Rockython: A Review of "Rocky II"

STOP HITTING ME THERE, ROCK. I JUST HAD MY APPENDIX TAKEN OUT.

Everybody loves a sequel. Sometimes, the only people that love the sequel are the people who made the thing, while the rest of us turn up our nose at it and it becomes a filmmaking punchline for the rest of time. Lookin' at you, Batman & Robin, Superman IV, Terminator 3, Stayin' Alive, Rambo III, The Godfather Part III, RoboCop 3... alright I guess if you're the third, you're basically dead meat from the word "Action". Sometimes though, a sequel just feels right, even if everyone else says it doesn't. This is Rocky II, a movie that teaches us that the perfect ending to your predecessor is nice and all, but nothing will beat the much more euphoric ending everybody wants.

"Rocky, promise me we're done after this one."
"Hey yo, I make no promises."

Rocky, as I said, had the perfect ending. It ended with Rocky, beaten to shreds and swollen to hell, embracing his girlfriend Adrian and professing his love, not caring that just in the background, Apollo Creed was named the winner of their bout by split-decision (In boxing terminology, a split-decision is when a fight goes the full number of rounds and it becomes up to the judges to decide the winner, rather than being decided by knockout or fight stoppage). Rocky II then picks up immediately after the fight following a recap. Apollo (Carl Weathers) and Rocky (Sylvester Stallone) are taken to the same hospital. Despite their mutual agreement not to seek a rematch initially, the sequel demands... er... I mean... "Apollo demands" a rematch with Rocky, but Rocky declines and retires on the spot. His girlfriend, Adrian (Talia Shire), supports his choice, as do his doctors, who reveal that he will require surgery for a detached retina suffered by taking five hundred certified Apollo jabs in one night straight to the face, a condition that could lead to permanent blindness. In a private moment, Rocky goes to see a recuperating Apollo, and wants a truthful response to his question of whether Apollo gave his all in the fight; Creed confirms that he did... though later he would for some reason claim he took the light too lightly? Perhaps it was just to sell how ferocious he'd be in the rematch, but eh... a little contradiction there. After Rocky is released from the hospital, he enjoys the benefits of his life's changes: Rocky's new fame attracts an agent who sees Rocky as a potential endorsement and sponsorship goldmine, and his sudden wealth encourages him to propose to Adrian. She happily accepts, and they marry in a small ceremony. Soon after, Adrian reveals that she is pregnant.

"So Rock, how much of a jerk am I in this scene?"

"Not too big. Now the next one? Holy tomatoes, you could

pass for Satan!"

Meanwhile, fueled by hate mail claiming he fixed the fight in order to protect his reign as champ, Apollo becomes obsessed with the idea that a rematch is the only way to prove that Rocky's performance was simply a fluke. Determined to rectify his boxing career's only blemish, Apollo ignores all pleas by his friends and family to forget about the fight, and instead demands his team do whatever necessary to goad Rocky out of retirement. In a pivotal exchange, Tony "Duke" Evers (Tony Burton), Apollo's trainer, begs Apollo to forget Rocky, saying that he watched Apollo beat Rocky to shit and Rocky just kept coming back for more, subtly implying that a rematch could effectively end Apollo's reign as champion, as Rocky could come back hungrier than ever. Rocky, at first, seems unaffected by Apollo's smear campaign, but his inexperience with money causes him to run into financial problems. After several unsuccessful attempts to find employment, Rocky visits Mickey Goldmill (Burgess Meredith), his trainer and manager, at his gym to talk about the possibility of fighting again. Mickey declines out of concern for Rocky's health, but he soon accepts after Apollo publicly insults Rocky. Adrian confronts Rocky about the danger of returning to boxing and reminds him of the risk to his eyesight. Rocky argues that he knows nothing else, so this is the only way he can provide for them. Adrian, furious at Rocky for breaking his promise, refuses to support him.

"Hey kid, hurry up and knock this bum out so we can
get us some chicken wings!"

Rocky officially accepts Apollo's challenge for a rematch. Rocky and Mickey then begin training, but Rocky is unfocused and unmotivated due to Adrian's disapproval. Adrian's bag of dicks brother, Paulie (Burt Young), confronts his sister about not supporting her husband... you know, like a real jerkbag, and she faints during the confrontation and is rushed to the hospital where she goes into labor. Sheesh what a jerkbag, I swear. Despite being premature, the baby is healthy, but Adrian falls into a coma. Rocky blames himself for what happened, refusing to leave Adrian's bedside until she wakes up, and will not go to see his new baby until the baby can be together with his mother. When Adrian comes out of her coma, she finds Rocky by her bedside, and the couple are shown their new baby, a boy, which they name Robert "Rocky Jr." Adrian gives her blessing to the rematch, and Rocky quickly gets into shape for the fight. This movie not only gives us one training montage, but two. A sequel means double the training, and double the training means double the POWER... I have no idea what I'm saying right now.

On Thanksgiving, the night of the rematch... dubbed "SuperFight II" for some reason since the first one wasn't dubbed "SuperFight", Apollo makes a public goal of beating Rocky in no more than two rounds to prove the first match going the distance was a farce. Rocky, fighting right-handed to protect his eye instead of his natural southpaw, is knocked down twice by Creed and outclassed for much of the fight. As with their first fight, this match goes the full fifteen rounds, by which time Creed is well ahead on points and only needs to stay away from Balboa in the final round to win the fight by decision. However, Creed refuses to let another points decision decide the fight, knowing full well that he'd just have to challenge Rocky to another rematch in Rocky III if he doesn't. In the final round, Rocky switches back to his natural southpaw stance, and in dramatic fashion, unleashes a series of counter punches on Creed, turning the tide. Both men, exhausted, trade punches until they knock each other down. As both men struggle to regain their feet, Rocky is able to will himself up at the count of nine while Apollo collapses from exhaustion, giving Rocky the win by knockout, making him the new heavyweight champion. Rocky then gives an impassioned speech to the crowd and holds the belt over his head with a message for his wife, who is watching the fight on TV: "Yo, Adrian, I did it!"

This screenshot was taken immediately after Carl Weathers
told Sylvester Stallone that he had a fly buzzing around his
head.

