A Review of "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes"

"Caesar this is getting out of hand!" "What gave that away?" "Oh I don't know, the fire? The
guns? The batons? The screaming?" "Clearly you've never been to Baltimore, before!"

Happy Friday! Welcome back to another edition of our Ape-thology review series. See? I could've made that the name of these reviews, but I didn't until just now. I thought about it right this second. Should I go back and add that as the series name? TOO LATE!

So far we've seen Planet of the Apes get followed up by a lackluster, bizarre sequel in Beneath the Planet of the Apes and then a dull follow-up to some supporting characters in Cornelius & Zira in Escape from the Planet of the Apes... yet here we are. It's 1972, and even though we've had two sequels that haven't really lived up to the hype and love of the original, they still want to crank out another one and try and press their luck. Serving as a sequel to Escape's storyline about the baby Cornelius and Zira had, this is 1972's Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Boy, these titles are just getting cheesier and cheesier. I love it, but I had to say; sitting down to watch this one I was weary because I had not really cared for any of the sequels up to this point, so the thought of sitting down for another sequel seemed like a waste of time. I knew only had two sequels to go before starting the next series... so I muscled through it. HOLY SCHMOLY, I'm glad I did. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best since the original so far. It's so well written, acted, and plays out so grimly it's like this series got its cajones back! I loved Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, so let's figure out why!

"WE. MAKE. HOLES IN YOUR TEETH. WE
MAKE. HOLES IN YOUR TEETH."

Following a North American pandemic from a space-borne disease that wiped out all dogs and cats in 1983, the government has become a series of Schutzstaffel-patterned police states that took apes as pets before establishing a culture based on ape-slave labor. These events were foretold in 1973 during the events of Escape from the Planet of the Apes as testimony by two chimpanzee scientists, Cornelius (Roddy McDowall) and Zira (Kim Hunter), before they were killed. Widely believed to be dead, their baby was secretly raised by the circus owner Armando (Ricardo Montalbán) as a young horseback rider. In 1991, now fully grown and named Caesar (also Roddy McDowall), the ape is brought to one of the cities to distribute flyers for Armando's circus. During their trip, Armando advises Caesar not to speak in public for fear of his life. Question: if Armando needed Caesar to lay low and not draw attention to the fact he's the intelligent child of Cornelius and Zira, why would he bring him to a crowded city which would irk him by watching his fellow apes be tortured and mistreated? Not a great plan, Mr. Armando.

Sure enough, after seeing a gorilla being beaten and drugged, Caesar shouts out "Lousy human bastards!" loud enough for the police-state officers to hear him. Armando diffuses the ensuing commotion by taking responsibility for the exclamation. I love this, because the officers even force Armando to shout it again to see if it sounded the same, which causes tension as Armando has a thick Spanish accent so you know he's going to get caught. Armando plans to turn himself in to the authorities to diminish suspicion and bluff his way out while instructing Caesar to hide among the apes for safety. Caesar obeys and hides in a cage of orangutans, finding himself being trained for slavery through violent conditioning. He is then sold at auction to Governor Breck (Don Murray). Caesar is then put to work by Breck's chief aide MacDonald (Hari Rhodes), whose African American heritage allows him to sympathize with the apes to the disgust of his boss. Oh boy... this movie's going to get woefully uncomfortable isn't it? I was like "This movie's going to get real good" but I was worried that it was becoming too predictable.

"DID YOU DRINK THE LAST BANANA SMOOTHIE?!"
"I would like to plead the fifth."

Meanwhile, Armando is interrogated by Inspector Kolp (Severn Darden), who suspects his "circus ape" is the child of Cornelius and Zira, the one humanity has been searching for. Kolp's assistant puts Armando under a machine that psychologically forces people to be truthful. Realizing he cannot fight the machine, Armando jumps through a window and dies. When Caesar learns of Armando's death, he loses faith in human kindness. In secret, he begins teaching the apes combat and has them gather weapons. Unfortunately, Breck eventually learns that Caesar is the ape the police are hunting. Meanwhile, Caesar realizes MacDonald is an ally to the apes' cause and reveals himself to him. MacDonald understands Caesar's intent to depose Breck, but expresses his doubts about the revolution's effectiveness. Caesar is later captured by Breck's men and, in a gruesome and uncomfortable scene, is electrically tortured into speaking. Hearing him speak, Breck orders Caesar to be killed. With MacDonald's help, the heroes manage to trick Breck into believing Caesar died. Once Breck leaves, Caesar kills his torturer and escapes.

To build his numbers and satisfy his lust for a revolt against his human persecutors, Caesar takes over Ape Management. While setting the city on fire, Caesar and the rest of the apes proceed to the command center, killing most of the riot police that attempt to stop them in the process. After succeeding in this, Caesar has Breck marched out to be executed. In the best scene in the movie, and arguably one of the best scenes in the series, MacDonald pleads with Caesar not to succumb to brutality and be merciful to the former masters. Caesar ignores him, deciding to dedicate his life to man's downfall. The original, unaltered cut of the film first submitted to theaters ends here, with the apes under Caesar's leadership clubbing Breck to death while Caesar looks on in gruesome victory, the last shot is on a zoomed in Caesar before cutting to end credits.

"Caesar, you need a bath. You smell like a 
real ape without your body wash."

... only that ending didn't sit too well with test screeners. They found the film devoid of hope and optimism by the ending and didn't like Caesar basically condoning and adopting mass murder to get his point across. So Roddy McDowall was brought back in, the ending was recut for the theatrical release. In the theatrical cut, as the apes raise their rifles to beat Breck to death, Caesar's girlfriend Lisa voices her objection, shouting "No!", becoming the first ape to speak other than Caesar. Caesar reconsiders and orders the apes to lower their weapons, deciding that, after their recent victory, they can afford to be humane.

The movie was definitely a tonal shift in the Apes series. Up to now they've been about exploring, science, and theology... and while the original Planet of the Apes had some dark elements sprout from its twist ending, to me, it was Conquest that really pulled out all the grimness and showed the dark side of human-ape master-slave servitude. Now, all my hats tip to Roddy McDowall, for his portrayal of the tortured but determined eventual martyr for the human-like apes in Caesar. He was dynamite in this movie, absolutely stellar; his ending speech was incredible, and you could feel his determination in ending human control over apes by any means necessary. In the scene where he's speaking to MacDonald after revealing himself, you can hear his desires in the lines "No I am not a myth, but I will tell you what is, the belief that human beings can be kind. Oh, a handful, perhaps, but not most of them. They will not be kind until we can force them to, and we cannot do that until we are free." Ten out of ten performance for Roddy. Great stuff. It's a very yin-yang performance to McDowall's performance as Cornelius, Caesar's father, in the first and third films. Cornelius was kind, gentile, and noble; Caesar wants to be kind and noble, but allows humanity to push him to the brink of becoming a dictator madman. Roddy McDowall plays both parts superbly.

This movie sends powerful messages that are just as strong now as they were in 1972. While it is a little on the violent side with lots of gunplay, a few explosions, and a gut-wrenching torture scene of Caesar, it is a worthy entry into the franchise, and again, I find it to be the best entry so far since the original movie. The story really makes you sympathize with Caesar and the race of oppressed apes, but by the end you're questioning who your allegiance is too, and again, the ending speech helps symbolize the internalized argument we were all having watching the end of the movie. Is Caesar in the right, or has he gone mad?

