A Review of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone"

Y   E   A   R        O   N   E

HARRY POTTER and the SORCERER's STONE

We're about to embark on a magical journey. One where I will surely have opinions you don't agree with about a world that has a bigger, more devoted fanbase than any other franchise in the world. The fantasy genre has quite a bunch of fans ready and willing to defend its honor until they day they croak and go in the ground, and Harry Potter is no exception. Today, we're going to kick-start my "Wizarding World of Having Nothing Better to Do" Reviews by diving into the first movie, adapted from the first book in this series by whimsical crazy-lady JK Rowling. Yes, that JK Rowling. The woman who frequently incorporates Harry Potter, a boy wizard she dreamed up on an acid trip one night, into intense political discussions and disagreements over social media. Yep... her. Called Philosopher's Stone in the United Kingdom and Sorcerer's Stone in the United States, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone tells a fascinatingly family friendly story about wizards who shoot at each other with magic spells and curse anyone they don't like, and they attend a full-blown castle school to become powerful wizards, governed by some of the most well-respected and legendary British actors in the world of cinema's history. Let's dive right in, shaaaall we?

Santa came to bring Harry his present early, the gift of
guaranteed sequels

In late 1981, Albus Dumbledore (Sir Richard Harris), Minerva McGonagall (Dame Maggie Smith), and Rubeus Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane), professors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, deliver a recently orphaned infant named Harry Potter (some baby) to his only remaining relatives, the Dursleys. When you come to realize how the Dursleys will treat him, you'll find out that the Wizarding World must not love Harry that much because ten years later, we find out Harry has been battling a disjointed life with the Dursleys. "Disjointed" is putting it lightly. This is downright child abuse. After inadvertently causing an accident during a family trip to the zoo, sicking a Burmese Python on his idiot cousin Dudley (Harry Melling), Harry begins receiving unsolicited letters by owls. After the Dursleys escape to an island to avoid any more letters, Hagrid re-appears and informs Harry that he is actually a wizard, and has been accepted into Hogwarts, a school that sounds made up that he didn't even apply to, against the Dursleys' wishes. After taking Harry to Diagon Alley to buy his supplies for Hogwarts including a wizard uniform, a wand and a pet owl named Hedwig as a birthday present, Hagrid informs him of his past; Harry is the son of two wizards, well, one wizard and one "Muggle" (a Rowlingese term for a non-magical person) who met their demise via a Killing Curse at the hands of Lord Voldemort, a malevolent, all-powerful wizard. Hyped as the wizarding Adolf Hitler, turns out he's pretty inept in coming up with a surefire plan to kill Harry because it takes him seven books to even be a threat. Harry, the only survivor in the chaos, thus becomes well-known in the wizarding world as "The Boy Who Lived".

"Ron, these adult-sized robes don't fit"
"Shut up, Harry. Cameras are rolling."

Harry is then taken to King's Cross station to board a train to the school, where he meets three other students: Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint), whom he quickly befriends; Hermione Granger (Emma Watson, the only one who could nail down a semi-regular career), an intelligent witch born to muggle parents; and Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton), a child from a wealthy wizarding family whom Harry immediately clashes with. Why? Probably because he acts like the most smug arrogant prick in the world. He's easily one of the guys you could point at and be like "He's the bad guy". That's Power Rangers level of writing. After arriving at school, the students assemble in the Great Hall, where Harry and all the other "first-years" are sorted by the Sorting Hat (voiced by Leslie Phillips) between four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Although the Sorting Hat considers placing Harry in Slytherin alongside Draco, he is placed into Gryffindor alongside Ron and Hermione... simply by asking that he not be placed in Slytherin. Doesn't that underwhelm the Sorting Hat's very purpose? I don't know, probably not, but to the casual viewer it feels like it. Hogwarts is also an oddball school. Dumbledore, just out of the blue is like "Don't go to the third floor corridor or you'll die" to ten year olds. Who would attend a school where you have the risk of dying--, oh wait. Schools nowadays are unsafe. Alright, point taken. Moving on.

Harry, your story is a lot like Batman.
Just without the costume and the crime-fighting.

At Hogwarts, Harry begins learning magic spells and discovers more about his past and his parents. After recovering the Remembrall of clumsy Gryffindor student Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis), Harry is recruited for Gryffindor's Quidditch team as a Seeker, which is extremely rare for first-year students. What is Quidditch you may ask? Imagine the game of soccer, but while the soccer players are playing, one guy from each team chases a totally seperate ball around and the first one to touch it, their team wins. All while on broomsticks in the air. Done. Quidditch. Anyway, while exploring the school one night, Harry and his friends discover a giant three-headed dog named Fluffy in a restricted area of the school. Ron insults Hermione after being embarrassed by her in a charms lesson with Professor Flitwick (Warwick Davis), causing Hermione to lock herself in the girls' bathroom to cry all day. Ron just hazes her for being a snooty bitch and she just... hides all fucking day... to cry. Couldn't she be any tougher than that? Well, we hope so, because she is soon attacked by a troll but Harry and Ron manage to save her, befriending her in the process.

...and since Harry is Batman, here's Robin and Batgirl.

The children later find out Fluffy is guarding the Philosopher's Stone, an object that can be used to grant its owner immortality. Harry suspects that potions teacher and head of Slytherin House Severus Snape (Alan Rickman) is trying to obtain the stone in order to return Voldemort to physical form. Hagrid accidentally reveals to the trio that Fluffy will fall asleep if played music. Hagrid, by the way, is a big dumb oaf... revealing several secrets by just blurting them out and then taking a step back and being like "...shit." Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide that night to try and find the stone before Snape does, but discover that Fluffy is already asleep. They get past Fluffy and face a series of safeguards. These include surviving a deadly plant known as Devil's Snare, a room filled with aggressive flying keys which bruises Harry, and a dangerous life-sized game of chess that nearly kills Ron. Not going to lie, though. The lifesize game of Wizard's Chess is pretty sick. The scene alone is amazingly paced and tense, thanks to the legendary John Williams' score for the film.

