A Review of "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom"

So Jurassic World was a pretty popular movie in 2015 when it came out. I remember going to see it in IMAX with my brother when it came out and it was a packed house. Huge turn out. First Jurassic Park movie since 2001's Jurassic Park III, which is a turd I'm sure we'll get to review one day. So, while not being the smartest-written movie in the world, Jurassic World was insanely popular enough to warrant a sequel, money-wise, so out comes Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. For a movie marketed as a end-all, doomsday sequel, it was literally nothing more than a slight remake of The Lost World with some different elements tossed in that really didn't make much sense or really seemed very stale. The characters just never seem to learn that you don't fuck with nature, even through four previous movies. These movies aren't getting any smarter.

Three years after the Jurassic World incident, a U.S. Senate hearing in Washington, D.C. debates whether Isla Nublar's dinosaurs should be saved from an impending volcanic eruption. The fact that there's been two major mishaps on that island that has resulted in the loss of life, and two other seperate incidents that also resulted in death means that this shouldn't even be up for debate. The fact you have to debate letting animals who eat and kill people die is pretty ridiculous. Mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) testifies that the dinosaurs should be allowed to perish to correct John Hammond's mistake of cloning them, so he's the only one that gets it. Meanwhile, Jurassic World's former operations manager, Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) has created the Dinosaur Protection Group to save the animals, so she's definitely one that doesn't get it. When the Senate rules against their rescue, Claire is contacted by Sir Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell), Hammond's former partner. Soon after, Claire meets Lockwood and his aide, Eli Mills, at his Northern California estate. They reveal a plan to relocate the dinosaurs to a new island sanctuary, so it's quite honestly the same idea as The Lost World: Jurassic Park just with some different twists thrown in there. Claire recruits Owen Grady (Chris mothafuckin' Pratt), Jurassic World's former Velociraptor trainer, to help locate Blue, the last living Velociraptor.

The rescue group arrives on Isla Nublar and meets Ken Wheatley, the mercenary commander. I already had a bad feeling when I saw that guy on screen. It's like the want ad for the actor said "Must be a venomous asshole and a feral looking SOB, Inquire within." Claire and former park technician, Franklin Webb (Your science nerd for the movie) reactivate the park's dinosaur trackers, while Owen, paleo-veterinarian Zia Rodriguez, Wheatley and other mercenaries search for Blue. Upon finding her, the encounter escalates leading to a mercenary shooting Blue and Wheatley tranquilizing Owen. Oh, look. The mercenaries are actually operating on their own agenda to bring the dinosaurs back to the mainland for other purposes. Kinda like that one movie...what was it called? Oh yeah, THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Zia works to keep Blue alive while Owen is left behind, somehow narrowly avoiding a lava flow and not bursting into flames himself. After surviving a Baryonyx attack, Claire and Franklin reunite with Owen as the volcano erupts. They flee from the pyroclastic flow which really should have killed them just by inhaling the ash n' shit. Come on, man. Dante's Peak was more believable than this. They then sneak aboard the mercenaries' ship, where they find Zia with Blue. The ship, filled with captured dinosaurs, departs for the U.S. mainland as the island's remaining animals die in the eruption. By the way, that brachiosaurus scene you heard about? It was pretty ridiculous. I laughed.

At Lockwood's estate, Lockwood's orphaned, pre-teen granddaughter Maisie overhears Mills and auctioneer Gunnar Eversol secretly planning to auction off the captured dinosaurs to buyers intending to weaponize them. Well that's just...dark, to say the least. This movie took a highly political turn. They also discuss unveiling the Indoraptor, a new genetically-engineered dinosaur created by geneticist Dr. Henry Wu (BD Wong) using the DNA of the Indominus rex and a Velociraptor. Oh good, it's like Wu's a complete idiot and didn't learn the first...or second time that this was a bad idea. Wu wants Blue's DNA to create an enhanced Indoraptor. What good Blue's DNA would have in enhancing it? I don't know, it wasn't explained very well. Maisie informs Lockwood about the auction, and he confronts Mills, who murders him...which is again, dark. The dinosaurs are transported to Lockwood's estate and caged while the auction occurs. Zia and Franklin evade capture, but Owen and Claire are caught. Owen manipulates a Stygimoloch to break open their cell using its dome head made of solid bone. Hardcore. They then encounter Maisie, who leads them to the auction where the Indoraptor is being bid on, despite Wu's protests that it is a prototype. Oh no, it's like this is going wrong for some reason. The freed Stygimoloch disrupts the auction with Owen's guidance. In the ensuing chaos, Wheatley tranquilizes the Indoraptor and attempts to extract one of its teeth as a trophy, but it feigns sedation and escapes, killing him, Eversol, and others. Not gonna lie, that was a pretty cool scene.

Mills finds and tells Owen and Claire that Maisie was cloned from Lockwood's deceased daughter and is why John Hammond, who opposed human cloning, ended his and Lockwood's partnership. Something you never heard about in the previous movies, but it's brought up now so who cares? Also, human cloning? For a movie that's about dinosaurs eating people, this took a weird turn. Not to mention it isn't elaborated or followed-up on at all. The original Jurassic Park showed in detail of how the dinosaurs were cloned, requiring frog DNA to fill the gene sequence gaps to complete everything and make a living, breathing dinosaur in our world today. While a stretch, at least by my intellect which isn't very much, it was believeable. Human cloning on the other hand? I mean, I guess can believe it, but honestly...what the fuck. Anyway, the Indoraptor hunts Owen, Claire, and Maisie through the mansion. Zia releases Blue, who attacks the Indoraptor, causing it to fall through a glass roof to its death. So again, the dinosaur that was genetically designed to be superior and more lethal than the other, regular dinosaurs fails by comparison. Just like Jurassic World. Are we even sure Wu knows what he's doing? Is he even the great geneticist that two previous movies have built him up to be?

