HALLOWEEN 2K23: A Review of "Scream 4"

"My name is Ghostface, some call me 'Ghostface'. My shtick may be getting old, but my victims aren't!"
*Ba dum tss*

It's time for Octoberfest to continue, after a long fourteen day wait. I've been horrifically slacking. Get ready for a rapid-fire of planned posts over the next (and final) week of October. Hey this is Spookytober on Spoiler Alert, so my scheduling is a bit out of whack. I've also been thinking of taking the month of December off from blogging for the future. Just as a breather/refresher and to give me time to come up with some new ideas to kick off the next year.

"How much are we getting paid for these cameos?"
"I just wanted to have my chance at sitting on a couch with
the great Rogue of the X-Men!"
"Oh my God, could we hire someone who's not a complete
nerd?!"

BUT NO TIME FOR THAT! It's time to review the next three Scream movies! Between one post in 2019, and the two we've done for this October in 2023, we've covered the original trilogy. So far, it's been a slowly descending quality line. Scream is great, Scream 2 is equally great, and Scream 3 tried to be equally good but came up short in a few places; ultimately it's still a good movie in my eyes. But that was then, and this is now. We're onto the big reboot-quel that came out eleven years later. This movie came out after my 18th birthday in 2011, and was once again directed by Wes Craven like the three movies before it. It was also written by Kevin Williamson just like Scream and Scream 2 were. So the movie-jargon-rambling dialogue is back! Who's also back? Sidney? Gale? Dewey? ALL of the above! So it's the perfect Scream reboot-quel right?

WRONG! Haha, while not a a great movie, Scream 4... also stylized as Scre4m, tried to really grasp a new generation of movie goers. It did, I'm sure it did. The three original trilogy movies are loved and worshipped horror movies, so why shouldn't Scream 4 succeed? Especially in 2011? Well... upon a rewatch by me for this review, it kind of ended up being just... plain dull. I think this was the script where I saw Kevin Williamson really starting to believe Scream 4's hype just a little too hard. Let's dive in and dissect this turkey.

On the 15th anniversary week of the original Woodsboro murders, as of course depicted in Scream, high school students Jenny Randall (Aimee Teegarden) and Marnie Cooper (Britt Robertson) are murdered by Ghostface (voiced by Roger L. Jackson). Sidney Prescott (Neve "This bit is getting old" Campbell) returns to Woodsboro the following day to promote her self-help book with her publicist, Rebecca Walters (Alison Brie, of all people!). After evidence is found in her rental car, Sidney becomes a prime suspect in the murders and must stay in town until they are solved... somebody clearly has it out for Sidney! ................. again!

LIVE LOOK IN: Courteney Cox, with the end of Scream
and F*R*I*E*N*D*S upon her, watches her career come
crashing down upon her.

Sidney's cousin, Jill Roberts (Emma Roberts), who is coping with the infidelity of her ex-boyfriend, Trevor Sheldon (Nico Tortorella), gets a threatening phone call from Ghostface, as does her friend Olivia Morris (Marielle Jaffe). Jill and Olivia, alongside their friend Kirby Reed (Hayden Panettiere)... ya gotta love these Kevin Williamson/Scream-ass names. Anywho, they're questioned about their calls by Dewey Riley (David "My pro wrestling career is starting soon" Arquette), now the town's sheriff, while his deputies Judy Hicks (Marley Shelton), Anthony Perkins (Anthony Anderson... no not the Psycho guy), and Hoss (Adam Brody) assist him in the case. Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox-Arquette), Dewey's wife, is struggling with writer's block and decides to investigate the murders against her husband's wishes. That night, as Sidney stays over with Jill and her aunt Kate (Mary McDonnell), Olivia is killed by Ghostface as Jill and Kirby watch in horror from across the street. Sidney herself is then confronted by Ghostface, and they fight until Ghostface is forced to flee when Perkins and Hoss arrive. Sidebar: I wonder if Neve Campbell goes to therapy and her therapist has her beat the shit out of a dummy dressed as Ghostface to get her anger/rage out?

At the hospital, Sidney fires Rebecca after learning of her desire to exploit the murders to increase book sales, and Rebecca is subsequently murdered by Ghostface at a parking garage. NOOO now who will Dave Franco marry? Gale enlists the help of two high school movie fanatics, Charlie Walker (Rory Culkin) and Robbie Mercer (Erik Knudsen). Charlie theorizes that the killer is following the rules of horror remakes, and Gale and Sidney conclude that the killer will likely strike at the "Stabathon", a screening party held in a barn where teenagers gather to binge watch all seven movies of the Stab franchise. "What are the rules of a horror remake?" I hear you cry out from the toilet? Well my friends... it goes like this:

1. Don't fuck with the original.
2. The Death scenes have to be way more extreme (which isn't original, this is Scream 2's rule but just... again).
3. Unexpected is the new cliche.
4. Virgins can die now.
5. New versions are always 2.0, so the latest technology is always involved and integral to the plot. This means the killer may start filming the murders.
6. You have to have an opening sequence... (which is just a lazy rule).
7. If you want to survive in a modern-day horror movie, you pretty much have to be gay. (Hasty justification, if you ask me).

LIVE LOOK IN: David Arquette pulls a gun in his latest
hardcore wrestling death match.

Gale sneaks into the party to investigate, but Ghostface attacks her, stabbing her in the shoulder. Hoss and Perkins, who were assigned to guard Jill's house, are also murdered. Sidney discovers through another taunting call from Ghostface that Jill has left for Kirby's, before Ghostface attacks her and Kate, killing the latter. Jill, Kirby, Charlie, Robbie, and Trevor arrive for an after party at Kirby's house when Ghostface strikes, killing a drunken Robbie. Sidney arrives to leave with Jill, but they are both chased by Ghostface. As Sidney calls Dewey and tries to find Jill, Kirby frees Charlie, who was bound and gagged, but he immediately stabs her, revealing himself as Ghostface before leaving her to bleed out. Sidney is confronted by Charlie and a second Ghostface, who reveals herself as Jill. She admits to masterminding the murders out of jealousy from the fame that Sidney received for surviving the previous killing sprees and desires to achieve clout as a pseudo-victim of the murders, intending to frame Trevor as Ghostface. Jill kills Trevor and betrays Charlie, stabbing him to death to pin him as Trevor's accomplice so she can be the sole survivor. She then stabs Sidney and mutilates herself to frame Trevor further.

Dewey and the police arrive as Sidney and Jill are taken to the hospital. After discovering that Sidney has survived, an enraged Jill goes to her hospital room and makes a final attempt to kill her, but Sidney fights back. Dewey, Gale, and Judy intervene, after Dewey learns she was the killer by the fact that Jill somehow knew exactly where Gale was stabbed. Jill subdues Dewey and Hicks and holds Gale at gunpoint, but Sidney incapacitates Jill with a defibrillator and ultimately kills her by shooting her heart. Dewey calls in all police units, as reporters outside erroneously name Jill as the "sole surviving hero".

That's Scream 4. Wes Craven's last foray into the Scream franchise before his untimely passing in 2015. The last one also that had the OG three as the titular protagonists; Neve, Courteney, and David. How does Scream 4 hold up? Well... to sum it up in one post-ending paragraph, I wasn't a fan upon a rewatch. Scream 4 isn't as good as the original trilogy, and gosh dang it it tried. At this point, in my opinion, the main three characters' gimmicks got stale. The only thing that's this movie's saving grace is the side-characters and little fan-service moments, like referencing once again the in-universe Stab movies, having celebrity cameos for the Stab movies as well (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell).

