The Nitpick Express - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Hello there, Captain Tarpals. Meesa back!

No but seriously, it's time to check back in. The Nitpicker does not rest when there is nitpicking to be had! For those of you who read and enjoyed my nitpicking of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, I decided to move forward (naturally) and continue with the saga. Not only that, but I also decided to possibly expand out and nitpick other movies/franchises as well.

Star Wars Episode II has the distinction of being considered the worst in the saga, and disappointing fans even more than Episode I. Hokey dialogue, deadpan acting, goofy CGI; of course, if you've ever visited my blog in the past, you already know that. I have a feeling there's a plethora of things to tear into and to rip apart through the horrific act of nitpicking. Same deal as last time:

DISCLAIMER: Most of these nitpicks will be done for fun. Some of them are genuine complaints about the movie, but most of them will be just me being a dork. You'll be able to tell which ones.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS
presents
STAR WARS Episode II - Attack of the Clones

1. Title: Attack of the Clones, ehh? George has officially graduated from 1930's horror movie serials to 1950's science-fiction B-movies.
2. Pan Up: The only Star Wars movie to pan up after the crawl. It's throwing you curveballs and you haven't even seen anything yet.
3. "There Was No Danger At All": Saying shit like this should be banned in movies. It's like a summoning spell for the grim reaper. It's just like saying "It's quiet...too quiet." Next thing you know WHAM! Somebody's dead.
4. Decoy Voice: Early on, the decoy is shown to have Padme's voice, tricking the audience into thinking it really is Padme. Then while she's dying in Padme's arms, her voice is radically different. I think it would've been funny if the decoy died talking to Padme in Padme's own voice.
5. "I'm Sorry I Failed You": The decoy, who by now was more barbecued than the Sunday lunch menu at Outback Steakhouse, apologizes to Padme for 'failing her'. Wait, isn't that exactly what she was supposed to do? Die for Padme in her place? You know... like a DECOY?!
6. "I shouldn't have come back": An assassination attempt by way of ship explosion kills everyone in a Naboo cruiser, including the decoy. Padme runs up, watches her die, then reels back and says "I shouldn't have come back." Confusing to say the least. If she was summoned there, she has no choice but to be there. If she came there on her own free will, then your decoy did her job. Don't get so emotionally attached to things that are trained to die in your place.
7. Palpatine's Radical Aging: The first you see Palpatine in Episode II, he looks like he's eight-hundred years old. His skin is pale, the outlines of his eyes are red and he looks just overall unkempt. Star Wars canon will come to the rescue and blame that radical dark side aging, but I think maybe the make-up guy took the day off and George overlooked this during his period of CGI tampering. Speaking of which...
8. Computer Generated Shit: Episode I gets only somewhat of a free pass. Its computer graphics are a lot like the Nintendo 64. They were trying to be more than they could be, but they haven't aged well in the years since. Episode II on the other hand looks like a rerun of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. It was here that the CGI really got out of hand. This movie was built in a computer, produced in a computer, and I'm honestly surprised Lucas committed to continue using real actors. Every shot is more than fifty percent computer-generated, and the effects don't look near as good as the classic practical effects of the original trilogy.
9. Static Camera Shots: On top of the assness of the CGI, then we have the most boring display of cinematography in recent years. Sure most of the action scenes get some fun camera angles, but the dialogue scenes? It's just static camera shot, with actors walking and talking... standing and talking... or sitting and talking. It's not a very gripping experience, and somehow only Episode III is the other one to suffer with this, it feels like.
10. Yoda Gets Ignored: When Padme walks into the Chancellor's office, Yoda genuinely walks up to her and offers his support, saying that "seeing her alive brings warm feelings to his heart". She immediately blows him off and wonders who killed her. The bitch.
11. No Mystery Whatsoever: One of the funniest things about Episode II is also one of the worst things. The entire plot is solved in five minutes. When Padme wonders who tried to kill her, Mace Windu points out "disgruntled spice miners". Padme immediately blows him off too (the bitch) and immediately accuses Count Dooku, sight unseen. This wouldn't be such a big deal, except she's absolutely right. There; mystery solved, and there's still two hours left.
    
    What's even worse is that they decide not to tell Obi-Wan about who did it and send him off on the investigation anyway.
12. Thought of Losing You is Unbearable: Palpatine convinces Padme to go under protection of the Jedi by saying "the thought of losing her is unbearable". Having Palpatine say things we know are lies but overact whilst saying them is awkward to watch.
13. Mullet Man: Obi-Wan decided to grow a mullet since he got the braid cut off.
14. Hayden Christensen: I wonder what was on Hayden Christensen's acting resume that landed him this role. I've watched interviews with him speaking and emoting; either he can't act for the love of fuck or he can't stop acting. Almost like he's cursed to mumble his way through life. Mark Hamill suffered from the same thing during Return of the Jedi but at least it felt like Mark was trying. Couple that with cornhole, butt-ass dialogue and you've got the greatest character in the history of shitty cinema.