When a hydrogen cyanide gas leak threatens the caged animals, Maisie, unable to let them die, frees them against Owen's warning. Way to go, clone girl. Now dinosaurs are loosed upon society. How do you live with yourself? Mills tries to escape with the Indominus rex bone but is devoured by the Tyrannosaurus and Carnotaurus in yet another Jurassic Park style Tyrannosaurus roar shot. Owen and Claire leave the estate with Maisie, while Blue and the other dinosaurs escape into the wilderness, into our society. In a new U.S. Senate hearing, Dr. Malcolm says that humans and dinosaurs will now need to coexist, which is weird because technically all throughout each of these movies they've already coexisted. They're just now literally coexisting in the same space. The closing scene shows dinosaurs roaming wilderness and urban areas amongst people and the curtain falls. What an ending.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom had some fun moments, but ultimately felt recycled and not very original or deep. It's literally an altered clone of The Lost World: Jurassic Park. The new characters were all stock, villainous bad guys who again, wanted to profit on the dinosaurs for their own personal gain. Owen and Claire are alright, but Owen's "badass factor" is greatly diminished by not seeing him command raptors and control them. Sure he beats up a few guys and talks to Blue a couple times, but it's just not the same. He doesn't command the same presence. The other characters? The tech guy from Jurassic World and Claire's two nephews, they don't exist here. It's literally just Claire and Owen returning. Ian Malcolm came back, but with a greatly diminished role. He has two scenes and about ten lines of dialogue. Oh and the human cloning? The topic it didn't even touch upon it after its reveal. So yeah, she's a clone. So what? I guess nobody cares. The movie is so stock, cliche and overdone, it almost didn't need to be made, but you can't argue against the power of the Almighty dollar.

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #4 - Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

"Hello Computer?"

America was just fresh off the immense success of the hit comedy adventure sci-fi movie Back to the Future, so time-travel was kind of "in", I guess. Well, Star Trek had already attempted a few time-travel episodes in the original series in the 60s, but never attempted it in a major motion picture...until now! Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home comes hot-off the tail of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock where we witnessed Kirk and his comrades steal the Enterprise, destroy it, fight the Klingons for the secrets of the Genesis device, reunite Spock with his katra and successfully resurrect him. Now, they remain stranded on Vulcan in a Klingon star cruiser with almost no way home. This is where Star Trek IV picks up.

Stop! In the name of Spock!

In 2286, an enormous cylindrical probe moves through space, sending out an indecipherable signal and disabling the power of any ships it passes. It kind of looks like a bratwurst that someone leaves on a charcoal grill too long. The little blue sphere hanging right below it is like its disco ball extension, but that's just me. As it takes up orbit around Earth, the signal it emits disables the global power grid and generates planetary storms, creating catastrophic, sun-blocking cloud cover. Starfleet Command sends out a planetary distress call and warns starships not to approach Earth. So it seems like the galaxy just can't catch a break, especially Starfleet. Where's James T. Kirk where you need him--oh wait. Apparently, Starfleet thinks Kirk is in trouble, having violated many orders and, oh gee, stealing and destroying the USS Enterprise, which probably at least a billion-dollar starship.

On the planet Vulcan right where we left them, the former officers of the USS Enterprise are living in exile. Accompanied by the Vulcan Spock (Leonard Nimoy), still recovering from his resurrection, the crew — except for Saavik (Robin Curtis), who remains on Vulcan — take their captured Klingon Bird of Prey (renamed the Bounty, after the Royal Navy ship) and return to Earth to face trial for their actions. Hearing Starfleet's warning, Spock determines that the probe's signal matches the song of extinct humpback whales, and that the object will continue to wreak havoc until its call is answered. So, yeah. Star Trek IV is turning into an anti-whale hunting campaign. Not like Star Trek to make some kind of political statement, am I right? I make me laugh. Anywho, the crew uses their stolen Klingon ship to travel back in time via a slingshot maneuver around the Sun--it's already fucking inconceivable, but it didn't need the whole "warp 10, 25 Gs, thing"--planning to return with a whale to answer the alien signal. So, Kirk and company's plan is to go back in time, steal a humpback whale or two, and return to the present to answer the alien probe's signal. Doc Brown would be shitting a chicken right now about paradoxes, but Kirk killed him on Genesis so no wonder there's no pushback here.

"Gentlemen, does anyone else smell that?"

Following this ridiculous manuever, the crew arrives in 1986, only to find their ship's power drained. I guess doing warp 10 sling-shotting around the sun isn't very energy efficient. Hiding their ship in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park using its cloaking device, and after Kirk yelling "double dumbass on you" at a taxi driver, the crew splits up to accomplish several tasks: Admiral James T. Kirk (William Shatner) and Spock attempt to locate the humpback whales to destroy history with by stealing them, while Montgomery Scott (James "Dear God, I need a new agent" Doohan), Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DeForest Kelley), and Hikaru Sulu (George Takei) construct a tank to hold the whales they need for a return to the 23rd century. Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) and Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig) are tasked to find a nuclear reactor, whose energy leakage can be collected and used to re-power the Klingon vessel. Shows you just how far technology has come since the 20th century...not very far. Plus, Scotty and Bones fuck up history even more by giving the proprietor of the tank construction a 22nd century formula for transparent aluminum, royally screwing up history even more. It does have one of Scotty's best moments though, picking up the Macintosh mouse and saying "Hello Computer?" trying to get it to work. Classic stuff.

