Ranking the Batmen

This time last year, I finished my "Ranking of the Batman Movies" Countdown, in which I named Tim Burton's 1989 classic Batman as my favorite and "the best" in my opinion. What I'd like to do now is go back over and re-hash the entire damn countdown.

*RE-HASH ALERT*

So we'll grab all of the Batmen from the motion pictures and rank them. It's your usual "Top 10" schtick, only this time we're ranking the Batmen themselves, not the movies they were in. Plus, I don't think there are actually ten of them. Obviously, there may be some you are able to guess, but we'll see! Let's bring on the Bat-ranks, as we Bat-rank the Bat-men in the Bat-top 10. Ready? Set? BAT!

...I need better jokes...

#7 - George Clooney (Batman & Robin)
You knew it was coming, didn't you? George Clooney set the standards for which all Bat-badness would be measured for all the movies coming after is. His blase, lame-ass, boring, uninspired, laid-back, non-Bat performance of Batman ranks up there with comic geeks and even movie critics as one of the most laughable comic book performances of all time. It's come out in recent years that Schumacher has apologized for making such a shit-heap comic book movie, but it's also been said that he chose to base the movie's jaw-dropping neon-nightclub presentation and goofy-ass Batman performance on that of the '66 Adam West TV series, but even that is putting it mildly. Basically speaking, when you look at Batman 1989 and then you follow the motion picture series all the way to Batman & Robin, the transition is pretty lousy. They are supposed to be the same Batman, after all. Clooney even followed in West's footsteps in not even changing his Bat-voice. He just talks like he normally does. His outfit is even really weird looking, even for a Schumacher Batfilm. The Bat-nipples are present. Sure, the first outfit throughout the movie isn't bad, but the one at the climax of the movie is just dumb to look at. Batman's supposed to be a dark, brooding figure of the night...not a celebratory nightclub aficionado who dresses in bright colors and makes public appearances. Batman & Robin is a dumbass Batman-movie, an even worse regular movie, and it isn't even remotely supported by the movie's own dark knight.

#6 - Adam West (Batman: The Movie)
Stepping up from George Clooney's performance is Adam West, the man who started it all for the live-action Batman performances. Unless you include the 1940's Batman serials, but hey, who does? Adam West is synonymous with the "campy" version of Batman. The "Bam! Zoom! Pow!" shit came from this show, and the dorky lines are here aplenty. Batman: The Movie is also home to one of my and probably a lot of people's favorite Batman moments. Batman has a bomb and needs to get rid of it. He's running through the pier and dodging several other innocent citizens. Just as he's getting ready to throw it into the river, he sees two people boating. He turns and simply utters "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb." Always classic. So yeah, West seems to suffer from the same thing Clooney does, but seeing as how West invented the style, it doesn't feel as painful. Plus, West's over-the-top delivery's work, even if they're the corniest shit you've ever heard. West has a somewhat-reliable following on the internet, so he gets a pass.

#5 - Val Kilmer (Batman Forever)
On the other side of the Schumacher spectrum, 1995's Batman Forever gave us Val Kilmer, Top Gun's Iceman, as the caped crusader. It's an interesting performance. Kilmer does his best Keaton-impression and only mildly alters his Bat-voice while he's in the suit. It's subtle, but still intimidating. But *sigh*, I'd be lying if I said that wouldn't be affected by his surroundings. It's got that Schumacher feel to the whole thing, still. Schumacher's Gotham City is known for being dressed in neon and presented liked it's the basement of a gay bar. Batman, unfortunately, suffers because of this. His suit bares distinct Bat-nipples...you know, for some reason. Everything's still bright and shiny whereas the proper Batman universe should be dark and somewhat gritty. Even in his ailing days, Bob Kane noted that Val was the "most accurate representation to his original idea for Batman" that there was. Strong words from the man who started it all.





#4 - Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises)
Now we come to the internet's favorite Batman. This is a Batman that somehow has an entire legion of comic book superfans in his corner. I say "somehow", because while I enjoy the movies he's in quite a bit, The Dark Knight especially, Christian Bale is a pretty 'meh' Batman. He has that whole "ninja" thing down and if you ask me, his best Batformance was in his first outing, Batman Begins. That's where he felt very Batman. He stalked his enemies from the shadows, he used tools and gadgets to his advantage, and even fought and dispatched dozens of enemies with ease. The Dark Knight was where Bale started phoning it in. The fighting style has improved, but dressing him like a tactical Black Ops operative with a helmet that just so happens to carry pointy ears kinda just makes him stop being Batman and start being "a guy dressed like Batman". He starts losing the whole mystique of being a shadowy figure of the night and more so "a guy dressed like he's being air-dropped for a night operation in Pakistan". The feeling that he's Batman kind of returns in The Dark Knight Rises, with hints at using the darkness to sneak up on his enemy, but it once again pulls a shade over the whole thing by having him fight in broad fucking daylight. The whole "painting my suit black" thing takes a backseat to sunlight, good sir.
Plus, there's the goddamn Bale Batman voice. I talked about it a ton in my countdown of the movies last summer, and the internet has lambasted it for a decade, so I won't get too into it. Just know it sounds like Clint Eastwood giving a Shakespearean monologue while trying to deep-throat driveway gravel. It sounds like marbles, beads and Hot Wheels cars getting sucked up by a vacuum cleaner. The Bat-voice isn't so bad, again, in Batman Begins but gets worse with the other two movies. So much worse.



