as how it's the middle of the movie it couldn't match up to the end battle in scale. Still a lot of fun though. 

"...and that's why gummi worms make me sad, I think."
"Peter, I asked how long you've been Spider-Man–"

Where this movie surpasses the original truly is in its story. It tells the perfect Spider-Man story. Peter struggles emotionally and mentally with the stress of balancing his superhero life with his home life. It damages his friendships, his relationships, his work life, his school life; it shows the perfect drama about being Spider-Man at such a young age. It's exactly the backbone of the character that Stan Lee envisioned. I used to watch the two-disc DVD features of the first movie repeatedly, as I mentioned, and there's a documentary on there about the creation of Spider-Man, and Stan Lee always said "One of the first things I wanted Spider-Man to have is a lot of problems". This movie captures that perfectly. Not only that... but on the villain's side of the emotional battle as well.

Alfred Molina's rendition of Doctor Octopus in this movie is perfect, and once again fits into Raimi's universe quite poetically. The other side of the movie's emotional narrative is Doc Ock's failure as a scientist, the loss of his wife, and coming to terms with what he's become by the end of the movie. His ego fuels his drive which fights his reasoning and his love for those around him. It's the cold, harsh reality his tragedy brings him to that he must face or come to terms with. The trauma of loss and failure makes him a super villain, and it's a wonderful representation for "fear of failure" in my opinion. I absolutely love this movie's rendition of Doc Ock, it's perfect. Right up there on the pedestal with Dafoe's Goblin in this cartoony-yet-grounded universe we're in now. I dig it.

"Alright... hand over the Parker boy, and sir, I'll
take your Dunkin' Iced coffee as well... and nobody
gets hurt!"

One thing of note, a small criticism that I personally have, not sure if others share this or not. I enjoyed the first movie's suit more than this one. That one felt more "movie-esque" like the same, but different, you know what I mean? This one is a little too perfect, vibrant, colorful. The blue and red are richer, and the front spider emblem is too commanding. The back emblem took a back-step too, in my opinion. I prefer the first movie's suit to this one.

Another thing I want to briefly touch upon is the tie-in video game that came with it. Like its predecessor, Spider-Man 2 had a definitively awesome video game that released alongside it. It was open-world, sprawling, organically presented; I still love that video game. The only funny thing is it didn't feel like it was supposed to tie in to the movie. It felt like it was going to be its own game before Sam Raimi or Columbia or whoever was responsible came forward and said "No no, stick in my actors and principal characters, we're tying these suckers together." Def recommend the game on a virtual console or old Gamecube if you get a chance.

With Danny Elfman back as the composer, Sam Raimi back as director, and the main principal cast members back as well, Spider-Man 2 perfectly carries forward the narrative set in motion by Spider-Man. A solid one-two punch, and to many, Spider-Man 2 still stands tall as the quintessential Spider-Man movie. Even with all the ones we've gotten afterwards up until now, people still talk about Spider-Man 2. Even more so than Spider-Man. With it's emotional story, it's compelling action scenes, it's monumental leaps in character development, it's perfect continuation and construction of the Raimi-verse... Spider-Man 2 is the masterful second punch in the one-two punch of movie going experience. Recommended wholeheartedly. Go check it out if you haven't.

A Review of "Spider-Man" (2002)

I'll bet if Tobey Maguire tried to contort his body like Todd MacFarlane used to draw Spider-Man's poses he'd rip every
ligament and tendon out of socket in a heartbeat.

Happy Friday! Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. OH BOY! Do I have a treat for us prior to Halloween 2K23! (Details on that coming probably right at the start of October. I'm usually last-minute minded like that).

"Spider-Man! I can't climb down! It's too far!"
"Look lady I would really appreciate if you could because
I currently have the egregious need to SHIT!!"

Back in "the day"... "the day" being "a simpler time when fifteen or twenty superhero movies weren't crapped into movie theaters every year, one daisy-chained to the next and requiring oodles of your time to even comprehend references, much less plot points"... superhero movies were box-office wild cards. They could either succeed! (i.e. Blade, X-Men) or bomb terribly (i.e. The Phantom, Batman & Robin). Sure we have superhero movies that bomb nowadays... but those pesky Marvel neckbeards will explain away flaws and lazy filmmaking with "Martin Scorsese sucks" or something. I don't know, just watch Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and you'll get what I mean.

