A Review of "Planet of the Apes" (2001)

Why they called him General Thade and not "Ape-raham Lincoln" was a serious lapse in judgment.

Happy Friday, fellow ape-sketeers! Summer and warm weather is upon us. Travel plans a'plenty, for baseball and tropical climates are in the air. So too is a continuing series of reviews for Apes movies.

"Excuse me, sir, but would you
happen to have a breath mint?"

That's right, today's review is yet another Planet of the Apes movie! Last week, we concluded the original Roddy McDowall Apes series with our review of Battle for the Planet of the Apes... but the Apes saga isn't over, not by a long shot! Sure, it took about twenty-eight years for another entry to spawn. The original series was all tapped out, all the actors/actresses in those movies grew old as the 70s wore into the 1980s... and the 1980s turned into the 1990s... and by then, interest in an Apes sequel had greatly diminished. Well... when you lose your audience trying to make a sequel, you find a new audience with a FRESH take! In the director's chair is renowned visionary whack-a-doodle Tim Burton, known for stellar films like Batman, Ed Wood, Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks!... also known for Edward Scissorhands though... so a bit of a mixed blessing. In the starring role? Mark Wahlberg. That's right... Marky Mark leads us in our action-packed Apes sequel.

Or no wait, it's not a sequel? That's right! It's a remake. Well... not a remake either, as it doesn't follow the exact plotline of the original film at all. This is where Tim Burton coined the phrase "re-imagining". They simply took the Apes universe, and then wrote their own story with their own characters in that universe. Aside from being called Planet of the Apes, featuring a planet of talking anthropomorphic gorillas and chimps... this movie has zero to do with the original Charlton Heston film. I watched it for the first time as part of my new boxset this past week and... good LORD. I mean, I see what they were going for, but it does not work for me at all. The plot is convoluted, the characters are ridiculous, and while the make-up is spectacular (shout out to Rick Baker), the actors delve much too deep into the chimp mannerisms. To the point that scenes get... unsettling. As a whole, the production was a difficult experience for Tim Burton. This was largely contributed by 20th Century Fox's adamant release date of July 2001, which meant that everything from pre-production to editing and visual effects work was rushed... and boy it shows. Let's slice and dice this turd and see what Tim Burton brings to the Planet of the Apes saga.

In 2029, aboard the United States Air Force space station Oberon, Leo Davidson (Marky Mark) works closely with apes who are trained for space missions. His favorite ape co-worker is a chimpanzee named Pericles. With a deadly electromagnetic storm (it's always an electromagnetic something-or-other in these movies) approaching the station, a small space pod piloted by Pericles is used to probe the storm. Pericles's pod heads into the storm and disappears. Leo takes a second pod and finds Pericles. Entering the storm, Leo loses contact with the Oberon and, in 5021 A.D., crashes on a planet called Ashlar. He learns that the world is ruled by humanoid apes who speak English, use domesticated horses for transportation, and treat human beings as slaves. So... it's a separate planet, but there are human beings and there's also colloquial English being spoken. Not to mention CHIMPS, GORILLAS, and APES! Already I am pretty confused. If they're going for the same twist-ending as the '68 film, there's no need for the build up because we already know. If they aren't, there's got to be a lot of explaining to do.

"Alright Helena, now that you're in full ape make-up,
give us your best L'Oreal girl impression!"

Leo meets a female chimpanzee named Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), who protests the mistreatment humans receive. Ari decides to buy Leo and a female slave named Daena (Estella Warren) to have them work as servants in the house of her father, Senator Sandar (David Warner). Leo escapes his cage and frees other humans. Limbo (Paul Giamatti), an orangutan trader in captured humans, sees them but is taken prisoner to ensure his silence. The murderous General Thade (Tim Roth) and his junior, Colonel Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan), march ape warriors to pursue the humans. Leo discovers Calima, the forbidden, but holy temple of "Semos", the first ape whom the apes revere as a god. Oh boy... Tim Roth. I'll delve into his performance at the end, but just know... *shudders*.

