Cody's 200th "Spoiler Alert!" Post

Wow. I can't believe I've hit this landmark. Sure if I kept a regular schedule and maintained the blog, never lost interest, and had a great plan for writing consistently... I would've hit this landmark a few years ahead of this. But, not to poopoo on myself. I did manage two hundred posts in this blog about movies. A pastime that I enjoy thoroughly and an artform I study the techniques of just for my own giddy reasoning.

TWO. HUNDRED. How crazy is that? You know when I started doing this in 2014, I didn't think I'd keep up with it like I have. I was twenty-one at the time and still in college, juggling discovering beer on my own, mediocre grades, video games, dirty laundry, and how to schlep home in the snow for holiday weekends with my parents. By the time of writing this, I'm about thirty years old, just a few months shy anyway. Wild! How time flies. From my lightest year (2021, I didn't write in it once thanks to my podcast duties) to my HEAVIEST year (2018... a whopping seventy posts in fifty-two weeks); consistency has never been the name of the game but I'm here now.

It's also the end of 2022. What do I want to do in the blog for 2023? Well, for starters, I like reviewing movies but I tend to review movies that have been out for many years, in some case a couple decades or more. Movies my dad showed me at a young age or just old movies I discovered on my own that I then wanted to talk about on here. I have done some newer stuff, like the MCU Netflix shows and a couple movies I reviewed while they were in theaters. To keep the blog fresh, and up to date, I'd like to start trying new movies out and writing about them in my immediate aftermath of viewing. Movies either in theaters or released one of the many, many streaming services available to the populace. Now, that isn't to say I'm running out of my favorite movies to review and post on here. Not by a mile, there are still a ton of my "top 30 favorite" movies I can do full, dedicated reviews for and their sequels/prequels/in-between-quels, and have plenty of material to cover me for the year. Not to mention, I believe there are a couple more countdowns and tributes I left hanging that I'd like to pick up and finish... Looking at you, "Ranking the Star Wars movies".

Any NEW series ideas I want to do? A couple I thought of since picking the blog back up a couple weeks ago... I'd like to step through the careers of a couple of my all-time favorite directors. The guys I rank on my personal list as number one and number two as best directors of the modern era: James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino. That means we'll see full-length review of some movies that have probably been pending for some time now, and even people who know me the best who go "Why hasn't he done these yet?", this would be a perfect opportunity for me to do them, and fill up more than enough time and probably cover me 'til mid 2024 if I space them out enough, thinking of #BloggerFridays being the posting/sharing dates if I can keep it consistently... plus if you've been following along this whole time, 2024 would mark the ten year anniversary of when I first started Spoiler Alert to begin with!

I didn't really have a plan for this, and I do apologize if this came off as me patting myself on the back or typing about how awesome I am; certainly wasn't my intention. I can't stand egotists and narcissists so if I tend to inadvertently play the role, you're free to slap me silly the next time you see me!

Thank you for reading this quick little post, and I'll see everybody here in 2023!

A Review of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

At least the poster still looks Indiana Jones-esque

Welcome back. I am a few days late posting as I recently had not one but two whole family Christmases. The holidays are hectic but I'll be darned if they aren't worth it. Anywho, back to the action while I have a lull in... uh... the action? I guess. I don't know, I type as I think and I ain't got time for backspacing.

"Listen, ma'am. I may be old, but I can still go
on adventures!" "Well listen to us, Doctor--"
"HUH?! WHAT WAS THAT? LET ME SPEAK
TO YOUR MANAGER!"

So far, we've tackled Raiders of the Lost Ark, years ago we tackled Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and then recently last week we finished out the trilogy with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. All three, in my opinion, stellar films in their own right... though again, take Temple of Doom with a grain of salt. As we went through the 90s, several scripts for a fourth Indiana Jones film circulated. We had some good ideas, some not so great ideas. Plus, Steven Spielberg himself said he brought the curtain down on Last Crusade by having them "ride off into the sunset" at the end of the movie, as he thought he and George Lucas would mature and move on to other aspects of filmmaking. While Lucas went on to sort of disappear in the early and mid 90s, Spielberg kept right on rolling with wild blockbusters like Jurassic Park and Oscar winners like Schindler's List. Meanwhile, George Lucas would dust off his old Star Wars franchise with the Prequel Trilogy... and it is very well detailed in this blog how those went, across many posts. But what about Indiana Jones?

Well, after Spielberg finished with War of the Worlds and Lucas finished the same year with Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, the two returned together and finally got the ball rolling on the fourth film in the Indiana Jones franchise. Only thing now is... star Harrison Ford was in his mid 60s, would that affect Indy's on-screen performance in any way? Plus... rumors had circulated in what all the plot points for the film would be as far back as the mid 90s, and the ideas were a tad... "not Indiana Jones ish". What was once called Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men from Mars, and Indiana Jones and the Attack of the Giant Ants (Lucas's joke title)... as well as Indiana Jones and the Son of Indiana Jones (screenwriter David Koepp's idea)... we have arrived in 2008, and the May month release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. A movie that teaches us age and mileage on a character doesn't really mess with their ability to do stunts and dramatic feats of acrobatics since you'll be too distracted at all of the silly Star Wars prequel-esque cartoony elements shoved into the film.

"Excuse me! Can we get a table for five?" "But
there's only four of you." "Ma'am, the skull?"
"Oh my apologies, I thought it was fine china."