15. Senator Binks: Jar Jar's back, and now he's a senator in the Republic. First a general then a senator. That makes me want to stop the movie and go and do something constructive with my life. 
16. "Good to see you again, Jar Jar": Obi-Wan Kenobi is the perfect example of how you greet that annoying slut who treated you like shit in high school at your 30-year class reunion.
17. "Grown More Beautiful": When he meets Padme for the first time in ten years, Padme tells him that "he's grown". Anakin, in his romanticism that knows no bounds, responds with "So have you. Far more beautiful, I mean. For a Senator, I mean." Rave of the century. But OH WAIT, it gets better.
18. Tag-Team of Terrible: Obi-Wan and Anakin can't even keep it together for five seconds before they start arguing with each other. All because Anakin, we can assume, has the first boner of his life and Obi-Wan makes him feel like less of a man
19. Anakin the Diva: Anakin gets all bent out of shape and whines to Jar Jar just because Padme didn't like his stupid-shit pickup line, if you can even call what he said a pickup line. I have theories as to why that is: 1) Somebody tried killing her that day, so she's a little on edge, or 2) You're a fucking creep sporting 24/7 rape-face. 
20. Try something more subtle: Jango Fett tells his cohort that since the ship explosion didn't work, they'll have to "try something more subtle". Wears a jetpack with a helmet carrying at least thirty pounds of artillery and this guy wants to talk about subtly. What's his master back-up plan of subtly? Poisonous worms. Just bomb the apartment, you fucking nimrod.
21. "I don't think she liked me watching her": Well who would you horny, awkward goober?!
22. Subtle jabs: When Obi-Wan tells Anakin that Anakin's senses aren't as in-tune as his, Anakin calls him out on it. Are you serious? What are you, a walking insecurity?
23. Anakin has ADD: Anakin can't focus on one conversation topic for more than twenty seconds. In a span of about two minutes, Anakin goes from talking about why he can't sleep, to his mother, to dreaming about Padme, to how Obi-Wan's wrong about Palpatine.
24. Haphazard lightsaber: So when Anakin senses the poisonous worms ready to kill Padme, he runs into her room, immediately ignites his lightsaber and kills them each with a swing of the blade. How did he not be aware of the fact she could lurch, move or even twitch at any moment? What a twist the movie would take if he took a swing at a worm and cut off Padme's torso.
25. Swan dive out the window: Obi-Wan shows a lapse in judgment by full-on diving out of bajillionth-story window, just to latch onto the droid that delivered the poisonous worms to Padme's apartment. What if he missed? Anakin couldn't get to a speeder in time before Obi-Wan just splats on the sidewalk.
26. Grand Theft Anakin: Anakin, to chase after his master, steals a speeder. What's worse is he didn't even get any star wanted level for it.
27. "I couldn't find a speeder I really liked": When Obi-Wan asks Anakin what kept him, Anakin replies that he couldn't find a speeder he really liked. I think this was just a joke by Anakin to bust Obi-Wan's balls, but with his deadpan delivery you really can't tell, because then he goes on and on about it having the wrong features and the wrong color. The joke was dead-on-arrival, Anakin. Drop it.
28. Anakin is ready for death: As they hurtle downwards toward a giant ship, Obi-Wan begs Anakin to pull up so they don't crash and die in a blaze of glory. What's Anakin doing diving towards this fate? Laughing. For no other reason other than he's a prick.
29. Power couplings: During the chase, Anakin follows the runaway assassin through an electrical fence. As they're being electrocuted, Obi-Wan asks Anakin how many times he has to tell him not to do that. Lucas would call this recklessness, I call it being a dipshit.
30. "This is a shortcut": Anakin purposefully ditches the assassin's tail, he talks about how he's taking a shortcut, but follows it up with "...I think". Obi-Wan must be proud to fly with such an ignoramus as a Padawan.
31. "If you'll excuse me": ...and just as Obi-Wan is chastising him for losing the assassin's trail, Anakin spots the assassin's speeder out of a crowd of about ten million speeders, leaps out of his speeder and plummets toward the ground. What tops this childish, over-the-top attempt at being a badass? Obi-Wan commenting "I hate it when he does that", meaning Anakin must try and kill himself on a regular basis.
32. Defying physics: Anakin not only doesn't hit terminal velocity falling toward the surface, but when he lands on the assassin's speeder he doesn't even break one bone. Star Wars fans would then use canon to explain how he did it. I still call bullshit because, as Spock once said, "Even logic must give way to physics".
33. Butterfingers: Anakin doesn't tussle with the assassin ten seconds before losing his lightsaber and watching it fly away from him. Anakin's grip is about as tight as Jenna Jameson's asshole. Luckily Obi-Wan somehow found them, caught up to them, and catches Anakin's lightsaber out of midair simply by putting his hand up for it.
34. Man of steel: To end the chase, Anakin slides off of the enemy's speeder, falls a good forty-to-fifty feet before landing on the ground and tumbling into a bunch of solid crates. How does Anakin shrug off such a painful fall? By mildly gesturing that he has a tummy-ache. My God, it's like his acting its so bad, it's created an impenetrable shield for him.
