Rockython: A Review of "Rocky Balboa"

"OW, Sly! You didn't even say 'Action!'" "Yo, this is boxing! Ain't no 'yellin action'!"

Well... can you believe we're still not all the way done? You know, some franchises, it's understood will just never die. Star Wars... Star Trek... Marvel... even Halloween will continue making sequels until it becomes comical again. Even after it was already comical following Halloween: Resurrection. In all honesty, though; how many times can Rocky Balboa come through from nothing, challenge the odds, overcome adversity and win it all while simultaneously sticking it to his opponent and winning the hearts of millions? Just how many times? It's going to become comical at this point, isn't it? Just how hilarious it would be for Rocky Balboa to climb into the ring at his age to fight and defeat someone who's like half his age?

Hey Burt Young, how many Rocky movies have you been in?

Following Rocky V in 1990, which suffered a lukewarm reception at best and becoming the first Rocky film to lose money at the box office, aging action star Sylvester Stallone saw it as the cap on his saga and to the character that brought him fame and fortune as not only an actor, but as a writer and a director as well. The nineties wore on, and Stallone would have a slew of so-so movies that failed to make much of an impact... either at all or not until years later. In 1993, he played a time-traveling cop in Demolition Man who wakes up in 2032 to find society radically and comedically different than he remembers it (lookin' at you "three seashells"). In 1995, he played another form of a police officer in the lesser-known comic book film Judge Dredd. In 1998, he voiced one of the main characters in Dreamworks' A Bug's Life rip-off, Antz. In 2003, he has a role as a the main villain in Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. Despite all these roles, Stallone's career was waning as he was reaching his late fifties, soon to be the big 6-0 by 2006.

Still, there was always the persistent rumor of "one more Rocky" as soon as the late 90s, when a script by Stallone was rumored to have existed. The project was pitched and offered and pitched again throughout the early 2000s, but the studios said the same thing Stallone's fans, friends... and even admittedly his own family had said... "he's too old". To play Rocky Balboa again, Stallone would have to shape the story around Rocky's age or have the story not be about Rocky, but about someone Rocky is training. Well... well know they tried that once with Rocky V and it wasn't very good, but they would later succeed doing it with Creed... BUT Stallone chose option A. Rocky Balboa would finally see release in December 2006... and quite frankly? To me? It's a masterpiece. One on par with the first film. Let's figure out why.

"Alright, first question."
"Yes, Antonio? How did a sixty-year-old man get in better
shape for this movie than you?"
"That's enough questions, thank you."

Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), now in his early sixties, has been facing some changing times in his life over the passing years. He now runs a small but successful Italian restaurant named after his wife Adrian (Talia Shire), who died from ovarian cancer four years prior. He also battles personal demons from his grief over Adrian's death, and his eroding relationship with his son Robert (Milo Ventilator... Venison... Veronica... SOMETHING), now a struggling corporate employee. Paulie (Burt Young), Rocky's best friend and brother-in-law, continues to support him whenever he can, but is constantly guilt-ridden over his past poor treatment towards his late sister and accuses Rocky of living in the past during their annual trip of nostalgia around their Philadelphia stomping grounds, including Rocky's first apartment from Rocky, the torn-down hockey rink where he took Adrian on their first date, the pet store where he met her, and even Mighty Mick's gynasium right next door. Following Rocky and Paulie's disagreement over the trip, Rocky meets a woman named Marie (Geraldine Hughes), who was once a troublesome young girl Rocky had escorted home thirty years ago... "Li'l Marie" from Rocky. Marie is now a single parent of a teenage son born out of wedlock named Stephenson, nicknamed "Steps" (James Francis Kelly III). Rocky's friendship with Marie quickly blossoms over the following weeks and he meets and bonds with Steps, providing him a much-needed buffer for his anguish.

"Sly, you gave me my script but all my lines say 'Adrian'."
"Yo, just cross her out and write your name. Same bit."

Meanwhile, on the professional boxing circuit, Mason "The Line" Dixon (real-life boxing champion Antonio Tarver) reigns as the undefeated yet unpopular heavyweight world champion, often ridiculed for having never fought a true contender. Basically LeBron. That's who he is... if LeBron were a boxer, it would be this guy. This leads to tension with the public and his promoters, and encourages him to return to his roots: the small gym he first trained in, as well as his old trainer Marvin who sagely tells him that, inevitably, he will earn back his respect through a true opponent that will test him. ESPN later broadcasts a computer simulation of a fight between Rocky (During his ferocious fighting form of Rocky II) and Mason—likened to a modern-day version of The Super Fight between Muhammad Ali and Rocky Marciano—that ends in a disputed KO victory for Balboa, further riling the champ. In contrast, the simulation inspires Rocky to take up boxing again; an intention that goes public when he successfully renews his boxing license. Dixon's promoters thus pitch the idea of holding a charity exhibition bout at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas to bolster Dixon's floundering popularity.

"Yo, makes sense they demolished this joint. Who even
remembers the Philadelphia Flyers?"

With some hesitation, both men agree to the match, creating a media buzz that stabs at Rocky's age and Dixon's credibility. Robert later makes an effort to discourage Rocky from fighting, blaming his own personal failings on his father's celebrity shadow, but Rocky rebukes him with some profound, inspiring advice about how blaming others won't help him succeed in life. Probably in one of the greatest monologues in a sports movie anywhere, proving that Stallone's still got the acting chops to inspire anybody. The next day, father and son meet over Adrian's grave and reconcile. Robert has quit his job to be at Rocky's side. Rocky sets straight to training with Apollo Creed's (and later his) old trainer, Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), who quickly surmises that the slow and arthritic Rocky can only compete by building his strength and punching power as much as possible. Basically becoming a tank to combat Dixon's Jeep.

They came. They saw. They... really did nothing,
but hey, it was great having them around!