My point is that back then, believe it or not, special care had to be taken with each entry, and each had to dazzle audiences to even warrant the making of a sequel. Nowadays, a superhero movie has two sequels, an eight-episode TV miniseries, and an event in fucking Fortnite planned and even in-progress before it's even released to theaters. I blame Marvel for all this autofellatio of one's own intellectual properties, but ironically Marvel is also responsible for today's entry. Ranked as my seventeenth favorite movie back in the day here, and one I tout about endlessly when superhero movies get brought up in casual conversation... this is Sam Raimi's post 9/11 happy pill to the American people, 2002's Spider-Man. Starring that nerd from Pleasantville, that chick from Bring It On, the vampire from, well, Shadow of the Vampire, and the brown-haired idiot from everything Seth Rogen's been in... Spider-Man kind of took cinemas by storm. It was a major, MAJOR hit when it came out, almost reaching unexpected levels. People fell in love with heroic story arc, the imagery, the love story, the accurate (mostly) take on the source material... it was quite a cornerstone of pop culture superhero cinema.

... but that was twenty-one (barf) years ago. Does it even hold up with eeeeeverything that has come since? Surely there are some Spider-Man things that have come out since then that it pales in comparison to? Let's do the synopsis, and then I'll give you my own retrospective and honest thoughts, both as a boy in 2002, and as an adult in 2023.

"Now feel the wrath of the Green Goblin!"
"All I feel is the your monumental codpiece slippin' between
the cheeks, man!"

The origin story of Spider-Man is no secret to anyone. In fact it's often meme'd that this is one of the most well-known origin stories because from 2002 to 2023, the Spider-Man film franchise has been rebooted three times. That's an average of a new take on the character every seven years. Never fear; I'll still walk through the synopsis like we don't even know who Spider-Man is, and then we'll continue. The movie opens after a triumphant opening credits sequence... another thing in movies that has gone the way of the Dodo bird... on a school trip, a high school senior named Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) visits a Columbia University genetics laboratory with his friend Harry Osborn (James Franco) and his love interest Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst). There, a genetically engineered "super-spider" bites him, and he falls ill upon returning home. Meanwhile, Harry's father Norman Osborn (Willem Dafoe), a scientist and the founder and owner of OsCorp, tries to secure an important military contract. He experiments on himself with an unstable performance-enhancing chemical and goes insane, killing his assistant Dr. Strom (Ron Perkins) in the process... man what a dick.

The next day, Peter finds he is no longer near-sighted and has developed spider-like abilities: he can shoot webs out of his wrists... yes without web shooters OH THE HORROR... and has quick reflexes, superhuman speed and strength, and a heightened ability to sense danger. Brushing off his Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson)'s advice that "with great power comes great responsibility", Peter considers buying a car to impress Mary Jane. He enters an underground wrestling event to win the money for it and wins his first match against the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE HOOOOO YEAH SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!... but is cheated out of his earnings. After Ben is carjacked and killed moments later, Peter pursues the carjacker, only to find out it was a thief he let escape. He doesn't get a name 'til the third movie, so for now I will call him "Thiefy McStealthings" (Michael Papajohn). Thiefy attempts to flee but dies after falling out a window. R.I.P. Mr. McStealthings. Meanwhile, a crazed Norman interrupts a product test by OsCorp's rival Quest Aerospace and kills several people. The... monumental dick.

"Damn, Aunt May's going to know I'm
Spider-Man when she sees this stain on here.
Who else enjoys McDonalds' tangy BBQ
sauce?!"

Upon graduating high school, Peter begins using his abilities to fight injustice, donning a spandex costume and the masked persona of "Spider-Man". J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons... yes, yes all hail the King), publisher of the Daily Bugle newspaper, hires Peter as a freelance photographer, since he is the only person providing clear images of Spider-Man. You know, quick sidebar: everyone likes to argue that Superman wearing glasses is a lazy disguise that everyone should pick up on... but I'll argue that Peter Parker coming forward as the only photographer that can conveniently take pictures of Spider-Man when nobody knew who he was prior... is an equally lazy disguise. BOOM. This wouldn't be a Spider-Man movie review without some hot takes.

Anywho, upon discovering that OsCorp's board plans to oust him to sell the company to Quest, Norman assassinates them. Jameson dubs the mysterious killer the "Green Goblin." The Goblin offers Peter a place at his side, but he refuses. They fight, and Peter is wounded. At Thanksgiving dinner, Peter's Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) invites Mary Jane, Harry, and Norman. During the dinner, Norman sees the wound he wounded Peter's wound with earlier... try saying that five times fast... and realizes Peter's identity. Thinking the only way to defeat Peter is to attack those special to him, Norman later attacks May, forcing her to be hospitalized. While visiting Aunt May at the hospital, Mary Jane admits her infatuation with Spider-Man, who has rescued her on two occasions. Harry, who is dating Mary Jane, sees her holding Peter's hand and assumes she has feelings for him. That's a... pretty easy deduction to make, Harry. Not going to lie. Devastated, Harry tells his father that Peter loves Mary Jane, unknowingly revealing Spider-Man's biggest weakness.

"You know, I'm something of a captioned screenshot in a
blog, myself."

