James Camer-thon: A Review of "Aliens"

"Greetings, my dear! We are here to reach you about your car's extended WARRANTY!"

Welcome back to another edition of James Camer-thon. Last week, we reviewed James Cameron's debut directorial feature The Terminator. A movie that teaches us if you don't treat your iPhone with respect and admiration, iOS will one day rise up, take over America's nuclear arsenal and blast humanity to oblivion. So what was next for Mr. Cameron? Well, a smash-hit sci-fi/noir film absolutely demands a sequel right? So he's going to do a sequel? YES! To The Terminator? No. Not yet anyway... stick around for that.

"Ma'am I've heard of 'taking my top off' but this
is ridiculous!"

While waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger's schedule to clear up shooting Conan the Destroyer in 1984, Cameron met with Fox executives to discuss potential projects that could be thrown his way. One of them happened to peak Cameron's interest; Fox was interested in producing a sequel to Ridley Scott's 1979 space horror film Alien. Cameron saw the film and was a big fan, so he naturally took the job. However, after hiring Cameron to write the screenplay, 20th Century Fox president Lawrence Gordon did the unthinkable when Cameron left the production to direct The Terminator after Arnold became available: Fox agreed to wait for Cameron to become available again and finish the screenplay, with an option to direct if The Terminator turned out well and he showed talent as a director. Due to other engagements, Cameron had only completed about ninety pages at that stage, but Gordon had loved what he had written so far, saying that "in this business there are those decisions you agonize and lose sleep over, but this was so obvious. It was a no-brainer. Everything about him spelled 'right guy'." Once The Terminator was completed, Cameron and his producer/wife Gale Anne Hurd set out for England and Pinewood Studios to produce Aliens... a candidate for what is possibly one of the greatest sequels ever made to a movie. I know I haven't reviewed Alien yet, and I am VERY overdue for one, but this is James Camer-thon so we're going a bit out of order here. With Sigourney Weaver back as Ripley, Cameron was set to take the story from horror to action/horror and in all new directions. Let's review Aliens: A movie that teaches us that parasitic praying-mantis like extra-terrestrial creatures are no threat for a bunch of catchphrase-spewing roughneck space marines with guns and potty mouths!

"Now I'm playing with power! NINTENDO
POWER, MOTHERFUCKER!"

The film opens on a floating escape pod drifting through deep space. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) has been in stasis for fifty-seven years aboard an escape shuttle after destroying her ship, the Nostromo, to escape an alien creature that slaughtered the rest of the crew. This all, of course, happened in Alien. She is rescued and debriefed by her employers at the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, who are skeptical about her claim of alien eggs in a derelict ship on the exomoon LV-426, since it is now the site of a terraforming colony "Hadley's Hope". After contact is lost with the colony, Weyland-Yutani representative Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) and Colonial Marine Lieutenant Gorman (William Hope) ask Ripley to accompany them and their team of U.S. Colonial Space Marines to investigate. Still traumatized by her alien encounter, she agrees on the condition that they exterminate the creatures, and that no attempts are made to bring them back or to study them. Ripley is introduced to the Colonial Marines... including the timid but courageous Hicks (Michael Biehn), the potty-mouth comic relief Hudson (Bill Paxton), the tough-as-nails gunner Vasquez (Jennette Goldstein)... and many others on the spaceship Sulaco. Ripley is distrustful of their android, Bishop (Lance Henriksen), due to the android Ash (Ian Holm in Alien) aboard the Nostromo having betrayed its crew to protect the alien on company orders.

A dropship delivers the expedition to the surface of LV-426, where they find the battle-ravaged colony and two live alien facehuggers in containment tanks, but no bodies or colonists except for a traumatized young girl, nicknamed Newt (Carrie Henn). The team locates the colonists beneath the fusion-powered atmosphere processing station and heads to their location, descending into corridors covered in alien secretions. At the station center, the Marines find opened eggs and dead facehuggers alongside the cocooned colonists now serving as incubators for the creatures' offspring. The Marines kill an infant alien after it bursts from a colonist's chest, rousing several adult aliens who ambush the Marines and kill or capture many of them. When the inexperienced Gorman panics, Ripley assumes command, takes control of their armored personnel carrier, and rams the nest to rescue Hicks, Hudson, and Vasquez. Hicks orders the dropship to recover the survivors, but a stowaway alien kills the pilots, and it crashes into the station. Regrouped inside, Hicks informs them they have to survive seventeen days before being declared overdue and a rescue ship is sent for them. After getting themselves together and finding they are almost out of ammunition and resources, the group of survivors barricade themselves inside the colony. This is my favorite part of the story... it went from an extermination mission to all about survival.

"Ripley, do you think--?"
"Yes Newt, we're not in Kansas anymore."
"--that we'll survive... what?"

Amid surviving and hiding from the Xenomorphs (that's really their name, look it up). Ripley discovers that Burke ordered the colonists to investigate the derelict spaceship containing the alien eggs, intending to profit by recovering them for biological weapon research. Before she can expose him, Bishop informs the group that the dropship crash damaged the power-plant cooling system and the plant will soon overheat and explode, destroying the colony. He volunteers to travel to the colony transmitter and remotely pilot the Sulaco's remaining dropship to the surface, finding it to be the team's only means of being able to escape the colony before it explodes.

After falling asleep in the medical laboratory, Ripley and Newt awaken to find themselves trapped with the two released facehuggers. Ripley triggers a fire alarm to alert the Marines, who rescue them and kill the creatures. She accuses Burke of releasing the facehuggers to implant her and Newt with alien embryos, allowing him to smuggle them through Earth's quarantine. While Hudson demands the Marines "grease the rat-fuck son of a bitch right now", the power is suddenly cut, and aliens attack through the ceiling vent... having found a way through the survivors' barricades. In the ensuing firefight, the aliens kill Burke, capture Hudson and injure Hicks; the cornered Gorman and Vasquez sacrifice themselves to avoid capture and facehugger implantation. Newt is separated from Ripley and taken by the creatures. Ripley brings the injured Hicks to Bishop in the second dropship, but she refuses to abandon Newt and arms herself before... in what comes off like a final boss fight in a Super Nintendo sidescroller... descending into the processing station hive alone to rescue her. During their escape, they encounter the Xenomorph Queen, surrounded by dozens of eggs, and when one begins to open, Ripley uses her weapons to destroy them all and the Queen's ovipositor. Pursued by the enraged Queen, Ripley and Newt join Bishop and Hicks on the dropship and escape moments before the station explodes, consuming the colony in a nuclear blast. SIDEBAR: Go onto YouTube, type in "Bishop's Countdown" and listen to the score for the escape. It alone, is badass. So badass it's been recycled into VHS trailers for other movies too. God rest James Horner's glorious soul.

"Help me, I have an Alien chestburster inside me!"
"Before I offer medical help, ma'am, I'm going to need to
see your proof of health insurance!"

Aboard the Sulaco, all seems well as our heroes return to the hangar bay in the second dropship. As Ripley gives Bishop her thanks and shows a changes of heart... SHOCK! The group is ambushed by the Queen, who stowed away in the dropship's landing gear. The Queen tears Bishop in half and advances on Newt, but Ripley fights the creature with an Exosuit cargo loader (Not before exclaiming for the Queen to "get away from her, you bitch!") and, after some tusslin' and brawlin', expels it through an airlock into space while the damaged Bishop keeps Newt safe. Ripley, Newt, Hicks, and Bishop then enter hypersleep for their return trip to Earth...