Rocky II has the same level of emotional impact as Rocky, being more a character-driven drama than a sports-driven epic and this time, it is all thanks to Stallone, who not only starred in and wrote the movie, but directed it as well. Stallone would go on to direct three more Rocky films, including the final main series film Rocky Balboa in 2006. Rocky II gave us the ending to Rocky's quest to beat Apollo for the title that Rocky could have given us, but if you ask me, it made this movie's ending all that much sweeter. Having Rocky come that close but lose by points decision made this fight's impact much more noteworthy. In this fight, Rocky is seeking to finally win the title and prove to everyone that he's not a fluke while Apollo seeks to put Rocky away early and retain the title to prove that Rocky was indeed a fluke. This time its even portrayed that Apollo is taking his training much more seriously than in the previous film... where you didn't see him train at all. This time, he trains on screen and he's a madman. It's another underdog story all over again. That's why, in my eyes, Rocky II has the best fight out of all of them. The emotion, not to mention the choreography and the escalation. What's great is that Rocky is the clear loser by the end before the knockout. Apollo trained hard for it and outclassed Rocky on all scorecards, but Apollo's on ego and determination to take Rocky down was his undoing, allowing Rocky to wail on him in the final round and secure the knockout and the title.

"Sly, I'm going to do more damage to you than Rhinestone."

I love this movie, but its not as memorable to me as the fight is. It does show Rocky's struggle to handle money, being new to obtaining wealth, and trying to adjust to life after boxing, but the call of the ring as well as Apollo's taunts make it the only thing Rocky can do to provide for his family and prove to everyone that he wasn't just another bum from the neighborhood. Despite the arguments against it from both Adrian and Mickey, Rocky proves to everyone that he has what it takes and wins the fight. There's even a story arc for Mickey that culminates here, as Mickey always wanted to train a championship contender and gets one. The story feels like the perfect extension of Rocky, the emotion is still there, the drama is there, and the feel-goodiness is there too. What's great about the Rocky saga is that each movie incorporates real-life elements from Stallone's actual life and career. Rocky II shows us that Rocky, despite rattling the heavyweight champ, was quickly forgotten after his success, something Stallone knew all too well after his first two post-Rocky movies, F.I.S.T. and Paradise Alley both tanked at the box office. Rocky and Rocky II are a great one-two drama punch on a Saturday night movie viewing. Pun definitely intended. While it doesn't receive the same level of acclaim as Rocky, I say Rocky II is probably the best possible sequel we could've gotten. Give a watch if you haven't, but only after having watched Rocky beforehand.

Rockython: A Review of "Rocky"

Give me a hug, Philly!

Yo Adrian! I'm pulling a sweeeeeerve. Ha. *Self-high-fives*. So anyway, I'm taking a break from ranking the Star Wars movies here to review another film series I used be absolutely bonkers obsessed with. With this coronavirus outbreak, a lot of us are spending much longer at home, sometimes not leaving for days on end. Those of us blessed enough to be able to work from home are also cursed in a sense, as now you have to worry about what to watch in the background in the silence of your own apartment or house so that you can remain productive. Me? I can't stand working in the dead silence, so I have to have something on in the background. TV shows and movies it is, but with this extended stay, I had to start going deep into my collection and dusting off some films I haven't watched in a coon's age. One movie series I've rediscovered is Rocky.

"Yeah I tried out for the Flyers, but they said I should
make a living getting my head smacked around elsewhere."

Rocky is the story of a local, underpaid club-fighter named Rocky Balboa, shunned by the shy Adrian and used as an enforcer for a loan shark. Down on his luck, getting his face kicked in for slim wages, Rocky's life turns around when he's approached by a fight promoter who offers him the chance to fight reigning heavyweight champion Apollo Creed for the title. Rocky then trains his heart out, under the watchful eye of the aged, gritty boxing gym owner Mickey Goldmill. The movie was based on the real-life fight between reigning heavyweight champion of the world, Muhammad Ali, who chose to defend the title against the unknown fighter Chuck Wepner, only known at that point as the man who bled easily from his brow. "The Bayonne Bleeder" surprised everyone by going the fifteen round distance with Ali before his corner stopped the fight with nineteen seconds to go. Ali would retain the title, but Wepner's performance would not go unnoticed... as then-unknown actor Sylvester Stallone wrote the script for Rocky based on the fight... and the movie would go on to win the Oscar for Best Picture that year. So what made the first Rocky such a masterpiece? Let's take dive in and take a look at one of my favorite sports movies of all time.

"Geez Rocky, you look like you hit on
Chuck Norris's wife."

In 1975, the heavyweight boxing world champion, Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) announces plans to hold a title bout in Philadelphia during the upcoming United States Bicentennial in 1976. However, he is informed five weeks from the fight date that his scheduled opponent is unable to compete due to an injured hand. With all other potential replacements booked up or otherwise unavailable, Creed decides to spice things up by giving a local contender a chance to challenge him. Creed selects Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), a journeyman southpaw boxer who fights primarily in small gyms and works as a collector for a loan shark, Tony Gazzo (Joe Spinell). Rocky meets with promoter George Jergens (Thayer David) under the presumption that Creed is seeking local sparring partners. Reluctant at first, Rocky eventually agrees to the fight which will pay him $150,000. Rocky undergoes several weeks of unorthodox training, such as using sides of beef as punching bags.

"So I'll punch you twice then you can hit me back."
"BRO THIS AIN'T PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING."

Rocky is later approached by Mickey "Mighty Mick" Goldmill (Burgess Meredith), a grouchy old man and former bantamweight fighter turned trainer whose gym Rocky frequents, about training him further. Rocky is not willing initially, as Mickey has not shown much interest in helping him before and sees him as a wasted talent, but eventually accepts the offer. Meanwhile, Rocky begins to build a romantic relationship with Adrian Pennino (Talia Shire), who is working part-time at a pet store, culminating in a kiss. Adrian's brother, Paulie (Burt Young), becomes jealous of Rocky's success, but Rocky placates him by agreeing to advertise the meatpacking business Paulie works for as part of the upcoming fight. The night before the fight, a sleepless Rocky visits the Philadelphia Spectrum and begins to lose confidence. He confesses to Adrian that he does not believe he can win, but strives to go the distance against Creed, which no other fighter has done, to prove himself to everyone. By this point in the movie, you're practically begging Rocky to win. Everything that has transpired in the movie builds your relationship with him and now, you feel like you're watching a close personal friend go into the ring for the fight of his life, and you'd give anything to help him win.