35. Ill-timed lecture: Just as Anakin follows the assassin into a nightclub, Obi-Wan finds him and begins lecturing him about why he's a dill hole and tells him to stop losing his shit over meaningless things. Obi-Wan couldn't wait until after the assassin's captured to be a parent about everything?
36. "You're going to be the death of me": As they enter the nightclub, Obi-Wan asks Anakin why he feels like Anakin is going to be the death of him. It's supposed to be funny because Vader kills Obi-Wan on the Death Star two movies from now. Contrary to what George Lucas's yes-man subordinates tell him, this lazy attempt at foreshadowing is unnecessary.
37. Elan Sleazebaggano: While Obi-Wan forces Anakin to hunt for the assassin, he enjoys a drink at the bar. There, some low-life Teen-Wolf wannabe asks him if he wants to buy "death sticks". While I do find the scene pretty funny, the dude literally has "sleazebag" in his name. It's like Lucas was on a deadline for creating the character so he just threw a couple letters onto an adjective and said "Boom! Last name."
38. "Jedi business": After Obi-Wan publicly disarms the assassin, literally, Anakin turns to the onlookers and actually says "Jedi business, go back to your drinks". It's too adorable, almost like if walked up to a bunch of 5th graders pummeling a 3rd grader, and one turned to me and said "Playground kickball business, go back to your grown-up stuff".
39. "Who hired you?": Outside the club, the two Jedi query the assassin as to who hired her. Just before a convenient toxic dart of convenience kills her, she mentions that a bounty hunter did. Question: Why would a bounty hunter, someone who makes money capturing/killing people, hire somebody kill somebody else? Either Jango Fett is just plain lazy or he's actually a pretty shitty bounty hunter.
40. "...not to start an investigation": Not twenty minutes ago, Obi-Wan tells Padme that he and Anakin "are there to protect her, not to start an investigation". Yet now he's all of a sudden concerned with who hired the assassin and who's trying to kill Padme? Pick a mission objective and stick to it, man.
41. Yoda the Pimp: During the Jedi council scene where they're given assignments, Yoda assigns Anakin the job of watching over and protecting Padme. Yoda knows how to hook a brother up.
42. Representative Binks: Padme decides that in her absence, she's going to doom the galaxy by leaving Jar Jar in charge of her senator position while she goes into hiding. If she truly wanted ruin the galaxy, she couldn't have done a better job.
43. Anakin the Backstabber: While preparing to leave and go into hiding together, Anakin decides to throw Obi-Wan under the bus and blames his inadequacies on him, all while Padme just awkwardly packs her bags. He's been back with her for one day and all of a sudden feels comfortable enough to unload all of his insecurities on her. Padme is so blessed.
44. Obi-Wan the Backstabber: At that same moment in the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan tells his masters that Anakin will probably let them down because his abilities have made him arrogant and he feels as though Anakin isn't ready for his first assignment on his own. He's probably worried about who'll protect Padme while she's sleeping.
45. "Don't Do Anything Without Asking Me": Before he departs, Anakin is lectured by Obi-Wan "not to do anything without first consulting himself or the counsel". Normally, I'd harp on Obi for coming off like a worry-wart parent, but Anakin probably needed to be told that.
46. Betting on Failure: It kinda takes the gravity away from the situation when both Obi-Wan and Captain whatshisname both bet that either Padme or Anakin (or both) are going to royally fuck things up.
47. Padme's Inconsistency: As they walk to their transport, Anakin and Padme both relate how their scared since they're on their own. This makes no sense since Padme's already been the queen of a planet, dealt with legislation, politics, invasions, and bloodthirsty viceroys. I think she'll be okay.
48. "Don't Worry, We Have R2": Following that, Padme then says "don't worry, we have R2 with us" and they share a laugh. If R2 could speak English, I feel like he'd respond with something to the effect of "Go fuck yourself, you over-glorified queen dropout."
49. 1950's in Space: To start his investigation, Obi-Wan stops off in the Star Wars equivalent of a 50's greaser diner. It's like George never stopped making the sequel to American Graffiti.
50. Jawa Juice: What the fuck is 'Jawa Juice'? It's either 'juice from Jawas' or 'juice of Jawas'. No, you know what? I don't care what it is. I don't want it.
51. Dexter Jettster: Aside from having a stupid name, on par with "Elan Sleazebaggano", Obi-Wan's friend is a fat fuck burger flipper who also knows about the cloners on Kamino and how they operate. The only thing missing is if after Dex gives Obi-Wan the information, he asked "would you like fries with that?" As in prequel tradition, the CGI is absolute garbage, but that fits Dex's character nicely. So...its artsy? I guess?
52. A Deleted Planet: Obi-Wan is later seen perusing the Jedi archives and found that somebody deleted Kamino. When Obi-Wan goes to assume that it's been deleted, the Jedi librarian ("Jedibrarian", if you will) tells him that the planet he's looking for doesn't exist. So Dexter Jettster knows of Kamino, but the Jedi, force-sensitive beings of great knowledge, don't? Suck my balls.