"What was it you said, Potter? Oh yes.
Yippee-ki-yay... mugglefucker."

After getting past the tasks, Harry, alone, discovers that it was Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Quirrell (Ian Hart) who was trying to claim the stone, and that Snape was actually protecting Harry all along. Quirrell removes his turban and reveals a weak Voldemort to be living on the back of his head... a pretty chilling and cool revelation. I remember that sticking with me since I went to see the movie in theaters all the way back in 2001. Through an enchantment placed by Dumbledore, Harry finds himself in possession of the stone... somehow. I don't know if it's explained all that well in the book, but Harry just some how ends up with the Stone in his pocket when he's looking into the Mirror. Voldemort attempts to bargain the stone from Harry in exchange for bringing his parents back from the dead, but Harry refuses, causing Quirrell to attack. Harry kills Quirrell by burning his skin and reducing him to dust, after which Voldemort's spirit rises from Quirrell's ashes and passes through Harry, knocking him unconscious. Later on, Harry wakes up in the school's hospital wing with Dumbledore at his side. Dumbledore explains that the Stone has been destroyed and that Ron and Hermione are safe. Dumbledore also reveals how Harry was able to defeat Quirrell: when Harry's mother died to save him, her death gave Harry a love-based protection against Voldemort. Love burns Voldemort to ashes upon touching it. Incredible. See how entirely useless Voldemort is? Oh don't worry, it gets even funnier. At the conclusion of the party, Dumbledore announces that Slytherin is about to win the House Cup before he has a few last minute points to award. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are rewarded with house points for their heroic performances, tying them for first place with Slytherin. Dumbledore then awards ten points to Neville, who had attempted to stop his friends, giving Gryffindor enough points to win the House Cup, completely cheating Slytherin out of the House Cup like an asshole. Sure, his reasonings make sense, but's kind of a douche move especially when Slytherin was that fucking close to getting the House Cup. Harry then returns home for the summer, happy to finally have a real home in Hogwarts.

"You're a unit of light, Harry."
"I'm a watt?"

The first film is truly a wonderous family film for all to enjoy. It's light-hearted for the most part, minus a few creepy elements here and there. Obviously, Voldemort's face on the back of Quirrell's head is kind of a "what the fuck" moment for any casual viewer. This movie made sure to demonstrate what kind of world the Wizarding World was. It showcases a lot of magical moments, a lot of attention is put on building the world for the future sequels. Harry, Ron and Hermione react tot heir surroundings as any normal kid would, with wonder and amazement. For being an early 2000s movie the special effects are pretty decent, except for Voldemort's face, which looks rubbery at best. Still, the series would only get better as time wore one. It's a great setup piece, a fun adventure with brilliant British actors and actresses making up much of the cast and hilarious tidbits of magic and mischief. It would be nothing like the films that would follow it, but it's great romp nevertheless. It's even aided by John Williams's subtle and charming score, including "Hedwig's theme", whose musical notes would become the very staple of the entire franchise. If you've never seen Harry Potter, where better to start than where it all began? Give it a watch. Hopefully it'll spark your interest for the future movies.

Coming Soon: "Cody's Wizarding World of Having Nothing Better to Do" Reviews

Well, November was a nice rest. Halloween wore me out so bad that I was wondering if I was ever going to get back into the swing of my blogging endeavors and torture you all with the thought of me having so much free time that I sit around, watch movies, and write about them. So! Let's not dilly the dally any longer, I came here today because for the month of December '18, I'll be revisiting the Harry Potter movies. That's right; I've elected to save people some money by digging my own grave.

Sounds fun, am I right? Yeah, but it's been quite an eternity since I've seen them all. As they went on, I watched them less and less. One and Two I've seen the most, Three and Four I've seen the next "most", Five and Six I think I've seen once or twice apiece, and both of Seven I think I've seen once. People this day in age tend to look at you funny when you tell them you're not that into Harry Potter, and by "look at you funny" I mean audibly go "What?". Yeah, I was never a big fan of Harry Potter. Sure, they're good family movies, they just were never something I pounded on the door of movie theaters to let me see. I have a curse of my own you could say (heh heh). The whole story just seemed a little backwards to me, but that's alright I suppose (Tries desperately to tip-toe explanation through minefield of agitated readers). It's the story of a boy wizard whom a totally inept villain failed to kill because he was protected by love, who finds that he's been "accepted to a wizarding school" that he didn't even apply to, to be trained as a wizard and be re-introduced into the very world that could get him killed in the first place? Didn't make much sense to me... but I digress. There's a lot of stuff more explained in the books that I'm missing. I think Chamber of Secrets and Order of the Phoenix were the only two books I read. See? I'll bet your nails are digging into the back of your phone or tablet as we speak.

So consider this an outsider's perspective. I know marginally-minimal things about the lore, the world and the characters, so I'm ignoring all of that. I'll let the lore built in the novels speak for itself and leave it be. I'm simply reviewing the movies: How they entertain, how they look, how they sound, and how they tell a story as movies. Not as Harry Potter movies. Let me make that clear: Put down your knives and pitchforks, because again, I like these movies. You just may not agree with how I'm going about it. I'll see about setting up a weblink so that you can send me hate mail. SO. Without further ado, I'll get watching. If you're interested, feel free to give 'em a click when they're out. They'll at least be humorous if nothing else!

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Freddy vs. Jason"

LOL They even made it look like a boxing poster.