"Hey Rock, is there anything in my teeth?"
"Hey, yo! You must use Colgate or somethin'."

On New Year's Day, the fight is held with Creed making a dramatic entrance dressed as George Washington... and then Uncle Sam. Taking advantage of his overconfidence, Rocky knocks him down in the first round, which is the first time that Creed has ever been knocked down. Humbled and worried, Creed takes Rocky more seriously for the rest of the fight, though his ego never fully fades. The fight goes on for the full fifteen rounds, with both combatants sustaining various injuries. Rocky, with hits to the head and swollen eyes, tells Mickey to cut his right eyelid so that he can open it again and use it. Apollo, with internal bleeding and a broken rib, struggles to breathe. As the fight concludes, Creed's superior skill is countered by Rocky's apparently unlimited ability to absorb punches, and his dogged refusal to go down. Despite a three-minute round only lasting fifty-nine seconds on screen, the final round bell sounds, with both fighters locked in each other's arms, they promise to each other that there will be no rematch. The sportscasters and the audience go wild. Jergens announces over the loudspeaker that the fight was "the greatest exhibition of guts and stamina in the history of the ring", and Rocky calls out repeatedly for Adrian, who runs down and comes into the ring as Paulie distracts arena security. Adrian and Rocky embrace and profess their love to each other as Jergens declares Creed the winner by virtue of a split decision, not caring about the result of the fight.

"Hey yo, Paulie, did you cut the cheese?"
"Yeah, Rocky; it's called 'Brie'."

Famously, producers Irwin Winkler and Robert "Bob" Chartoff bought the script from then-newcomer Sylvester Stallone with the predication that he star in it. Unable to secure a big budget because of this, MGM gave the filmmakers only one million dollars to film the entire movie if Stallone was going to star. The movie ended up costing only $1.1 million to make, and the extra $100,000 in funds came from Winkler and Chartoff mortgaging their houses to take a chance on the film. It's an underdog story both in front and behind the cameras. Not a lot of people believed in the movie, either. Burgess Meredith got the part of Mickey because the other actors they considered for the role were insulted that Sylvester Stallone wanted them to read for it. During production, Stallone was only bringing in $36/week as an usher and was forced to sell his dog because he couldn't afford to feed it. That same dog plays Butkus in the movie, the dog Adrian brings for Rocky. What would happen? It would become the highest grossing film of 1976 and win the Oscar for Best Picture that year as well.

I love Rocky. While it has been quite some time since I sat down and watched any of them, the whole COVID-19 quaratine we find ourselves in seems to bring all of the old gems off the shelf. The acting is superb, the story is timeless, the characters are so enthralling and even for 1976, many of its traits and behaviors hold up today. The final fight is mid-tier level considering the fights we get in later Rocky movies, but its a lot like the first lightsaber duel in Star Wars; simple, but effective. It's filmed dark and barely lit, with what looks like a single spotlight beaming down onto Stallone and Weathers as Apollo and Rocky have their heavyweight championship bout. This movie even popularized the "training montage", a series of clips spliced together to show a character preparing for a final battle along with some catchy music... in this case, Bill Conti's composition "Gonna Fly Now", which has been both tributed and parodied in the years since. Stallone took a chance on his own underdog story in 1976, and by 2020, he's played Rocky Balboa seven more times... including two Creed spin-offs where his character plays the mentor. Rocky Balboa is as close to Stallone as Stallone is to him. The two are nigh inseparable.

If you get a chance during the quarantine, sit down and give Rocky a try. It's one of those perfect sports movies and hey, if you like it, that's seven more movies you can try. That should help pass the time, am I right? Big franchises with multiple sequels like this one are just what the doctor ordered for this pandemic.

Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #8 - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Everybody's favorite marketing engine!

*Wakes from nap* Oh hello, sorry I dozed off. I must've left my Blu-ray player going and fallen asleep to the movie I was just trying to watch, Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I wonder how I could've been so silly to have fallen asleep to such magic movie like Star Wars? It may be associated with many things, but certainly not being ass-numbing and boring to the point where you're begging for a car to crash into your living room just to liven up the mood.

Yes, Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace is notorious among the internet and movie fans for being boring, awkward, weak, poorly-acted, poorly-directed, and while being exceptionally well-written a fun way to utilize background noise while you do more constructive things with your life... like cleaning, it doesn't hold up... wow, twenty-one years later this May. God I'm getting old. Anyway, let's take a look back at how the first Star Wars movie in a sixteen year gap since Return of the Jedi in '83 was the most hyped and somehow the most ill-received entry in the franchise, even today. As with the previous post, Episode II, I have a list of prime and centric nitpicks I made in a post about three years ago. To read more detail about things in the lore, plot, and filmmaking behind Episode I that rustle my jimmies and razz my berries even to this day, click here. Let's begin... SIDE NOTE: You can call your doctor and cancel your sleeping pills prescription. This movie and Star Trek: The Motion Picture both will knock you out faster than you can say "The negotiations were short."

Everybody's favorite time to leave the theater!

Thirty-two years before the Battle of Yavin at the end of Star Wars, the Trade Federation upsets order in the Galactic Republic? How? By bombing marginally effective races at will? No. By taking it upon themselves to assassinate high-ranking officials that are proposing sweeping legislation that will effectively limit or even remove their trade franchise entirely? Not even close. By blockading the planet Naboo in preparation for a full-scale invasion for... a reason? Nailed it. Never fear, though, as the Republic's leader, Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum (Terence "Why the Fuck am I here?" Stamp) dispatches Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) to negotiate with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray (Silas Carson). Darth Sidious (Ian McDiarmid), a Sith Lord and the Trade Federation's secret benefactor, orders the Viceroy to kill the Jedi and begin their invasion with an army of battle droids. The Jedi escape and flee to Naboo, stowing aboard separate ships, possibly getting split up by tens if not hundreds of miles. During the invasion of Naboo (which began on the opposite side of where they needed to go), Qui-Gon saves the life of a Gungan outcast, Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best), from being run over by a droid transport, effectively derailing the narrative by bringing this computer-generated imbecile on the adventure? Why? Indebted to Qui-Gon, Jar Jar leads the Jedi to Otoh Gunga, an underwater city of Naboo. The Jedi try to persuade the Gungan leader, Boss Nass, to help the planet's surface dwellers but are unsuccessful. However, the Jedi manage to obtain Jar Jar's guidance and underwater transport to Theed, the capital city of Naboo.. traveling through the planet's core. I guess that's the express lane? They rescue Naboo's queen, Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman), and escape from the blockaded planet on her Royal Starship, intending to reach the Republic capital planet of Coruscant.