The bout itself is presented like a real HBO fight. It uses real commentators and analysts, real boxing referee Joe Cortez, and even Michael Buffer makes the opening introductions. Not going to lie, hearing Michael "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" Buffer introduce Rocky Balboa is still awesome to hear. The fight is a back and forth affair, with Dixon easily dominating the first round, only to injure his left hand in the second one on Rocky's hip. Rocky then makes a dramatic comeback, knocking Mason down, and surprising the audience with his prowess and chin despite his age. The two combatants beat each other severely throughout the full ten rounds, ending with both men still standing, although Rocky gets the last punch. Rocky thanks an appreciative Dixon for the match and tells him that he is a great champion, while the audience applauds the two fighters. The result mimics the first Rocky film, bringing the saga full-circle, as it is announced as Rocky exits the ring with his family and friends: a win for Dixon by a close split decision, but Rocky clearly doesn't mind the outcome and the crowd gives him a final standing ovation to chants of “Rocky”. In the closing shot, Rocky returns home and visits Adrian's grave again, thanking her for helping him; "Yo Adrian, we did it. We did it." before standing up and fading away in the background after giving the screen one last wave...

"Hi! Neither Zion nor LeBron played today,

so we're going to broadcast a simulated

'past-and-present-collide' boxing match like we're

NBA 2K or some shit. You're watching SportsCenter."

After feeling like he'd jipped both moviegoers and himself with Rocky V, Rocky Balboa comes off as a love letter from Stallone. Much of the movie is nostalgic and pays homage to the saga that has brought so much people joy and has inspired many generations of fans. The movie even made a point to break the naming convention of the saga thus far; it would have been called Rocky VI, but chose to go with the character's full name. I agree with it; if it was called Rocky VI, it would have just felt like another sequel. It probably wouldn't have had that big of an impact by far. It's even the first sequel that doesn't open with a flashback/recap of the previous movie. Given the story we're told, it makes logical sense. Rocky V's street fight with Tommy Gunn has zero bearing on anything that happens in this movie, so it would've ultimately felt out of place. The movie also does away with Rocky's brain damage dealt to him by Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, and even makes no mention of Rocky's eye injury at the hands of Apollo Creed in Rocky. The only factor against Rocky in this movie is his age, and it's something Stallone himself was going through during the production of this movie. Not only that, but this was also the first Rocky movie to have no Adrian: Rocky's wife, his muse and his reason for being. It's true that Adrian was alive in the first few drafts of the script. However, Stallone felt that the film was lacking the necessary emotional impact it needed. So, he and Talia Shire came to an agreement that her character would be best left out of the film, as this would create an emotional chasm for Rocky from the very first moment of the film. To be fair, I think Talia was championing it. She has a quote on her IMDb page that kind of sums up her feelings on the Rocky sequels: "I have a feeling when I'm eighty years old I'm going to get a phone call: There's going to be another Rocky." Kinda tells us all we need to know. Ha.

Rocky Balboa is one hell of a love-letter movie. It didn't need to exist, it didn't need to be made, but Stallone wanted one last hurrah, one last go in the ring. Much like the character he's played for so many years. The entire plot of the movie revolves around Rocky having this "beast inside of him" that he needs to get out, and by the end of the ten-round bout with Mason, Rocky tells Paulie that the "beast is gone". This must've very much been like what Stallone was like. One more shot, and to do it right, and it does. Rocky Balboa, to me, is the best out of all of them. On the same level with Rocky. It's got all the heart, some of the best writing, arguably the best fight out of all of them (Rocky II is hard to top), and even has a better villain than Rocky. You gotta remember, Apollo Creed didn't become a likable character until Rocky II onward. In Rocky, Apollo was kind of a background character; the main antagonist, sure... but he wasn't fleshed out very well and was kind of just stock. Rocky was definitely mostly about Rocky and Apollo wouldn't get humanization until Rocky II. In Rocky Balboa, it's telling two fighters' pursuit stories here: Rocky's story to get the beast out of him, to have one last fight and walk away... and it also tells Mason Dixon's story of wanting recognition to beat someone with name value who can bring admiration and respect to his career. Getting both of those stories intertwined with Robert's redemption and rebuilding his relationship with Rocky, Paulie coming to terms with Adrian's passing, and Marie's championing Rocky on in what would typically be Adrian's role... you get one masterpiece of a movie. Ten out of ten. Well done... and a definitive cap indeed. Probably my one and only complaint is that "Mason 'The Line' Dixon" is one clown-ass name for a dude...

...

VENTIMIGLIA, THAT WAS IT.

Rockython: A Review of "Rocky V"

"Hey I just realized your name's 'Tommy Gunn'! Like the Tommy gun, y'know?"
"I just realized your name's Rocky, like the rocks in your head."

Now I know what you're thinking... "HOW MANY OF THESE FREAKIN' MOVIES ARE THERE?" Well... a lot. Turns out Rocky Balboa has a lot of aggression to work out. After Rocky IV, things had continued full-steam-ahead professionally for Sylvester Stallone. He finished the 80s with a slew of movies like Cobra, Over the Top, and Tango & Cash... as well as starring in not one but two more Rambo movies, Rambo: First Blood Part II (in 1985, same year as Rocky IV) and Rambo III in 1988. He was able to ride out the 80s on a high note, all things considered. By the time 1990 rolled around, Stallone decided there was no better way to kick off the decade than to revisit the small-time Philadelphia club fighter turned multi-time international boxing heavyweight champion franchise that had made him so endeared. Except this time... there was literally nothing for his character of Rocky to do or accomplish.

"Well I'd teach you how to box, kid, but I forgot how
to myself, y'know?"