Happy Halloween everyone. The ghosts are about, the goblins are playing their under-the-table card games, black cats are howling in the night and... I've got this completely mixed up. Oh well, who cares. It's time to get to the main event. We've been through it all, guys. Seventeen blog posts this month, chronicling two of the most iconic slasher movie villains of all time. Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th and Freddy Krueger of A Nightmare on Elm Street. They duked it out in the box office for close to twenty years at this point, yet neither man had anything left in the tank on their own. However, right around 2000, people started getting curious. "What if they fought?" "What if they slapped each other silly?" "What if we did one of the greatest versus movies of all time?" Much like the computer fight in Rocky Balboa, the ending of Jason Goes to Hell where Freddy Krueger's clawed hand grabbed Jason's mask and pulled it under the dirt got people talking. Well, in 2003, we got our wish in probably one of the best 'versus' movies of all time, as well as a gloriously produced 1980s slasher movie throwback nostalgia movie. It's witty, it's silly, it's weird, it's cheesy; it's a good one. Let's roll!

Showdown of the Immortals

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund, in his final film appearance as Freddy) is rendered powerless in Hell because the people of Springwood manage to make the youth forget about him. Today? That would never happen. The internet would keep Freddy alive when weird basement dwellers read Wikipedia articles about serial killers. God, could you imagine if Netflix made a "Making a Murderer" episode about Freddy?  Anywho, isguised as a poorly cosplayed Pamela Voorhees, Freddy manipulates Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger) into coming back to life and start killing Springwood teenagers to generate fear of Freddy's presumed return. In Springwood, Lori Campbell (Monica Keena) lives with her widowed father and has her friends Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland), Gibb Smith (Katharine Isabelle), Trey (Jesse Hutch), and Blake staying over. That night, Jason kills Trey, and the police suspect Freddy, fearing his return. Following a nightmare where Freddy tries to kill Blake but fails due to not being powerful enough, Blake awakens to find his father beheaded before Jason kills him as well. The next day, police claim it to be a murder–suicide, hoping to contain Freddy. Already, this does feel like a cheap 1980s slasher movie, but being made in 2003, I'll give that as a compliment.

Give your burnt uncle Freddy a smooch

Lori's ex-boyfriend Will Rollins (Jason Ritter) and friend Mark Davis (Brendan Fletcher) are patients at Westin Hills Psychiatric Hospital, from the Nightmare mythology. They take Hypnocil to suppress their dreams due to previous contact with Freddy. A news report about the murders motivate Mark and Will to escape and return to Springwood in order to warn Lori about Freddy. That night, Lori and the others attend a rave at a cornfield, a full-on party and therefore a slasher movie's favorite target for teenage slaughter. Freddy tries to kill Gibb in a nightmare, but Jason kills her in the real world along with several other attendees in the rave, going on one giant bloodbath, which causes Freddy to realize that Jason's rampage will deny him victims. Freddy begins losing faith in Jason and decides to take action to suppress or even kill Jason.

Our lovestory takes a backseat to two immortal
uglies slashing at each other.

Charlie Linderman (Chris Marquette) and Bill Freeburg (Kyle Labine) escape the rave along with Will, Lori, and Kia. Later, Will explains to Lori that the reason he was sent to Westin Hills was because he saw her father murder her mother, before going to Mark's house. However, they discover Freddy killing Mark and leaving a message on his body that declares his full-powered return. Deputy Scott Stubbs (Lochlyn Munro) approaches Lori and her friends, who realize Freddy's plan and convince him of the truth. Learning of Hypnocil, they attempt to steal it from Westin Hills and see many teenagers in a coma-like-state due to prolonged Hypnocil use, but Freddy possesses Freeburg and disposes of the medicine. Having followed them, Jason electrocutes Stubbs to death but is tranquilized by a possessed Freeburg, whom Jason kills before falling asleep. "Come to Freddy", GOD I love Robert Englund's voice in this one.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours

Taking Jason's body with them, the teens devise a plan to pull Freddy from the dream world into reality and force him to fight Jason. They take the unconscious Jason to the now abandoned Camp Crystal Lake, which I always thought was in New Jersey. Yet, Springwood is in Ohio. That's... a pretty fucking far drive. Meanwhile, Freddy battles Jason in the dream world. where Freddy has the advantage due to his dream powers, and Jason takes an absolute shithouse of a beating, even with comedic pinball sound effects. Freddy learns that Jason is afraid of water (a plot device that contradicts earlier Friday the 13th films) and uses this fear to render Jason powerless. Meanwhile, Lori goes to sleep and tries to save Jason. Freddy attacks her and reveals himself as her mother's killer, having possessed her father to do it. Jason, meanwhile, awakens at Camp Crystal Lake and chases the teens into a cabin. That's what I love about this movie. It goes from A Nightmare on Elm Street to Friday the 13th and back again. Linderman is killed after trying to fight Jason and the cabin ignites. Lori is awakened and manages to pull Freddy into the real world where he is confronted by Jason. As the two begin to fight, the remaining teens escape the cabin. The fight between Freddy and Jason is understandably gruesome, complete with all the gore and violence and Freddy one-liners you could want.

Better than trying to sing Jason a lullaby, I suppose

Freddy escapes Jason and goes after the teens, but he is distracted by Kia—until Jason suddenly kills her out of nowhere. The two killers resume their battle until they reach a dock on the lake, where Freddy stabs Jason's eyes, and Jason tears off Freddy's clawed arm. Lori and Will attempt to kill the two by pouring gasoline on the dock and setting it ablaze. Some propane tanks explode nearby, blasting Jason and Freddy into the lake. Freddy climbs out and attempts to kill Lori and Will, but is impaled by Jason with his own clawed arm before the latter falls back into the lake. Lori decapitates Freddy, telling Freddy "Welcome to My World, Bitch!" avenging the deaths of her friends and her mother. Freddy's body falls into the lake and sinks to the bottom. Lori and Will leave Camp Crystal Lake as the only survivors.

