A Review of "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace"

"Chris? This is your villain... an ex-Chippendale's dancer"
"That does it, I'm calling my agent." "Chris, they aren't hiring--" "NO NOT TO DANCE!--"

Oh God. *Gags* *Dry heaves* *Tries to regain composure*. Dear Christ, Superman IV. What the hell happened? Why is this movie so BAD? I almost shouldn't even waste my time writing a blog post about it. I mean...fuck is this movie terrible. We started out with all the momentum and success in the world thanks to Superman. Superman II did all it could to carry that momentum and despite that it didn't quite live up to its legendary predecessor, it was still fun and was a pretty entertaining movie. Superman III took that momentum, laughed at it, wrote several bad jokes about it, decided to parody it and then shit itself into theaters much to the chagrin and anger of all those involved, but that wasn't even the end. Thanks to the abysmal reviews of Superman III as well as its spin-off follow-up Supergirl, Ilya Salkind decided that beating a dead horse was detrimental to his arm and sold the franchise rights off so he could no longer be responsible for Superman's cinematic demise. The rights were then purchased by...The Cannon Film Group. Holy God, why? If you don't know, The Cannon Group was an independent motion picture studio in the 80s renowned and notorious for their smutty, schlocky, low-brow action and drama cinema, and now they tasked themselves with breathing new life into Superman. Welcome to the cinematic assfest that's even worse than Superman III. This is Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and yes, for some unGodly unHoly reason, most of the people who complained and vowed never to work on another Superman movie came back, including *gasp* Christopher Reeve himself. Reeve was so traumatized by the outcome of Superman III that he hung up his proverbial cape and bid adieu to Superman. The Cannon Group lured him back with a higher salary plus story and script input, proving once again that yes, "Money talks". So why? Why does Superman IV: The Quest for Peace fail across the board and stand tall as not only the worst Superman movie ever made, one of the worst comic book movies ever made, but one of the worst MOVIES ever made? Let's take a gander and see. Sit back, relax, and grab a drink; this is going to be a lengthy one.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Christopher Reeve and I'm
never fucking coming back ever again."

The movie opens with the familiar space credits that Superman & Superman II gave us, except it looks like a filmmaking class project on a budget of three dollars. We then see as Superman (Christopher Reeve) saves a spaceship of cosmonauts whose ship was thrown off course by debris at pure random. He opens the door and speaks to them, breaking not just one but a shitload of Laws of Physics. After that little scientific debacle, he visits his home-town of Smallville as Clark. Now that his adoptive parents have died, Clark has inherited their now-unattended farm. In an empty barn, he uncovers the capsule that brought him to Earth, and removes a luminescent green Kryptonian energy module. You know... the one he used up to build the Fortress of Solitude in Superman and he used again in Superman II and shouldn't even be in the space pod to uncover? That's right, fuck you continuity. A recording left by his Kryptonian mother Lara states that its power can be used only once... even though it was previously used twice and this would make it the third fucking time it was used. Good God we're already five minutes in and this movie's broken both science and continuity like twigs you find in your front lawn. After refusing to sell the farm to a mall developer, Clark returns to Metropolis, where he stops a runaway subway train after the conductor collapses at the controls. Just another random isolated incident, thank God Clark--I mean Superman--was there.

This must be how Walgreens pharmacy techs
see old people when they get the medication they
so crave... after an hour arguing over insurance.

After returning to the Daily Planet, Clark learns that the company has gone bankrupt and been taken over by David Warfield (Sam Wanamaker), a tabloid tycoon and your stereotypical 1980s asshole media mogul who fires Perry White (Jackie Cooper) and hires his own daughter Lacy (Mariel Hemingway) as the new editor. Hooray for nepotism! Lacy takes a liking to Clark (for whatever reason; she's kind of hot and Clark's kind of a dork) and tries to seduce him; Clark agrees to go on a date with her. Following the news that the United States and the Soviet Union may engage in a nuclear arms race, Clark is conflicted about how much Superman should intervene. After receiving a letter from a concerned schoolboy, Superman travels to the Fortress of Solitude to seek advice from the spirits of his Kryptonian ancestors, which shouldn't even be possible. Kryptonians could only be viewed through crystal recordings or "ghosts". These are acting like they're just talking on the phone like nothing's wrong. Superman II is also guilty of this, but you know, to hell with it I guess. They recommend that he let Earth solve its own problems, or seek new worlds where war has been outlawed. After asking for advice from Lois Lane, Superman attends a meeting of the United Nations General Assembly, announcing to the assembly that he will rid the planet of nuclear weapons. Various nations fire their nuclear warheads into space, which are collected by Superman into a giant net and then thrown into the sun--okay stop, stop stop. Fucking stop for a second.