These two nerds took the concept of being Twitch streamer
nerds and made it uncool five years before it became
mainstream cool.

Still... it's a worthy enough entry in the series, which is something to say about Scream 4. Even when I consider it the weakest entry in the series, it's still watchable and enjoyable. It isn't painful to sit through at all; it's still entertaining. So, while I don't favor it above the first three, or what comes after, it does still hold a candle and does the franchise justice. While I think some of the rules that were invented for this one seem lazy and recycled, at least to me, it's still ticking all the checkboxes of what makes a Scream movie great. That's all we need. Murders? Wes Craven? Neve Campbell? Courteney Cox? David Arquette? Roger L. Jackson? All here, all putting in effort. Man, the day Roger L. Jackson dies is the day Scream dies if you ask me.

If you're watching through Scream this Halloween season, make sure to give Scream 4 a try at least. Maybe you'll like it more than me. That's fine, but at least it's worth a watch! I give it a thumbs up... but just one.

As for the rest of our show for October this year, check in soon as we rapid fire our remaining posts for Halloween 2K23 at you! Stay tuned, my dudes and ladies. We're nearly to the spookiest day of the year!

HALLOWEEN 2K23: A Review of "Scream 3"

"Surprise Sidney. Are you surprised to see Ghostface again, Sidney? NO?! Well surpiiiiise anyway, Sidney."

Spookytober 2023 continues on! Welcome back. Dust off your five and dime "Father Death" costumes, we're rolling with the Scream series.

Today we take a look at Scream 3. Released in 2000, Scream 3 does the same old schtick of Neve Campbell's character Sidney Prescott, oddly enough, being stalked and nearly killed a few times by a person in a widely-manufactured, easily available "Ghostface" costume. Usually after she's been called on the phone and mocked and taunted a few times to the point of reducing her to tears. What kind of introduction to the movie is that, you might ask? Well, where this one differs from the previous two we've reviewed so far is that due to the April 1999 high school massacre at Columbine, violence in media was drastically toned down in a few places. Sure, some places like South Park and video games stayed lewd and crude, but other things? Like widely produced horror franchises? Yeah, they got hit hard.

Parker Posey's hair looks like it's trying to accomplish three
different styles all at the same time.

Therefore, Scream 3 to me is one of the weaker movies in the series and doesn't really act like a true "horror" movie. Comedy was favored in the screenplay and it's slapstick plays out on screen with Ghostface getting tossed around like a ragdoll and not really being all that frightening. Let's slice into Scream 3 shall we?

Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber), now the host of a successful talk show for some reason, is contacted by Ghostface (voiced by Roger L. Jackson), who demands to know the whereabouts of Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell). When Cotton refuses to cooperate, Ghostface breaks into his home and attacks his girlfriend Christine (Kelly Rutherford). Cotton rushes home, only for Ghostface to kill Christine, then Cotton. Detective Mark Kincaid contacts Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox-Arquette) to discuss the recent murders, prompting her to travel to Hollywood, where she finds Dewey Riley (David Arquette) working as an adviser on the set of Stab 3, the third film in the series based on the Ghostface murders. Ghostface kills Stab 3 actress Sarah Darling (Jenny McCarthy), causing production of the film to be halted. The remaining cast, along with Dewey and Gale, gather at the home of Jennifer Jolie (Parker Posey), the actress playing Gale in Stab 3. Ghostface murders her bodyguard and uses a gas leak to cause an explosion, which kills actor Tom Prinze (Matt Keeslar).

Sidney is living in seclusion as a crisis counselor for an abused women's hotline, fearing another killer may strike. Having uncovered Sidney's location, the killer begins taunting her by phone using a voice changer to sound like her deceased mother Maureen Prescott (Lynn McRee), forcing Sidney out of hiding and drawing her to Hollywood. Martha Meeks (Heather Matarazzo), the sister of Sidney's murdered friend Randy, visits Sidney and the others to deliver a videotape that Randy (Jamie Kennedy) made before his death, posthumously warning them the rules of a horror film do not apply to anyone in the third and final film of a trilogy and that any of them, including Sidney, could die. The new trilogy-ending rules are as follows:

"Seriously, Domino's; I'm getting sick of your shit!"

1. "You've got a killer who’s gonna be superhuman. Stabbing him won’t work, shooting him won’t work. Basically in the third one, you gotta cryogenically freeze his head, decapitate him, or blow him up."
2. "Anyone, including the main character, can die. This means you, Sid."
3. "The past will come back to bite you in the ass. Whatever you think you know about the past, forget it. The past is not at rest! Any sins you think were committed in the past are about to break out and destroy you."

Sidney is later attacked by Ghostface at a movie set, forcing the police to withhold her at their station. Dewey, Gale, Jennifer, and the remaining cast, Angelina (Emily Mortimer) and Tyson (Deon Richmond), attend a birthday party for Stab 3's director, Roman Bridger (Scott Foley). After Gale discovers Roman's body in the basement, Ghostface attacks the group, killing Angelina, Tyson and Jennifer. The killer then orders Sidney to the mansion to save Gale and Dewey. When Sidney arrives, Ghostface lures her inside to where Gale and Dewey are bound and gagged. As Sidney is freeing them, Ghostface appears, though Sidney gains the upper hand using a hidden gun to fight him off. Kincaid shows up but is knocked unconscious by Ghostface. Sidney flees and hides in a secret screening room where she is discovered by Ghostface, who reveals himself as Roman, having survived being shot by wearing a bulletproof vest.

Roman admits to being Sidney's half-brother, born to their mother Maureen when she was an actress in Hollywood. Four years prior, he had tried reuniting with her, only for her to reject him due to him being the product of rape. Bitter over the rejection, Roman began stalking her, filming all the men she philandered with and showing Billy Loomis (played in Scream by Skeet Ulrich) the footage of Billy's father with Maureen, which motivated Billy and Stu Macher (played in Scream by Matthew Lillard) to kill her, thus setting off the string of murders in Sidney's hometown and at her college. When he discovered how much fame Sidney had attracted due to those events, Roman snapped and lured Sidney out of hiding, planning to kill her and frame her for the murders. After Roman kills Stab producer John Milton (Lance Henriksen), whom he accuses of being his biological father and one of their mother's rapists, Sidney denounces him and his motives, provoking an enraged Roman to engage Sidney in a fight that ends when Roman shoots Sidney in the chest; however, Sidney survives the shot and stabs Roman multiple times, revealing to him that she, too, was wearing a bulletproof vest. As Dewey and Gale arrive, a screaming Roman suddenly resurfaces with a knife; Sidney yells at Dewey to shoot Roman in the head, which Dewey does, finally killing him.

LIVE LOOK IN: David Arquette and Courteney Cox
take their vows at their wedding.

Later at Sidney's house, Dewey proposes to Gale, who accepts. Sidney returns from a walk and leaves her gates, which were previously shown to be alarmed, open. She enters her home and is invited to join Dewey, Gale, and Kincaid to watch a movie. As she goes to join the others, her front door blows open behind her, but she walks away, leaving it as is.

...and so we come to the end of the Scream trilogy. A trilogy it would remain for many years indeed. Scream 3, if it stood as the end of a trilogy, would stand as a weaker ending to a trilogy, in my opinion. Thankfully the next three films occurred so this movie got bailed out. Take away the prospect of "ending a trilogy", Scream 3 is okay. It definitely suffers by not having Kevin Williamson in the writer's role as he wrote Scream and Scream 2. The Scream-esque tongue-twisting dialogue that also showcases a love for movies seems carbon-copy in this one, with that knowledge in mind. Only Kevin could really make those wordy "who talks like this?" dialogue exchanges seem fluent and natural. The classroom scene in Scream 2 comes to mind, for sure. Scream 3 is kind of devoid of those moments.

