A Re-Review of "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey"

This is immediately following "...and gentlemen, what we have here is Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper."

Welcome back. Well if you're keeping track, today is the day that Bill & Ted Face the Music hits the airwaves. You can stream it or, if you're lucky enough to live in a city/region whose government listened to scientists and made sure the spread of COVID-19 was contained effectively so that your way of life could be restored back to normal ASAP, you can go catch it in theaters! However, before you do, you have to get the rest of the way up to speed. Yesterday we talked about and reviewed the movie that started it all, 1989's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Well, that was big enough success to warrant a sequel be made. Now, what could a sequel to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure possibly even be about? How would you up the ante? Would Bill and Ted have to travel back in time to collect historical documents instead of figures? Would they have to travel forward in time to write a thesis on where they think the world is going? What would possibly happen to these two knuckleheads?

"Bill, I'm seeing double!" "Me too, Bill" "What'd you
say, Ted?" "I didn't say anything Ted, Bill did." "That's
right, Ted!" "Thanks, Bill!" *Air guitars*

Well... the sequel is nothing like any of that. This is 1991's Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, a movie that teaches us sequels can be whatever the hell they want, deviate in tone as far as humanly possible, and be bat-shit insane when compared to the original. Yes, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey is one dark sequel to such a family-friendly movie. Still, this one is technically a family movie too, but it's just so outlandishly weird while maintaining an astonishingly dark, artistically driven yet dementedly comedic narrative. If Excellent Adventure was a straight-up start-to-finish family movie, this one is also a family movie... but is in no way straightforward. It's so outlandish its hilarious. If there's a sequel in the world that is nothing like its original and arguably still upholds as debatably just as good as the original, this is it. So let's get into why Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, despite its absolutely baffling presentation, is one of the top-notch sequels of the modern era. Cue Winger's "Battle Stations", we're going in!

The music of Bill and Ted's band, Wyld Stallyns, has created a utopian future society. In the year 2691, former gym teacher turned terrorist Chuck De Nomolos (Joss Ackland) attacks the Bill & Ted University and steals a time-traveling phone booth, intending to alter the history of what he considers to be a foolish and frivolous society by sending evil robot replicas, Evil Bill (Alex Winter) and Evil Ted (Keanu Reeves) back to the late 20th century to prevent the originals from winning the San Dimas Battle of the Bands. How do they plan on doing this? By murdering Bill and Ted, taking over their lives, and giving a speech to dismantle world peace after they win the contest in the originals' place. The class's lecturer Rufus (George Carlin) attempts to stop De Nomolos but seemingly becomes lost in the circuits of time. See? Not even ten minutes in and we're all about evil robots and exercising the ability of murder. Clearly this movie's on the same wavelength as the first one. NOT. Wait, that was Wayne's World. Forget that one.

These animatronic puppets look like you microwaved
troll dolls and tried to fix it with Play-Doh.

Two years after their adventure through time, the Wyld Stallyns are auditioning for the aforementioned upcoming Battle of the Bands. Though Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted's (Keanu Reeves) current girlfriends and former 15th-century princesses Joanna (Sarah Trigger) and Elizabeth (Annette Azcuy) have become skilled musicians, Bill and Ted are still inept. Despite this, the organizer, Ms. Wardroe (Pam Grier) assures them a slot in the contest as the final act, hoping everyone who would judge the contest would have already gone home by that point. Following a 521st birthday party for the Princesses, Bill and Ted propose to Joanna and Elizabeth right as the evil robots arrive from the future. After luring the real Bill and Ted away to Vasquez Rocks as a ruse to speak to the Princesses, the evil Bill and Ted robots murder the real Bill and Ted by throwing the two over the side of a cliff. The robots then begin working to ruin the duo’s eventual fame along with their relationships with their fiancés.

"Bill, you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"
"Yeah, Ted! Death is always watching."
"No, dummy! That's Santa Claus!"

In the afterlife, Bill and Ted's souls are met by Death (William Sadler) who says they may challenge him in a game for their souls, but warns that nobody has ever won. It's just like the plot device used in The Seventh Seal, known in native Sweden as Det sjunde inseglet) where Antonius plays Death at chess in exchange for his life back. Bill and Ted escape after giving Death a "melvin", known colloquially as a "wedgie", and are unsuccessful at alerting the police through possession of Ted's father Capt. Jonathan Logan (Hal Landon, Jr.) and a deputy, eventually cast down into Hell at a séance held by formerly Bill's, now Ted's stepmother Missy (Amy Stock-Poynton). In what is the darkest, weirdest, and outright most unsettling twist in the movie, Bill and Ted are then tormented by Satan through three nightmarish displays of Bill's and Ted's personal Hells; they are worked to death by Col. Oats (Chelcie Ross) of the Alaskan Military Academy, Ted relives stealing his younger brother Deacon's Easter basket and being stalked by a demon bunny rabbit while Bill faces a horrific Hell of having to kiss his nasty, dying, hairy grandmother, Granny S. Preston, Esq. (also Alex Winter). Forced to face their own fears, the duo realize their only escape is to take Death's offer, who appears and allows them to choose a game. To Death’s dismay, unlike The Seventh Seal Bill and Ted select modern games like Battleship, Clue, NFL Super Bowl Electric Football and Twister. Death is beaten every time, so in the end he reluctantly admits defeat and places himself at Bill and Ted's command. The playing of Death at modern board games is a hilarious little twist on the plot device from The Seventh Seal. Death screaming "You have sahnk my bittleship" in his Ukrainian accent is hilarious to me.