Calima turns out to be the remains of the Oberon which had crashed on the planet's surface and now looks ancient (the name Calima coming from the sign "CAution LIve aniMAls", the relevant letters being the only ones not covered in dust). According to the computer logs, the station has been there for thousands of years. Leo deduces that when he entered the vortex, he was pushed forward in time, while the Oberon, searching after him, was not, crashing on the planet long before he did. No shit, Sherlock. Did the rotting substructure and outdated log tapes tell you that? Any who, in a major revelation, the Oberon's log reveals that the apes on board, led by Semos, organized a mutiny and took over the vessel after it crashed. How the apes became intelligent is left completely ambiguous... unless it was just an ape-level mutiny. As in gorillas just went apeshit (pun intended) and killed all the humans. Which is fine, but that doesn't explain how the apes eventually became intelligent and developed their own culture and society.

"Alright Pericles, now it's fourth quarter and
your team is down by two. Stop monkeying
around and make this shot!"

The human and ape survivors of the struggle left the ship and their descendants are the people Leo has encountered since landing. The apes arrive and attack the humans who have gathered to see Leo, although he is able to even the odds when he uses the Oberon's last fragments of fuel to fire a final blast at the first wave of apes. "I love the smell of roasted ape flesh in the morning!" No, that's not a real line, but in this cheese-fest I would not have put it past them. The battle stops when a familiar vehicle descends from the sky, which Leo immediately identifies as the pod piloted by Pericles, the chimpanzee astronaut who was pushed forward in time as Leo was and had just now found his way to the planet, the electromagnetic storm actually releasing people from it in an opposite direction in time to their entrance. Wow... that's... oddly convenient. Didn't know an electromagnetic storm had so many rules. When Pericles lands and the pod opens, the apes bow, interpreting his arrival as the return of Semos, and hostilities between humans and apes suddenly cease.

Pericles runs into the wreck of the Oberon and Leo runs after him, followed by General Thade. Thade and Leo fight. Pericles tries to help Leo, but Thade throws him hard against a wall. Imagine if a hardcore devout follower of Christ... let's say Ben Shapiro, I don't know why but he gives me Thade vibes; imagine if Ben Shapiro saw Jesus come down from the sky and then, because he ceased warfare with the liberals, just started throwing Jesus against the wall and beating the shit out of Him. That's what this exchange feels like. Reeeeeeaally forced. Anyways, Thade takes Leo's gun from him and tries to fire it at Leo. Leo sees that Thade is within the pilot's deck and closes the automatic door, trapping Thade inside. Thade fires the gun repeatedly at the door but the ricochets create sparks that scare Thade, who huddles under a control panel. So our big villain for the film has the same fears that dogs do on the Fourth of July. How terrifying.

"Mr. Baker! Give me a zipper in my ape costume so
I may properly relieve myself, lest I snap this extra's neck!"

Deciding to escape Ashlar and return to Earth, Leo gives Pericles to Ari, who promises to look after him. After saying farewell to Ari and Daena, Leo climbs aboard Pericles's undamaged pod and travels back in time through the same electromagnetic storm, which I guess allows that... even though entry of time is supposedly the opposite of when you entered, which makes me wonder where the hell the "median" point is where--oh fuck, never mind. Marky Mark then crashes in Washington, D.C. on Earth. He looks up at what appears to be the Lincoln Memorial, only to find that it is now a monument memorializing General Thade. A swarm of police officers, firefighters, and news reporters descend upon him, revealed to all be apes... and that's this movie's "twist" ending.