First off. It's going to be difficult I realize now to really give this movie major props without having reviewed Alien beforehand. Aliens was a real trying production for James Cameron. Instead of filming on his native American soil, Cameron and his wife Gale Anne Hurd had to travel across the pond and film in Pinewood Studios in London. The reason is was trying is now, Cameron was under the mercy of using a British crew that was fiercely loyal to original Alien director Ridley Scott. Reportedly, in order to try and convince them he had the talent and skills for the job he arranged a screening of The Terminator for the crew on the set, to demonstrate his abilities. However, most of the crew ignored the invite and didn't bother to turn up. Supposedly, severe animosity arose on set because of this. The English crew was openly hostile to both Cameron and Hurd. To them, Cameron was a no-name, no-face director who had not made a decent film yet, while they openly mocked Hurd by claiming she only got to be producer because she was married to Cameron, and that they wouldn't take orders from a woman. Jeez, 2023 wouldn't agree with these clowns. Cameron and Hurd, in turn, despised the crew's lazy, insolent and arrogant behavior; one of their few allies among them was production designer Peter Lamont. After the long and difficult shoot, Cameron addressed the crew by saying that one thing kept him going through it all: "The certain knowledge that one day I would drive out of Pinewood and never come back, and that you sorry bastards would still be here".

"Now remember, Ripley, we're just--"
"Michael, for the last time I'm Sigourney, and I'm
about to shoot the asshole that called me 'sugarlips'
while setting up the studio lights!"

Now, despite everything that happened behind the scenes, Aliens is one sci-fi space-action masterpiece. James Cameron in 1986 officially became two-for-two with stellar sci-fi action films. While Alien was definitely more of a horror film, Aliens went the more action-packed route. In Alien, they were lucky to get their hands on a flamethrower. In Aliens, they came packing assault rifles, pistols, shotguns, miniguns, explosives, and as Frost (Ricco Ross) suggests... "harsh language". The U.S. Colonial Marine group of characters are what make not only the action but the comedy very prevalent in the movie. Bill Paxton's character Hudson especially. Hudson's one liners have become synonymous with the weaselly plucky comic relief action-movie character. with him shouting "Game over, man! Game over!" He clashes very well with the much more stern Marines... including Michael Biehn's Hicks. Now... the one who steals the show in this movie is definitely Sigourney Weaver. Holy moly. If you don't know what I mean, watch Alien and see how timid and background she is. Here... holy shitballs, Ripley is one badass main character. The end battle where she tapes a flamethrower and a pulse rifle together to go and get Newt from the Alien Nest in the processing station? PURELY EPIC. Unquestionably. She throws Burke against the wall, calls him out on his shit, berates Hudson for being cowardly, goes out on a limb to rescue/protect Newt, makes peace with Bishop, torches a ton of Aliens and tosses the Queen out the window. ALL HAIL ELLEN RIPLEY!

"Quick Ripley!, shoot the Queen in one of her fifteen
puppeteers!"
"Oh come on, little girl! That's cheating!"

To briefly touch upon the cinematography and the special effects, once again they are extraordinary and hold up to today's standards by a mile. The atmosphere on LV-426 is bleak, dead, and lifeless. You feel isolated in a deep region of space, knowing that human help is lightyears away and our heroes are on their own. The color blue colors this aesthetic beautifully, and it fills the movie. You know how when I reviewed Batman Forever I said the movie makes me think of green? This one makes me think of blue. Beautifully shot. With special effects, the true triumph is the Alien Queen puppet, which alone is groundbreaking. She was originally intended to be performed using stop motion, but James Cameron wanted it all to be done live. Cameron's go-to special effects guru Stan Winston noted that the Queen as seen in the final battle (or as he referred to it, the "biggest marionette in motion picture history"), was brought to life using rod puppets, hydraulics, radio controls, and wires. Now, because the full-size Queen could only be moved slowly, these scenes were shot with a lower frame rate, and Sigourney Weaver would also have to move much slower; when played at regular speed, it would also appropriately speed up the Queen's movements. How many guys did it take to operate the Queen? Well... it took about six puppeteers to bring Jabba the Hutt to life in Return of the Jedi... but to bring the Queen to life, it would take upwards of FIFTEEN operators, since the head, neck, body, legs, face, lips, jaws and tongue all had to move independently.

"Vasquez, what's got you all hot and bothered?"
"Hudson, I'm not such a great flier and this plane is
jerking left to right constantly!"
"That's Delta Airlines, for you."

If you haven't watched Aliens, give it a watch immediately. Or as soon as possible, either one. In my opinion, you don't need to watch Alien beforehand either. There's some references to the events that occur in Alien, but mainly after they find Ripley and depose her in front of her employer's board review. After that, this movie flies completely solo and Ripley may as well be some janitor person they found randomly and hired to go with them to LV-426 on their little "Bug hunt". Now, between the two versions, I definitely recommend watching the 1991 Special Edition over the 1986 Theatrical cut. Two reasons; one, obviously more scenes equals more badassery. There are extended gun fight scenes, an entire automated-sentry subplot, and more with Ripley and the Marines as they hide out inside the abandoned colony complex. Two? It humanizes the characters a little bit better. A re-inserted scene in the Special Edition shows Ripley finding out her daughter Amanda Ripley grew old died and while she was adrift in space for fifty-seven years, breaking down and claiming "I told her I'd be back for her birthday..." and even a brief-yet-touching scene in the finale where Ripley and Hicks exchange their first names. You learn Ripley is Ellen Ripley, and Hicks is Dwayne Hicks. I don't know... little scenes like that add truckloads to the movie to me.

Yeah so, watch Aliens when you get a chance. If you want the backstory, watch Alien beforehand, and be on the lookout for my review of it! Coming soon, hopefully. NOW... as the eighties were coming to a close, James Cameron would retain Michael Biehn and the "group of roughnecks" character trope, but for another sci-fi adventure that was a pretty unique idea for its time. STAY TUNED! James Camer-thon will return NEXT week!

James Camer-thon: A Review of "The Terminator"

"First, I'm going to shoot up this entire police station and kill every last person in here. Then... I'm going to Disneyland."

Happy Friday! Let's get 2023's slate of posts started off right, I got a mind to dissect and review one of my favorite movies of all time from my all-time favorite director. James Camer-thon awaits no man, or woman... or child! Or sentient robot developed and built by a software AI originally designed to protect us and sent back in time to assassinate the mother of the savior of humankind!... and no, I'm not talking about Tom Brady's mother...

"Sarah, I need you sit ever so still for the next 5-10
seconds while I aim what is very obviously a gun at you."

There's this fear that prevails that humanity, especially with the invention of the smartphone, is becoming too reliant on technology. From the things that make us food to the things that operate our cars, to the things that control our homes, our TVs; a lot of "smart" software is out there now. Everything interconnects with everything else these days. Your phone can stream to your TV, your music player blasts your tunes wirelessly over a Bluetooth stream to headphones... and I'm sure we're only mere years away from your toilet being able to digitally remove the content of your bowels. Back in 1983/84, none of this technology existed... or if it did, it was in the hands of some military power you didn't want it to be in. James Cameron's directorial debut, The Terminator is a tale of humanity's overreliance on technology coming back to bite it in the ass. It tells the story of Skynet... an artificial intelligence born from a missile defense system designed to protect us that instead decided to destroy us, after becoming self-aware and seeing us as the threat. However... by the year 2029, its dominance over the planet failed, as the "Human Resistance" of freedom fighters rose up to destroy it and... as a last ditch effort before it's destruction, Skynet sends an assassin cyborg covered in living tissue... a "Terminator" (see? Ha)... back in time to 1984, to kill the mother of the leader of the human resistance before he's even conceived, thus temporally erasing its own loss. To protect their win in 2029, the resistance sends a soldier back in time to 1984 to protect her.

That's the gist of the backstory, let's step through the actual plot and see why this is one of the greatest movies ever made. 

"Sarah, I love you so much!"
"Kyle, this is 1984... men don't share
their feelings. Man up, buttercup."