Let's face it. By 1990, we had seen Rocky Balboa win the Heavyweight Championship twice, triumphing numerous times over men twice his size and coming back from near insurmountable odds on many number of occasions. With a fifth Rocky film, you'd really have to dial it all back and wonder "What the hell else is he supposed to do? Fight actual robots? Fight aliens? Fight dictators from other countries?" It honestly almost became a punchline for another Rocky movie to come out. After two drama tearjerkers followed by two action-hero sploogefests, the audience was probably completely worn out on the idea of Rocky Balboa being stricken down with something only to overcome it, his opponent, his nagging wife Adrian and triumph over it all once again. Well... I mean... with all that in mind, Rocky V is what it is. It isn't great, it may not even be "good" by some standards... but for better or worse, we got what we got. Rocky V teaches us that if you plan on "taking on the franchise back to its roots", it doesn't mean "copy the first movie's formula to a degree and pray that people aren't hoping you break new ground or send a hearty message with your story". Let's pick this movie apart and figure out just what in the HELL its message is...

"Don't worry, kid. I'll get it all back."

"Dad... you're squeezing the shit out of me."

Like the other sequels before it, Rocky V kicks off immediately where Rocky IV left off, following Rocky Balboa's (Sylvester Stallone) victory over superhuman punching machine Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) in Moscow, Rocky shows signs of physical complications suffered from the fight, mainly being unable to stop his hands from shaking, which he tells his wife Adrian (Talia Shire) is just due to fatigue... but ominous music plays up something much worse. You know... like having to fight IVAN DRAGO WHOSE PUNCHES FEEL LIKE A WRECKING BALL SLAMMING INTO YOUR SKULL--oh never mind. Anywho, Rocky, Adrian, Paulie (Burt Young), and his trainer Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), return to the United States where they are greeted by Rocky's son, Robert (Sylvester's real life son, Sage Stallone). The last time you saw Robert, he was six... maybe seven years old. That was supposedly maybe three days ago, movie time. By the time Rocky lands, Robert is already well into puberty at fourteen or older. That's minus ten points for slapping continuity down like a ho. At a press conference, boxing promoter George Washington Duke (Richard Gant) attempts to goad Rocky into fighting his boxer, Union Cane (Michael Williams), who is now the top-rated challenger. Rocky declines the offer but Duke decides to find another way.

"Thanks for washing my undies, Rocky. It's a miracle!"

"It ain't no miracle, kid. It's OxyClean."

After returning home, it is discovered that Paulie unknowingly had Rocky sign a "power of attorney" over to Rocky's accountant, who had squandered all of his money on real estate deals gone sour; in addition, the accountant had failed to pay Rocky's taxes over the previous six years, and his mansion had been mortgaged by $400,000. His lawyer confirms this, but tells Rocky that it is fixable with a few more fights. Rocky briefly considers accepting the fight with Cane, but Adrian urges him to see a doctor, and he is diagnosed with cave of septum pellucidum. He's lucky he walked away with just that and not being a crippled vegetable for the way Drago laid it onto him. Reluctantly, Rocky retires from boxing. Shortly thereafter, Rocky's home and belongings are sold to pay the debt and the Balboas move back to their old working-class neighborhood in Philadelphia. That's right; Rocky's rise to fame and triumph over Apollo, Clubber, and Drago... means literally nothing as Rocky is now brain-damaged, broke, and back living in Philadelphia. Rocky visits Mighty Mick's Gym (willed to his son by his old trainer Mickey Goldmill following his death) which has fallen into disrepair. Seeing a vision of himself and Mickey (Burgess Meredith) from years past, Rocky draws inspiration to become a trainer himself and reopens the gym.

Soon after, Rocky and Paulie meet a young fighter from Oklahoma named Tommy Gunn (Real-life boxer Tommy Morrison). Gunn impresses Rocky and Paulie in a sparring match, but ultimately proves to be too aggressive. "Too aggressive" in this case meaning beating the absolute tar out of his sparring opponent, decide everyone's pleas to stop. Gunn then suggests that Rocky become his manager, despite showing Rocky he's too hot-headed and immature to take commands. Rocky declines at first, but eventually agrees to take the young man under his wing. Training him gives Rocky a sense of purpose, and Gunn rises to become a top contender. Rocky becomes so distracted with Gunn's training, that he ends up neglecting Robert, who is being bullied at school, getting the shit kicked out of him daily for his lunch money. After learning to defend himself, Robert falls in with the wrong crowd and becomes withdrawn toward his family. This is where the movie's morals heavily fall into question; while it is satisfying to watch Robert triumph over bullies, in the end... fighting doesn't solve anything, and it shouldn't. They teach kids this and yet they'll make a movie where a sideplot is solved just by Robert kicking some kid's head in.

"So let me get this straight, you were against him fighting,

then okay, then against, then okay, now you're against?"

"Just promise me I'm dead before Rocky VI"

Meanwhile, Union Cane wins the vacant world heavyweight title. Still wanting to do business with Rocky, Washington sees Gunn's knockout streak and relationship with Rocky as a way of gaining control of him. Washington showers Gunn with luxuries and promises him that he is the only path to a shot against Union Cane for the title. On Christmas Eve, Washington then visits the Balboa house with Gunn to explain the new scenario, which would financially benefit all of them. However, Rocky insists dealing with Washington will end badly and is dirty business. Gunn drives off in a huff, leaving Rocky for good. Adrian attempts to comfort Rocky, but his frustration boils over. He confesses his life had meaning again when he was able to live vicariously through Gunn's success. She reasons with him, telling him Tommy never had his heart and spirit, something Tommy could never learn. When this realization hits him, Rocky embraces his wife and they begin to pick up the pieces. After finding Robert hanging out on a street corner smoking a cigarette, Rocky apologizes to his son and they mend their broken relationship.