"Bill, look at these kids we found from the future!"
"Woah, excellent!" *Air guitars*

Realizing they need to locate the smartest person in the universe to help build robots to counter De Nomolos' evil robots, Death escorts Bill and Ted to Heaven where they are directed by God to a deceased Martian duo named Station (voiced by Frank Welker) who readily agrees to help the group. Yeah that's right, a Martian in human heaven. Take that, evangelicals! How do you like them apples? Actually maybe the Bible talks about the planet Mars, I have no idea. On the eve of the Battle of the Bands, Bill and Ted return to the mortal world and race to the concert as Station constructs benevolent robot versions of themselves from supplies picked up at a hardware store, Good Robot Bill (Michael "Shrimp" Chambers) and Good Robot Ted (Bruno "Taco" Falcon). Elsewhere, Evil Bill and Ted abduct Joanna and Elizabeth and tie them high above the stage at the Battle of the Bands, intending to drop them and murder them as well at the finale of their stage performance. It's too late, as the real Bill and Ted arrive just as the Evil Bill and Ted take the stage; the benevolent robots easily defeat their evil counterparts... fucking somehow... and Joanna and Elizabeth are lowered by Station before their ropes break. De Nomolos appears in the time booth prepared to kill Bill and Ted himself, overriding the broadcasting equipment to send a live feed of their confrontation across the entire planet. Bill and Ted deduce that they can go back in time following the encounter to arrange events for De Nomolos to be captured in the present; though De Nomolos attempts to do the same, Bill and Ted gain the upper hand by explaining that it is only the winners who get to go back. This part makes no sense, and if you read my post from yesterday, they did it in the first movie too. De Nomolos literally has them at gunpoint, and Bill and Ted simply say they'll defeat De Nomolos, go back in time to set up stuff to beat him now, but how did they beat him now so they can help their past selves beat them then? Oh the hell knows. It's almost over anyway. After De Nomolos is distracted by Death and arrested by Ted's father, Ms. Wardroe reveals herself to be a disguised Rufus... somehow disrobing Pam Grier's skin into George Carlin, which also doesn't make a lick of sense, who urges them to play.

Satan watching over Hell... that or Steve Bannon waiting
for his next inevitable prosecution. One of the two.

Acknowledging that they are still terrible musicians, Bill and Ted decide to use the time booth and immediately return to the auditorium, Bill looking like Billy Gibbons and Ted looking like Gilby Clarke, along with their families which now include Little Bill (Candace Mead) and Little Ted (Lauren Mead) after spending sixteen months of intense guitar training along with a two-week honeymoon. Now fathers, Bill and Ted are joined by Death on bass, the Stations on bongos, and the Good Robot Bill and Ted on stage as backup dancers, Wyld Stallyns perform a stunning rock ballad (Steve Vai's "Final Guitar Solo" which leads into Kiss's "God Gave Rock n' Roll To You II") as the worldwide broadcast sent by De Nomolos continues, broadcasting their music across the globe and creating seven hundred years of harmony. Following their win at the Battle of the Bands, Wyld Stallyns encounter many perks of fame that help them to fulfill their destinies and create their utopian society with their music, eventually taking their act to Mars.

"Death did you just fart?"
"I deed, Bill. Silent but--"
"--but deadly, yeah we know."

So compared to the first film, how does Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey hold up? Well obviously, mentioned before, it went the sequel route that many did and went much darker than the original, but this movie has some kind of charm from its witty, inept goofiness. Aside from literally killing such lovable schlubs like Bill and Ted and sending them to Hell for a nightmarish portrayal of afterlife torture, they also show a Martian scientist using common household hardware to build animatronic robots to aid them in conquering evil cyborgs built to resemble them. Not to mention, the literal Grim Reaper follows them around and becomes a member in their band, Wyld Stallyns. The movie is just a ton of bizarre fun, unlike the first film which was pretty straightforward fun. If you ask a lot of people, they'll name this one as their favorite, simply for its memorable moments and characters. Its scenery, its lines, and its soundtrack. Like Excellent Adventure, the movie had a pretty sweet soundtrack, including Winger's "Battle Stations", Primus's "Tommy the Cat", and of course, Kiss's "God Gave Rock 'n Roll To You II". In the movie they used Steve Vai's "Final Guitar Solo" as the lead in, and I think that's the best cut.

To me? This one's just as great as Excellent Adventure. Excellent Adventure could appeal to anybody, but this one has an acquired taste. It's so out there, you gotta love it. The scenes involving Death are re-watchable as all get out, I quote Death every time I play Battleship or... well... really any board game. It even gave us a euphoric ending that showed that Bill and Ted literally changed the world as wherever Wyld Stallyns play, the DOW skyrockets. Air guitars were found to eliminate smog. The rumored Wyld Stallyns' break-up even dries out rivers and blackens skies. Read the newspapers at the end, they're just as much apart of the adventure as the movie is. Check out Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. It's sick, twisted, humorous, and downright enjoyable. A worthy sequel indeed.