Norman holds Mary Jane and a Roosevelt Island Tram car full of children hostage alongside the Queensboro Bridge. In the climactic final battle, the Goblin forces Spider-Man to choose whom he wants to save and drops them both. Peter saves both Mary Jane and the tram car. Norman then throws him into a nearby abandoned building and brutally beats him, in a fight scene that is still to this day equally as savage as it is brutal, and something very little Spider-Man media has been able to match. Hail to the Evil Dead man himself, Sam Raimi for not shunning away from the brutality. Peter gains the upper hand, and Norman reveals himself and begs for forgiveness while subtly getting his glider ready to impale Peter from behind... the, the outright EVIL and MALICIOUS DICK. Warned by his spider-sense, Peter dodges the attack, and the glider impales Norman instead... ending his life just after the often-memed utterance of "Oh." Norman tells Peter not to reveal his identity as the Goblin to Harry before dying. Peter takes Norman's body to the Osborn house and is confronted by Harry, who pulls a gun on him, but Peter escapes.

At Norman's funeral, Harry swears vengeance on Spider-Man, whom he falsely holds responsible for his father's death. Mary Jane confesses to Peter that she loves him. Peter, however, feels he must protect her from the unwanted attention of his enemies, so he hides his true feelings and calmly but sadly puts M.J.'s ass in the friend zone. As Peter leaves, he recalls Ben's words and accepts his new responsibility as Spider-Man before a triumphant, movie-ending swing to Danny Elfman's epic score cues up my nine-year-old-ass's demand for Spider-Man 2 right there on the spot.

Do you or a loved one suffer from too many pumpkin bomb
explosives to the face? If so, you could be entitled to a
large cash settlement.

... and that was the first cinematic foray into Spider-Man, Marvel's web-slinging pop-culture icon. Let me just get this out of the way now. I still worship this movie. I know, I know; that was predictable. Like I not only love this movie, I still worship it. I WILL admit though, I must; a lot of it is my unwillingness to surrender one of the happiest times of my childhood. I mean when I say "this movie changed me", I mean that's huge. I can't say that about a lot of movies. Very few actually. Think inwardly; how many movies can you say changed you? When I got out of school on that Friday, May 3rd, 2002, and my dad took me and my brother to see Spider-Man at THEATER NAME in the town of TOWN NAME, STATE NAME... I mean I walked out of that theater a completely different kid. I thought this movie was bad. ass. I fell in love with pretty much everything about it. I loved the cinematography, the action, the design, the story, Kirsten Dunst; I mean I was like "Holy schmoly this movie ROCKS!!!" Before this movie, Spider-Man to me was a fun Nintendo 64 game, a Fox Kids TV show, and a comic book series. AFTER this movie, my life became Spider-Man.

I had the Spider-Man movie storybook, I had the soundtrack that came out in support of the movie with that Chad Kroeger song everybody probably memes nowadays, I got the 2-disc DVD and pretty much memorized every special feature on it, watched every documentary, saw the blooper reels and deleted scenes countless times, watched every facet of every clip of every show on how this movie was made and most of all... I had the Treyarch movie tie-in video game that I played through I can't even begin to count how many times. This movie was and still is a large part of a nostalgia-laden reminiscence into my youth.

"Uh... Kirsten? Kirsten do we... do we need to turn the
heat up in here? Get you a coat or something?"

Usually I end the blog post with my final thoughts, a la Jerry Springer, but I think we can both agree that it goes without saying about what I think about the movie itself, I still think it's badass and I still get a supreme level of joy out of watching it. I'll pop it in once a year just to enjoy the ride start to finish and at the end credits, when "Hero" is playing... I'm ear-to-ear. BUT look I know, this isn't a Cody's nostalgia blog and nostalgia can't protect anything, nor should it... I have to remember this is an honest-to-God movie review blog, so how I must do my job and give an honest critique about how I feel it has been impacted by what's come after it. Does it still hold up? In comparison to more recent Spider-Man media? I would say "yes" HOWEVER... however... because of the time it was made, the effects, the storytelling choices, and the heavy heavy post-9/11 American unity and camaraderie imagery sprinkled throughout (lookin' at you "mess with one of us, mess with all of us" moment on the bridge), I must say it seems a bit... dated. While I, again, worship this movie, I must say it is not without it's flaws. Whether they were there in the beginning and just became more noticeable over time, or just suffers by what later movies did better by comparison; Spider-Man still is a movie, and there is no such thing as a perfect movie.