53. "If it is not in our system, it doesn't exist": What an egotistical bitch. I hate the librarian. She's just all like "if it's not in our search results, it doesn't exist". It's like something Google would say if it became a totalitarian regime that became drunk with power.
54. Lake Country on Naboo: Padme can afford a nice-ass apartment as well as a mansion lodge in the lake country of Naboo. I don't know what a Senator makes a year, but concerning the layout and décor of her homes, she's either laundering money or she's extremely overpaid. Being a politician, she's no doubt corrupt in some way.
55. Anakin Doesn't Like Sand: Just after they arrive at Padme's beach resort, Padme entertains Anakin with a 'riveting' story about how she used to swim in the lake and lie in the sand to guess names of birds. Anakin, in his awkward, stupid-ass charm that continues to baffle and appall me, responds with the following:
    

    "I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like you. You're everything soft and smooth."

    
    Even if this was an honest-to-God attempt from Lucas, that has to be one of the cheesiest, stupidest, most-laughable try-to-get-in-her-pants comeback lines I've ever heard, movie or not. Anakin may only be nineteen, but most nineteen year olds I know don't even talk like that. Granted they talk even lamer, but that's not the point. The point is that if Anakin doesn't have anything intelligible to say, he shouldn't say anything at all. In fact, didn't Obi-Wan warn Anakin to check with him or the council before he did anything? He should've jolly-well asked the council if he could say that line. I guarantee you Mace Windu would've brain-scrambled him with the force.
56. Obi-Wan, Private-Eye: Since the librarian mistreated him, Obi-Wan goes to Yoda with a question as to where the planet Kamino may be. They display a load of stars in the room and Obi-Wan points to a group of stars orbiting some force in the galaxy. Then, neither Obi-Wan or Yoda can deduce that the planet was erased. It takes one of the toddler Jedi to tell them that. Are these two even trying?!
57. Padme Regrets It: During the flight to Naboo, Anakin and Padme share a meal on a cramped refugee freighter. During this whole meal, Padme eats her food and Anakin watches Padme eat her food. With each passing moment, Padme must consider gassing herself on Naboo more and more.
58. Force is Non-Existent: Wouldn't a large, albeit hidden clone facility trigger something in the Force that the Jedi could detect? I feel like such a large concentration of life would give off some kind of trigger.
59. Democratic Monarchy: When Padme and Anakin land on Naboo, she starts telling the story about how her term as Queen ended. She was a Queen that was elected democratically. You know, I once had an idea for a democratic monarchy to make things as different as possible in a story I was writing. Granted, I was in the third grade, but still...
60. Belitting Anakin: When they have their meeting with the current "Queen" (because she's elected), 'invasion crackpot' man from Phantom Menace asks Anakin what "Master Jedi's opinion" is. Without even skipping a beat, Padme shuts him down and belittles Anakin by saying he is only a Padawan.
61. In charge of security: Anakin tries to stick up for himself, saying he's the chief of security. Padme just blows him off and returns to her prior conversation. The bitch.
62. Padme's First Time: During another scene that is oddly romantic, considering what we've had, Padme starts telling Anakin about "her first time". This is a little off-putting for a Star Wars movie, but it's made even worse by Padme mentioning that she was twelve. Let's just pray to whatever God Lucas does that it wasn't statutory.
63. Dinner table Antics: It must be a gimmick in the Star Wars prequels to not have a single dinner-table scene without it going awry or getting painfully quirky for no reason. This time, it's Anakin using the Force to move a pear off of Padme's plate (Douche), cut it into pieces, and then float a piece back over to her. Okay?
64. The Romantic Schlock: By this point, I'm willing to accept that Lucas is trying his hardest. I for one, admit that I cannot write romantic dialogue to save my life. It's harder than you think. Still, the romance in Attack of the Clones is on par with an episode of ThunderCats. As usual, most of the painful, utterly unbearable speech is spewed from Anakin's noise hole. When trying to convince Padme to grant him access to the interior of her trousers, Anakin literally says

    "I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. My heart is beating... hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me... what can I do?"

    His intentions are good, his heart's in the right place, but Lucas's method for screenwriting is on par with tossing a grenade down a gopher hole and "seeing what happens". Plus his directing of live-action actors has the ability to turn Shakespearean stage actors into JCPenney mannequins. As a whole, the prequels serve as proof that Lucas has excellent story ideas, but they're executed poorly when he has total control. Basically, if I were to present a Microsoft PowerPoint over why Lucas should only write story treatments and executive produce projects instead of writing the scripts and directing them, I'd present this scene.
65. The Kaminoans: These aliens are cool, but the setting is blinding. Half the time I watch movies in the dark and when this part comes on, with all that blinding light, I squint through the first part.
66. Sifo-Dyas: Jedi master Sifo-Dyas was named as the guy who made the order for the Clone Army of the Republic. Originally, that was just going to be an alias of Darth Sidious, covering his own ass. Simple, but effective. I like it. Then they decided to have the blasted Expanded Universe and The Clone Wars elaborate on him and build him up as his own character. Now it's "Too painfully elaborate, but still somehow effective."