Speaking of "worthy sequels", I think it's high-time I watch Bill & Ted Face the Music, the long-awaited sequel. A movie I've waited for for far too long. I'll report back with how much I love it, no doubt.

A Re-Review of "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"

These two men did more for America in the 1980s than Reaganomics ever did.

Wow, dudes and dudettes! It's time for us to take yet another breather from Star Wars rankings and go for a blast to the past back to... the 1980s! What? Again? Jeez, don't I like movies from any other decade?Well yes... but in short bursts. So "What's so special about this review?" I hear you cry out, sighing into your beer can or wine glass as you wonder why you're reading my personal blog and not out doing fun things.

Hello, I'm George Carlin... and I've come from the future
to tell you the seven words you can now say on TV.

Well as you may or may not have heard there is a movie out tomorrow called Bill & Ted Face the Music. It will be the third film in the Bill & Ted trilogy, something I never thought I'd ever live to get to say. If you remember my running of Cody's Top 30 Favorite Movies of All Time... and I won't blame you if you don't, you'll see that at the number eleven spot is a little family movie from 1989 called Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. What is that? What kind of title is that? What's that even about? Well... waaaaay back in 2014, this blog of mine Spoiler Alert! was actually founded by a review of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. That's how far back my love for these movies goes. In fact, it goes back even farther than that. I first discovered these movies in the early 2000s and have watched them religiously ever since then. As with many of my favorite movies, I can quote entire passages and have memorized more than enough useless phrases from the movie to alienate both women and potential job employers until Judgment Day. So why... why do I love this movie about two high school California burnouts who inherit a time-traveling phone booth from a sage from the future to go back in time, kidnap historical figures and bring them to the present so they can simply pass their high school history report?

This is how you and your friend looked at that one
weird kid in high school that wouldn't leave either
of you alone and you KNOW IT.

Doesn't the plot I just explained sound attention-grabbing enough? Strap into your favorite time-traveling phone booth that isn't some T.A.R.D.I.S. and we'll get blasted off back in time! To celebrate the release of Bill & Ted Face the Music, this is my re-review of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, a movie that teaches us you don't have to spell to be able to rewrite history... oh and that every historical figure from Socrates and Genghis Khan to Napoleon and Abe Lincoln were all apparently morons.

Following a bizarre opening title sequence to some random band's cheesy-yet-catchy pop tune (An 80s staple... seriously YouTube has trouble finding out who Big Pig even is), we find ourselves in the year 2688, where humanity exists as a utopian society due to the inspiration of the music and philosophy of the Two Great Ones, Bill S. Preston, Esq. (Alex Winter), and Ted "Theodore" Logan (Keanu Reeves). One of the citizens, Rufus (George Carlin), is tasked by the leaders to travel seven hundred years back to San Dimas, California, in 1988 using a time machine shaped like a phone booth (Yeah that's right, eat shit UK) to ensure that the young Bill and Ted, then dim-witted high school students, successfully pass a history class. Should they fail, Ted's father, police captain Jonathan Logan (Hal Landon, Jr.) plans to ship Ted to a military academy in Alaska, ending Bill & Ted's fledgling band, the "Wyld Stallyns", and altering history. Some people argue that if standard time travel rules apply, Rufus wouldn't need to go back as the utopian future appears to exist just fine so if history happens like it does without his interference, Bill and Ted will pass history class just fine... but what people fail to think about is Bill and Ted only pass history class because of Rufus. Time travel be whack, yo.

These guys look like the A-Team if the guy who
created the A-Team was high on LSD.

Rufus finds the two teenagers struggling to finish their history paper, which tasks them to describe how three historical figures would view the present San Dimas (which after going to college seems like the easiest fucking paper ever to determine an entire History grade from), trying to obtain help from customers at a local Circle K convenience store. Rufus initially has difficulty convincing the two of his help when a copy of the phone booth time machine arrives, and versions of Bill and Ted from some hours in the future step out. They are able to convince their earlier selves that Rufus can be trusted by correctly guessing the number the two were thinking of: sixty-nine. The future Bill and Ted briefly discuss their situation with Rufus before disappearing. Remember this bit, this will come into play in the future. I... I mean as you read on, not in the movie's future... or the movie's depiction of the future. You know what? Scratch that.

Rufus offers the pair a demonstration of the time machine, taking them back to 1805 where they find Napoleon Bonaparte (Terry Camilleri) leading his forces against Austria. As Rufus, Bill and Ted depart back to the present, Napoleon is thrown by a cannonball explosion into their wake, and is dragged through the Circuits of Time to the present. Rufus takes a moment to explain that time will continue to progress normally for Bill and Ted and they cannot miss their class presentation the next day, and then departs, leaving the empty time machine for the two. Obviously, if you're a complete nerd like me... you know this plot point makes no sense as Bill and Ted have a device which literally can arrive at any point in time at their fingertips. A "time crunch" or "running clock" narrative makes no sense in this instance as Bill and Ted both have literally as much time as they need to complete their mission. But hey, it's a fun dumb family movie... so suck it, me. Anywho, as Bill and Ted discuss where to go next, they discover Napoleon stuck in a nearby tree. This gives them the idea of kidnapping historical figures and bringing them to the present to complete their report. They leave Napoleon with Ted's younger brother Deacon (Frazier Bain) before travelling.