As mentioned, Scream 3 also suffers from a lack of genuine scares and horror. It's more of a mystery-thriller with a lot of comedy and some slapstick sprinkled in as well, making it less of a horror movie. It's a slasher movie for sure, but the idea of being scared by watching this movie is a lost idea. Scream had some spooky moments, Scream 2 was straight eerie a couple of times. Scream 3? Not so much. I get it though, right? Real life violence is much more horrifying than a horror movie, so the horror movie's always going to suffer. They even inserted some goofier cameos; Carrie Fisher cameos as a clerk who "almost got Princess Leia in Star Wars but lost it to the girl banging George Lucas"... ha ha. There was also a brief Miramax-stroking-themselves cameo of Jay and Silent Bob, played by Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Which goes hand in hand with Wes Craven's cameo writing/directing another Scream movie in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. I thought that was a nice, if not weird, insertion.

"Hey, what are you chewing on? Don't chew on that!
Give that to me."

The characters in Scream 3 were top tier though, at least in my view. In keeping with true Scream fashion, the main three characters Sidney, Gale, and Dewey play their roles just as you'd expect, and their brand-new side characters are entertaining, to say the least. One thing though is for some reason Courteney Cox picked a really bizarre hairstyle for this one. Almost like she buzzed her head and then got hair extensions for some reason. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BANGS, COURTENEY?! I also failed to mention in my Scream 2 review that I was happy Randy got the axe. In Scream, Randy was a relatable loser nerd I liked, but in Scream 2 he was an obnoxious dillhole and I was quite pleased to see him get got. His absence in Scream 3 was not missed by me, but they still had to shoe-horn him in with a "Oh by the way in case a third movie happens Randy recorded the trilogy-rules for us because we can't just write a new character or have of us boneheads figure it out". Ha. Sorry, unpopular opinion there.

To summarize, Scream 3 is okay. It doesn't hold a candle to Scream or Scream 2, but thankfully comes off better than what we get next. Wink, wink. Stay tuned, SPOOKYTOBER HALLOWEEN 2K23 continues soon!

HALLOWEEN 2K23: A Review of "Scream 2"

"How's the record coming, Ghostface?" "Do you wanna die, Gale?" "No, Ghostface, that's track 1."
"Oh, what's your favorite scary movie?" "Nope, track 3... we've done these already."

Happy Spook-tober, 2023. We ain't following a release schedule, my batty friends! Another eerie season in which to explore some fright films. Get your fake spider webs, carve your Jack-O-Lanterns, get your favorite door-hanging ghost or witch decorations, and let's enjoy the fall weather as the silent chill of a serial killer on the... hang on... *checks notes* Geez this intro is just rambling nonsense. Who wrote this?! *checks notes again* Oh wait, I did.

"Hello Domino's, is your fridge running?"
"Guys, we did this joke in the first movie's blog post."

Well... side-stepping that. Let's just review some horror movies for 2023, shall we?

In 2019, I was let go from a position and found myself in most of October unemployed, and I had done a pseudo-esque Halloween 2k19 series of reviews in all the boatloads of spare time I had (aside from job hunting, obviously), and one of those was of the 1996 slasher classic Scream. A movie that took the slasher genre, by then having become old, stale, and tired, and masterfully produced a new tale in terror that breathed new life into it. You can read my 2019 review of Scream here. Since I've already done that review, I figured I would spend Halloween 2K23 reviewing the now FIVE Scream sequels that have come out since. Starting with of course what we're here to review today. Scream was such a sure-fire hit to writer Kevin Williamson that the last five pages of his Scream screenplay (Screamplay, if you will, heyooooo plz hire me) were a pitch/small treatment for a Scream sequel, and sure enough... with Wes Craven's direction Scream was indeed a major hit, and I do mean a major hit. So today, we're here to review the following year's big slasher cash-in hit, Scream 2. Did Scream 2 hold up to Scream's success? Does it still to this day? Let's take a look!

Two Windsor College seniors, Maureen Evans (Oscar punchline Jada Pinkett) and Phil Stevens (Omar Epps), attend a sneak preview of "Stab", a film based on the events of the Woodsboro massacre. Oh cool, a movie within a movie. If they pull that off in a non-tacky way, it's pretty nifty. Briefly exiting the theater to use the bathroom, Phil is killed by the masked killer now known as Ghostface. Ghostface sits beside Maureen in Phil's place and stabs her repeatedly, unnoticed by the crowd, leading her to climb up on stage in a cry for help, which the audience mistakes for a publicity stunt until she falls dead.

"Look Gale, the killer left us a clue above the door. It says
'Exit'. Maybe we should bail out of here, ey?"
"Dewey, you bonehead!"

The news media, including local journalist Debbie Salt (Laurie Metcalf), descend on Windsor College where Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is a student alongside her roommate Hallie McDaniel (Elise Neal), her new boyfriend Derek Feldman (Jerry O'Connell), fellow Woodsboro survivor Randy Meeks (Jamie Kennedy) and Derek's best friend Mickey Altieri (Timothy Olyphant). Two other Woodsboro survivors arrive: police officer Dewey Riley (David Arquette) to offer Sidney protection, and reporter Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) to cover the case. Gale and her new cameraman, Joel Jones (Duane Martin), unsuccessfully try to stage a confrontation between Sidney and Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber), who is attempting to gain fame from his exoneration for the rape and murder of Sidney's mother, Maureen Prescott (not shown on screen).

That evening, Sidney and Hallie attend a party at the sorority house Delta Lambda Zeta. At Omega Beta Zeta, another nearby sorority house, Ghostface murders student Cici Cooper (vampire slayer Sarah Michelle Gellar). After the partygoers leave to witness Cici's crime scene, Ghostface enters Delta Lambda Zeta and attacks Sidney. Ghostface injures Derek but flees when the police arrive. Later, after realizing that Cici is a diminutive for Casey (played in Stab by Heather Graham), Gale theorizes that the new Ghostface is targeting students with the same names as the Woodsboro murder victims. Randy theorizes that the killer is likely someone Sidney knows and is patterning the killings after a movie sequel, even introducing a new set of rules.

1. The body count is always bigger
2. The death scenes are always much more elaborate, with more blood and gore.
3. If you want your films to become a successful franchise, never ever under any circumstances assume the killer is dead.

"Please put the gun down, Liev."
"But I didn't do it, I did not rape Neve's mother and kill her."
"IT'S JUST A MOVIE, LIEV. AND WE'RE NOT EVEN
TALKING ABOUT YOU!"

Soon after, Ghostface (voiced by Roger L. Jackson) calls Gale, Dewey, and Randy while they are together in daylight on the college campus. Despite their attempts to find him, Ghostface ultimately ambushes Randy, pulling him into Joel's media van, where he is murdered. Shortly after, Joel, fearing he will be targeted next, skips town. As night falls over the campus, Dewey and Gale go to a building to review tapes of footage shot by Joel, hoping to spot the killer in the vicinity of the previous crime scenes, but Ghostface attacks them, stabbing Dewey. Two officers drive Sidney and Hallie to a safe house, but Ghostface intercepts the car and murders them. In the ensuing struggle, Ghostface is knocked unconscious, but recovers and kills Hallie. Drawn to music playing in the campus theatre while seeking safety, Sidney finds Derek in the auditorium tied to a cross from an earlier fraternity hazing ritual. Ghostface arrives, revealing himself as Mickey, and shoots Derek, killing him.