The disco-ball toting, whale-hunting probe

Kirk and Spock discover a pair of whales in the care of Dr. Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks) at a Sausalito aquarium, and learn they will soon be released into the wild. Gillian's angry about this because the whales will no doubt succumb to whaling boats and be turned into blubber and chewing gum. That, and that Kirk and Spock also let her 7th Heaven husband, Willard Decker, bond with V'Ger three movies ago and die, leaving her and her insane kids to grow up on their own. Tough break for prime time broadcasting. Kirk tells her of his mission, pretty nonchalantly, and asks for the tracking frequency for the whales, but she refuses to cooperate. She's the smart one. Lord knows that Kirk stealing them from 1986 would fuck up the future somehow. Meanwhile, Uhura and Chekov locate a nuclear powered ship, the aircraft carrier Enterprise (wacka-wacka). They collect the power they need, but are discovered on board. Uhura is beamed back but Chekov is captured, and subsequently severely injured in an escape attempt. Way to try and not be useless, Chekov, ya Russian dingbat.

"See? We saved our production budget just by slapping an 'A'
on the old model. React, adapt, and overcome."

Taylor learns the whales have been released early, and goes to Kirk for assistance, going back on her original bout of intelligence by allowing Kirk to beam them up and steal them from 1986. Taylor, Kirk, and McCoy rescue Chekov from a nearby hospital and return to the now recharged Bird of Prey. After transporting the whales aboard the ship, the crew returns with Taylor to their own time, which was just...a silly thing to do. She has no family or husband in 1986 to stay with? She just decides to abandon everything and time jump to Kirk's time and start a new life. What the fuck? Also, the way she agrees to go Kirk's time period with them is so dangerous. She leaps into his arms just as the transporter beam hits them. She's damn lucky it didn't scramble her molecules and rebuild her and Kirk into some twisted, genetic hybrid on the transporter pad. On approaching Earth, the ship loses power and comes down in San Francisco Bay, resulting in a pretty cool scene involving a harpoon gun bouncing off the cloaked ship's hull. Once released from near-drowning, the whales respond to the probe's signal, causing the object to reverse its effects on Earth and return to the depths of space from whence it came. Later on, the entire cast of the TV show (including Spock who did nothing wrong) stand court martial for what they did in Star Trek III. For their part in saving the planet, all charges against the Enterprise crew are dropped, save one for disobeying a superior officer, leveled solely at Kirk. Kirk is demoted from Admiral to the rank of Captain and returned to the command of a starship. Kirk and Gillian part ways as she has been assigned to a science vessel by Starfleet. Which is fucking weird, again, because she has no clue what science has done in the past three-hundred years. She's eons behind her crew members. They're just setting her up for failure--oh never mind. Kirk's crew, meanwhile departs on their ship, the newly christened USS Enterprise-A and leaves on a shakedown mission.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is a lot of fun, albeit pretty silly. The characters go through fun little escapades with each other, the story is at least compelling though it isn't very original, and it's great to see some comedy come from the characters that isn't painful as it was in Star Trek V. It's corny, but it's fun and it's a pretty great adventure, even giving birth some popular lines often quoted by Trekkies to this day. This is definitely one you should watch. If you can look past the wonky elements that don't really make much sense, it's a fun one. Next up, we'll tackle what many, many Trekkies often consider the greatest Star Trek movie of them all.

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #5 - Star Trek Generations

"Whatever you do, Patrick, don't sign a multi-movie deal."

Just as Star Trek: The Next Generation was wrapping up its final season on television, Star Trek took the ideas of nerd porn writers everywhere and did the ultimate crossover. That's right, James T. Kirk (William Shatner) was going to meet and work with Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart). Pretty great what can happen when paychecks are about as girthy as Shatner, am I right? Hey-ho. Thank you, I'll be here all week. When talks of a seventh Star Trek film came about, I'm sure many of the original cast members, very tired and worn out from playing these characters for more than twenty-five years, decided to flip the middle finger, give Star Trek a good ol' fashioned "Live long and suck it" taunt and flee the studio lot before a contract could even be drafted. So now, it was time to make Trek movies out of The Next Generation cast, and the first entry in their series, Star Trek Generations, isn't half bad. Kind of a misstep, but let's dive in and figure out why.

What do you think of Klingonese breasts?

In the year 2293, retired Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner), Montgomery "Scotty" Scott (James "Jesus Christ I'm still here" Doohan), and Pavel Chekov (Walter "I really needed the money" Koenig) attend the maiden voyage of the Federation starship USS Enterprise-B, under the command of the unseasoned Captain John Harriman (Alan Ruck). You might remember John Harriman from his days of bouncing around Chicago with his faithful chum Ferris Bueller, before agreeing to join Starfleet. During the voyage, Enterprise-B, having left Earth Spacedock without being fully equipped since it was merely a shakedown cruise and plot requires that they be ill-equipped, is pressed into a rescue mission to save two El-Aurian ships from a strange energy ribbon. As you probably have guessed by this point, the Enterprise-B is the only ship in range. Literally no other ships carrying Federation markings are within even a reputable space distance to come help out. How fitting. Enterprise-B is able to save some of the refugees before their ships are destroyed, but it becomes trapped in the ribbon itself. Kirk goes to deflector control to allow setup some whosits and fire the whatsits, allowing Enterprise-B to escape, but the trailing end of the ribbon rakes across Enterprise-B's hull, exposing the section Kirk is in to space; he is presumed dead by all those on board. James Doohan tried really hard in this scene not to smile at the thought of Shatner being dead.

