Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #4 - "Return of the Jedi"

Despite some mixed emotions, this still remains as one of the greatest sci-fi-fantasy films of all time.

Oh my goodness. I'll bet you were all like "Oh of course here's another schlub who thinks the Star Wars original trilogy are three untouchable, God-tier films that don't have any flaws like the other ones and are unquestionably the top of the top, cream of the crop, happy of the hour, too sweet to be sour kings of the entirety of the so-called 'Skywalker Saga'". Well while some of that was correct, I had to sit back and do some thinking, really ponder about which one I'd be more than likely to pop in if it came right down to it. The choice was simple... Return of the Jedi or Star Wars -Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? After some personal reflection, the choice was simple.

I always enjoyed this shot from the back of the VHS box
that looked like Luke's lightsaber blade was just freakin'
marker'd in.

At this current moment in time, I'd probably watch Episode III before Return of the Jedi. So in the case of this list, I'd have to put Return of the Jedi below Episode III. I know, "crazy" right? But why though? Isn't Episode III just as cheesily cartoony as the two dumb-shit prequels that came before it? Yes, but not to their degree. Isn't it just as poorly acted as the two lame-ass prequels that came before it? Sure, but not all the time like they are. Isn't it just as hokily written as the two... I'm running out of insults... mind-numbing prequels that came before it? Yeah, here and there it is... but you take those three things away and it's actually tells a really great ending to the prequel trilogy. Return of the Jedi meanwhile takes a bases-loaded, no outs situation and grounds out to short stop. Sure, a run still scored... but there was probably a double-play right there costing you two outs. It's good movie and arguably the better of the two made, but as an ending to a trilogy? It is pure dog breath awful. Plus... really think about the story in Return of the Jedi? Think about a story that's just as entertaining and gripping as the Luke/Vader/Emperor arc. Go ahead, I'll wait... I'll just be reading online conspiracy theories about the JFK assassination while I do.

...that's right. You got nothing. Let's review the one that had to suffer a defeat and get relegated to fourth place. Still top five. This is Return of the Jedi, the final chapter in the original Star Wars trilogy released in 1983, a movie that teaches us that all that character development and groundbreaking story in the world handed to you on a silver platter can't stop you from just relenting, back-pedaling and making a recycled, somewhat half-assed toy commercial movie.

"Hang on, guys. They put a toll booth right in front of
Endor. Who's got change?"

C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) are sent by the Rebels and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) to crime lord Jabba the Hutt's (Four Puppeteers) palace on Tatooine in a trade bargain made by Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) to rescue the carbon-frozen Han Solo (Harrison Ford)... but for some reason, they waited a full year to do so. Han has such loyal friends. Disguised as a bounty hunter herself and I guess dissatisfied with the rate C-3PO and R2-D2 are rescuing Han, Princess Leia infiltrates the palace under the pretense of collecting the bounty on Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and unfreezes Han but is caught and enslaved. Luke, realizing his teammates are a bunch of fuck ups, soon arrives to bargain for his friends' release, but Jabba drops him through a trapdoor to be executed by a rancor. After Luke outwits and kills the rancor, Jabba sentences him, Han, and Chewbacca to death by being fed to the Sarlacc, a huge, carnivorous plant-like desert beast. Before the Special Edition, it was just a hole in the ground with teeth and two tentacles. After, it looks like a bird-thing got stuck in the ground. Having hidden his new green-bladed lightsaber inside R2-D2, Luke frees himself and battles Jabba's guards while Leia uses her chains to strangle Jabba to death. Luke does some pretty not Jedi shit here, hacking and slicing dudes to death. Remember Anakin saying that beheading a Sith Lord "was not the Jedi way"? Well Luke Skywalker egregiously disagrees. As the others rendezvous with the Rebel Alliance, Luke returns to Dagobah to complete his training with Yoda (Frank Oz), whom he finds is dying. Yoda confirms that Darth Vader (David Prowse, voiced by James Earl Jones), once known as Anakin Skywalker (Sebastian Shaw NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN), is Luke's father, and becomes one with the Force. The Force ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sir Alec "Gimme My Cheque Pls" Guinness) reveals that Leia is Luke's twin sister, and tells Luke that he must face Vader again to finish his training and defeat the Empire.

"Great, I get to sit here naked with a droid, a giant slug,
and a guy who's penis is coming out of his head. Why didn't
I go into acting sooner?"

Meanwhile, the Rebel Alliance learns that the Empire has lazily rehashed a second Death Star under the supervision of the Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) himself. As the station is protected by an energy shield, Han leads a strike team to destroy the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor; doing so would allow a squadron of starfighters to destroy the Death Star from the inside. So, a slight tweak on something that has already been done... and in The Force Awakens, will be done again. Where did the Empire get the materials to build a second Death Star that's reportedly nine times bigger than the original? Why do they include more vulnerabilities than ever in the second one? Why does the side-plot that isn't Luke, Vader and Emperor related barely keep my interest? All these questions and others are never answered. Bon appetit. Anywho, Lukeand Leia accompany the strike team to Endor in a stolen Imperial shuttle. Luke and his companions encounter a tribe of Ewoks and, after an initial conflict, gain their trust. Later, Luke tells Leia that she is his sister, Vader is their father, and that he must confront him. Surrendering to Imperial troops, he is brought before Vader, and fails to convince his father to reject the dark side of the Force. Imagine what a movie would it be if Vader was just like "Huh, you know what? Yeah. The Empire can get fucked."