Mickey reveals he intends to kill Sidney and allow himself to be arrested, so he can blame movie violence for the murders at his trial. Shortly after, Debbie arrives holding Gale at gunpoint and is revealed to be Mickey's accomplice, whom Sidney recognizes as Nancy Loomis, the mother of Billy Loomis (played in Scream by Skeet Ulrich). Nancy betrays Mickey and shoots him, affirming that she only used Mickey to frame him for their killing spree. Mickey fires his gun before collapsing, wounding Gale, and she falls offstage. Nancy reveals that she is seeking revenge against Sidney for killing Billy; Nancy also reveals she killed Randy in Joel's news van for criticizing Billy. However, Sidney points out the hypocrisy of her motives, considering that Nancy's abandonment fueled her son's psychotic tendencies. The pair fight until Cotton appears and holds them at gunpoint. Nancy attempts to manipulate Cotton into murdering Sidney, reminding him that her testimony got him arrested, but to her shock, he instead chooses to shoot Nancy in exchange for an interview with Sidney and Diane Sawyer. As Sidney, Cotton, and a recovered Gale look at Nancy's body, Mickey suddenly resurfaces but is killed by Gale and Sidney. Sidney then shoots Nancy in the head to ensure she is dead.

When the police arrive, Dewey is revealed to still be alive and Gale climbs into the ambulance with him rather than taking the opportunity to report to the returning Joel. Sidney then instructs the press to direct questions to Cotton to remove attention from herself and reward Cotton for helping her.

"Remember, we're college students. Blend in."
"Randy, you look like the twenty-five year old that dates and
parties with teenagers. YOU BLEND IN."

That is Scream 2. It's one of those movies that's more of an equal than just a sequel, in terms of quality. It does a fine job of living up to its predecessor while also being a solid freakin' movie. The dialogue is just as gripping as the first movie, the characters are just as entertaining, and the kills are indeed more gruesome per the rules Randy lays out. I like the twists at the end of this one, making Laurie Metcalf the murderer was a hilarious yet eerie surprise. She's got those crazy eyes and the acting was just so over-the-top that it belonged in a Scream movie. Neve Campbell even lays it all out in her mid-cry face just like the previous film. It really is a carbon-copy of the first movie in the best way. Like how some sequels are just the first ones over again (Looking at you Avatar: The Way of Water), this one is as well, but that's what it was supposed to be.

Being a Scream movie means that the movie is so self-aware in how it was made that there's so many in-jokes. When Randy is delivering the third rule about how to make sure your horror movie franchise is successful, he gets cut-off. The lack of a third rule in the film's final cut was a deliberate in-joke by the crew, referencing the fact that it is impossible to ensure that a horror franchise will be successful. On top of that, when we first see Sidney in the opening, she receives and answers a call and uses caller ID to determine whoever is calling her is not Ghostface. This is another in-joke/reference that since the release of Scream, the sales of caller ID landline phones in real life skyrocketed since people all of a sudden at the time stopped liking the idea that random strangers could call them and toy with them before killing them without really knowing who they were talking to, lol. Witty yet self-aware writing and filmmaking. Well done!

"I can't believe Ghostface is back!"
"I can't believe you got Jennifer Aniston's hairdo for this."

One fascinating fact is that this movie is notable for suffering one of the first major film leaks ever. One of the extras leaked the script to the internet, like a total dick or bitch. I mean seriously, who does that? As a result, the script was almost entirely re-written, with pages often being completed the day they were to be filmed. Security was tightened, with everyone required to sign non-disclosure agreements, and underwent many re-shoots. The script was reprinted on specialty paper to prevent photocopying, and was often destroyed after use. Additionally, Mickey was killed by the two Ghostfaces in the original script. Let this be a lesson that if you ever get a role in a Scream sequel, and you're just an extra, don't take your ire out by leaking the script on the internet and ruining it for everybody ya killjoy.

You can't watch/enjoy Scream this Halloween season without watching Scream 2. Make sure to add it to your watch list and enjoy the thrill ride!

A Review of "Spider-Man 3"

"Woah, Spider-Man... you're black, now? Cool!" "I have been, you clod! Just check out 'Miles Morales'."
"I was referring to your costume...!"

Happy Friday to all my faithful followers! All thr--two--one.. well whoever happens to stumble across this blog on a web search or just by clicking a link that was valid in 2008 but now a complete security risk to your web browser in 2023.

"Hey! You're Topher Grace!"
"Yes, thank you, I can sign--"
"You're the son of a bitch that paved the way for Randy
on That 70's Show! FUCK YOU!"

Well with Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2, two of the greatest superhero movies ever made under our belt, it's time to continue with the Raimi saga. What tale of triumph and success are we about to tout today? What marvelous grand filmmaking are we about to showcase? What compelling, emotionally driven narrative are we going to share and rejoice with you over? Well... Spider-Man 3 is none of those things so definitely that. Yes, Spider-Man 3... fast forward to 2007... came out and I was just as excited with this movie as I ever have been with the previous two. Not only was Sandman going to be the villain, but VENOM... a fan-favorite and one of mine as well... was going to be. This was RIPE for AWESOMENESS. The teaser poster of Eddie getting enveloped by the symbiote was all I needed to suck me in. I was ready for another go-round at the Raimi verse of Spider-Man.

...and what we got was the biggest clusterfuck of storytelling imaginable. It was like six screenplays shuffled into one with important bits and non-important bits cut out, mish-mashed and presented as a movie. There are glaring plot holes, lazy story decisions, and minimalistic use of their main marquee villain attractions that was quite-honestly shoe-horned into the movie. Let's dig into Spider-Man 3, begrudgingly.

"Hey I can't kiss you, my girlfriend Mary Jane is in the
audience!" "But Mary Jane is dating Peter Parker!" "Ope, I
mean... kiss me, blonde lady."

Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) plans to propose to Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), who has made her Broadway musical debut. In Central Park, a meteorite lands near the two, and an extraterrestrial black jelly alien thing... "symbiote" to us comic book nerds... follows Peter to his apartment by attaching to his motorbike. Harry Osborn (James Franco), knowing Peter is Spider-Man, seeks to avenge his father Norman's (Willem Dafoe) death. Using Norman's performance-enhancing gas and Green Goblin technology, he battles Peter to an eventual stalemate, developing partial amnesia. How convenient! Meanwhile, police pursue escaped convict Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church), who visits his wife and sick daughter (Theresa Russell and Perla Haney-Jardine) before fleeing. Falling into an experimental particle accelerator that fuses his body with the surrounding sand, he gains the ability to control and reform his body with sand, becoming Sandman. Does he call himself Sandman? No. Does anybody call him Sandman? I don't remember, a newspaper might? I think the hokey news anchor at the end does.

During a festival honoring Spider-Man for saving Gwen Stacy's (Bryce Dallas Howard) life, Peter kisses her to please the crowd, angering Mary Jane... rightfully so, dumbass move on Peter's part. Marko then robs an armored truck and escapes after defeating Spider-Man. NYPD Captain George Stacy (James Cromwell), Gwen's father, informs Peter and his aunt May (Rosemary Harris) that Marko is uncle Ben's (Cliff Robertson) true killer; the deceased Dennis Carradine (Michael Papajohn) was Marko's accomplice. At the apartment, the symbiote assimilates the Spider-Man suit as Peter sleeps in it while waiting for Marko to come out of hiding. Peter awakens on top of a building, discovering that the symbiote has colored his suit black and enhanced his powers; however, it also brings out aggressive traits of his personality.