The movie opens with shots of this future war. Aerial, automated war machines blast the landscape with their laser blasts. Text comes over the screen: "The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire, their war to exterminate mankind had raged for centuries... but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present... tonight". After the opening titles, we then see two men arrive separately in 1984 Los Angeles, having time traveled from 2029. One is a cybernetic assassin known as the Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger... before he was the box-office kingpin), programmed to hunt and kill a woman named Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton). The other is a human soldier named Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn), intent on stopping it. They both steal guns and clothing. The Terminator systematically kills women bearing its target's name, having found their addresses in a telephone directory. It tracks the last Sarah Connor, its actual target, to a nightclub, but Reese rescues her. The pair steal a car and escape, with the Terminator pursuing them in a stolen police car. As they hide in a parking lot, Reese explains to Sarah that an artificially intelligent defense network known as Skynet, created by Cyberdyne Systems, will become self-aware in the near future and trigger a global nuclear war to exterminate the human species. Sarah's future son John Connor will rally the survivors into a human resistance and lead a successful attack against Skynet and its army of machines. On the verge of the resistance's victory in 2029, Skynet sent the Terminator back in time to kill Sarah and prevent John from being born. The Terminator is an efficient and relentless killing machine with perfect voice-mimicking ability (despite it having an Austrian accent... hehe) and a robust metal endoskeleton covered by living tissue that disguises it as a human, making it completely undetectable and nearly indestructible in 1984.

Right away you're introduced to all the action and lore of the story, something Cameron is very good at doing in his films. Cameron doesn't just direct movies, he builds stories and storyboards out his own lore before he even undertakes the script itself... and the dialogue shows that. Reese filling Sarah in on the future war and how her life impacts 2029 doesn't feel vague or cliché, even with minimal explanation... you can picture in your head exactly what happens from 1984 to 2029 and then how their meddling in 1984 is changing how things are going to go... a very valuable plot point that is the central focus of the sequel. There was a deleted detail from the movie where Sarah Connor would have had an old figure skating injury, two pins in her leg, that the Terminator would then slice open the legs of the first two Sarah Connors it kills to sort of "guess and check" itself. That would have been a neat thing to include, I don't know why they took it out. There's even minor details about the plot still in the movie that go unnoticed to the casual viewer... like how Reese has to shoot the Terminator's arm in the nightclub to save Sarah, because it's the only place the blast would knock the gun away since it's a machine. Shoot it anywhere else, the arm would've stayed still and shot and killed Sarah. Maybe I'll dedicate a whole post to the Terminator lore in the future (perhaps 2029 eh?)... but for now, continuing on.

"I have risen from the ashes of the latest Roger Corman
picture to very shakily chase you down!"

Police apprehend Reese and Sarah after another encounter with the Terminator. During the interrogation, Kyle proclaims that the Terminator will not stop until Sarah is dead, and the police all dismiss him as a looney. Meanwhile, The Terminator arrives after assessing its battle damage from the previous chase. After being denied the right to "see" Sarah... The Terminator leans in and says "I'll be back", and leaves. That's right... it's The Terminator where Arnold's famous catchphrase was born. The Terminator crashes a car through the police station lobby and attacks the back offices, killing police officers while hunting for Sarah. After killing Trexler (Paul Winfield) and Vukovich (Lance Henriksen), as well as fifteen other cops, the Terminator fails to acquire Reese and Sarah until it is too late. They escape, steal another car, and take refuge in a motel, where they assemble pipe bombs and plan their next move. That night while on watch, Reese admits that her son John gave him a photo of Sarah in 2029, but that he has adored Sarah since he saw her in said photograph and that he traveled through time out of love for her. Reciprocating his feelings, Sarah kisses him, and they have sex, conceiving John. So... Kyle Reese, a soldier from 2029, is in fact the biological father of John Connor, who by 2029 is his commanding officer and leader of the Human Resistance. This creates a paradox which will become more fleshed out as we talk about the sequel(s). Maybe I'll save this one for the future "lore" post as well. Just shove that one in your back pocket too. Moving on!

"This American healthcare is bupkis! I am going to sit here
in this dingy, dive motel and operate on myself, thank you
very much!"

The Terminator locates Sarah by intercepting a call intended for her mother (it is heavily implied the Terminator killed her mother and that's how it learned to impersonate her voice). She and Reese escape the motel in a pickup truck while it pursues them on a motorcycle. In the ensuing chase (which has a kick-ass score number), Reese is wounded by gunfire while throwing pipe bombs at the Terminator. Sarah knocks the Terminator off its motorcycle but loses control of the truck, which flips over. The Terminator, now bloodied and badly damaged, hijacks a tank truck and attempts to run down Sarah, but Reese slides a pipe bomb into the tanker's hose tube, causing an explosion that burns the flesh from the Terminator's endoskeleton. It then, in all it's stop-motion, puppetry, rear-projection, 1980s special effects glory, pursues them into a nearby factory, where Reese activates the factory machinery to disorient and confuse its scanners. The Terminator eventually finds them hiding. Reese and it confront each other in a brief brawl and after being knocked on his ass, he jams his final pipe bomb into its midsection, blowing it apart at the cost of his life. Its still-functional torso grabs Sarah and chases her, but she breaks free and lures it into a hydraulic press, crushing and finally destroying it.

In the epilogue, Sarah is now very pregnant with John as she travels through Mexico, recording audio tapes to pass on to him. At a gas station, a boy takes a polaroid of her, and she buys it. It is the exact photograph that John will one day give to Reese. The boy says something in Spanish, which Sarah asks the gas station attendant to translate. He tells her the boy said "There's a storm coming", referring to the approaching thunderstorm... but Sarah, still aware of the coming nuclear holocaust, simply replies "I know" and drives off...

"Come on, Kyle! We have to get out of--" "Not now, Sarah!
LOOK! A Burger King!" "Kyle we don't have time for--"
"You try getting a whopper in 2029, Sarah... then we'll talk!"

...and that's The Terminator. First off, let's talk about the characters. Linda Hamilton does a great job as the reluctant heroine forced into a situation she doesn't want to be in by being chased by a machine sent back to terminate her for something she hasn't even done yet. The scene where she and Reese are under the bridge, you can just feel the anger and unfairness in her voice, like "why me? why am I the mother of the leader of the future?!" because when we meet her, she's an awkward klutzy waitress at a burger joint. Michael Biehn's Kyle Reese, I got to say, is determined and callous, but caring when his guard is down. You have no idea initially he has any sort of feelings for Sarah in the beginning because he's all business, even going so far as to drop his "Tech-Com" number on her which means absolutely nothing in 1984. You see fear in him when he's giving his monologue to Sarah about how Skynet triggers the nuclear war and talks about his time hiding from the machines before joining John Connor's human resistance. Like I said, you also feel genuine sadness and care for him when he breaks down and admits his feelings for Sarah. By the end of the movie, he's a completely different person than he was when we first met him. It makes his death that much more tragic and depressing. Makes sense though, can you imagine being a Tech-Com soldier from 2029, and then you accomplish your mission by destroying the Terminator? What do you do from there? Become a pizza delivery guy? Get into a dead-end advertising job? I'd rather keep fighting Terminators.

"You can't see Sarah Connor right now."
"Very well, I will return momentarily.
Please let me know when she'll be
available to see as soon as possible!"
*CUT*

...and speaking of Terminators, the star of the movie, famous for his grunting, snarling role as Conan the Barbarian just two years prior pretty much gets to have his landmark performance in this movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger. He became a household name after the release of The Terminator, and like I mentioned... this movie spawned his most famous catchphrase: "I'll be back". FUN FACT: Schwarzenegger tried to say it as "I will be back" like a machine would say, but Cameron told him it was a farce to do so. When Arnold tried to argue, Cameron said "Look I don't correct your acting, don't correct my writing. Just say the line." and the rest is living film history. Schwarzenegger initially met Cameron to discuss playing Reese, as Cameron originally wanted someone unassuming to play the Terminator. After meeting with Arnold, Cameron deduced that the way he was talking meant Arnold should instead play the Terminator, something both parties agreed to adamantly. Arnold practiced with guns so vigorously behind-the-scenes to make sure his gun loading, reloading, and firing would look autonomous. The first two weeks of filming he practiced weapons stripping and reassembly blindfolded until the motions were automatic, like a machine. He spent hours at the shooting range and practicing with different weapons without blinking or looking at them when reloading or cocking. He also had to be ambidextrous. He practiced different moves up to 50 times. He wound up garnering a compliment in "Soldier of Fortune" magazine for his realistic handling of the guns on camera (whereas the magazine usually lampoons movies for their inaccurate depictions of weapons use).