"Hurry up and die, Skywalker! If the electricity doesn't
kill you, your power bill will!"

Vader takes Luke to the Death Star to meet the Emperor, intending to turn him to the dark side. *Gasp* The Emperor reveals that the Imperial forces are prepared for a Rebel assault on the shield generator and that the Rebel Fleet will fall into a trap *Double gasp*. On the forest moon of Endor, Han's team is captured by Imperial forces *Triple gasp*, but a counterattack by the Ewoks allow the Rebels to infiltrate the shield generator *Exhales*. Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) in the Millennium Falcon and Admiral Ackbar (Tim Rose, voiced by Erik Bauersfeld) lead the rebel assault on the second Death Star only to find that the Death Star's shield is still active, and the Imperial fleet waits for them. The Emperor reveals to Luke that the Death Star is fully operational and orders the firing of its massive superlaser... somehow becoming operational only partially constructed while the old Death Star was fully-constructed before it became operational... destroying one of the Rebel star ships. The Emperor tempts Luke to give in to his anger. Luke attacks him, but Vader intervenes and the two engage in another lightsaber duel. Vader senses that Luke has a sister and threatens to turn her to the dark side. Again, it would've been darker to threaten to kill her so Luke would turn... but hey, kid's movie has to kid's movie. Enraged, Luke severs Vader's prosthetic hand... what an asshole. The Emperor entreats Luke to kill Vader and take his place, but Luke refuses, declaring himself a Jedi like his father before him... Um, given your previous behavior, that's highly debatable. Furious, the Emperor tortures Luke with Force lightning. A new and cool thing back then, overblown and redundant when ANYBODY could do it nowadays. Unwilling to let his son die, Vader throws the Emperor down a reactor shaft to his death but is mortally electrocuted in the process. At his father's last request, Luke removes Vader's mask, and the redeemed Anakin Skywalker (NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN) dies in his son's arms.

You and your buddy returning to your apartment at 4a
after drinking 22 Long Island Ice Teas

After the strike team destroys the shield generator, Lando leads a group of Rebel fighters into the Death Star's core, and yeah you know where this is going. While the Rebel fleet destroys the Super Star Destroyer Executor, Lando and X-wing fighter pilot Wedge Antilles (Denis Lawson) destroy the Death Star's main reactor. As the Falcon escapes the Death Star's superstructure and Luke escapes on a shuttle with his father's body, the station explodes. On the Forest Moon of Endor, Leia reveals to Han that Luke is her brother, and she and Han kiss. Luke cremates his father's body on a pyre before reuniting with his friends. As the Rebels and the galaxy celebrate the fall of the Empire, Luke sees the spirits of Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Anakin (NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN) watching over him........ and so begins the dreaded sequel trilogy.

So that was Return of the Jedi, the follow up to The Empire Strikes Back. How does it hold up? Oh, from a regular sci-fi movie standpoint, it's still one of the greatest of all time, but that's now how we're looking at it. I've already talked about the fact that Return of the Jedi had the potential to be on par with The Empire Strikes Back in terms of character-driven narrative and emotional impacts and instead just wasn't. Hell, even the original producer of Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back bolted when he realized that the tone and ultimate direction of Return of the Jedi was a sinking ship. I wrote all about it in the editorial I've tied to this blog, "From Filmmaking to Toymaking: The Downfall of Return of the Jedi", which you can read here, here, and here... in that order. George clearly was taking Star Wars in a more toyetic direciton and Gary Kurtz wasn't having any of that sass, and because of it, as a character-driven film? Return of the Jedi is pretty weak. At least when it's not pertaining to Luke, Vader and the Emperor... without them this movie would be totally run-of-the-mill sci-fi snuff.

"Luke, did you really kill the Emperor?" "Don't worry, Han.
I got a feeling they'll just retcon the shit out of this."

Now, as a Star Wars movie... it's still pretty darn good. The opening bit with Vader lecturing Grand Moff Jerjerrod like a parent, The Sail Barge Assault, literally every single aspect of the story arc with Luke/Vader/The Emperor, the final shootout inside of the Death Star II, even the rancor battle is memorable. Other than that? The Jabba the Hutt filler? The recycle Death Star II story? Han, Leia, Chewie, the Droids and Lando all taking a backseat on some jobber mission to disable a shield generator? Yeah, makes this a pretty weak conclusion to the original trilogy and honestly not such a great follow up to The Empire Strikes Back. However, that's not to say it's a bad movie. Far from it. It's still just as good as it ever was, I'm just seeing a lot of things as an adult for the first time. I enjoy it more than most of the other movies, clearly, and Luke Skywalker with his green lightsaber is still arguably my favorite Jedi. It's still a great movie, just not maybe as great as it could have been. Something that I've read about in the years since loving it and realizing that yeah, I guess what we got wasn't what it could have been... and the lingering thought of "what if" still haunts a lot of those from the production of Jedi to this day.

Nevertheless, you should watch Return of the Jedi... probably after you've seen the first two, though. Clearly. Otherwise you're going to be completely lost. Never start with the third movie. Hang in there, y'all! We only have three more to go!