"My name is Thomas Haden Church. I'm going to
play Flint Marko like I'm depressed but also
over everyone's shit at the same time. Sound good?"

Peter locates and battles Marko in a subway tunnel. Discovering that water is his weakness, he opens a pipe, releasing water that reduces Marko to mud and washes him away in a sewer. Peter's changed demeanor alienates Mary Jane, who also receives negative reviews from critics. She shares a tender moment with Harry but leaves in regret. Urged by a hallucination of his father, Harry recovers from his amnesia and forces Mary Jane to break up with Peter. Harry later meets up with Peter and tells him that Mary Jane loves him. Under the symbiote's influence, Emo Peter confronts Harry and spitefully says his father never loved him. As Emo Peter leaves after an ensuing fight, Harry throws a pumpkin bomb at him, but the former deflects it back, scorching the latter's face. Wow what a douche... Emo Peter's a douche!

At the Daily Bugle, Emo Peter exposes rival photographer Eddie Brock ("Forman" himself, Topher Grace), whose fake photos incriminate Spider-Man. Publisher J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) fires Brock and promotes Emo Peter to staff photographer. Later, Peter brings Gwen to a jazz club where Mary Jane now works. In an attempt to make her jealous, Emo Peter interrupts Mary Jane's performance and dances with Gwen in front of her. Upon realizing Emo Peter's true intentions, Gwen apologizes to Mary Jane and leaves. After assaulting the bouncers and accidentally hitting Mary Jane, Emo Peter realizes that the symbiote is corrupting him. Retreating to a church's bell tower and discovering that the sounds of clanging metal weaken the creature, Emo Peter rips the symbiote from his body. Brock is at the same church and becomes the symbiote's new host.... thus ending the popular internet meme of "Emo Peter".

"Hey, Spidey! Your face is showing... like your DICK!"
"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, PUNK!"

As Venom... or I'm sorry, I never mentioned that. As "Venom", Brock locates a still-living Marko and convinces him to join forces to kill Spider-Man. Ah, the age-old villains needing to join forces to beat one guy. Brock abducts Mary Jane and holds her captive from a web at a construction site, intending to kill her in revenge for Peter ruining him, while Marko keeps the police at bay. After Harry declines to help Peter, Harry's butler (John Paxton) reveals that Norman's death was not Spider-Man's fault... why he took three movies to say that is beyond me. Pretty sure Harry's budding alcoholism in the last movie could've been thwarted by Bernard having a sit down. While Brock and Marko pin Peter down, Harry arrives to help Peter and save Mary Jane. Brock attempts to impale Peter with Harry's glider, but Harry jumps in and is impaled instead. While remembering the symbiote's weakness, Peter assembles a perimeter of metal pipes to create a sonic attack, weakening it and allowing Peter to separate Brock from the symbiote.

Peter activates a pumpkin bomb and throws it at the host-less symbiote. Having become addicted to its influence, Brock attempts to save the symbiote, and both are vaporized in the blast. Thanks for coming, "Venom". Can I call you Venom? I don't know; you didn't even call you Venom. Marko shows up and explains that Ben's death was an accident that has haunted him and that everything he has done was to help his daughter; Peter forgives Marko, allowing him to escape. Peter and Harry reconcile before the latter dies from his injuries. Sometime after Harry's funeral, Peter visits Mary Jane at the jazz club, where they embrace and share a dance...

...and so ends Spider-Man 3. Quite honestly the one that has lasted the longest in the hearts of millions in terms of nostalgia, simply for the memes. So how does Spider-Man 3, this third entry into the Raimi-verse of "Spider-Man" hold up?

"I have the tasty desire for human flesh but I also
have the tasty desire for whoever I smell that's
SMOKING RIBS."

Well to put it simply, it depends on if you watch the movie ironically versus unironically. If you watch it wanting a true-to-form, action-packed, heartwarming, tear-jerking, emotional rollercoaster superhero thrill-ride like you got with the previous two movies, this movie will not work. If you watch it with a more light-hearted, laidback, no cares, "it be like that sometimes", laughable mood attitude... this movie is at the very least entertaining. To put it in my terms from my point of view; by May 2007 I had two really cool Spider-Man movies in my DVD collection and was so excited for the third one, and this one was the first one that I walked out of the theater not quite as enamored as I was following the previous two movies. Quite frankly, I was disappointed.

I thought even at fourteen that the movie was just plain silly. I didn't get to being annoyed with its actual filmmaking inadequacies until I was older, took film electives in college and understood filmmaking a little better. But at FOURTEEN on the cusp of being angsty and emotional as I ride the broken-minecart-rail ride of puberty, I thought Spider-Man 3 was just silly and cheesy. It almost glass-shattered the illusion of the previous two movies for me right then about how hokey some elements of those were. Obviously now being THIRTY I totally get 1 and 2 were hokey and campy, but back then I thought 3 was the outlier. Tobey's at his Tobey-est with his facial expressions, some of his line deliveries... *sigh* and yes the Emo Peter performance. The dancing, the rawr comb-down he does that basically screams MYSPACE RAZR PHONE MIRROR SELFIE... the asshole-tomfoolery of his persona; just irked me so badly then; now it's at least cringingly entertaining in a meme'ingful way. Kirsten Dunst didn't really have anything to do other than mope around, whine about Peter, and somehow end up being the damsel in distress AGAIN. Dear God just move away from New York, lady.

Some characters I did like were the inclusion of Gwen Stacy, Bryce Dallas Howard I thought was a very honorable and lovable portrayal of her. She just wanted in Peter's pants but when Emo Peter was like "Yo I'm using you to make red jealous" Gwen was like "Beat it, bozo!"... except I don't think we saw Gwen in literally the rest of the movie but eh, c'est la vie. I also liked Sandman, THC (heh didn't realize those were his initials) did a great job portraying the moral dilemma in what Marko was doing and showed him to be a tragic character more than just a straight-up villain, same as Molina's Octavius in the previous film. Both men, unlike Dafoe's Goblin, had epiphanies at the end and realized their own desires and goals were costing them dearly and set about to make things right. I liked that in 2 and 3 is no exception. Same with Harry... as the Hob, or I guess, "New" Goblin. Even if he was a bit of a whiner homewrecker pretty-boy in the movie, still liked seeing him show redemption in the end... BUT IT'S NO SECRET that "Venom" (again they never even call him that in the movie)... got the shaft. Raimi would say in later years and maintains to this day Venom was not going to be in the movie and that he didn't like Venom as a character. Avi Arad, producer of this trilogy, pushed hard for Venom to be included, and it's in this inclusion we see the shoe-horning of the script start to throw the pacing of the story-telling all out of whack.

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't include one of these.

I liked Venom's new look, but I hated his screentime, his character, his performance, and ultimately the casting choice. Forman from That 70's Show doesn't scream "vengeful Eddie Brock" to me. Really Eddie Brock should've been a character they set up in the first movie, which would have made his downfall ten-times more tragic if you ask me. Here it just seems like "I fucked up, and Emo Myspace boy pointed it out, somebody help me" so the symbiote was like "B'ok let's kill the moper" and boom, there's Venom. Or I'm sorry... "Venom".

Spider-Man 3, I hate to say it, is one I can do without. Whenever I do a new watch through of the series, I get to the end of 2 and then have a moral conundrum on whether or not I want to go through with watching 3 or just leave it alone and remember the saga for what it could've been. Stuck with a bloated runtime having to encompass all these characters' and their storylines, the grievous misuse of Venom, recycling Mary Jane's damsel-in-distress schtick, Emo Peter, the Goblin's amnesia arc, the increasingly campy and hokey character portrayals, and an all-in-all "checked out" attitude by director Sam Raimi because of all the issues... Spider-Man 3 is the lackluster nail in the coffin for the Raimiverse, in my opinion.

