Rockython: A Review of "Rocky V"

"Hey I just realized your name's 'Tommy Gunn'! Like the Tommy gun, y'know?"
"I just realized your name's Rocky, like the rocks in your head."

Now I know what you're thinking... "HOW MANY OF THESE FREAKIN' MOVIES ARE THERE?" Well... a lot. Turns out Rocky Balboa has a lot of aggression to work out. After Rocky IV, things had continued full-steam-ahead professionally for Sylvester Stallone. He finished the 80s with a slew of movies like Cobra, Over the Top, and Tango & Cash... as well as starring in not one but two more Rambo movies, Rambo: First Blood Part II (in 1985, same year as Rocky IV) and Rambo III in 1988. He was able to ride out the 80s on a high note, all things considered. By the time 1990 rolled around, Stallone decided there was no better way to kick off the decade than to revisit the small-time Philadelphia club fighter turned multi-time international boxing heavyweight champion franchise that had made him so endeared. Except this time... there was literally nothing for his character of Rocky to do or accomplish.

"Well I'd teach you how to box, kid, but I forgot how
to myself, y'know?"

Let's face it. By 1990, we had seen Rocky Balboa win the Heavyweight Championship twice, triumphing numerous times over men twice his size and coming back from near insurmountable odds on many number of occasions. With a fifth Rocky film, you'd really have to dial it all back and wonder "What the hell else is he supposed to do? Fight actual robots? Fight aliens? Fight dictators from other countries?" It honestly almost became a punchline for another Rocky movie to come out. After two drama tearjerkers followed by two action-hero sploogefests, the audience was probably completely worn out on the idea of Rocky Balboa being stricken down with something only to overcome it, his opponent, his nagging wife Adrian and triumph over it all once again. Well... I mean... with all that in mind, Rocky V is what it is. It isn't great, it may not even be "good" by some standards... but for better or worse, we got what we got. Rocky V teaches us that if you plan on "taking on the franchise back to its roots", it doesn't mean "copy the first movie's formula to a degree and pray that people aren't hoping you break new ground or send a hearty message with your story". Let's pick this movie apart and figure out just what in the HELL its message is...

"Don't worry, kid. I'll get it all back."

"Dad... you're squeezing the shit out of me."

Like the other sequels before it, Rocky V kicks off immediately where Rocky IV left off, following Rocky Balboa's (Sylvester Stallone) victory over superhuman punching machine Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) in Moscow, Rocky shows signs of physical complications suffered from the fight, mainly being unable to stop his hands from shaking, which he tells his wife Adrian (Talia Shire) is just due to fatigue... but ominous music plays up something much worse. You know... like having to fight IVAN DRAGO WHOSE PUNCHES FEEL LIKE A WRECKING BALL SLAMMING INTO YOUR SKULL--oh never mind. Anywho, Rocky, Adrian, Paulie (Burt Young), and his trainer Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), return to the United States where they are greeted by Rocky's son, Robert (Sylvester's real life son, Sage Stallone). The last time you saw Robert, he was six... maybe seven years old. That was supposedly maybe three days ago, movie time. By the time Rocky lands, Robert is already well into puberty at fourteen or older. That's minus ten points for slapping continuity down like a ho. At a press conference, boxing promoter George Washington Duke (Richard Gant) attempts to goad Rocky into fighting his boxer, Union Cane (Michael Williams), who is now the top-rated challenger. Rocky declines the offer but Duke decides to find another way.

"Thanks for washing my undies, Rocky. It's a miracle!"

"It ain't no miracle, kid. It's OxyClean."

After returning home, it is discovered that Paulie unknowingly had Rocky sign a "power of attorney" over to Rocky's accountant, who had squandered all of his money on real estate deals gone sour; in addition, the accountant had failed to pay Rocky's taxes over the previous six years, and his mansion had been mortgaged by $400,000. His lawyer confirms this, but tells Rocky that it is fixable with a few more fights. Rocky briefly considers accepting the fight with Cane, but Adrian urges him to see a doctor, and he is diagnosed with cave of septum pellucidum. He's lucky he walked away with just that and not being a crippled vegetable for the way Drago laid it onto him. Reluctantly, Rocky retires from boxing. Shortly thereafter, Rocky's home and belongings are sold to pay the debt and the Balboas move back to their old working-class neighborhood in Philadelphia. That's right; Rocky's rise to fame and triumph over Apollo, Clubber, and Drago... means literally nothing as Rocky is now brain-damaged, broke, and back living in Philadelphia. Rocky visits Mighty Mick's Gym (willed to his son by his old trainer Mickey Goldmill following his death) which has fallen into disrepair. Seeing a vision of himself and Mickey (Burgess Meredith) from years past, Rocky draws inspiration to become a trainer himself and reopens the gym.