Now... whew, what a stinker. I mean I wanted to like it, just to see if I can feel smarter than the average internet community filmgoer; but no, the internet and the general populace is pretty much right about this one. Planet of the Apes from 2001 is a grade-A mess of good ideas executed very piss-poorly. First of all, while I do buy Mark Wahlberg as the lead, he feels so much less equipped than Charlton Heston was and seems too out of place for a movie like this. With Heston, I go "Oh that's Taylor". With Wahlberg, I keep going "MARKY MARK!". He just doesn't fit. Paul Giamatti is a real ham in this, too, and I gotta admit... I loved watching him work, even when he went in full monkey mode. He brought some hilarity and levity to an otherwise bizarre, dull, or outwardly weird script. Tim Roth however BUSTED MY GUT, I never laughed so hard. He killed it in some scenes all menacing like, but there are scenes where he just loses himself in the role or in a line delivery and I crack up into hysterics. Like near the end where he's begging Attar to let him out and he just awkwardly growls "MY FRIIIIEND" out of the blue? I about pissed my pants. The "DO YOU HAVE A TOWEL?!" snarl also killed me... it's like "Dude, you're overacting so hard."

"Do you see that ape army coming over the horizon,
Leo?" "I see that... and I also see that quartet of ape
strippers arousing me with their monkey hoots!"

I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't give one last shout out to Rick Baker and his team for their makeup effects for this movie. These are some of the most convincing ape makeup jobs I've ever seen. While I love Roddy McDowall and his ape movies, those did unfortunately, certainly in a few screaming scenes, seem to expose themselves as masks made-up to the actors' faces. In Conquest at the end when Roddy is screaming Caesar's lines, you can pause-step (thanks to advent of DVD and Blu-ray) and literally see his lips and teeth inside of the ape mask's mouth. It ruins the illusion, but still for 1972 it was pretty great as in most scenes it's not really noticeable unless you, again, pause-step it. Something I'm sure filmmakers in 1972 didn't anticipate becoming a thing, especially in households across the country. Rick Baker's ape masks on the other hand were fluid, easily forming as the characters' faces, and you thought thanks to the actors uh... ape mannerisms, that these were instead super-intelligent chimps. Props to Rick Baker.

While not a full-on remake, but again just a "reimagining"... there are still a few callbacks to the original movie. Speaking of Charlton Heston, he actually has a cameo here. There's a scene where Thade is talking to his dying father, an elderly ape named Zaius (callback to the orangutan from the '68 film) who is played in full make-up by the seventy-eight-year-old Heston. He even echoes his famous "Damn them all to Hell" line as he dies... which only feels VERY forced. Which is on par with Attar telling Leo earlier in the movie "Take your stinkin' paws off me you damn, dirty human!" Ah ha ha ha, what a callback. There's also Linda Harrison, who played Nova in the '68 film, also has a cameo, though it's much more brief... she plays a captive who shakes her head when Leo asks "What is this place?" So... good to see after nearly thirty-five years, she still is stuck in the Godforsaken ape cage.

I do not recommend 2001's remake... sorry, reimagining of Planet of the Apes. It's convoluted, it's confusing, it's mind-boggling, it's cringy, it's unintentionally goofy, and above all; it doesn't do the series a whole lot of justice. It's inventive but what it invents just doesn't work. I think they tried so hard to be different but in creating something entirely different using only the gel of the original idea ended up creating something so radically different it became almost a farce, somewhat nonsensical in its story display. On top of that it's so overacted that the casual viewer might dig it but stuff like ape children leading human children around on leashes like dogs and Lisa Marie doing ape lovemaking hoots with a dude in a giant Bornean orangutan getup was... unsettling. Thank God for fast forward... which is a phrase you'll utter a lot watching this movie.

A Review of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes"

"What do you think, Caesar?" "I am thinking that cheesy Ghordita crunchwrap is backing up on me!"

Happy Friday and welcome back to another edition of our Ape movie anthology series of reviews. I was held up a week, hadn't sat down to watch the movie we're here to review today. Now, I've seen it, and I'm back on schedule to help move this banana-lovin' batch of films down the assembly line, and closing out with the last of the original Planet of the Apes saga of films.