The next day, Jason emerges from the water, holding his machete and Freddy's severed head. However, Freddy winks to the audience before laughing off-screen, leaving the fight a complete draw. 

Freddy vs Jason is a quintessential slasher movie, versus movie, teen movie and gorefest all rolled into one. Surprisingly, it was a very good "versus" movie, and still remains as an example of how to do excellent justice to both parties when you make a movie such as this. Alien vs Predator failed to this, Alien vs Predator - Requiem failed even worse, and I can't think of another versus movie we got after that. Sure we get "Marvel crossovers", but those aren't as a badass as this. Freddy vs Jason set a precedent on how to do proper versus movies, as well as honoring both mythologies that both sides came from. The script was a solid backbone to build a foundation on, and the fact that Robert Englund came back for one last run as Freddy was just the icing on the cake.

Well that was it. Eighteen posts in October.
I'm exhausted, understandably. Think I'll go nap for like... a month and a half.
Peace.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Jason X"

Jason visits the clothing shop in Los Santos

So the 90s went by quick. The 1980s was the decade of Freddy and Jason's heydays. There were eight Jason entries and five Freddy entries. The '90s on the other hand? We got two more Freddy entries but only one Jason entry. The fire had definitely been extinguished as both men's best days were undoubtedly behind them. Well, now it's the 2000s and two very terrible things befell this decade. One of which was September 11th, 2001 and the other of which was Jason X. A movie that teaches us that you don't have to honor the previous movies, do them justice, respect the franchise or the legacy and mythology it's built, be coherent, be funny or witty, or really do anything right in general... if all you want to do is cash-in on taking Jason Voorhees and tossing him into outer space. It just sucks, sucks, sucks. It's obviously like The Room, in the case that it was made to suck. But if we're going to review it as a horror movie, it's not even remotely scary. Not even close. If we're going to review it as a comedy, I mean it's funny, but only painfully and accidentally. It's just dreadful to sit through. I had to dig into this shit-heap, for you, and find out why. Let's roll.

Yes... "scientist".

In the distant future of 2010 (Cue the laughter), Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) is captured by the United States government and held at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. Right off the bat, continuity is tossed out the airlock. It's evident this movie doesn't follow any continuity because Jason was dragged to Hell at the end of... well... Jason Goes to Hell. So it's pretty evident that this was just some arthouse boner's acid trip that he put on an 80-page script and said "GOLD". Government scientist Rowan LaFontaine (Lexa Doig) decides to place Jason in frozen stasis after several failed attempts to kill him. While Private Samuel Johnson (Jeff Geddis) places a blanket on Jason, Dr. Wimmer (David Cronenberg), Sergeant Marcus (Markus Parilo), and a few soldiers hope to further research Jason's rapid cellular regeneration and try to take Jason. They pull off the blanket covering his body, but find Johnson dead, instead. Having broken free of his restraints, Jason kills the soldiers and Wimmer. Rowan lures Jason into a cryogenic pod and activates it. Jason then ruptures the pod with his machete and stabs Rowan in the abdomen, spilling cryogenic fluid into the sealed room and freezing them both.

Four hundred and forty-five years later, in 2455 (We'll have a hard time hitting that one), Earth has become too polluted to support life and humans have moved to a new planet, Earth Two. Three students, Tsunaron (Chuck Campbell), Janessa (Melyssa Ade), and Azrael (Dov Tiefenbach), are on a field trip led by Professor Braithwaite Lowe (Jonathan Potts), who is accompanied by an Android robot, KM-14 (Lisa Ryder... basically our "Milla Jovovich" copycat for this movie). They enter the Crystal Lake facility and find the still-frozen Jason and Rowan, whom they bring to their spaceship, the Grendel. Why? Great question. You'll have a lot of those watching this. Also on the ship are Lowe's remaining students, the rest of our killing gallery, Kinsa (Melody Johnson), Waylander (Derwin Jordan), and Stoney (Yani Gellman). They reanimate Rowan while Jason is pronounced dead and left in the morgue. Lowe's intern, Adrienne Thomas (Kristi Angus), is ordered to dissect Jason's body. Lowe, who is in serious debt, calls his financial backer Dieter Perez (Robert A. Silverman), of the Solaris, who recognizes Jason's name and notes that Jason's body could be worth a substantial amount to a collector. Why? I don't know. You ever wonder if Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer are worth a substantial amount of money now? Doubt it.

Our discount Samuel L. Jackson for the movie

While Stoney and Kinsa are having sex... weird, odd, fetish sex... Jason thaws out and attacks Adrienne (who doesn't even dress like a scientist), then freezes her face with liquid nitrogen before smashing her head to pieces on a counter. Movie gets some credit...  decent kill. Jason takes a machete-shaped surgical tool and makes his way through the ship. He stabs Stoney in the chest and drags him to his death, to Kinsa's horror. Sergeant Brodski (Peter Mensah) leads a group of soldiers to attack Jason. Meanwhile, Jason attacks and kills Dallas by bashing his skull against the wall after breaking Azrael's back. He then tries to attack Crutch, but Brodski and his soldiers save him. Jason disappears; after Brodski splits up his team, Jason kills them one by one. Lowe orders Pilot Lou (Boyd Banks) to dock in on Solaris, a nearby space station. As he is talking with the Solaris engineer, he is hacked apart by Jason. With no pilot, the ship crashes through Solaris, destroying it, and killing Dieter Perez and everyone else on the Solaris. The crash damages one of the Grendel's pontoon sections. Jason breaks into the lab, reclaims his machete and decapitates Lowe. So, business as usual in this point in the flick... just if Jason Voorhees somehow attacked the Sulaco from Aliens and started hacking Colonial Marines to pieces.