67. Side-Mystery: Speaking of which, now we're an hour in and you're caking another mystery on top of this cryptic pie of convolutedness? Seems okay, if we still cared.
68. Boba fucking Fett: No. No. I refuse. What's the best way to ruin the backstory of a character who's only saving grace was that you knew nothing about his past and therefore, it made him a cooler character? Well, to show you more of his past, you idiot! Boba Fett, the badass bounty hunter who worked with Darth Vader to capture Han Solo at Cloud City, was a clone that the DNA loaner Jango Fett ordered for himself to raise as his son. Now I'll agree with anyone who says Boba Fett sucks.
69. Rick McCallum the Know-Nothing: In Googling opinions on Boba's inclusion to Episode II, I came across a quote by producer Rick McCallum, who, while promoting the movie I guess, said something to the effect of "You get to understand Boba's relentlessness and how he's so obsessed with destroying every part of the Skywalker family."
    
    Mmkay, well that's just simply wrong. He's so preoccupied with Boba's ability to sell merchandise that he forgot the main purpose of the character was to be a front-and-center, runt-of-the-mill bounty hunter who wanted nothing to do with Skywalker. You get to know that because his role in Return of the Jedi was severely marginalized and he was eaten by the Sarlacc. He wasn't supposed to be anything special, he was just someone that inadvertently became badass because of his lack of a backstory. A backstory that Episode II supplied for literally no reason.
70. Lack of Action: We're only halfway through the movie, and by now you're probably noticing something that's missing. Action. This is quite frankly the most boring, slow-paced, mind-numbing entry in the Star Wars saga. I used to hate watching really slow, romantic movies as a kid and bragged about how something as cool as Star Wars wasn't ever going to be like that. Then Attack of the Clones happened and I got to eat my foot for breakfast the next day.
71. Jango Fett: When Obi-Wan first meets Jango, they talk to each other like two passive aggressive cheerleaders fighting to be cheer captain. They just size each other up again and again. They aren't trying to move the plot along, they're just seeing who has the bigger dick.
72. Diminishing Powers: Just after a conference with Obi-Wan, Mace Windu and Yoda agree that their abilities to use the Force are "diminishing". Since it's something they don't really elaborate on further, this movie or III, I assume this was just a quick jump-to-the-gun to try and  explain why they can't sense that Palpatine's evil.
73. Anakin the Mission-Aborter: Anakin has a nightmare about his mother being in pain and at the flick of the wrist, he decides to ditch the first mission of his career and go to save a woman he hasn't seen in ten years. Padme's just all like "Yeah sure, let's go". At least she's understanding.
74. Obi-Wan vs. Jango: Obi-Wan and Jango finally have a fight whenever the Jedi council requests Obi bring him in for questioning. The fight feels awkward. It literally feels like both of them are trying to fight on a greased-up tile floor with hands dipped in butter. I get that it's because it's raining, but it just feels 'off'.
75. Watto: I'm all for including Watto in more movies. He's too much of a comedic dud to leave out. Plus the fact that he tries to hire Anakin as a loan shark enforcer is hilarious.
76. Owen's Memory: When we get to the Lars farm, we find C-3PO is working there, tending to moisture vaporators. This is a nice induction for him, except it totally shits on the scene in Star Wars where Owen buys C-3PO from the Jawas. How, in the name of fuck, does Owen not remember him working there? I get that multiple C-3PO's exist (i.e. TC-14 from Phantom Menace) but his voice is the same. The exact same. Every time we see a different C-3PO-esque protocol droid they have a different voice. Owen's a dumbfuck and George should be ashamed for ruining that. I get that he hates the original trilogy, but come on!
77. Advanced Aging: So Owen and Beru are 'first introduced' in Attack of the Clones. Owen appears to be in his late 20's/early 30's and Beru appears to be early 20's or even late teens. In Star Wars, they both appear to have aged atrociously. Owen goes from in his prime to senior citizen in 20 years, as does Beru. Must be the two suns.
78. No Padme Left Behind: In his hunt to find his mother, Anakin just leaves Padme behind with people she doesn't know. Or he doesn't even fucking know, for that matter. On top of that, he says "These are good people, Padme. You'll be safe here." First off, if they're bad people, they're not going to say it off of the bat unless they're clinically insane. Secondly, Anakin just met these people. How the hell does he know these people are good people? Seems like a hasty justification just to dump Padme on the sand farmers.
79. Anakin is Vader Reminder #7726: In case you forgot that Anakin is going to eventually become Darth Vader, Lucas sticks in another reference to the fact by not-so-subtly making Anakin's shadow on the homestead appear to be Vader.