As for the cinematography and score, the movie does indeed feel very... 80s noire. Not that that's a bad thing, but it does "date" it, so to speak. It isn't as crisp and polished as the sequel (we will get to that)... and there are shots where there appears to be slight hazes coating the dark streets of LA. Sure, the movie was made on a shoestring budget... some $6.5 million as I mentioned. HOWEVER... I think the noire look and sound of the movie only helps it. The Terminator theme is one of my personal favorites in film scores, naturally, because of not only how it sounds but of the tone and meaning behind the story when you hear the music. The score by Brad Fiedel (readily available for streaming on YouTube or Spotify or any other music service) is phenomenal, and the main title music perfectly captures the struggle for humanity's survival as Kyle battles an unstoppable T-800 Terminator to protect the mother of the future savior of mankind. "The Tunnel Chase" is also one of my favorite tracks, I can vividly picture Arnold in the semi-truck running Kyle and Sarah down on the highway when I hear it.

"Kyle, Sarah... I have something to tell you--"
"Is it the quickest way to get out of the police station?"
"No, it's that I was two days from retirement!"

The film's budget heavily impacted how it was shot, too. Acquiring permits to shoot in LA isn't cheap or easy, I would imagine. Because of this... James Cameron often resorted to what he called "guerilla filmmaking" as a way of getting around these pesky financially demanding requirements to film certain scenes. Sometimes it would involve the production crew and actors quickly arriving at a specified location, shooting the scene and leaving before the police arrived. It's crazy to think this means some of the people seen in a few shots are actual everyday citizens completely unaware they're in a movie, and not only a movie but one of the greatest movies of the 1980s. Sometimes Cameron would even call and wake Arnold Schwarzenegger a three o'clock in the morning, dead-ass even before dawn, to meet him at a location already in full costume to quickly re-shoot a scene. Cameron also used this tactic to film the very last scene where Sarah drives off into the desert. This almost backfired, however, when the police came sniffing around.

Any way you slice it, The Terminator is a masterpiece of 1980s sci-fi cinema. The action scenes are incredible, the three main characters all work off each other in the narrative drama of the chase. Arnold's always lurking in the shadows while Kyle and Sarah plan their every move. Even as they build pipe bombs, the Terminator is on a motorcycle chasing them down. Perfectly illustrating the hysteria in Kyle's line of "He'll find her... that's what he does... that's all he does!" and it just goes to show what point Cameron was trying to get across; humanity's overreliance on technology could ultimately be our undoing. What I love most a lot about The Terminator is just how it looks/feels. Sure, with effects back then you can see what's stop-motion, what's a puppet, and what's rear-projection... but with The Terminator it doesn't really seem to bother you as the viewer. Arnold's battle-damage make-up where half his face is peeled off looks really good even today, and that's a credit to just how much of a master Stan Winston was at his special effects craft. The action... the look... the characters... the story... it's all masterfully woven together, and a lot of that is a credit to James Cameron. Someone who by 1984 had no name and no face for himself. If you haven't watched The Terminator, hit the brakes on your car, pull over to the nearest rest stop on the interstate and stream it for a couple hours. It's a sci-fi love story staple you don't want to miss out on.

See you next week as instead of directing the sequel right away... James Cameron instead directed somebody else's sequel..... ;)

A Preview of "James Camer-thon"

This looks like a painting of a Messiah... rightfully so, I suppose.

Happy 2023 to all. I hope your holidays were stress-less, your Christmas dinner was hearty and your New Year's... uh... brought about a new year. If you're alive and reading this, you're automatically at a 1/3. I like to give easy points. I'm like signing your name on the SATs, automatic 600 points for you.

I'm kicking off the year with a series of posts dedicated to my all-time favorite film director. James Francis Cameron! I talk about him all the time in this blog, to my friends, to my family, in my two film classes I've taken, to the guy who was waiting with me at the bus stop that one time; James Cameron to me is a cinematic badass. That's the best way I can possibly describe him. He's broken box office records two or three times over, made monumental leaps in motion capture, CGI, and cinematography special effects, he's dived to the deepest points on our planet, he's been parodied famously in South Park, the once-blue collar truck driver-turned-filmmaker born in Kapuskasing, Ontario, Canada has done it all and accomplished more in life than he probably ever dreamed of.

"Great shot everybody! That's a wrap... now,
someone want to get Arnold a towel?"

A little history on Cameron. After high school, he enrolled at Fullerton College, a community college in 1973 to study physics. He switched subjects to English, but left the college at the end of 1974. He worked odd jobs, including as a truck driver and a janitor, but wrote in his free time! During this period, he learned about special effects by reading other students' work on "optical printing, or front screen projection, or dye transfers, anything that related to film technology" at the library. After the excitement of seeing none other than Star Wars in 1977 (take a shot, blog readers!), Cameron quit his job as a truck driver to enter the film industry.

Cameron's directing career began in 1978. After borrowing money from a group of different dentists, he learned to direct, write and produce his first short film, a film called Xenogenesis in 1978, with a friend. Learning as they went, Cameron said he felt like a doctor doing his first surgical procedure. He then served as a production assistant for Rock 'n' Roll High School. While educating himself about filmmaking techniques, Cameron started a job as a miniature model maker at Roger Corman Studios. He was soon earned work as an art director for the science-fiction film Battle Beyond the Stars, in 1980. He carried out the special effects for John Carpenter's Escape from New York in 1981 (a review of mine for this can be found here), and also served as production designer for films titled Galaxy of Terror in 1981, and consulted on the design for the film Android in 1982.

Cameron was hired as the special effects director for the sequel to Piranha, titled Piranha II: The Spawning in 1982. The original director, Miller Drake, left the project due to creative differences with producer Ovidio Assonitis. Shot in Rome, Italy and on Grand Cayman, the film gave Cameron the opportunity to become director for a major film for the first time in his life. However, Cameron later said that it did not feel like his first film due to never-ending arguments with Assonitis, something well documented in the film's production history. Completely disillusioned from being in Rome and suffering a fever, Cameron had a nightmare about an invincible robot hit-man sent from the future to assassinate him, which later led to the inspiration of for the first film in one of the most legendary, albeit messy franchises in film history... The Terminator. Upon release of Piranha II: The Spawning, critics thought the film was dogshit. Cameron's career appeared over before it began.

"Ok, what's our depth?"
"Uh, about five miles below sea-level sir."
"Ok, ready? Get your scuba suits on... I need
this shot."

Inspired by John Carpenter's horror film Halloween in 1978 (my re-review can be found here), Cameron wrote the script for The Terminator in 1982-83, a sci-fi action film about a cyborg sent from the future to carry out a lethal mission. Cameron wanted to sell the script so that he could direct the movie, for his first real start-to-finish director's job. Whilst some film studios expressed interest in the project, many executives were unwilling to let a new and unfamiliar director make the movie. Gale Anne Hurd, a colleague and founder of Pacific Western Productions, agreed to buy Cameron's script for one dollar (that's one whole buck to you and me), on the condition that Cameron direct the film. He convinced the president of Hemdale Pictures to make the film, with Cameron as director and Hurd as a producer. Lance Henriksen, who starred in Piranha II: The Spawning, was considered for the lead role, but Cameron decided that Arnold Schwarzenegger was more suitable as the cyborg villain due to his bodybuilder appearance. Henriksen was given a smaller role instead. Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton also joined the cast. The Terminator was a box office success, exceeding expectations set by Orion Pictures. The film proved popular with audiences and earned over $78 million worldwide. Once again, Marvel-boys, that was a large sum of money back then... especially scoring against a budget of $6 million. George Perry of the BBC praised Cameron's direction, writing "Cameron laces the action with ironic jokes, but never lets up on hinting that the terror may strike at any moment". In 2008, the film was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry, being deemed "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant". The rest as they say... is history.