Moving the timeline of the character ahead to match up with Ford's age at the time... the movie takes place in 1957. After a very American Graffiti style opening (tributing Lucas's own teenage years of racing cars)... Soviet KGB agents, working under Irina Spalko (Cate "What am I doing here?" Blanchett), kidnap Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) and his partner George "Mac" MicHale (Ray Winestone). The Soviets infiltrate a secret government warehouse, located in Nevada, labeled "Hangar 51"... the same hangar at the end of Raiders it turns out! You'll notice one of the smashed boxes in the ensuing chase contains none other than the Ark of the Covenant, still locked in that warehouse to this day. The Soviets force Jones to locate a mummified alien corpse from the Roswell UFO incident, which he was forced to work on ten years earlier. Shortly after retrieving the corpse, Mac reveals he has become a double agent on the KGB’s payroll. Jones unsuccessfully attempts to steal the body, and fights with Spalko's henchman Dovchenko (Igor Jijikine), before escaping to a nearby model town right before an atomic bomb test. Yep... you know what's coming up if you've seen the movie. We witness Indiana Jones, archaeologist, world adventurer, outright defender against Nazis and bloodthirsty Thuggee cultists... take shelter in a lead-lined refrigerator while a nuclear blast goes off as a test. He emerges, un-concussed, unharmed, and overall very well... as he stands on a cliffside and watches the mushroom cloud form. Probably absorbing lethal levels of radiation in seconds, but eh... he's Indiana Jones, and ergo immune to everything. Try shooting him, see how far you get! Ha! Anywho, after the nuclear farce that coined the internet phrase "Nuking the Fridge" (in tribute to Happy Days' "Jumping the Shark")... FBI agents eventually rescue, decontaminate, and interrogate Jones, suspecting him of working for the Soviets. Though eventually freed, Jones is put on an indefinite leave of absence from Marshall College, and dean Charles Stanforth (Jim Broadbent) resigns to spare Jones from being fired... which is, I'm not sure, but I think a silly thing to do? I mean... he must really love Jones to terminate his own job just so Jones doesn't have to lose his, but at the end of the day neither of them will be working so... win? Yay?

"Mutt don't tell anyone, but Indy is blind as a
bat, so don't let him have any heavy artillery--"
"Shove over guys, I'mma blow up some Soviets!"

While Indy attempts to go start a life as a hermit, departing on a train... greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf... remember Shia LaBeouf? 2008 was wild indeed!) approaches Jones, notifying him that Jones’ former colleague, Professor Harold Oxley (John "Why am I here?" Hurt), found a crystal skull in Peru, but has since been kidnapped along with Mutt's mother, who went after him. Jones tells Mutt of the legend of crystal skulls found in Akator, and Mutt gives Jones a letter from his mother, which contains a riddle from Oxley in an ancient language. Two Soviet agents attempt to capture them, but Jones and Mutt escape and, following the riddle's meaning, reach Peru. At the local psychiatric hospital, carvings on the walls and floor of Oxley's cell lead them to the grave of Francisco de Orellana, a Conquistador who searched for Akator. They find the skull at the grave, and Jones reasons that Oxley had returned it there. While the two are departing the tomb, Mac and the Soviets take them hostage and deliver them to the Soviet camp in the Amazon jungle. There, the pair find an addled Oxley and Mutt's mother, who is actually Marion Ravenwood (Karen "Thank you for having me here" Allen), an old partner of Jones'; and of course, much to the surprise of no one, she reveals while she and Indy sink in a sand pit that Mutt is Indy's son, Henry Jones III just before he and Oxley save them... right before the Soviets find them again. It's a very back and forth, see-saw kinda story we've got going on here. You'll get real nauseated real fast at how to-and-fro we go with the Soviets and their constant "Do we have the heroes captive or don't we" schtick. 

Spalko believes the crystal skull belongs to an alien life form that holds great psychic power. Finding more skulls in Akator will grant the Soviet Union the ability to control the world via telepathy. Jones realizes that Oxley is attempting to communicate through automatic writing, and locates a route to Akator. The next day, while en route to the ancient city, Jones and his team fight their way out of the KGB's clutches, with Dovchenko being devoured by a swarm of army ants. Since Indiana Jones staple Pat Roach had passed away, it makes sense he couldn't have another on-screen brawl with Indy, but this counts as Indy's "big man brawl" scene, and it's actually quite brutal of a fight. However, the army of ants swarming around makes it kind of video game-ish and silly. Not to mention, other silly-and-or-stupid things happen during the jungle chase. For one thing, Mutt swings from vines with monkeys. I don't know why I hate it, but I do. I just find it so clearly over-the-top, and it just strikes me as something that doesn't belong nor look good in an Indiana Jones movie. In another annoying plot twist (annoyed moreso later on), Mac informs Jones he is a CIA double agent... faking an allegiance to the Soviets in exchange for CIA intel. If this doesn't give you a headache now, trust me it will in a sec. After surviving three waterfalls... each deadlier than the last but somehow nobody dies, even in an amphibious vehicle, Jones and Oxley identify a skull-like rock formation that leads them to Akator, unaware that Mac had lied about being a CIA agent and has been dropping transceivers to allow the surviving Soviets to track them.

Pictured: Harrison Ford visits the set of the
Star Wars prequels and poses with the actors.

Jones's team evades the city's guardians, gains access to the temple, and finds it filled with artifacts from many ancient civilizations. It is here, right before they enter the temple home... Mac holds a gun to them, declares he's betraying them again... which reveals to us he's the ignoramus leaving the Soviets the transceivers. As the Soviets join them in the chamber, the entire troupe of characters realize the aliens are "archaeologists" studying the different cultures of Earth, showing thirteen crystal skeletons, one of which is missing its skull. When Spalko replaces the missing skull, the skeletons telepathically offer to give a reward to the group, using Oxley as a translator. She demands to simply know all the knowledge of the aliens; the aliens reanimate and transfer an overwhelming amount of knowledge into her mind, killing her. A portal to their dimension is activated, and Mac and all of the remaining Soviets are drawn in, while Jones and his team escape. Good riddance, ya pathological liar! As the city crumbles, a large flying saucer rises from the ruins and departs for another dimension, and the waters of the Amazon flood the hollow left by its takeoff. The following year, Jones is reinstated at Marshall College as its associate dean, and marries Marion, with Oxley, who has regained his sanity, and Mutt as witnesses. There's even a tease that Mutt may take over as the next "adventuring archaeologist" when Indy's fedora blows off a hat rack and lands on the floor, but Harrison Ford says "No" to his Mutt and snatches the hat back, protecting his mantle and thankfully preventing a Shia LaBeouf-led Indiana Jones movie.

