The OTHER Terminator Movies: A Review of "Terminator Genisys"

"Sarah, I have to go to the bahthroom." "That's crazy, Terminators don't go to the bathroom."
"I have an elderly grandpa subroutine installed where I now need assistance urinating, to keep up appearances!"
"What? Are you--?" "GET TO THE CRAPPAH! GO NOOOW!"

Ok, so. I know it goes without saying usually that with the first two Terminator movies, it's pretty much agreed that Arnold Schwarzenegger is what makes a Terminator a Terminator. Like, with his catchphrases, his accent, his stern dialogue, his presence. He's part of, if not the whole reason why the series has the charm it has, at least with it's cyborg ant/protagonist. So after Terminator Salvation went off with mixed reviews and a moderate box office return, it seemed like there was an initiative made to halt all production of any more Terminator movies that didn't involve Arnold on camera. There was only one problem: Arnold was busy being Governor of California, a term that didn't end until 2011. His first starring role back from the Governor-ship was 2013's The Last Stand. Once Arnold came back full-steam ahead, people started wondering when his time back in the Terminator spotlight would come again.

"Kids, be sure of the piercings you want to get in your teen
years. This is what the repair job looks like!"

That question was answered with the fifth film in the franchise. 2015's Terminator Genisys, that would star the Austrian Oak back in the franchise for the first time since 2003's Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Arnold being back could only spell good things for the franchise, right? Even at his advanced age? Heck, I was stoked! That is... until more news about the movie came out as the release date rolled near. In fact, I had written a short post about the development of Terminator Genisys nearly a decade ago as one of this blog's first posts back before I could figure out what I wanted to do with it. I was... rather distressed. You can read it for fun here.

...and it's honestly fair to say I was onto something because I caught Terminator Genisys in theaters that following summer in 2015, and it stunk... and it still stinks something foul. I thought Arnold's grandiose return to the franchise would merit better material than this, but this is just lazy. It's just dumb. It's just pointless, needless; no need to even exist. The effects are too-Star Wars prequel-y, the story laughably throws out any prior canon in the story and what it brings it... I just flat do not care for, and the casting of literally everybody feels like a giant misstep. Yes, even with Arnold. Let's rip apart what I consider a giant misstep that resulted in a failure to launch a new trilogy in Terminator Genisys.

In 2029, Human Resistance leader John Connor (horribly miscast Jason Clarke) launches a final offensive against Skynet, an artificial general intelligence system seeking to eliminate the human race. Before the Resistance can triumph, Skynet activates a time machine and sends a T-800/Model 101 Terminator back to 1984, to kill John's mother Sarah (horribly miscast Emilia Clarke). John's right-hand man, Kyle Reese (horribly miscast Jai Courtney), volunteers to travel back in time to protect her. As Kyle floats in the machine's magnetic field, he sees John being attacked by another Resistance soldier (Doctor Who's Matt Smith). This creates a temporal paradox that alters the timeline and causes Kyle to experience childhood memories from a parallel version of himself. Right away... ugh. Just ugh. It's throwing confusing plot elements into a timeline thought bubble that is already ready to pop. Just... just ugh. Save this "parallel universe" stuff for Marvel, guys.

"Sarah, I'm baaaack." "Arnold, I'm Emilia, and yes we know
you came back to the franch--" "I am baaaaaaaaaaack."

When it arrives in Los Angeles 1984, Skynet's T-800 (Digitally de-aged Arnold Schwarzenegger) is disabled by Sarah and "Pops" (an appropriately aged Arnold Schwarzenegger), a reprogrammed T-800. Christ... how easy is it to reprogram a T-800? That's THREE we've met that have been reprogrammed. Oh I'm sorry, two. The other one was a T-850. Lord. Anyway, an unknown party had sent Pops to 1973 to protect Sarah when she was nine years old after her parents were killed by a T-1000 sent by Skynet. How many fucking Terminators are going back in time? Seriously? The timeline, which is trying to get a soft reboot, is now just riddled with holes like swiss cheese. On TOP of that... if it's sending a T-1000 back to 1973, why in the name of HELL is it sending a lesser-advanced T-800 back to 1984? Why not just send T-1000s everywhere, anytime? What would that stop you, you're already drastically confusing the shit out of me. Why stop there?!

Anywho... when Kyle arrives in 1984, he is intercepted by the T-1000 (Byung-Hun Lee), which Sarah and Pops destroy with acid. Oh, acid? Why didn't they think of that in T2?! ACID! Sarah and Pops have constructed a makeshift time machine like Skynet's... yep, in fucking 1984... and the government, the police; nobody knows about it. Remember what Doc said in Back to the Future Part III about rebuilding the shorted out microchip with 1955 components? Yeah, they don't give a shit here. You want a time machine in 1984? Sure why they hell not. We're dumb Hollywood writers, we're already getting paid. 