Soon after, Rocky and Paulie meet a young fighter from Oklahoma named Tommy Gunn (Real-life boxer Tommy Morrison). Gunn impresses Rocky and Paulie in a sparring match, but ultimately proves to be too aggressive. "Too aggressive" in this case meaning beating the absolute tar out of his sparring opponent, decide everyone's pleas to stop. Gunn then suggests that Rocky become his manager, despite showing Rocky he's too hot-headed and immature to take commands. Rocky declines at first, but eventually agrees to take the young man under his wing. Training him gives Rocky a sense of purpose, and Gunn rises to become a top contender. Rocky becomes so distracted with Gunn's training, that he ends up neglecting Robert, who is being bullied at school, getting the shit kicked out of him daily for his lunch money. After learning to defend himself, Robert falls in with the wrong crowd and becomes withdrawn toward his family. This is where the movie's morals heavily fall into question; while it is satisfying to watch Robert triumph over bullies, in the end... fighting doesn't solve anything, and it shouldn't. They teach kids this and yet they'll make a movie where a sideplot is solved just by Robert kicking some kid's head in.

"So let me get this straight, you were against him fighting,

then okay, then against, then okay, now you're against?"

"Just promise me I'm dead before Rocky VI"

Meanwhile, Union Cane wins the vacant world heavyweight title. Still wanting to do business with Rocky, Washington sees Gunn's knockout streak and relationship with Rocky as a way of gaining control of him. Washington showers Gunn with luxuries and promises him that he is the only path to a shot against Union Cane for the title. On Christmas Eve, Washington then visits the Balboa house with Gunn to explain the new scenario, which would financially benefit all of them. However, Rocky insists dealing with Washington will end badly and is dirty business. Gunn drives off in a huff, leaving Rocky for good. Adrian attempts to comfort Rocky, but his frustration boils over. He confesses his life had meaning again when he was able to live vicariously through Gunn's success. She reasons with him, telling him Tommy never had his heart and spirit, something Tommy could never learn. When this realization hits him, Rocky embraces his wife and they begin to pick up the pieces. After finding Robert hanging out on a street corner smoking a cigarette, Rocky apologizes to his son and they mend their broken relationship.

That night, Gunn fights Cane for the heavyweight title as Rocky watches on television, still rooting for his protégé. Gunn wins the fight with a first round knockout but is jeered by spectators for leaving Rocky and hounded by reporters after the fight. Gunn gives all the praise and credit for his success to George Washington Duke, which only fans the flames of contempt for Gunn by the fans and media. They insist that Cane was nothing but a "paper champion" because Cane did not win the title from Balboa and therefore, beating Cane means nothing to win the title. They claim he will never be the real champion unless he fights a worthy opponent such as Rocky; they drive the point home when one reporter announces, "...A Rocky Balboa he'll never be!" Gunn's win over Cane had no such drive, passion, and animalistic determination that Rocky's fight had with Apollo to ovecome the odds. Cane was just a placeholder, and when Gunn displaced him, it showed that Gunn never really had such an opponent who could fiercely combat and even beat him in the ring. With Gunn incensed by the press's reaction, Washington convinces him that he needs to secure a title fight with Rocky to refute the notion that he is not the real champion. Washington and Gunn show up at the local bar in Philly with a live television crew to goad Rocky into accepting a title fight. Rocky declines and tries to reason with him, but Gunn rebukes it and calls him weak, prompting Paulie to stand up for Rocky. When Gunn punches Paulie out, a now angered Rocky, fed up with Gunn’s behavior, challenges Gunn to a street fight, telling him, "My ring is outside."

"Yo, don't hit the old lady like that!"

"Rocky, this isn't what they mean by 'hitting the bag'."

