Rockython: A Review of "Rocky IV"

*Initiating pain.exe* "Yo, what was that, Drago?"

Rocky was a triumph. It was an underdog story about an unknown club fighter who could go the distance with the heavyweight champion of the world, and while he didn't succeed, he won the hearts of millions. Rocky II gave him a second shot, showing that even through the adversity of his comatose wife and eye damage, he was able to once again go the distance and this time, triumph over the champ and secure his place in history as the Heavyweight Champion of the world. Rocky III showed him what it was like to be on top only for someone hungrier than him for a long time show up and take it all, while watching his trainer and mentor die before the fight. When all seemed lost, an old foe rose up and trained him back up to face-off against the hungry young blood and triumph once again...

So what was left for him to do?

The Terminator told us to fear robots. Rocky IV told us
to buy one for your drunk brother-in-law.

Well... known colloquially as "the one where he fights the Russian", this is Rocky IV; a movie that teaches us that a story can be cliche and characters can be goofy caricatures of themselves as long as we have a kick-ass 80s soundtrack. That's right, Rocky IV has the pristine notoriety of being not only the most un-Rocky-like entry in the series, but definitely the goofiest and most "80s" one. Rocky III put its legs in the shallow end of the pool of absurdity, testing the waters on what it could do and what it can't do... Rocky IV dove into the deep end head first. It's the first Rocky film without Burgess Meredith as Mickey, the first one that didn't utilize "Gonna Fly Now" for a training montage (though a few bars can be heard), the third to be written by, directed by and star Sylvester Stallone, and the fourth and final for Carl Weathers. Aside from having a story that is either recycled or cliche... or hell, why not both... its also the shortest movie in the saga at a sparse ninety-one minutes. On top of that, with the robotic nature of the Russian's character, how he trains, his punching power and how he talks; he's almost like a cyborg. It's literally trying to tell you that the Russian is a cyborg. I'm not sure if this movie's a drama, an action movie, or a science-fiction story. You think I may be setting up the movie to shit all over it... but it's actually one of the more beloved of the entire franchise. How? How is this cheese-fest so worshiped and appreciated? Well let's pile in and see how this one holds up.

"Yo Adrian, you went from disapproving of me fighting, to
 approving of me fighting, back to disapproving of it again.
You switch up faster than a politician."

After having reclaimed the world championship title from Clubber Lang (Mr. T) at the end of Rocky III, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) plans to retire and spend time with his family. Well every movie so far has had mention of him retiring some way or another, so why stop the trend? After an opening to the movie which sees Rocky give his brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) a fucking ROBOT as a present (That's one point for "80s", one for "Sci-Fi"), Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), a Soviet boxer, arrives in the United States with his wife, Ludmilla (Brigitte Nielsen), a Soviet swimmer and a team of trainers from the Soviet Union and Cuba. How about that? They got two of the most-renowned mumble-mouth, dead-pan actors in history to play the two villains. How exciting! Still, this is a good performance by both of them, even for Brigitte, who would somehow lose her chops to talk in Red Sonja while Dolph would go on to actually speak in Masters of the Universe. His manager, Nicolai Koloff (Michael Pataki) takes every opportunity to promote Drago's athleticism as a hallmark of Soviet superiority.

"Rock-a-bye Apollo in the tree top..."
"He's dead, sir. Please unhand the carcass."

Speaking of Drago's training, there's a scene where Koloff claims that Ivan is much stronger than any fighter he could face, claiming an average fighter's punch power is "Seven hundred pounds of pressure per square inch", and has Drago demonstrate his punch power of "Eighteen hundred and fifty pounds". Online, I am told this is the equivalent of a shotgun blast recoil slamming into your skull... at every inch of Drago's fist, with each of Drago's punches... Assuming the impact area on his opponent's face is four inches, that's upwards of seven thousand, four hundred PSI... over three tons, nearly four, of impact weight onto someone's head. That's not all; later on in the movie, it's shown that Drago's punch power goes up to a whopping "Twenty-one hundred and fifty pounds", which would make the impact strength well over four tons. That's easily a neck-breaking level of power. That's a skull-crushing, brain-mushing, life-ending power in a punch... and that's every punch we see Drago throw. So, basically speaking... that is another point for "Sci-Fi" movie. Koloff ends the scene by sinisterly saying "Whatever he hits, he destroys"... which is a fair assessment. Be it humans, cars, trucks, concrete blocks, entire skyscrapers. It feels like anything would fall at the hands of Drago.