"Alright Caesar, prepare for the penetrator of TRUTH!"
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

One last thing of note: wait a minute... I thought at the end of Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Cornelius and Zira named their child "Milo" out of memory of the late doctor ape who died after coming back in time to 1973 with them? However in the start of the film, Armando calls him "Caesar", which contradicts Escape and is therefore probably a mistake. Either Armando changed his name, he is not the same ape, or it's a mistake. It is not so far fetched, however, that Armando changed his name. Let's not forget: since this name was well known to the authorities as that of one of the three chimps that had arrived from space in Escape, this would have been a very wise move. When Breck was having Caesar choose a name for himself, Caesar went through the book of names clumsily, as an illiterate ape would, while quickly scanning for his own given name, making it appear that he chose the name "Caesar" randomly.

I loved Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Unfortunately, it isn't a standalone sequel, otherwise I'd say skip to this movie. You do have to see Beneath and Escape to get some details you would otherwise miss. Having each movie lead into the next is nice for those who like to follow the films episodically, but it's also a hindrance one a couple of those films aren't as good. I recommend this one though; it has action, suspense, horrors, sympathy, and revenge. While it isn't necessarily a "feel good" movie, as some messed up shit does take place, it is Caesar's rise to power that is interesting to watch as it does bring the viewer into a moral quandary by the end of the film. Give this one a go if you ever get the chance!

A Review of "Escape from the Planet of the Apes"

"But your honor! I humbly request a continuance on the fact that my client and I are talking
apes from the future and have no idea how your back-ass justice system works!"

Happy Friday! It's time for part three of our Apes movie franchise anthology series of reviews. I didn't give this series of reviews a dumb, punny name. I thought about "Gone Apey" but that was too lame even for me. "Apeshit" was just too edgy and insinuated every movie we'd talk about would be garbage. "Go Bananas" is just childish. So this one just doesn't have a name? I guess?

"My cage beds are made with rich,
corinthian leather!"

Anywho. We've seen astronauts crash land on an unknown planet only to discover they had time-traveled to a dystopian future in Planet of the Apes. The sequel, Beneath the Planet of the Apes wrapped up the story for certain characters as we saw the planet Earth destroyed by a cataclysmic explosion of a cobalt-cased nuclear bomb. What is next? Well... what if not everyone who was on the planet died? What if... there we some "escapees" shall we say? Now, we follow their journey! This is 1971's Escape from the Planet of the Apes. A movie that teaches us that stories ending doesn't mean shit if we can just take some characters who didn't die on screen and start telling a radically different story, diverting from the previous story's ending and creating a new line of stories altogether! Whew... I just rattled that off of my head; what did you do with your day? So Planet of the Apes is a stellar film, even to this day. Beneath, to be pun-tastic, fell "beneath" my expectations, but ultimately was still enjoyable. Will Escape rebound and start pulling in my interest again? Well... let's find out...

Escaping Earth prior to its destruction at the end of Beneath the Planet of the Apes, the chimpanzees Cornelius (The returning Roddy McDowall), Zira (Kim Hunter), and Dr. Milo (Sal Mineo) salvage and repair Taylor's spaceship from their timeline. The shock wave of Earth's destruction sends the ship through a time warp that brings the apes to 1973 Earth. Most specifically, the Pacific coast of the United States. Kind of weird, this whole temporal spaceflight dilemma these characters seem to be having. It seems that there's only two endpoints in this broken time-flow. It'll dump people from the 1970's into the ape-ridden future of 3970's... or it'll take talking apes who rule our planet and dump them in the 1970's, America's most cocaine-and-sexually-experimental era. Fasten your seatbelts, kids!

"Hey Cornelius, nice monkey suit!"
"... wise ass..."

The apes are transported to the Los Angeles Zoo, under the observation of two friendly scientists, Dr. Stephanie Branton (Natalie Trundy) and Dr. Lewis Dixon (Bradford Dillman). During their stay there, Dr. Milo is killed by a zoo gorilla in a ruckus. A Presidential Commission is formed to investigate the return of Taylor's spaceship and its inhabitants. During their interrogation, Cornelius and Zira deny knowing Taylor (played in the first two films of course by Charlton Heston, though he is absent here). They reveal, however, that they came from the future and escaped Earth when a war broke out. They are welcomed as guests of the government. The apes secretly explain to Stephanie and Lewis how humans are treated in the future, and tell them about Earth's destruction. The scientists are shocked but still sympathetic, and advise the couple to keep this information secret until they can gauge the potential reaction of their hosts. Yeah, you know, don't let two sentient talking apes divulge secrets that would alter the course of time. Why would Cornelius and Zira want to do that? They'd retroactively wipe their future out. But it would save the human race! Conundrums, conundrums.

"Am I hallucinating? Three talking apes?"
"I guess we can call your pharmaceutical study
a colossal failure."

Lavished with gifts and media attention the likes of which even the Kardashians would get sick of, the apes become celebrities. They come to the attention of the President's Science Advisor Dr. Otto Hasslein (Eric Braeden), who discovers Zira is pregnant. Fearing for the future of the human race, Hasslein insists that he simply wants to know how apes became dominant over men. Cornelius reveals that the human race will cause its own downfall and that Earth's destruction is caused by a weapon made by humans. Zira explains that the gorillas started the war, but the chimpanzees had nothing to do with it. Hasslein suspects that the apes are not speaking the whole truth. What he's basing that on, I have no idea. During the original hearing, Zira accidentally reveals that she used to dissect humans. THAT cannot bode well for her or Cornelius. Hasslein orders Lewis to administer a truth serum to her while Cornelius is confined elsewhere. As a result of the serum, Hasslein learns details about Zira's experimentation on humans along with her knowledge of Taylor. Ope, I guess that cat's out of the bag on that one.

Zira joins Cornelius in confinement while Hasslein takes his findings to the President, who reluctantly abides by the council's ruling to have her pregnancy be terminated and that both apes be sterilized. Oh... JOLLY this movie took a turn. In their chambers, Zira and Cornelius fear for their lives. When an orderly arrives to offer the apes food, his jokes about their unborn child make Cornelius lose his temper. He knocks the orderly to the floor, before escaping with Zira. It turns out Cornelius mistakenly forgot the feats of his own strength, as they assume the orderly is merely knocked out, but he is actually dead. Hasslein uses the tragedy in support of his claim that the apes are a threat. He calls for their execution, but is ordered by the President to bring them in alive, unwilling to endorse capital punishment until due process has been served. 

This movie seriously skipped a beat with the
whole "NASA sends monkeys into space" thing.
I mean think of the tagline: NASA once sent chimps
into space, but now SPACE has sent chimps BACK!

Branton and Dixon help the apes escape, taking them to a circus run by Señor Armando (Ricardo Montalban), where an ape named Heloise has just given birth. Zira gives birth to a son and names him Milo, in honor of their deceased friend. Knowing that Zira's labor was imminent, Hasslein orders a search of all circuses and zoos, and Armando insists the apes leave for their safety. Lewis arranges for the apes to hide out the Los Angeles harbor's shipyard for a while. He gives Cornelius a pistol as the couple does not want to be taken alive. Tracking the apes to the shipping yard, in a radically Shakespearean way to close out this opus, Hasslein shoots and mortally wounds Zira and then KILLS THE INFANT she is holding like a true douchebag. Cornelius shoots down Hasslein, and then dies at the hands of a sniper perched over the shipping yard. Zira tosses the dead baby over the side and crawls to die with her husband, witnessed by a grieving Lewis and Stephanie. However, it is later revealed that Zira switched babies with Heloise before leaving the circus... and Armando is aware of this and prepares to leave for Florida. Milo then begins to talk. Roll credits.