"Hello, I am Sigmund Freud. You are looking at this
corn dog and thinking sexual thoughts
about your mother. Tell me about her."

The two are able to successfully befriend famous Western outlaw Billy the Kid (Dan Shor) and one of Ancient Greek's favorite philosophers Socrates (Tony Steedman), before stopping in 15th century England, where they become infatuated with Princesses Elizabeth (Diane Franklin) and Joanna (Kimberley LaBelle). This leads to them getting in trouble with their father the King, but Billy and Socrates rescue the pair, and the four escape, though the booth is partially damaged on their departure. In a pretty sweet scene musically, they end up in the far future, discovering the society based on their influence, and are inspired to complete their report with "extra credit" by kidnapping additional historical figures: Mommy-hound Sigmund Freud (Rod Loomis), Bon Jovi's latest fan Ludwig van Beethoven (Clifford David), mass-murderer and father to many turned cute Twinkie fanatic Genghis Khan (Al Leong), French militant turned gym and aerobics student Joan of Arc (Jane Wiedlin), and Abraham Lincoln. I would say Abe "goes from the President of the United States to being an complete nimrod" but... yeah, that's not really an outlandish insult anymore). After a brief stop in prehistoric times to repair the booth, Bill and Ted program the machine to return to the present, but end up outside the Circle K on the night before, where Rufus was introducing himself to them... and thus the time-travel narrative comes full circle. God I love that. Bill and Ted convince their earlier selves of Rufus' trustworthiness, and then are reminded by Rufus of how to get to the next day.

In 2020, they'd have to say "be excellent to everyone"
followed by "Party on, person"... much less 2688.

When they arrive, Ted learns that Deacon has ditched Napoleon and left him wandering San Dimas, 1988 by himself. They leave the other historical figures at the local mall to learn about San Dimas while they seek out Napoleon at a local water park, "Waterloop" (DO YA GET IT?). While gone, the historical figures get into trouble and are arrested by Captain Logan. Bill and Ted execute an escape plan based on using the time machine in the future to set up what they need in the present. Don't ask, I love this movie like cinnamon-apple pie and yet I don't understand why they went this route, but if it works it works, I guess. With all their historical figures recollected and with no preparation whatsoever, in typical 80's fashion the two give their presentation to the school, which is a rousing success, allowing them to pass the course. Some time later, Rufus returns to Bill and Ted, presenting them with the two princesses before they were committed to pre-arranged marriages to "The Royal Ugly Dudes", noting that the two women will also be part of Wyld Stallyns band, it turns out. Rufus asks to join the group as they play, but upon hearing their cacophony of music, admits to the audience that "they do get better"...

This is probably how Napoleon ogled and dreamed of Russia.
*EPIC HISTORY JOKE*

What's to love about Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? Aside from the fact that it's yet another one of those weird 80s movies that is stained with 80s nostalgia all over it and yet somehow remains completely fresh and timeless for today's audiences, it's got comedy, adventure, and two goofy leads from then two relatively unknown actors. Keanu Reeves as we all know would go on to have a major Hollywood career starring as Neo in The Matrix trilogy, playing Jonathan Harker in Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula (Yeah you read that right) as well as cop-turned-undercover-surfer Johnny Utah in Point Break. Obviously people know him nowadays as John Wick in... well... John Wick; that's like his big thing that he's in now. Don't kill a dog around Ted "Theodore" Logan, man. As for Alex Winter, he chose a quieter life and opted to direct more movies than act... and as for George Carlin? Well, we all know who George Carlin is and how his presence as Rufus really shapes the movie's narrative. Not to mention, their depiction of the historical figures that Bill and Ted take with them are all pretty ridiculously funny as well. The crowning achievement is watching them behave at the San Dimas shopping mall. There's a scene where Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid, and Socrates are trying to pick up local women at the shopping mall (Remember shopping malls?) and failing hysterically. Genghis Khan destroys a sporting goods store, skating around dodging guards and beating the tar out of mannequins. Beethoven hijacks a music store and uses it to play Extreme's "Play With Me" before being escorted out. The mall scene is total fun.

Could you imagine wearing headphones that looked
like you were trying to connect your brain to your Wi-Fi?

Aside from the elements that don't make any sense, like the ending and having to place things somewhere in the future so that they're useful in the present or... whatever... and the running clock narrative, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is one hell of a classic movie and staple of comedies, sci-fi's, and farces. While not one of the "ribald duo" movies we're prone to like Harold and Kumar or Jay and Silent Bob, Bill and Ted were the grand-daddies of buddy adventure films. Well... maybe just daddies after Abbott and Costello... how old am I? But still, this movie leaves you with good vibes and satisfied after a (dare I say it?) Excellent Adventure, whereas the raunchy buddy duo movies of today just leave you laughing. Just two idiot best friends who stick together as they go on a great adventure through time. Harold Kumar only went to White Castle (and Guantanamo Bay), Jay and Silent Bob went to Hollywood... twice... but Bill and Ted went to the past and future. Definitely check this movie out if you haven't. If you already have and it's been a while, check it out again. If you already have just yesterday, check it out again... or just rewatch some clips on YouTube like a normal person. You'll love it.