Everybody's favorite N64 game!

The ship is damaged, as the world's easiest to shoot shield generator is shot as they pass the Federation blockade and the hyperdrive is caught in the crossfire, rendering it useless, but the shields are returned thanks to the arrival of a convenient R2-D2. They land for repairs on the outlying desert planet of Tatooine, situated beyond the Republic's jurisdiction. Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2-D2, and Padmé—disguised as one of her handmaidens—Surprised? No, you shouldn't be—visit the settlement of Mos Espa to purchase spare parts at a junk shop. They meet the shop's overtly Jewish-bat owner, Watto, and his nine-year-old slave, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), a gifted pilot and engineer who lacks in not making this mouth-numbing dialogue sound like he's basically reading it from a cue card.We also find out that Anakin built a protocol droid, C-3PO (Anthony Daniels). Qui-Gon senses a strong presence of the Force within Anakin, and is convinced that he is the prophesied as "The Chosen One". Unable to acquire the required hyperdrive parts due to the Republic's currency being worthless on Tatooine, Qui-Gon risks the narrative as he wagers both the parts and Anakin's freedom with Watto in a podrace. This at least certifies that Anakin will win... because if he doesn't, the whole movie won't happen. Sure enough, Anakin wins the race and joins the group to be trained as a Jedi, leaving behind his mother, Shmi (Pernilla August). En route to their starship, Qui-Gon encounters Darth Maul (Ray Park, voiced by Peter Serafinowicz), Darth Sidious' apprentice, who intends to capture Padmé. A duel ensues, but Qui-Gon quickly disengages and escapes onboard the starship before he introduces Anakin to Obi-Wan, a fateful meeting which gets ruined by the dorky response of "Hey, you're a Jedi too? Pleased to meet you." Sure, he was ten... but... come on. Not "I've always wanted to meet a Jedi" or something like that?

Everybody's favorite PlayStation game!

After leaving Tatooine with Anakin, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan escort Padmé to Coruscant so that she can plead her people's case to Valorum and the Galactic Senate. This is where what little momentum the movie had falls off dead and the narrative stops dead in the tracks. For forty minutes, we get nothing but talking, standing and talking, walking and talking... and more talking along with talking on top of the talking. We see Qui-Gon ask the Jedi Council for permission to train Anakin as a Jedi, but the Council refuses, concerned that Anakin is vulnerable to the dark side of the Force. Undaunted, Qui-Gon vows to take up Anakin as his new apprentice. We also see Naboo's Senator Palpatine (also Ian McDiarmid... wink) persuades Amidala to call for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum to elect a more capable leader and to resolve the crisis. Though she is successful in pushing for the vote, Amidala grows frustrated with the corruption in the Senate and decides to return to Naboo. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are ordered by the Jedi Council to accompany the queen and investigate the return of the Sith, whom they had believed to be extinct.

Everybody's favorite face to make watching this turkey!

If you're still awake by this point, we return to Naboo where Padmé reveals herself to the Gungans as Queen Amidala and persuades them to join in an alliance against the Trade Federation. She goes with the plan of letting the decoy come, getting her all dressed up, and then letting her speak for sixty seconds before blowing the whole charade for no reason. During their battle prep, Jar Jar is promoted to general, also for no reason, as he holds zero battle experience, and joins his tribe in a battle against the droid army, while Padmé leads the search for Gunray in Theed. During a battle in the starship hangar, Qui-Gon tells Anakin to wait in the cockpit of a vacant starfighter. Meanwhile, in a cool scene and fight, Darth Maul has infiltrated the palace and engages Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan in lightsaber combat. Anakin inadvertently triggers the starfighter's autopilot... giving us our FOURTH final battle to try and pay attention to, traveling to the battle against the Federation droid control ship. Maul mortally wounds Qui-Gon with his lightsaber, but is then sliced in half, or "mauled" if you will, (Zing #HireMeHollywood) by Obi-Wan and falls down a pit that goes somewhere. It's weird, they're already in the deep underbelly of Theed palace, somewhere deep underground, and yet there's a pit that goes somewhere even deeper. Probably the septic tank or something. Anakin blunders into the control ship's hangar and causes its destruction from within before escaping, deactivating the droid army in the process.

Everybody's favorite gay couple in Star Wars!

As he lies dying, Qui-Gon requests Obi-Wan to train Anakin, setting in motion the next eight episodes of mayhem that vaguely follow a storyline and claim to be a large, epic story... and dies in Obi-Wan's arms. Palpatine is elected Chancellor, and Gunray is arrested. Yoda (Frank Oz) promotes Obi-Wan to the rank of Jedi Knight and reluctantly accepts Anakin as Obi-Wan's apprentice. During a celebratory parade, Padmé presents a gift of thanks to Boss Nass and the Gungans to establish peace... peace they didn't need since they weren't at war with each other, just had a "no liking da Naboo" policy, but hey... so ends The Phantom Menace.