I stopped caring at this point and was begging this movie to be over in the theater (I never walk out of the theater at these prices, I suffer through every last minute). It turns out Sarah plans to stop Skynet by traveling to 1997, the year it becomes self-aware... wait, I thought it became self aware in 2003? You know when the Rise of the Machines happened? Fuck. There's something else that I guess just doesn't matter anymore. However, realizing that the timeline has been altered, Kyle is convinced that the future has also changed. He recalls a warning he received in his childhood vision, convincing Sarah that they instead must travel to 2017 to stop Skynet. After fighting the T-1000, Pops has sustained exterior damages that prevent him from time-traveling. He stays in 1984 and plans to meet up with Kyle and Sarah in the future, preparing for their arrival in the meantime. What could he do in that thirty-three year wait? I don't know, maybe assassinate the people who would lead to Skynet's inception in the first place?

"Don't worry John. I will protect Sarah in the past!"
"Woah, nice schlong dad. No wonder Mom jumps your
bones in 1984!"
"What?" "What?!"

In 2017, Kyle and Sarah materialize in the middle of a busy San Francisco highway and are apprehended by city police. While they are treated for injuries, Sarah and Kyle learn that Skynet is called "Genisys"—a soon-to-be-unveiled global operating system which is embraced by the public. So yeah... they're taking subtle shots at Apple and iOS. Do you get it? Ha ha ha... I'm riddled with the lols. John suddenly appears and rescues Sarah and Kyle. Pops arrives and unexpectedly shoots John, revealing that John is now an advanced Terminator. How does he know this? Well, remember the beginning of the film? The resistance soldier who attacked John is revealed to have been Skynet in physical disguise as a Terminator... I guess... While Kyle was traveling back in time, Skynet attacked John and infected him with machine phase matter. What is machine phase matter? Nobody even remotely explains it. John, tasked with ensuring Skynet's creation, traveled back in time to assist Cyberdyne Systems with the development of Genisys, hence securing Skynet and its machines' rise. Pops fights John before trapping him long enough for them to escape.

A day before Skynet's worldwide attack, Sarah, Kyle, and Pops retreat to a safe house and make final preparations to destroy Cyberdyne's Genisys mainframe. They head toward Cyberdyne's headquarters with John in close pursuit. During an airborne chase, Pops dive-bombs into John's helicopter and causes it to crash. John survives the crash and enters the Cyberdyne complex, where it advances the countdown from thirteen hours to fifteen minutes. How it can advance the clock from thirteen hours to fifteen minutes and, you know, not just go self-aware is beyond me. Kyle, Sarah, and Pops plant bombs at key points in the facility while holding off John. In a final battle, Pops traps John in the magnetic field of a prototype time machine. Both are destroyed, but just before the explosion the remains of Pops are flung out of the apparatus into a nearby experimental vat of mimetic polyalloy... Christ so being like a T-3000 or whatever it's listed as in the credits means nothing when a geriatric Austrian T-800 can still hand you your ass. Kyle and Sarah reach a bunker beneath the facility and the explosion sets off the bombs, preventing Genisys from coming online. Pops appears, upgraded with mimetic polyalloy components like that of the T-1000, and helps them escape from the debris.

This scene serves two purposes: 1) Either give you warm
memberberries while you watch, or 2) gives you a reminder
there are better Terminator movies out there.

The trio travels to Kyle's childhood home, where Kyle tells his younger self about Genisys and instructs him to repeat the warning to himself, securing the trio's arrival from 1984. Sarah, Kyle, and Pops drive off into the countryside. A mid-credits scene reveals that the system core of Genisys, located in a protected subterranean chamber, has survived the explosion... yaaaaaayy.............

Only we don't get to see what became of Genisys because Terminator Genisys quite frankly was a monumental load of tripe upon release. The fact it had Arnold back wasn't enough to save it. Playing a geriatric Terminator doesn't really bode well without decent reasoning. I've already griped about the Terminators being sent back in time basically at will at this point. A T-800 and T-1000 to 1973, a T-800 to 1984, a T-800 and T-1000 to 1995... it never ends. The worst part is Skynet/Genisys is sending these Terminators back to aaaall these different points in time and they're aaaaall failing. Like why even have the issue of beating Skynet in the future? What level of difficulty are they? Easy mode? Most likely!

I've also subtly griped at what I perceive to be glaring miscasts in these roles. They could have at least tried to nail down someone who looked similar to the past roles, but these are so glaring it basically makes me feel like I'm watching a third-rate high school put on a play about The Terminator. I never really have seen a performance in which Jason Clarke wowed me. Even in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes which I reviewed earlier this year. Jai Courtney I think is one colossal dud. He just seems so hammy in everything it's like "Dude, tone it down, you're the father of the savior of the planet... let's be a little less over-the-top demanding here." Michael Biehn nailed the role in '84, say no more. Emilia Clarke I can go either way on... it sometimes feels like she's trying, but again she bears so little resemblance to Linda Hamilton playing a character I've seen 1000x that it's hard for me to even remember she is Sarah Connor. Even Arnold... poor Arnold... doesn't even feel like he's giving it is all anymore in this movie.

Now available on PS5, Xbox Series X, and PC.
Battlefield: 2029 -- Skynet Edition.