We've seen what Bill and Ted can do when they have an excellent adventure through time... but what if they were to have one bogus journey to the afterlife? Stay tuned...

Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #4 - "Return of the Jedi"

Despite some mixed emotions, this still remains as one of the greatest sci-fi-fantasy films of all time.

Oh my goodness. I'll bet you were all like "Oh of course here's another schlub who thinks the Star Wars original trilogy are three untouchable, God-tier films that don't have any flaws like the other ones and are unquestionably the top of the top, cream of the crop, happy of the hour, too sweet to be sour kings of the entirety of the so-called 'Skywalker Saga'". Well while some of that was correct, I had to sit back and do some thinking, really ponder about which one I'd be more than likely to pop in if it came right down to it. The choice was simple... Return of the Jedi or Star Wars -Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? After some personal reflection, the choice was simple.

I always enjoyed this shot from the back of the VHS box
that looked like Luke's lightsaber blade was just freakin'
marker'd in.

At this current moment in time, I'd probably watch Episode III before Return of the Jedi. So in the case of this list, I'd have to put Return of the Jedi below Episode III. I know, "crazy" right? But why though? Isn't Episode III just as cheesily cartoony as the two dumb-shit prequels that came before it? Yes, but not to their degree. Isn't it just as poorly acted as the two lame-ass prequels that came before it? Sure, but not all the time like they are. Isn't it just as hokily written as the two... I'm running out of insults... mind-numbing prequels that came before it? Yeah, here and there it is... but you take those three things away and it's actually tells a really great ending to the prequel trilogy. Return of the Jedi meanwhile takes a bases-loaded, no outs situation and grounds out to short stop. Sure, a run still scored... but there was probably a double-play right there costing you two outs. It's good movie and arguably the better of the two made, but as an ending to a trilogy? It is pure dog breath awful. Plus... really think about the story in Return of the Jedi? Think about a story that's just as entertaining and gripping as the Luke/Vader/Emperor arc. Go ahead, I'll wait... I'll just be reading online conspiracy theories about the JFK assassination while I do.

...that's right. You got nothing. Let's review the one that had to suffer a defeat and get relegated to fourth place. Still top five. This is Return of the Jedi, the final chapter in the original Star Wars trilogy released in 1983, a movie that teaches us that all that character development and groundbreaking story in the world handed to you on a silver platter can't stop you from just relenting, back-pedaling and making a recycled, somewhat half-assed toy commercial movie.

"Hang on, guys. They put a toll booth right in front of
Endor. Who's got change?"

C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) are sent by the Rebels and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) to crime lord Jabba the Hutt's (Four Puppeteers) palace on Tatooine in a trade bargain made by Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) to rescue the carbon-frozen Han Solo (Harrison Ford)... but for some reason, they waited a full year to do so. Han has such loyal friends. Disguised as a bounty hunter herself and I guess dissatisfied with the rate C-3PO and R2-D2 are rescuing Han, Princess Leia infiltrates the palace under the pretense of collecting the bounty on Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and unfreezes Han but is caught and enslaved. Luke, realizing his teammates are a bunch of fuck ups, soon arrives to bargain for his friends' release, but Jabba drops him through a trapdoor to be executed by a rancor. After Luke outwits and kills the rancor, Jabba sentences him, Han, and Chewbacca to death by being fed to the Sarlacc, a huge, carnivorous plant-like desert beast. Before the Special Edition, it was just a hole in the ground with teeth and two tentacles. After, it looks like a bird-thing got stuck in the ground. Having hidden his new green-bladed lightsaber inside R2-D2, Luke frees himself and battles Jabba's guards while Leia uses her chains to strangle Jabba to death. Luke does some pretty not Jedi shit here, hacking and slicing dudes to death. Remember Anakin saying that beheading a Sith Lord "was not the Jedi way"? Well Luke Skywalker egregiously disagrees. As the others rendezvous with the Rebel Alliance, Luke returns to Dagobah to complete his training with Yoda (Frank Oz), whom he finds is dying. Yoda confirms that Darth Vader (David Prowse, voiced by James Earl Jones), once known as Anakin Skywalker (Sebastian Shaw NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN), is Luke's father, and becomes one with the Force. The Force ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sir Alec "Gimme My Cheque Pls" Guinness) reveals that Leia is Luke's twin sister, and tells Luke that he must face Vader again to finish his training and defeat the Empire.

"Great, I get to sit here naked with a droid, a giant slug,
and a guy who's penis is coming out of his head. Why didn't
I go into acting sooner?"

