A Re-Review of "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"

These two men did more for America in the 1980s than Reaganomics ever did.

Wow, dudes and dudettes! It's time for us to take yet another breather from Star Wars rankings and go for a blast to the past back to... the 1980s! What? Again? Jeez, don't I like movies from any other decade?Well yes... but in short bursts. So "What's so special about this review?" I hear you cry out, sighing into your beer can or wine glass as you wonder why you're reading my personal blog and not out doing fun things.

Hello, I'm George Carlin... and I've come from the future
to tell you the seven words you can now say on TV.

Well as you may or may not have heard there is a movie out tomorrow called Bill & Ted Face the Music. It will be the third film in the Bill & Ted trilogy, something I never thought I'd ever live to get to say. If you remember my running of Cody's Top 30 Favorite Movies of All Time... and I won't blame you if you don't, you'll see that at the number eleven spot is a little family movie from 1989 called Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. What is that? What kind of title is that? What's that even about? Well... waaaaay back in 2014, this blog of mine Spoiler Alert! was actually founded by a review of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. That's how far back my love for these movies goes. In fact, it goes back even farther than that. I first discovered these movies in the early 2000s and have watched them religiously ever since then. As with many of my favorite movies, I can quote entire passages and have memorized more than enough useless phrases from the movie to alienate both women and potential job employers until Judgment Day. So why... why do I love this movie about two high school California burnouts who inherit a time-traveling phone booth from a sage from the future to go back in time, kidnap historical figures and bring them to the present so they can simply pass their high school history report?

This is how you and your friend looked at that one
weird kid in high school that wouldn't leave either
of you alone and you KNOW IT.

Doesn't the plot I just explained sound attention-grabbing enough? Strap into your favorite time-traveling phone booth that isn't some T.A.R.D.I.S. and we'll get blasted off back in time! To celebrate the release of Bill & Ted Face the Music, this is my re-review of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, a movie that teaches us you don't have to spell to be able to rewrite history... oh and that every historical figure from Socrates and Genghis Khan to Napoleon and Abe Lincoln were all apparently morons.

Following a bizarre opening title sequence to some random band's cheesy-yet-catchy pop tune (An 80s staple... seriously YouTube has trouble finding out who Big Pig even is), we find ourselves in the year 2688, where humanity exists as a utopian society due to the inspiration of the music and philosophy of the Two Great Ones, Bill S. Preston, Esq. (Alex Winter), and Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keanu Reeves). One of the citizens, Rufus (George Carlin), is tasked by the leaders to travel seven hundred years back to San Dimas, California, in 1988 using a time machine shaped like a phone booth (Yeah that's right, eat shit UK) to ensure that the young Bill and Ted, then dim-witted high school students, successfully pass a history class. Should they fail, Ted's father, police captain Jonathan Logan (Hal Landon, Jr.) plans to ship Ted to a military academy in Alaska, ending Bill & Ted's fledgling band, the "Wyld Stallyns", and altering history. Some people argue that if standard time travel rules apply, Rufus wouldn't need to go back as the utopian future appears to exist just fine so if history happens like it does without his interference, Bill and Ted will pass history class just fine... but what people fail to think about is Bill and Ted only pass history class because of Rufus. Time travel be whack, yo.

These guys look like the A-Team if the guy who
created the A-Team was high on LSD.

Rufus finds the two teenagers struggling to finish their history paper, which tasks them to describe how three historical figures would view the present San Dimas (which after going to college seems like the easiest fucking paper ever to determine an entire History grade from), trying to obtain help from customers at a local Circle K convenience store. Rufus initially has difficulty convincing the two of his help when a copy of the phone booth time machine arrives, and versions of Bill and Ted from some hours in the future step out. They are able to convince their earlier selves that Rufus can be trusted by correctly guessing the number the two were thinking of: sixty-nine. The future Bill and Ted briefly discuss their situation with Rufus before disappearing. Remember this bit, this will come into play in the future. I... I mean as you read on, not in the movie's future... or the movie's depiction of the future. You know what? Scratch that.

Rufus offers the pair a demonstration of the time machine, taking them back to 1805 where they find Napoleon Bonaparte (Terry Camilleri) leading his forces against Austria. As Rufus, Bill and Ted depart back to the present, Napoleon is thrown by a cannonball explosion into their wake, and is dragged through the Circuits of Time to the present. Rufus takes a moment to explain that time will continue to progress normally for Bill and Ted and they cannot miss their class presentation the next day, and then departs, leaving the empty time machine for the two. Obviously, if you're a complete nerd like me... you know this plot point makes no sense as Bill and Ted have a device which literally can arrive at any point in time at their fingertips. A "time crunch" or "running clock" narrative makes no sense in this instance as Bill and Ted both have literally as much time as they need to complete their mission. But hey, it's a fun dumb family movie... so suck it, me. Anywho, as Bill and Ted discuss where to go next, they discover Napoleon stuck in a nearby tree. This gives them the idea of kidnapping historical figures and bringing them to the present to complete their report. They leave Napoleon with Ted's younger brother Deacon (Frazier Bain) before travelling.

"Hello, I am Sigmund Freud. You are looking at this
corn dog and thinking sexual thoughts
about your mother. Tell me about her."