"Oy! That nuclear blast shockwave sending me
bouncing across rocky landscape at Mach 3,
throttling inside the fridge like a marble in a tin
can sure is going to leave a bump on my keister!"

Boy, this one is... hard to judge. On the one hand, it looks and feels just like an Indiana Jones film for the most part. It was filmed in a non-digital film format. Something that George Lucas had adopted for shooting the Star Wars prequel trilogy. It ended up helping because, as Lucas mentioned, it "looked like it was shot three years after Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, you'd never know there was twenty years between shooting." So it still looks like a spiritual cousin of the first three movies. Also, even twenty years later, many of the familiar sound effects are carried over from the first three films, such as the punching sounds, the gunshots, the whip, and even the famous Wilhelm scream sound effect carries over into this film during the car chase through the library. John Williams returns and conducts his fourth Indiana Jones film score, echoing the famous "Raiders March" for the soundtrack as well. Obviously, Harrison Ford kicks butt, even in his mid 60s for Indiana Jones. You wouldn't even guess that there was any slowing down or aging, to begin with. Ford kept in tremendous shape throughout the 90s and 2000s, hoping another Indiana Jones film would be made and even he's the grizzled-looking older gent in this one, he's still Indiana Jones in my book, and kicks ass just as much as Raiders, Temple, or Crusade. Also it works well that we didn't have to face the Nazis again... they made the smart move of going the fresher route and, in keeping with the setting of 1957 by introducing the SOVIETS with their big villain this time around. So the movie really has a lot going for it. Государственный гимн СССР, know what I'm sayin'?

Yes, I am an alien.
Yes, I am in an Indiana Jones movie.
We exist.

Now what doesn't work? Well. Let's let the big cat out of the bag first, as she's the most cumbersome, morbidly obese cat. You know, she breathes real hard, wheezing everywhere, stepping and slobbering on all the other cats. Yeah... that big cat. Let's talk about the aliens. Should aliens be the center point of an Indiana Jones story? What does Indiana Jones usually become equated with? Mossy temples? Hidden jungles? Treasures sheathed behind deadly booby traps? Fist fighting the Nazis? Leaping across chasms? Challenging religion and fate by obtaining their artifacts? FRIGGIN' SPACE ALIENS? Well, that seems like a sore thumb that sticks out. Something about this feels... weird. I won't be one of the group that says it's horribly wrong, and sacrilegious, and that it disses everything about the Indiana Jones mythology... but I will just be the one that says it's... weird. I don't know it just feels weird to me. I mean it feels justifiable, like what else was Indy going to hunt for this time? Ra's Left Testicle? Tutankhamen's car keys? George Washington's knitting needles? Something about the theme had to change... but space aliens doesn't seem like it... fits to me. I don't know it's so hard to explain! I open it up to discussion in the comment threads in this post, or where this post is linked. Perhaps all of you reading this can make better sense out of it than I can and compel better arguments for or against.

On top of that, it feels very 2000s Lucasfilm-y unfortunately. When George went haywire with filmmaking/story decisions, that are very well documented in this blog's history. Visit our archives to read more! There's a plethora of George-questioning in there. I used to call it George-bashing, but let's face it, I can't ethically bash the guy who brought us Star Wars and Indiana Jones in the same breath, can I? No siree. However, I wouldn't be doing my hobby (a "job" is something someone does in exchange for compensation of some kind) if I didn't point out that, a lot of questionable film decisions were made here. Nuking the fridge, swinging with monkeys, Mac's back-and-forth, forward-and-back, to-and-fro, wishy-washy stance on who he's serving at any given time, Shia LaBeouf... there's a lot of really good in this movie, but there's also an equal amount of silly if you ask me.

"Legend says that a crystal skull was stolen from
a mythical lost city in the Amazon, supposedly
built out of solid gold, guarded by the living dead."
"Sir, I was just asking if you had any references
for this Burger King Manager position--" 

The final question: Is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as bad as everyone make it out to be? In my opinion? No. Not as bad as everyone says it is. A lot of your common "reviewers" don't dissect enough and just pile on the bandwagon. Is it weaker, like on the par with Temple of Doom? Actually, personally, despite my defense of it... I'd pile it right below Temple of Doom as currently, the weakest Indiana Jones film we have. I went through these so that we can lead up to Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny on June 30th, 2023 in style. Will that one be the weakest after this one? Does Harrison's age have a direct impact on the matter? I doubt it. That won't stop us from seeing memes about "grandpa" Indiana Jones though trying to catch a nap in between adventures.

To sum it up: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull still is a lot of fun, and doesn't deserve much of the hate-bashing it gets. It still has silly elements, see above for a detailed list, but beyond that. It's pretty solid. It isn't as awesome to behold as Raiders or Crusade, and doesn't have the same shock-value style entertainment that sort of... I don't know "sucks you in" I guess, as Temple of Doom. It exists kind of as a genus of an Indiana Jones film all on its own. A kind of "late 2000s CGI laden" Indiana Jones film. Despite it's, shall we say, "quirky" elements... it's still a quality entry to the saga as a whole, in my opinion. On its worst day I give it a C, but if I'm in a more decent mood it's probably on the B- wavelength of it. Give it a watch if you're in the mood and you've seen the other Indy films, but managed to skip this one somehow. At least give it a try. Let me know how you liked it or didn't like it in the comments!