So... does Phantom Menace continue bore and tire audiences twenty-one years later? Not as badly as it did. The opinion has subsided a little bit, but upon rewatching the movie again for the release of The Rise of Skywalker, I have to say it still is pretty dull and yawn-worthy at many points. By the end of the podrace and their arrival on Coruscant, the movie feels like it stops dead in its tracks. I don't know if its because I'm getting older or what but the scene where Palpatine is convincing Padme that democracy doesn't work is just so, so dull. No noise. I always doze at that part. Good God. Apart from that? There's not really a whole lot more I can say in this post that I haven't said in countless other posts I've made about it. The acting sucks, the dialogue is quirky here and painful there, the CGI is at that awkward 1999 state where it was groundbreaking then, but now it's just so obviously rubbery and clashes with the sparsely-used realism. This movie was the first movie George made without a committee, a movie where he called the shots on everything, had complete financial and critical freedom to do what he wanted to do, to tell the story he wanted to tell, and to give us what he thought was going to kickstart a whole new legion of Star Wars fandom... and don't get me wrong, it did; but not without pissing off everybody else. What drives a lot of people's ire against this movie is that it could've been so much better, but if you read George's original draft for Star Wars that he wrote in 1975, that was going to basically be the same kind of movie. Boring, political shit that George made for kids... creatures who have the attention span of a jumping bean. Yeah... well, thank God we got the originals first, because if we got this one first, Star Wars would be nothing more than late-night Syfy channel fodder you'd find at 3a on a Sunday morning trying to find your pants after getting home from the bar. Could have been so much better... and less of a snoozefest.

Check out the linked post above for my complete list of nitpicks, gripes and complaints. Onto the next one!

Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #9 - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Welcome back. You know something that you may not know about me is my utter disdain for visiting beaches. Why, you probably ponder to yourself? Well you see... I don't like sand. It's coarse, it's rough and it's irritating... and it gets everywhere. Not like you, reader. You're everything soft... and smooth.

Are you creeped out yet? Well buckle up, because we only have another forty minutes worth of that level of verbal diarrhea to spew onto you. We only just scraped the bottom of the Star Wars intergalactic shit barrel, and now we're getting into some real crusty stuff. By 2002, people were still adamant that the Star Wars prequel trilogy, which by now consisted of only The Phantom Menace released in 1999, could be salvaged and entertaining. A lot of people still held out plenty of hope! Franchises are built on hope, at least this one is. People were sure that Episode II would be much better and more entertaining than Episode I and there would be a day where we'd have five good Star Wars movies and everyone would kind of just look back on The Phantom Menace as being the really bad one. Well... whoo boy, on top of the dragging narrative hangover this movie suffers, the dialogue is pitifully bland and weird, the characters are cartoonish mannequins... how I'm not really sure, and the few and far between action scenes we get are enteraining, sure, but not enough to really snap you back into the story and keep you invested. The love story? Well, it's pretty forced... and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I don't buy a lot of it, but hey, why sit here and tell you, when I could walk you through the plot and... well, tell you. Let's get this bullshit ball rolling! This is chapter two of the Star Wars saga, Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Now, for the sake of your reading, and the length of this turkey post... I'm going to link my nitpicks of Episode II here, so that you can read them at your leisure. If I take the time to stick them all back in here, we'll be here all bloody day! You're welcome.

Threepio gets to star in this movie as a slapstick gimmick.
Thank you for coming Anthony Daniels. Your check is
in the mail.

Ten years after the Trade Federation's invasion on Naboo, the Galactic Republic is threatened by a Separatist movement organized by former Jedi Master Count Dooku (Christopher Motherfucking Lee). Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) comes to Coruscant to vote on a motion to create an army to assist the Jedi against the threat. Narrowly avoiding an assassination attempt upon her arrival, she is placed under the protection of Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen). She proclaims that she "shouldn't have come back", but she's a senator and I don't think she really has the power to just say no. Or maybe she does... hell I don't know, I'm pretty sure Lucas was just making this shit up as he went along. It probably explains how she could go from a Queen of a planet, to a Senator representative of said planet and somehow maintain the same level of power. She was also a democratically elected Queen, so I guess Naboo's government is a "democratic monarchy"? Maybe that's a thing. Anywho, way off track, we snap back in as the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin, Zam Wesell (Leeanna Walsman), who is killed by her client, a bounty hunter, before she can reveal his identity. The Jedi Council instructs Obi-Wan to find the bounty hunter, while Anakin is tasked to protect Padmé and escort her back to Naboo, where he expresses his romantic feelings for her... in all the painful and awkward ways you could imagine. If there was a writing award for "best adaptation of what it's like going through puberty and trying to do something with your first boner", George Lucas would win it for years.

"Should we like... move or something?"
"Stand still, we must. Look cool, this does."

Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to some poorly-computer-generated fuck named Dexter Jettster... no that's not a typo... who leads him to some elderly bitch in the Jedi archives library that tells him he's nuts and that his planet doesn't exist... which leads to him and Master Yoda (Frank Oz) getting schooled by a toddler on the mission at hand... which finally leads him to the mysterious ocean planet of Kamino, where he discovers an army of clones being produced for the Republic in a deceased Jedi's name, with bounty hunter Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) serving as their genetic template. Who was the deceased Jedi? Sifo-Dyas. Who was he? Who cares. Obi-Wan deduces Jango to be the bounty hunter he is seeking... which at this point, anybody with a brain stem could figure out, and after a brief battle, places a homing beacon on Jango's ship, the Slave I. Oh and by the way... yes, a child Boba Fett is shoehorned into the movie just for fans to gleam over. So long, incredibly mysterious and interesting backstory. Obi-Wan then follows Jango and Boba to the planet Geonosis, which looks like a better version of Saturn.

"AROUND THE BLOG TEXT A PERIMETER CREATE."

Meanwhile, Anakin is troubled by visions of his mother, Shmi, in pain and decides to head to Tatooine with Padmé to save her, giving an utmost middle finger to his mission. His old boss, Jewish-stereotype Watto (we'll get to that) reveals that he sold Shmi to moisture farmer Cliegg Lars (Jack Thompson), who then freed and married her. Cliegg tells Anakin that she was abducted by Tusken Raiders weeks earlier and was likely dead. You never heard of Tusken Raiders acting this evil, so this is actually an interesting twist on the lore. At least... if you're like me, you didn't hear about that. Kids who spent money on one of those useless books probably already knew. Anakin ventures out and discovers Shmi at the Tusken campsite, still alive, but she dies in his arms. Enraged, Anakin massacres the tribe... which is a real "fuck me" moment. He later declares to Padmé that he will find a way to prevent the deaths of those he loves... which she somehow finds attractive because soon enough, she'll confirm her love for him. See how this doesn't make sense? Haha.