That night, Gunn fights Cane for the heavyweight title as Rocky watches on television, still rooting for his protégé. Gunn wins the fight with a first round knockout but is jeered by spectators for leaving Rocky and hounded by reporters after the fight. Gunn gives all the praise and credit for his success to George Washington Duke, which only fans the flames of contempt for Gunn by the fans and media. They insist that Cane was nothing but a "paper champion" because Cane did not win the title from Balboa and therefore, beating Cane means nothing to win the title. They claim he will never be the real champion unless he fights a worthy opponent such as Rocky; they drive the point home when one reporter announces, "...A Rocky Balboa he'll never be!" Gunn's win over Cane had no such drive, passion, and animalistic determination that Rocky's fight had with Apollo to ovecome the odds. Cane was just a placeholder, and when Gunn displaced him, it showed that Gunn never really had such an opponent who could fiercely combat and even beat him in the ring. With Gunn incensed by the press's reaction, Washington convinces him that he needs to secure a title fight with Rocky to refute the notion that he is not the real champion. Washington and Gunn show up at the local bar in Philly with a live television crew to goad Rocky into accepting a title fight. Rocky declines and tries to reason with him, but Gunn rebukes it and calls him weak, prompting Paulie to stand up for Rocky. When Gunn punches Paulie out, a now angered Rocky, fed up with Gunn’s behavior, challenges Gunn to a street fight, telling him, "My ring is outside."

"Yo, don't hit the old lady like that!"

"Rocky, this isn't what they mean by 'hitting the bag'."

...and what? Excuse me? A street fight? What's that going to solve? Why's that the way to go, movie? A title fight to me would make more sense. I guess they didn't want this movie being like eleventy hours long. Already one hour and thirty minutes in, they wouldn't want to tack on Rocky breaking it to Adrian that he's going to fight Tommy in the ring, train up for it, and then take a beating from Tommt while he already had brain damage. Plus the "breaking it to Adrian, training and fighting to win" shtick had been done in Rocky IV, so it really once again proves that there was nothing more for him to do, and despite Washington's warnings to keep the fight in the ring, Gunn accepts. Out in the street, Rocky quickly knocks him to the ground with a flurry of punches, but Tommy gets up and attacks Rocky from behind, seizing the upper hand. Rocky is seemingly beaten down before he hears the voice of Mickey urging him to get up and continue the fight, to go "one more round", a scene often parodied, especially in South Park. Rocky gets up and, with Robert, Paulie, and the neighborhood crowd cheering him on, he defeats his former protégé. While Gunn is escorted away by the police, Washington threatens to sue Rocky if he touches him. After a brief hesitation, Rocky knocks him onto the hood of a car and quips, "Sue me for what?" In the end, this fight solves nothing. Tommy's still the champion, and Rocky's still broke living in Philly... but I guess it proves Tommy's a dunce? I guess? Did we really need to have a street fight to prove that? Months later, Rocky and Robert explore the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and Rocky gives his son Rocky Marciano's cufflink, given to him years ago as a gift from Mickey that he was originally going to give to Tommy. The film ends with a shot of Rocky's statue looking out over the Philadelphia skyline...

"Thank you so much for coming, Stevie. I must say,

you're much whiter in person!"

This was actually going to be the definitive end of Rocky for a long time. Not only does the movie's end credits play with the sweet music of Elton John's "Measure of a Man", but it also includes images from all five Rocky films, showing us the journey we've come along on over the past (at the time) fourteen years. Not only that, but Stallone was also toying with the idea of actually killing off Rocky. That's right. The iconic world champion prizefighter seen as a symbol of inspiration and perseverance would die at the end and the series would be capped. The plan was that Rocky would die in an ambulance on its way to the hospital with Adrian by his side, and at the hospital, she would have announced to the world of his passing and his spirit would live on with a final flashback of the famous scene of him running up the steps. You think robbing Rocky of his money and moving him back to Philly was cheap? Thankfully, Stallone ultimately abandoned this concept and rewrote the ending to the way it is in the movie now. Plus, in tone with showcasing Drago's punching power from Rocky IV, Sylvester Stallone originally planned to make the effects of Rocky's brain damage in the movie much more visible and painful to see, but altered these plans after watching a few days of footage because the sight of Rocky like that was "like seeing your favorite dog with dysplasia.", according to Stallone himself. Thank goodness we dodged that too... that would've been unpleasant. It turns out that Rocky's brain damage as depicted in the movie isn't even that awful, either. In the years since the film has come out, Stallone stated that he discussed the story with many boxing medical professionals and the injury Rocky suffered was a milder form of brain damage, "similar to that of a long-term concussion that many boxers suffer from, and by modern-day standards are still able to gain licenses to box." It would not have prevented Rocky from gaining a license to box, nor would it have killed him.

"What do we say when we need to retire from brain damage?"

"Yo Adrian, I did it?" "Not even close, please retire."

Originally intended as a trilogy, undone by Rocky IV and now Rocky V, the Rocky saga has gone through its ups and downs, and unfortunately, Rocky V is definitely where the series bottoms out. I still like a lot of aspects of it. I feel like most people should, but there are highly questionable story choices at play here. For one thing, using the "power of attorney" financial kerfluffle as a way to drag the series back to its roots is both fulfilling but cheap. It brings the series full-circle, pays homage to the original two drama films, and lets us get re-acquainted with how Rocky originally was. It was even the first movie since Rocky to not be directed by Sylvester Stallone. Instead, original Rocky director John Avildsen was brought back in, and this is why the movie feels very sentimental and nostalgic. However, its so cheap to have Rocky return to his roots too. For all we've seen Rocky rise up and conquer in the previous films, its robbing to have it all taken away from him and to give him brain damage so that he can't rise up and get it all back again. Also, need I mention again how odd it is to have these sets of morals? "Fighting" being the moral of the story is a pretty meat-headed way to tell a story and definitely is in sync with Rocky III and Rocky IV, which were more action-oriented movies. Rocky IV suffers from this flaw too, but at least at the end of Rocky IV you get a sense that Rocky's helping to unite two warring countries. Never mind the fact that Drago is still a monster and Apollo is still dead. This movie ends up trying to mix the bag of Avildsen's drama and Stallone's action, a mix of Rocky's I and II with Rocky's III and IV and it is an awkwardly-paced mess. The street fight at the end is either make or break for people; it either pays off or it doesn't. I enjoy it for its brutality and its pacing, but the crowd members hollering random nonsense while Rocky punches Tommy out just distracts me and makes me laugh.