The opening recreation in 1984 just before geriatric Arnold shows up at least tries to suck the viewer in by showing us what we remembered we like... but then the swerve comes and the movie just takes off, seizing like a failing vibrator and falling down the stairs. Like, the T-800 sent to 1984 was shown in The Terminator to be a very formidable foe. Taking bullets, fire, car crashes; all that stuff head-on and keep on coming. In this movie's opening it's defeated rather easily, one sniper shot to the chest. The shot pierces it and somehow shuts it down completely. Don't remember them trying that in The Terminator! Shooting it? Noooo...

On top of that, this movie got a wicked big endorsement from James Cameron! That's right, while he was filming Avatar: The Way of Water, he filmed a recorded endorsement. I remember the phrase "I feel like the franchise is reinvigorated, like this is a renaissance!" Yeah, ok. It's one of the biggest disagreements with JC that I've had... but is there ONE thing I can say nicely about this movie? Just one thing? Yes. It's rendition of the classic Terminator theme (called "Terminated" on its score album) is one of the best ones I've heard, arguably the best since T2. Very pounding, but very tragic in its tone; marvelous. Shout out to Lorne Balfe for nailing it.

I'd say skip Terminator Genisys. It's easily the weakest entry in the franchise so far. It doesn't really count in the storyline narrative and it retcons a ton of stuff to set up a ton of new stuff that didn't happen because this film underperformed at the box office, and with critics & fans alike. So it really is ultimately kind of pointless now. It kind of just floats there like the wreckage of a plane that landed in the ocean, bobbing along, taking on water before eventually just sinking out of existence forever.

The OTHER Terminator Movies: A Review of "Terminator Salvation"

"I've heard of having rubbery facial features before, but this is ridiculous!"

Happy Thursday! Once again, I'll be out of town for the weekend 'til Monday. Therefore, you're getting a bonafide Cody B. review a day early. My gift to you. I'll throw in a Sham-Wow (if they still make those) for an additional $39.95. Why so expensive for one Sham-Wow? You know, inflation and all.

"Sorry about my face, I hit a road bump and spilled
my McDonald's premium roast coffee."

Continuing on our trek through the sludge-side of the Terminator franchise, we leave Terminator 3 in the dust and continue on into the 2000s. Arnold leaves the Hollywood spotlight for, instead, the California Governor's chair spotlight. Something we never thought would happen. I still think that was a thing where everybody didn't care for the politics of it all or who stood on what side, I think it was more a thing of "Yeah let's vote for Arnold, you know what I mean?" Anywho, so the Terminator saga chugged along without its chief Mickey Mouse-level mascot. As early as late-2007 when I was a freshman in high school is when I first heard hearsay about a fourth film. "What? Without Arnold?" Yep! You see, the reasoning was that Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines showed, you know... the rise of the machines. Ergo, we didn't need the Austrian Oak for any more time travel hijinks. It was all going to take place during the war. The machines had already risen! There was no point in the past left to travel back to! Terminator 3 slammed the door shut on that idea (or so we thought).

Now we're in the era of the war against the machines. Leading the way, fresh off The Dark Knight is none other than Batman himself, Christian Bale, as John Connor; a soldier in the human resistance and the prophesized leader and savior of humanity. Playing his wife KAH-THRINE BREW-STAH now in lieu of Claire Danes is Bryce Dallas Howard. You also have Sam Worthington, Michael Ironside, Helena Bonham Carter, and Anton Yelchin in the franchise now too. Directed by McG... yes that is the name he chose... does this one hold up? Does it compare? Does it support the mythos? Well... it certainly looks like it could. Let's get started:

This T-800 endoskeleton arcing it's neck like
"Watchu talkin' 'bout Willis?"

In 2003, Dr. Serena Kogan (Helena Bonham Carter) of Cyberdyne Systems convinces death row inmate Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) to sign over his body for medical research following his execution. Sometime later, the automated Skynet system is activated and becomes self-aware; perceiving humans as a threat to its existence, it starts a nuclear holocaust to eradicate them in the event known as "Judgment Day". You know that whole story by this point, right? Well fasten your seatbelts, strap on your thinking caps and comfy, because these sequels are going to REMIND you. Fast forward to the distant future (lol) of 2018, John Connor (Christian Bale) orchestrates an attack on a Skynet base, where he discovers prisoners and schematics in a laboratory for incorporating living tissue into a new type of Terminator, which he recognizes as the T-800 model. "Back in my day, we knew this as the Governor of California!" No he doesn't say that, but he does react with horrified anticipation. John survives an explosion on the base, which is destroyed. Following John's departure, Marcus emerges from the base's wreckage and begins walking toward Los Angeles... how is Marcus alive? What's going on now? All questions that will be answered in a very half-assed manner!