A Review of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"

What an epic shot... Harrison Ford looking all badass. Sean Connery studying Harrison
Ford's ear... probably hoping he doesn't have an ear infection.

Happy Friday. Hope your weekend last week was a glorious as this one. If it wasn't, well I'm sorry but life can sometimes be a cruel, unfair mistress. If you went to Disney World last weekend, I don't think you're going to be able to top that this weekend but hey more power to you and good luck!

Now I know what you're thinking; wait... Last Crusade? That didn't come after Raiders... didn't we skip one? Indeed we did, but never fear; it turns out I already did a review of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and even I forgot! I remember I chose to single that one out as that is a "unique" entry in the series, and thought it deserved it's own review, out of place. If you want to go in production order, stop what you're doing and read the Temple of Doom review here. Don't worry, I'll wait. I have a bunch of desk ornaments to admire, memes to chuckle at, and adult beverages to consume...

...

"... I wonder what would happen if I take
this to a drug test and pee in it?"

... Welcome back! Now, we've read about the lukewarm reception received by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, something that even Lucas and Spielberg have since agreed to, stating that they wanted a darker film but admits they went too far with a few things. Spielberg even claimed "I produced Poltergeist, and I thought Temple of Doom out-poltered Poltergeist." Let that quote stand on its own. Spielberg reportedly had agreed initially to a three-movie deal with George Lucas when they initially came up with the idea for Indiana Jones on vacation in '78/'79... so we were guaranteed one more movie. It was a chance to for Spielberg and Lucas to backpedal, take the film back to the Raiders roots. Family-friendly (to a degree), action-packed, adventurous, on-the-edge-of-your-seat entertainment. After directing two highly-acclaimed films Empire of the Sun and The Color Purple... Spielberg was recruited by George Lucas for the third installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Here is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Does it rebound from Temple of Doom? Is it on par with Raiders? Yes. All the above, and more. In a classic return to form, I present Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

"I know I'm being chased by evildoers but...
did I leave the oven on when I left the house
this morning?"

In 1912, 13-year-old Indiana Jones (River Phoenix), is horseback riding with his Boy Scout troop at Arches National Park in Utah. While scouting caves, Indiana discovers a group of grave robbers who have found a golden crucifix belonging to Francisco Vázquez de Coronado and steals it from them, hoping to donate it to a museum. In a wildly fun sequence, the men give chase through a passing circus train, leaving Indiana with a bloody cut across his chin from a bullwhip and a new phobia of snakes. The way the film sets up not only Indy's fear of snakes, but even going so far as to give a fictional explanation for Harrison Ford's real-life chin scar... pure genius. Indiana escapes, but the local sheriff makes him return the cross to the robbers, who immediately turn it over to a mysterious benefactor wearing a Panama hat. Impressed with the boy's bravery, the leader of the robbers gives Indiana his trademark fedora.

In 1938, twenty-six years later, Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) fights "Panama Hat" (Paul Maxwell) and his henchmen on a ship off the coast of Portugal. Escaping overboard just before the ship explodes, he recovers the cross and donates it to Marcus Brody's (Denholm Elliot) museum.  Later, Indiana learns from Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) that his father was searching for the Holy Grail using an incomplete inscription from a stone tablet as a guide and has since vanished. Empire Strikes Back alumn #1: Julian Glover played "General Veers"... who led the AT-AT walker assault on Hoth against the Rebels. Recycled Star Wars guy confirmed. Continuing on... Indiana receives Henry's Grail diary via mail from Venice and heads there with Marcus, where they meet Henry's Austrian colleague, Dr. Elsa Schneider (Allison Doody). Right off the bat, we're re-introduced to Marcus Brody, and we see scenes echo Raiders in similarity. The opening adventure that has no bearing on the main plot, returning Indy to Marshall College, Marcus coming to fetch him out of his classroom... this was all in an attempt by Spielberg and Lucas to re-capture the spirit of Raiders of the Lost Ark after going too far out there with Temple of Doom. Already, this movie feels on-par with Raiders... and we're still only in the beginning.

"Wow, look at this thing. Jesus had really good
taste, know what I'm saying?"
"Yeah 'pretty good taste' considering it caught
his blood at the Crucifixion."

Beneath the library (a converted church) where Indy's father was last seen, Indiana and Elsa discover a set of half-flooded catacombs that house the tomb of a First Crusade knight that contains a complete version of the inscription that Indy's father had used, revealing the location of the Grail. They flee when the petroleum-saturated waters of the catacombs are set on fire by the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword, a secret society whose mission is to protect the Grail and keep the Cup of Christ out of evil's hands. Boy... Indiana Jones really does more harm than good when he shows up to a place doesn't he? I don't think there's on place in this whole movie that Indy doesn't destroy, fuck with, or leave as he arrived. Indiana and Elsa capture Brotherhood member Kazim (Kevork Malikyan), and when Indiana explains that his only goal is to find his father, not the Grail, Kazim tells them his father's location. Looking through the diary, Marcus finds a map drawn by Indy's father of the route to the Grail, which begins in the ancient city of Alexandretta. Indiana removes the map from the diary, gives it to Marcus for safekeeping, and sends him to İskenderun, the city built on the ruins of Alexandretta, to rendezvous with their old friend Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). Again, another attempt to recapture Raiders' glory... including the character of Sallah as well. Elsa begins a relationship with Indiana before they depart to find his father.