Well, I'd love to keep going, but it's two days until OCTOBER, and that means Cody's Halloween 2k23 spectacular is upon us! Stay fresh, cheesebags!

A Review of "Spider-Man 2"

"Hurry Pete! Take down Doctor Octopus!"
"Hey Mary Jane... what building are sitting on top of right now to have a view like this?"

Happy Friday fellow summer-enjoyers, for today FALL is upon us. Autumn leaves, football, hoodies, horror movies; nuts to Christmas, this is the best time of the year. Oh by golly have a scary merry AUTUMN this year! I don't know, I'm a blogger not a songwriter.

"Ok, Pete. Don't think about MJ... don't think about
MJ... don't think about MJ."

Last week we touched upon one of my absolute favorite movies of all time. Sam Raimi's immortal superhero flick Spider-Man. When I saw that in theaters in May of '02, I didn't think it could get any better than that. When I left that theater I wanted to be Spider-Man. That's how much I vibed with that movie, and continue to. I wanted more! I wanted another story! I wanted more stories IN THIS UNIVERSE... well ENOUGH about that movie though, at last. It's time to fast forward in my life to the year 2004. The summer of 2004, and at long last... my dreams and wishes came true. Sam Raimi delivered a second entry in his Spidey saga, this is 2004's Spider-Man 2. Back is Tobey, back is Kirsten, back is James Franco before everyone realized what a creep he is... does this sequel surpass the original? Does it stand tall? Proud? TRIUMPHANT? Well... in the words of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin... OH HELL YEAH. Let's take a look.

Two years after becoming Spider-Man in... well... Spider-Man, Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is estranged from both his love interest Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) and his best friend, Harry Osborn (James Franco), and discovers that his Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) is facing eviction. He finds himself suffering temporary but recurring losses of his powers, often in life-threatening situations. Harry, who is now head of OsCorp's genetic and scientific research division, is sponsoring a fusion power project by nuclear scientist Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina), who befriends and mentors Peter. While handling hazardous materials, Octavius wears a harness of powerful mechanical tentacles with artificial intelligence. During a public demonstration that Peter and Harry attend, a power spike causes the fusion reactor to destabilize. Octavius refuses to shut down the reactor, which goes critical, killing his wife and burning the inhibitor chip blocking the arms from his nervous system. As Spider-Man, Peter manages to shut the experiment down. At a hospital, doctors prepare to surgically remove Octavius' harness. Without the inhibitor chip, and in one of the scariest yet raddest scenes in a superhero movie... and a straight invention of Sam Raimi... the tentacles become sentient and defend themselves by killing the doctors. Afterward, Octavius takes refuge at a harbor. Now corrupted by the arms' A.I., he decides to re-try his experiment and robs a bank to fund it. The Daily Bugle dubs the scientist "Doctor Octopus".

"What is happening to me? My hands don't make
the sticky goop I hang from anymore... oh... oh...
OH GOD AM I LAME AGAIN?!"

Mary Jane becomes engaged to astronaut John Jameson (Daniel Gillies), the son of Bugle editor J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons)... rather quickly I'm alarmed. Peter suffers an emotional breakdown over his inability to balance his life, with the stress stripping him of his powers as a result. He quits being Spider-Man, returns to his normal life, and attempts to reconcile with Mary Jane. He also finally confesses to Aunt May the truth about Uncle Ben's (Cliff Robertson) death. Aunt May forgives him, but the rise in the city's crime rates worries Peter. Meanwhile, requiring the isotope tritium to fuel his reactor, Octavius visits Harry to demand it, threatening to kill him if he does not comply. Harry agrees in exchange for Spider-Man, whom he still believes is responsible for his father Norman's (Willem Dafoe) death. He tells Octavius to seek Peter out, whom Harry believes is friends with Spider-Man, but tells him to not harm Peter. Octavius locates Peter, tells him to find Spider-Man, and captures Mary Jane. Her endangerment leads to Peter's powers returning, and he goes after Octavius.

As they battle, they fall onto a New York City Subway train. Octavius sabotages it and leaves Peter to save the derailing train, which he does at a great physical toll. Octavius captures the now-weakened Peter and delivers him to Harry. Harry prepares to kill Spider-Man, only to be shocked to see Peter under the mask. Something I'm seriously wondering how he didn't see it sooner... Peter convinces Harry to put their conflict aside and direct him to Octavius' lair... yet, I always wondered how Harry knew where Otto's lair was. Kind of a plot hole if you ask me. They battle again as the nuclear reaction starts threatening the city. Peter reveals his identity and persuades Octavius to let his dream go for the greater good. Octavius commands the tentacles to obey him and sacrifices himself to destroy the experiment. Mary Jane sees Peter's true identity, which he says is why they cannot be together.

"Mr. Aziz... do you think maybe you can loan me
that CD that has the Spider-Man 2: The Video Game
pizza theme music?"

Meanwhile, Harry is visited by a vision of his father in a mirror, pleading for Harry to avenge his death, but Harry refuses to hurt Peter. Enraged, Harry shatters the mirror, inadvertently revealing a secret room containing his father's Green Goblin equipment... setting up Harry's run as the new Goblin. On her wedding day, Mary Jane abandons John at the altar and runs to Peter's apartment in her wedding dress. After they kiss, they hear police sirens, and Mary Jane encourages him to go help as Spider-Man... an ending that feels wholesome and complete until the last shot settles in Mary Jane going "What have I done?"... kind of torpedoes the ending if you ask me.

That's Spider-Man 2 in a nutshell. First off, while the first movie resonates more with me in terms of nostalgia and reminding me of that time of my childhood, this one is a superior movie. Like Terminator 2 and Aliens before it, this movie is a rare example where the sequel surpasses the original. Spider-Man 2 is a solid, solid flick. In terms of action, it has a few really great fight scenes. The end battle on the subway train is incredible to behold still. It's triumphant in scale, and a nailbiter in suspense. The battle in the bank is equally impressive... but seeing as how it's the middle of the movie it couldn't match up to the end battle in scale. Still a lot of fun though. 

"...and that's why gummi worms make me sad, I think."
"Peter, I asked how long you've been Spider-Man–"

Where this movie surpasses the original truly is in its story. It tells the perfect Spider-Man story. Peter struggles emotionally and mentally with the stress of balancing his superhero life with his home life. It damages his friendships, his relationships, his work life, his school life; it shows the perfect drama about being Spider-Man at such a young age. It's exactly the backbone of the character that Stan Lee envisioned. I used to watch the two-disc DVD features of the first movie repeatedly, as I mentioned, and there's a documentary on there about the creation of Spider-Man, and Stan Lee always said "One of the first things I wanted Spider-Man to have is a lot of problems". This movie captures that perfectly. Not only that... but on the villain's side of the emotional battle as well.

Alfred Molina's rendition of Doctor Octopus in this movie is perfect, and once again fits into Raimi's universe quite poetically. The other side of the movie's emotional narrative is Doc Ock's failure as a scientist, the loss of his wife, and coming to terms with what he's become by the end of the movie. His ego fuels his drive which fights his reasoning and his love for those around him. It's the cold, harsh reality his tragedy brings him to that he must face or come to terms with. The trauma of loss and failure makes him a super villain, and it's a wonderful representation for "fear of failure" in my opinion. I absolutely love this movie's rendition of Doc Ock, it's perfect. Right up there on the pedestal with Dafoe's Goblin in this cartoony-yet-grounded universe we're in now. I dig it.