John returns to the Resistance headquarters located aboard a nuclear submarine and is briefed by General Ashdown (Michael Ironside... a rare instance where both the character and the actor have badass names) that the Resistance has discovered a hidden signal containing a code protocol that they believe can initiate a shutdown of Skynet's machines. Why is Skynet broadcasting a signal that can be utilized and reversed to shut down their own machines? Why is the Resistance dumb enough to believe this is a key to winning the war? All these questions will be answered in a very half-assed manner! The Resistance plans to launch an offensive against Skynet's headquarters in San Francisco. It is decided among the Resistance that the offensive will commence in four days, due to an intercepted kill list created by Skynet, which plans to kill the Resistance's leaders within the same time frame. John learns he is second on this list, following Kyle Reese... (Anton Yelchin). The Resistance leaders do not understand Kyle's importance, but John knows that Kyle will eventually travel back in time and become his father and realizes that Skynet has learned this. Michael Biehn was not asked to reprise the role for obvious age reasons, but kinda sad they didn't digitally slap his face on Anton Yelchin's body like they would for a certain robot later (Oops, spoilers).

"If Indiana Jones can stand this close to a nuke and
not go sterile, surely the leader of the Human
Resistance can!"

Arriving at the ruins of Los Angeles, Marcus encounters Kyle and a mute child named Star (Jadagrace Berry) during a skirmish with Skynet's machines. Kyle and Star are subsequently abducted and taken prisoner by Skynet. Two Resistance A-10 airplanes are shot down while trying to intercept a machine transport. Marcus locates downed pilot Blair Williams (Moon Bloodgood), and they make their way to John's base, where Marcus is wounded by a magnetic land mine. Attempting to save his life, the Resistance fighters discover that Marcus is a cyborg, with a cybernetic endoskeleton and a partially artificial cerebral cortex. Although Marcus insists that he is human, John and his wife Kate (Bryce Dallas Howard) suspect that Marcus has been sent to execute them, and John orders him to be killed. Blair helps Marcus escape... unknownst to her could trigger a possible program in Marcus to kill John Connor and derail the Resistance, but what does she know, she's horny for a robot. During the pursuit, Marcus saves John's life from Skynet's hydrobots (yes, hydrobots) and the two make a bargain: Marcus will enter Skynet's headquarters in San Francisco to help John rescue Kyle and the other prisoners if he lets him live.

John pleads with General Ashdown to delay the offensive so he can formulate a plan to extract the human captives, but Ashdown refuses and relieves John of his command. However, the Resistance disobeys Ashdown's orders and instead awaits John's signal. Marcus enters the base, interfaces with the computer, and disables perimeter defenses so that John can release the prisoners. Marcus learns from Skynet (which assumes the form of Dr. Kogan on a screen) that he was resurrected by it to lure John to the base; when the Resistance launches its attack, John will be killed, achieving Skynet's goal. The hidden signal that the Resistance received earlier is revealed to be a ruse, and Skynet uses it to track down and destroy the Resistance command submarine.  That's a... a really roundabout scheme by an A.I. just to kill one guy. I see where Skynet is coming from, but at the same time, yeesh that seems like overkill.

How you and your friends look at the two-seater
Uber when three of you need a ride.

Refusing to accept his fate, Marcus tears out the hardware linking him to Skynet and leaves to aid John. How that doesn't kill him, how Skynet didn't anticipate a possible betrayal, why Skynet gave him the will to do this on his own without a contingency plan to nuke his brain upon betrayal; all great questions that the movie will even try to half-ass. John locates Kyle and Star, but they are ambushed by a T-800 Terminator... played by Roland Kickinger, but with Arnold Schwarzenegger's 1984 likeness digitally wrapped around his mug. As Kyle and Star escape, Marcus appears and fights the T-800 while John rigs together nuclear fuel cells to destroy the facility. Marcus is soon outclassed in strength and temporarily disabled until John comes to his aid, after which John is stabbed through the chest by the T-800 from behind. Marcus destroys the T-800 by tearing its head off and he, John, Kyle, and Star are airlifted out. John detonates the explosives, destroying a stockpile of Skynet's weapons, including the T-800s, with the base. At a field hospital, John's injury is deemed terminal, so Marcus offers his heart for transplantation, sacrificing himself to save John. As he recovers, John radios to other Resistance fighters that, although this battle has been won, the war continues...

That is Terminator Salvation. For being the first real Arnold-less film in the franchise, it isn't terrible. It's got action beats, it's got story development, it's got peril, and some good dialogue. Best of all thus far, it didn't rely on the time-travel trope like Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines recycled. That being said, I do have some gripes. First of all, while I think he's a terrific actor, Christian Bale doesn't really do it as John Connor for me. I can tell the Bat-voice from Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, which has been lampooned since YouTube has even been a thing, wore him to the point of a horrible rasp. He talks like Rod Stewart sings in this movie. I don't know if it was intentional or what but it sounds like the poor guy needs water 24/7! TAKE A SIP'a WATER, MR. BALE! Not to mention, this is the movie whose behind-the-scenes was the source of Christian Bale's blow-up at director of photography, Shane Hurlbut, that leaked, and was subsequently meme'd the hell out of.