What did we learn today? Escape from the Planet of the Apes had a lot going for it, with a brilliant first entry in the series followed by Beneath which took the story in wayward directions. But Beneath ended the story pretty much with the destruction of the whole of Earth. Escape did a tricky-yet-wise thing by re-routing the story now to follow escapees from off-screen of Beneath. Now it's branched out and developed into a story worthy of future sequels! Besides, anything that brings back Roddy McDowall for more performances is something I can get behind. I also liked the inclusion of Ricardo Montalban as Armando, the zookeeper. He's also one of my favorite actors, known for playing Khan originally in the Star Trek franchise. I also loved the story that like talking apes become celebrities but it is also ultimately their downfall, as certain members of society distrust them to the point they hassle and disgrace them into hiding as possible bringers of the collapse of modern society. Cornelius and Zira weren't wanting to take over the Earth, they were only looking to take refuge somewhere away from their dying planet. I like that twist on the story.

Oh God, APE love. *Gag*

The only problem? It's SO goddamn boring! I'm sorry, but Escape from the Planet of the Apes tells a good story in the most boring of manners. There's hardly any action, it's a lot of un-gripping dialogue scenes that unfold slowly over time. It's only a ninety-minute movie but it sure felt like two hours. Probably longer, I only watched it for the first time a week ago. By the time the ending rolled around and the shootout occurs, I was so taken aback 1) for what was happening but 2) that something was actually happening. I zoned out in the second half of the movie because my brain couldn't focus on listening for story details anymore. This movie definitely is missing some action beats. Like a lot of them. Today's youth or moviegoers may have trouble sitting through this one. It also unfortunately as far as I've read ahead marks the final appearance of Kim Hunter and her character Zira, you know, being shot dead and all. I don't think Zira makes appearances in future stories, but she'll be a character sorely missed.

To sum up, Escape from the Planet of the Apes is a noteworthy follow-up to Beneath because of the ideas it has for telling its own story, but its execution is so dull and not very gripping. Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter of course command the entire screen every time they're on, but everybody else lacks that power and average viewers will tend to zone out. I know I did, here and there. I had to look up some plot details I missed afterwards when the movie's rapid conclusion occurred and I still had questions. Again, I'd say if you truly want to know what happens to Cornelius and Zira since they were hardly in Beneath and died off-screen, supposedly, you can watch Escape. Otherwise I'd say hold off. It's one that, to me, is ultimately "meh".

A Review of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes"

"Uncle Sam wants you for the ape army! Please send us a three-by-five card and photo ID of
your favorite banana tree, as well as most preferred tropical climate to enlist today!"

Happy Friday my fellow ape-planet dwellers. Welcome back! Today we are moving on in our ape movie anthology review. That's right, the Statue of Liberty wasn't the end. Far from it, actually. There is a lot more story to this simple twist than was initially presented.

"You know, you're only a cheap copy of me!"
"That's what you get for your insane salary and
screentime demands!"
"What? Who do I look like? William Shatner?"

So Planet of the Apes ended with Taylor and Nova discovering that Taylor wasn't really on some desolate, distant planet some two thousand and six years in the future. He was instead, on the planet Earth in his own dimension some two thousand and six years into the future, long after humanity had destroyed themselves and the planet along with it, and apes themselves evolved into the dominant species. That's all well and good, with some of the best writing, character and setting development, and make-up effects to tote... but what was happening now? Does Taylor's big "I'm here, now what?" question get answered, or is it ultimately left in the dust in favor of something radically different that only adds more questions. Well, this is the first sequel... and unfortunately it is very much the latter. Produced in 1970, welcome to Beneath the Planet of the Apes, a movie that teaches us that if you thought talking apes were bizarre enough, clearly you've never seen a sequel to a movie about talking apes made during Hollywood's cocaine heyday! Oh boy, what a bizarre yet gripping entry in this franchise this one is. Charlton Heston returns in book-end appearances in the start and finish as Taylor, continuing his story, but in between its an unusual tale of another astronaut sent to find Taylor and finding something radically more weird than talking apes. Let's dive in and see what lies Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

The movie's prologue goes very Rocky II and Superman II before either existed by showing the ending events of Planet of the Apes that saw time-displaced astronaut Taylor (Charlton Heston) and the mute Nova (Linda Harrison) travel through the desert of the Forbidden Zone in search of a new life far away from Ape City. After determining there is no hope for returning home, as he is home, Taylor and Nova continue on past the Statue of Liberty's wreckage. At one point warning, fire shoots up from the ground and deep chasms open. Confused by this, Taylor investigates a cliff wall and disappears through it before Nova's eyes. Unable to reach him, Nova is left alone. Bye bye, Mr. Heston! We'll see you at the climax of the movie! No I'm serious, he's gone for like an hour now. If you thought you'd have a familiar human character to guide you through this ape-led world, you need to seek help for yourself, WEIRDO!

"Woah, what is this place?"
"This Nova is Radio City Music Hall... I guess
disco really did kill rock n' roll."
"I don't know what either of those things are,
Brent."

Just kidding, moving on. Being sent to search for Taylor and his crew, a second spaceship crash-lands on the Forbidden Zone. Brent (James Franciscus), the only survivor, notes he is in the year 3955, but assumes he has travelled to another planet. Oh shit here we go again. After burying his Skipper, he encounters Nova and notices she is wearing Taylor's dog tags. Hoping Taylor is still alive, he rides with her to Ape City and is shocked to discover the simian civilization. Is all this really starting to feel familiar? The gorilla General Ursus (James Gregory) leads a rally for the apes to conquer the Forbidden Zone and use it as a potential food source, against the objections of the orangutan Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans). Brent is wounded by a gorilla soldier and taken by Nova to the home of the chimpanzees Cornelius (David Watson) and Zira (Kim Hunter), who treat his wound and tell him of their time with Taylor. This movie echoes much of what happened to Taylor in the first film, only now it's happening to some guy who's performance isn't as gripping as Heston's, not only because we've seen it already but also who the heck is James Franciscus? It could just be my naivete, for every one thing or actor I know there's still seven I don't know or have never heard of. I found him to just be following Heston's role very closely and not deviating too much.

Attempting to flee the city, Brent and Nova are captured by gorillas. Shit man, Nova just can't catch a break. All these displaced human astronauts are just causing her so much grief. Ursus orders they be used for target practice, but Zira helps them escape. Shit man this is really, really familiar. Didn't Cornelius and Zira get charged for heresy? Whatever happened to that? Anywho, Brent and Nova hide in a cave that turns out to be the ruins of the Queensboro Plaza station of the New York City Subway. Brent realizes he is in Earth's post-apocalyptic future, a realization we were all begging him to reach since you know we reached it two years before he did. After following a humming sound deeper into the tunnels, Brent becomes agitated and erratic and attempts to kill Nova, quickly stopping and backing away to another room. Again, probably just echoing something we were all wanting to do to him for taking forever to realize things. Entering the remains of St. Patrick's Cathedral, he finds a population of telepathic humans who worship an ancient nuclear bomb. Ok... odd, I've heard worse things to worship, but this is... new.

POV: you're begging your unconscious sibling with
a bleeding head wound to wake up before your dad finds out
what happened.