...and what? Excuse me? A street fight? What's that going to solve? Why's that the way to go, movie? A title fight to me would make more sense. I guess they didn't want this movie being like eleventy hours long. Already one hour and thirty minutes in, they wouldn't want to tack on Rocky breaking it to Adrian that he's going to fight Tommy in the ring, train up for it, and then take a beating from Tommt while he already had brain damage. Plus the "breaking it to Adrian, training and fighting to win" shtick had been done in Rocky IV, so it really once again proves that there was nothing more for him to do, and despite Washington's warnings to keep the fight in the ring, Gunn accepts. Out in the street, Rocky quickly knocks him to the ground with a flurry of punches, but Tommy gets up and attacks Rocky from behind, seizing the upper hand. Rocky is seemingly beaten down before he hears the voice of Mickey urging him to get up and continue the fight, to go "one more round", a scene often parodied, especially in South Park. Rocky gets up and, with Robert, Paulie, and the neighborhood crowd cheering him on, he defeats his former protégé. While Gunn is escorted away by the police, Washington threatens to sue Rocky if he touches him. After a brief hesitation, Rocky knocks him onto the hood of a car and quips, "Sue me for what?" In the end, this fight solves nothing. Tommy's still the champion, and Rocky's still broke living in Philly... but I guess it proves Tommy's a dunce? I guess? Did we really need to have a street fight to prove that? Months later, Rocky and Robert explore the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and Rocky gives his son Rocky Marciano's cufflink, given to him years ago as a gift from Mickey that he was originally going to give to Tommy. The film ends with a shot of Rocky's statue looking out over the Philadelphia skyline...

"Thank you so much for coming, Stevie. I must say,

you're much whiter in person!"

This was actually going to be the definitive end of Rocky for a long time. Not only does the movie's end credits play with the sweet music of Elton John's "Measure of a Man", but it also includes images from all five Rocky films, showing us the journey we've come along on over the past (at the time) fourteen years. Not only that, but Stallone was also toying with the idea of actually killing off Rocky. That's right. The iconic world champion prizefighter seen as a symbol of inspiration and perseverance would die at the end and the series would be capped. The plan was that Rocky would die in an ambulance on its way to the hospital with Adrian by his side, and at the hospital, she would have announced to the world of his passing and his spirit would live on with a final flashback of the famous scene of him running up the steps. You think robbing Rocky of his money and moving him back to Philly was cheap? Thankfully, Stallone ultimately abandoned this concept and rewrote the ending to the way it is in the movie now. Plus, in tone with showcasing Drago's punching power from Rocky IV, Sylvester Stallone originally planned to make the effects of Rocky's brain damage in the movie much more visible and painful to see, but altered these plans after watching a few days of footage because the sight of Rocky like that was "like seeing your favorite dog with dysplasia.", according to Stallone himself. Thank goodness we dodged that too... that would've been unpleasant. It turns out that Rocky's brain damage as depicted in the movie isn't even that awful, either. In the years since the film has come out, Stallone stated that he discussed the story with many boxing medical professionals and the injury Rocky suffered was a milder form of brain damage, "similar to that of a long-term concussion that many boxers suffer from, and by modern-day standards are still able to gain licenses to box." It would not have prevented Rocky from gaining a license to box, nor would it have killed him.

"What do we say when we need to retire from brain damage?"

"Yo Adrian, I did it?" "Not even close, please retire."

Originally intended as a trilogy, undone by Rocky IV and now Rocky V, the Rocky saga has gone through its ups and downs, and unfortunately, Rocky V is definitely where the series bottoms out. I still like a lot of aspects of it. I feel like most people should, but there are highly questionable story choices at play here. For one thing, using the "power of attorney" financial kerfluffle as a way to drag the series back to its roots is both fulfilling but cheap. It brings the series full-circle, pays homage to the original two drama films, and lets us get re-acquainted with how Rocky originally was. It was even the first movie since Rocky to not be directed by Sylvester Stallone. Instead, original Rocky director John Avildsen was brought back in, and this is why the movie feels very sentimental and nostalgic. However, its so cheap to have Rocky return to his roots too. For all we've seen Rocky rise up and conquer in the previous films, its robbing to have it all taken away from him and to give him brain damage so that he can't rise up and get it all back again. Also, need I mention again how odd it is to have these sets of morals? "Fighting" being the moral of the story is a pretty meat-headed way to tell a story and definitely is in sync with Rocky III and Rocky IV, which were more action-oriented movies. Rocky IV suffers from this flaw too, but at least at the end of Rocky IV you get a sense that Rocky's helping to unite two warring countries. Never mind the fact that Drago is still a monster and Apollo is still dead. This movie ends up trying to mix the bag of Avildsen's drama and Stallone's action, a mix of Rocky's I and II with Rocky's III and IV and it is an awkwardly-paced mess. The street fight at the end is either make or break for people; it either pays off or it doesn't. I enjoy it for its brutality and its pacing, but the crowd members hollering random nonsense while Rocky punches Tommy out just distracts me and makes me laugh.

... but much like Rocky, and much to the annoyance of some readers, no doubt, we're not done yet... not by a long shot!