Seventy-eight years later, we change channels to Star Trek: The Next Generation where the crew of the USS Enterprise-D celebrate the promotion of Worf (Michael Dorn) to Lieutenant Commander. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) receives a message that his brother and nephew were killed in a fire. You don't find out for some time though, he stares at a message, becomes sad, and disappears for a bit. Since Picard never fathered children of his own, the family line will end with him. I don't see what the big deal is. I'm sure the 24th century has some kind of technology that will retroactively assist Picard in fathering children, but I guess that would totally wipe out any emotion necessary for this scene, so fuck it. Enterprise-D receives a distress call--damn, again with the distress call. DON'T TELL ME. They're the only ship in range--from an observatory in orbit of the star Amargosa, where they rescue the El-Aurian Dr. Tolian Soran (Malcolm McDowell), seventy-eight years after the Enterprise-B crew rescued him. The android Data (Brent Spiner) and engineer Geordi La Forge (LeVar Burton) discover a compound called trilithium in a hidden room of the observatory. Oh, I almost forgot, Data decided to pull a prank on Dr. Crusher (Gates McFadden) and felt bad about it at Worf's promotion party, so he had Geordi insert an emotion chip. That's right, an emotion chip. Basically life in a microchip. You know, some parts of Star Trek technology (Treknology, if you will) really pisses me off.

Gratuitous trailer line #22

Anywho, Soran appears, knocks La Forge unconscious, and launches a trilithium solar probe at Amargosa. He thinks he's tough for knocking out a blind guy. What a quack. Trouble starts a'brewing as the probe causes the star to implode, sending a shock wave toward the observatory. Soran and La Forge are transported away by a Klingon Bird of Prey belonging to the treacherous Duras sisters, who had stolen the trilithium for Soran in exchange for the designs for a trilithium weapon. Data is rescued just before the station is destroyed by the shock wave. Again, with the Klingons. I swear, you don't even meet the Romulans in these movies until Nemesis, the fucking last one you possibly could meet them in. Luckily JJ Abrams made them the focus of the '09 reboot or I'd be pissed.

Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg), the Enterprise-D's bartender, tells Picard more about Soran; they were among the El-Aurians rescued by the Enterprise-B in 2293. Guinan explains that Soran is obsessed with reentering the ribbon, which is a portal to the "Nexus", an extra-dimensional realm where time has no meaning and anyone can experience whatever they desire. Refusing to cave in to what an awesome idea that would be to live forever with the ones you love and have everything you could ever want, Picard and Data do some stargazing in the Enterprise-D and determine that Soran is instead altering the path of the ribbon by destroying stars and that he will attempt to reenter the Nexus on Veridian III by destroying its sun—and, by extension, Veridian IV's quarter-billion inhabitants. 

Brent Spiner showcasing his diversity in the hopes it will
win him future roles.

Upon entering the Veridian system, Enterprise-D makes contact with the Duras sisters' Bird of Prey. Picard offers himself to the sisters in exchange for La Forge, but insists that he be transported to Soran's location first. La Forge is returned to Enterprise-D, but with a small camera implanted in his visor. No one thought to scope him out and make sure he was clean after just having come off an enemy vessel. No wonder they're about to get royally wrecked. This camera causes him to inadvertently reveal Enterprise-D's shield frequency, allowing the Duras sisters to fire weapons directly through the shields and inflict crippling damage. Cmdr William Riker (Jonathan Frakes) deduces with Worf and Data to send some blah-blah to the Bird of Prey's bloomity-blum which will yamina-yadda the shields and give the Enterprise-D the advantage. I don't fucking know, they explained in the movie but it was so jargon'd and jumbled I can't remember. It works though, so who gives a shit? Enterprise-D destroys the Bird of Prey, but since Riker sucks as a commander, it sustained irreversible damage to its warp core. Riker orders an evacuation to the forward saucer section of the ship which separates from the star drive...which I'm not going to lie is a pretty badass scene. The shock wave from the star drive's destruction sends the saucer crashing to the surface of Veridian III, which is just as cool of a scene. They really got this part right.

Picard fails to talk Soran out of his plan and is too late to stop him from launching his missile. The collapse of the Veridian star alters the course of the Nexus ribbon as predicted, and it sweeps Picard and Soran away while the shock wave from the star obliterates everything in the system, including killing the Enterprise-D survivors. If the movie ended there, I would've laughed my ass off, but luckily it didn't. In the Nexus, Picard finds himself surrounded by the family he never had, including a wife and children, but realizes it is an illusion. He is confronted by an "echo" of Guinan, a 'deus ex Guinan-a', if you will. After being told that he may leave whenever he chooses and go wherever and whenever he wishes, Guinan sends him to meet James Kirk, also safe in the Nexus. Though Kirk is at first reluctant to leave, he likewise comes to the eventual realization that nothing in the Nexus is real. Picard convinces Kirk to return to Veridian III, rather than earlier at Amargosa, assuring him that stopping Soran will fulfill his desire to make a difference. Even though there were a million other places that Picard could've gone that would have ensured his success in a much easier way, but I guess I'll let it slide.

"Dammit, Riker. Not again."

The two leave the Nexus, with Picard choosing to have them arrive on Veridian III only minutes before Soran launches the missile. Again, probably Picard's dumbest fucking plan in history. Kirk distracts Soran long enough for Picard to lock the missile in place, causing it to explode on the launchpad and kill Soran, who mugs for the camera like "Yep. I fucked up." Kirk is fatally injured by a fall during the encounter; as he dies, Picard assures him that he made a difference. Picard buries Kirk on a hillside under a bunch of rocks, something that nerds will complain about for years, before a shuttle arrives to transport him to the wreckage of the Enterprise-D saucer, since his time jump in the past undid the Veridian system's destruction of the Enterprise-D and her crew. Three Federation starships enter orbit to retrieve Enterprise's survivors, but the ship itself cannot be salvaged. As Riker laments that he will never sit in the Captain's chair of the ship, which seems like a decent conclusion to come to seeing as how every time he's put in charge, the Enterprise comes under attack and is almost certainly destroyed, Picard muses that given the name's legacy, this won't be the last ship to carry the name Enterprise-D. This doesn't really do much for Riker's confidence, but hey, some kind of ending I guess.