♫"Now this is a story of about how our life got
flipped, turned upside. I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there... I'll tell you how Caesar
became the prince with ape hair!"♫

To once again sum up: Planet of the Apes continues to be a stellar sci-fi classic. Its first sequel Beneath the Planet of the Apes got weird with subterranean races of telepathic humans that worship bombs, followed by the dull reality-TV show-ish presentation of Cornelius and Zira coming to 1973 Earth in Escape from the Planet of the Apes. As mentioned, it was Conquest of the Planet of the Apes that immediately roped me back in with its stellar portrayal of a repressed slave-ape in Caesar uprising and fighting back against his persecutors. NOW... it is 1973, and we have our fifth and what would be final entry in the original series: Battle for the Planet of the Apes. A continuation of Caesar's storyline from Conquest, I was hoping to see a continuation of sorts of Caesar's quest for power and his reign of ape-terror being his ultimate ape-undoing. Did this movie manage to satisfy my raised expectations? In the first half, no. In the second half, very much yes. An unbalanced, awkwardly paced movie, Battle for the Planet of the Apes can be considered a okay ending if you're in the right mindset. Let's dissect this simian conclusion and see what all it has to offer.

So rather than be a direct sequel that picks up right where Conquest left off, it instead is disappointingly told as a flashback to the early 21st century, with a wraparound sequence narrated by the orangutan Lawgiver (John Huston) in "North America – 2670 A.D.". While this sequel follows the chimpanzee Caesar (Roddy McDowall) years after a global nuclear war has destroyed human civilization, it doesn't do it right after the ending of Conquest, which I found disappointing. Living with his wife, Lisa (Natalie Trundy) and their son, Cornelius (Bobby Porter), Caesar creates a new society while trying to cultivate peace between the apes and remaining humans. Caesar is opposed by an aggressive gorilla general named Aldo (Claude Akins), who wants to imprison the humans who freely roam Ape City while doing menial labor. So right away we see that human society has already collapsed a mere twenty years after. So Caesar's ending speech was... entirely correct, and Mr. MacDonald was just waywardly wrong about how Caesar's cause could fizzle out. Take THAT, moral high ground!

That face you make when you slap your pockets and don't
feel your keys, or your wallet.

After defusing followers of Aldo who attacked a human teacher Abe (Noah Keen) for saying "No" to apes, Caesar ponders if his own parents could have taught him how to make things better. MacDonald (Austin Stoker), Caesar's human assistant and the younger brother of MacDonald (from Conquest of the Planet of the Apes) reveals to Caesar that his brother told him of archived footage of Cornelius (also Roddy McDowall) and Zira (Kim Hunter) within the underground, now radioactive ruins of what is known as the Forbidden City from the last film. Caesar travels with MacDonald and his orangutan advisor Virgil (Paul Williams) to the Forbidden City to find the archives. This MacDonald is not the same MacDonald character as the previous film. I know, it is tough; neither movie makes an effort to give them first names so the casual viewer in 1973 would probably have issues distinguishing the two beyond a simple recasting. I believe there was a line of dialogue that said "Oh you're the younger MacDonald" or something, again, I've only seen the movie once now, but it would be nice if first names were given to help distinguish the two MacDonalds apart from each other.

Anywho, as the trio infiltrate the city to find the lost recorded archives, is revealed that mutated and radiation-scarred humans are living within the city, under the command of Governor Kolp (Severn Darden), the man who once captured Caesar. Caesar and his party view the recordings of his parents, learning about the future and Earth's eventual destruction before they are forced to flee when Kolp's soldiers hunt them. Fearing the mutant humans may attack Ape City, Caesar reports his discoveries. When Caesar calls MacDonald and a select group of humans to the meeting, Aldo leads the gorillas away. So gorillas, originally depicted as being the militaristic species of ape... now are depicted as the racially biased spieces of apes. Wild to think about. Anywho, Kolp's scouts find Ape City. Believing Caesar is planning to finish off all mutant humans, Kolp declares war on Ape City despite his assistant Méndez's (Paul Stevens) attempt to get him to see reason. Aldo plots a coup d'état in order for the gorillas to take control. Cornelius overhears from a nearby tree, but is critically wounded when Aldo spots him and hacks off the tree branch he is on with his sword. I was hoping Cornelius would survive, I was like "there's no way they're going to kill a kid!"... but then I remembered, this is 1973. The next day, after a gorilla scouting pair are attacked by Kolp's men, Aldo takes advantage of a grieving Caesar's absence to have all humans corralled while looting the armory. Cornelius eventually dies from his wounds... see?... leaving a devastated Caesar with the revelation that Cornelius was not hurt by humans.