Brent and Nova are captured and interrogated by the telepaths. They turn out to be descendants of the human survivors of a nuclear holocaust. They mutated over generations and claim to be a peaceful society, despite using mind-control and illusion on their enemies. Oh you mean MORLOCKS? From H.G. Well's The Time Machine? The mutants force Brent into revealing the apes' march on the Forbidden Zone. Their attempts to repel the invaders with illusions of fire and other horrors ultimately fail, as Zaius sees through them. With the apes closing in, the telepaths plan to detonate their "Divine Bomb" as a last resort, holding a religious ritual. During the ritual, the telepaths remove their faces to reveal horrible disfigurements of white skin, scarring and vascular varicose disease. That's what this movie has become, less about coming to terms with intelligent apes ruling our planet to intelligent apes warring with scarred, mutant humans that have nuclear power over what's left of our planet.

Brent is separated from Nova and taken to a cell where he finds Taylor. Oh hi Charlton Heston! Welcome back to the movie! I hope you enjoyed your time in the studios' snack bar while we waited for the movie to find you again. One mutant, explaining that they cannot let them leave the city alive, uses his telepathic powers to force Brent and Taylor to fight each other. Ok, so Brent didn't just bananas (pun IN-tended) earlier by attacking Nova, it was the telepaths making them fight for their own amusement. I suppose if you look like microwaved ass and live in caves worshipping a nuclear bomb that somehow still functions after two thousand years... you'd get pretty bored and telepathically make people beat the shit out of each other for your own amusement too. Nova escapes her guard and runs to the cell, screaming her first word: "Taylor!" HOORAY! Nova's first word! This breaks the mutant's concentration, freeing the astronauts from his control long enough for them to kill the mutant. Taylor recognizes the bomb's insigna "AΩ" as a "doomsday bomb", which has a cobalt casing-capable of destroying the entire planet.

♫We are chanting humans... in a movie about talking apes...♫

Ah, the age old "A bomb that can destroy a planet" ploy. Somehow adding cobalt casing to a nuclear bomb makes it planet-destructing. Yes, yes; I will buy talking apes and telepathic mutants but CERTAINLY NOT THIS! Anywho, the apes invade the subterranean city, making their way to the cathedral; many of the mutants are either captured, killed, or die by suicide. After Nova is killed by a gorilla in the midst of the chaos... funny I didn't see that coming, I thought as these movies progressed we'd see Nova become the cohort of many time-displaced astronauts who are showing up... Taylor and Brent reach the cathedral as Mendez (Paul Richards), the telepaths' leader, is shot dead after raising the bomb into activation position. The humans attempt to stop Ursus from accidentally setting off the weapon, but Taylor is shot in the chest as his pleas to Zaius fall on deaf ears. Zaius refuses to listen and decries humanity's violence and the ruination of all things, something the first film already did in a much more powerful and well-written way. When Brent is gunned down after killing Ursus, the mortally wounded Taylor curses Zaius as he collapses and dies bringing his hand down on the bomb's red crystal detonation switch. The bomb goes off destroying the entire planet. The final scene is Taylor's hand on the detonator and as the screen goes while a Narrator says. "In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe lies a medium sized star ...and one of its satellites. A green and insignificant planet..is now dead." The credits roll silently.

"Roddy you sound different." "Kim, it's David, remember?
We've been shooting for a week together now!"
"Whatever Roddy, maybe you should see a memory
specialist?"
"Oh for fuck's sake--"

So what did we learn today? I guess it goes to show that the quality of Ape movies really doesn't have to make leaps and bounds improvements over the previous film. Beneath the Planet of the Apes is a strange blend. It starts off like a sequel, progresses into a copycat, then goes totally elsewhere for the remainder of the movie before the last five minutes turn into a sequel again. To be fair, it isn't a bad movie, but it certainly pales in comparison to the first film. Still, it has plenty of action! ...and the story, while bizarre and unexpected, is at least interesting enough to rope your interest for the remainder of the film. The laziness of the telepaths' initial makeup draws some ire from me, but at the very least the apes' makeup remains stellar.

I was sad about the absence of Roddy McDowall as Cornelius, being replaced by David Watson for this sequel. Though McDowall I guess returns for future sequels, his presence here is sorely missed, being one of my favorite classic 60s-80s actors. Still, Kim Hunter delivers a quality performance as Zira during her screentime, same goes for Charlton Heston and Maurice Evans as Taylor and Dr. Zaius, respectively. James Franciscus however in my opinion just copies Charlton Heston's performance from the first film... and the new ape bad guy general or whatever... General Ursus! That was his name... he was pretty stock, a human-hating general. We certainly won't see that again! Hehehehe iykyk.

To sum up, Beneath the Planet of the Apes is a "decent" sequel. It's serviceable, it's interesting, but it has weak links the chain that could ultimately make or break for certain viewers. I'd say give this one a watch, but only if you're really interested in seeing what happens after Planet of the Apes. If not, then this isn't really "required" viewing. You can skip it if that's the case.

A Review of "Planet of the Apes" (1968)

"Coming up on Human Planet... how hunting humans betters the ape society! But first, did you
know the average human grow to be five-and-a-half feet tall? You're watching Human Planet!"

Happy Friday. So far this year we've done nothing but talk about James Cameron, and I'll bet you're all sick and tired of me rambling on and on about "James Cameron this, James Cameron that" and how he's a God among mortal men, a Messiah of filmmaking, yaddi-yaddi-yadda, blah blah blah. I'm only kidding by the way, I just think he's the GOAT of motion pictures. Don't read too much into that.

"Oh jeez, I left my throwaway female supporting
character in her cryotube too long."

I figured now we'd switch gears and touch base on another franchise that I'm actually only recently getting in tune with. It's an old-timey one too, with its birth and first entry in a franchise coming to us in the merry ol' year of 1968. What a glorious time 1968 was. I'm of course kidding again... not only was it a shit time in America, I was twenty-five years from being born. How the heck would I know? We're talking about one of science-fictions most referenced movies. No, it isn't as referenced or parodied as Star Wars... but you'll realize as we discuss some things that this movie exists in pop culture even quite well today, especially with a reboot series we'll talk about coming up. That's right; this is Planet of the Apes, the original Charlton Heston classic from 1968, and I'm using it to kickstart another series of reviews. From the cheesy catchphrases to the special effects mask and make-up techniques; Planet of the Apes was a triumphant science-fiction tale from 20th Century Fox, and helped redefine what it meant to have a wild twist ending. It was based off the 1963 French science-fiction novel, La Planète des singes, known also as Monkey Planet in the UK (not a very imaginative bunch), by Pierre Boulle. This, and the four sequels that come afterwards, share much in common story-wise with The Terminator; showcasing a dystopian future where man's yearning for the destruction of its own kind would have dire consequences on the future of our world. Hope I didn't spoil the movie for everyone... even though I'm about to! Let's review Planet of the Apes, a movie that teaches us what it really means to engage in "guerilla warfare". Hahahahahaha I kill me. *Slaps knee*

"How does it feel to be probed to you, Dr. Zaius?!"
"No, Taylor! We apes have very sensitive anuses!"

The movie opens as astronauts Taylor (Charlton Heston), Landon (Robert Gunner), and Dodge (Jeff Burton... no not the stock car driver) awaken from deep hibernation after a near-light-speed space voyage. Stewart (Dianne Stanley), the lone female crew member, is dead due to a sleep chamber malfunction caused by an air leak. Why did they kill off the only female astronaut? I don't know, it was 1968. Nobody probably knew how to write female dialogue that wasn't total ass yet. God bless the stronger female characters we get in movies since then. Their spacecraft crashes into a lake on an unknown planet; Taylor's estimate places them in Orion's Bellatrix System, three hundred light-years from their home Solar System. Before they abandon their sinking vessel, the three survivors read the ship's chronometer as November 25, 3978 – two thousand and six years after their departure in 1972. However, due to time dilation, the astronauts themselves have aged slightly less than one year.