Meanwhile, the Rebel Alliance learns that the Empire has lazily rehashed a second Death Star under the supervision of the Emperor (Ian McDiarmid) himself. As the station is protected by an energy shield, Han leads a strike team to destroy the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor; doing so would allow a squadron of starfighters to destroy the Death Star from the inside. So, a slight tweak on something that has already been done... and in The Force Awakens, will be done again. Where did the Empire get the materials to build a second Death Star that's reportedly nine times bigger than the original? Why do they include more vulnerabilities than ever in the second one? Why does the side-plot that isn't Luke, Vader and Emperor related barely keep my interest? All these questions and others are never answered. Bon appetit. Anywho, Lukeand Leia accompany the strike team to Endor in a stolen Imperial shuttle. Luke and his companions encounter a tribe of Ewoks and, after an initial conflict, gain their trust. Later, Luke tells Leia that she is his sister, Vader is their father, and that he must confront him. Surrendering to Imperial troops, he is brought before Vader, and fails to convince his father to reject the dark side of the Force. Imagine what a movie would it be if Vader was just like "Huh, you know what? Yeah. The Empire can get fucked."

"Hurry up and die, Skywalker! If the electricity doesn't
kill you, your power bill will!"

Vader takes Luke to the Death Star to meet the Emperor, intending to turn him to the dark side. *Gasp* The Emperor reveals that the Imperial forces are prepared for a Rebel assault on the shield generator and that the Rebel Fleet will fall into a trap *Double gasp*. On the forest moon of Endor, Han's team is captured by Imperial forces *Triple gasp*, but a counterattack by the Ewoks allow the Rebels to infiltrate the shield generator *Exhales*. Meanwhile, Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) in the Millennium Falcon and Admiral Ackbar (Tim Rose, voiced by Erik Bauersfeld) lead the rebel assault on the second Death Star only to find that the Death Star's shield is still active, and the Imperial fleet waits for them. The Emperor reveals to Luke that the Death Star is fully operational and orders the firing of its massive superlaser... somehow becoming operational only partially constructed while the old Death Star was fully-constructed before it became operational... destroying one of the Rebel star ships. The Emperor tempts Luke to give in to his anger. Luke attacks him, but Vader intervenes and the two engage in another lightsaber duel. Vader senses that Luke has a sister and threatens to turn her to the dark side. Again, it would've been darker to threaten to kill her so Luke would turn... but hey, kid's movie has to kid's movie. Enraged, Luke severs Vader's prosthetic hand... what an asshole. The Emperor entreats Luke to kill Vader and take his place, but Luke refuses, declaring himself a Jedi like his father before him... Um, given your previous behavior, that's highly debatable. Furious, the Emperor tortures Luke with Force lightning. A new and cool thing back then, overblown and redundant when ANYBODY could do it nowadays. Unwilling to let his son die, Vader throws the Emperor down a reactor shaft to his death but is mortally electrocuted in the process. At his father's last request, Luke removes Vader's mask, and the redeemed Anakin Skywalker (NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN) dies in his son's arms.

You and your buddy returning to your apartment at 4a
after drinking 22 Long Island Ice Teas

After the strike team destroys the shield generator, Lando leads a group of Rebel fighters into the Death Star's core, and yeah you know where this is going. While the Rebel fleet destroys the Super Star Destroyer Executor, Lando and X-wing fighter pilot Wedge Antilles (Denis Lawson) destroy the Death Star's main reactor. As the Falcon escapes the Death Star's superstructure and Luke escapes on a shuttle with his father's body, the station explodes. On the Forest Moon of Endor, Leia reveals to Han that Luke is her brother, and she and Han kiss. Luke cremates his father's body on a pyre before reuniting with his friends. As the Rebels and the galaxy celebrate the fall of the Empire, Luke sees the spirits of Yoda, Obi-Wan, and Anakin (NOT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN) watching over him........ and so begins the dreaded sequel trilogy.

So that was Return of the Jedi, the follow up to The Empire Strikes Back. How does it hold up? Oh, from a regular sci-fi movie standpoint, it's still one of the greatest of all time, but that's now how we're looking at it. I've already talked about the fact that Return of the Jedi had the potential to be on par with The Empire Strikes Back in terms of character-driven narrative and emotional impacts and instead just wasn't. Hell, even the original producer of Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back bolted when he realized that the tone and ultimate direction of Return of the Jedi was a sinking ship. I wrote all about it in the editorial I've tied to this blog, "From Filmmaking to Toymaking: The Downfall of Return of the Jedi", which you can read here, here, and here... in that order. George clearly was taking Star Wars in a more toyetic direciton and Gary Kurtz wasn't having any of that sass, and because of it, as a character-driven film? Return of the Jedi is pretty weak. At least when it's not pertaining to Luke, Vader and the Emperor... without them this movie would be totally run-of-the-mill sci-fi snuff.

"Luke, did you really kill the Emperor?" "Don't worry, Han.
I got a feeling they'll just retcon the shit out of this."