This must be how all Midwestern parents got to school,
according to their accounts anyway.

The climax of the movie is one giant shootout. Kolp's ragtag force launches their attack, as Caesar orders the defenders to fall back. Finding Caesar lying among dozens of fallen apes, Kolp expresses his intention to personally kill him. The apes, however, are merely feigning death and launch a counterattack that captures most of the mutant humans. Kolp and his remaining forces try to escape, only to be slaughtered by Aldo's troops once they are out in the open. However, we're not quite done yet. Aldo confronts Caesar about releasing the corralled local humans and orders the gorillas to kill them. When Caesar shields the humans and Aldo threatens him, Virgil, having learned the truth from MacDonald, reveals Aldo's role in Cornelius's death. Enraged with Aldo for breaking their most sacred law, "ape shall never kill ape", Caesar pursues him up a large tree, their confrontation resulting in Aldo falling to his death.

With Caesar realizing that apes are no different than their former human slaveowners, he agrees to MacDonald's request for humans to be treated as equals, co-existing in a new society. They store their guns in the armory; Caesar and Virgil reluctantly explain to the armory's overseer, an orangutan named Mandemas (Lew Ayres), that they will still need their weapons for future conflicts and can only wait for the day when they will no longer need them. The scene, or I should say, the "flashback"... stops and the movie returns to the Lawgiver, saying it has now been over 600 years since Caesar's death. His audience is revealed to be a group of young humans and apes, the Lawgiver noting that their society still waits for a day when their world will no longer need weapons, while they "wait with hope". A closeup of a statue of Caesar shows a single tear falling from one eye. Cut to end credits, so ends the original Planet of the Apes series.

"Caesar, I hate to interrupt your son's bar mitzvah, but I have
to tell you I clogged your downstairs toilet.... oh, and
you're out of wet wipes, as I have eaten them all."

To sum it up, Battle for the Planet of the Apes does indeed show the struggle Caesar must endure to build and maintain an ape society that coexists with human society, but while Battle does have a lot of action, certainly during the climax, its not a very worthy conclusion to the series, certainly if you consider what we were shown in Conquest. Yes I know, I keep holding Conquest up on a high pedestal, but I just love that movie so much and it's easily the best one I've seen since the original. Battle had potential to show more of Caesar's chaos-hungry rise to power, but it instead decides to skip ahead to when not only the apes have built somewhat of a society together, but human civilization has already collapsed and coexists with the apes who conquered them, or whose uprising helped lead to their downfall.

Not to mention, it doesn't really capture Caesar's desire to spill human blood anymore. He's kind of mellowed out and changed his tune in this film. If you watched the ending speech from Conquest, you'd know Caesar's ultimate goal was to rise up and tear down human society and instill an ape society in its place. All of a sudden here, Caesar's will is to co-exist with humans. I think this movie actually follows the re-cut ending of Conquest, in which Caesar mellows out and reneges on his bloodlust. It isn't, in my view, an accurate portrayal of the events as they would have transpired. Plus like, I didn't care for Kolp as the top bad guy of the humans. He was a side character in Conquest and kind of disappeared by that movie's end... to have him as a surviving member of Governor Breck's troupe. Both Hari Rhods (MacDonald in Conquest) and Don Murray (Breck, in Conquest) refused to reprise their roles for this film, so they kind of had no choice in picking a follow-up villain. I guess Kolp it had to be.

"I'm just going to leave these words plastered on this blackboard
for all you all to see... call it a need for a constant reminder, given
the shit I've seen, so far."