80. Asteroids!: The asteroid battle is pretty cool. The physics-shattering "seismic charges" kick some ass. 
81. Anakin the Mass Murderer: Anakin locates Shmi in a Tusken Raider camp. She's barely alive but shares her final moments with him. Telling him that he looks handsome, she soon dies in his arms. What a way to go out. Done in by Tusken Raiders. Shame. How does Anakin react? A solemn cry during a walk back to the Lars farm? Nope. The slaughtering of an entire tribe of Tusken Raiders. Jesus...
82. Geonosis: Saturn has a twin brother named Geonosis that exists in the Star Wars universe. In typical Star Wars fashion, it appears to be hot and sandy.
83. Techno Union: I envision something called "The Techno Union" to be less of a formidable evil force in Star Wars and more of a coalition to restore the validity of techno pop music.
84. Obi-Wan Impossible: When he lands on Geonosis, Obi-Wan decides to infiltrate the CIS's evil cave and spy on meetings from the rafters like Ethan Hunt. Queue the sneak music! *Dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun-dun*.
85. Nute Gunray: I don't understand why this fuckin' guy had to come back. I really don't. The secondary end-all, be-all bad guy of the prequels should not be some microwave melted toad.
86. Christopher Lee: Anything that has Christopher Lee, even the crappiest piece-of-shit schlock in existence, gets an automatic grade of at least a "D" in my book. This movie is no exception.
87. Obi-Wan's capture: Obi-Wan, a skilled Jedi Knight who fought off droidekas as a Padawan, gets captured and overtaken by one and a Geonosian. Why bother capturing him? Why not just kill him?
88. It's All Obi-Wan's fault: Before Obi-Wan gets captured, Anakin starts whining that the fact he couldn't save his mother "is all Obi-Wan's fault". It's like blaming your 2nd grade teacher for your dog dying. I get that he's supposed to be "blinded by rage" but this is pushing it. This also further throws a veil over old Ben Kenobi's "and he was a good friend" remark. Anakin actually seems like a backstabbing weasel to me.
89. I Killed Them: Anakin then breaks down and tells Padme that he killed the entire Tusken Raider camp that stole his mother. He breaks down and sits against he counter. Rather than cuffing Anakin to a sewer pipe and calling 9-1-1, she just kneels down beside him and comforts him. I think his insanity is starting to rub off on her.
90. Not-so-subtle bad guy: Blueface McHornhead, after witnessing Obi-Wan's capture, turns to the party in the office and says flat-out "This is an outrage. The senate must vote emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine!" Subtle. He even tops it by nonchalantly saying "If only senator Amidala were here" in terms of proposing the radical constitutional amendment. He's so sneaky in pushing his boss's evil deeds across. Which leads me to...
91. Jar Jar Fucks the Galaxy: George just couldn't resist, could he? In yet another Senate scene, Mace Windu walks up and witnesses Jar Jar Binks proposing the radical amendment that'll give Palpatine emergency powers to create a Clone Army of the Republic. Un-fucking-believable. Jar Jar gets the last laugh. You know it was Lucas's idea, too. Like "Oh what's that? You hate my treasured comedic creation? Well now he's the one responsible for the original trilogy! Mwahahahaha" and goes cackling off into the sunset.
92. Without saying goodbye: After receiving Obi-Wan's distress call, Padme and Anakin split from Tatooine and take off for Geonosis without even saying goodbye to Anakin's extended family, but also stealing their droid.
93. Dooku: I mentioned earlier that Christopher Lee has a role in this movie, as the elderly Sith Lord Count Dooku, a name that harkens back to Lee's days playing Dracula. Still, the name is redundant. His usual Sith moniker is "Darth Tyrannus", so why go by Count Dooku? What's his real name? On top of that, I get that Christopher Lee is badass, even in advanced age (hell, he played Saruman in the latest Hobbit movie in his mid-90s), but still, couldn't Palpatine pick a younger candidate? Why pick one who's so ancient and moves like he's got arthritis?
94. Every Baddie in the Book: So Dooku has Obi-Wan imprisoned and during the spiel he offers Obi-Wan the chance to join him, which Obi-Wan declines. Using the "hero turns down the bad guy's request to join him" cliche thus further turns Star Wars into a Saturday morning cartoon re-run of The Super Friends.
95. Qui-Gon, the Trainee: Dooku then reveals that "Qui-Gon would've joined him". When Obi-Wan attempts to refute that, Dooku explains that Qui-Gon was his apprentice at one point. A needless twist since, you know, Qui-Gon's dead.
96. Jedi Awareness: When Dooku rips the veil off of Darth Sidious's (Palpatine's) presence in the Senate, Obi-Wan rebuffs it saying "the Jedi would be aware of it". Bullshit. Given half the shit that's happened that they couldn't foresee, I'm gonna have to disagree with Obi-Wan there.
97. Droid Factory: When Anakin and Padme go to rescue Obi-Wan, they enter a large droid factor hidden beneath the surface of Geonosis. Yet another thing those Force-sensitive gurus decide to overlook.
98. Geonosian Blasters: What exactly does a Geonosian blaster rifle fire? It makes a funky-ass sound and it doesn't even look like a solid burst of energy. Looks more like a green gust of wind, like the cartoonish depiction of a fart.