A guy who looks like Boba Fett. May not look like much,
but this image in the trailer probably sold a shitload of tickets.

Meanwhile, back on Geonosis, Obi-Wan discovers a Separatist gathering led by Count Dooku, who is developing a droid army with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray (Silas Carson). Obi-Wan transmits his findings to the Jedi Council, but is subdued by Separatist droids. Senate Representative Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) (we will get to him, do not worry) proposes a vote to grant emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), where the successful outcome allows the clone army to be authorized. Aside from that, Anakin and Padmé go to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan, but are captured by Jango and taken away. You're probably wondering why the bad guys don't just kill them and be done with it? Why do they put them in a situation where they can clearly escape? Well, keep wondering those things. In the Geonosis colosseum, Dooku sentences the trio to death, but they are saved by a battalion of clone troopers led by Yoda, Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson), and other Jedi. Which is just... a terrible misuse of Jedi. So many of them die! I thought the Jedi were supposed to be smarter than that! Windu beheads Jango during the ensuing chaos. Obi-Wan and Anakin, following a pretty cool desert gun battle, intercept Dooku, and the three engage in a lightsaber battle. Easily the weakest and feelings-lacking lightsaber duel of the saga. Better than VIII though, which really didn't even have a lightsaber duel. Dooku injures Obi-Wan and severs Anakin's right arm, but Yoda intercepts and defends them. Why does Yoda duel? Fan service. He just jumps around like nuts while Dooku kind of just spins his blade around in circles. In a real dick move, Dooku uses Force powers to distract Yoda and flees to Coruscant, where he delivers information for a superweapon to his Sith master, Darth Sidious. As the Jedi acknowledge the beginning of the Clone Wars, Anakin is fitted with a robotic hand and secretly marries Padmé on Naboo with C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) as witnesses. That's right... it's like getting married and listing your toaster and your oven as witnesses. That's it, bam. Music swells. End credits.

Love in Star Wars. Creepy and weird in other films.

So that was basically, that was Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones. It's pretty dull. It's the middle of the prequels, which are the second group of movies produced for the saga. The prequels, as a whole, are often regarded as the worst movies in the saga, but thanks to the sequels that have come since, that has been tossed up in the air for debate. Me? It certainly is more entertaining than Star Wars: The Last Jedi, that's for sure... but that's not saying much. That's like saying a can of Diet Pepsi is more entertaining than a library card... like neither of which are entertaining the slightest, but at least the Diet Pepsi can has more to read on it. Ewan McGregor strained his back carrying the movie... did I make that joke already? Well who cares, I'll make it again. Natalie Portman tries desperately to save the movie herself with her acting, but the dud that falls flat is Hayden Christensen. Like... if he is good at playing a horny teenager, that doesn't change the fact that it's an outright uncomfortable performance to watch. I mean, there are scenes where he's tolerable, but then there are scenes where he's so dry and so emotionless that you wonder if he's even really there. He gawks at Padme like a creep, he plays grabass with his respect to Obi-Wan, he blames his problems on others, and he basically suffers from A.D.D. as in one scene he talks about four different conversation topics in two minutes. It's an overwhelmingly awful performance, but upon rewatching the film recently, it doesn't really detract from the movie too much... but it is painful to sit through in some scenes.

Hang in there, Ewan. Only one more movie you have to
help carry.

I don't know, it's just a boring, awkward movie. It's very, very cartoony, as this is the film where the CGI was really starting to get out of control. I mean like... nearly everything in this movie is at least ninety percent digitally animated. There's not one clone trooper in this movie that's a flesh and blood actor, they're all digitally created people. So many shots for this movie were just completed in front of green screens and people who weren't even in the same room with one another are no bouncing movie lines off one another on screen. It's crazy because not even a whole lot happens, except lots of talking about politics and misguided boner feelings. You can tell these movies felt like they came off an assembly line, like they were all basically two hour toy advertisements, as every battle, planet, or even discussion scene had to show off something new. This is where the heyday of Star Wars fandom came in for me when I was growing up, but this movie also had an absurd amount of tie-in games, many of which were good, many of which are forgettable. It's just a weird, cartoonish, child-like entry in the Star Wars saga. A symbol of a bizarre place in motion picture history.

For more of my nitpicks and gripes about the filmmaking and the lore, in greater detail, check out the link I put above leading you to the "Nitpick Express" post I did nearly three years ago (Jesus H. Christ, time sure moves fast). Check in soon for when we unravel the boringest thing in the history of boring things...

Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #10 - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Pee-yousa. Something is rotten in the state of Skywalker Ranch. Oh whoops, never mind. George Lucas sold it. Also, I'm sorry. It's too early for Jar Jar jokes. Here we are, officially kicking off the "Ranking of the Star Wars movies" countdown, right here on Spoiler Alert! This is my ranking of the Star Wars movies. That's right, mine. Which makes the opinion mine, which means if you don't like it and think I'm an idiot, go piss up a rope. Hmm... perhaps that was too aggressive. Apologies: I'll dial it back. *Ahem* "Go politely drop your trousers and urinate in an upward flexing motion so that you rinse a hanging cord made by twisting together strands of natural fibers, such as hemp or artificial fibers such as "polypropylene" (God I hope I spelled that right) to demonstrate how little I value the time it would take for you to try and convince me I'm wrong about Star Wars.

Simon says "Carry the movie"

So, for a short introduction to those who don't know me or haven't gone back to the infantile days of this blog: Star Wars has shaped my love of filmmaking like very few films ever have, and it's quite honestly the biggest pop culture phenomenon of all time. So much so that it's still going strong even after forty years and it was all I talked about early on. Like... all I talked about. This franchise will never die. You thought Disney bringing it back and making one movie a year was going to rub it in your face? Well... it will, but at least they're rethinking their strategies a little so that we don't suffocate in all the excess of Star Wars. Lookin' at you, Marvel. Well I suppose it's time to get in the pool, even though this one makes it more like a cesspool. What was the line in Full Metal Jacket? "It's a big shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite."