Our parody Aliens staff with our Resident Evil
Milla Jovovich clone

With the ship badly damaged, the remaining survivors head for Grendel's shuttle, while Tsunaron heads elsewhere with KM-14. After finding Lou's remains, Crutch (Philip Williams) and Waylander prepare the shuttle. Rowan finds Brodski, but he is too heavy for her to carry, so she leaves to get help. Waylander leaves to help with him, while Crutch prepares the shuttle. Jason kills Crutch by electrocution. On board the shuttle, Kinsa hears of Crutch's death and has a panic attack... which is just bad timing to start having a mental breakdown. She attempts to escape alone and leave everyone else for dead by launching the shuttle but forgets to release the fuel line, causing it to crash into the ship's hull and explode, killing her. Tsunaron reappears with an upgraded KM-14, complete with an array of weapons and new combat skills. She cartwheels and fights Jason off and seemingly kills him, knocking him into a nanite-equipped medical station and blasting off his right arm, left leg, right rib cage, and, finally, part of his head. Don't mess with Milla.

Walking into a VR lobby like "SUP."

The survivors set explosive charges to separate the remaining pontoon from the main drive section. As they work, Jason is accidentally brought back to life by the damaged medical station, rebuilt as an even more powerful cyborg called Uber Jason... the kind of Jason that you can summon to take your drunk ass to Taco Bell at 2 AM for some quesaritos (ba dum tss). Uber Jason easily defeats KM-14 by punching her head off. As Tsunaron picks up her still-functioning head, Jason attacks them but is stopped by Waylander, who sacrifices himself by setting off the charges while the others escape. Jason survives and is blown back onto the shuttle. He punches a hole through the hull, blowing out Janessa. A power failure with the docking door forces Brodski to go EVA to fix it. Meanwhile, a hard light holographic simulation of Crystal Lake is created to distract Jason, along with two virtual teenagers to distract him, which works at first but he sees through the deception just as the door is fixed. Nice little touching throwback to the Friday the 13th movies of old. God how I miss them by comparison. Gotta give this scene credit, though. Sure makes me want to stop this movie and go watch one of those. Brodski confronts Jason so that the rest can escape. As they leave, the pontoon explodes, propelling Jason at high speed towards the survivors; however, Brodski intercepts Jason in mid-flight and maneuvers them both into the atmosphere of Earth Two, incinerating them. Tsunaron, Rowan, and KM-14 celebrate having escaped successfully, and Tsunaron assures KM-14 that he will build a new body for her. I'd sure like to see how Jason will survive atmospheric incineration, but if the Hollywood dollar is powerful enough, he'll find a way. I'm almost right... because on Earth Two, a pair of teenagers beside a lake see what they believe is a falling star as Jason's charred mask sinks to the bottom of the lake. The teenagers go to investigate and then nothing happens, setting up a possible DNA rebirth in yet another sequel that doesn't happen.

"What's wrong lady? Stiff upper lip? Lolololol"

Jason X sucks. It's like a very bad parody of Aliens that somebody through Jason Voorhees into just for shits n' giggles. It's entertaining at least, but it's not a scary nor is it purposefully funny. The stuff we're supposed to find funny sucks and the suck-ass stuff that isn't meant to be funny is funny. None of the characters are memorable, obviously. Jason is alright and Uber Jason just seems like overkill. It's just a bad, bad sequel. It's not even part of the most recent Friday the 13th blu-ray boxset. Of course, neither is Jason Goes to Hell, but that one's hit or miss with fans. You either love it or you hate it. With Jason X, there is no loving it. You either hate it but watch it to feel sorry for yourself or hate it and don't watch it at all. You tell me.

Well that was Jason's final original series entry. Ten for Jason, seven for Freddy. Tomorrow is Halloween, so the fun will pick up full force soon enough. One more to go, people. This is not a drill.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Wes Craven's New Nightmare"

Super Spooky Demon Freddy

Well if Jason telling not one, but two "Final" lies was inexcusable, you're never going to believe that someone like Freddy Krueger would break the same rule. Even worse was that it was Freddy's original brainchild that did it. That's right, Wes Craven himself returned to the franchise that he created in 1994, Freddy's 10th birthday, to give his slasher movie icon the proper send-off, as Craven was intently disgusted with the outcome of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and didn't see a wise-cracking, goofy Freddy being blown up through the use of awful computer generated imagery to be a great for his or Freddy's image. So it's back to basics! Freddy got an overhaul in this movie and he is one nightmarish (ba-dum tss) guy to look at. Seriously, the first time I saw this movie I was a little unnerved. They gave him a trench coat, dead eyes, more defined burns and a skeletal hand for his claws. It's pretty rad. Even more rad is Heather Langenkamp, known for her character Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) and Nightmare 3, returns as both herself and Nancy for this one. How is that possible you ask? Well the movie has a great plot, pretty unique actually. Let's dive right in. This is "Wes Craven's Cleanup Duty"... I mean, "New Nightmare".

Wes Craven's just handling his own clean-up work

Heather Langenkamp (Heather Langenkamp... groundbreaking) lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband Chase (David Newsom) and their young son Dylan (Miko Hughes)..., you know, the adorable "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" kid from Kindergarten Cop. She has become popular thanks to her role as Nancy Thompson from the Nightmare on Elm Street film series. This is already getting on "unstoppable" levels of "meta". One night she has a nightmare that her family is attacked by a set of animated Krueger claws from an upcoming Nightmare film, where two workers are brutally murdered on set. Waking up to an earthquake, she spies a cut on Chase's finger exactly like the one he had received in her dream, but she quickly dismisses the notion it was caused by the claws.