99. Padme, the Useless: Anakin's really the only one who puts up any kind of a fight during the droid factory battle. Padme kind of just runs around, dodges heavy machinery and falls on stuff.
100. R2-D2's Boosters: George sure is the champion of retroactively fucking himself. I mean seriously, what the shit? During the droid factory shootout, R2-D2 activates rocket boosters in his legs and floats across the factory. What the fucking fuck?! When did he ever have those? Wouldn't those have come in handy in the original trilogy, in at least a few instances?! Why the hell did he stop using them? Did he forget how? Did he lose them? If there is even a single hint of a fucking expanded universe explanation to cover George's ass on this lapse-in-judgment, I'm tossing my laptop out the window.
101. C-3PO's Comedy School: Also during the factory shootout, C-3PO decides to dust himself off and try his hand at being a slapstick routine again. It works for two seconds, then you realize you're laughing at Anthony Daniels outright despising the fact that he came back for the prequels and not at C-3PO's shenanigans.
102. Knock His Block Off: As part of his slapstick, C-3PO gets his head knocked off and replaced with a droid's head. His head just so happens to land on a droid head's assembly line where it's place on a droid's body. i think we need a whole 'nother hour of C-3PO getting his ass handed to him by heavy machinery, who's with me?
103. Anakin's Breaks His Lightsaber: Anakin gets overwhelmed by bad guys, seeing as he's the only good guy really doing anything, and gets his lightsaber chopped in half by assembly blades. When he realizes he's fucked, he pouts and says "Oh man, not again. Obi-Wan's gonna kill me." He sounds like a kid who has to repeat the 8th grade and wonders what's gonna happen when his parents find out.
104. Padme Catches the Romance Bug: After they're captured, Padme confesses that she loves Anakin. She doesn't just love him, she "truly, deeply" loves him. This is actually a good attempt on Natalie's part, but it just tries so hard to tie a bow on the build up to them actually falling in love. Like, the scenes prior to this were so clunky, robotic and ridiculous that even after this well-acted delivery, you still don't really buy that they're in love. Anakin acted like a horny chowder head the whole time and Padme, for the most part, was a self-centered bitch that cared little for his feelings until she found out that he systematically killed living creatures in revenge for killing his mother... Ugh.
105. Forgotten Force #1: You guys know what would have helped Anakin and Padme escape the chariot and overwhelm the guards just before being escorted out to the arena, thus giving them the element of surprise on fighting Dooku and Gunray? The Force.
106. Obi-Wan the Sarcastic: As they're hauled out to be executed in the arena, Anakin and Padme are chained next to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan asks if they even got his message, to which Anakin replies that he did and he forwarded it just as Obi-Wan requested, deciding to come rescue him as well. Obi-Wan brushes it off and sarcastically says "good job." It makes me chuckle every time.
107. "I have a bad feeling about this": Usually this line is uttered once in every Star Wars film. This time, Anakin decides to say it right as creatures are coming to eat him. Do you have a bad feeling, Anakin? Do you really?
108. Obi-Pun Kenobi: As Padme picks her lock and climbs her spire, Obi-Wan tells Anakin not to panic and to use the Force. Anakin asks "What about Padme?" and Obi-Wan responds "She seems to be on top of things" just as she reaches the top. God bless you Ewan McGregor.
109. Forgotten Force #2: You guys know what would have helped Obi-Wan and Anakin undo the shackles and release themselves and Padme so that they wouldn't be so easily beaten? The Force.
110. Padme's Master Balance: Some kind of satanic cat climbs Padme's spire and scratches her back. The spire is freakishly thin and the cat scratched with some force. Somehow, Padme didn't fall to her death.
111. Forgotten Force #3: You guys know what would have crippled the creatures or at least held them at bay while Obi-Wan, Anakin and Padme are fighting and waiting for Mace Windu to arrive? The Force.
112. Purple Lightsaber: When you go online and read the story of Samuel L. Jackson requesting a purple-colored lightsaber for Mace Windu, it makes it go from "ridiculous" to "awesome" in a matter of seconds.
113. Super Battle Droids: Just to sell more toys, George introduces "Super" Battle Droids.What makes them super? Rapid firing wrist blasters along with a bulkier design? Makes sense, except they're still no match for Jedi or soon, clone troopers.
114. Useless Jedi: During the Jedi battle, you meet some Jedi that kick some ass and slice up some droids. Others of the Jedi, not so much. There are some Jedi who don't even bother fighting back before they're killed. 
115. No Shooting: During the skirmish, Nute Gunray orders Jango to shoot Padme because their plans aren't working. For whatever reason, Dooku rebuffs him and simply assures him "she will die". Uh, not if you keep enacting plans, you asshole. Jango would just need thirty seconds to fly over and pop her in the head.
116. C-3PO Antics #2: In case the factory antics didn't have you ROTFL, both the C-3PO with the droid head and droid with the C-3PO head are back and just as bland as ever.
117. Je-Die: When the droids cease fire, only a handful of Jedi are left. Close to three hundred Jedi down to about twelve. Great plan, Windu, you dimwitted cocksucker.