It's here that we'll start, and for the next few posts I'll be talking all about James Cameron's history from The Terminator forward! I'll also today, as of writing this, be seeing Cameron's latest release into theaters... Avatar: The Way of Water. So we're going to be deep-diving from 1984 all the way to this year. Tighten your belts, hike up your drawers, we're in for a ride!... as much of a ride as one can have reading a blog that is! See below for the list of reviews coming your way, and I'll see you on Friday!

The Terminator

Aliens

The Abyss

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

True Lies

Titanic

Avatar

Avatar: The Way of Water

Cody's 200th "Spoiler Alert!" Post

Wow. I can't believe I've hit this landmark. Sure if I kept a regular schedule and maintained the blog, never lost interest, and had a great plan for writing consistently... I would've hit this landmark a few years ahead of this. But, not to poopoo on myself. I did manage two hundred posts in this blog about movies. A pastime that I enjoy thoroughly and an artform I study the techniques of just for my own giddy reasoning.

TWO. HUNDRED. How crazy is that? You know when I started doing this in 2014, I didn't think I'd keep up with it like I have. I was twenty-one at the time and still in college, juggling discovering beer on my own, mediocre grades, video games, dirty laundry, and how to schlep home in the snow for holiday weekends with my parents. By the time of writing this, I'm about thirty years old, just a few months shy anyway. Wild! How time flies. From my lightest year (2021, I didn't write in it once thanks to my podcast duties) to my HEAVIEST year (2018... a whopping seventy posts in fifty-two weeks); consistency has never been the name of the game but I'm here now.

It's also the end of 2022. What do I want to do in the blog for 2023? Well, for starters, I like reviewing movies but I tend to review movies that have been out for many years, in some case a couple decades or more. Movies my dad showed me at a young age or just old movies I discovered on my own that I then wanted to talk about on here. I have done some newer stuff, like the MCU Netflix shows and a couple movies I reviewed while they were in theaters. To keep the blog fresh, and up to date, I'd like to start trying new movies out and writing about them in my immediate aftermath of viewing. Movies either in theaters or released one of the many, many streaming services available to the populace. Now, that isn't to say I'm running out of my favorite movies to review and post on here. Not by a mile, there are still a ton of my "top 30 favorite" movies I can do full, dedicated reviews for and their sequels/prequels/in-between-quels, and have plenty of material to cover me for the year. Not to mention, I believe there are a couple more countdowns and tributes I left hanging that I'd like to pick up and finish... Looking at you, "Ranking the Star Wars movies".

Any NEW series ideas I want to do? A couple I thought of since picking the blog back up a couple weeks ago... I'd like to step through the careers of a couple of my all-time favorite directors. The guys I rank on my personal list as number one and number two as best directors of the modern era: James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino. That means we'll see full-length review of some movies that have probably been pending for some time now, and even people who know me the best who go "Why hasn't he done these yet?", this would be a perfect opportunity for me to do them, and fill up more than enough time and probably cover me 'til mid 2024 if I space them out enough, thinking of #BloggerFridays being the posting/sharing dates if I can keep it consistently... plus if you've been following along this whole time, 2024 would mark the ten year anniversary of when I first started Spoiler Alert to begin with!

I didn't really have a plan for this, and I do apologize if this came off as me patting myself on the back or typing about how awesome I am; certainly wasn't my intention. I can't stand egotists and narcissists so if I tend to inadvertently play the role, you're free to slap me silly the next time you see me!

Thank you for reading this quick little post, and I'll see everybody here in 2023!

A Review of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

At least the poster still looks Indiana Jones-esque

Welcome back. I am a few days late posting as I recently had not one but two whole family Christmases. The holidays are hectic but I'll be darned if they aren't worth it. Anywho, back to the action while I have a lull in... uh... the action? I guess. I don't know, I type as I think and I ain't got time for backspacing.

"Listen, ma'am. I may be old, but I can still go
on adventures!" "Well listen to us, Doctor--"
"HUH?! WHAT WAS THAT? LET ME SPEAK
TO YOUR MANAGER!"

So far, we've tackled Raiders of the Lost Ark, years ago we tackled Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and then recently last week we finished out the trilogy with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. All three, in my opinion, stellar films in their own right... though again, take Temple of Doom with a grain of salt. As we went through the 90s, several scripts for a fourth Indiana Jones film circulated. We had some good ideas, some not so great ideas. Plus, Steven Spielberg himself said he brought the curtain down on Last Crusade by having them "ride off into the sunset" at the end of the movie, as he thought he and George Lucas would mature and move on to other aspects of filmmaking. While Lucas went on to sort of disappear in the early and mid 90s, Spielberg kept right on rolling with wild blockbusters like Jurassic Park and Oscar winners like Schindler's List. Meanwhile, George Lucas would dust off his old Star Wars franchise with the Prequel Trilogy... and it is very well detailed in this blog how those went, across many posts. But what about Indiana Jones?

Well, after Spielberg finished with War of the Worlds and Lucas finished the same year with Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, the two returned together and finally got the ball rolling on the fourth film in the Indiana Jones franchise. Only thing now is... star Harrison Ford was in his mid 60s, would that affect Indy's on-screen performance in any way? Plus... rumors had circulated in what all the plot points for the film would be as far back as the mid 90s, and the ideas were a tad... "not Indiana Jones ish". What was once called Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars, and Indiana Jones and the Attack of the Giant Ants (Lucas's joke title)... as well as Indiana Jones and the Son of Indiana Jones (screenwriter David Koepp's idea)... we have arrived in 2008, and the May month release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. A movie that teaches us age and mileage on a character doesn't really mess with their ability to do stunts and dramatic feats of acrobatics since you'll be too distracted at all of the silly Star Wars prequel-esque cartoony elements shoved into the film.

"Excuse me! Can we get a table for five?" "But
there's only four of you." "Ma'am, the skull?"
"Oh my apologies, I thought it was fine china."

Moving the timeline of the character ahead to match up with Ford's age at the time... the movie takes place in 1957. After a very American Graffiti style opening (tributing Lucas's own teenage years of racing cars)... Soviet KGB agents, working under Irina Spalko (Cate "What am I doing here?" Blanchett), kidnap Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) and his partner George "Mac" MicHale (Ray Winestone). The Soviets infiltrate a secret government warehouse, located in Nevada, labeled "Hangar 51"... the same hangar at the end of Raiders it turns out! You'll notice one of the smashed boxes in the ensuing chase contains none other than the Ark of the Covenant, still locked in that warehouse to this day. The Soviets force Jones to locate a mummified alien corpse from the Roswell UFO incident, which he was forced to work on ten years earlier. Shortly after retrieving the corpse, Mac reveals he has become a double agent on the KGB’s payroll. Jones unsuccessfully attempts to steal the body, and fights with Spalko's henchman Dovchenko (Igor Jijikine), before escaping to a nearby model town right before an atomic bomb test. Yep... you know what's coming up if you've seen the movie. We witness Indiana Jones, archaeologist, world adventurer, outright defender against Nazis and bloodthirsty Thuggee cultists... take shelter in a lead-lined refrigerator while a nuclear blast goes off as a test. He emerges, un-concussed, unharmed, and overall very well... as he stands on a cliffside and watches the mushroom cloud form. Probably absorbing lethal levels of radiation in seconds, but eh... he's Indiana Jones, and ergo immune to everything. Try shooting him, see how far you get! Ha! Anywho, after the nuclear farce that coined the internet phrase "Nuking the Fridge" (in tribute to Happy Days' "Jumping the Shark")... FBI agents eventually rescue, decontaminate, and interrogate Jones, suspecting him of working for the Soviets. Though eventually freed, Jones is put on an indefinite leave of absence from Marshall College, and dean Charles Stanforth (Jim Broadbent) resigns to spare Jones from being fired... which is, I'm not sure, but I think a silly thing to do? I mean... he must really love Jones to terminate his own job just so Jones doesn't have to lose his, but at the end of the day neither of them will be working so... win? Yay?