Oh look at you, you adorable little nutjob

Heather receives a call from an obsessed fan who quotes Freddy Krueger's nursery rhyme in an eerie, Freddy-like voice. This coincides with a meeting she has with New Line Cinema where she is pitched the idea to reprise her role as Nancy in a new Nightmare film which, unbeknownst to her, Chase has been working on. When she returns home, she sees Dylan watching her original film. When she interrupts him, he has a severely traumatizing episode where he screams at her. The frequent calls and Dylan's strange behavior cause her to call Chase. He agrees to rush home from his workplace as the two men from the opening dream did not report in for work. Chase falls asleep while driving and is slashed by Freddy Krueger's claw and dies. His death seems to affect Dylan even further, which causes concern for Heather's long-time friend and former co-star John Saxon (John Saxon... again, groundbreaking). He suggests she seek medical attention for Dylan and herself after she has a nightmare at Chase's funeral in which Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) tries to take Dylan away.

"Really Wes? I have to come back again?"

Dylan's health continues to deteriorate. He becomes increasingly paranoid about going to sleep, and fears Freddy Krueger, even though Heather has never shown Dylan her films. Despite the one she just caught him watching, but besides that. We'll forget that happened. She visits the director of A Nightmare on Elm Street Wes Craven (Wes Crav--... alright now you're just fucking with me, movie), who suggests that Freddy is a supernatural entity drawn to his films, freed after the film series ended with the release of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. NO, WES. Don't you dare give that shit-heap any credit whatsoever, or even acknowledge its existence. It now focuses on Heather, as Nancy, its primary foe. Freddy actor Robert Englund (Robert Engl-- OH COME ON) also has a strange knowledge of it, describing the new Freddy to Heather, then disappearing from all contact shortly after. Man, you know what this movie was missing? A scene where Freddy kills Robert Englund. That alone would've been the price of admission. Following another earthquake, Heather takes a traumatized Dylan to the hospital, where Dr. Heffner (Fran Bennett), suspecting abuse, suggests he remain under observation. Heather returns home for Dylan's stuffed dinosaur while his babysitter Julie (Tracy Middendorf) tries unsuccessfully to keep the nurses from sedating the sleep-deprived boy. Dylan falls asleep from the sedative. Freddy brutally kills Julie in Dylan's dream, asking Dylan if he's ever played "skin the cat".

"What's that? You want me to play myself?
I don't know... how scary can I be?"

Capable of sleepwalking, Dylan leaves the hospital of his own accord while Heather chases him home across the interstate as Freddy taunts him and dangles him before traffic. On returning home, Heather realizes that Saxon has established his persona as Don Thompson. When Heather embraces Nancy's role, Freddy emerges completely into reality and takes Dylan to his world. Heather finds a trail of Dylan's sleeping pills and follows him to a dark underworld. Freddy fights off Heather and chases Dylan into an oven. Dylan escapes the oven, doubles back to Heather, and together they push Freddy into the oven and light it. This destroys both the monster and his reality.

Dylan and Heather emerge from under his blankets, and Heather finds a copy of the film's events in a screenplay at the foot of the bed. Inside is written thanks from Wes for defeating Freddy and playing Nancy one last time. Her victory helps to imprison the entity of the film franchise's fictitious world once more. Dylan asks if it is a story, and Heather agrees that it is before opening the script and reading from its pages to her son.

Sneaky Demon Freddy is Sneaky

Wes Craven's New Nightmare is a pretty damn good movie. If it isn't good, then it at least feels good. I give it props for giving the middle finger to the whole "The Final Nightmare" gag. The plot is original, taking elements from both the fictitious "Freddy" universe and the real-life universe. Hell, Heather Langenkamp had a stalker in real life and Wes Craven got her permission to weave that into the actual story. That took some balls on her part... which I realize is a dumb statement because she's a woman. "Boy, that took some ovaries on her part!"... nah, I'll stick with balls. Robert Englund does a great job at returning to being the creepy, demonic Freddy that was Craven's original intent with the first movie. Miko Hughes is Miko Hughes, you either love him or you hate him, but a lot of the film's horror moments are throwbacks to that sweet, sweet 80's cheese. Sometimes going into actual spooky elements, sometimes just being flat out hilarious. I love this movie. Check it out.


So that was Freddy's seventh and final solo entry leading up to their big showdown. Sure we have the remake in 2010, but who gives a chicken's dick about the remake. Anywho, we've still got one more Jason entry to go. I know! Halloween is so close, we can taste it. Stay tuned.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday"

...and that's when Jason realized that the FBI was one step ahead of his eight mass murder sprees.

Really? Again? They're trying this gimmick again? Didn't they learn anything from the first time they tried this shtick? Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter tried to drive a knife, or shall I say a "machete", into the heart of the franchise early on, but it was revived to compete with A Nightmare on Elm Street at the box office. Now we're trying to end it again. It's interesting to note that this was the longest span of time between Friday the 13th movies since the series started. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan was 1989, and this one, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday was 1993. Four years. We're well into the 90s now, full steam ahead and it's pretty apparent these movies were completely out of steam, creatively. But you ain't seen nothing yet. This is Friday the 13th Part IX, but actually released as Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

"You guys should'a seen me. I diddly'd Jason
right in his doodly!"

At Camp Crystal Lake, an undercover government agent lures Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) into a trap set by the FBI, and armed men blow him to bits. Woah, what? Stop. Start over again. So all this time, Jason was thought of as a myth and a legend and every one of his murder sprees was considered nothing more than "hearsay" or "legend", but now the FBI buys into everything? Get fucked. Anywho, his remains are sent to a morgue, where a coroner becomes possessed by Jason's spirit after eating Jason's putrid heart... just, completely out of the blue. Seriously, everything's going cool then he just decides to chomp into Jason's heart. What in the fucking fuck is happening right now? Well, we're given no time to ponder as Jason, now in the coroner's body, escapes the morgue.