"Christian, quit pointing the gun at me." - McG
"Pa-choo, pa-choo... gotcha." - Christian Bale

On top of that, I didn't like that this was also the first Terminator film to be rated PG-13 upon release. Terminator movies up until this point have been hard-R action films, with some fucks, fuckings, and fuckers thrown around for flavorful, gritty dialogue. Maybe some nudity in there as well for good measure! (Lookin' at you, Arnold's DONG), but this PG-13 Terminator movie seems weak on the grit. It tries to make up for it with excellent cinematography and action, and to some degree it works, but still... it's something only James Cameron was able to pull off with class so far. At least it felt nice being a Terminator movie I could, at the time, see without parental guardians having to accompany me. Moving on!

Plus the inexplicable addition of the cyborg-human hybrid technology in Marcus in 2018, before when the OG movies showed the future of 2029, makes no sense and tears a plot hole in the story the size of San Andreas. Everybody knows that in The Terminator, Kyle decress the 800 series Terminators with flesh-covering were new, and he time-traveled from the year 2029. Terminator Salvation instead shows us 2018 and claims that the T-800s were new then and there. I'm not sure if they described it as the past movies' events altering the timeline to the point the T-800s were created earlier or what, but it isn't explained very well in this movie. Not to mention if it did change the timeline, would Kyle Reese even be John Connors' father in the past? Who knows.

Look I am getting way off topic and too into the lore right now, but you can see why the Terminator franchise is often lambasted for its shitty timeline and continuing narrative. It's timeline is often the butt of jokes and is considered one of the worst franchises to try and follow any semblance of theoretical temporal-displacement logic. It just makes shit up on the fly. That being said... and finally reaching the conclusion, Terminator Salvation, much like Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, in my opinion... is ok. It has its ups, and its downs, its so-sos and it's no-nos, but ultimately it is a watchable movie and I suppose a decent entry in the franchise. It's not one I watch frequently, hell I actually forget the last time I watched it; I didn't bother renewing my viewership for this blog post... but I maintain it is watchable and I do like it somewhat. Just again, not as much as the first two films. Give it a watch if you want to see for yourself!

The OTHER Terminator Movies: A Review of "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines"

 

"Hello. My kids tell me you were mean to them on the playground. It was their turn to go down
the swirly slide and play on the jungle gym, and you butted in front and called them 'Doody Patootie Heads'.
You must be terminated."

Happy Friday. Well I'm back in town, got a few return days under my belt at work, and it's time for the weekend once again. I was thinking of what I could review next, keep the year going you know. The blogger used to stop and disappear randomly but now I have to have a SLATE... a list of things I look to review. Keep the flow goin'! Like diarrhea after Taco Bell!

I have a feeling Delta Airlines' brand new "robo-flight
attendant" would twist your balls into a pretzel for fuckin'
with your seat and tray table during take-off.

Earlier this year we did a director's filmography review series, this one on James Cameron. Two of those posts were related to The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Two badass action/sci-fi movies that are staples and cornerstones in pop-culture and filmmaking to this day. Storytelling, character development, visual effects; thousands upon thousands of movies in some way, shape, or form owe their ideas to these two and the ground they broke. I reviewed them here and here respectively if you need to catch up and refresh before we continue today.

So in the 1990s, James Cameron became king of the action movie and eventually the king of the box office (something the two Avatar movies so far are helping confirm), and because True Lies and certainly Titanic were taking up much of his time and power, it would seem a sequel to one of the highest-rated and most-worshipped action movies of all-time, Terminator 2, would not be happening. Not only that, but James Cameron was further adamant that T2 was supposed to bookend the story and be sequel-proof, except his confusing happy ending was cut in favor of a somewhat ambiguous "We'll keep fighting even though we won" ending. Still, the want for a third film was there... and rumors circulated throughout the late nineties that good ol' JC would deliver. Arnold, meanwhile, had endured box office and critical shortcomings in the waning years of the 90s that eventually led to heart surgery. Movies like Batman & Robin and End of Days didn't help his case either.

FINALLY, upon the start of a new millennium, it was announced. T3 would hit theaters in the summer of 2003. There was only one small problem. James Cameron would not be the writer/director. Cameron himself stated he refused to direct or produce T3 "because he disliked the idea of working from somebody else's script in a story he originated." So... uh oh, the series continuing on without its creator? That is sketch. Arnold also wanted to bail, but Cameron told him to "Just do it and ask for a shit load of money". At the time, Arnold's payday for T3 was far and above a milestone in actor compensation and easily a record at the time. For better or for worse, in the hot July summer of 2003, we got Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. It... exists, so let's take it to this movie and figure out why it works, but also doesn't work.

I have another feeling this is a visual representation of how
Arnold fought for James Cameron during the initial
Terminator 3 meetings.