Roddy McDowall also is back as Caesar in what would be his final film portrayal of an ape in these films. Having appeared in four of the five movies, sans Beneath, this was definitely his franchise and he  led it quite well. He was a brilliant actor and I enjoyed watching him in all these films. While Battle marked his final film appearance as an ape, he did star in a short lived Planet of the Apes TV series that came out afterwards. Unfortunately, it only ran for fourteen episodes the following year in 1974, failed to find a following and was cancelled soon after. In the series, McDowall played "Galen", a young chimpanzee that is sent by Zaius, played in the series by Booth Colman, to ensure the safety of two humans that have survived a crash landing on Earth. It's the third ape that McDowall played, and yet he looks like a distant cousin of Cornelius and Caesar... but you can tell McDowall didn't care, he was just happy to be involved. That's all I'll say about the Planet of the Apes TV series, as I haven't watched it.

To conclude and rank the five original Planet of the Apes movies in order, worst to best, and rank them... I would put Escape at number five, only for its lack of action and gripping storytelling throughout eigthy freakin' minutes of runtime... Beneath is at four for its bizarre storytelling that took what was established in the first film and radically run a completely different wayward direction with it. Battle I would place at three, as while I do love Roddy McDowall as Caesar, the macguffin quest to find tapes of his parents coupled with a lackluster villain in Kolp and Aldo make for a not-so-interesting cast of supporting characters he surrounds himself with. Conquest is an easy two, Roddy plays Caesar so well and the action, suspense, and drama coupled with the gruesome imagery and violent uprising make it for one hell of a ninety-minute revolt... and naturally, the original Charlton Heston Planet of the Apes sits comfortably at number one.

A Review of "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes"

"Caesar this is getting out of hand!" "What gave that away?" "Oh I don't know, the fire? The
guns? The batons? The screaming?" "Clearly you've never been to Baltimore, before!"

Happy Friday! Welcome back to another edition of our Ape-thology review series. See? I could've made that the name of these reviews, but I didn't until just now. I thought about it right this second. Should I go back and add that as the series name? TOO LATE!

So far we've seen Planet of the Apes get followed up by a lackluster, bizarre sequel in Beneath the Planet of the Apes and then a dull follow-up to some supporting characters in Cornelius & Zira in Escape from the Planet of the Apes... yet here we are. It's 1972, and even though we've had two sequels that haven't really lived up to the hype and love of the original, they still want to crank out another one and try and press their luck. Serving as a sequel to Escape's storyline about the baby Cornelius and Zira had, this is 1972's Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Boy, these titles are just getting cheesier and cheesier. I love it, but I had to say; sitting down to watch this one I was weary because I had not really cared for any of the sequels up to this point, so the thought of sitting down for another sequel seemed like a waste of time. I knew only had two sequels to go before starting the next series... so I muscled through it. HOLY SCHMOLY, I'm glad I did. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best since the original so far. It's so well written, acted, and plays out so grimly it's like this series got its cajones back! I loved Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, so let's figure out why!

"WE. MAKE. HOLES IN YOUR TEETH. WE
MAKE. HOLES IN YOUR TEETH."

Following a North American pandemic from a space-borne disease that wiped out all dogs and cats in 1983, the government has become a series of Schutzstaffel-patterned police states that took apes as pets before establishing a culture based on ape-slave labor. These events were foretold in 1973 during the events of Escape from the Planet of the Apes as testimony by two chimpanzee scientists, Cornelius (Roddy McDowall) and Zira (Kim Hunter), before they were killed. Widely believed to be dead, their baby was secretly raised by the circus owner Armando (Ricardo Montalbán) as a young horseback rider. In 1991, now fully grown and named Caesar (also Roddy McDowall), the ape is brought to one of the cities to distribute flyers for Armando's circus. During their trip, Armando advises Caesar not to speak in public for fear of his life. Question: if Armando needed Caesar to lay low and not draw attention to the fact he's the intelligent child of Cornelius and Zira, why would he bring him to a crowded city which would irk him by watching his fellow apes be tortured and mistreated? Not a great plan, Mr. Armando.

