A Review of "Superman Returns"

It was nineteen years. Nineteen up and down years in cinema between the motion picture ass-fest Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and the next Superman movie. First, ideas came in the early 90s for Superman V: Reborn, a script that was floating around after Ilya Salkind got the rights back once the Cannon Group went belly-up. He wanted to adapt the "Death of Superman" arc in a motion picture once the comic book came out. That eventually fell through when famous comic-book enthusiast/comedian Kevin Smith got a hold of the script and rewrote it as Superman Lives. This was the script that was eventually approved by Warner Bros in the late-90s for Tim Burton to direct with Nicolas Cage starring as Superman. This is the one where a whole lot of pictures and videos, even a whole fucking documentary exists about. Superman Lives eventually fell-through when Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage both dropped out of the picture. So the Superman franchise dwelled on until the mid 2000s, when the director of X-Men and X2 Bryan Singer agreed to write & direct the newest Superman movie. This... is Superman Returns. A movie that proves you don't have to have a whole lot of action to be a period-specific thinkpiece. For $204 million, Bryan Singer got to make the exact Superman movie he would want to, honoring the Richard Donner versions of Superman & Superman II and boy it's...something.

For the previous five years, Superman (Brandon Routh) has mysteriously abandoned his adopted home of Earth while on a journey into outer space to investigate what astronomers believed to be an intact Krypton. When Zodd (Terence Stamp), Ursa (Sarah Douglas) and Non (Jack O'Halloran) showed up and Superman defeated them, he decided that it was time to search the galaxy for any other possible Kryptonians floating around the universe. In his absence, journalist and past love Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) wrote a scathing article "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman", winning her another Pulitzer Prize. Lois is engaged to Richard White (James Marsden), the nephew of Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White (Frank Langella), and with whom she shares a young asthmatic son, Jason (Tristan Lake Leabu). Meanwhile, the notorious criminal mastermind Lex Luthor (Kevin Spacey) secured an early release from prison due to Superman not appearing as a prosecution witness during Luthor's fifth appeal trial. By seducing an old heiress (Noel Neill, the original Lois Lane), Luthor is able to inherit her fortune, giving him resources for his next real estate scheme.

Unforeseen to everyone, Superman returns to Earth, crash landing at the Kent farm, just as he did as a child. He reveals to his adoptive mother Martha Kent (Eva Marie Saint) that he left hoping to find his homeworld, and expresses his dismay at being the only one of his kind remaining. Thus begins the whiney emo Superman we'll see for the duration of the movie. Upon returning to Metropolis in his human identity of Clark Kent, he is shocked to discover the consequences of his disappearance. When a mysterious nationwide power outage causes catastrophic failures during a space shuttle launch, Clark realizes he must reemerge as Superman. Yeah I mean... of course. Otherwise, what's the point of the fucking movie? Saving the shuttle and its ferry jet in highly public fashion causes a resurgence of media attention regarding Superman's return. Unbeknownst to anyone, the accident was triggered by Luthor using Kryptonian technology stolen from the Fortress of Solitude, including a cameo by Jor-El (Marlon Brando).

Luthor sends his moll, Kitty (Parker Posey), to distract Superman, allowing him to steal a sample of kryptonite from a museum. Yeah... again, what kind of threat would Lex Luthor pose without kryptonite? Still investigating the earlier power outage, Lois tracks the hypocenter...whatever that means...to the mansion Luthor recently inherited (I mean "stole") and, along with her son, explores the yacht docked there. Discovering Luthor, she is held captive as the yacht heads out into the Atlantic. Luthor plans to use the Kryptonian crystal technology Superman used to create his Fortress of Solitude to create a massive new continent which would swallow some of the current landmasses bordering the Atlantic. The world will then be forced to use his new land. Placing a crystal inside a shell of refined kryptonite, Luthor triggers the new land growth by launching it into the sea. I'm not going to lie, that part was pretty cool and it's a unique idea. I'm just going to ask though: why does ever Superman movie have to default to Lex Luthor and another landmass scam? The Lex Luthor in the comics was much more pimp than that.