In the midst of the Disney sequel trilogy, kicked off in 2015 by Star Wars: The Force Awakens and boy we'll get to that one, the follow-up was geared and ready for a December 2017 release. J.J. Abrams, co-writer and director of The Force Awakens, had written treatments for where he wanted sequel saga to go, understanding full-well he would not be the director of the next two movies. Or so we thought... hardy har har. His treatments were promptly looked at, used to wipe the asses of Disney executives, and tossed in the executive lounge's shiniest golden garbage can. In walks a dorky looking goof named Rian Johnson. Don't know who Rian Johnson is? Well it's alright, I don't either. He had made Looper by this point and that was literally it. Since his entry into Star Wars, he's directed a movie called Knives Out, which I've actually heard is pretty good. So maybe he isn't such a dipshit after all, because Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the eighth episode of this saga and the second of the Disney trilogy sucks frogs legs through a sewer line. It sucks eggs through a vacuum cleaner. It sucks the second coat of paint off of your '95 Honda. I didn't think any of the prequels could be topped, but boy oh boy, Rian; you made one long-winded, slow-moving, confusing, over-blown weaponized bitch slap of a Star Wars movie. This is Star Wars: The Last Jedi, a movie that teaches us that even though a movie can be a sequel, it doesn't have to behave like one. How bad is it? Well, the Klingon bad guy in Star Trek V said it best: "Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior's mettle". Take that how you want.

I guess when he winked, I should've known no cool duel
was going to take place.

The movie opens up after a clunkily worded opening crawl, shortly after the destruction of First Order's Starkiller Base, General Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) leads the evacuation of Resistance forces from D'Qar, when a First Order fleet arrives. Turns out the First Order didn't really need Starkiller Base because they still have Dreadnought class ships on standby even they overwhelm and overtake the Resistance. Can't understand why these morons are such a problem for the evildoers. Against Leia's orders, Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) leads a costly counterattack that destroys a First Order Dreadnought. The remaining Resistance escapes into hyperspace, but the First Order uses a device to track them, and attacks again. Turns out hyperspace is useless now, too. Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) hesitates to fire on the lead Resistance ship after sensing his mother Leia's presence on board, but his wingmen destroy the bridge, killing most of the Resistance's leaders... including Admiral Ackbar. Rian Johnson had serious balls to kill off Admiral Ackbar. Leia is dragged into space, but survives by using the power of Mary Poppins. How did she survive in space? I believe Mary Poppins herself could sum it up: "I never explain anything". So while Leia recuperates from the whatever-just-happened-to-her, Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo (Laura Dern) assumes command of the Resistance. Running low on fuel, the remaining fleet is pursued by the First Order... and get used to this, because it's the overlapping arc of the entire movie... and somehow it isn't even the dullest arc of the movie. I mean Jeee-eee-ee-eee-eee-sus.

*Laughs in meme*

By now, you're probably wondering where your OP Mary Sue lead character is! Well, while all this slowness is happening, Rey (Daisy Ridley) travels to Ahch-To (Gesundheit) with Chewbacca (Some tall guy) and R2-D2 aboard the Millennium Falcon, and attempts to recruit Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) to the Resistance. Under self-imposed exile, Luke refuses to help and says that the Jedi should end, but encouraged by R2-D2, he trains Rey in the ways of the Force. Three lessons, to be exact. Three lessons and she's a pro and good to go? Well I guess I'll have to live with that, she did best Ren, a supposedly well-trained Sith Lord at the end of the last movie while she herself had little to no training, so I guess I'll roll with it. Speaking of Rey and Kylo Ren's awkward "are they siblings or are they lovers" arc, the two of them begin communicating through the Force, which puzzles them both... and us too. After Kylo tells Rey what happened between him and Luke that caused him to choose the dark side, Luke confesses that he momentarily contemplated killing Kylo upon sensing that Snoke (Andy Serkis) was corrupting him; this prompted Kylo to destroy Luke's new Jedi Order. Convinced that Kylo can be redeemed... despite murdering fellow children and trying to also murder Luke for a crime Luke didn't even commit, Rey leaves Ahch-To. Luke prepares to burn the Jedi library, but hesitates. The spirit of Luke's master Yoda (Frank Oz) appears and destroys the library by summoning a bolt of lightning, even as a Force ghost and encourages Luke to learn from his failure. This is something you'll have to get used to with the sequels. They play grabass with the Force a lot. The Force can keep a person alive in space and, even if you're dead, you can conjure lightning, set a tree and a bunch of old books on fire, and laugh about it. God I missed asshole puppet Yoda.

In the dullest of the arcs (arguably, anyway. Not much competition), Poe entrusts Finn (John Boyega), mechanic Rose Tico (Kelly Marie Tran), and everybody's favorite Wilson volleyball BB-8 with a secret mission to deactivate the First Order's tracking device so they can escape through hyperspace and not be tracked. A shoehorned cameo by Maz Kanata (Lupita Nyong'o) along with like... four lines from C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) directs them to the casino town of Canto Bight, where they meet the hacker DJ (Benicio Del Toro... for some reason). Pursued by the First Order, they escape the city with the help of stablehand children and racing animals they set free... after some bloated speech from Rose about why the people on Canto Bight are assholes for selling weapons to the First Order. She hammers stupid opinions into our heads worse than some schmuck with a blog... wait, ignore that. *Ahem* Finn, Rose, and DJ infiltrate Snoke’s flagship, but are captured by everybody's favorite throwaway action figure, Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie). Remember Captain Phasma? Meanwhile, Kylo brings Rey to Snoke, who reveals that he created the connection between her and Kylo as part of a plan to defeat Luke. Which is a lameass plan. How would that help them defeat Luke? Bring him out of hiding to fight Snoke with Rey mono e mono? Yeah, you wish. If you guessed "hide on his planet and Force project himself to death as nothing more than a distraction", you're right! Thanks for playing. Man, say what you want about Harry Potter and how much of a fucking idiot Voldemort is with all of his retarded plans, but Palp...er... I mean "Snoke" (dodged a spoiler there, *whew*) isn't any smarter. The worst thing about Star Wars is that it's one long narrative told by too many different people that couldn't come together on what the overarching story should have been. Wait, yes they did. George Lucas had a story, then everybody decided it wasn't good enough all because he couldn't write... or direct actors... hang on, I'm getting ahead of myself, let's back up a few steps.

TOTALLY NOT "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK". Nothing to see here.