#3 - Ben Affleck (Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, The Justice League, <Untitled Batman solo film>)
The guy we all thought would be the worst part of Batman v Superman that ended up being the best part. Ben Affleck's Batman portrayal was pretty great. It was moreso a violent fan-fiction version of Batman as opposed to an actual Hollywood presentation. Still, Ben Affleck's Batman has some badass moments and even created a crazy twist on coming up with the Bat-voice. Turns out a computer voice-pitch scrambler is all that was needed. Don't even need to growl or grumble, just need a computer. Affleck's outfit also got a pretty great update. A very "The Dark Knights Returns" tribute. However, maybe too much of The Dark Knight Returns played a role in Affleck's Batman. This Bruce Wayne is middle-aged, he's more bulky than streamlined, the emblem looks eerily similar, and he even has an exchange with a flamethrower henchman that's line-for-line straight out of the classic graphic novel. So, while not totally original...in fact while not very original at all, it's still a great portrayal. Batfleck is alright with me. Interested to see what his solo film is gonna look like. If it's anything like his role in this, it'll be spectacular. If it's anything like his involvement in Suicide Squad, we're in BIG trouble.




#2 - Kevin Conroy (Batman: Mask of the Phantasm)
Yes, it's true. The man who is many people's definitive Batman ranks up near the top for me. I love Kevin Conroy as Batman. When you hear his voice, his oh-so-iconic voice, you don't hear Kevin Conroy voicing Batman, you hear Batman. Batman: The Animated Series is often considered one of the greatest children's TV shows and one of the greatest overall TV shows ever created. It's dark, yet humorous tone inspired by Burton's '89 film carried over well to the 1993 film set in the same universe, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm. Talk about a movie that got everything about Batman right. If you want to find a movie that's the perfect adaptation of Batman, look no further than here. Batman is shown here to be struggling with having just lost his fiancee and choosing to move forward with his career as the dark knight. You can feel in the movie's entire performance that Batman is a tortured soul. He's been through dark times, obviously moreso than just his parents' death. So much so that when he falls in love with Andrea, he still feels guilty and pleads with his parents' statue that he "needs things to be different now". He has great lines, he has great action scenes, he has great dramatic scenes, Kevin Conroy accomplished all of this with just the power of his voice. For that, Mask of the Phantasm's Batman hits the #2 spot.

#1 - Michael Keaton (Batman and Batman Returns)
Yeah, you knew this was coming too, didn't you? Michael Keaton was such an unprecedented casting that he feels like he even used that to his advantage. Batman is a guy who's 6'2", 220 pounds, and built like a body-builder while also remaining slim and trim. Keaton is a man who's like...170 pounds and a mere 5'10". A man totally unassuming, but it works so well. Keaton took both Bruce Wayne and Batman and knocked them both out of the park. Keaton's Wayne is quiet, broken, and still suffering from the death of his parents. To the point where his Batman is sly, tactical, and stiff. Most Batmen you see are bouncing off walls, doing karate moves on five bad guys at once and doing so while also calculating how he'll survive the climax. The only fight training Michael Keaton had before the movie was kickboxing training. His Batman, even being shorter and less-toned, still manages to look like a Batman you don't want to fuck with. His Batsuit is so simple in the use of two colors, black and yellow, and yet is so stupid badass looking that it almost hurts. The Batman Returns cowl looks better, the '89 Batman movie's cowl looks too big and sort of droops over Keaton's face. Even Keaton's Bat-voice is stellar. He found the happy balance between normal speaking voice and monstrous growl. All Keaton had to do to sound like a badass is add a slight rasp to it and BOOM. Kick-ass. Everything all thrown into the Bat-blender, I always just simply say "Christian Bale and Val Kilmer do great Batman impressions, but Michael Keaton is Batman."

So there you have it, I ranked the Batman. I hope you enjoyed, I hope you didn't take it too seriously, and above all...I just hope you enjoyed me talking about something other than Star Wars for a change...

...you're welcome.