Ten years after destroying Cyberdyne Systems at the end of Terminator 2, John Connor (Nick Stahl) has been living as a nomad following the death of his mother, Sarah (nobody here... Linda Hamilton in Terminator and T2), to hide from the malevolent artificial intelligence Skynet, despite a war between humans and machines not happening in 1997, as foretold. We see immediately that this movie couldn't even nail down Edward Furlong to reprise his role as John Connor. Sure, Furlong was probably in rehab for millionth time, but just goes to show what a time we're in for... especially since Nick Stahl gives a very, shall we say "sleepy" performance. The type of performance where he walks off set going "check, please!" Anywho, unable to locate John in the past, Skynet sends the T-X (Kristanna Loken), an advanced prototype shapeshifting Terminator made of virtually impervious liquid metal, back in time to John's present in Los Angeles, to instead kill his future allies in the human resistance. Already, the enemy Terminator isn't very original. It's just liquid metal over an existing endoskeleton, and they just made her female for the excuse of selling R-Rated tickets to little boys and teenagers, lol. The human resistance sends back a reprogrammed T-850 Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a less-advanced metal endoskeleton covered in living human flesh, to protect John and his future wife Kate Brewster (Claire "I'm in a movie about what now?" Danes). Why is he a T-850 and not a T-800 like previously? Who knows, it isn't explained at all. He's an upgraded model vs. the T-800 but still is totally obsolete compared to the T-X. My guess is it was a conscious effort to explain why the Terminator now looks like he's in his mid-fifties.

"Hello random killing machine, can you lend me a hand?"
"What?" *Steals minigun*

After killing other targets, the T-X locates the pair at an animal hospital where Kate works. John becomes the T-X's primary target after she... licks blood to sample it, which is a thing I guess, but the Terminator helps him and Kate escape in a wild and admittedly badass crane chase. In the car, the Terminator gives John a ham-handed explanation as to why a sequel to T2 could even happen in the first place: "Judgment Da is inevitable". Alright then, fuck the other movies I guess. I was thought that was lazy. Like just say the future changed like the past, don't just say "Deal with Terminators until we saw we're done". Anywho, the Terminator then takes them to a mausoleum where John's mother is supposedly interred. Inside her vault, they find a weapons cache left at Sarah's request in case Judgment Day was not averted and the Terminators returned... weapons that wouldn't even stop a T-800, much less a T-1000 or especially the T-X. They escape from an armed battle with the police in, again, another pretty sweet gunplay and action sequence shootout in the cemetery, and fend off the pursuing T-X.

The Terminator then decides to reveal only at the precise moment that not only is Judgment Day inevitable, confirming again what he already said earlier, but that it is set to occur that very day; the Terminator intends to drive John and Kate to Mexico to escape the fallout when Skynet begins its nuclear attack at 6:18 p.m. John orders the Terminator to take Kate and him to see her father, U.S. Air Force Lieutenant General Robert Brewster (David Andrews). The Terminator refuses, however when Kate also demands to see her father, the Terminator obeys. It is revealed that in the future, the Terminator killed John, after which Kate captured and reprogrammed the Terminator and sent it back in time. This creates some rather awkward tension, but it sure makes for a great cutscene in the movie's tie-in video game.

"Stop. Do not touch me there. This is my
Terminator square."

Meanwhile, General Brewster is supervising the development of Skynet for Cyber Research Systems (CRS), which just happen to also develop autonomous weapons. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff pressures him to activate Skynet to stop an anomalous computer virus from invading servers worldwide. General Brewster discovers too late that the virus was Skynet slowly becoming self-aware, and John and Kate arrive too late to stop it from being activated. The T-X fatally injures General Brewster and controls the CRS weaponized drones, which kill the employees. Before he dies, General Brewster gives Kate and John the location of what John believes is Skynet's system core. The pair head for the tarmac to take General Brewster's single-engine plane to Crystal Peak, a facility built inside the Sierra Nevada. After a battle, the T-X severely damages the ahbsolete Tehrminatuh, reprogramming it to kill John, and pursues John and Kate through the CRS facility. When a particle accelerator is activated, it magnetically binds the T-X to the equipment. There's a funny moment here where Kate screams "Just DIE, you BITCH!" with such authority it's ridiculous. The still-conscious Terminator struggles to control its outer functions. As it prepares to kill John, he urges the Terminator to choose between its conflicting programming; it deliberately forces a shutdown of its corrupted system, enabling the pair's escape. Shortly after they leave, the Terminator's system reboots... strongly hinting that it rids itself of the T-X's system corruption; proving in fact that its OS was built on the backbone of Windows Server. #zing

The new-and-improved Apple iBabe can
charge your consumer electronics and blow
a hole in your wall all at once.

After John and Kate reach Crystal Peak, the T-X arrives by helicopter. Before it can attack, the Terminator arrives in a second, much bigger helicopter (Qui-Gon "There's always a bigger fish"), crashing into and crushing the T-X. However the vicious mechanical bitch pulls itself from the wreckage, losing its legs, and attempts to drag itself inside the bunker to follow the pair. The Terminator holds the bunker door open long enough for the pair to lock them inside then uses its last hydrogen fuel cell to destroy both itself and the T-X. Oh I forgot to mention that part... the Terminator's hydrogen fuel cells when ruptured are basically nuclear bombs... rendering them a complete fucking liability on the battlefield, but whatever. With both Terminators destroyed, John and Kate head deeper into the Sierra Nevada mountain and discover that Crystal Peak is not Skynet's core, but rather a nuclear fallout shelter and command facility for government and military officials. I may have been ripping on the movie, but this is probably one of the most solid endings it could have. It really is superbly grim yet fulfilling. Having no core, Skynet has become a part of cyberspace after becoming self-aware. Judgment Day begins as Skynet fires nuclear missiles worldwide, starting a nuclear holocaust that kills billions. The pair begin receiving radio transmissions on the emergency equipment; John tentatively assumes command by answering radio calls, and they reluctantly accept their fate as the War Against the Machines, prophesized in the first movies, begins...