... but much like Rocky, and much to the annoyance of some readers, no doubt, we're not done yet... not by a long shot!

Rockython: A Review of "Rocky IV"

*Initiating pain.exe* "Yo, what was that, Drago?"

Rocky was a triumph. It was an underdog story about an unknown club fighter who could go the distance with the heavyweight champion of the world, and while he didn't succeed, he won the hearts of millions. Rocky II gave him a second shot, showing that even through the adversity of his comatose wife and eye damage, he was able to once again go the distance and this time, triumph over the champ and secure his place in history as the Heavyweight Champion of the world. Rocky III showed him what it was like to be on top only for someone hungrier than him for a long time show up and take it all, while watching his trainer and mentor die before the fight. When all seemed lost, an old foe rose up and trained him back up to face-off against the hungry young blood and triumph once again...

So what was left for him to do?

The Terminator told us to fear robots. Rocky IV told us
to buy one for your drunk brother-in-law.

Well... known colloquially as "the one where he fights the Russian", this is Rocky IV; a movie that teaches us that a story can be cliche and characters can be goofy caricatures of themselves as long as we have a kick-ass 80s soundtrack. That's right, Rocky IV has the pristine notoriety of being not only the most un-Rocky-like entry in the series, but definitely the goofiest and most "80s" one. Rocky III put its legs in the shallow end of the pool of absurdity, testing the waters on what it could do and what it can't do... Rocky IV dove into the deep end head first. It's the first Rocky film without Burgess Meredith as Mickey, the first one that didn't utilize "Gonna Fly Now" for a training montage (though a few bars can be heard), the third to be written by, directed by and star Sylvester Stallone, and the fourth and final for Carl Weathers. Aside from having a story that is either recycled or cliche... or hell, why not both... its also the shortest movie in the saga at a sparse ninety-one minutes. On top of that, with the robotic nature of the Russian's character, how he trains, his punching power and how he talks; he's almost like a cyborg. It's literally trying to tell you that the Russian is a cyborg. I'm not sure if this movie's a drama, an action movie, or a science-fiction story. You think I may be setting up the movie to shit all over it... but it's actually one of the more beloved of the entire franchise. How? How is this cheese-fest so worshiped and appreciated? Well let's pile in and see how this one holds up.

"Yo Adrian, you went from disapproving of me fighting, to
 approving of me fighting, back to disapproving of it again.
You switch up faster than a politician."

After having reclaimed the world championship title from Clubber Lang (Mr. T) at the end of Rocky III, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) plans to retire and spend time with his family. Well every movie so far has had mention of him retiring some way or another, so why stop the trend? After an opening to the movie which sees Rocky give his brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) a fucking ROBOT as a present (That's one point for "80s", one for "Sci-Fi"), Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), a Soviet boxer, arrives in the United States with his wife, Ludmilla (Brigitte Nielsen), a Soviet swimmer and a team of trainers from the Soviet Union and Cuba. How about that? They got two of the most-renowned mumble-mouth, dead-pan actors in history to play the two villains. How exciting! Still, this is a good performance by both of them, even for Brigitte, who would somehow lose her chops to talk in Red Sonja while Dolph would go on to actually speak in Masters of the Universe. His manager, Nicolai Koloff (Michael Pataki) takes every opportunity to promote Drago's athleticism as a hallmark of Soviet superiority.

"Rock-a-bye Apollo in the tree top..."
"He's dead, sir. Please unhand the carcass."

Speaking of Drago's training, there's a scene where Koloff claims that Ivan is much stronger than any fighter he could face, claiming an average fighter's punch power is "Seven hundred pounds of pressure per square inch", and has Drago demonstrate his punch power of "Eighteen hundred and fifty pounds". Online, I am told this is the equivalent of a shotgun blast recoil slamming into your skull... at every inch of Drago's fist, with each of Drago's punches... Assuming the impact area on his opponent's face is four inches, that's upwards of seven thousand, four hundred PSI... over three tons, nearly four, of impact weight onto someone's head. That's not all; later on in the movie, it's shown that Drago's punch power goes up to a whopping "Twenty-one hundred and fifty pounds", which would make the impact strength well over four tons. That's easily a neck-breaking level of power. That's a skull-crushing, brain-mushing, life-ending power in a punch... and that's every punch we see Drago throw. So, basically speaking... that is another point for "Sci-Fi" movie. Koloff ends the scene by sinisterly saying "Whatever he hits, he destroys"... which is a fair assessment. Be it humans, cars, trucks, concrete blocks, entire skyscrapers. It feels like anything would fall at the hands of Drago.

"Yo, what's the weather like up there, flattop?"
"I must break you." "Geez, tough crowd, y'know?"

Motivated by patriotism and an innate desire to prove himself, the long-retired former heavyweight champion Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) challenges Drago to an exhibition bout, despite the Russians' desire to have Drago kill... I mean... "fight" Rocky. Apollo asks Rocky to train him for his last fight against Drago, and while Rocky has reservations, he agrees to train Apollo despite his misgivings about the match. During a press conference regarding the match, hostility sparks between Apollo's and Drago's respective camps. The boxing exhibition takes place at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Apollo enters the ring in an over-the-top patriotic entrance with James Brown performing "Living in America" complete with showgirls. That is Song #1 on our Epic Rocky IV Playlist of Epicness. The bout starts tamely with Apollo landing several punches that are ineffective against Drago, but Drago suddenly retaliates by... oh, how do kids put it these days... "Reking" Apollo's shit. Punch after punch of three-and-a-half ton's worth of ballistic blows. Rather than dying like a normal human, Apollo makes it to the end of the first round. In the corner, Rocky and Apollo's trainer, Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), plead with him to give up, but a battered Apollo refuses to do so and tells Rocky to not stop the match "no matter what." Drago continues to pummel him in the second round and Duke begs Rocky to throw in the towel. Rocky honors Apollo’s wishes, which allows Drago to land one final punch on Apollo, knocking him out... a beating which does in fact eventually kill him. In the aftermath, Drago displays no sense of contrition, commenting to the assembled media: "If he dies, he dies."