Hug me, I'm completely useless.

Meanwhile, at Crystal Lake, he finds three partying teens and kills them. Jason attacks two police officers, killing one and possessing the other. He posses them by passing this weird "worm creature" along from body to body. It's fucked up. It's like in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers when they tried to give Michael Myers a reason and it ended up being really fucking stupid. Meanwhile, bounty hunter Creighton Duke (Steven Williams) discovers only members of Jason's bloodline can truly kill him, and he will return to his normal and near-invincible state if he possesses a member of his family. The only living relatives of Jason are his half-sister Diana Kimble (Erin Gray), her daughter Jessica (Kari Keegan), and Stephanie (Brooke Scher), the infant daughter of Jessica and Steven Freeman (John D. LeMay). That's right, there are other Voorhees family members, whom even after eight other movies, we were never told about. Sure, makes perfect sense. Whatever. At this point into the 90s, who even gives a shit anymore?

Even with one eye and a mangled face, Jason
is perfectly capable of an "oh shit" face.

Anywho, Jason makes his way to Diana's house. Steven bursts in and attacks Jason. Diana is killed and Jason escapes. Steven is arrested for Diana's murder and meets Duke, who reveals Jessica's relation to Jason. Determined to get to Jessica before Jason does, Steven escapes from jail. Jessica is dating tabloid TV reporter Robert Campbell (Steven Culp). Steven goes to the Voorhees house to find evidence to convince Jessica but falls through rotten boards. Robert enters the upstairs room and receives a phone call which reveals that he is attempting to "spice up" his show's ratings by putting emphasis on Jason's return from death, having stolen Diana's body from the morgue for this reason. Jason bursts in and transfers his heart into Robert, while the body he left melts, rather gruesomely I might add. Jason leaves with Steven in pursuit. Jason attempts to be reborn through Jessica but is disrupted by Steven, who hits him and takes Jessica into his car. Steven stalls Jason by running him over, even though we all know never ever works. When he tries to explain the situation to Jessica, she disbelieves him and throws him out of the car. Seems pretty rude of her to just disregard this guy's warnings.

The worm is to this as the white horse was to
Rob Zombie's Halloween II

Jason arrives at the police station and kills most of the officers... again, rather gruesomely. He nearly possesses Jessica before Steven stops him; Jessica realizes Steven is right. In the chaos, Duke makes his escape. Jessica and Steven make their way to the diner to grab the baby. Jason arrives but is attacked by the owners of the shop. He kills the owners... proving their attacks were absolutely useless but also completely in vain. Waitress Vicki (Allison Smith) shoots him with a shotgun then impales him with an iron rod. He then impales her on the same rod before crushing her head, killing her. Jason is presumably killed, despite surviving multiple wounds and walking away from them like nothing's happened, and Jessica and Steven discover a note from Duke, telling them that he has the baby and demands that Jessica meet him at the Voorhees house alone. So... at what point did this turn into a Halloween movie? Seriously? Jason wandering around, stalking family members while everyone else gets in his way? This "Duke" guy, the closes thing we get to a "Doctor Loomis" character? Not only was Friday the 13th out of ideas, they were doing the Halloween mythology all over again.

Jessica meets Duke at the Voorhees house and is given a mystical dagger... no, you read that right... which she can use to permanently kill Jason. How many "permanent kills" we've been promised is beyond me. Honestly, this is probably the first one, but it just feels like it's been promised a million times before. A police officer enters the diner where Robert, possessed, transfers his heart into him. Duke falls through the floor, and Jessica is confronted by Landis (Billy "Green" Bush) and Randy (Kipp Marcus). Landis is killed accidentally with the dagger, and Jessica drops the dagger. Way to go, numb nuts. Randy, possessed, attempts to be reborn through Stephanie, but Steven arrives and severs his neck with a machete. How many times Steven's saved Stephanie's ass from "almost kind sorta being possessed", is again, beyond me. Jason's heart, which has grown into a demonic infant... again, you read that right... crawls out of Randy's neck to Diana's dead body in the basement. Steven and Jessica pull Duke out of the basement as Jason discovers Diana's body and slithers up her vagina, allowing him to be reborn... AGAIN. YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

The funniest fucking guy in the whole movie.

While Steven and Jessica attempt to retrieve the dagger, Duke distracts Jason and is incapacitated with a bear hug. Aww, but hugs are nice, though. Jason turns his attention to Jessica, and Steven tackles Jason, who both fight outside while Jessica retrieves the dagger. That's like eight times Steven's saved her worthless ass. Jason badly brutalizes Steven and when he is about to kill him, Jessica stabs Jason in the chest, releasing the souls Jason accumulated over time. Demonic hands burst out of the ground and pull Jason into Hell. Steven and Jessica reconcile and walk off into the sunrise with their baby. Later a dog unearths Jason's mask while digging in the dirt. Freddy Krueger's gloved hand bursts out of the dirt and pulls Jason's mask into the ground as well... setting up ten years of "talk, talk, talk" about a crossover movie but no "walk, walk, walk" from any studio at all. Still, a pretty "what the fuck" ending at the time.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday is the equivalent of giving your drunk uncle the mic at a stand-up club and telling him to rattle off a plot for a Friday the 13th movie on the fly in two minutes. None of it is coherent. All the story elements feel half-assed and strung together on a whim and a hunch. The characters suck, Jessica's worthless, Duke's an overacting batch of hilarity, and to top it all off, Jason just looks hideous in this one. I mean, funny hideous, but still hideous. In the past we've gotten living Jason, hockey mask Jason, bag-head Jason, zombie Jason, zombier Jason, perpetually wet Jason and now we got "What in the fuck ever we want" Jason. I so, so wish this was the last Friday, as the movie's title implied. But for the SECOND time in this franchise's history, it would prove to itself and to us that you can't keep Jason down... even if it would've been for the good of movie-making decency.