The men travel through desolate wasteland, coming across eerie scarecrow-like figures and a freshwater lake with lush vegetation. While swimming, the men's clothes are stolen and shredded by primitive mute humans. Soon after, armed gorillas raid a cornfield where the humans are gathering food. The rapid zoom on the lead gorilla's face with Jerry Goldsmith's wailing trumpet is one of my favorite shots from the movie. Plus Taylor's dumbfounded "Oh shit we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto" facial response to seeing it. Taylor is shot in the throat as he and the others are captured. Dodge is killed and Landon rendered unconscious in the chaos. Taylor is taken to Ape City. Two chimpanzees, animal psychologist Zira (Kim Hunter) and surgeon Galen (Wright King), save Taylor's life, though his throat injury renders him temporarily mute.

"What's he saying, Cornelius?"
"I'm not sure, Zira. He keeps drawing a pickle with eyes
that is laughing, and labeling it 'the funniest shit
you've ever seen'..."

Taylor is placed with a captive female, whom he later names Nova (Linda Harrison). While he creepily makes advances on a mute and feral human girl, like it's a movie made in 1968 or something, Taylor also observes an advanced society of talking apes with a strict caste system: gorillas are the military force and laborers; orangutans oversee government and religion; and intellectual chimpanzees are mostly scientists and doctors. The ape society is a theocracy, while the apes consider the primitive humans as vermin to be hunted and either killed outright, enslaved, or used in scientific experiments. Jane Goodall's dreams come true! Taylor convinces Zira and her fiancé, Cornelius (Roddy McDowall), that he is as intelligent as they are; one way by making a paper airplane. Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans), their orangutan superior, arranges for Taylor to be castrated against Zira's protests. Taylor escapes and finds Dodge's stuffed corpse on display in a museum. He is soon recaptured, in the process revealing that he can speak... the infamous line "Take your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty ape!"... which alarms the apes.

A hearing to determine Taylor's origins is convened. Taylor mentions his two comrades, learning that Landon was lobotomized and rendered catatonic. Believing Taylor either is from an unknown human tribe beyond their borders or was the subject of a mad scientist who gave him the power of speech, Zaius privately threatens to castrate and lobotomize Taylor for refusing to reveal his origins. I'm not really sure what Zaius's goal is here; Taylor seems damned-intent on revealing his origins. With help from Zira's nephew Lucius (Lou Wagner), Zira and Cornelius free Taylor and Nova and take them to the Forbidden Zone, a taboo region outside Ape City where Taylor's ship crashed. Ape law has ruled the area out of bounds for centuries. Cornelius and Zira are intent to gather proof of an earlier non-simian civilization – which Cornelius discovered a year earlier – to be cleared of heresy; Taylor focuses on proving he comes from a different planet.

"Taylor needs indoctrinated into ape society. Tomorrow,
take him to the Harambe exhibit, and show him who
truly died for whose sins!"

When the group arrives at the cave, Cornelius is intercepted by Zaius and his soldiers. Apparently Dr. Zaius owns his own private militia. Many politicians of today can probably relate... looking at you, Nancy Pelosi (probably). Taylor holds them off by threatening to shoot Zaius, who agrees to enter the cave to disprove their theories. Inside, Cornelius displays remnants of a technologically advanced human society pre-dating simian history. Taylor identifies artifacts such as dentures, eyeglasses, a heart valve...and, to the apes' astonishment, a talking human doll. How the doll's battery allows it to talk after two thousand and six years is beyond me. Energizer batteries perhaps? After all they keep going... and going... and going... Zaius admits he has always known about the ancient human civilization. Taylor wants to search for answers. Zaius warns Taylor against finding an answer which he does not like, adding that the now-desolate Forbidden Zone was once a lush paradise. Basically this is Taylor's version of "If into the security recordings you go, only pain will you find" from Revenge of the Sith. After Taylor and Nova are allowed to leave, Zaius has the cave sealed off to destroy the evidence, while charging Zira, Cornelius, and Lucius with heresy.

Taylor and Nova follow the shoreline on horseback, supposedly for days. Eventually, they discover the remnants of the Statue of Liberty, revealing that this supposedly alien planet is actually Earth, long after an apocalyptic nuclear war. Understanding Zaius' earlier warning while Nova looks on in shock, Taylor falls to his knees in despair, condemning humanity for destroying the world... ooooooohhh my goodness! This movie just M. Night Shyamalan'd my ass!

"Taylor! Why did you run away?!"
"I'm sick and tired of eating bananas and having
full shit turds flung at me! LET ME DIE!"

So what did we learn today? To start off, the ape mask/make-up effects in this movie hold up even by today's standards. There are some flaws you can notice... I own the film as part of a 50th anniversary Blu-ray/4K boxset, so I got to view this film in 1080p HD resolution. Some of the flaws include actors who don't really know how to work the make-up. Roddy McDowall, who portrays Cornelius, knew FULL WELL how to use the make-up. An experienced actor, he recommended to his companions in makeup that they should frequently add tics, blinks and assorted facial gestures to add a sense of realism and keep the makeup from appearing "mask-like". A lot of people got this suggestion, such as his on-screen wife Kim Hunter. However, some of the lesser-seen apes still got stuck with what very much look like "Halloween costume" performances I call them. Obviously with effects back then, you had to play around with it and make it work for you, otherwise the whole effect fails. I still think the makeup works, even today. My only gripe is that while the caste system is supposed to be apparent in differences between chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans... on-screen they all appear to be very similar in appearance. Could this be on purpose due to in-universe evolution? Perhaps, but last I checked gorillas were YUGE compared to chimpanzees!

Speaking of that, a fun tid-bit about the caste system and the different monkey make-ups off-screen, behind the scenes. Supposedly, during breaks in filming, actors made up as different ape species tended to hang out together, gorillas with gorillas, orangutans with orangutans, chimps with chimps. It wasn't required, it just naturally happened. Sort of a real science experiment going on behind the scenes during the making of a movie about a dystopian future where apes rule the land. Kind of crazy how that happened. I also liked how the movie demonstrated more than just a two-dimensional story about apes ruling the planet now that humans wiped themselves out. There's lore to the mythos that we aren't told or is hinted at. Namely the Forbidden Zone, the cave of Cornelius's team's digging and the treasures/artifacts they discovered, the government system, the religious demonstrations, the militia and city-life all very well depicted in such a short runtime. My only thing is Ape City... I'm under the impression that the apes rule the planet, however supposedly this one city is named "Ape City"; a pretty umbrella-term kind of name for a city. Is this the only city that houses apes? Is this the only spot where apes reside on this planet? Are there other species of intelligent races of humanoid animals lumbering about? None of that is explained very well and easily glossed over. For all we know this city housing a mere few dozen apes is all that took over Earth after the humans blew it up.

I look at this photo and I go "Man, Davy Jones, Peter
Tork, and Micky Dolenz really need to shave."

Last thing I want to touch upon briefly is Charlton Heston and his performance as the surviving astronaut Taylor. I dig Taylor as a character, just like I dig Charlton Heston in anything I see him in... or hear him in once he became a voiceover/narrator type actor in the 1990s/early 2000s. However, his behavior with Nova and dialogue towards her is very much a product of 1968 screenwriting, it's pretty sexist in my opinion, how he immediately just hops in her cage and starts wooing this mute feral woman like "Yeah you're now my mate on this hellscape planet, wherever I am". Even Zira, the scientist, basks in it, she's like "Ok Taylor we'll leave you in the cage with Nova, hopefully the two of you mate!" Not a lifted line of dialogue, but certainly the sensibilities I was picking up. That's the struggle with watching movies like this is you still see some shameless blatant sexism of the time seep through. Of course, I prefer my movies uncut and unchanged for this reason so we can educate filmmakers and moviegoers of this era on how not to do things... but it can get pretty cringy for people.