Star Trek Generations is actually pretty good, despite some scenes that drag. It definitely is very cool in the sense of it tells a good story and the characters are all fun and the Picard story arc comes around eventually once he gets swept up into the Nexus, but its downplayed a lot at times. Brent Spiner's overacting with the emotion's chip is okay, but it gets on my nerves in the probe station scene. We get that it's malfunctioning, but lay off, man. Soran's a cool villain, something Malcolm McDowell can play extremely well and Guinan is a welcome presence in the movie. Kirk and Picard teaming together to save the galaxy seems like the ultimate nerd-rotica, but doesn't quite live up to the hype except for how ridiculous some of their dialogue scenes are. Including...making eggs.

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #6 - Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

Everyone thanks the most popular character for returning to save their careers

We continue one with our Trekkie countdown of Trekkie movies. We're just about done with the bottom-five and boy there have been a couple real shit-suckers in our midst. Or as a helmsman would say, "off our starboard bow". See? These movies do teach me something after all. Continuing on, we find ourselves stuck in the middle chapter of a housed trilogy. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan gave us the first chapter while Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home will give us the final chapter. So now, we must nosedive into the middle chapter and review its contents. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock came off the widely successful entry Star Trek II, so it definitely had some big shoes to fill. Ultimately, it couldn't quite live up to the action-packed glory and compelling story that Star Trek II gave us. The only way Leonard Nimoy would continue playing Spock is if the production team let him have director's chair over the film, so they did. Let's dive in and review this silly space story, shall we?

The Excelsior trying to find the drive thru window

So the movie opens as the Federation starship Enterprise returns to Earth following a battle with the superhuman Khan Noonien Singh, whom we'll discuss another time. Who knows, we might touch upon him when we do Star Trek II, but all remains to be seen. Wink. As I said, this is the middle part of a trilogy of one story. A story revolving around the mysterious and powerful terraforming device known as "Genesis", whose detonation at the end of II (Spoiler alert) caused the birth of a new planet. The casualties of the fight include Admiral James T. Kirk (William Shatner)'s Vulcan friend, Spock (Leonard Nimoy) (Also, Spoiler alert) whose casket was launched into space and eventually landed on the newly terraformed Genesis planet (Triple Spoiler alert). Kirk gives a Captain's Log where he claims he feels uneasy, even after beating Khan. God only knows why. Perhaps its because your best friend died, but it could also be the Jalapeno bean chili dip that you washed down with a gallon of gin at lunch. It's a coin flip. Upon arriving at Earth, Doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DeForest Kelley) begins to act strangely and is detained, believing himself to be Spock. Meanwhile, after disembarking the Enterprise, indiscriminate Starfleet Admiral #247 visits the Enterprise and informs the crew the ship is to be decommissioned; the crew is instructed not to speak about Genesis due to political fallout over the device. Funny, who would've thought such a powerful weapon that could create entire worlds would divide people so politically? You'd think everyone would be behind that kind of power one-hundred percent.

Genesis is what makes time travel possible!

Elsewhere in the galaxy, Kirk's son David Marcus (Merritt Butrick), who was a key scientist in Genesis's development joins Lieutenant Saavik (who underwent plastic surgery to turn from Kirstie Alley into Robin Curtis) as they investigate the Genesis planet on board the science vessel Grissom. "Science vessel" in Star Trek basically means "Expendable as fuck". Discovering an unexpected life form on the surface, Marcus and Saavik transport to the planet to begin searching for it. They find that the Genesis Device has resurrected Spock in the form of a child, although his mind is not present. That may be a bad way of putting it, but it's the movie's fault. "Mind not being present" is like a computer without a hard drive. Spock would just shove sticks in his eyes and shit all over himself without his mind, but I may also be reading into this too much. Oh well, moving on. Marcus admits that he used unstable "protomatter" in the development of the Genesis Device, causing Spock to age rapidly and meaning the planet will be destroyed within hours. So basically, the entirety of the Genesis project is a failure because David was an impatient douchebag. Thanks a lot, adolescent angst. Meanwhile, The Klingons (who else?) and their captain Kruge (Christopher Lloyd), intercept information about Genesis. Believing the device to be potentially useful as a weapon (or a good ingredient for his next time machine, waka waka), Kruge takes his cloaked ship to the Genesis planet, destroys the Grissom (told you) and searches the planet for the survivors.

The Enterprise dies...it doesn't blow up. It dies.

Back on Earth, Spock's father Sarek (Mark "Why the fuck am I still doing this?" Lenard) confronts Kirk about Spock's death. After refusing to believe that Leonard Nimoy didn't want to come back for more brainless sequels and that he demanded Spock be killed, Sarek mind melds with Kirk. After viewing all the dirty thoughts in Kirk's head, the pair learn that before he died, Spock transferred his katra, or living spirit, to someone. Kirk has trouble figuring out who, completely forgetting that, oh gee, I don't know, fucking McCoy thinks he's Spock. So...why not start there? Spock's katra and body are needed to lay him to rest on his homeworld, Vulcan, and without help, McCoy will die from carrying Spock inside him (Giggity). Disobeying orders, Kirk and his B-reel officers Scotty (James "Why the fuck am I still doing this?" Doohan), Sulu (George Takei), Chekov (Walter Koenig) and Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) spring McCoy from detention, disable the USS Excelsior, and steal the battle-damaged Enterprise from Spacedock to return to the Genesis planet to retrieve Spock's body. Why they didn't just hijack the technologically advanced Excelsior and give the Enterprise the finger on the way out is beyond me. As Tony Stark would say, "Not a great plan".