The movie is campy by today's standards. It's definitely overacted, Willem Dafoe hams the shit out of his screentime as the Goblin persona. I think it's the right amount of Batman '66 mixed with genuine horror, but some people will disagree and I respect that, and can see it. J.K. Simmons is a hammy oaf too, but we all know his performance ended up playing right into what we wanted and needed for the live-action J. Jonah Jameson character. So much so that the MCU didn't even bother re-casting the role, they just made him Jameson again. They knew it wasn't going to be beat. He's up there with Christopher Reeve as Superman and Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man... just spot on superhero casting you're not going to top. There's also the thing that movies back then used to do that movies today don't seem to that is glaring... and that is casting actors in their 30s to play high schoolers. Pretty glaring in the school scenes, when Flash Thompson looks like a guy going on thirty-four beating up on Tobey Maguire who looked fifteen.

I'll bet this is how J.K. Simmons showed up to the audition.
Just leaned in the doorway in full wardrobe like "I'm here to
fuck your shit up".

I also must point out that the story's overall narrative seems just a teeny-bit "simple". Nerd gets bullied, nerd becomes hero, hero saves girl, hero beats up bad guy, movie ends. Again, I still love sitting through it, but yeah, even I notice. Hold up, I think Brendan Fraser summed it up best in The Mummy which we should review sometime: "Rescue the damsel-in-distress, kill the bad guy, save the world". Done and done, and nothing too fancy tossed in there. I admire it for its simplicity which allows it to focus on some of the other aspects such as the romance and the action, but some people, namely stupid kids nowadays will balk at the straightforward "A to B to C" story structure.

Despite me just being fair and calling it like it is, I still must salute and absolutely recommend Spider-Man out of pure love, admiration, and yes, nostalgia. One of my absolute favorite movies of all time. Despite its campiness, it's got some gripping dialogue and nail-biting moments that keep you roped in. Despite being overacted, you can be enamored with Willem Dafoe and J.K. Simmons stealing the show and eating up the screentime every chance you get, and the peril and dazzling rescue moments still stand proud. Despite the simplistic narrative done time and time again, there's enough action, dweeby moments, and even some dark-and-brutal violence tossed in to keep you glued to the screen. Spider-Man to me is a one of a kind movie. It not only is enjoyable in 2023, but it also serves as an excellent remembrance of that time in 2002 when America was unified following terrible terrorist attacks and engaged in a common ideology, common goals... and that heroism in a silly comic book movie made us feel like everything would be alright. From Danny Elfman's whimsical score, that Chad Kroeger song, great costume and set design, the romance, the thrills, and the eeriness in Dafoe... it stands to me still as a solid, top-notch adaptation of the comic book character, and should be remembered as not only a noteworthy movie, but a noteworthy event for years, if not decades, to come.

A Review of "The Flash" (2023)

This is a screen cap from the movie, but it could also very well be Ezra Miller with an angel and a devil on their shoulders,
one telling them to be kind-hearted and give it their all in the role... and the other telling them to go punch that child they
see square in the jaw, yell about the Demogorgon, and run guns blazing into the nearest Chick Fil A.

Happy Friday! We're rolling through the month of September, in the year of our Lord 2023, and I don't know why on Earth I started it like that. We've finished reviewing the movies of James Cameron, we've finished reviewing Planet of the Apes and it's four sequels, it's remake, and it's reboot trilogy, we topped off our tanks touching the rest of the Terminator movies and then ran through all seven Transformers movies this year so far. This is without a doubt been my most structured, most consistent year that I've had on this blog! What's next?

"Wait, why am I here? I thought Superman killed
me." "Mr. Zod--" "That's General Zod to you, SWINE!"

How's about a one-off, and it's a one-off from this year! It was a hotly debated movie in the years leading up to, the day of, and the ensuing weeks after release. Not only for its lead star's off-screen antics, the return of an aging actor in an iconic comic book role that he once made famous (and that I still salute this day), in a cinematic comic book movie universe that was dead before this movie even came out. I'm talking about 2023's The Flash! I watched this movie for the first time in recent weeks streaming on HBO Max... or I'm sorry I guess it's just "Max" now... just to see what all the hubbub is about! I sat down, finally ready to see this showcase for what it is and I have... thoughts. Oh boy do I have thoughts. Let's step through the synopsis first, and then I'll explain!

After helping Batman (Ben Affleck, from previous DCEU films) and Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot, also from previous DCEU films) stop a robbery in Gotham City, Barry Allen (everyone's favorite internet mugshot, Ezra Miller) revisits his childhood home, where he lived with his parents Nora (Maribel Verdú) and Henry (Ron Livingston), before Henry's wrongful imprisonment for Nora's murder. On the day of Nora's death, Henry went to the grocery store to get a can of tomatoes that she forgot to buy, leaving her in the kitchen, and resulting in her death. Overcome by emotions, Barry accidentally uses the Speed Force to travel back in time earlier in the day. Despite Batman's warnings of unintended consequences from time travel, Barry goes back to the day of Nora's death and places the can of tomatoes in her cart at the store, so that his father does not leave the house. Returning to the present, Barry is knocked out of the Speed Force by another, unknown speedster and ends up in an alternate 2013 where Nora is alive. In his home, he encounters his parents, then his past self (basically Ezra Miller if he was immune to getting arrested), and realizes he arrived on the day he originally obtained his powers.