"Alright... hand over the Parker boy, and sir, I'll
take your Dunkin' Iced coffee as well... and nobody
gets hurt!"

One thing of note, a small criticism that I personally have, not sure if others share this or not. I enjoyed the first movie's suit more than this one. That one felt more "movie-esque" like the same, but different, you know what I mean? This one is a little too perfect, vibrant, colorful. The blue and red are richer, and the front spider emblem is too commanding. The back emblem took a back-step too, in my opinion. I prefer the first movie's suit to this one.

Another thing I want to briefly touch upon is the tie-in video game that came with it. Like its predecessor, Spider-Man 2 had a definitively awesome video game that released alongside it. It was open-world, sprawling, organically presented; I still love that video game. The only funny thing is it didn't feel like it was supposed to tie in to the movie. It felt like it was going to be its own game before Sam Raimi or Columbia or whoever was responsible came forward and said "No no, stick in my actors and principal characters, we're tying these suckers together." Def recommend the game on a virtual console or old Gamecube if you get a chance.

With Danny Elfman back as the composer, Sam Raimi back as director, and the main principal cast members back as well, Spider-Man 2 perfectly carries forward the narrative set in motion by Spider-Man. A solid one-two punch, and to many, Spider-Man 2 still stands tall as the quintessential Spider-Man movie. Even with all the ones we've gotten afterwards up until now, people still talk about Spider-Man 2. Even more so than Spider-Man. With it's emotional story, it's compelling action scenes, it's monumental leaps in character development, it's perfect continuation and construction of the Raimi-verse... Spider-Man 2 is the masterful second punch in the one-two punch of movie going experience. Recommended wholeheartedly. Go check it out if you haven't.

A Review of "Spider-Man" (2002)

I'll bet if Tobey Maguire tried to contort his body like Todd MacFarlane used to draw Spider-Man's poses he'd rip every
ligament and tendon out of socket in a heartbeat.

Happy Friday! Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. OH BOY! Do I have a treat for us prior to Halloween 2K23! (Details on that coming probably right at the start of October. I'm usually last-minute minded like that).

"Spider-Man! I can't climb down! It's too far!"
"Look lady I would really appreciate if you could because
I currently have the egregious need to SHIT!!"

Back in "the day"... "the day" being "a simpler time when fifteen or twenty superhero movies weren't crapped into movie theaters every year, one daisy-chained to the next and requiring oodles of your time to even comprehend references, much less plot points"... superhero movies were box-office wild cards. They could either succeed! (i.e. Blade, X-Men) or bomb terribly (i.e. The Phantom, Batman & Robin). Sure we have superhero movies that bomb nowadays... but those pesky Marvel neckbeards will explain away flaws and lazy filmmaking with "Martin Scorsese sucks" or something. I don't know, just watch Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and you'll get what I mean.

My point is that back then, believe it or not, special care had to be taken with each entry, and each had to dazzle audiences to even warrant the making of a sequel. Nowadays, a superhero movie has two sequels, an eight-episode TV miniseries, and an event in fucking Fortnite planned and even in-progress before it's even released to theaters. I blame Marvel for all this autofellatio of one's own intellectual properties, but ironically Marvel is also responsible for today's entry. Ranked as my seventeenth favorite movie back in the day here, and one I tout about endlessly when superhero movies get brought up in casual conversation... this is Sam Raimi's post 9/11 happy pill to the American people, 2002's Spider-Man. Starring that nerd from Pleasantville, that chick from Bring It On, the vampire from, well, Shadow of the Vampire, and the brown-haired idiot from everything Seth Rogen's been in... Spider-Man kind of took cinemas by storm. It was a major, MAJOR hit when it came out, almost reaching unexpected levels. People fell in love with heroic story arc, the imagery, the love story, the accurate (mostly) take on the source material... it was quite a cornerstone of pop culture superhero cinema.

... but that was twenty-one (barf) years ago. Does it even hold up with eeeeeverything that has come since? Surely there are some Spider-Man things that have come out since then that it pales in comparison to? Let's do the synopsis, and then I'll give you my own retrospective and honest thoughts, both as a boy in 2002, and as an adult in 2023.

"Now feel the wrath of the Green Goblin!"
"All I feel is the your monumental codpiece slippin' between
the cheeks, man!"

The origin story of Spider-Man is no secret to anyone. In fact it's often meme'd that this is one of the most well-known origin stories because from 2002 to 2023, the Spider-Man film franchise has been rebooted three times. That's an average of a new take on the character every seven years. Never fear; I'll still walk through the synopsis like we don't even know who Spider-Man is, and then we'll continue. The movie opens after a triumphant opening credits sequence... another thing in movies that has gone the way of the Dodo bird... on a school trip, a high school senior named Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) visits a Columbia University genetics laboratory with his friend Harry Osborn (James Franco) and his love interest Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst). There, a genetically engineered "super-spider" bites him, and he falls ill upon returning home. Meanwhile, Harry's father Norman Osborn (Willem Dafoe), a scientist and the founder and owner of OsCorp, tries to secure an important military contract. He experiments on himself with an unstable performance-enhancing chemical and goes insane, killing his assistant Dr. Strom (Ron Perkins) in the process... man what a dick.

The next day, Peter finds he is no longer near-sighted and has developed spider-like abilities: he can shoot webs out of his wrists... yes without web shooters OH THE HORROR... and has quick reflexes, superhuman speed and strength, and a heightened ability to sense danger. Brushing off his Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson)'s advice that "with great power comes great responsibility", Peter considers buying a car to impress Mary Jane. He enters an underground wrestling event to win the money for it and wins his first match against the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE HOOOOO YEAH SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!... but is cheated out of his earnings. After Ben is carjacked and killed moments later, Peter pursues the carjacker, only to find out it was a thief he let escape. He doesn't get a name 'til the third movie, so for now I will call him "Thiefy McStealthings" (Michael Papajohn). Thiefy attempts to flee but dies after falling out a window. R.I.P. Mr. McStealthings. Meanwhile, a crazed Norman interrupts a product test by OsCorp's rival Quest Aerospace and kills several people. The... monumental dick.

"Damn, Aunt May's going to know I'm
Spider-Man when she sees this stain on here.
Who else enjoys McDonalds' tangy BBQ
sauce?!"

Upon graduating high school, Peter begins using his abilities to fight injustice, donning a spandex costume and the masked persona of "Spider-Man". J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons... yes, yes all hail the King), publisher of the Daily Bugle newspaper, hires Peter as a freelance photographer, since he is the only person providing clear images of Spider-Man. You know, quick sidebar: everyone likes to argue that Superman wearing glasses is a lazy disguise that everyone should pick up on... but I'll argue that Peter Parker coming forward as the only photographer that can conveniently take pictures of Spider-Man when nobody knew who he was prior... is an equally lazy disguise. BOOM. This wouldn't be a Spider-Man movie review without some hot takes.

Anywho, upon discovering that OsCorp's board plans to oust him to sell the company to Quest, Norman assassinates them. Jameson dubs the mysterious killer the "Green Goblin." The Goblin offers Peter a place at his side, but he refuses. They fight, and Peter is wounded. At Thanksgiving dinner, Peter's Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) invites Mary Jane, Harry, and Norman. During the dinner, Norman sees the wound he wounded Peter's wound with earlier... try saying that five times fast... and realizes Peter's identity. Thinking the only way to defeat Peter is to attack those special to him, Norman later attacks May, forcing her to be hospitalized. While visiting Aunt May at the hospital, Mary Jane admits her infatuation with Spider-Man, who has rescued her on two occasions. Harry, who is dating Mary Jane, sees her holding Peter's hand and assumes she has feelings for him. That's a... pretty easy deduction to make, Harry. Not going to lie. Devastated, Harry tells his father that Peter loves Mary Jane, unknowingly revealing Spider-Man's biggest weakness.