Sure enough, after seeing a gorilla being beaten and drugged, Caesar shouts out "Lousy human bastards!" loud enough for the police-state officers to hear him. Armando diffuses the ensuing commotion by taking responsibility for the exclamation. I love this, because the officers even force Armando to shout it again to see if it sounded the same, which causes tension as Armando has a thick Spanish accent so you know he's going to get caught. Armando plans to turn himself in to the authorities to diminish suspicion and bluff his way out while instructing Caesar to hide among the apes for safety. Caesar obeys and hides in a cage of orangutans, finding himself being trained for slavery through violent conditioning. He is then sold at auction to Governor Breck (Don Murray). Caesar is then put to work by Breck's chief aide MacDonald (Hari Rhodes), whose African American heritage allows him to sympathize with the apes to the disgust of his boss. Oh boy... this movie's going to get woefully uncomfortable isn't it? I was like "This movie's going to get real good" but I was worried that it was becoming too predictable.

"DID YOU DRINK THE LAST BANANA SMOOTHIE?!"
"I would like to plead the fifth."

Meanwhile, Armando is interrogated by Inspector Kolp (Severn Darden), who suspects his "circus ape" is the child of Cornelius and Zira, the one humanity has been searching for. Kolp's assistant puts Armando under a machine that psychologically forces people to be truthful. Realizing he cannot fight the machine, Armando jumps through a window and dies. When Caesar learns of Armando's death, he loses faith in human kindness. In secret, he begins teaching the apes combat and has them gather weapons. Unfortunately, Breck eventually learns that Caesar is the ape the police are hunting. Meanwhile, Caesar realizes MacDonald is an ally to the apes' cause and reveals himself to him. MacDonald understands Caesar's intent to depose Breck, but expresses his doubts about the revolution's effectiveness. Caesar is later captured by Breck's men and, in a gruesome and uncomfortable scene, is electrically tortured into speaking. Hearing him speak, Breck orders Caesar to be killed. With MacDonald's help, the heroes manage to trick Breck into believing Caesar died. Once Breck leaves, Caesar kills his torturer and escapes.

To build his numbers and satisfy his lust for a revolt against his human persecutors, Caesar takes over Ape Management. While setting the city on fire, Caesar and the rest of the apes proceed to the command center, killing most of the riot police that attempt to stop them in the process. After succeeding in this, Caesar has Breck marched out to be executed. In the best scene in the movie, and arguably one of the best scenes in the series, MacDonald pleads with Caesar not to succumb to brutality and be merciful to the former masters. Caesar ignores him, deciding to dedicate his life to man's downfall. The original, unaltered cut of the film first submitted to theaters ends here, with the apes under Caesar's leadership clubbing Breck to death while Caesar looks on in gruesome victory, the last shot is on a zoomed in Caesar before cutting to end credits.

"Caesar, you need a bath. You smell like a 
real ape without your body wash."

... only that ending didn't sit too well with test screeners. They found the film devoid of hope and optimism by the ending and didn't like Caesar basically condoning and adopting mass murder to get his point across. So Roddy McDowall was brought back in, the ending was recut for the theatrical release. In the theatrical cut, as the apes raise their rifles to beat Breck to death, Caesar's girlfriend Lisa voices her objection, shouting "No!", becoming the first ape to speak other than Caesar. Caesar reconsiders and orders the apes to lower their weapons, deciding that, after their recent victory, they can afford to be humane.