"Ivan is quite the butcher, my dear. Is he always this brutal?"
"Yes! He fights by day, and by night, he's a phone-in
marriage counselor on the radio."

This is where the movie switches gears and, by a lot of people's accounts, becomes predictably cheesy and stupid. Enraged by guilt and the Soviets' cold indifference, Rocky decides to challenge Drago himself, vacating the Heavyweight Championship in a deleted scene order to do so. The theatrical cut makes a passing reference to him doing so. Drago's camp agrees to an unsanctioned 15-round fight in the Soviet Union on Christmas Day, an arrangement meant to protect Drago from the threats of violence he has been receiving in the U.S. I don't see what they're so afraid of; the people making the death threats are humans while Drago is practically Sauron with the One Ring tucked under his glove. Rocky travels to the Soviet Union without Adrian due to her disapproval of the match. Who can blame her? Rocky's challenging a dude that he watched kill Apollo with his punching power, and he's like "Sure, I could take him, y'know?" Setting up his training base in a remote cabin in Krasnogourbinsk (Say that five-times fast) with only Duke and Paulie to accompany him. Duke opens up to Rocky, stating that he actually raised Apollo and that his death felt like a father losing his son, and expresses his faith in Rocky that he will emerge victorious. So... again, I don't know who they think they're going to fight... because Drago would basically knock Rocky's head clear out into the crowd... but if I point this out every time, I'm going to be here all night. To prepare for the match, Drago uses high-tech equipment, a team of trainers and doctors monitoring his every movement, and regular doses of anabolic steroids (the TWIST). Rocky, on the other hand, does roadwork in hip-deep snow over mountainous terrain and workouts utilizing antiquated farm equipment. Adrian arrives unexpectedly to give Rocky her support, which gives Rocky a new vigor... so that's one point for "Drama movie".

"Ey yo, Paulie! Throw the bricks away. This sled's too heavy!"
"There ain't any bricks on the sled, Rocko. Just me!"
"You could stand to lose a few pounds, Paulie."

Before the match, Drago is introduced with an elaborate patriotic ceremony, with the Soviet general secretary Mikhail Gorbachev (David Lloyd Austin) and the Politburo in attendance. They even have  a scene of the Soviet National Anthem, AKA "Every millennial internet shitposter's favorite music". Present company INcluded. The home crowd is squarely on Drago's side and hostile to Rocky. In contrast to his match with Apollo, Drago immediately goes on the offensive. Rocky takes a fierce pounding in the first round, but goes on the offensive toward the end of the second round after landing a brutal right hook that cuts Drago's left eye, stunning both Drago and the crowd. Duke encourages Rocky by reminding him that he just proved Drago is a man and not a machine as he’s been made out to be... whether through his portrayal or his conditioning, you pick. In contrast, Drago comments to his trainers that Rocky "is not human, he is like a piece of iron," after his trainers reprimand him for his performance against the "weak" American.

"Rocky! It's good to see you're in one piece!"
"Yo, who said that? What year is it? Who's Rocky?"
"--nearly in one piece."

The two boxers spend the next dozen rounds trading blows, with Rocky managing to continually hold his ground despite Drago's best efforts. This begs the question that HOW... in the name of HELL... can Rocky last fifteen rounds against this kind of supposed power after Apollo died in a round and a half. It makes zero sense, and the movie makes no mention to try and explain its chicanery. Rocky's resilience and determination rallies the previously hostile Soviet crowd to his side. After being berated by Koloff, Drago rebels, throwing him from the ring and directly addressing Gorbachev, stating he fights only for himself. In the final round, with both fighters exhausted, Rocky initially takes more punishment, then seizes an opening and unleashes a series of vicious blows to defeat Drago by knockout.... again, SOMEHOW. Rocky gives a winded victory speech, acknowledging that the local crowd's disdain of him had turned to mutual respect during the fight. Rocky finally declares, "If I can change and you can change, everybody can change!" The Soviet premier stands up and reluctantly applauds Rocky, and his aides follow suit. Rocky ends his speech by wishing his son watching the match on TV a Merry Christmas, and raises his arms into the air in victory as the crowd applauds... probably helping to end the actual Cold War in progress by the time this movie came out. Yet... did Rocky pledge financial support to Russia as soon as Chernobyl exploded? Hmm. Never got that answer did we?

Anywho, what do I think of Rocky IV? Well, despite it being a story about avenging a close friend's death and helping to unite two world powers who were at one time ready to kill each other with their nuclear ordinances, it definitely lacks the emotional impact of the previous three Rocky films. While it is nice to have Rocky triumph over Drago to avenge Apollo, the absolute ludicrousness of some of the plot elements are so distracting, I can't even really wrap my head around the emotion. It just feels like a very rushed, incomplete movie. Ninety-one minutes of runtime, twenty-three of them are dedicated to montages. I'm not kidding. There's the opening montage of Rocky beating Clubber Lang, there's the montage of Rocky's drive after Apollo dies, there's Rocky and Drago's first training montage, their second, and then the montage of rounds three to fourteen. That's five montages in a ninety-one minute movie. That is ridiculous. On top of that, the robo-science-technology they shove in your face showing how Drago trains is nice and all to show the Soviet Union's abuse of power by utilizing Drago as nothing more than a drug puppet, but it too makes the movie feel more like your run of the mill 80s science-fiction film.