...and that's Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Boy, where do I begin? First of all, it probably is the most solid sequel we got to Terminator 2 so far. I don't know, I haven't watched Dark Fate yet, which is something I'm planning to do for this series of reviews. It feels the most like Terminator than its future sequels do. The problem is the movie is so derivative. The Terminator was fresh with its time-travel aspect, T2 was keen to keep the idea fresh as instead of a human and an evil cyborg, it was two cyborgs, one reprogrammed to be a good guy. Now it's... two cyborgs again. It wasn't very "new", didn't really break new ground. Not to mention, it just failed to be wittingly charming like T2 was. This one had moments that were intended to be the same or on the same wavelength, but instead they came off plain goofy and stupid. Arnold getting hit by a firetruck and seeing everyone's derp faces, Arnold having the starry sunglasses after the male strip club dance, his "talk to the hand" punchline, his "we need a new vehicle" Captain Obvious moment... just a lot of stuff that tried to replicate JC's wit, but again, JC just had the strength and skill to pull it off much more effectively. "Hasta la vista" in T2 was charming and goofy, but with a badass overlay. "Talk to the hand" was just plain dumb, pure and simple.

"John Connor, you are a righteous dude. Give me a
fist bump." "Arnold, buddy, for the last time you don't to
choke me for a fist bump!"

On top of that, them retconning Terminator 2's definitive destroying Cyberdyne Systems ending is annoying just because it was for the sake of having another sequel. I already mentioned "Judgment Day is inevitable" was cheap. The whole movie just feels like they wanted to do their own thing, but also wanted to mimic James Cameron without really having James Cameron around, and it creates an awkward mishmash. Claire Danes is great, Kristanna Loken plays a female evil Terminator interestingly enough. Arnold does his usual Arnold-ness in playing the T-800...er... I mean the T-850. Nick Stahl gave a very sleepy performance I already said, like he was narcoleptic and constantly fighting off sleep... but then in other takes it's like he drank six gallons of coffee and was looking for a place to shit. An interesting enough John Connor, and probably second-interesting to Edward Furlong. In fact in my opinion, I'd say he's pretty much second to Furlong.

Despite my griping, I'll definitively close out by saying Terminator 3 is okay. It does not meet the same level of badassery, storytelling, or character development as the first two James Cameron movies, not even close. Still, it's a fun action movie with some interesting story tidbits and performances, and at least tries to move the story along. Plus, Stan Winston was even brought back in to do a lot of the up-close real robot effects. Pretty good stuff! I said it before, it probably is the most Terminator-esque sequel we get to the first two movies, as it sort of gels in with their grim tone and mimics it, but again, it doesn't have good ol' JC's charm sprinkled all over it. Still, give it a watch if you have nothing to do one Saturday afternoon and let me know what you think.

A Review of "War for the Planet of the Apes"

*Cue Lord of the Rings "running across landscape" music*

Happy Thursday to all. I'm out of town starting tonight and not back 'til Monday at noon so I figured I'd go ahead and end the Apes anthology of reviews today and start fresh with something else next week!

Well this is it. The past ten or eleven weeks' worth of reviews have come down to this. This is the final entry and the final Apes movie released so far, and boy, it really was a good one. Dawn was good, had defining moments, but this one just kicked it up a notch. I'd say it sits at a solid second, between Dawn at third and Rise at first, when it comes solely to this reboot series. It's just like the opening narration of the film states: First we had the Rise... then as the ape civilization came to be, it was the Dawning of a new era, that ended with the apes and humans preparing for War. That's right. Welcome to War for the Planet of the Apes. Andy Serkis is back as Caesar, and supposedly for the final time. This is Caesar's greatest challenge yet as he leads the ape people (Ape-le, if you will? idfk). Let's dig into this solid sequel and kick back for some action-packed-ness. I'm FULL of making up useless combined words today!

"Uncle Colonel wants YOU for ape-killing madmen
militia killers...we'll pay for your post-apocalyptic
college education!"

Our latest sequel picks up during a time where a ruthless colonel (Woody Harrelson) leads a militia to find Caesar (Andy Serkis) and his intelligent apes. A platoon assaults an ape outpost and the paramilitaries are captured. The tribe releases the survivors to show a desire for peace. There are apes derogatorily called "donkeys" serving the militia. Caesar's eldest son, Blue Eyes (Max Lloyd-Jones), and friend Rocket (Terry Notary) return from an oasis while searching for a safer home. The colonel leads a team in infiltrating the apes' home and kills Caesar's wife Cornelia (Judy "I'm Still Here" Greer) and Blue Eyes after mistaking him for Caesar. So now you're Caesar... you're just trying to enjoy your life, and some nutjob posing as an army nut shows up, kills your wife and eldest son, and what do you do? It's time for WAR. *Cue Edwin Starr's "War"*