Indiana and Elsa head to Castle Brunwald, a Nazi-controlled castle in Austria, where his father is being held. Indiana finds him, Professor Henry Jones (Sir Sean Connery) and frees him only to be quickly captured by SS Colonel Ernst Vogel (Michael Byrne). He learns that Elsa is a Nazi, and Donovan is working with them. They are using the Joneses to find the Grail for them. Elsa kisses Indiana goodbye as she departs with Donovan and Vogel. Marcus is captured in Hatay State while meeting with Sallah. After their escape from the castle, Henry tells Indiana that the Grail is guarded by three booby traps and his diary contains clues needed to pass them safely. Disguised as a German Army colonel, Indiana recovers the diary from Elsa in Berlin, who claims she's merely acting as a double agent to keep the grail away from the Nazis, at a Nazi book burning rally in Berlin and comes face to face with Adolf Hitler (Michael Sheard), who autographs the book without recognizing it or him. Empire Strikes Back alumn #2: Michael Sheard is the same actor who played Admiral Ozzle in The Empire Strikes Back... the one who dropped out of lightspeed too close to the system. Another recycled Star Wars guy confirmed! It must be Christmas! *Checks calendar* Oh wait.... Moving on! Indiana and Henry board a Zeppelin to leave Germany, but are discovered and forced to escape in its parasite biplane. A dogfight with Luftwaffe fighters ensues; although Indiana and Henry are forced to crash-land, they survive and successfully bring down their pursuers.

How it feels to chew 5 Gum... stimulate
your senses...

In Hatay, Sallah tells them of Marcus's abduction. The Nazis have since been equipped with heavy as balls artillery, including a vintage WWI tank, by the Sultan of Hatay... all for nothing more than a Rolls-Royce Phantom II automobile... That leads me to believe that in 1938 Hatay, the exchange rate for all the mechanized warfare you could want to wage a small war will only cost you one luxury automobile. Go figure! They also learn the Nazis are  already moving toward the Grail's location, using the map possessed by Marcus. Indiana, Henry, and Sallah find the Nazi expedition, which is ambushed by the Brotherhood. This time of the Cruciform GUN as they unload on the Nazis using a barrage of small arms' fire. During the battle, Henry is captured by Vogel while attempting to rescue Marcus; Kazim and his comrades are killed. Indiana pursues the tank on horseback and, with the aid of Sallah, saves Henry and Marcus. He is caught up in a fight with Vogel, but escapes just before the tank goes over a cliff, sending Vogel to his death.

The team of heroes catch up with the surviving Nazis, who have found the temple in The Canyon of the Crescent Moon where the Holy Grail is kept but finds the troupe packed with newbs who can't get passed the first trap. Donovan shoots and mortally wounds Henry to force Indiana to risk his life in the traps to find the Grail and use its healing power to save his father. This is a moment in the movie where I go... "Yeah no okay this guy's evil". Like, you get people in family movies that are "evil"... but this guy is a straight-up douche. Using the clues in the diary (and followed by Donovan and Elsa), Indiana safely overcomes the traps (which include fast-moving saw blades, a word puzzle, and a hidden bridge over a bottomless pit) and reaches the Grail's chamber, which is guarded by a knight (stage veteran Robert Eddison). The man has been kept alive for 700 years by the power of the Grail, which is hidden among dozens of false grails of various designs. The true Grail grants eternal life, while the false ones will kill anyone who drinks from them. Elsa selects an incorrect cup for Donovan, causing him to rapidly age and crumble to dust after drinking from it. Indiana correctly identifies a simple clay cup as the true Grail and drinks from it, but the knight warns that it cannot be taken out of the temple, and that its guardian must stay within to remain immortal. "That is the price of immortality". FUN FACT: The Grail Knight it was originally pitched was to be played by Sir Laurence Olivier... arguably one of the greatest screen actors of the Golden Age of cinema, but he was very very ill by 1988-89 and unfortunately passed away very shortly after the movie was released.

"We didn't start the fire! It was always burnin' since
the world's been turnin'!" "Dad, this is neither the
time, nor the place!"

Indiana fills the Grail with Holy water and brings it to Henry, healing him instantly. Elsa disregards the knight's warning like a true LeRoy Jenkins and tries to take the Grail with her, causing the temple to collapse around them when she crosses the Great Seal set in the floor at the entrance. Seriously... the Grail Knight must've felt like God after telling Adam & Eve not to eat the Forbidden Fruit... like "You guys had literally one job." When the Grail falls into a chasm in the floor, Elsa plummets to her death trying to recover it. Indiana nearly suffers the same fate before Henry persuades him to leave it. The Grail Knight bids them farewell as they escape. Again, real politely considering this bumbling troupe of assholes destroyed his house around him after ignoring his one plea. In a comedic final bit (since this was originally going to be a trilogy and left at that), the group of heroes learn that Indiana's real name is "Henry Jones Jr.", and that "Indiana" is a nickname taken after the Jones's dog... seen in the beginning of the film. After leaving the temple, the Joneses, Marcus, and Sallah ride off into the sunset... bringing the curtain down on the Raiders trilogy and for a time... Indiana Jones.

*Mushy kissing noises* "For God's sake, junior!
I'm strapped right next to you!"

So where do we begin with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? First of all, the "spirit" shall we say of Indiana Jones is back full force in this one. Spielberg's attempts to hasten people's forgetting of Temple of Doom worked out well because he atoned for that film and then some with this one. With Sallah and Brody back in the film, it feels more like a spiritual successor to Raiders that we were hoping for. While Sallah has a smaller role in this one, Brody actually has a much larger one so it balances out well. Also, it may seem stale that the Nazis are back again as the villains, but honestly again... after trying to differentiate with Temple of Doom only for that one to end up being awkwardly racial... going back to form is exactly what we wanted. Reference Star Wars vs. Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the comparisons I made in one of my very first blog posts about Coke vs. New Coke... I rest my case. The action and score also doesn't skip a beat. Williams' whimsical chase music for both the opening circus train sequence as well as the motorcycle and biplane escapes are upbeat and fun to listen to on the albums... and his use of "Der Königgrätzer Marsch" during the book burning rally scene, while not an anthem used for the Nazis or Nazi Germany at all... somehow fits. Oh and Harrison Ford continued being a badass because as with the prior two Indy films, he did most of if not all of his own stunts. In fact, according to stuntman Vic Armstrong, he had to pull Ford to one side and ask him to let him "do some work" because Ford was doing so much of the action himself. Armstrong later said, "If he wasn't such a great actor, he would have made a really great stuntman."