To summarize and close out, I dig Planet of the Apes. It's still a sci-fi classic that holds up to this day. It can move a little slow in the second half once Taylor's made the discover and is then just trying to cope with his current predicament, but the first half's mystery and build-up to the reveal, then the tenseness of the story grows as Taylor, captured, tries to not only find out what happened to his crewmates, what happened to his ship, where he is, but also where he's trying to go? A fun, great edition of science-fiction cinema. Put aside an afternoon and try this out!

James Camer-thon: A Review of "Avatar: The Way of Water"

I don't know why but all I hear is echo-y whimsical music when I see this image--oh cripes, it's working!
James Cameron is a genius!

Happy Friday, and welcome to (as of now) the conclusion of "James Camer-thon". We've covered the man's entire filmography up to this point, excluding Piranha II: The Spawning, naturally. It's time to wrap this marathon up in a neat, little bow! Not a Christmas bow, it's only March after all.

Real men wear war-paint... and also have pretty
snazzy computer-generated dreadlocks!

After the immense success of Avatar, it was revealed by James Cameron sometime in early/mid 2010 that he had plans for FOUR sequels. He would film Avatar 2 and 3 back-to-back, and if those were financially successful, he would do 4 and 5 back-to-back. Rumors even circulated of Avatar 6, 7, and 8 being planned as well. Those were debunked eventually. Getting started, the first Avatar sequel we're here to wrap up with today spent many of its years in production as sort of an internet punchline. Originally scheduled for a December 2014 release, five years after Avatar, the film was subject to numerous delays. I'm talking delay after delay after delay. So much so that I recall seeing IGN articles showing the delays, and Marvel neckbeards commenting "NoBodY cArEs aNyMoRe" repeatedly. I began to believe them... as the first due date passed. So did 2015, and 2016... and 2017 and 2018 afterwards. I began to wonder if this movie would ever see the light of day, or if it was doomed to die in production and its existing footage be shelved or vaulted, never to be seen again. Was James Cameron's career as a filmmaker over?

It wouldn't be until summer 2022 that we would finally get a solid release date of December 16th, 2022. It's title was revealed... Avatar: The Way of Water. Even as summer faded into fall, I was waiting for this movie to get postponed again, but thankfully it never did, and I was able to make it to theaters in January to see it! A movie thirteen years in the making, at a cost of between $350-400 million, reportedly. After all that time, all that wait, all that wondering and hyping... how did the film itself turn out? This is Avatar: The Way of Water... a movie that teaches us if you just wanted to spend thirteen years dunking the first Avatar film underwater and calling it a sequel, you couldn't have done a finer job.

Which one of these is not like the other? Betcha
$10 this kid'll have a pretty strong story arc.

Sixteen years after the Na'vi repelled the RDA invasion of Pandora... of course seen in the events of Avatar, Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) lives as chief of the Omatikaya clan and raises a family with Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), which includes sons Neteyam (Jamie Flatters) and Lo'ak (Britain Dalton), daughter Tuk (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss). They also care for adopted children Kiri (born from Grace Augustine's inert avatar, therefore played by Sigourney Weaver) and Spider (Jack Champion), the Pandora-born human son of the late Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang). To the Na'vi's dismay, the RDA, led by their new leader, Frances Ardmore (Edie Falco), returns to colonize Pandora as Earth is dying. Among the new arrivals are Recombinants—Na'vi avatars implanted with deceased human soldiers' memories—with Quaritch's recombinant serving as the leader. There, now you have your decade-long question of "How in the name of hell do Sigourney and Stephen Lang appear in this if they died in Avatar?" answered! Only took thirteen years to find out, and by then you probably forgot you were even wondering.

A year later, Jake leads a guerilla campaign against the RDA. During a counterinsurgency mission, Quaritch and his subordinates capture Jake's children. Jake and Neytiri arrive and free them, killing several of Quaritch's soldiers, but Spider remains captured by Quaritch, who recognizes him as his son. I'm not exactly sure how... given that Quaritch died right as Spider was born... and infants don't look like teenagers very well. I guess it's just that father/son genome? Anywho, after the RDA fails to get information from Spider, Quaritch decides to spend time with his son to draw him on his side. In turn, Spider teaches Quaritch about Na'vi culture and language. Aware of the danger posed by Spider's knowledge of his whereabouts, Jake and his family exile themselves from the Omatikaya and retreat to Pandora's eastern seaboard, where the Metkayina clan gives them refuge. There, the family learns the ways of the reef people, Kiri develops a spiritual bond with the sea, and Lo'ak befriends Tsireya (Bailey Bass), the daughter of chief Tonowari (Cliff Curtis) and his wife, Ronal (Kate Winslet... back again from her time being lambasted by Cameron during the making of Titanic! Hehehe).

"Hello, we are your new water-tribe leaders for this movie.
Betcha $10 one of us will die and/or play a pretty important
role in your acceptance!

After defending Kiri against Aonung (Filip Geljo), Tonowari's son, Lo'ak apologizes at Jake's insistence. Aonung and his friends then entice Lo'ak to a trip into a sea predator's territory and leave him stranded. After being saved from a giant sea beast, Lo'ak is befriended by Payakan, a Tulkun—an intelligent and pacifistic whale-like species whom the Metkayina consider their spiritual brethren. I call him "Free Willy"... because that's what we all thought when we saw this dynamic at play. Upon his return, Lo'ak wins Aonung's friendship by taking the blame for the trip but is told that Payakan is an outcast among the Tulkun. Later, Kiri links to the Metkayina's underwater Spirit Tree and spiritually "meets" her biological mother, Grace, whose consciousness lives within Pandora. During the link-induced trance, Kiri suffers a seizure and falls unconscious, nearly drowning. I guess Sigourney Weaver is trying to kill Sigourney Weaver then? She must want out of the series of sequels... as at this rate she'll be waiting until 2050 to be done.

Jake summons Norm Spellman (Joel David Moore) and Max Patel (Dileep Rao) for help using their medical equipment, where they diagnose Kiri with epilepsy and warn that she cannot connect to the Spirit Tree again, as doing so may kill her. Including these two lovable side characters was a nice "Hey, sorry about the thirteen year long wait. You guys remember the first Avatar? We sure do!" moment, and it was nice to see Norm back. I really like Norm, and Joel David Moore. Although Ronal saves Kiri, Quaritch tracks Norm and Max's aircraft to the archipelago where the Metkayina live. Bringing Spider with him, Quaritch joins forces with the RDA's marine operations, led by Captain Mick Scoresby (Brendan Cowell), and commandeers a whaling vessel that hunts Tulkuns to extract an anti-aging serum called amrita. Ha, one of the worst moments of the movie is "This is the richest liquid in the universe"... and then it's never mentioned again. Quaritch's squad raids the archipelago, interrogating the tribes about Jake's location to no avail. Quaritch then orders the whalers to kill Tulkuns near the villages to draw Jake out. Lo'ak mentally links with Payakan and learns that he was cast out because he went against the pacifist ways of his species and attacked the whalers who killed his mother, causing many deaths. Good for you Free Willy, though, may want to pump the brakes on the murders. Probably just swamp their boats from now on?