"Yo, what's the weather like up there, flattop?"
"I must break you." "Geez, tough crowd, y'know?"

Motivated by patriotism and an innate desire to prove himself, the long-retired former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) challenges Drago to an exhibition bout, despite the Russians' desire to have Drago kill... I mean... "fight" Rocky. Apollo asks Rocky to train him for his last fight against Drago, and while Rocky has reservations, he agrees to train Apollo despite his misgivings about the match. During a press conference regarding the match, hostility sparks between Apollo's and Drago's respective camps. The boxing exhibition takes place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Apollo enters the ring in an over-the-top patriotic entrance with James Brown performing "Living in America" complete with showgirls. That is Song #1 on our Epic Rocky IV Playlist of Epicness. The bout starts tamely with Apollo landing several punches that are ineffective against Drago, but Drago suddenly retaliates by... oh, how do kids put it these days... "Reking" Apollo's shit. Punch after punch of three-and-a-half ton's worth of ballistic blows. Rather than dying like a normal human, Apollo makes it to the end of the first round. In the corner, Rocky and Apollo's trainer, Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), plead with him to give up, but a battered Apollo refuses to do so and tells Rocky to not stop the match "no matter what." Drago continues to pummel him in the second round and Duke begs Rocky to throw in the towel. Rocky honors Apollo’s wishes, which allows Drago to land one final punch on Apollo, knocking him out... a beating which does in fact eventually kill him. In the aftermath, Drago displays no sense of contrition, commenting to the assembled media: "If he dies, he dies."

"Ivan is quite the butcher, my dear. Is he always this brutal?"
"Yes! He fights by day, and by night, he's a phone-in
marriage counselor on the radio."

This is where the movie switches gears and, by a lot of people's accounts, becomes predictably cheesy and stupid. Enraged by guilt and the Soviets' cold indifference, Rocky decides to challenge Drago himself, vacating the Heavyweight Championship in a deleted scene order to do so. The theatrical cut makes a passing reference to him doing so. Drago's camp agrees to an unsanctioned 15-round fight in the Soviet Union on Christmas Day, an arrangement meant to protect Drago from the threats of violence he has been receiving in the U.S. I don't see what they're so afraid of; the people making the death threats are humans while Drago is practically Sauron with the One Ring tucked under his glove. Rocky travels to the Soviet Union without Adrian due to her disapproval of the match. Who can blame her? Rocky's challenging a dude that he watched kill Apollo with his punching power, and he's like "Sure, I could take him, y'know?" Setting up his training base in a remote cabin in Krasnogourbinsk (Say that five-times fast) with only Duke and Paulie to accompany him. Duke opens up to Rocky, stating that he actually raised Apollo and that his death felt like a father losing his son, and expresses his faith in Rocky that he will emerge victorious. So... again, I don't know who they think they're going to fight... because Drago would basically knock Rocky's head clear out into the crowd... but if I point this out every time, I'm going to be here all night. To prepare for the match, Drago uses high-tech equipment, a team of trainers and doctors monitoring his every movement, and regular doses of anabolic steroids (the TWIST). Rocky, on the other hand, does roadwork in hip-deep snow over mountainous terrain and workouts utilizing antiquated farm equipment. Adrian arrives unexpectedly to give Rocky her support, which gives Rocky a new vigor... so that's one point for "Drama movie".

"Ey yo, Paulie! Throw the bricks away. This sled's too heavy!"
"There ain't any bricks on the sled, Rocko. Just me!"
"You could stand to lose a few pounds, Paulie."

Before the match, Drago is introduced with an elaborate patriotic ceremony, with the Soviet general secretary Mikhail Gorbachev (David Lloyd Austin) and the Politburo in attendance. They even have  a scene of the Soviet National Anthem, AKA "Every millennial internet shitposter's favorite music". Present company INcluded. The home crowd is squarely on Drago's side and hostile to Rocky. In contrast to his match with Apollo, Drago immediately goes on the offensive. Rocky takes a fierce pounding in the first round, but goes on the offensive toward the end of the second round after landing a brutal right hook that cuts Drago's left eye, stunning both Drago and the crowd. Duke encourages Rocky by reminding him that he just proved Drago is a man and not a machine as he’s been made out to be... whether through his portrayal or his conditioning, you pick. In contrast, Drago comments to his trainers that Rocky "is not human, he is like a piece of iron," after his trainers reprimand him for his performance against the "weak" American.

"Rocky! It's good to see you're in one piece!"
"Yo, who said that? What year is it? Who's Rocky?"
"--nearly in one piece."