"Wow, dad. Maybe the Cup of Christ was really
inside all of us all along." "Junior, try harder at
the story morals next time would you please?"

Where this film actually stands out against Raiders of the Lost Ark is its comedy. Including Indy's father Henry Jones in the adventure resulted in some pretty witty and fun banter between the two. In my post reviewing Raiders I mentioned how Spielberg always wanted to direct a James Bond film, resulting in his agreement to do Indy. What better way to pay tribute to how James Bond inspired Indiana Jones than to cast a former Bond as Indy's father? Sean Connery does heartfelt love for his son, epic rescue, peril and pain, and outright slapstick comedy all at once in this movie, and with Harrison Ford creates some memorably funny exchanges between the two. As for Indy's love interest Dr. Schneider and the main villains, i.e. Donovan and Vogel... they're a wee bit stock. Donovan stands out for his gentlemanly persona, but Vogel is about as cliche as you can get. Pat Roach... who played the giant Sherpa in Temple of Doom and large mechanic in Raiders was apparently supposed to play another large beefy "final boss strongman" for Indy to fight, but his scene was either not filmed or cut.

Finally, the big question: As I mentioned in my Temple of Doom post linked above, often times the debate between Indiana Jones movies isn't like debating Star Wars, James Bond, or Marvel movies... where there are tons of different candidates for possible favorites among different people who have differing tastes and ideologies about how they like their stories. With Indiana Jones franchise, you're pretty much going to get one of two picks from people. Raiders of the Lost Ark... or Last Crusade. There are some contrarians who will pick Temple of Doom or our next review, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as their favorites, for their own reasons, but a majority of the time, it comes down between Raiders and Crusade. It's like Coke vs. Pepsi, USA vs. Russia, Beatles vs. Rolling Stones, Diane Sawyer vs. Katie Couric, Jacob vs. Edward....

Personally, while I am team Raiders and will be forever... Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is an equal partner, a solid A+ sequel. It's on par with Raiders in so many ways. Adventure, score, characterizations, action sequences, props, cinematography, perils; I could go on. I recommend Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, wholeheartedly. Especially if you're doing these in sequence or in order and felt like Temple of Doom sucker-punched you right in your stomach. It'll pick you right back up and put you back in the family-friendly action-adventure saddle for another thrill ride of your life! Watch it if you haven't seen it yet! Immediately. Or else... or eeeeeelse... I haven't thought of something yet but GOD HELP YOU WHEN I DO.

A Review of "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

"Alright Mr. Ford, smile! Now... hold still while we paint this out meticulously..."

In the words of the Terminator, in well... Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, unfortunately... I'm back. That's right, after just two days shy of two whole years of absence, I'm dusting off my blog and firing 'er back up again. For those of you who never left, kisses. For those of you who did leave... uh, I'm not sure what to say because you're not here anymore. BUT... I'll bet you're wondering where I've been this whole time? Dead? You wish! Just kidding... but in all honesty, I had a podcast I was focusing a lot of time and creativity on, which took time away from this blog of mine. For the past nearly two years it's been on... You can search "The Six Pack of Randomness" and listen to all 71 episodes, which are currently streaming... but it has since wrapped up... and I was wondering how to fill my time again.

I thought for a second. Didn't I have something that used to fill my time? Indeed I did... and you guessed it, I am here, back again for more shenanigans and movie-talk. I needed a truly immaculate post to kickstart the blog back up again and get rollin'. I was looking for something that could carry that sort of gravitas... and what better time and how topical it would  be to do Raiders of the Lost Ark. Not only my pick for top adventure film of all time, not only one of my favorite movies of all time (I named it my third all-time favorite movie years ago here), and not only a candidate for best action movie of all time... but with the recent drop of the trailer for Indiana Jones 5... now dubbed Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny... I figured what better time than to go back to one of my childhood's favorite movies of all time. I'm serious, I did a search in my blog for the word "Raiders" and that alone netted eleven previous posts. "Indiana Jones" netted me six. I talk about this movie... all the damn time. Let's review and enjoy Raiders of the Lost Ark... later renamed Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark so it fits in with the rest of the series that came afterwards. It's a movie that teaches us Hitler enjoyed the occult and collecting magical religious artifacts from the Bible... even at the expense of incurring God's wrath... oh and Indiana Jones himself bounces around from time to time too.

Alright Indy, remember your training. "If you
see an Idol, pick it up, and all the day you'll
have good luck!"... No, that wasn't it.

The film takes place in 1936. In one of the most iconic, eerie, and action-packed opening sequences in motion-picture history, American archaeologist Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) recovers a golden idol from a booby-trapped Peruvian temple. Rival archaeologist René Belloq (Paul Freeman) corners him and steals the idol; Jones escapes Belloq and the natives in a waiting seaplane bound for the States. Right away, you're on the edge of your seat, and every moment has since become iconic. The treacherous walk on a booby-trapped pathway, Indy studying the idol, the rolling ball that chases him down the cave... Hollywood royalty this opening sequence is. Not only that, but strangely enough the golden idol never comes up again. Much like James Bond films, which was director Steven Spielberg's and producer/story man George Lucas's inspiration for Indy... the opening adventure has little to no bearing on the ensuing plot. Instead, it was like an opening act at a rock concert... now we're onto the main course!