Superman's *sigh* Nuclear missile net

First off, the scene where he takes advice from Lois is so ass-backwards and broken. Lois comes over and asks Clark why he's so bummed, so Clark takes her on a walk... off the rooftop. As they fall, in one of the worst green screen effects you'll ever see, he saves her as Superman, re-revealing his identity to her. They then mimic the flying sequence from Superman, including the same musical cues...for NO reason. Then they return to Clark's rooftop, where he kisses her to make her forget everything that just happened, un-re-revealing his identity to her. Fuuuuuuuuck this noise. Next, Superman agrees to rid the planet of all nuclear weapons, to which EVERY SINGLE NATION is overwhelmingly in support of. Imagine you're some minute country surrounded by angry dictators on all sides...I don't know the name of one, so let's just make one up and call it "Israel". Imagine you're this made-up country "Israel" with made-up angry dictators on all sides of you, but the only thing you've got to stop them is your nuclear arsenal...which Superman is now taking away because "They'we dangewous". You are now up shit creek without a yamaka, Israel, you made-up country you. This movie's premise is shit. Pure shit. Thirdly...a giant net? How fucking Looney Tunes can you get? Where did Superman acquire this net? Did he build it? Did he find it? If so, how do all of the nukes just sit in the net and not go off in contact of each other? He flies them into the net pretty forcefully. Also again, when he throws the net into the sun, a net containing DOZENS of nuclear devices...that would set off a chain reaction, wouldn't you think? Like a cataclysmic one? Fuck you Superman, you arrogant dickhead.

"I HAVE THE POWER!"
"For the last time, fuckface, you're NUCLEAR
man... NOT HE-MAN."

In a distracting subplot, young Lenny Luthor (Jon Cryer) breaks his uncle Lex Luthor (Gene "What the fuck am I doing here?" Hackman) out of prison. Returning to Metropolis, Lex and Lenny steal a strand of Superman's hair from a museum, and create a genetic matrix which Lex attaches to a U.S. nuclear missile. The strand of hair is being shown to hold one thousand pounds with relative ease and it can be cut by Lex with wire strippers. *Screams* After the missile is test launched, Superman intercepts it and throws it into the sun. *Screams Again* A glowing ball of energy is discharged, which develops into a superhuman. This "Nuclear Man" makes his way back to Earth to find his 'father' Lex, who establishes that while his creation is powerful, he will deactivate without exposure to sunlight. *Screams Just Because* A vicious battle ensues between Lex's creation and Superman. While saving the Statue of Liberty from falling onto the streets of New York, Superman is infected with radiation sickness by a scratch from Nuclear Man's radioactive claws. Yes, he has claws, but they don't look like claws. They look like fucking Press-on nails. "Whoopsie-doodle, Superman. I'm'a just give you a good scratchin' here, honey".

"Hey Lois, remember when we did this last time?"
"No?" "Oh, right."

