A Review of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone"

Y   E   A   R        O   N   E

HARRY POTTER and the SORCERER's STONE

We're about to embark on a magical journey. One where I will surely have opinions you don't agree with about a world that has a bigger, more devoted fanbase than any other franchise in the world. The fantasy genre has quite a bunch of fans ready and willing to defend its honor until they day they croak and go in the ground, and Harry Potter is no exception. Today, we're going to kick-start my "Wizarding World of Having Nothing Better to Do" Reviews by diving into the first movie, adapted from the first book in this series by whimsical crazy-lady JK Rowling. Yes, that JK Rowling. The woman who frequently incorporates Harry Potter, a boy wizard she dreamed up on an acid trip one night, into intense political discussions and disagreements over social media. Yep... her. Called Philosopher's Stone in the United Kingdom and Sorcerer's Stone in the United States, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone tells a fascinatingly family friendly story about wizards who shoot at each other with magic spells and curse anyone they don't like, and they attend a full-blown castle school to become powerful wizards, governed by some of the most well-respected and legendary British actors in the world of cinema's history. Let's dive right in, shaaaall we?

Santa came to bring Harry his present early, the gift of
guaranteed sequels

In late 1981, Albus Dumbledore (Sir Richard Harris), Minerva McGonagall (Dame Maggie Smith), and Rubeus Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane), professors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, deliver a recently orphaned infant named Harry Potter (some baby) to his only remaining relatives, the Dursleys. When you come to realize how the Dursleys will treat him, you'll find out that the Wizarding World must not love Harry that much because ten years later, we find out Harry has been battling a disjointed life with the Dursleys. "Disjointed" is putting it lightly. This is downright child abuse. After inadvertently causing an accident during a family trip to the zoo, sicking a Burmese Python on his idiot cousin Dudley (Harry Melling), Harry begins receiving unsolicited letters by owls. After the Dursleys escape to an island to avoid any more letters, Hagrid re-appears and informs Harry that he is actually a wizard, and has been accepted into Hogwarts, a school that sounds made up that he didn't even apply to, against the Dursleys' wishes. After taking Harry to Diagon Alley to buy his supplies for Hogwarts including a wizard uniform, a wand and a pet owl named Hedwig as a birthday present, Hagrid informs him of his past; Harry is the son of two wizards, well, one wizard and one "Muggle" (a Rowlingese term for a non-magical person) who met their demise via a Killing Curse at the hands of Lord Voldemort, a malevolent, all-powerful wizard. Hyped as the wizarding Adolf Hitler, turns out he's pretty inept in coming up with a surefire plan to kill Harry because it takes him seven books to even be a threat. Harry, the only survivor in the chaos, thus becomes well-known in the wizarding world as "The Boy Who Lived".

"Ron, these adult-sized robes don't fit"
"Shut up, Harry. Cameras are rolling."

Harry is then taken to King's Cross station to board a train to the school, where he meets three other students: Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint), whom he quickly befriends; Hermione Granger (Emma Watson, the only one who could nail down a semi-regular career), an intelligent witch born to muggle parents; and Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton), a child from a wealthy wizarding family whom Harry immediately clashes with. Why? Probably because he acts like the most smug arrogant prick in the world. He's easily one of the guys you could point at and be like "He's the bad guy". That's Power Rangers level of writing. After arriving at school, the students assemble in the Great Hall, where Harry and all the other "first-years" are sorted by the Sorting Hat (voiced by Leslie Phillips) between four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Although the Sorting Hat considers placing Harry in Slytherin alongside Draco, he is placed into Gryffindor alongside Ron and Hermione... simply by asking that he not be placed in Slytherin. Doesn't that underwhelm the Sorting Hat's very purpose? I don't know, probably not, but to the casual viewer it feels like it. Hogwarts is also an oddball school. Dumbledore, just out of the blue is like "Don't go to the third floor corridor or you'll die" to ten year olds. Who would attend a school where you have the risk of dying--, oh wait. Schools nowadays are unsafe. Alright, point taken. Moving on.

Harry, your story is a lot like Batman.
Just without the costume and the crime-fighting.