This is what my nightmares look like. Horrifically
rushed CGI.

In order to make sure his past self gains superpowers, the two Barrys go to the Central City Police Department, where Barry re-enacts the event and forces 2013-Barry to position himself to be struck by lightning. Both end up getting struck by the lightning, giving 2013-Barry powers, but causing Barry to lose his own. As Barry struggles to train 2013-Barry on properly using his powers, they learn that General Zod (Michael Shannon) is preparing to invade Earth. In an effort to fight Zod, the Barrys attempt to assemble the Justice League but are unsuccessful; in their timeline, they cannot locate Diana, Victor Stone (Ray Fisher) has not gained his abilities yet, and Arthur Curry (Jason Momoa) was never born. They travel to Wayne Manor, hoping to find Bruce, but instead find an alternate, older variant who has long since retired. This Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton, from the Burtonverse of Batman and Batman Returns) reveals that using time travel to alter history affects events both prior to and after the alteration. They convince Bruce to return as Batman and help them find Kal-El.

Using the Batcomputer, the Barrys, and Batman locate a Kryptonian pod reportedly discovered in Siberia. Upon arrival, they instead find Kal-El's cousin, Kara Zor-El (Sasha Calle), trapped in the facility. After rescuing Kara, Bruce tries to help Barry get his powers back by recreating the original accident. The first two attempts fail, prompting Kara to fly Barry into the storm, where he regains his powers. Kara and Batman join the Barrys to fight Zod and his forces. During the battle, Kara learns that Zod had intercepted Kal-El's escape pod and killed him during a failed attempt to retrieve the Codex needed to repopulate the Kryptonian species. So... so long, Henry Cavill. Thank you for coming. The Codex is actually within Kara and Zod eventually kills her, obtaining it from her blood; meanwhile, Batman sacrifices himself in an unsuccessful attempt to destroy Zod's ship. That's right, the big end for Michael Keaton's epic return to the role of Batman, is a kamikaze move into a flying Kryptonian ship.... yippee. Watching my childhood hero do that was like having a drawing I made my parents twenty years ago get ripped up in an estate sale after they're long gone... *sobs*.

...and this one is probably Ezra's conscience telling
them to go take a leak on that parked cop car.

The Barrys repeatedly travel back through time to try to save them, but fail in every attempt. So not only do I get to watch Michael Keaton crash and burn, I get to watch him get the crap beat out of him and die on every attempt. Barry realizes that this sequence of events cannot be changed, but 2013-Barry keeps trying. As 2013-Barry travels, the multiverse starts to implode. The unknown speedster who originally knocked Barry out of the Speed Force returns and is revealed to be an older, future version of 2013-Barry who still believes he can defeat Zod and save Batman and Kara. Someone who tried over and over again. He becomes angry when Barry reveals his intention to reverse the changes he made to the timeline by letting Nora die. The elder 2013-Barry attempts to kill Barry, but instead impales young 2013-Barry, who sacrifices himself to save Barry and wipe his future self from the timeline.

Barry reverts the timeline and comes to terms with his mother's death; however, he subtly alters the past by moving the tomato cans to a higher shelf. Henry looks up while grabbing it and a security camera sees his face, allowing for his exoneration. After returning to the present, Barry is contacted by Batman, whose appearance has changed once again... into George Clooney as one final punchline and "fuck you" or "fuck yeah" depending on how you look at it... and that's it! That's the end of the movie. I mean there's a post-credit scene, where Barry explains his effects on the timeline to a drunk Arthur Curry, revealing the current timeline to be mostly similar to the original one... then it's done.

That's The Flash, from this year. Oh boy.

"--but then all of a sudden... like a giant fuckin' spider
shows up!"