On Genesis, Saavik discovers that Spock is going through Vulcan puberty (P'on Far, so the nerds don't yell at me) and realizes that in order for Spock to survive, she must mate with him. Imagine if that were true for humans. Like if guys are going through puberty and had to fuck something or else they'd die. There would be sexual harassment suits up the ass, even in high school. Plus, Vulcan mating is bizarre to say the least. I guess I use the term "mate" very loosely here. They just touch fingers and knuckles in a provocatively stupid manner and WHAM! Vulcan mating. I guess that was kind of an erotic scene...but Star Trek and erotica don't go together, so I wouldn't expect anything more. Hell I would hope and pray for nothing more. Anywho, the Klingons and Emmett L. Kruge then surprise and capture Marcus, Saavik and Spock. Poor timing hits them like a freight train as before Kruge can interrogate them their ship signals that the Enterprise has arrived and Kruge immediately beams back to the Bird of Prey.

Shatner, Doohan and Kelley reading the reviews

In orbit, the understaffed Enterprise initially gains the upper hand in battle, but the Klingons return fire and disable the ship. Probably the weakest battle in Star Trek history. Both ships fire one shot at each other, and then both ships sit disabled. The Enterprise automation system overloads and renders it helpless. In the standoff that follows, "Doc" Kruge orders that one of the hostages on the surface be executed, just for Kirk being a pain in his ass. Saavik is chosen, but Marcus is killed defending Saavik and Spock. Kirk mourns his son's death for about thirty seconds, acted out in a very Shatner-style manner, before Kirk and company then feign surrender and activate the Enterprise's self-destruct sequence, killing the Klingon boarding party while the Enterprise crew transports to the planet's surface to find Spock and Saavik. James Kirk, ladies and gentleman. He sacrificed a multi-billion dollar starship to kill six Klingons that he and his crew of middle-aged, typecast actors couldn't subdue if their lives depended on it. On the planet's surface, and promising the secret of Genesis, Kirk lures Kruge to the planet and has him beam his crew to the Klingon vessel. As the Genesis planet disintegrates, Kirk and Kruge engage in a fistfight; Kirk emerges victorious after kicking Kruge off a cliff into a lava flow. Kirk and his officers take control of the Klingon ship and head to Vulcan. 

There, Spock's katra is reunited with his body in a dangerous procedure called fal-tor-pan (You're welcome again, basement dwellers). The Vulcan village elder warns that what they're are trying has not been attempted "since ages past", but Sarek is getting pretty desperate to want to keep Leonard Nimoy in these movies and persists. Since both McCoy and Spock could die in the procedure, it totally works and Spock is resurrected, alive and well, though his memories are fragmented. At Kirk's prompting, Spock remembers he called Kirk "Jim" and recognizes the crew. His friends joyfully gather around him, even as Takei weirdly places his hand on Nimoy's chest for some reason...and that's where the movie ends, with the Enterprise crew stranded on Vulcan in a Klingon starship. Some ending. Now there had to be a sequel just to get them out of this mess.

That's Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. It's corny at times, it's mundane, and its action moments, while compelling, don't quite follow up what awesomeness that Star Trek II delivered. It continues the Genesis story in an interesting way, even culminating in the theft of the starship Enterprise, something we thought we'd never witness, and even a semi-decent hand-to-hand combat scene between William Shatner and Christopher Lloyd. Kruge makes a great villain, but I'll be damned if I can't watch this movie once without making Back to the Future jokes. Leonard Nimoy's first of two directed Star Trek movies, and it isn't half-bad, it just could've been a hell of a lot more action-packed and a little less droning. Still, if I had to describe it in just one word, I'd say "decent".

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #7 - Star Trek: Nemesis

I put this one a little higher on the list than a lot of other peoples'. It's the tenth and final Star Trek film of the original series, starting with the original cast in '79 and ending now with the cast of The Next Generation in '02. It's the final voyage of William Riker and Deanna Troi under command of Jean-Luc Picard before they go off on their own ship and their own adventures, and (spoiler warning) it's the final act of kindness from Data himself. That's right, this movie had the balls to kill of Data. That's like having the balls to kill off Spock *snickers incoherently*.

The film opens On Romulus where members of the Romulan Imperial Senate debate whether to accept the terms of peace and alliance with the Reman rebel leader Shinzon. Who is Shinzon? Why should we care at this point? Has he been discussed in any prior Star Trek form of media, or his race of anti-Romulans called "Remans"? (Get it? Romulan and Reman? Do you get it? Wacka wacka). He's Tom Hardy, you'll care in a few scenes and how the shit should I know? I'm not a Trekkie. Anywho. It turns out that the Remans are a slave race of the Romulan Empire, used as miners and as cannon fodder. To me that means that the Romulans load Reman personnel into cannons and fire them at enemy vessels. Wait...that's exactly what that means? OH THE HUMANITY. A faction of the Reman military is in support of Shinzon, but the Praetor and senate are opposed to an alliance. After rejecting the motion, the Praetor and remaining senators are disintegrated by a device left in the room by a military-aligned senator. Probably should've checked that guy's luggage.