After returning to the United States, Jones is briefed by two Army Intelligence agents that Nazi German forces are excavating at Tanis, Egypt, and one of their telegrams mentions Jones' old mentor Abner Ravenwood. Jones deduces that the Nazis seek the Ark of the Covenant... the sacred Golden chest which the Hebrews carried the Ten Commands in after Moses brought them down from Mount Horeb... "Any'a you guys ever go to Sunday school?" quips Indy. Ha. With these tablets, Adolf Hitler believes will make the Nazi army invincible, something Indy's compatriot at his university Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliot) echoes. The agents recruit Jones to recover the Ark before the Nazis to prevent Germany's global takeover. After an iconic Indiana Jones map travel scene... we find ourselves at a bar in Nepal, where Jones reunites with Ravenwood's daughter Marion (Karen Allen)—with whom Jones once had an illicit relationship—and learns Ravenwood is dead. The bar is set ablaze during a scuffle with Gestapo agent Arnold Toht (Ronald Lacey), who arrives to take a medallion from Marion. Toht attempts to recover the medallion from the flames, but only burns its image into his hand. Jones and Marion take the medallion and escape to Egypt, with Marion declaring she is now Jones' partner on the adventure.

Alright Indy, remember your training. "The bigger
they hit, the harder I fall?" Doesn't sound right,
but it sure is true. Ouch...

Traveling to Cairo, the pair meet Jones's friend Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). Sallah reveals Belloq is assisting the Nazis, who have fashioned an incomplete replica medallion from the burns on Toht's hand. Nazi soldiers and mercenaries attack Jones in town... right away resulting in another iconic sequence, and Marion is seemingly killed, leaving Jones despondent. An imam for Jones and Sallah deciphers the medallion for Jones, revealing that one side bears a warning against disturbing the Ark, and the other bears the correct measurements for the "staff of Ra", an item used to locate the Ark. Jones and Sallah realize that the Nazis are digging in the wrong location dude to Toht's hand only having one side of the medallion. Together,  theyinfiltrate the Nazi dig site, and use the medallion and the correctly-sized staff of Ra to locate the Well of Souls, the Ark's resting place. Over the course of the night... they recover the Ark—a golden, intricately decorated chest—but Belloq and the Nazis discover them and seize it before they can escape with it. Jones and Marion—whom Belloq has held captive—are sealed inside the well, but the pair escape after finding a hole in a wall.

What I'm about to describe next are, once again back-to-back action sequences that have since their debut in this film have become legendary scenes in Hollywood history. The first is when Indy and Marion discover the Ark is being loaded onto a Nazi "Flying Wing" plane... and try to hijack it. An oversized brute mechanic finds Indy fascinating and becomes obsessed with fist-fighting him. While Indy gets his ass handed to him by the giant mechanic, Marion takes control of the grounded plane... now spinning in circles on one landing gear, and guns down a truck full of Nazis. As the truck explodes, its fire lights a trail of spilt gasoline that runs along the ground towards the plane. Jones tricks the mechanic into getting shredded in the plane's propeller and he and Marion escape the Flying Wing before it explodes. Now... *whew*... that was a lot, right? Well we're not done yet. Now Sallah has found Indy and Marion, and tells them the Ark, instead, is being loaded onto a truck for Cairo. Indy mounts a horse and leaps onto the truck mid-transit, fighting every Nazi that opposes him, running over one, and running Belloq, Dietrich (Wolf Kahler), and Toht off the road in the road in the process. Back to back stellar action sequences. Harrison Ford also did all of his own stunts for the movie as well, including the fist fights, truck leaping, and climbing under the truck and getting dragged behind it. Total. Badass.

"Boy, this guy looks tough. Better enter a cheat
code... NRA4Evr *pistol spawned*... ah, there
we go! God I love video games!"

Alongside Marion, Jones arranges to transport the Ark to London aboard a tramp steamer. A German U-boat intercepts the steamer and seizes the Ark and Marion; Jones covertly boards the U-boat. Again, in yet another triumphant scene, Indy swims to it with the crew saluting him in the background. The vessel travels to an island in the Aegean Sea, where Belloq intends to test the power of the Ark before presenting it to Hitler. On the island, Jones ambushes the Nazi group and threatens to destroy the Ark, but surrenders after Belloq deduces that Jones would never destroy something so historically significant, also surmising that Jones wants to know if the Ark's power is real. Later that evening on the island, the Nazis restrain Jones and Marion at the testing site as Belloq embellishes in a Jewish ceremony as he opens the Ark but finds only sand inside. At Jones' instruction, he and Marion close their eyes to avoid looking at the opened Ark, as it releases spirits, flames, and bolts of energy that kill Belloq, Toht, and the assembled Nazis before sealing itself shut. The power of God that is used to kill the Nazis is one wild scene and yet another glorious exercise in practical special effects. Toht's head melts (the best example...), Dietrich's head shrinks, and Belloq's head blows up. If you want to see a cool behind the scenes video bit on how the effect for Toht's head melting was done, I have one here. After the Ark's (and quite frankly God's) power destroys the Nazis... Jones and Marion open their eyes to find the area cleared of bodies and their bindings removed. At the conclusion of the film, back in Washington, D.C., the United States government rewards Jones for securing the Ark. Despite Jones' insistence, the agents state only that the Ark has been moved to an undisclosed location for "top men" to study. Ah yes, very "United States of America" of them. Elsewhere... inside of a large secret government warehouse, the Ark is crated up and stored among countless other crates containing what I can only imagine to be thousands of other Indiana Jones adventures that we'll never see, while the jubilant music plays us out to the end credits.

Crap... that "boy who lived" nerd would really
come in handy right now.