The two are able to successfully befriend famous Western outlaw Billy the Kid (Dan Shor) and one of Ancient Greek's favorite philosophers Socrates (Tony Steedman), before stopping in 15th century England, where they become infatuated with Princesses Elizabeth (Diane Franklin) and Joanna (Kimberley LaBelle). This leads to them getting in trouble with their father the King, but Billy and Socrates rescue the pair, and the four escape, though the booth is partially damaged on their departure. In a pretty sweet scene musically, they end up in the far future, discovering the society based on their influence, and are inspired to complete their report with "extra credit" by kidnapping additional historical figures: Mommy-hound Sigmund Freud (Rod Loomis), Bon Jovi's latest fan Ludwig van Beethoven (Clifford David), mass-murderer and father to many turned cute Twinkie fanatic Genghis Khan (Al Leong), French militant turned gym and aerobics student Joan of Arc (Jane Wiedlin), and Abraham Lincoln. I would say Abe "goes from the President of the United States to being an complete nimrod" but... yeah, that's not really an outlandish insult anymore). After a brief stop in prehistoric times to repair the booth, Bill and Ted program the machine to return to the present, but end up outside the Circle K on the night before, where Rufus was introducing himself to them... and thus the time-travel narrative comes full circle. God I love that. Bill and Ted convince their earlier selves of Rufus' trustworthiness, and then are reminded by Rufus of how to get to the next day.

In 2020, they'd have to say "be excellent to everyone"
followed by "Party on, person"... much less 2688.

When they arrive, Ted learns that Deacon has ditched Napoleon and left him wandering San Dimas, 1988 by himself. They leave the other historical figures at the local mall to learn about San Dimas while they seek out Napoleon at a local water park, "Waterloop" (DO YA GET IT?). While gone, the historical figures get into trouble and are arrested by Captain Logan. Bill and Ted execute an escape plan based on using the time machine in the future to set up what they need in the present. Don't ask, I love this movie like cinnamon-apple pie and yet I don't understand why they went this route, but if it works it works, I guess. With all their historical figures recollected and with no preparation whatsoever, in typical 80's fashion the two give their presentation to the school, which is a rousing success, allowing them to pass the course. Some time later, Rufus returns to Bill and Ted, presenting them with the two princesses before they were committed to pre-arranged marriages to "The Royal Ugly Dudes", noting that the two women will also be part of Wyld Stallyns band, it turns out. Rufus asks to join the group as they play, but upon hearing their cacophony of music, admits to the audience that "they do get better"...

This is probably how Napoleon ogled and dreamed of Russia.
*EPIC HISTORY JOKE*

What's to love about Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? Aside from the fact that it's yet another one of those weird 80s movies that is stained with 80s nostalgia all over it and yet somehow remains completely fresh and timeless for today's audiences, it's got comedy, adventure, and two goofy leads from then two relatively unknown actors. Keanu Reeves as we all know would go on to have a major Hollywood career starring as Neo in The Matrix trilogy, playing Jonathan Harker in Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula (Yeah you read that right) as well as cop-turned-undercover-surfer Johnny Utah in Point Break. Obviously people know him nowadays as John Wick in... well... John Wick; that's like his big thing that he's in now. Don't kill a dog around Ted "Theodore" Logan, man. As for Alex Winter, he chose a quieter life and opted to direct more movies than act... and as for George Carlin? Well, we all know who George Carlin is and how his presence as Rufus really shapes the movie's narrative. Not to mention, their depiction of the historical figures that Bill and Ted take with them are all pretty ridiculously funny as well. The crowning achievement is watching them behave at the San Dimas shopping mall. There's a scene where Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid, and Socrates are trying to pick up local women at the shopping mall (Remember shopping malls?) and failing hysterically. Genghis Khan destroys a sporting goods store, skating around dodging guards and beating the tar out of mannequins. Beethoven hijacks a music store and uses it to play Extreme's "Play With Me" before being escorted out. The mall scene is total fun.

Could you imagine wearing headphones that looked
like you were trying to connect your brain to your Wi-Fi?

Aside from the elements that don't make any sense, like the ending and having to place things somewhere in the future so that they're useful in the present or... whatever... and the running clock narrative, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is one hell of a classic movie and staple of comedies, sci-fi's, and farces. While not one of the "ribald duo" movies we're prone to like Harold and Kumar or Jay and Silent Bob, Bill and Ted were the grand-daddies of buddy adventure films. Well... maybe just daddies after Abbott and Costello... how old am I? But still, this movie leaves you with good vibes and satisfied after a (dare I say it?) Excellent Adventure, whereas the raunchy buddy duo movies of today just leave you laughing. Just two idiot best friends who stick together as they go on a great adventure through time. Harold Kumar only went to White Castle (and Guantanamo Bay), Jay and Silent Bob went to Hollywood... twice... but Bill and Ted went to the past and future. Definitely check this movie out if you haven't. If you already have and it's been a while, check it out again. If you already have just yesterday, check it out again... or just rewatch some clips on YouTube like a normal person. You'll love it.

We've seen what Bill and Ted can do when they have an excellent adventure through time... but what if they were to have one bogus journey to the afterlife? Stay tuned...