Now, as a Star Wars movie... it's still pretty darn good. The opening bit with Vader lecturing Grand Moff Jerjerrod like a parent, The Sail Barge Assault, literally every single aspect of the story arc with Luke/Vader/The Emperor, the final shootout inside of the Death Star II, even the rancor battle is memorable. Other than that? The Jabba the Hutt filler? The recycle Death Star II story? Han, Leia, Chewie, the Droids and Lando all taking a backseat on some jobber mission to disable a shield generator? Yeah, makes this a pretty weak conclusion to the original trilogy and honestly not such a great follow up to The Empire Strikes Back. However, that's not to say it's a bad movie. Far from it. It's still just as good as it ever was, I'm just seeing a lot of things as an adult for the first time. I enjoy it more than most of the other movies, clearly, and Luke Skywalker with his green lightsaber is still arguably my favorite Jedi. It's still a great movie, just not maybe as great as it could have been. Something that I've read about in the years since loving it and realizing that yeah, I guess what we got wasn't what it could have been... and the lingering thought of "what if" still haunts a lot of those from the production of Jedi to this day.

Nevertheless, you should watch Return of the Jedi... probably after you've seen the first two, though. Clearly. Otherwise you're going to be completely lost. Never start with the third movie. Hang in there, y'all! We only have three more to go!

A Review of "Bone Tomahawk"

"Is that what I think it is?" "Yessir! I see the set of Lost!"

Yikes! I'm taking a detour. Every once in a while, a movie comes along that shakes me up and, due to its content, becomes either a movie I instantly detest or I instantly adore. The first time I saw Jeepers Creepers when I was real young, it scared me so much I instantly became obsessed with it and would watch it again anytime it was on TV. Similarly enough, this past weekend I was introduced to a movie called Bone Tomahawk, from 2015. If you haven't heard of this movie, you'd better check it out because it was pretty wild. Bone Tomahawk is a Western horror film written and directed by S. Craig Zahler, and it sports an all-star cast featuring Kurt Russell, Patrick Wilson, Matthew Fox, Richard Jenkins, David Arquette, and even Sid Haig in a brief role. The movie tells the story of a posse that sets out to rescue three kidnapped people from clan of vicious, cannibalistic troglodytes. So let's get rolling on what made this memorable. This is Bone Tomahawk: A movie that teaches us that if you think Saw is the most brutal thing you've ever seen, it's about time you put on your big boy pants.

The Scream/Devil's Rejects crossover looks pretty dope.

So the movie literally starts off showing two drifters, Purvis (David Arquette) and Buddy (Sid Haig), making a living robbing and killing travelers. Not even two minutes in and we're shown David Arquette practicing for his future role in Scream 5 by literally slicing a guy's neck. The camera even stays on this shot for a good ten seconds, watching David scissor-saw a guy's neck the whole time. It's wacky and it sure does sock you in the face to get you hooked. Their robbery doesn't last long when, spooked by the sound of approaching horses, they hide in the hills and encounter a Native American burial site. The movie remains nearly silent as Buddy is killed by an seldom seen brutal savage from the mountains as Purvis escapes.

Eleven days later, Purvis arrives in the small town of Bright Hope and buries his loot. Chicory (Richard Jenkins), backup deputy, notices him and reports to Sheriff Franklin Hunt (Kurt Russell). At the town's saloon, Hunt confronts Purvis. When asked his name, Purvis gives an alias, then tries to escape, only to be shot in the leg by Sheriff Hunt. Hunt sends John Brooder (Lost's Matthew Fox) to fetch the town's doctor. Meanwhile, foreman Arthur O'Dwyer (Patrick Wilson) rests at home with a broken leg, tended by his wife Samantha (Lili Simmons), the doctor's assistant. They literally bone in the first few minutes they're on screen, and when you look up the age of the two actors being twenty years apart, it makes it both awkwardly quirky as well as lovingly weird. As the doctor is drunk, Brooder calls on Samantha and escorts her to the jail to treat Purvis. Leaving Samantha with Purvis and his deputy Nick (Evan Jonigkeit), Hunt and the others return home. That night, at a stable house, a stable boy is murdered brutally by a unseen group of men.

"Mr. Russell! Can I have your autograph?"
*POW*

The murder is reported to Hunt, who investigates and finds the horses missing and the stable boy gutted, his entrails all over the stable floor. He goes to the jail and find it empty, with an arrow left behind. Hunt informs Arthur of the news. A local Native American man called "the professor" (Zahn McClarnon) examines the arrow and links it to a troglodyte clan. He warns Hunt that they are a group of cannibalistic savages who inhabit the "Valley of the Starving Men". Certain that Samantha, Nick, and Purvis had been captured by them, Hunt prepares to go after the clan along with Chicory and Brooder. Arthur, despite his broken leg, insists on accompanying them to find his wife. The movie then kind of slows down as Hunt explains they are "riding a five day ride in three days", and we're shown every step of the way. Sometimes to entertaining ends, sometimes not. Days into their ride, two Mexican strangers stumble across their camp. Fearing they are scouts for a raid, Brooder kills them instantly. They set up a cold camp at another spot. However, during the night, a group of raiders ambushes them, injures Brooder's horse and steals the rest. Brooder regretfully puts down his horse. The next day a fight breaks out between Brooder and Arthur, snapping Arthur's barley healed broken leg again and worsening its condition. In a tense scene, Chicory feeds him an opium truncate and uses a hammer to set the bone back in place. The group leaves him to recover and continue.

"Hey, wait; there's no Snake Plissken tattoo here..."