Rocket, Maurice (Karin Konoval), and Luca (Michael Adamthwaite) accompany Caesar to serve as a decoy as the tribe journey. Caesar kills a paramilitary in self-defense and find the man's mute daughter (Amiah Miller) whom Maurice befriends, giving her a rag doll. Other paramilitaries were abandoned and left for dead. A man who was shot reveals that he is mute like the girl. Caesar's group chases someone who has stolen one of their horses and is surprised to see that he is another intelligent ape, named Bad Ape (Steve Zahn). You might be wondering who Steve Zahn is... I know I saw him before in Eddie Murphy's Daddy Day Care... that's all I remember him from. Lol no disrespect Steve! Bad Ape informs them that the militia is at a quarantine facility with an arsenal in the mountains. Luca is killed and Caesar is captured when they try to get close, his tribe was captured and is being forced to build a wall.

"What you think, little girl?" ".........." "Oh,
right, that's the fifth time I've forgotten
you can't talk."

The militia is barricading the facility to fend off the United States army because the Simian flu (that wiped out most of humanity as presented in Dawn) has mutated and the infected become mute and devolve, they killed carriers before they could infect other people. The U.S army is searching for a cure through the manipulation of nature again. Caesar is kept starving to force the tribe to work. The mute girl, named Nova by Maurice (OH MANY ANOTHER THROWBACK, God I LOVE THESE REBOOTS), sneaks into the facility to give Caesar water and her doll. Rocket allows himself to be captured to prevent Nova from being seen. The colonel later confiscates the doll. Caesar and Rocket free the apes via an underground tunnel leading out of the facility. The facility comes under attack by the U.S. Army, and Caesar sneaks into the colonel's quarters. He finds himself about to shoot the Colonel but realizes that poor ol' Woody has become mute after handling the doll. Unable to yell obscenities at Jesse Eisenberg and Emma Stone in Zombieland 3, Woody decides to commit suicide.

A lot of escaping apes are caught in the crossfire. Caesar attempts to blow up a fuel tank to take out the militia from behind but is shot by Preacher (Gabriel Chavarria), one of the paramilitaries he set free. Red (Ty Olsson), a "donkey", has a change of heart and kills Preacher but is immediately killed by another paramilitary. Thank you for your sacrifice, noble donkey/gorilla. Thanks to the distraction, Caesar blows the tank, triggering an avalanche that kills the militia and the army while the apes carry Nova and survive by climbing nearby trees. The apes and Nova reach the oasis. As Maurice and Caesar watch Nova and Caesar's son in their new home, Maurice discovers Caesar's wound. He promises Caesar that his son will know who Caesar was and what he did for the apes before Caesar dies...

"How many apes did we kill, giant gorilla?"
"Ten". "How many humans died doing it?"
"Twenty-seven." "Shit to hell..."

So yeah, Andy Serkis's final hurrah from the Apes reboot series. Unless he decides to show up in a flashback or some kind of Mufasa-esque mentor role to his son in the next movie. Even after Harrison Ford said he was done with Han Solo twice, he came back twice. Never say never, my friends. Certainly if the price is right.

So for War for the Planet of the Apes, I very much enjoyed this movie. It was a little dark here and there, that's for sure. Watching Woody cap an ape for Caesar's disobedience and seeing Caesar get starved/tortured is unsettling, but it's the third movie it had to get some more dark and unsettling material in there right? Couldn't go more lighthearted. Yeah forget movies like Back to the Future Part III and Return of the Jedi, doesn't have to maintain a level of comfortableness, has to get darker. Lol. I must also point out that Woody Harrelson plays a hell of a bad guy. I hated this guy's merciless guts when I was watching this movie, and seeing him get his comeuppance was all the more satisfying. That's how you know you've got a good bad guy. There was also a ton of gunplay, which in today's landscape is something you see less and less of, what with all the shootings going on in the United States. This movie didn't shy away from the final battle, watching humans and apes getting capped left and right. Pretty violent stuff here and there.

I did once again think Caesar's evolution was depicted very well in this sequel. I spoke about how in Dawn Caesar's English had developed from Rise one-two word sentences to a very broken language. Now, in War Caesar speaks perfect English and his sidekicks/subordinates speak the broken English language. It's cool to see the development proceed and watch it in action. Fascinating to see, even.

"Oooooooooh" "Bad Ape, please stop showing me
your 'oh' face." "OHHHHHHHHHHHH".

Go watch War for the Planet of the Apes, especially if you've seen Rise and Dawn. It's a lot like the third movie in most any trilogies; you don't really want to watch, but hey you've come this far. After all, you'll want to see the conclusion to the reboot series as it stands now. I very much enjoyed it, found it a little dark and a little laggy at times, but ultimately it was a fun movie and another solid sequel. So far the reboot series has impressed me more than the classic series. I just found them more gripping and a far more cohesively told story, but yes, I recommend.

...and lastly, I'll see you all in 2024 when it appears the fourth movie in the reboot series... now titled Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes... will release! Until then, peace!