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| "Hello. My kids tell me you were mean to them on the playground. It was their turn to go down the swirly slide and play on the jungle gym, and you butted in front and called them 'Doody Patootie Heads'. You must be terminated." |
Happy Friday. Well I'm back in town, got a few return days under my belt at work, and it's time for the weekend once again. I was thinking of what I could review next, keep the year going you know. The blogger used to stop and disappear randomly but now I have to have a SLATE... a list of things I look to review. Keep the flow goin'! Like diarrhea after Taco Bell!
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| I have a feeling Delta Airlines' brand new "robo-flight attendant" would twist your balls into a pretzel for fuckin' with your seat and tray table during take-off. |
So in the 1990s, James Cameron became king of the action movie and eventually the king of the box office (something the two Avatar movies so far are helping confirm), and because True Lies and certainly Titanic were taking up much of his time and power, it would seem a sequel to one of the highest-rated and most-worshipped action movies of all-time, Terminator 2, would not be happening. Not only that, but James Cameron was further adamant that T2 was supposed to bookend the story and be sequel-proof, except his confusing happy ending was cut in favor of a somewhat ambiguous "We'll keep fighting even though we won" ending. Still, the want for a third film was there... and rumors circulated throughout the late nineties that good ol' JC would deliver. Arnold, meanwhile, had endured box office and critical shortcomings in the waning years of the 90s that eventually led to heart surgery. Movies like Batman & Robin and End of Days didn't help his case either.
FINALLY, upon the start of a new millennium, it was announced. T3 would hit theaters in the summer of 2003. There was only one small problem. James Cameron would not be the writer/director. Cameron himself stated he refused to direct or produce T3 "because he disliked the idea of working from somebody else's script in a story he originated." So... uh oh, the series continuing on without its creator? That is sketch. Arnold also wanted to bail, but Cameron told him to "Just do it and ask for a shit load of money". At the time, Arnold's payday for T3 was far and above a milestone in actor compensation and easily a record at the time. For better or for worse, in the hot July summer of 2003, we got Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. It... exists, so let's take it to this movie and figure out why it works, but also doesn't work.
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| I have another feeling this is a visual representation of how Arnold fought for James Cameron during the initial Terminator 3 meetings. |
Ten years after destroying Cyberdyne Systems at the end of Terminator 2, John Connor (Nick Stahl) has been living as a nomad following the death of his mother, Sarah (nobody here... Linda Hamilton in Terminator and T2), to hide from the malevolent artificial intelligence Skynet, despite a war between humans and machines not happening in 1997, as foretold. We see immediately that this movie couldn't even nail down Edward Furlong to reprise his role as John Connor. Sure, Furlong was probably in rehab for millionth time, but just goes to show what a time we're in for... especially since Nick Stahl gives a very, shall we say "sleepy" performance. The type of performance where he walks off set going "check, please!" Anywho, unable to locate John in the past, Skynet sends the T-X (Kristanna Loken), an advanced prototype shapeshifting Terminator made of virtually impervious liquid metal, back in time to John's present in Los Angeles, to instead kill his future allies in the human resistance. Already, the enemy Terminator isn't very original. It's just liquid metal over an existing endoskeleton, and they just made her female for the excuse of selling R-Rated tickets to little boys and teenagers, lol. The human resistance sends back a reprogrammed T-850 Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a less-advanced metal endoskeleton covered in living human flesh, to protect John and his future wife Kate Brewster (Claire "I'm in a movie about what now?" Danes). Why is he a T-850 and not a T-800 like previously? Who knows, it isn't explained at all. He's an upgraded model vs. the T-800 but still is totally obsolete compared to the T-X. My guess is it was a conscious effort to explain why the Terminator now looks like he's in his mid-fifties.
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| "Hello random killing machine, can you lend me a hand?" "What?" *Steals minigun* |
After killing other targets, the T-X locates the pair at an animal hospital where Kate works. John becomes the T-X's primary target after she... licks blood to sample it, which is a thing I guess, but the Terminator helps him and Kate escape in a wild and admittedly badass crane chase. In the car, the Terminator gives John a ham-handed explanation as to why a sequel to T2 could even happen in the first place: "Judgment Da is inevitable". Alright then, fuck the other movies I guess. I was thought that was lazy. Like just say the future changed like the past, don't just say "Deal with Terminators until we saw we're done". Anywho, the Terminator then takes them to a mausoleum where John's mother is supposedly interred. Inside her vault, they find a weapons cache left at Sarah's request in case Judgment Day was not averted and the Terminators returned... weapons that wouldn't even stop a T-800, much less a T-1000 or especially the T-X. They escape from an armed battle with the police in, again, another pretty sweet gunplay and action sequence shootout in the cemetery, and fend off the pursuing T-X.
The Terminator then decides to reveal only at the precise moment that not only is Judgment Day inevitable, confirming again what he already said earlier, but that it is set to occur that very day; the Terminator intends to drive John and Kate to Mexico to escape the fallout when Skynet begins its nuclear attack at 6:18 p.m. John orders the Terminator to take Kate and him to see her father, U.S. Air Force Lieutenant General Robert Brewster (David Andrews). The Terminator refuses, however when Kate also demands to see her father, the Terminator obeys. It is revealed that in the future, the Terminator killed John, after which Kate captured and reprogrammed the Terminator and sent it back in time. This creates some rather awkward tension, but it sure makes for a great cutscene in the movie's tie-in video game.