The movie picks up and escalates when Hunt, Chicory and Brooder arrive at the valley. The three men are injured by a volley of arrows. After killing two of the troglodyte attackers, Hunt and Chicory retreat, leaving Brooder, who is seriously injured and demands to be left behind. Brooder kills one attacker before being killed himself. The attackers capture Hunt and Chicory and imprison them in their cave. The men find Samantha, and an injured Nick, imprisoned in a nearby cage. They inform Hunt that the tribesmen have already killed and eaten Purvis. Then... a scene takes place that I still can't even describe just how brutally awesome it is to behold, and it was downright shocking to watch the first time I've seen. The clan returns to where they are being kept and drag Nick from his and Samantha's cell. Hunt pleads with Nick to wake up as he watches Nick be stripped naked. The clan holds Nick in place, allowing Nick to explain to Hunt that Purvis was a man who killed people and desecrated the savage clan's burial ground, and that he deserved to die. Hunt thanks him for telling him, but then it aaaaall falls apart. Grab your barf bag, ladies and gentlemen. You'll feel different after watching this next bit, believe me. Why? Well, after Nick explains this, the savages then brutally scalp Nick, shove his sliced-off scalp into his throat. That not enough? They then use a chiseled bone spike and hammer the scalp deep into Nick's throat, and yes... you hear all the noises and muffled screams from Nick... and if fucking that wasn't enough... I swear to God... they hold him up upside down by his ankles and the leader horrifically bisects Nick. If you don't know what bisection is, the cannibals literally use a tomahawk made from bone ("Bone Tomahawk" anyone?) and hack Nick right down the middle from in between his legs, and then they split him open and his innards fall out. It was absolutely brutal to watch but I'd be lying if I didn't cheer and salute the barbarous special effects.

"Oh so that's how autotune works."

So after you've survived that madness, an escape plan begins to form. Samantha estimates the number of hostile cannibals to be around twelve (reduced to nine earlier by Hunt's posse). Hunt realizes he has some opium tincture left over he confiscated from Arthur earlier to prevent him from overusing it. They trick several tribesmen into drinking it, however only one overdoses and dies while another becomes unconscious. Meanwhile, Arthur wakes up, limps along the men's trail and discovers the valley. He kills two tribesmen and notices an object embedded in their windpipes. After cutting one out... which I swear to God lasts way too long, like sixty seconds of him just slicing a bony object out of one of the troglodytes' throats. He realizes that it acts as a whistle. He blows on it, luring another tribesman close, then kills him. So far, Patrick Wilson (Arthur) has been the savior, executing these barbarians one after another. I was cheering like a motherfucker for him. In the cave, realizing two of their men were poisoned, the cannibalistic leader grows angry. He and another tribesman pull Hunt from his cell, cut open his abdomen... which he doesn't react to, surprisingly enough... and shove the opium flask (heated by the fire) into the wound, and shoots him in the arm and abdomen with a rifle. Arthur arrives and kills one of the tribesmen, while Hunt decapitates the leader with one of the tribe's bone tomahawks. Yet another brutal yet classic scene. Arthur frees Samantha and Chicory, while a mortally wounded Hunt stays behind with a rifle. He promises to kill the surviving cannibals when they return, to prevent them from terrorizing Bright Hope. As the three leave the cave, they see two pregnant women for the clan... only all of their limbs have been amputated and they have wooden stakes shoved into their eyes, blinding them. Clearly and mercilessly used as mere birthing vessels for the tribe of savages, nothing more. I shuddered at the brutality thinking about what these savages do to people and one another.

"Do you happen to know where I might take
a shower and get my hands on some laxatives?
Humans are messy to both chop up and eat."

On their journey out, Arthur blows the tribesman's whistle, and with no response, they continue to exit. At a distance from the cave, they hear three gunshots, implying that Sheriff Hunt had killed the remaining men of the tribe. Chicory acknowledges the gunshots with a half-hearted smile and tosses aside the rock he had been carrying as a weapon. Tired, hurt, and with few supplies, the three begin the journey home....

Upon hearing that I was going to be watching Bone Tomahawk, I didn't know what to expect. I thought the movie was going to just simply be like a lot of Westerns; a tale of redemption or revenge. Instead, I come to find out halfway through the movie that I was actually watching a horror movie. There are scenes that are perfectly paced, "quick time chaos moments" (Such as the infamous bisection scene), but then there are scenes that feel like they drag. The pacing of this movie is all over the place. Scenes during the journey where the men are talking and sleeping build suspense, sure, but sometimes it feels like the payoffs aren't quite worth the build-ups with how fast everything breaks down. I did like that this movie didn't rely on jump scares, there seldom were few... if any. I loved this movie, ultimately. It had great performances by iconic actors, it had memorable merciless killing scenes that probably would've traumatized me as a kid, but I found sick humor in enjoying the special effects as an adult. Including the shot following the bisection showing a native cannibal gnawing on Nick's dismembered arm like it was a drumstick from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

If you haven't seen Bone Tomahawk and are curious about watching a random Western horror film with some great actors and badass special effects, check it out. I will warn you though, some scenes are downright messed up and if you don't find some sort of sick moviegoer thrill out of watching it, you probably won't have such a great time. I absolutely enjoyed this movie for its unapologetic portrayal of being in grim situations in the Old West.