At Hogwarts, Harry begins learning magic spells and discovers more about his past and his parents. After recovering the Remembrall of clumsy Gryffindor student Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis), Harry is recruited for Gryffindor's Quidditch team as a Seeker, which is extremely rare for first-year students. What is Quidditch you may ask? Imagine the game of soccer, but while the soccer players are playing, one guy from each team chases a totally seperate ball around and the first one to touch it, their team wins. All while on broomsticks in the air. Done. Quidditch. Anyway, while exploring the school one night, Harry and his friends discover a giant three-headed dog named Fluffy in a restricted area of the school. Ron insults Hermione after being embarrassed by her in a charms lesson with Professor Flitwick (Warwick Davis), causing Hermione to lock herself in the girls' bathroom to cry all day. Ron just hazes her for being a snooty bitch and she just... hides all fucking day... to cry. Couldn't she be any tougher than that? Well, we hope so, because she is soon attacked by a troll but Harry and Ron manage to save her, befriending her in the process.

...and since Harry is Batman, here's Robin and Batgirl.

The children later find out Fluffy is guarding the Philosopher's Stone, an object that can be used to grant its owner immortality. Harry suspects that potions teacher and head of Slytherin House Severus Snape (Alan Rickman) is trying to obtain the stone in order to return Voldemort to physical form. Hagrid accidentally reveals to the trio that Fluffy will fall asleep if played music. Hagrid, by the way, is a big dumb oaf... revealing several secrets by just blurting them out and then taking a step back and being like "...shit." Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide that night to try and find the stone before Snape does, but discover that Fluffy is already asleep. They get past Fluffy and face a series of safeguards. These include surviving a deadly plant known as Devil's Snare, a room filled with aggressive flying keys which bruises Harry, and a dangerous life-sized game of chess that nearly kills Ron. Not going to lie, though. The lifesize game of Wizard's Chess is pretty sick. The scene alone is amazingly paced and tense, thanks to the legendary John Williams' score for the film.

"What was it you said, Potter? Oh yes.
Yippee-ki-yay... mugglefucker."

After getting past the tasks, Harry, alone, discovers that it was Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Quirrell (Ian Hart) who was trying to claim the stone, and that Snape was actually protecting Harry all along. Quirrell removes his turban and reveals a weak Voldemort to be living on the back of his head... a pretty chilling and cool revelation. I remember that sticking with me since I went to see the movie in theaters all the way back in 2001. Through an enchantment placed by Dumbledore, Harry finds himself in possession of the stone... somehow. I don't know if it's explained all that well in the book, but Harry just some how ends up with the Stone in his pocket when he's looking into the Mirror. Voldemort attempts to bargain the stone from Harry in exchange for bringing his parents back from the dead, but Harry refuses, causing Quirrell to attack. Harry kills Quirrell by burning his skin and reducing him to dust, after which Voldemort's spirit rises from Quirrell's ashes and passes through Harry, knocking him unconscious. Later on, Harry wakes up in the school's hospital wing with Dumbledore at his side. Dumbledore explains that the Stone has been destroyed and that Ron and Hermione are safe. Dumbledore also reveals how Harry was able to defeat Quirrell: when Harry's mother died to save him, her death gave Harry a love-based protection against Voldemort. Love burns Voldemort to ashes upon touching it. Incredible. See how entirely useless Voldemort is? Oh don't worry, it gets even funnier. At the conclusion of the party, Dumbledore announces that Slytherin is about to win the House Cup before he has a few last minute points to award. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are rewarded with house points for their heroic performances, tying them for first place with Slytherin. Dumbledore then awards ten points to Neville, who had attempted to stop his friends, giving Gryffindor enough points to win the House Cup, completely cheating Slytherin out of the House Cup like an asshole. Sure, his reasonings make sense, but's kind of a douche move especially when Slytherin was that fucking close to getting the House Cup. Harry then returns home for the summer, happy to finally have a real home in Hogwarts.

"You're a unit of light, Harry."
"I'm a watt?"

The first film is truly a wonderous family film for all to enjoy. It's light-hearted for the most part, minus a few creepy elements here and there. Obviously, Voldemort's face on the back of Quirrell's head is kind of a "what the fuck" moment for any casual viewer. This movie made sure to demonstrate what kind of world the Wizarding World was. It showcases a lot of magical moments, a lot of attention is put on building the world for the future sequels. Harry, Ron and Hermione react tot heir surroundings as any normal kid would, with wonder and amazement. For being an early 2000s movie the special effects are pretty decent, except for Voldemort's face, which looks rubbery at best. Still, the series would only get better as time wore one. It's a great setup piece, a fun adventure with brilliant British actors and actresses making up much of the cast and hilarious tidbits of magic and mischief. It would be nothing like the films that would follow it, but it's great romp nevertheless. It's even aided by John Williams's subtle and charming score, including "Hedwig's theme", whose musical notes would become the very staple of the entire franchise. If you've never seen Harry Potter, where better to start than where it all began? Give it a watch. Hopefully it'll spark your interest for the future movies.