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| "Stop. Do not touch me there. This is my Terminator square." |
Meanwhile, General Brewster is supervising the development of Skynet for Cyber Research Systems (CRS), which just happen to also develop autonomous weapons. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff pressures him to activate Skynet to stop an anomalous computer virus from invading servers worldwide. General Brewster discovers too late that the virus was Skynet slowly becoming self-aware, and John and Kate arrive too late to stop it from being activated. The T-X fatally injures General Brewster and controls the CRS weaponized drones, which kill the employees. Before he dies, General Brewster gives Kate and John the location of what John believes is Skynet's system core. The pair head for the tarmac to take General Brewster's single-engine plane to Crystal Peak, a facility built inside the Sierra Nevada. After a battle, the T-X severely damages the ahbsolete Tehrminatuh, reprogramming it to kill John, and pursues John and Kate through the CRS facility. When a particle accelerator is activated, it magnetically binds the T-X to the equipment. There's a funny moment here where Kate screams "Just DIE, you BITCH!" with such authority it's ridiculous. The still-conscious Terminator struggles to control its outer functions. As it prepares to kill John, he urges the Terminator to choose between its conflicting programming; it deliberately forces a shutdown of its corrupted system, enabling the pair's escape. Shortly after they leave, the Terminator's system reboots... strongly hinting that it rids itself of the T-X's system corruption; proving in fact that its OS was built on the backbone of Windows Server. #zing
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| The new-and-improved Apple iBabe can charge your consumer electronics and blow a hole in your wall all at once. |
After John and Kate reach Crystal Peak, the T-X arrives by helicopter. Before it can attack, the Terminator arrives in a second, much bigger helicopter (Qui-Gon "There's always a bigger fish"), crashing into and crushing the T-X. However the vicious mechanical bitch pulls itself from the wreckage, losing its legs, and attempts to drag itself inside the bunker to follow the pair. The Terminator holds the bunker door open long enough for the pair to lock them inside then uses its last hydrogen fuel cell to destroy both itself and the T-X. Oh I forgot to mention that part... the Terminator's hydrogen fuel cells when ruptured are basically nuclear bombs... rendering them a complete fucking liability on the battlefield, but whatever. With both Terminators destroyed, John and Kate head deeper into the Sierra Nevada mountain and discover that Crystal Peak is not Skynet's core, but rather a nuclear fallout shelter and command facility for government and military officials. I may have been ripping on the movie, but this is probably one of the most solid endings it could have. It really is superbly grim yet fulfilling. Having no core, Skynet has become a part of cyberspace after becoming self-aware. Judgment Day begins as Skynet fires nuclear missiles worldwide, starting a nuclear holocaust that kills billions. The pair begin receiving radio transmissions on the emergency equipment; John tentatively assumes command by answering radio calls, and they reluctantly accept their fate as the War Against the Machines, prophesized in the first movies, begins...
...and that's Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Boy, where do I begin? First of all, it probably is the most solid sequel we got to Terminator 2 so far. I don't know, I haven't watched Dark Fate yet, which is something I'm planning to do for this series of reviews. It feels the most like Terminator than its future sequels do. The problem is the movie is so derivative. The Terminator was fresh with its time-travel aspect, T2 was keen to keep the idea fresh as instead of a human and an evil cyborg, it was two cyborgs, one reprogrammed to be a good guy. Now it's... two cyborgs again. It wasn't very "new", didn't really break new ground. Not to mention, it just failed to be wittingly charming like T2 was. This one had moments that were intended to be the same or on the same wavelength, but instead they came off plain goofy and stupid. Arnold getting hit by a firetruck and seeing everyone's derp faces, Arnold having the starry sunglasses after the male strip club dance, his "talk to the hand" punchline, his "we need a new vehicle" Captain Obvious moment... just a lot of stuff that tried to replicate JC's wit, but again, JC just had the strength and skill to pull it off much more effectively. "Hasta la vista" in T2 was charming and goofy, but with a badass overlay. "Talk to the hand" was just plain dumb, pure and simple.
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| "John Connor, you are a righteous dude. Give me a fist bump." "Arnold, buddy, for the last time you don't to choke me for a fist bump!" |
On top of that, them retconning Terminator 2's definitive destroying Cyberdyne Systems ending is annoying just because it was for the sake of having another sequel. I already mentioned "Judgment Day is inevitable" was cheap. The whole movie just feels like they wanted to do their own thing, but also wanted to mimic James Cameron without really having James Cameron around, and it creates an awkward mishmash. Claire Danes is great, Kristanna Loken plays a female evil Terminator interestingly enough. Arnold does his usual Arnold-ness in playing the T-800...er... I mean the T-850. Nick Stahl gave a very sleepy performance I already said, like he was narcoleptic and constantly fighting off sleep... but then in other takes it's like he drank six gallons of coffee and was looking for a place to shit. An interesting enough John Connor, and probably second-interesting to Edward Furlong. In fact in my opinion, I'd say he's pretty much second to Furlong.
Despite my griping, I'll definitively close out by saying Terminator 3 is okay. It does not meet the same level of badassery, storytelling, or character development as the first two James Cameron movies, not even close. Still, it's a fun action movie with some interesting story tidbits and performances, and at least tries to move the story along. Plus, Stan Winston was even brought back in to do a lot of the up-close real robot effects. Pretty good stuff! I said it before, it probably is the most Terminator-esque sequel we get to the first two movies, as it sort of gels in with their grim tone and mimics it, but again, it doesn't have good ol' JC's charm sprinkled all over it. Still, give it a watch if you have nothing to do one Saturday afternoon and let me know what you think.
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