Lois manages to use a fax machine on board the yacht to send their location to the Daily Planet headquarters, where it catches the attention of Clark and Richard. Upon discovering her attempt at subversion, one of Luthor's henchmen attacks Lois, causing Jason's powers to emerge as he crushes the henchman with a piano – revealing that the (no longer asthmatic) Jason is Superman's son. At least, its revealed to the audience. Because Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lois Lane can't deduce it for the love of fuck. The son pitches a piano across the fucking room...like, flying across...and Lois is still like "OMG How did Richard's kid do that?" Luthor even realizes this a million miles ahead of Lois and he and his thugs escape by helicopter as the earthquake effects from the growing landmass span back to Metropolis. While Superman works to contain the damage in the city, Richard reaches the yacht by way of a floatplane and releases Lois and Jason from their locked room. Why Jason's powers just fucking vanished on us is beyond me. The three become trapped when the yacht is split in two by the growing rock formations, knocking Lois unconscious and sinking the yacht. In a really cool scene complete with the classic Superman music, Superman rescues them and gets them to the safety of Richard's plane.

Superman pursues Luthor, who has made his way to the growing land mass. The kryptonite shell surrounding the crystal has caused the new rock formations to be infused with kryptonite, making the land itself toxic to Superman, causing him to become weak and lose his powers. Luthor's thugs brutalize Superman into submission as he is unable to fight back...in a hearbreaking, gut-busting scene for someone as big of a Superman as I was. Luthor then impales Superman with a kryptonite shard and allows him to fall into the ocean, presumably to die. Regaining consciousness in the escaping floatplane, Lois learns that Superman has gone to confront Luthor. Knowing of the kryptonite danger, Lois convinces Richard to double back to help him. Jason, realizing that he's already in the express lane to Divorce Town, spots the Man of Steel in the water and Lois and Richard get him into the plane, where Lois removes the shard. Recovering, Superman flies high into the atmosphere to regain his strength by exposure to sunlight. Using his heat vision, he then tunnels deep under the new land mass and, using the last of his strength, is able to fly it off into space before it absorbs more land.

Escaping with Luthor in the helicopter, a disillusioned Kitty discards the remaining crystals and the two eventually end up on a deserted island when they run out of fuel. Complications from kryptonite exposure cause Superman to fall into a coma, and while doctors are able to remove more fragments from his skin, they cannot revive him. Somehow falling into a coma in space from Kryptonite poisoning doesn't kill him, but you know. Anywho, Lois visits him in the hospital and whispers into his ear while glancing at Jason. Looks like somebody finally started using her brain. Soon after, hospital staff discovers his room empty. No longer feeling alone in the universe, Superman visits his newly revealed son in the boy's room and repeats to Jason the words of his own father as he sleeps. Lois starts writing another article, titled "Why the World Needs Superman". Superman reassures her that he is now back to stay, and flies off into space, where he gazes down at the world in a similar fashion that he used to... back when Brandon Routh was Christopher Reeve.

Superman Returns is a fun adventure, albeit it can be a little boring at times. Okay... it can be a lot boring at times. It's an arthouse version of Superman we thankfully never got and then un-thankfully ended up getting with this. If you told me in 2006 that Superman Returns was going to be as critically panned as movies like The Shaggy Dog and X-Men: The Last Stand, I would've laughed in your face. I won't lie though, seeing the main title march in theaters was pretty great. It gave me goosebumps. It was a nice throwback reference piece to the Richard Donner original Superman & Superman II. Luckily it omitted Superman III & IV so we didn't have to worry about those. On top of the story having a few holes in it, the actors do well in their roles. Kevin Spacey was a freakin' perfect cast choice as Lex Luthor. Brandon Routh looked like Christopher Reeve enough and talked like him enough to cast him. The other people do the part. All-in-all, it's a decent Superman movie. It isn't memorable and classic, but it sure was better than the previous entries we got.