Look, I can't review this movie as a comic book movie. I have to review it as a movie movie. Let me get that out of the way. I never read Flashpoint or really any Flash comics. I don't know much about the Flash character. I know he's Barry Allen, and I know he's based out of Central City. I'm serious, I never watched the famous CW show that everyone loves, oddly enough called "The Flash" lol. So I want that all on record when I give my opinion of this movie. I watched this movie like many others; to see Michael Keaton come back as Batman. We were psyched to get multiple entries in this saga where Keaton plays Batman, but since Batgirl got scrapped and we'll probably never see it, this is it; this will stand as his big righteous return. That's why I watched this movie, and I knew going into it that I wasn't going to be satisfied. The movie's called The Flash for God's sake, it's not called Michael Keaton stars in "The Flash", so I knew I'd be disappointed at Keaton's performance and role in the movie and not really think much of the rest. Again, I watched The Flash solely because as I've stated in the blog previously, Batman from 1989 is one of my favorite not only comic book movies but movies of all time, and was dying to see Keaton back in the role of Batman again. SURPRISE: I was pretty disappointed... having Keaton's Batman from the Burtonverse Batman movies in The Flash is like digitally inserting your parent's VHS wedding video over your Snapchat footage of that punk rock concert you went to. A nice treat, but it's confusing and misplaced and your parents just seem confused as to why there's music playing. I didn't even like Keaton's tired old Bruce Wayne explaining the Multiverse with spaghetti noodles. Feels like when you have your grandma who still uses a wall-mounted rotary dial phone explain how iOS downloads and installs patches from Apple; just like an unholy marriage between what was and what is. It's like having Thomas Jefferson explain how to merge onto an Interstate safely while using turn signals... like "how the hell would he know? Shut the HELL up".

"What are we doing, Batman?"
"I'm Batmaaaaaaan."
"Dude, what is this Batman's deal?"
"He's Batman, dude."

That all said and being out of the way. I thought the movie was pretty "eh". Ezra Miller actually does a great job double-leading this movie, despite their let's just say "extra curricular activities" in the weeks leading up to its release. I had a couple good laugh-out-loud moments from the movie; my favorite off the top of my head is when 2013-Barry puts on the makeshift Flash mask and looks at modern day Barry and it's all crooked and warped to rip on the '89 Batsuit. I also liked having Michael Shannon back, I enjoy him as an actor thanks to his performance in the miniseries Waco that was about... well, Waco. Lol Other than that? Ehhhhhh. It was serviceable popcorn entertainment enough.

The effects of the movie were God awful. I'm sorry, they were. Absolutely cartoony garbage. They're the showcase of effects that make you wonder if you're watching a live-action movie. The opening sequence catching the falling babies made me feel weird watching it. Like it wasn't funny, it wasn't humorous, it wasn't laugh-out-loud. I didn't give it a chuckle, not a tee-hee... not even a condescending "ha". I don't know why that was the agreed upon main title sequence. AND THEN there were the cameos they shoe-horned into the thing. Goddamn, this movie wanted to be the Avengers so bad. There were some cameos in there in the sequence where time and space is all breaking down you're just like "Why though". Christopher Reeve's Superman? Helen Slater's Supergirl? George Reeves' Superman? Adam West's Batman? Even Nicolas Cage's Superman from the cancelled Tim Burton movie from the 90's Superman Lives? It serves no purpose other than fan-service to shove those guys in there. I wouldn't care except 99% of the CGI looks like total GameCube/PS2 gobbledygook. I mean it looks cheap, rushed, and if it looked like that... why include it?

Aside from the forced resurrection of the dead for the sake of our entertainment... the CGI for all the action sequences, to me, came off roughly similar. Good God, just atrociously comical. Cheap, cartoony, like a freakin' video game.

I never believed for a second that Michael Keaton's
Bruce Wayne would ever let himself go to the point
he looks like freakin' Santa Claus... "ho ho ho, I'm
Batman!"

I haven't even started about what I think of the story and how contrived and repeated the narrative of "dude discovers time-travel and decides to misuse its power to their own detriment and realize the err of their ways by going back and fixing everything" trope is. I'm just so tired of time-travel in movies like these, and that's coming from me where Back to the Future is my favorite movie of all time. This movie's dialogue about time travel wasn't even gripping to me. Everything Batfleck told Barry about the dangers of time travel, I'd heard either in a trailer or a movie five, ten, twenty years prior. Just lazy, Lazy, L A Z Y... and sure enough? What's Barry do? He goes on his escapade anyway. What happens by the end? 2013-Barry failed to understand the basic logic of the butterfly effect and causality loops and now we have our Speed Force villain. That was a least an interesting twist to make 2013-Barry the villain in that environment, but beyond that I was just like... "Eh" to the whole thing.

I can't really say I recommend The Flash. It was just like it's name suggests, a flash in the pan. It was more of a cultural moment than a movie release, and because of that, it was a pretty empty movie. Absurd special effects, ridiculous overacting, convoluted time-travel storyline, shoe-horning in the hodge-podge digital faces of dead people for what amounts to nothing more than a lark; just a shameless and quite frankly lazy movie. I think I'll just dismiss this one, unfortunately. It was pretty forgettable, and I'm sure it, like the DCEU it was made for that was already D.O.A., will fade away to obscurity when a far superior and more faithful adaptation is made into a film years from now. People already tell me the CW show is insanely good and a much more admirable adaptation of the Flash character and comic. So even though I haven't seen it, yet anyway, I'll recommend all eight or whatever seasons of that. Toss this movie aside.