"You know, I'm something of a captioned screenshot in a
blog, myself."

Norman holds Mary Jane and a Roosevelt Island Tram car full of children hostage alongside the Queensboro Bridge. In the climactic final battle, the Goblin forces Spider-Man to choose whom he wants to save and drops them both. Peter saves both Mary Jane and the tram car. Norman then throws him into a nearby abandoned building and brutally beats him, in a fight scene that is still to this day equally as savage as it is brutal, and something very little Spider-Man media has been able to match. Hail to the Evil Dead man himself, Sam Raimi for not shunning away from the brutality. Peter gains the upper hand, and Norman reveals himself and begs for forgiveness while subtly getting his glider ready to impale Peter from behind... the, the outright EVIL and MALICIOUS DICK. Warned by his spider-sense, Peter dodges the attack, and the glider impales Norman instead... ending his life just after the often-memed utterance of "Oh." Norman tells Peter not to reveal his identity as the Goblin to Harry before dying. Peter takes Norman's body to the Osborn house and is confronted by Harry, who pulls a gun on him, but Peter escapes.

At Norman's funeral, Harry swears vengeance on Spider-Man, whom he falsely holds responsible for his father's death. Mary Jane confesses to Peter that she loves him. Peter, however, feels he must protect her from the unwanted attention of his enemies, so he hides his true feelings and calmly but sadly puts M.J.'s ass in the friend zone. As Peter leaves, he recalls Ben's words and accepts his new responsibility as Spider-Man before a triumphant, movie-ending swing to Danny Elfman's epic score cues up my nine-year-old-ass's demand for Spider-Man 2 right there on the spot.

Do you or a loved one suffer from too many pumpkin bomb
explosives to the face? If so, you could be entitled to a
large cash settlement.

... and that was the first cinematic foray into Spider-Man, Marvel's web-slinging pop-culture icon. Let me just get this out of the way now. I still worship this movie. I know, I know; that was predictable. Like I not only love this movie, I still worship it. I WILL admit though, I must; a lot of it is my unwillingness to surrender one of the happiest times of my childhood. I mean when I say "this movie changed me", I mean that's huge. I can't say that about a lot of movies. Very few actually. Think inwardly; how many movies can you say changed you? When I got out of school on that Friday, May 3rd, 2002, and my dad took me and my brother to see Spider-Man at THEATER NAME in the town of TOWN NAME, STATE NAME... I mean I walked out of that theater a completely different kid. I thought this movie was bad. ass. I fell in love with pretty much everything about it. I loved the cinematography, the action, the design, the story, Kirsten Dunst; I mean I was like "Holy schmoly this movie ROCKS!!!" Before this movie, Spider-Man to me was a fun Nintendo 64 game, a Fox Kids TV show, and a comic book series. AFTER this movie, my life became Spider-Man.

I had the Spider-Man movie storybook, I had the soundtrack that came out in support of the movie with that Chad Kroeger song everybody probably memes nowadays, I got the 2-disc DVD and pretty much memorized every special feature on it, watched every documentary, saw the blooper reels and deleted scenes countless times, watched every facet of every clip of every show on how this movie was made and most of all... I had the Treyarch movie tie-in video game that I played through I can't even begin to count how many times. This movie was and still is a large part of a nostalgia-laden reminiscence into my youth.

"Uh... Kirsten? Kirsten do we... do we need to turn the
heat up in here? Get you a coat or something?"

Usually I end the blog post with my final thoughts, a la Jerry Springer, but I think we can both agree that it goes without saying about what I think about the movie itself, I still think it's badass and I still get a supreme level of joy out of watching it. I'll pop it in once a year just to enjoy the ride start to finish and at the end credits, when "Hero" is playing... I'm ear-to-ear. BUT look I know, this isn't a Cody's nostalgia blog and nostalgia can't protect anything, nor should it... I have to remember this is an honest-to-God movie review blog, so how I must do my job and give an honest critique about how I feel it has been impacted by what's come after it. Does it still hold up? In comparison to more recent Spider-Man media? I would say "yes" HOWEVER... however... because of the time it was made, the effects, the storytelling choices, and the heavy heavy post-9/11 American unity and camaraderie imagery sprinkled throughout (lookin' at you "mess with one of us, mess with all of us" moment on the bridge), I must say it seems a bit... dated. While I, again, worship this movie, I must say it is not without it's flaws. Whether they were there in the beginning and just became more noticeable over time, or just suffers by what later movies did better by comparison; Spider-Man still is a movie, and there is no such thing as a perfect movie.

The movie is campy by today's standards. It's definitely overacted, Willem Dafoe hams the shit out of his screentime as the Goblin persona. I think it's the right amount of Batman '66 mixed with genuine horror, but some people will disagree and I respect that, and can see it. J.K. Simmons is a hammy oaf too, but we all know his performance ended up playing right into what we wanted and needed for the live-action J. Jonah Jameson character. So much so that the MCU didn't even bother re-casting the role, they just made him Jameson again. They knew it wasn't going to be beat. He's up there with Christopher Reeve as Superman and Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man... just spot on superhero casting you're not going to top. There's also the thing that movies back then used to do that movies today don't seem to that is glaring... and that is casting actors in their 30s to play high schoolers. Pretty glaring in the school scenes, when Flash Thompson looks like a guy going on thirty-four beating up on Tobey Maguire who looked fifteen.

I'll bet this is how J.K. Simmons showed up to the audition.
Just leaned in the doorway in full wardrobe like "I'm here to
fuck your shit up".

I also must point out that the story's overall narrative seems just a teeny-bit "simple". Nerd gets bullied, nerd becomes hero, hero saves girl, hero beats up bad guy, movie ends. Again, I still love sitting through it, but yeah, even I notice. Hold up, I think Brendan Fraser summed it up best in The Mummy which we should review sometime: "Rescue the damsel-in-distress, kill the bad guy, save the world". Done and done, and nothing too fancy tossed in there. I admire it for its simplicity which allows it to focus on some of the other aspects such as the romance and the action, but some people, namely stupid kids nowadays will balk at the straightforward "A to B to C" story structure.

Despite me just being fair and calling it like it is, I still must salute and absolutely recommend Spider-Man out of pure love, admiration, and yes, nostalgia. One of my absolute favorite movies of all time. Despite its campiness, it's got some gripping dialogue and nail-biting moments that keep you roped in. Despite being overacted, you can be enamored with Willem Dafoe and J.K. Simmons stealing the show and eating up the screentime every chance you get, and the peril and dazzling rescue moments still stand proud. Despite the simplistic narrative done time and time again, there's enough action, dweeby moments, and even some dark-and-brutal violence tossed in to keep you glued to the screen. Spider-Man to me is a one of a kind movie. It not only is enjoyable in 2023, but it also serves as an excellent remembrance of that time in 2002 when America was unified following terrible terrorist attacks and engaged in a common ideology, common goals... and that heroism in a silly comic book movie made us feel like everything would be alright. From Danny Elfman's whimsical score, that Chad Kroeger song, great costume and set design, the romance, the thrills, and the eeriness in Dafoe... it stands to me still as a solid, top-notch adaptation of the comic book character, and should be remembered as not only a noteworthy movie, but a noteworthy event for years, if not decades, to come.