118. "This is Such a Drag": When R2 pulls C-3PO's head off of the battle droid's body and drags it back to his body, C-3PO says "this is such a drag". *Sigh*
119. Off With His Head: Mace Windu literally decapitates Jango Fett. It's badass, except in the next movie Anakin will try and tell you that it's 'not the Jedi way'. Who's really at fault, here?
120. Silent Approach: Just as the droids are about to gun down the rest of the Jedi and Padme, they are greeted by thousands of arriving clones. All those ships and blasters don't make a peep until they're right on top of the Colosseum.
121. Anakin the Tactical: During the flyaway, Anakin has to tell a combat pilot wear to aim missiles to down a Techno-Union ship. I thought these clones were brought up with combat expertise?
122. CG Clones: I don't think a single one of these damn clones are live actors.
123. Out of Rockets: When the clone ship finds Dooku and gives chase, Anakin yells "shoot him down!" to which the clone pilot responds with "we're out of rockets". On screen, you've only fired 4-6 rockets. PACK MORE FUCKING ROCKETS.
124. Indestructible Spine: When the gunship gets hit by a blaster, Padme falls 50-60 feet to a sand dune and lands flat on her back. That should've snapped her spine like a twig and left her a "parapleg-erino" as our good buddy Ned Flanders would say. Yet a few shots later she gets up and brushes it off like she tripped and fell into a sandbox. 
125. Unlucky Gunship: Immediately after Anakin and Obi-Wan disembark to chase Dooku, their gunship is shot down by droids. 
126. LeRoy Jenkins Skywalker: Right as they find Dooku, Anakin taps his inner LeRoy Jenkins and charges Dooku like a numbnuts. Naturally, he gets electrocuted and tossed aside. Obi-Wan's probably kicking himself as to what a shit teammate he has.
127. Obi-Wan's Downgraded Swordplay: Remember Obi-Wan's fast-paced, intense swordplay against a young and agile Darth Maul with a double-sided lightsaber? Well get ready to watch Obi-Wan get toyed with and struggle to keep up with an old man, who decides to cut his leg and arm just to be evil.
128. Double Lightsa--, oh: When Anakin starts his second duel with Dooku, Obi-Wan tosses him a lightsaber so he can have two! It's awesome for the eight seconds he gets two, because Dooku just cuts one in half and leaves him with just one again.
129. Darkened Room Lightshow: When Anakin kills the power to the hangar, he and Dooku engage in a lightsaber duel in the dark. The camera cuts to closeups of their duel, which just shows the two of them spinning their blades around and post-production inserting awkward bursts of light and saber crashing sounds to save them.
130. Yoda's Mini Lightsaber: You'd want Yoda having a lightsaber custom-fit to his size to be cool, but instead it looks adorable.
131. Much to Learn: During their dick-measuring contest, Yoda tells Dooku that he still has much to learn. How much more? He's like, a hundred years old.
132. Yoda-Jitsu: Yoda invented his own method of lightsaber fighting; jump-spinning like a crack-addicted acrobat, bouncing off walls and spinning your lightsaber so fast that it looks like a Christmas light display.
133. "My Old Padawan": Yoda refers to Dooku as "my old Padawan", further giving fans a backtrack of all Master-Padawan matchups from Yoda to Anakin.
134. Dook Move: In an attempt to end the duel and escape, Dooku starts a pillar falling over that Yoda can only stop by retracting his lightsaber and putting forth his entire effort into saving them, so so Dooku can run like a little wuss.
135. No Pain:  Throughout the ordeal, Anakin takes losing his arm pretty well.
136. Coruscant Ghetto: Coruscant has a Ghetto, and sure enough that's where all the Sith meet to do their Sith deeds.
137. "The Force is With Us, Lord Sidious": What a goofy-butt way to say hi to your boss. That's like me fixing computers and then coming out of the workshop like "The RAM is with us, big bossman."
138. "Everything is proceeding...": In Return of the Jedi, an elderly Emperor tells Vader that "everything is proceeding as he has forseen". In Attack of the Clones, that line is practically copied over, though Lucas saved it by having him say "everything is going as planned". Shrewd.
139. Imperial March: Attack of the Clones contains one of John Williams' signature tracks in "Darth Vader's theme", also known commonly as "The Imperial March". Though it's a weak rendition, it still merits bonus points.
140. Anakin's Freaky Robot Hand: The love and tenderness of the wedding scene at the end gets a hiccup when we see Anakin's skeletal robot hand holding Padme's real hand. Eeeeek.
141. C-3PO feels the love: As Padme and Anakin make-out, C-3PO turns to R2-D2 and puts his arm on his dome. Back off C-3PO, R2 don't swing that way.
142. Directed by George Lucas: ...and so ends the weakest Star Wars film. Finally.

142 nitpicks? Awful, but even still, I was most definitely expecting higher than that. Kudos Attack of the Clones, I can't nitpick you as hard as I thought I could. See you all next time in the next exciting entry of "The Nitpick Express"!