A Review of "Transformers: Rise of the Beasts"

"You guys think the humans will like us here?" "Shh, quiet man. Mufasa and Sirabi are about to show their new cub!"
♫ From the day we arrived, on the planeeeeet... and, blinking, step into the sun.
There's mooore to see than can ever be seen! More to do... than can eeeveeeer be done! ♫

Happy Friday to all. Now, you thought nine freakin' Planet of the Apes movies was a lot, especially when you realize that covers two-and-a-quarter months. Here we are at our seventh, and so far final, live-action Transformers entry. It's also the second movie from 2023 we've reviewed, in keeping with my desire to also keep fresh and review some modern movies!

"Noah, the Autobots and Maximals are losing! Quick!
Call Hasbro headquarters and request more intellectual
properties we can cross over with!"

Welcome to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, the sequel to the 2018 spin-off Bumblebee, which it turns out was capable of starting another line of sequels. So since a standalone movie focused on the character Bumblebee ended up being successful, what's so special about reverting back to having the movies be about all the Transformers again? Well... this one got my attention because it finally adapted a very popular version of Transformers called "Beast Wars", which was a new toyline in which instead of cars, trucks, and planes... they took the form of animals like rats and ants.... believe me it's much cooler than it sounds. Beast Wars also was one of my favorite Fox Kids shows growing up, so I was pretty excited for this new Transformers movie, something I can't say had happened in a long time. Popular Beast Wars characters like Optimus Primal, Cheetor, and Rhinox make appearances here... and it's alongside Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, and other Autobots as well. Not to mention the be-all, end-all bad guy of the Transformers-verse, Unicron, appears in his proper form. That's right, this isn't Transformers: The Last Knight just teasing with promises of Unicron and not delivering. Let's jump in to Transformers: Rise of the Beasts and review!

The movie opens with the planet-eating Unicron (Colman Domingo) who attacks the home world of the Maximals, an advanced race of Transformers with alternate beast modes. The Terrorcons, Unicron’s heralds led by Scourge (Peter Dinklage), seek to obtain the Transwarp Key which can open portals through space and time intending to use it to help Unicron consume planets faster. The Maximal leader Apelinq (David Sobolov) sacrifices himself to allow the other Maximals to escape the planet before Unicron devours it. Now under the command of Optimus Primal (Ron Pearlman), the Maximals flee to Earth with the key.

In 1994 Brooklyn, an ex-military electronics expert named Noah Diaz (Anthony Ramos) struggles to find a job to support his ill brother Kris and is convinced by his friend Reek to steal a Porsche 911 to sell only to discover that the car is the Autobot Mirage (Pete "Hide Your Wives" Davidson) in disguise. Also yeah that's right... a Transformers movie that decides to employ the trope of a human character struggling at odds with the world? Perish the thought. Concurrently, museum intern Elena Wallace (Dominique Fishback) studies an ancient statue of a falcon bearing the Maximal symbol and accidentally breaks it open to reveal the Transwarp Key hidden inside. The key releases an energy pulse detected by Autobot leader Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), who summons the other Autobots. Mirage is contacted in the middle of Noah's attempted theft, and he is roped into the Autobots' mission to recover the key from the museum so they can use it to return to their home world of Cybertron. See... I'm confused; I thought in Bumblebee the story was established that the Autobots left Cybertron because it was lost and looking for new places to call home. Now we're being told they want nothing more than to get back to Cybertron... lol I'm confused.

"Know this; Only ONE may enter here. The DIAMOND
in the ROUGH!"

Drawn by the key's signature, the Terrorcons arrive on Earth and attack the Autobots outside the museum, with Elena becoming caught up in the conflict. Scourge deactivates Bumblebee (non-speaking), steals the key, and retreats when the Maximal Airazor (Michelle Yeoh) arrives. Airazor explains to the Autobots that the Maximals have been hiding on Earth for millennia and that Scourge only has half of the Transwarp Key, which was split in two to keep it away from Unicron. Despite the danger, Optimus insists that the key be reassembled so the Autobots can use it to return home, while Noah secretly plots to destroy the key to keep Earth safe. Elena deduces that the other half of the key must be in a hidden temple in Peru, and the cargo plane Autobot, Stratosphere (John DiMaggio) takes them to Peru. There, they meet with Wheeljack (Cristo Fernández), who leads them to the temple, but they soon discover that the other half of the key is no longer there. The Terrorcons attack again, and the battle ends with Scourge corrupting Airazor with Unicron's dark energy. Subsequently, the Autobots meet Optimus Primal and the other Maximals, who explain that they entrusted the second half of the key to a human tribe they have worked with for millennia. Scourge's corruption overtakes Airazor and Primal reluctantly deactivates her at her request to save Elena. In the chaos, Noah attempts to destroy the second half of the key, but Optimus convinces him otherwise. Scourge steals it and then reassembles the two halves atop a volcano, erecting a tower and opening a portal above the Earth, which Unicron will soon go through.