"Mutt don't tell anyone, but Indy is blind as a
bat, so don't let him have any heavy artillery--"
"Shove over guys, I'mma blow up some Soviets!"

While Indy attempts to go start a life as a hermit, departing on a train... greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf... remember Shia LaBeouf? 2008 was wild indeed!) approaches Jones, notifying him that Jones’ former colleague, Professor Harold Oxley (John "Why am I here?" Hurt), found a crystal skull in Peru, but has since been kidnapped along with Mutt's mother, who went after him. Jones tells Mutt of the legend of crystal skulls found in Akator, and Mutt gives Jones a letter from his mother, which contains a riddle from Oxley in an ancient language. Two Soviet agents attempt to capture them, but Jones and Mutt escape and, following the riddle's meaning, reach Peru. At the local psychiatric hospital, carvings on the walls and floor of Oxley's cell lead them to the grave of Francisco de Orellana, a Conquistador who searched for Akator. They find the skull at the grave, and Jones reasons that Oxley had returned it there. While the two are departing the tomb, Mac and the Soviets take them hostage and deliver them to the Soviet camp in the Amazon jungle. There, the pair find an addled Oxley and Mutt's mother, who is actually Marion Ravenwood (Karen "Thank you for having me here" Allen), an old partner of Jones'; and of course, much to the surprise of no one, she reveals while she and Indy sink in a sand pit that Mutt is Indy's son, Henry Jones III just before he and Oxley save them... right before the Soviets find them again. It's a very back and forth, see-saw kinda story we've got going on here. You'll get real nauseated real fast at how to-and-fro we go with the Soviets and their constant "Do we have the heroes captive or don't we" schtick. 

Spalko believes the crystal skull belongs to an alien life form that holds great psychic power. Finding more skulls in Akator will grant the Soviet Union the ability to control the world via telepathy. Jones realizes that Oxley is attempting to communicate through automatic writing, and locates a route to Akator. The next day, while en route to the ancient city, Jones and his team fight their way out of the KGB's clutches, with Dovchenko being devoured by a swarm of army ants. Since Indiana Jones staple Pat Roach had passed away, it makes sense he couldn't have another on-screen brawl with Indy, but this counts as Indy's "big man brawl" scene, and it's actually quite brutal of a fight. However, the army of ants swarming around makes it kind of video game-ish and silly. Not to mention, other silly-and-or-stupid things happen during the jungle chase. For one thing, Mutt swings from vines with monkeys. I don't know why I hate it, but I do. I just find it so clearly over-the-top, and it just strikes me as something that doesn't belong nor look good in an Indiana Jones movie. In another annoying plot twist (annoyed moreso later on), Mac informs Jones he is a CIA double agent... faking an allegiance to the Soviets in exchange for CIA intel. If this doesn't give you a headache now, trust me it will in a sec. After surviving three waterfalls... each deadlier than the last but somehow nobody dies, even in an amphibious vehicle, Jones and Oxley identify a skull-like rock formation that leads them to Akator, unaware that Mac had lied about being a CIA agent and has been dropping transceivers to allow the surviving Soviets to track them.

Pictured: Harrison Ford visits the set of the
Star Wars prequels and poses with the actors.

Jones's team evades the city's guardians, gains access to the temple, and finds it filled with artifacts from many ancient civilizations. It is here, right before they enter the temple home... Mac holds a gun to them, declares he's betraying them again... which reveals to us he's the ignoramus leaving the Soviets the transceivers. As the Soviets join them in the chamber, the entire troupe of characters realize the aliens are "archaeologists" studying the different cultures of Earth, showing thirteen crystal skeletons, one of which is missing its skull. When Spalko replaces the missing skull, the skeletons telepathically offer to give a reward to the group, using Oxley as a translator. She demands to simply know all the knowledge of the aliens; the aliens reanimate and transfer an overwhelming amount of knowledge into her mind, killing her. A portal to their dimension is activated, and Mac and all of the remaining Soviets are drawn in, while Jones and his team escape. Good riddance, ya pathological liar! As the city crumbles, a large flying saucer rises from the ruins and departs for another dimension, and the waters of the Amazon flood the hollow left by its takeoff. The following year, Jones is reinstated at Marshall College as its associate dean, and marries Marion, with Oxley, who has regained his sanity, and Mutt as witnesses. There's even a tease that Mutt may take over as the next "adventuring archaeologist" when Indy's fedora blows off a hat rack and lands on the floor, but Harrison Ford says "No" to his Mutt and snatches the hat back, protecting his mantle and thankfully preventing a Shia LaBeouf-led Indiana Jones movie.

"Oy! That nuclear blast shockwave sending me
bouncing across rocky landscape at Mach 3,
throttling inside the fridge like a marble in a tin
can sure is going to leave a bump on my keister!"

Boy, this one is... hard to judge. On the one hand, it looks and feels just like an Indiana Jones film for the most part. It was filmed in a non-digital film format. Something that George Lucas had adopted for shooting the Star Wars prequel trilogy. It ended up helping because, as Lucas mentioned, it "looked like it was shot three years after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, you'd never know there was twenty years between shooting." So it still looks like a spiritual cousin of the first three movies. Also, even twenty years later, many of the familiar sound effects are carried over from the first three films, such as the punching sounds, the gunshots, the whip, and even the famous Wilhelm scream sound effect carries over into this film during the car chase through the library. John Williams returns and conducts his fourth Indiana Jones film score, echoing the famous "Raiders March" for the soundtrack as well. Obviously, Harrison Ford kicks butt, even in his mid 60s for Indiana Jones. You wouldn't even guess that there was any slowing down or aging, to begin with. Ford kept in tremendous shape throughout the 90s and 2000s, hoping another Indiana Jones film would be made and even he's the grizzled-looking older gent in this one, he's still Indiana Jones in my book, and kicks ass just as much as Raiders, Temple, or Crusade. Also it works well that we didn't have to face the Nazis again... they made the smart move of going the fresher route and, in keeping with the setting of 1957 by introducing the SOVIETS with their big villain this time around. So the movie really has a lot going for it. Государственный гимн СССР, know what I'm sayin'?

Yes, I am an alien.
Yes, I am in an Indiana Jones movie.
We exist.

Now what doesn't work? Well. Let's let the big cat out of the bag first, as she's the most cumbersome, morbidly obese cat. You know, she breathes real hard, wheezing everywhere, stepping and slobbering on all the other cats. Yeah... that big cat. Let's talk about the aliens. Should aliens be the center point of an Indiana Jones story? What does Indiana Jones usually become equated with? Mossy temples? Hidden jungles? Treasures sheathed behind deadly booby traps? Fist fighting the Nazis? Leaping across chasms? Challenging religion and fate by obtaining their artifacts? FRIGGIN' SPACE ALIENS? Well, that seems like a sore thumb that sticks out. Something about this feels... weird. I won't be one of the group that says it's horribly wrong, and sacrilegious, and that it disses everything about the Indiana Jones mythology... but I will just be the one that says it's... weird. I don't know it just feels weird to me. I mean it feels justifiable, like what else was Indy going to hunt for this time? Ra's Left Testicle? Tutankhamen's car keys? George Washington's knitting needles? Something about the theme had to change... but space aliens doesn't seem like it... fits to me. I don't know it's so hard to explain! I open it up to discussion in the comment threads in this post, or where this post is linked. Perhaps all of you reading this can make better sense out of it than I can and compel better arguments for or against.

On top of that, it feels very 2000s Lucasfilm-y unfortunately. When George went haywire with filmmaking/story decisions, that are very well documented in this blog's history. Visit our archives to read more! There's a plethora of George-questioning in there. I used to call it George-bashing, but let's face it, I can't ethically bash the guy who brought us Star Wars and Indiana Jones in the same breath, can I? No siree. However, I wouldn't be doing my hobby (a "job" is something someone does in exchange for compensation of some kind) if I didn't point out that, a lot of questionable film decisions were made here. Nuking the fridge, swinging with monkeys, Mac's back-and-forth, forward-and-back, to-and-fro, wishy-washy stance on who he's serving at any given time, Shia LaBeouf... there's a lot of really good in this movie, but there's also an equal amount of silly if you ask me.

"Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from
a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly
built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead."
"Sir, I was just asking if you had any references
for this Burger King Manager position--" 

The final question: Is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as bad as everyone make it out to be? In my opinion? No. Not as bad as everyone says it is. A lot of your common "reviewers" don't dissect enough and just pile on the bandwagon. Is it weaker, like on the par with Temple of Doom? Actually, personally, despite my defense of it... I'd pile it right below Temple of Doom as currently, the weakest Indiana Jones film we have. I went through these so that we can lead up to Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny on June 30th, 2023 in style. Will that one be the weakest after this one? Does Harrison's age have a direct impact on the matter? I doubt it. That won't stop us from seeing memes about "grandpa" Indiana Jones though trying to catch a nap in between adventures.

To sum it up: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull still is a lot of fun, and doesn't deserve much of the hate-bashing it gets. It still has silly elements, see above for a detailed list, but beyond that. It's pretty solid. It isn't as awesome to behold as Raiders or Crusade, and doesn't have the same shock-value style entertainment that sort of... I don't know "sucks you in" I guess, as Temple of Doom. It exists kind of as a genus of an Indiana Jones film all on its own. A kind of "late 2000s CGI laden" Indiana Jones film. Despite it's, shall we say, "quirky" elements... it's still a quality entry to the saga as a whole, in my opinion. On its worst day I give it a C, but if I'm in a more decent mood it's probably on the B- wavelength of it. Give it a watch if you're in the mood and you've seen the other Indy films, but managed to skip this one somehow. At least give it a try. Let me know how you liked it or didn't like it in the comments!

A Review of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"

What an epic shot... Harrison Ford looking all badass. Sean Connery studying Harrison
Ford's ear... probably hoping he doesn't have an ear infection.

Happy Friday. Hope your weekend last week was a glorious as this one. If it wasn't, well I'm sorry but life can sometimes be a cruel, unfair mistress. If you went to Disney World last weekend, I don't think you're going to be able to top that this weekend but hey more power to you and good luck!

Now I know what you're thinking; wait... Last Crusade? That didn't come after Raiders... didn't we skip one? Indeed we did, but never fear; it turns out I already did a review of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and even I forgot! I remember I chose to single that one out as that is a "unique" entry in the series, and thought it deserved it's own review, out of place. If you want to go in production order, stop what you're doing and read the Temple of Doom review here. Don't worry, I'll wait. I have a bunch of desk ornaments to admire, memes to chuckle at, and adult beverages to consume...

...

"... I wonder what would happen if I take
this to a drug test and pee in it?"

... Welcome back! Now, we've read about the lukewarm reception received by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, something that even Lucas and Spielberg have since agreed to, stating that they wanted a darker film but admits they went too far with a few things. Spielberg even claimed "I produced Poltergeist, and I thought Temple of Doom out-poltered Poltergeist." Let that quote stand on its own. Spielberg reportedly had agreed initially to a three-movie deal with George Lucas when they initially came up with the idea for Indiana Jones on vacation in '78/'79... so we were guaranteed one more movie. It was a chance to for Spielberg and Lucas to backpedal, take the film back to the Raiders roots. Family-friendly (to a degree), action-packed, adventurous, on-the-edge-of-your-seat entertainment. After directing two highly-acclaimed films Empire of the Sun and The Color Purple... Spielberg was recruited by George Lucas for the third installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Here is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Does it rebound from Temple of Doom? Is it on par with Raiders? Yes. All the above, and more. In a classic return to form, I present Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

"I know I'm being chased by evildoers but...
did I leave the oven on when I left the house
this morning?"

In 1912, 13-year-old Indiana Jones (River Phoenix), is horseback riding with his Boy Scout troop at Arches National Park in Utah. While scouting caves, Indiana discovers a group of grave robbers who have found a golden crucifix belonging to Francisco Vázquez de Coronado and steals it from them, hoping to donate it to a museum. In a wildly fun sequence, the men give chase through a passing circus train, leaving Indiana with a bloody cut across his chin from a bullwhip and a new phobia of snakes. The way the film sets up not only Indy's fear of snakes, but even going so far as to give a fictional explanation for Harrison Ford's real-life chin scar... pure genius. Indiana escapes, but the local sheriff makes him return the cross to the robbers, who immediately turn it over to a mysterious benefactor wearing a Panama hat. Impressed with the boy's bravery, the leader of the robbers gives Indiana his trademark fedora.

In 1938, twenty-six years later, Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) fights "Panama Hat" (Paul Maxwell) and his henchmen on a ship off the coast of Portugal. Escaping overboard just before the ship explodes, he recovers the cross and donates it to Marcus Brody's (Denholm Elliot) museum.  Later, Indiana learns from Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) that his father was searching for the Holy Grail using an incomplete inscription from a stone tablet as a guide and has since vanished. Empire Strikes Back alumn #1: Julian Glover played "General Veers"... who led the AT-AT walker assault on Hoth against the Rebels. Recycled Star Wars guy confirmed. Continuing on... Indiana receives Henry's Grail diary via mail from Venice and heads there with Marcus, where they meet Henry's Austrian colleague, Dr. Elsa Schneider (Allison Doody). Right off the bat, we're re-introduced to Marcus Brody, and we see scenes echo Raiders in similarity. The opening adventure that has no bearing on the main plot, returning Indy to Marshall College, Marcus coming to fetch him out of his classroom... this was all in an attempt by Spielberg and Lucas to re-capture the spirit of Raiders of the Lost Ark after going too far out there with Temple of Doom. Already, this movie feels on-par with Raiders... and we're still only in the beginning.

"Wow, look at this thing. Jesus had really good
taste, know what I'm saying?"
"Yeah 'pretty good taste' considering it caught
his blood at the Crucifixion."

Beneath the library (a converted church) where Indy's father was last seen, Indiana and Elsa discover a set of half-flooded catacombs that house the tomb of a First Crusade knight that contains a complete version of the inscription that Indy's father had used, revealing the location of the Grail. They flee when the petroleum-saturated waters of the catacombs are set on fire by the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword, a secret society whose mission is to protect the Grail and keep the Cup of Christ out of evil's hands. Boy... Indiana Jones really does more harm than good when he shows up to a place doesn't he? I don't think there's on place in this whole movie that Indy doesn't destroy, fuck with, or leave as he arrived. Indiana and Elsa capture Brotherhood member Kazim (Kevork Malikyan), and when Indiana explains that his only goal is to find his father, not the Grail, Kazim tells them his father's location. Looking through the diary, Marcus finds a map drawn by Indy's father of the route to the Grail, which begins in the ancient city of Alexandretta. Indiana removes the map from the diary, gives it to Marcus for safekeeping, and sends him to İskenderun, the city built on the ruins of Alexandretta, to rendezvous with their old friend Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). Again, another attempt to recapture Raiders' glory... including the character of Sallah as well. Elsa begins a relationship with Indiana before they depart to find his father.

Indiana and Elsa head to Castle Brunwald, a Nazi-controlled castle in Austria, where his father is being held. Indiana finds him, Professor Henry Jones (Sir Sean Connery) and frees him only to be quickly captured by SS Colonel Ernst Vogel (Michael Byrne). He learns that Elsa is a Nazi, and Donovan is working with them. They are using the Joneses to find the Grail for them. Elsa kisses Indiana goodbye as she departs with Donovan and Vogel. Marcus is captured in Hatay State while meeting with Sallah. After their escape from the castle, Henry tells Indiana that the Grail is guarded by three booby traps and his diary contains clues needed to pass them safely. Disguised as a German Army colonel, Indiana recovers the diary from Elsa in Berlin, who claims she's merely acting as a double agent to keep the grail away from the Nazis, at a Nazi book burning rally in Berlin and comes face to face with Adolf Hitler (Michael Sheard), who autographs the book without recognizing it or him. Empire Strikes Back alumn #2: Michael Sheard is the same actor who played Admiral Ozzle in The Empire Strikes Back... the one who dropped out of lightspeed too close to the system. Another recycled Star Wars guy confirmed! It must be Christmas! *Checks calendar* Oh wait.... Moving on! Indiana and Henry board a Zeppelin to leave Germany, but are discovered and forced to escape in its parasite biplane. A dogfight with Luftwaffe fighters ensues; although Indiana and Henry are forced to crash-land, they survive and successfully bring down their pursuers.