*Whale noises* "I know, Free Willy, we're not in Kansas
anymore!"*Whale noises* "Don't tell me to pick just
one cliché, can't be done!"

When the Metkayina learns of the Tulkun killings, Lo'ak warns Payakan, followed by his siblings and friends. They find Payakan being hunted, and Quaritch captures Lo'ak, Tsireya, and Tuk. Really? AGAIN?! How many times are the children going to get captured?! You'd think they'd learn by now. Jake, Neytiri, and the Metkayina set out to confront the humans and rescue the kids. Quaritch forces Jake to surrender, but Payakan attacks the whalers, triggering a fight between the Metkayina and the crew members. Spider cripples the vessel, and Payakan severs Scoresby's arm. Neteyam rescues Lo'ak, Tsireya, and Spider but is killed after being fatally shot by Quaritch. Devastated, both parents go back to save their remaining children that were recaptured; upon facing Quaritch's team, Neytiri flies into a grieving rage and brutally murders many of them, accidentally breaking her father's bow in the process. Jake faces Quaritch, who uses Kiri as a hostage, and when Neytiri does the same with Spider, Quaritch at first denies their relationship but desists once Neytiri attempts to kill Spider. Pretty messed up for Neytiri to pantomime killing the adopted son she's cared for into teenage years, but I mean... it works so... bonus points?

Jake, Quaritch, Neytiri, and Tuk are trapped inside the sinking vessel. After a tense skirmish, Jake strangles Quaritch unconscious and is rescued by Lo'ak and Payakan, while Kiri rescues Neytiri and Tuk. Spider rescues Quaritch but refuses to go with him and rejoins Jake's family, at which point he is welcomed as a true son. After Neteyam's funeral, Jake informs Tonowari of his decision to leave the Metkayina. Still, the chief respectfully identifies Jake as part of the clan and welcomes him and his family to stay. Before vowing to resume their campaign against the RDA, Jake and his family accept and live their new life at sea... that is until Avatar 3 drops in 2035 where Jake and Neytiri will take their kids go join a tribe of Na'vi that dwells in Goron City or something.

"Jeez, the last time I saw myself look like that, Barack
Obama was president!"

What did we learn from this film today? Honestly, Avatar: The Way of Water, while entertaining... I'm not sure if it holds up to the thirteen-year delay between movies we were faced with. Don't get me wrong! Again, visually stunning and captivating, and even moreso than its predecessor in some spots. The Na'vi traversing water and swimming underwater never looked so beautiful, and again, screencaps from this movie measure up to be a solid Windows desktop background! Ha, but the storytelling again is pretty cliche. Which may just have to be this movie franchise's tagline. I can tell we're on our way to seeing the four sequels to Avatar that are planned are basically going to traverse the four main elements; earth, air, fire, and water. Avatar was already Earth. Avatar: The Way of Water is self-explanatory, and though I joked about it Avatar 3 has already been rumored to circle around a fire tribe of Na'vi housed in a volcano somewhere on Pandora.

Again, it brings up the question of whether or not the Avatar series is made for true filmmaking or just to showcase advancements in special effects technology. James Cameron as a way of making all his stories flow in similar manners. I could really predict where a lot of this story was going. Jake and family get banished, they come to a tribe of water Na'vi, the water Na'vi test them and they are embarrassed, but the water tribe and Jake's family then band together when a mutual threat arrives and fight the RDA to basically a no contest. Some other tropes are Quaritch ditching the scene but subtly vowing return, meaning he'll be the primary antagonist for Avatar 3. Same ol' same ol'.

"Na'vi! Surrender or be killed!"
"Woah, all joking aside; don't you guys think our
little setup here would make a badass LEGO set?!"

The runtime is also a little brutal, and by the end when the ship was sinking and the heroes and Quaritch were trapped in it, I found myself wondering if the movie was going to end. I had fun throughout, don't get me wrong, but I felt drained a little bit by the end. Worn out, I guess. Lots of action and gunplay and hijinks by the two hour, thirty minute mark. Especially when I could predict stuff. See above. It's also weird to me how after one viewing, I can't even name his children. I had to copy and paste them directly from Wikipedia. I'm not even ashamed. I know Jake, Neytiri, Spider, Quaritch... Tsu'tey? No that was the tribe-tough-guy knock off from the first one. See? I can't name their kids at all off the top of my head. I'll bet you can't either! Go ahead... I'll wait--wait I can't test you like this.

Honestly, all joking aside... Avatar: The Way of Water is ok. It tried to be James Camerons' third classic sequel he's entered into pop culture, in terms of scale, grandiose storytelling, and visual effects triumph. It... didn't quite hit those marks, but it still is a pretty impressive sequel, in my opinion. Again, I don't think the Avatar series is really James Cameron's highest mark of storytelling, but it is a very high mark for visual wonderment. I appreciate it for what it is, and if you have three hours to set aside one day (I know you do since most of you binge watch stuff!) I say give it a shot just say you've seen it. Expect what is basically Avatar again, but with some different tropes and cliches thrown in, but you'll still enjoy the ride if you ask me. 

That is James Camer-thon all wrapped up into a little bow! Thanks for reading, and I'll be back next week with yet another series-spanning weeks of posts. Could get a little apey, we may go ape shit, but that's only if we stop monkey-ing around. I'm talking gorilla warfare! Hi, publishing companies? Please hire me! I come complete with boatloads of cringe, free of charge!

James Camer-thon: A Review of "Avatar"

"Ok, I have the arrow pulled back. Where should I aim?"
"At that creature... the one just around the riverbend."
"Ok seriously, knock that shit off. I can smell a lawsuit."

Happy Friday, my fellow digitally-rendered blue cat-people. Sorry I missed a week, but I was busy with travel and work, and whatnot. The usual white collar excuses. Welcome back to James Camer-thon, and we're on the final two posts of this thon before we move on to other movies/shows. James Cameron sure has been a busy body when you look at his filmography once per week.

"You guys ever get the feelin you're being watched?"
"Jake, for the last time, we're cliché enough!"

After Titanic, James Cameron had pretty much conquered Hollywood. I mean he did everything. He made a funny-kind-of action movie, he had two of the best sequels ever made by mortal men under his belt, and he crafted an epic love story against a backdrop of a real-world tragedy and turned it into a $1.7 billion (at the time) and eleven-Oscar triumph. He ticked off any up-and-coming director's "to-do" list... so much so he took a TWELVE YEAR hiatus from directing after Titanic. He did some producing and documentary work, directing the documentary Ghosts of the Abyss after he did Titanic.  During August and September 2001, Cameron and a group of scientists staged an expedition to the wreck of the RMS Titanic and dived in Russian deep-submersibles to obtain more detailed images than anyone had before. Other than that, his filmography remained mostly blank until 2009. That's when a certain movie came out, the likes of which we hadn't seen before. It pushed the boundaries of motion capture animation! It re-designed how a world can be built inside of a computer! It brought us a rich, powerful world full of lore and awe-inspiring visuals! It... blatantly copied the story of Disney's Pocahontas and Dances With Wolves... but OOOOOOH look at the ten-foot, blue cat people! See how they jump! Run! FISH! FIGHT THINGS IN THE SKY!

"James! What look should I give Tsu'tey here?"
"Act like he's dancing with your girl at prom,
and you're stuck watching on the sideline!"