To Lois' disgust, the Daily Planet (which has been reformatted as a tabloid newspaper) publishes the headline "Superman Dead?" Lois indicates a desire to quit and seizes Superman's recovered cape for herself. Lacy is also upset and reveals to Lois that she cares for Clark. Lois ventures to Clark's apartment where she proclaims her love for Superman, a man she would know is in the room right next to her if it weren't not one but two mind-erasing kisses. Felled by radiation sickness, an elderly Clark staggers to his terrace where he retrieves the Kryptonian energy module and attempts to heal himself. So that's use number three. Good work writers, you assholes. Having developed a crush on Lacy out of her looks alone, the shallow Nuclear Man threatens mayhem if she is not brought to him. Why does he have a crush on her? What does he hope to gain? I don't know, maybe they can paint each other's nails at night. The newly restored Superman agrees to take him to her to prevent anyone else from being hurt. Superman lures Nuclear Man into an elevator car, trapping him inside and then depositing it on the far side of the moon. As the sun rises, Nuclear Man breaks free due to a sliver of sunlight through a crack in the elevator doors and Superman is again forced to defend himself. The battle on the soundstage--I'm sorry, I mean "the moon" goes on for a while. The black curtains--I'm sorry, I mean "space"--looks pretty great in the background. You can even see the strings when Superman is tossed and when Nuclear Man flies. This is like a backyard Super8 film. At the end of the battle, it appears as though Superman has been defeated, as he is driven into the moon's surface by Nuclear Man. Literally like one would drive a fence post into the ground.

"Effective immediately, I'm standing down from the role of Superman
so they can't make anymore of these goddamn, shit-ass sequels to
torture you all" - Christopher Reeve, final day of shooting.

Nuclear Man returns to Earth, forces his way into the Daily Planet and abducts Lacy, carrying her into outer space. Yes, you read that right. He carries her into outer space, where she is ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY as if she is not in outer space. That does it, I'm convinced the director just didn't give a shit. I don't even know his name and I don't care to look it up. He's a bitter disappointment of a director. That's second-grade level science. It's okay though, because Superman manages to free himself from the moon's surface and then PUSHES IT OUT OF ITS ORBIT to cast Earth into an eclipse, nullifying Nuclear Man's powers and leaving Lacy helpless (again... IN SPACE). "Apologies for all the rogue waves and tsunami's, people of Earth. I have to stop NUCLEAR MAN!" Superman rescues Lacy (again... FROM SPACE) and returns her to Earth, recovers Nuclear Man and deposits him into the core of a nuclear power plant, destroying him. Perry White secures a loan to buy a controlling interest in the newspaper, making David Warfield a minority shareholder and protecting the paper from any further takeovers (in case you gave a shit which you shouldn't). In the movie's ending press conference, Superman declares only partial victory in his campaign, saying, "There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly that their governments will have no choice but to give it to them". Oh so that's why there's war in the world. It's not differing ideologies, power-hungry dictators, or a never-ending game of economic grabass; it's just because we don't want peace hard enough. Superman also recaptures the fleeing Luthors. He places Lenny in Boys Town, telling the priest that Lenny has been under a bad influence, and returns Lex to prison.

What. A fucking. Load. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is seriously one of the worst movies ever made and easily one of the worst I've ever seen. It makes no sense, it's poorly written,  and it's story is stupid, confused, contrived, broken, ill-timed, poorly-paced and horribly executed. The science and physics are absolutely forgotten about or, hell, considering what we've seen, completely fucking ignored just for the sake of scriptwriting. The special effects are fake and cheap-looking that it makes the movie out to be a farce of itself, including that shot of Superman flying used over and over and over and over and over and over again. The movie ultimately goes nowhere, does nothing, moves no characters in any sort of way that can be considered "development" and returns the city of Metropolis, Superman, Lois, and fucking everybody else into the exact same predicament they were in when the movie first started. Oh, except "Israel" doesn't have its nuclear weapons now and is probably getting fucked on all sides by evil dictators who were smart enough not to surrender them to Superman. I read online where the movie's only an hour and a half because well-over forty minutes were cut from it. I've read small bios on these scenes and guess what? They didn't go anywhere either. Thank God this movie's only ninety minutes long. It's like "what the fuck were we being punished for?" Is this God returning the favor for the Miracle on Ice? Why were we punished with this atrocious garbage? We didn't think it was possible to top Superman III's suckage and yet here we are, bawling in a corner while Superman IV's end credits play on the TV. Christopher Reeve thought Superman III was bad, I can't believe he didn't just burn his costume, walk off set and become an English teacher for the rest of his life when he saw Superman IV being made. I'm astounded they released this. Absolutely astounded. It should be branded illegal to watch this movie. Avoid it all costs...unless you're just absolutely messed up on drugs.