Meanwhile, the crew of the USS Enterprise-E are at a wedding shindig for first officer Commander William Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Counselor Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis). As I said, they are also preparing to depart for greener pastures, which includes not flying on the most fired-upon, politically involved ship in the Starfleet. Kudos to them for signing paperwork to protect their futures. During a routine mission sailing through space, the group discovers a positronic energy reading on a planet in the Kolaran system near the Romulan Neutral Zone. Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), Lieutenant Commander Worf (Michael Dorn), and Lieutenant Commander Data (Brent Spiner) land on Kolarus III and discover the remnants of an android resembling Data. When the android is reassembled it introduces itself as B-4 (also Brent Spiner). After all, being identical to Data wouldn't warrant the need of a completely different actor, now would it?

Picard is contacted by Vice-Admiral Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew, a surprising MCU-esque inclusion) and orders the ship on a diplomatic mission to nearby Romulus. Janeway explains that the Romulan Empire has been taken over in a military coup by Shinzon, who says he wants peace with the Federation and to bring freedom to Remus. So...let me get this straight, the Romulan Empire; probably the second-most dangerous regime in the galaxy to oppose the Federation, was taken over and assumed control over by Shinzon and his band of cannon fodder? Just how well are the Romulans equipped to do anything, really? We find out in Star Trek (2009) that they can't even predict a supernova happening with years of "heads up", so this shouldn't even surprise retrospectively speaking. On arrival, the crew of the Enterprise-E learns that Shinzon is a clone of Picard, secretly created by Romulans to plant a high-ranking spy into the Federation. How do they know he's a clone of Picard? Because he's bald. That's it. He doesn't look a single thing like Picard other than the fact that he's bald. How cunning.

After many years, Shinzon became a leader of the Remans, and constructed his heavily armed flagship, the Scimitar. Initially, diplomatic efforts go well, but the Enterprise-E crew discover that the Scimitar is producing low levels of thalaron radiation, which had been used to kill the Imperial Senate and is deadly to nearly all life forms. There are also unexpected attempts to communicate with the Enterprise-E computers, and Shinzon himself violates Troi's mind through the telepathy of his Reman viceroy while she's doing the nasty with Riker, the dirty son-of-a-bitch pervert.

Soon, Dr. Crusher, in her increasingly subsidized role as each movie goes on, discovers that Shinzon is aging rapidly because of the poor process used to clone him, and the only possible means to stop the aging is a transfusion of Picard's own blood. One transfusion of blood will stop Shinzon's problematic genetic makeup. Makes sense to me *cough*. Shinzon kidnaps Picard from the Enterprise-E, as well as B-4, having planted the android on the nearby planet to lure Picard closer to the Border. However, Data reveals he has swapped places with B-4, rescues Picard, and returns with Picard to the Enterprise-E. So that renders the kidnapping of Picard ENTIRELY POINTLESS. They learn that the Scimitar possess the same kind of thalaron radiation in the form of a large-scale weapon, planning to use it on Earth and invade and take over the Federation. You know, that'll ruin some people's weekends.

The Enterprise-E races back to Federation space to unite with a large scale attack fleet (which wouldn't do any good anyway, but I digress) but is ambushed by the Scimitar in the Bassen Rift, a region that prevents any subspace communications. Two Romulan Warbirds come to the aid of the Enterprise-E, as they do not want to comply in Shinzon's genocidal plans (Why I don't know. He seems like such a stand-up guy). They prove to be about as useful as a kick in the balls, as Shinzon destroys one and disables the other within two minutes. Recognizing the need to stop the Scimitar at all costs, Picard orders the Enterprise-E to ram the other ship, in probably the coolest scene in recent Trek films. The collision leaves both ships heavily damaged, the Enterprise-E like somebody tried taking a fucking bite out of it, and destroys the Scimitar's primary weapons. Seeing no alternative, Shinzon activates the thalaron weapon to wipe out both ships. Picard boards the Scimitar to face Shinzon alone, and eventually kills him by impaling him on a metal strut. Data jumps the distance between the two ships (No literally, jumps the fucking distance between the ships through space) armed with a personal transporter (convenient device is convenient) to beam Picard back to the Enterprise-E, and then sacrifices himself when he fires his phaser at the thalaron generator to destroy the Scimitar, saving the Enterprise-E, the Federation and planet Earth in the process. The crew mourn Data, and the surviving Romulan commander offers them her gratitude for saving the Empire. Yeah fuck all that. Data's dead. Screw the Romulans and their wants and needs.

The Enterprise-E now back at Earth for repairs, Picard bids farewell to newly promoted Captain Riker, who is leaving to command the USS Titan and begin a possible peace-negotiation mission with the Romulans. All we can say is "It's about fucking time, assholes". Picard meets with B-4, discovering that Data had downloaded the engrams of his neural net into B-4's positronic matrix before he boarded the Scimitar, thus needlessly keeping the hope for a sequel alive in the fans and literally nobody else who was involved with this turkey.

Star Trek: Nemesis is a tired movie. It runs very much on the franchise's fatigue and even after marathoning all of the movies, you can't help but realize this one doesn't stand out all that well. I rank it above the others because it's got action and at least some interestingly repugnant characters to look at (Looking at you, Ron Pearlman). But it's just so 'meh' that it almost really isn't there. The final battle is epic, but the climax loses momentum when the battle stops and Picard boards the Scimitar. Also, Tom Hardy gave it his all, but the Remans weren't really as awe-inspiring villain as we'd like to think. I liked their warbird and the type of damage it could do, but the Remans themselves look like deceased pigs that got left out in the sun too long. All-in-all, not an awful Star Trek film, but it isn't very memorable.