"Are you Samuel James Witwicky? Descendant of Archibald
Witwicky?" "Uhhh... no?" "Damn, wrong movie."

Optimus and Noah agree to work together to protect their home worlds from Unicron. While the Autobots and Maximals battle the Terrorcon army, Noah and Elena sneak in close to the Key, planning to deactivate it with an access code Elena has uncovered. During the battle, Scourge gravely wounds Mirage, who was protecting Noah, but transforms his damaged body into a powered exo-suit for Noah so they can fight together. A little far-fetched for my taste, but at least it's somewhat believable. Bumblebee is reactivated when the key activates the Energon-infused valley. He helps the Autobots and Maximals turn the tide of the battle. Optimus kills Scourge, but not before the latter damages the control console to prevent the portal from being shut down. Optimus destroys the key and collapses the portal, willing to sacrifice himself, but Noah and Primal save him from being sucked into the imploding vortex, which destroys the remaining Terrorcon army.

In the aftermath, the Autobots, now unable to return to Cybertron at all... even though they were working to find a new home, proclaim Earth as their new home and vow to continue protecting it alongside the Maximals. Elena receives recognition for discovering the temple in Peru while Noah... in a very "Marvel" turn of events that was surprising yet stupid... attends an interview for a security job but finds he is actually being invited to join the secret military organization G.I. Joe... yeah that's right, the "real American hero", who will cover Kris's healthcare and provide the stability Kris and Noah need. In a mid-credits scene, Noah repairs Mirage using junk Porsche parts from Reek (Tobe Nwigwe) who claims it's un-road-worthy, and Noah disproves him by calling to Mirage to transform in front of Reek.

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a me!"

...and that's Transformers: Rise of the Beasts. The most recent and as of now, final entry in the Transformers film franchise. Unfortunately, while I was very much anticipating this one as a big fan of Beast Wars, there was only one or two Maximals that were given any amount of screen time worth anything. We got to see much of Optimus Primal and Airazor; but my personal favorites such as Cheetor, Rhinox, and especially Rattrap, are non-existent in this movie. Cheetor and Rhinox at least get screen time, but they didn't even bother to include Rattrap. What a sin. This did just feel like another edition of the wildly popular "Optimus Prime show", and Mirage received more screen time than I expected.... and at times, would have liked. Don't get me wrong, I dig Pete Davidson as a comedian and an actor. Still, Mirage was basically just Hot Rod from the '86 movie we've talked about. Young, talkative, upbeat; doesn't ever shut up when you need him to. Stuff like that.

They kind of made up for it to me with the inclusion of Unicron, and again, not just teasing him like The Last Knight did. Not only that, but they included him in his original G1 appearance. Sort of, at least his alternative planet-eating mode looks just the same. The actor that they got to voice him too, Colman Domingo, does a real good Unicron. I think he kind of calls back to Orson Welles' rendition from the '86 movie.

♫Caaaaan you feel, the looooove tonight? The peace the
evening briiiiings...♫ "Ah, come on Cheetor, that's the third
Disney reference int his blog post alone!"

One weird thing is if this movie's truly a sequel to Bumblebee, then we have a serious problem in terms of consistency. In the last movie, the so-named Autobot Bumblebee was the star of the show, the absolute hog of the spotlight, understandably so. In this movie, Bumblebee's almost a footnote. Background character, even. Which serious Bumblebee, Camaro, or even the color yellow fans are going to resent. Instead his youthful upbeat personality was handed to Mirage, who sort plays our new Bumblebee so to speak. Seems like they just re-invented the wheel by introducing Mirage, but I suppose not all Transformers movies can favor Bumblebee forever. They still manage to shoehorn Optimus Prime into the spotlight in this one. Last one, Bumblebee, Optimus was hardly in it and I actually quite liked that movie

You take showcasing of the Maximals out of it, showing off Unicron, and teasing the Hasbro Cinematic Universe out of the equation... this movie's sort of just a rehash of the Transformers movie formula we've seen a few times already. It introduces the filmgoers to new movie renditions of items and things from the lore, like the Transwarp Key and the Maximals, and Unicron, and it's gripping enough in that regard. Aside from that, much of the same. I thought it was serviceable enough. I didn't think it was good or bad. It was kind of just there, for me. All I can't wait for now is the big crossover movie The Hasbrovengers with My Little Pony, ThunderCats, G.I. Joe, and Transformers teaming up to fight... I don't know, the failing toy market that was once thriving in the 80's.

At the end of the day, I do recommend this movie. It's pretty entertaining enough, even if it's formula has been done already and I didn't think many awesome things about it.