The two boxers spend the next dozen rounds trading blows, with Rocky managing to continually hold his ground despite Drago's best efforts. This begs the question that HOW... in the name of HELL... can Rocky last fifteen rounds against this kind of supposed power after Apollo died in a round and a half. It makes zero sense, and the movie makes no mention to try and explain its chicanery. Rocky's resilience and determination rallies the previously hostile Soviet crowd to his side. After being berated by Koloff, Drago rebels, throwing him from the ring and directly addressing Gorbachev, stating he fights only for himself. In the final round, with both fighters exhausted, Rocky initially takes more punishment, then seizes an opening and unleashes a series of vicious blows to defeat Drago by knockout.... again, SOMEHOW. Rocky gives a winded victory speech, acknowledging that the local crowd's disdain of him had turned to mutual respect during the fight. Rocky finally declares, "If I can change and you can change, everybody can change!" The Soviet premier stands up and reluctantly applauds Rocky, and his aides follow suit. Rocky ends his speech by wishing his son watching the match on TV a Merry Christmas, and raises his arms into the air in victory as the crowd applauds... probably helping to end the actual Cold War in progress by the time this movie came out. Yet... did Rocky pledge financial support to Russia as soon as Chernobyl exploded? Hmm. Never got that answer did we?

Anywho, what do I think of Rocky IV? Well, despite it being a story about avenging a close friend's death and helping to unite two world powers who were at one time ready to kill each other with their nuclear ordinances, it definitely lacks the emotional impact of the previous three Rocky films. While it is nice to have Rocky triumph over Drago to avenge Apollo, the absolute ludicrousness of some of the plot elements are so distracting, I can't even really wrap my head around the emotion. It just feels like a very rushed, incomplete movie. Ninety-one minutes of runtime, twenty-three of them are dedicated to montages. I'm not kidding. There's the opening montage of Rocky beating Clubber Lang, there's the montage of Rocky's drive after Apollo dies, there's Rocky and Drago's first training montage, their second, and then the montage of rounds three to fourteen. That's five montages in a ninety-one minute movie. That is ridiculous. On top of that, the robo-science-technology they shove in your face showing how Drago trains is nice and all to show the Soviet Union's abuse of power by utilizing Drago as nothing more than a drug puppet, but it too makes the movie feel more like your run of the mill 80s science-fiction film.

"YO, THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIVE, WITH THE
SOUND OF DRAAAAGOOOOO!!!!!"

Also, again, there's no way either Rocky or Apollo would survive against Drago in a real boxing match, should a man named Drago ever be able to punch that hard. I'd say the filmmakers either wanted Drago to be truly superhuman and tip the movies' scales of ridiculousness, or simply confused PSI with simple force. At least they did right by Apollo to kill him, showing Drago's power, but that sure as hell doesn't explain how Rocky is not only able to last fifteen three-minute rounds with Drago beating the shit out of him like he slept with his wife or kicked his dog in front of him, but also able to outlast Drago on stamina and beat him by knockout. I guess there's something to be said, because in reality; Dolph Lundgren could punch pretty hard. Stallone on Jimmy Fallon told the story of how Dolph Lundgren put him in the hospital filming Rocky IV. After doing three takes of Rocky taking shots to ribs from Drago, Stallone felt a burning in his chest, but ignored it. Later on, he had difficulty breathing and was taken to a nearby ER. It was discovered that his blood pressure was over two hundred and he had to be flown on a low-altitude flight from Canada to St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica, where he remained in intensive care for four days. What happened? Well, Dolph Lungren had punched him so hard in the chest that his heart had slammed up against the inside of his breastbone and began to swell, cutting off the blood supply and restricting the oxygen flow throughout the body. Talk about suffering for your art.

Still though, the movies were a lot simpler when Rocky was just a club fighter from Philadelphia who was dabbling in the Heavyweight title scene. This, while entertaining and a lot of fun, goes way overboard on the ridiculousness factor. Rocky IV is definitely on the "popcorn entertainment" side of movie value. It isn't going to win any Oscars, but I'd be lying if I said it still isn't a ton of fun... which makes it a pretty re-watchable movie. You have a great soundtrack, a nice runtime, and some good drama, even if it is hammy. Really for this, you just to shut your brain off for a lot of it. Kind of like what Drago did to Rocky... but MORE ON THAT LATER... Our final score? One point "Drama", one point "80s", two points "Sci-Fi". It's like a cocktail... a very hard-hitting cocktail.