Ranking the "Star Trek" Movies: #8 - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Oh man. This is where we're getting to grab the shovel and scrape the bottom of the shit-barrel and dig out the contents for all to see. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier comes to us in 1989, a decade after the debacle of that was Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Since then the series saw two great movies and one iffy movie. I'll let you guess which ones are which if you're reading this in order. So, why does Star Trek V suck so much? Well, not only is it hokey, cheesy, ridiculous and every synonym for "ludicrous" in the book, the movie just doesn't feel like your typical Star Trek adventure.

It starts out with a Vulcan on Nimbus III approaching a guy who looks just like Voldemort. I swear to God, it's his doppelganger. The Vulcan dismounts his horse, says the man feels great pain, then offers to let him join him on his quest for "ultimate Star Trek action! Well, back on Nimbus III, the Vulcan who recruited Voldemort, named Sybok, takes over an outpost in "Paradise City" (no copyright intended). This outpost just so happened to be the one selected for a governmental meeting between a human (David Warner), a Klingon (Charles Cooper) and a Romulan (Cynthia Gouw) to discuss diplomatic topics. Sybok's capturing of the diplomats springs Kirk and the others into action as the newly-christened Enterprise-A charges to Nimbus III. The party arrives there and...*Sigh*.
knowledge". About as vague as you could be. Then we find Kirk (William Shatner), Spock (Leonard Nimoy) and Bones (DeForest Kelley) enjoying shore leave. The three of them sit around a campfire reminiscing about being young space adventurers before teaching Spock to sing the lyrics of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Truly captivating

So basically, to sneak into compound, Kirk and the others require a distraction. The distraction they chose is to have Lieutenant Uhura, played by the (at this point middle-age) Nichelle Nichols, to strip down and sing about "the eyes of love". This placates and distracts the gate guards from their post as they start crawling over to her like horny blockheads. Two officers spring up with phaser rifles and stop them, allowing Kirk, Spock and Bones to ride horseback all the way to Paradise City. Spock attempts to locate the prisoners while inside. After Kirk tries to rush him, Spock tells him to "hold his horse" (Goooood God, that line). They later make it into the bar and locate the three diplomats, now under Sybok's control. Sybok reveals he captured the diplomats to lure the Enterprise-A crew in. He means to capture the vessel and use it to travel to the center of the galaxy, where he hopes to pass through the Great Barrier to the planet of Sha-Ka-Ree. There, he believes he will be able to locate God.

*Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

So basically, yes. Sybok is looking for God. Not in the sense of "Seeking religious enlightenment" or "Praying for an inner spiritual awakening". No, I mean he means to drive down the galaxy and look for the mailbox that says "God" on it. He's literally trying to physically locate where God is and question why he's been hiding from the Universe this whole time and he believes it's past the Great Barrier at the center of the galaxy on the planet Sha-Ka-Ree. Kirk, Spock and Bones are sent to the brig, but Scotty (James Doohan) busts them out. They use Spock's gravity boots to have a goofy action sequence in the elevator shaft before being captured again. During the scene on the bridge, Sybok uses his powers to bring Bones and Spock to inner and outer emotional pain. After this, the trio agree to allow Sybok to use the Enterprise-A to pass the Great Barrier to Sha-Ka-Ree. On the planet's surface, the trio and Sybok come across a mystical entity in a rock formation who claims to be the Almighty Spirit. Rather than inquiring about their intentions and good will, the entity demands the ship be brought closer so that it can carry him past the Barrier. Kirk ponders why "God needs a starship". The entity attacks both Kirk and Spock, leaving Sybok to sacrifice himself and join with the entity to remove it from existence. Kirk flees as Spock and McCoy are beamed up to the Enterprise-A safely. Kirk, stranded on the surface below, is just about killed by the entity as a Klingon vessel is found to have broken through the unbreakable Great Barrier to find them. I should mention this is the same Klingon vessel that's been hunting them all movie. Why did I just now tell you about this? Well it was so insignificant to the plot just now that it wasn't even worth mentioning. So the diplomats are rescued, Sybok is dead, "God" is destroyed and Kirk gives us some half-assed Disney style explanation that "God maybe isn't out there, maybe he's in our hearts". Goooooood God.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier took a weird turn in terms of storytelling. It was an attempt to cross science with religion and the results are about as clusterfuck-y as you'd expect. On top of that, the executive at Paramount who decided to let William Shatner direct this one should've been fired on the spot. The special effects weren't even all that great. To my knowledge, it was one of the few, if not the only one, whose special effects weren't done by Industrial Light & Magic, the special effects shop founded by guru special effects magi George Lucas. There's too many jokes in the movie, too. It's almost too lighthearted. I get that Star Trek could stand to be much more lighthearted, but even this was pushing it. "Hold your horse, captain". Need I say anything more? Oh yes, the "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" scene...which they actually reprise at the end of the movie. God forbid we didn't get a finish to that story arc. Does Spock learn the song or doesn't he? Just tell me!

Star Trek V is one I can do without. Sybok's a strange villain with a strange power that isn't even given a backstory quality enough to warrant us feeling bad or remorse for him when he dies. We find out he's Spock's half-brother, I guess that's about as close as we're going to get. The whole "God" climax cut much of the special effects cut when Paramount slashed the movie's shooting schedule and effects budget. Ten rock men were going to fight Kirk, making for a much more entertaining finish to the movie, if nothing else. The actors make caricatures out of their legendary characters. Sulu and Chekov are so undermined or have nothing better to do in the entire movie, so either they're comic relief or they're nothing at all. Scotty literally bonks his head on a low hanging pipe and falls backwards like a slapstick routine. It's just plain silly. Skip it.