What can I say about Raiders of the Lost Ark that hasn't been said over the last forty years? First of all, Harrison Ford absolutely nailed this role, and the stunts that had to go with it. After playing Bob Falfa in American Graffiti... George Lucas didn't want Harrison for Star Wars and only wanted new faces, electing only to use Ford after he read lines with the other actors so well as Han Solo. After Star Wars, Lucas again didn't want to use Ford for Indiana Jones and wanted instead to use new faces... only for Spielberg and Lucas to pick Ford again after what I can only imagine was a no-brainer conclusion they reached. Secondly, the sets, themes, supporting characters, imagery, and settings have all become the paradigms for not only the future installments of the franchise, but also other adventure movies as well. Setting a common theme by including jungles, deserts, temples stocked to the brim with booby-traps that the adventurer character has to jump, tuck and roll, and dance around. I maintain Raiders of the Lost Ark while not the original to do all this, certainly became the grand-daddy archetype as it was a tribute film to action-adventure serials of the 1930s that Lucas and Spielberg loved so much as kids. Right down to Indiana Jones' whip, an uncommon and out-of-the-ordinary choice for the hero's main weapon... a bullwhip, but again, has since this film become a staple of the adventurer in a fedora template for a main hero. Again, it all comes back to Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This is what I imagine I'm doing when I used
to stand in a shopping mall and read the directory
for the store I wanted.

What I also love so much about this movie is again the action sequences and how well each moment plays out and feeds into the next. Take the Flying Wing fight sequence for example. Indy jumps on the plane gets the attention of a small mechanic. He starts fighting that small mechanic, which gets the attention of the big mechanic. Indy jumps off the plane to shall we say "appease" the big mechanic's demand for fisticuffs, allowing Marion to whack the distracted pilot over the head with the wheel blocks. The pilot, unconscious, falls onto the controls which sends the plane into a slow, steady roll in circles on the tarmac. The plane's wing hits one of the nearby fuel trucks and starts spilling gas on the ground. A truck full of soldiers shows up. Marion uses the tail gun to gun them all down and in her haste, blows up a collection of oil and gas drums. The fire hits the gasoline and starts running along the ground. Indy and the mechanic, meanwhile, end their fight as the distracted mechanic gets eviscerated by one of the plane's propellers as it spins into him. Indy shoots the canopy open, frees Marion, and the two escape as the fire hits the gas truck, blowing it and the Flying Wing plane to smithereens. Absolutely righteous scene, and a lot of times I'll just watch this scene alone on YouTube. This, the street fight, and the opening temple run are all so exemplary that Disney World's Hollywood Studios theme park created an attraction called Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular... a live stage show where they pseudo-showcase the filmmaking and stuntwork that goes into choregraphing and shooting scenes like those. I get giddy every time I get to check it out.

The story also contains some brands of humor. While not leaning on the comedic stylings as hard until Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (coming soon), there's a scene in the street fight early on after Indy and Marion meet Sallah and arrive in Cairo. Indy finds himself face to face with a scimitar-wielding sherpa. Instead of engaging in a big fight with him, Indy just takes his revolver and guns him down in the street, all exhausted. This actually is worth a mild chuckle in the film, but it has a behind-the-scenes story. Harrison Ford was supposed to use his whip to get the sword out of his attacker's hands and have a full-on brawl like a video game "final boss", but the food poisoning he and the rest of the crew had gotten made him too sick to perform the stunt. After several unsuccessful tries, Ford suggested "shooting the sucker". Steven Spielberg immediately took him up on the idea, and the scene was successfully filmed as it appears in the movie today. Another source of humor is a swashbuckling, adventuring archaeologist like Indiana Jones is deathly terrified of snakes. "Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes."

...and this is what I imagine I'm doing when I'm helping
friends move their furniture.

Lastly I want to point out two more things about this movie that I love; its custom sound effects and its score. The custom sound effects are unique a lot of times to this movie, and its follow-ups. When you hear Indiana Jones punch someone, or get punched, Ben Burtt created new punch sound effects by whacking a pile of leather jackets with a baseball bat. Indiana Jones' gun was a .30-.30 Winchester rifle firing. The Ark's lid moving was created by Burtt simply recording his his toilet tank lid sliding across the top of the tank. The sound of the boulder rolling towards Indy in the cave was obtained by Burtt recording the back tire of a Honda Civic rolling down a gravely hill. To achieve the sound of thousands of snakes slithering in the Well of Souls where the Ark resided... Burtt stuck his fingers into a cheese casserole, which was augmented by applying wet sponges to the grip tape on a skateboard and recording that as well. Burtt, who did the sound design for Star Wars, creating the sounds of the blasters, the lightsabers, the ships; basically everything... really did masterfully create a series of sounds and sound effects for this film as well. Including noises of synthesized and synchronized human and animal cries and shrieks when the Ark lid is opened to give it an otherworldly reminder to the viewers that opening the Ark was precisely not what you wanted to do.

Wrath of God got you down? Eat a Snickers!

--and of course, there's the score. Once again, the masterful John Williams had done it again. There's not really a great way of describing how great the music and score is over text in a blog, but I will tell you that the theme, as with everything else I've said, has since become a standard for action-adventure films. So much so that this film's sort-of loose parody by the Cannon Film Group, King Solomon's Mines, has an identical sounding theme by Jerry Goldsmith but it also is one I really like. Go listen to it here, on the soundtrack.

I absolutely love and will continue to love Raiders of the Lost Ark. So much so I wrote a long-winded blog post about it, and believe me I could have kept going. It's an action adventure masterpiece of a movie in my book. Ten out of ten. Eight whips out of eight. Eleven "sword-wielding sherpas that get shot down" out of five. There's a small list of movies I take it upon myself to show people if they've never seen them. Raiders of the Lost Ark is for sure one of them. Otherwise I don't like forcing movies on people if they're not interested... but Raiders I mean ya gotta be interested. It's a legendary film. It was even 1981's biggest grossing film by a wide margin, and also nominated for Best Picture at the 1982 Oscars. That doesn't happen to adventure movies nowadays. You think Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle or Jungle Cruise is getting nominated for awards? Well... maybe Razzies! Ha (I digress I actually liked both those movies).

Go check Raiders out now. Drop what you're doing and go now. Even if you're working. You shan't regret it. I'll see you guys again soon! BOY it feels good to be back.