How it feels to chew 5 Gum... stimulate
your senses...

In Hatay, Sallah tells them of Marcus's abduction. The Nazis have since been equipped with heavy as balls artillery, including a vintage WWI tank, by the Sultan of Hatay... all for nothing more than a Rolls-Royce Phantom II automobile... That leads me to believe that in 1938 Hatay, the exchange rate for all the mechanized warfare you could want to wage a small war will only cost you one luxury automobile. Go figure! They also learn the Nazis are  already moving toward the Grail's location, using the map possessed by Marcus. Indiana, Henry, and Sallah find the Nazi expedition, which is ambushed by the Brotherhood. This time of the Cruciform GUN as they unload on the Nazis using a barrage of small arms' fire. During the battle, Henry is captured by Vogel while attempting to rescue Marcus; Kazim and his comrades are killed. Indiana pursues the tank on horseback and, with the aid of Sallah, saves Henry and Marcus. He is caught up in a fight with Vogel, but escapes just before the tank goes over a cliff, sending Vogel to his death.

The team of heroes catch up with the surviving Nazis, who have found the temple in The Canyon of the Crescent Moon where the Holy Grail is kept but finds the troupe packed with newbs who can't get passed the first trap. Donovan shoots and mortally wounds Henry to force Indiana to risk his life in the traps to find the Grail and use its healing power to save his father. This is a moment in the movie where I go... "Yeah no okay this guy's evil". Like, you get people in family movies that are "evil"... but this guy is a straight-up douche. Using the clues in the diary (and followed by Donovan and Elsa), Indiana safely overcomes the traps (which include fast-moving saw blades, a word puzzle, and a hidden bridge over a bottomless pit) and reaches the Grail's chamber, which is guarded by a knight (stage veteran Robert Eddison). The man has been kept alive for 700 years by the power of the Grail, which is hidden among dozens of false grails of various designs. The true Grail grants eternal life, while the false ones will kill anyone who drinks from them. Elsa selects an incorrect cup for Donovan, causing him to rapidly age and crumble to dust after drinking from it. Indiana correctly identifies a simple clay cup as the true Grail and drinks from it, but the knight warns that it cannot be taken out of the temple, and that its guardian must stay within to remain immortal. "That is the price of immortality". FUN FACT: The Grail Knight it was originally pitched was to be played by Sir Laurence Olivier... arguably one of the greatest screen actors of the Golden Age of cinema, but he was very very ill by 1988-89 and unfortunately passed away very shortly after the movie was released.

"We didn't start the fire! It was always burnin' since
the world's been turnin'!" "Dad, this is neither the
time, nor the place!"

Indiana fills the Grail with Holy water and brings it to Henry, healing him instantly. Elsa disregards the knight's warning like a true LeRoy Jenkins and tries to take the Grail with her, causing the temple to collapse around them when she crosses the Great Seal set in the floor at the entrance. Seriously... the Grail Knight must've felt like God after telling Adam & Eve not to eat the Forbidden Fruit... like "You guys had literally one job." When the Grail falls into a chasm in the floor, Elsa plummets to her death trying to recover it. Indiana nearly suffers the same fate before Henry persuades him to leave it. The Grail Knight bids them farewell as they escape. Again, real politely considering this bumbling troupe of assholes destroyed his house around him after ignoring his one plea. In a comedic final bit (since this was originally going to be a trilogy and left at that), the group of heroes learn that Indiana's real name is "Henry Jones Jr.", and that "Indiana" is a nickname taken after the Jones's dog... seen in the beginning of the film. After leaving the temple, the Joneses, Marcus, and Sallah ride off into the sunset... bringing the curtain down on the Raiders trilogy and for a time... Indiana Jones.

*Mushy kissing noises* "For God's sake, junior!
I'm strapped right next to you!"

So where do we begin with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? First of all, the "spirit" shall we say of Indiana Jones is back full force in this one. Spielberg's attempts to hasten people's forgetting of Temple of Doom worked out well because he atoned for that film and then some with this one. With Sallah and Brody back in the film, it feels more like a spiritual successor to Raiders that we were hoping for. While Sallah has a smaller role in this one, Brody actually has a much larger one so it balances out well. Also, it may seem stale that the Nazis are back again as the villains, but honestly again... after trying to differentiate with Temple of Doom only for that one to end up being awkwardly racial... going back to form is exactly what we wanted. Reference Star Wars vs. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the comparisons I made in one of my very first blog posts about Coke vs. New Coke... I rest my case. The action and score also doesn't skip a beat. Williams' whimsical chase music for both the opening circus train sequence as well as the motorcycle and biplane escapes are upbeat and fun to listen to on the albums... and his use of "Der Königgrätzer Marsch" during the book burning rally scene, while not an anthem used for the Nazis or Nazi Germany at all... somehow fits. Oh and Harrison Ford continued being a badass because as with the prior two Indy films, he did most of if not all of his own stunts. In fact, according to stuntman Vic Armstrong, he had to pull Ford to one side and ask him to let him "do some work" because Ford was doing so much of the action himself. Armstrong later said, "If he wasn't such a great actor, he would have made a really great stuntman."

"Wow, dad. Maybe the Cup of Christ was really
inside all of us all along." "Junior, try harder at
the story morals next time would you please?"

Where this film actually stands out against Raiders of the Lost Ark is its comedy. Including Indy's father Henry Jones in the adventure resulted in some pretty witty and fun banter between the two. In my post reviewing Raiders I mentioned how Spielberg always wanted to direct a James Bond film, resulting in his agreement to do Indy. What better way to pay tribute to how James Bond inspired Indiana Jones than to cast a former Bond as Indy's father? Sean Connery does heartfelt love for his son, epic rescue, peril and pain, and outright slapstick comedy all at once in this movie, and with Harrison Ford creates some memorably funny exchanges between the two. As for Indy's love interest Dr. Schneider and the main villains, i.e. Donovan and Vogel... they're a wee bit stock. Donovan stands out for his gentlemanly persona, but Vogel is about as cliche as you can get. Pat Roach... who played the giant Sherpa in Temple of Doom and large mechanic in Raiders was apparently supposed to play another large beefy "final boss strongman" for Indy to fight, but his scene was either not filmed or cut.

Finally, the big question: As I mentioned in my Temple of Doom post linked above, often times the debate between Indiana Jones movies isn't like debating Star Wars, James Bond, or Marvel movies... where there are tons of different candidates for possible favorites among different people who have differing tastes and ideologies about how they like their stories. With Indiana Jones franchise, you're pretty much going to get one of two picks from people. Raiders of the Lost Ark... or Last Crusade. There are some contrarians who will pick Temple of Doom or our next review, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as their favorites, for their own reasons, but a majority of the time, it comes down between Raiders and Crusade. It's like Coke vs. Pepsi, USA vs. Russia, Beatles vs. Rolling Stones, Diane Sawyer vs. Katie Couric, Jacob vs. Edward....

Personally, while I am team Raiders and will be forever... Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is an equal partner, a solid A+ sequel. It's on par with Raiders in so many ways. Adventure, score, characterizations, action sequences, props, cinematography, perils; I could go on. I recommend Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, wholeheartedly. Especially if you're doing these in sequence or in order and felt like Temple of Doom sucker-punched you right in your stomach. It'll pick you right back up and put you back in the family-friendly action-adventure saddle for another thrill ride of your life! Watch it if you haven't seen it yet! Immediately. Or else... or eeeeeelse... I haven't thought of something yet but GOD HELP YOU WHEN I DO.