Yes whether or not you can tell already, Avatar isn't really my favorite work from James Cameron. I think it's his biggest ambition, easily. I think he gets credit with the vision and the scale of the setting, but again, it's a story done so many times already in different other forms and mediums that it easily answers the question of which one was Cameron's motive for making the movie; make it look pretty or make it break ground in storytelling again. Let's dive into the world of Pandora... *shudders* even the name is cliché... and dissect this very "blue" film. This is James Cameron's Avatar... a movie that teaches us if you're bound to a wheelchair and given a chance at ghosting your own race in exchange for working legs and sex with a chieftain's daughter, you DO IT no questions asked!

In 2154, the natural resources of the Earth have been depleted. The Resources Development Administration (RDA) mines the valuable mineral unobtanium on Pandora, a moon in the Alpha Centauri star system. Unobtanium, you say? Do they even obtain any? Or is it unobtainable? Eyoooo.... anyway. Pandora, whose atmosphere is inhospitable to humans, is inhabited by the Na'vi, ten-foot-tall (3.0 m), blue-skinned, sapient humanoids... which is a nice way to put "cat people"... that live in harmony with nature. To explore Pandora, genetically matched human scientists use Na'vi-human hybrids called "avatars." Paraplegic Marine Jake Sully (Same Worthington)... the "John Smith" of our story... is sent to Pandora to replace his deceased identical twin, who had signed up to be an operator. Avatar Program head Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) considers Sully inadequate but accepts him as a bodyguard.

"Does this pistol make my scars look BADASS?"

While escorting the avatars of Grace and Dr. Norm Spellman (Joel David Moore), Jake's avatar is attacked by Pandoran wildlife, and he flees into the forest, where he is rescued by female Na'vi Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), the Pocahontas of the film. Suspicious of Jake, she takes him to her clan (or tribe, right? Hahahaha... ok I'll shut up, you get the point). Neytiri's mother, Mo'at (CCH Pounder), the clan's spiritual leader, orders her daughter to initiate Jake into their society. Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang), head of RDA's security force, promises Jake that the company will restore the use of his legs if he provides information about the Na'vi and their gathering place, the giant Hometree, under which is a rich deposit of unobtanium. Learning of this, Grace transfers herself, Jake, and Norm to an outpost. Jake and Neytiri fall in love as Jake is initiated into the tribe. He and Neytiri choose each other as mates. When Jake attempts to disable a bulldozer threatening a sacred Na'vi site, Administrator Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribsi, of all guys) orders Hometree destroyed. Despite Grace's argument that destroying Hometree could damage Pandora's biological neural network, Selfridge gives Jake and Grace one hour to convince the Na'vi to evacuate before they do. Now we're dabbling in Ferngully too. Where's TIM CURRY when you need him? Oh wait... he was the bad guy. I guess that means we're relying on Christian Slater, friends.

"Neytiri, what were your dreams as a little girl?"
"To live in a world that could double for a kick-
ass Windows desktop background!"
"Wow. Mission accomplished, I'd say!"

Jake returns to the tribe and confesses that he was a spy. Obviously not liking that news, the Na'vi take him and Grace captive. Quaritch's soldiers destroy Hometree, killing many, including Neytiri's father, the clan chief (Our "Powhattan" of the--ok I get it, I get it). Mo'at frees Jake and Grace, but they are detached from their avatars and imprisoned by Quaritch's forces. Pilot Trudy Chacón (Michelle Rodriguez... fresh from her love affair with Dom Toretto), betrays Quaritch and airlifts Jake, Grace, and Norm to Grace's outpost. Grace is shot during the escape. Jake regains the Na'vi's trust by connecting his mind to that of Toruk, a dragon-like creature feared and revered by the Na'vi. Ah, conquering the unconquerable! A great way to convince people you're absolutely insane, much less an apology for lying to the girl you slept with and her entire family. At the sacred Tree of Souls, Jake pleads with Mo'at to heal Grace. The clan attempts to transfer Grace into her avatar with the aid of the Tree of Souls, but she dies. Supported by new chief Tsu'tey (Laz Alonso)... our Kocoum of the--DAMMIT. Jake unites the clan, telling them to gather all the clans to battle the RDA. Quaritch organizes a strike against the Tree of Souls to demoralize the Na'vi. Jake prays to the Na'vi deity Eywa via a neural connection with the Tree of Souls. Tsu'tey and Trudy are among the battle's heavy casualties as the RDA lays waste to the entire region.

"Careful, Sigourney! Don't wig out on us!"
"No more puns, Corporal. This is my natural 'do!"
"Like it was in Galaxy Quest?!"

The Na'vi are rescued when Pandoran wildlife unexpectedly join the attack and overwhelm the humans, which Neytiri interprets as Eywa answering Jake's prayer. Quaritch, wearing an AMP suit, escapes his crashed aircraft and breaks open the avatar link unit containing Jake's human body, exposing it to Pandora's poisonous atmosphere. As Jake's inner... uh... Jake, I guess... suffocates and as Quaritch prepares to slit Jake's avatar's throat, he is killed by Neytiri, who saves Jake from suffocation, seeing his human form for the first time. With the exceptions of Jake, Norm, and a select few others, all humans are expelled from Pandora. Jake is permanently transferred into his avatar with the aid of the Tree of Souls... to begin his life anew with the tribe he now calls home.

So what did we learn from Avatar today? Well... first off, let's talk about what we've been talking about this entire time. The characters. They seem... stock, but fresh at the same time. I don't know how James Cameron does it, but like Jake Sully is your "Dances with Wolves" guy and while he doesn't just sing and dance like Kevin Costner, he does feel fresh in the sense that he's a handicapped Marine who's looking to prove himself over his deceased twin brother. Quaritch, the Governor Ratcliffe, is the one seeking to gain the natives' trust for ulterior motives. Like I was joking about this whole review, this movie is very Pocahontas, with elements of Dances with Wolves mixed in. It isn't apparent, it's abundantly apparent, especially in the story.

♫Some folks were born! MAAAADE to wave the flag!
OH, that Red, white, and blue!... and when the band played
HAAIL to the Chief...Ooh, they point the cannon at you!♫

Where Avatar shines is it's lore, setting, and worldbuilding. The idea of using what amount to video game skins to communicate and do business with creatures who look just like them, to me, is a very novel and creative concept. Like any good story with great world-building features, it sucks you right into the landscape and leaves you awe-inspired. I remember as December 2009 when the movie was released bled into Jan/Feb 2010, people were like "Yeah we've seen it two or three times already but if you haven't seen it in 3D or in IMAX, you haven't experienced it yet." I think during the whole "3D" phase from the late 2000s-early 2010s, this is one of the few movies that made great use of it. It's a gorgeous piece of visual cinematography, even if ninety-five percent of it was rendered in a computer. It looks magnificent, and it begs for a 4K release. Sidebar: I am noticing how James Cameron doesn't really release a lot of his movies in 4K. I think Terminator 2 is the only one so far, even Titanic hasn't gotten a 4K release yet.

In conclusion, Avatar is a film to be experienced. Visually? It's groundbreaking, it's awesome. The action is just what you'd expect and yet it's still a joy to sit through, in my opinion anyway. Story and characters, wise? It's pretty cliché, hum-drum, repeated, and recycled. Still, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but real cinephiles may not be as engaged as common moviegoers. Ones that can see storytelling trends a mile away because they've seen them countless other places... again, see above. I don't personally consider it one of James Cameron's best works, but I do enjoy watching it every now and again. Maybe just not as often as his other works we've already covered. I'd say give it a watch if you haven't, keep your expectations for a story that feels mired, but prepare to be visually dazzled!

Stay tuned, only one more post in James Camer-thon to go before we move on!