Elsewhere, Holdo plans to evacuate the remaining members of the Resistance using small transport vessels. Believing her plan to be cowardly and futile, Poe leads a mutiny. Leia recovers and stuns Poe with a blaster, allowing the evacuation to proceed. Holdo remains aboard the ship as a decoy to mislead Snoke's fleet as the others flee to an abandoned base on Crait. What is Crait? It's Hoth in a bargain bin. DJ buys his freedom by revealing the Resistance's plan to General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson), and the First Order fleet begins firing on the evacuation transports, destroying many. You know... if you've watched The Rise of Skywalker by now, you'd know why this is such a hilarious turn of events. Especially since this doesn't take place too long before that one. Rejoining another stage adaptation of "Star Wars's Greatest Hits", Kylo is ordered to kill Rey, but instead kills Snoke and defeats his Praetorian Guard with her help. There's your surprise twist. Hope it made sense. Rey hopes that Kylo has abandoned the dark side, but he instead asks her to rule the galaxy with him. Is the dark side of the Force even a thing? Kylo can save Rey and kill a bunch of bad guys while claiming to still be evil, while Luke Skywalker can kill a bunch of guards and blow up Jabba the Hutt and still claim to be good. The sides of the Force don't make any sense if they can just claim a side regardless. Well, anybody with a brain stem could tell she'd refuse, so she battles him for control of Luke’s lightsaber, bisecting the weapon. If you've seen The Rise of Skywalker, you'd know why this too is such a hilarious turn of events. Meanwhile, Holdo sacrifices herself by slicing through Snoke's flagship at lightspeed, crippling the First Order fleet. I'll admit, that was a pretty cool scene. Meanwhile, Rey escapes the destruction while Kylo declares himself Supreme Leader of the Worst Order. BB-8 frees Finn and Rose; they defeat Phasma and join the survivors on Crait. When the First Order arrives, Poe, Finn, and Rose attack with obsolete speeders.. totally not re-enacting The Empire Strikes Back. Don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy. Stop making stuff up. Look its different, because Rey's here! Poe too! It's not derivative! Rey and Chewbacca draw TIE fighters away in the Falcon, while Rose stops Finn from sacrificing himself... in a hilarious move that could have surely killed them both when she crashed into his ship and sent them both rolling along the surface.

"Finn, do you want to get blah blah blah"
"Of course, Rose! We need the blah blah so
we can the yaddi-yadda!"

Just when you thought all hope seems lost, Luke appears and confronts the First Order, allowing the surviving Resistance to escape. Is he going to have a badass duel with Kylo and settle the score? Are we going to finally see Luke kick some ass in this movie? Ha, get real. Kylo orders the First Order's forces to fire on Luke, but they fail to harm him. Shit, Luke's enabled the God mode cheat. He then engages Luke in a lightsaber duel, if you can even call it that. Upon striking Luke, Kylo realizes that Luke is not physically present, but projecting his image to Crait through the Force. Yet another Force power they just willy-nilly made up or pulled from those books I didn't care to read. Rey helps the remaining Resistance escape on the Falcon. An exhausted Luke dies peacefully on Ahch-To, becoming one with the Force. Rey and Leia sense his death, and Leia tells Rey that the Resistance can rise again... Music rises. Music plays. Written & Directed by Rian Johnson.

Oh wait no, I forgot about the silly trailer for Rian Johnson's trilogy that won't happen that's at the end of the movie. At Canto Bight, the stablehands recount the story of Luke Skywalker; afterward, one of them moves a broom with the Force and gazes into space... then the credits hit.

Come on, Kylo. Treat me as you would your father.

So that was Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It's pushy, it's purposefully annoying, and it really is one sluggish bowel movement. You're on the toilet, clenching, pushing; begging for something... and then when it's done... you don't have anything to show for it. That's what this movie is. One failed, constipated trip to the can. Every scene hints at a possible something, but it either just doesn't pay off or pays off in a hilarious way. I mean... why did Rose think Finn wouldn't die if she just crashed into him to save his life? Why would Snoke be built up as somebody but just to be shamelessly killed off. Yes, we know now but I'm talking at the time. It's like somebody handed you half a worksheet in school to fill out the other half, and you just crumpled it up, tossed it, then told the teacher you needed a new one. I really wanted to see Luke Skywalker kick some ass in this movie, harkening back to his days in Return of the Jedi, but every time he had a chance, he didn't. He would rather just mope on a tropical planet and eek toward death. Don't give me the "Oh Mark Hamill's too old to move like that". If Lucas can digitally slap Christopher Lee's head on some young guy's body all shittily with a computer, this movie can do it too.

"What's up, Puppet pal Mitch?"

There's just so many problems I have with this movie's story... but it's so hard to nail down because I've only seen it twice. I haven't even bothered to rewatch it, I just can't sit through it. Yes, if you followed me on Snapchat, I even skipped it and went straight to IX. I knew the rumors; I knew IX retconned the shit out of this one. There's so many things in this one that just don't matter anymore, because half of the movie is treading water anyway. So many things happen, then are twisted, only to happen anyway. Like Luke burning down the tree... only to get stopped by Yoda... only for Yoda to do what Luke was going to do anyway. Rian Johnson wanted to subvert fan expectations, but what he didn't understand about Star Wars fans is that our expectations were already rock-bottom. While I enjoyed The Force Awakens, many found it too derivative to have any hope for the other two, and I can see where they're all coming from. To sum it up before I keep rambling, this one I can do without. The story doesn't go anywhere for at least ninety minutes, Luke Skywalker is laughably misused, Rey is at her Reyest with her boring personality, good looks and kind of lame presence as the supposed "be-all, end-all" hero that will bring the nine part saga to a definitive close, Kylo Ren carries the fucking movie on his back, Poe's arc is riveting enough about being a hothead, Finn and Rose practically put me in a coma, the movie ended about thirty minutes after it should have, the awkward pacing is clunkier than an old Volkswagen, and literally ever LINE of FORCED COMEDY fell flat for me. Slapstick comedy and Star Wars go together like peanut butter and carpet.

Now I'm all riled up. At least I got this one out of the way, but that's not saying much about the watchability of the next one... ugh. Stay tuned.