HALLOWEEN 2K18: A Review of "Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"

Well, the magical decade of the 1980s has ended. It's the 90s now. 1991 to be exact. 1990 became the first year since 1983 to have neither a Friday the 13th nor a Nightmare on Elm Street movie released in theaters. After eight Friday the 13th movies and five A Nightmare on Elm Street movies, things were pretty tired and stale. It was about time to wrap them up and let it all go. After all, you have to remember that Halloween made its slasher movie return in 1988 and 1989 as well with Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers respectively. The theaters pretty stocked full with slasher movies, but it was time for them to end. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare became the sixth Nightmare movie released and much like Friday the 13th, it stuck "Final" into the movie to try and seal the deal, end it all, and it failed. BOY it failed.

"Hey kid, get your finger out of there."

More than a decade after the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) has since returned and killed nearly every child and teenager in the town of Springwood, Ohio. *Poof* Just like that. No warning whatsoever. The only surviving teenager, known only as "John Doe" (Shon Greenblatt), finds himself confronted by Freddy in a dream and wakes up just outside the Springwood City limits and does not remember who he is or why he is outside of Springwood. Confusing, but I'll let it slide.

At a shelter for troubled youth, Spencer (Breckin Meyer), Carlos (Ricky Dean Logan), and Tracy (Lezlie Dean) plot to run away from the shelter to California. Much like the special little boy from The Wizard, but we don't talk about that. Carlos was physically abused by his parents (dark), resulting in a hearing disability; Tracy was raped by her father (darker); and Spencer was a stoner (that's not bad). John, after being picked up by the police, becomes a resident of the shelter and a patient of Dr. Maggie Burroughs (Lisa Zane). Maggie notices a newspaper clipping in John's pocket from Springwood. To cure John's amnesia, she plans a road trip to Springwood. Tracy, Carlos, and Spencer stow away in the van to escape the shelter, but they are discovered when John has a hallucination and almost wrecks the van just outside Springwood. Boy, that was might not nice of him to try and kill everyone from the get go. Taking Freddy's job right off the bat.

This girl looks absolutely lost

Tracy, Spencer, and Carlos, after trying to leave Springwood, rest at a nearby abandoned house, which transforms into 1428 Elm Street, Freddy Krueger's former home and the home that both Nancy Thompson and Jesse from Nightmare 2 lived at, among (I'm sure) other people. John and Maggie visit Springwood Orphanage and discover that Freddy had a child. John believes he is the child because Freddy allowed him to live. Yeah movie, forget the fact that Freddy has let other people live in the past. Back on Elm Street, Carlos and Spencer fall asleep and are killed by Freddy. Tracy is almost killed, but she is awakened by Maggie. John, who went into the dream world with Tracy to try to help Spencer, is still asleep. Maggie and Tracy take him back to the shelter. On their way back, Krueger kills John in his dream, but not before revealing that Krueger's kid is a girl. As John dies, he reveals this information to Maggie. Tracy and Maggie return to the shelter, but they discover that no one remembers John, Spencer, or Carlos except for Doc (Yaphette Kotto), who has learned to control his dreams. Maggie remembers what John told her and discovers her own adoption papers, learning that she is Freddy's daughter. Her birth name was Katherine Krueger, and her name was later changed to Maggie Burroughs. Rightfully so, otherwise I feel like people would just not look at her correctly.

"No seriously, kid. Get your finger out of there."

Doc discovers Freddy's power comes from the "dream demons" who continually revive him, and that Freddy can be killed if he is pulled into the real world. So... it wasn't the stuff in the previous sequels that revived Freddy, it was ultimately the dream demons. That at least makes sense, but then why would they just show dream demons doing the work previously? Maggie decides that she will be the one to enter Freddy's mind and pull him into the real world. Once in the dream world, she puts on a pair of 3-D glasses and enters Freddy's mind. There, she discovers that Freddy was teased as a child, abused by his foster father (Alice motherfucking Cooper), inflicted self-abuse as a teenager, and murdered his wife. Freddy was given the power to become immortal from fiery demons. After some struggling, Maggie pulls Freddy into the real world.

Random big-actor cameo

Maggie and Freddy end up in hand-to-hand combat against one another, which seems a tad one-sided since because... you know... Freddy has finger knives. While Maggie continues to battle Freddy, she uses several weapons confiscated from patients at the shelter. Enraged by the knowledge of what he has done, she disarms him of his clawed glove... which seems disgustingly easy. Eventually, Maggie stabs Freddy in the stomach with his own glove while she is close to him. Tracy throws Maggie a pipe bomb. After she impales Freddy to a steel support beam she throws the bomb in his chest. She says "Happy Fathers Day", kisses him, and runs. The three dream demons fly out of Freddy after the pipe bomb kills him.... in probably one of the worst special effects shot in the entire franchise. I'm not kidding, it looks like shit. Maggie smiles at Tracy and Doc; she is confident that her father is dead... but he isn't.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare is both the most penultimate and yet the goofiest fucking entry in the entire franchise. Freddy has his puns back in full force, including making Wizard of Oz and Nintendo references in his kills. "Oh, NOW I'm playing with POWER!" kills me every time. Still, this was a pretty lame way to "end" Freddy. It didn't really seem definitive, at least not anymore definitive than the previous sequels felt. Certainly no more definitive than A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors and they found a way around that. I'd say skip this one, because the next one Freddy would give us would at least be pretty horrific. But first, we have to watch Jason try and beat a dead horse...