"YO, THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIVE, WITH THE
SOUND OF DRAAAAGOOOOO!!!!!"

Also, again, there's no way either Rocky or Apollo would survive against Drago in a real boxing match, should a man named Drago ever be able to punch that hard. I'd say the filmmakers either wanted Drago to be truly superhuman and tip the movies' scales of ridiculousness, or simply confused PSI with simple force. At least they did right by Apollo to kill him, showing Drago's power, but that sure as hell doesn't explain how Rocky is not only able to last fifteen three-minute rounds with Drago beating the shit out of him like he slept with his wife or kicked his dog in front of him, but also able to outlast Drago on stamina and beat him by knockout. I guess there's something to be said, because in reality; Dolph Lundgren could punch pretty hard. Stallone on Jimmy Fallon told the story of how Dolph Lundgren put him in the hospital filming Rocky IV. After doing three takes of Rocky taking shots to ribs from Drago, Stallone felt a burning in his chest, but ignored it. Later on, he had difficulty breathing and was taken to a nearby ER. It was discovered that his blood pressure was over two hundred and he had to be flown on a low-altitude flight from Canada to St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica, where he remained in intensive care for four days. What happened? Well, Dolph Lungren had punched him so hard in the chest that his heart had slammed up against the inside of his breastbone and began to swell, cutting off the blood supply and restricting the oxygen flow throughout the body. Talk about suffering for your art.

Still though, the movies were a lot simpler when Rocky was just a club fighter from Philadelphia who was dabbling in the Heavyweight title scene. This, while entertaining and a lot of fun, goes way overboard on the ridiculousness factor. Rocky IV is definitely on the "popcorn entertainment" side of movie value. It isn't going to win any Oscars, but I'd be lying if I said it still isn't a ton of fun... which makes it a pretty re-watchable movie. You have a great soundtrack, a nice runtime, and some good drama, even if it is hammy. Really for this, you just to shut your brain off for a lot of it. Kind of like what Drago did to Rocky... but MORE ON THAT LATER... Our final score? One point "Drama", one point "80s", two points "Sci-Fi". It's like a cocktail... a very hard-hitting cocktail.

Rockython: A Review of "Rocky III"

"Hey, yo! Does the T stand for Toddler?"
"NO IT AIN'T STAND FOR TODDLER, SUCKA, NOW LEMME NIBBLE ON THEM FINGERS!"

In the review of Rocky II, I joked about how usually if you're the third movie in a franchise, odds of you being just as beloved and rewatchable as the previous films are slim. Notable exceptions; Return of the Jedi, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Back to the Future Part III, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and in my opinion, Batman Forever, Star Trek III and Toy Story 3. Tons of third installments that can be considered just as loved as their predecessors, and what we're here to talk about today is no exception. This is Rocky III, and what does Rocky III teach us? That two drama movies was enough and it's time to turn this sports drama franchise into an action hero franchise!

"Hey, Rocky! Where'd you get those sweet threads?"

"Kohl's cash, yo!"

Rocky II saw Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) win the heavyweight championship from Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers). No longer just an unknown fighter begging for recognition, Rocky III opens with the debut of the legendary pop-rock sports song "Eye of the Tiger" as we see that in the ensuing three years, Rocky Balboa has had a string of ten successful title defenses. His fame, wealth, endorsements, and celebrity profile have increased, leading him to participate in an exhibition charity event against the world wrestling champion, Thunderlips (Hulk Hogan). Now aged 34, Rocky is on top of the professional boxing world. Rocky's manager, Mickey Goldmill (Burgess Meredith), worriedly eyes a young and powerful contender rapidly rising through the ranks named James "Clubber" Lang (the debuting Mr. T). While unveiling a statue of himself at the stairway by the Philadelphia Museum of Art just prior to announcing his retirement, Rocky is publicly challenged by Lang, now the number-one contender. Lang accuses Rocky of intentionally accepting challenges from lesser opponents, and goads Rocky into accepting his challenge for a championship fight. Fun fact: according to an interview given by Mr. T, he attended the movie's premiere with his mother. During the scene where he yells lurid remarks at Adrian to goad Rocky into a title shot, his mother turned to him and said, "I did not raise you to talk to a lady like that" and stormed out of the theater. Now if that's not a mother dedicated to her craft, I don't know what is.

"Buddy, you call me Richard Pryor one more time, I'm
going to have to lay you out."

Mickey initially wants no part of it of the fight, telling Rocky he'll fight Clubber without him. Pressed by Rocky, Mickey confesses that he handpicked the opponents for Rocky's title defenses in order to spare him from another beating of the kind that Creed gave him in their rematch, knowing full well anymore beatings like that would blind or seriously hurt Rocky for the rest of his life. He explains that Lang is young and powerful, and most of all he's "hungry", and that Rocky won't last three rounds because he hasn’t been hungry ever since he won the title and became "civilized" and "soft". Rocky, now knowing that he never really defended his title against the best opponents, convinces Mickey to work with him for one last fight. Despite his promise to Mickey to 'live in the gym', Rocky trains in a Las Vegas-style environment that is filled with distractions, and is clearly not taking his training seriously. In contrast, Lang trains with ruthless determination and vigor.

"Yo ain't I seen you on a rerun of American Choppers?"

The night of the fight comes. Lang and Rocky meet at Philadelphia's Spectrum for what Rocky claims to the press will be his final fight. In a brawl backstage, Mickey is violently shoved by Lang, causing Mickey to suffer a heart attack. Distraught, Rocky wants to call the match off, but Mickey urges him to fight while he stays in the dressing room. By the time of the match, Rocky is both enraged and severely distracted by his mentor's condition. The match begins with Rocky pounding Lang with several huge blows looking for an early knockout, but he cannot put Lang down due to his own lack of conditioning. The bigger, stronger, and better-prepared Lang quickly recovers and takes charge, dominating Rocky and knocking him out with a haymaker left hook in the second round, winning the world heavyweight championship. After the match, a battered Rocky tells a dying Mickey that the match ended in a second round knockout without saying who the victor was. Mickey falsely believes Rocky won and then dies. Rocky, lapsing into severe depression, mourns over Mickey's death. There you have it, Mickey has died and Rocky is no longer the champion. At 34, his chances of a comeback are slim... is he finished? Who can help him?

Stopping by Mickey's closed gym, the forlorn Rocky encounters his former rival, Apollo Creed, who witnessed the match as a guest analyst. Creed offers to help train Rocky for a rematch against Lang in exchange for a future favor which Rocky accepts. Apollo then takes Rocky to the gym where he once trained, Tough Gym in Los Angeles. Creed, along with his former trainer Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), infuses Rocky's brawling style with more of Apollo's trademark footwork, skill and speed to become a more complete fighter and to help him regain his edge (Apollo's coined term “eye of the tiger”, something that was literally all over this movie). At first, Rocky is too distracted and demoralized to put forth his best efforts, infuriating Apollo, but he regains his momentum after Adrian (Talia Shire) helps Rocky come to terms with Mickey's death.

"Yo Adrian, didn't you spend all of Rocky II telling me not to
fight and now Rocky III telling me to fight?"
"Rocky, if you point out every inconsistency, we're going to
be here 'til Ramadan."

After months of training during yet another rendition of "Gonna Fly Now", the rematch takes place at Madison Square Garden in New York. Apollo lends Rocky the American flag trunks that he wore during their first match... thankfully dry cleaned and without Rocky's blood on them still. At the outset of the match, Rocky sprints from his corner, battering Lang with a level of skill and spirit that no one ever expected. Rocky completely dominates the first round, leaving Lang enraged and bewildered after the bell. Lang gains the upper hand in the second round, and Rocky adopts an entirely different strategy that bewilders Apollo by intentionally taking a beating from Lang, even getting knocked down twice, all the while taunting Lang that he cannot knock him out. Boxing fans know this as the "rope-a-dope" tactic, famously employed by Muhammad Ali to topple the younger and stronger George Foreman and regain the heavyweight championship in 1974. By the third round, Lang, who is used to winning matches swiftly with knockouts in the early rounds, becomes increasingly furious over Rocky's taunts. He quickly exhausts his energy trying to finish Rocky off with repeated knockout blows, which Rocky blocks or dodges. With Lang rattled and vulnerable, Rocky out-boxes Lang with a flurry of punches, culminating in a brutal knockout to win the title, becoming a two-time Heavyweight Champion of the World. Afterwards, Rocky fulfills Apollo's favor: a closed door rematch with him. The film concludes with both fighters throwing their first punch simultaneously as "Eye of the Tiger" kicks back in over the end credits.

"All these movies to star in, I must say I am
quite beside myself, y'know?"

Rocky III used to be my favorite of the bunch. However, as I've stated, its the first of the saga that wasn't built on being a character driven drama. It has the most fights of the movies, at three... if you count Rocky's showdown with Thunderlips, that is. It's also the first Rocky film to show the entirety of the final fight, not going to montage mode and skipping rounds but showing every single round. It was nice to see Apollo Creed be humanized so well, and I'm not the only one that things that because this also happens to be Carl Weathers' favorite of the Rocky films that he's starred in for that very same reason. Apollo goes from being just some run-of-the-mill arrogant jock to someone who is looking out for Rocky's best interests, looking to help train him back up, get his mojo back and take back the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Ultimately, he and Rock grow to become close friends because of this. Now you want to talk about the Rocky statue? This was where it made its first appearance. In the movie, the city of Philadelphia gifts Rocky a nine-foot, 1,500 pound bronze statue and places it at the plaza in front of the Philadelphia Art Museum, at the top of what is known famously as the "Rocky steps" due to the familiarity of Rocky running up them for his training. In real life, the statue was donated to the Art Museum after filming completed, but they said they didn't want it as it was "just a movie prop". This sparked a huge debate over what constitutes "art" and what doesn't, and as of now, the Rocky statue is still a real landmark in Philadelphia, nestled among some shrubbery adjacent to the Art Museum's steps as opposed to in front of the museum itself. Rocky III is also often credited with helping bring Hulk Hogan into the limelight, being his film debut and all, and thus assisting in bringing attention to the then-WWF (World Wrestling Federation) and in giving birth to Hulkamania. Some nutty crumpets of thought for your Wednesday.

Rocky III maintains some of the sports drama-ness that the series was founded on, but by now, Stallone was becoming such a big action star elsewhere that it feels more like an action movie than a drama. Rocky III came out in May '82, and Stallone's other breakout film role as Vietnam veteran John Rambo would kick off with First Blood that October. Since the series had to up the ante, there are also three fights now, as mentioned. The exhibition wrestling-boxing match with Thunderlips, Rocky losing the title to Clubber Lang and then later on winning it back in a rematch with Lang, making this the only movie where Rocky loses to and then wins against the same villain in the same movie. Apollo Creed became a good guy and a close friend to Rocky, which I love; I love when enemies become friends in a twist in movies. It brought "Eye of the Tiger" to ears everywhere, a sports anthem that has yet to die out. It introduced Mr. T as well as his famous catchphrase "I pity the foo". It's weird to see him play a bad guy when all throughout his career he's been a monumental, charity-donating foo human being his entire life... but he plays it so well that it makes perfect sense and its the perfect casting. Its a great entry in the series, very uplifting and inspirational...

...nothing like the absolute sci-fi montage-laiden madness and chaos that would follow next...