The movie was definitely a tonal shift in the Apes series. Up to now they've been about exploring, science, and theology... and while the original Planet of the Apes had some dark elements sprout from its twist ending, to me, it was Conquest that really pulled out all the grimness and showed the dark side of human-ape master-slave servitude. Now, all my hats tip to Roddy McDowall, for his portrayal of the tortured but determined eventual martyr for the human-like apes in Caesar. He was dynamite in this movie, absolutely stellar; his ending speech was incredible, and you could feel his determination in ending human control over apes by any means necessary. In the scene where he's speaking to MacDonald after revealing himself, you can hear his desires in the lines "No I am not a myth, but I will tell you what is, the belief that human beings can be kind. Oh, a handful, perhaps, but not most of them. They will not be kind until we can force them to, and we cannot do that until we are free." Ten out of ten performance for Roddy. Great stuff. It's a very yin-yang performance to McDowall's performance as Cornelius, Caesar's father, in the first and third films. Cornelius was kind, gentile, and noble; Caesar wants to be kind and noble, but allows humanity to push him to the brink of becoming a dictator madman. Roddy McDowall plays both parts superbly.

This movie sends powerful messages that are just as strong now as they were in 1972. While it is a little on the violent side with lots of gunplay, a few explosions, and a gut-wrenching torture scene of Caesar, it is a worthy entry into the franchise, and again, I find it to be the best entry so far since the original movie. The story really makes you sympathize with Caesar and the race of oppressed apes, but by the end you're questioning who your allegiance is too, and again, the ending speech helps symbolize the internalized argument we were all having watching the end of the movie. Is Caesar in the right, or has he gone mad?

"Alright Caesar, prepare for the penetrator of TRUTH!"
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

One last thing of note: wait a minute... I thought at the end of Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Cornelius and Zira named their child "Milo" out of memory of the late doctor ape who died after coming back in time to 1973 with them? However in the start of the film, Armando calls him "Caesar", which contradicts Escape and is therefore probably a mistake. Either Armando changed his name, he is not the same ape, or it's a mistake. It is not so far fetched, however, that Armando changed his name. Let's not forget: since this name was well known to the authorities as that of one of the three chimps that had arrived from space in Escape, this would have been a very wise move. When Breck was having Caesar choose a name for himself, Caesar went through the book of names clumsily, as an illiterate ape would, while quickly scanning for his own given name, making it appear that he chose the name "Caesar" randomly.

I loved Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Unfortunately, it isn't a standalone sequel, otherwise I'd say skip to this movie. You do have to see Beneath and Escape to get some details you would otherwise miss. Having each movie lead into the next is nice for those who like to follow the films episodically, but it's also a hindrance one a couple of those films aren't as good. I recommend this one though; it has action, suspense, horrors, sympathy, and revenge. While it isn't necessarily a "feel good" movie, as some messed up shit does take place, it is Caesar's rise to power that is interesting to watch as it does bring the viewer into a moral quandary by the end of the film. Give this one a go if you ever get the chance!

A Review of "Escape from the Planet of the Apes"

"But your honor! I humbly request a continuance on the fact that my client and I are talking
apes from the future and have no idea how your back-ass justice system works!"

Happy Friday! It's time for part three of our Apes movie franchise anthology series of reviews. I didn't give this series of reviews a dumb, punny name. I thought about "Gone Apey" but that was too lame even for me. "Apeshit" was just too edgy and insinuated every movie we'd talk about would be garbage. "Go Bananas" is just childish. So this one just doesn't have a name? I guess?

"My cage beds are made with rich,
corinthian leather!"

Anywho. We've seen astronauts crash land on an unknown planet only to discover they had time-traveled to a dystopian future in Planet of the Apes. The sequel, Beneath the Planet of the Apes wrapped up the story for certain characters as we saw the planet Earth destroyed by a cataclysmic explosion of a cobalt-cased nuclear bomb. What is next? Well... what if not everyone who was on the planet died? What if... there we some "escapees" shall we say? Now, we follow their journey! This is 1971's Escape from the Planet of the Apes. A movie that teaches us that stories ending doesn't mean shit if we can just take some characters who didn't die on screen and start telling a radically different story, diverting from the previous story's ending and creating a new line of stories altogether! Whew... I just rattled that off of my head; what did you do with your day? So Planet of the Apes is a stellar film, even to this day. Beneath, to be pun-tastic, fell "beneath" my expectations, but ultimately was still enjoyable. Will Escape rebound and start pulling in my interest again? Well... let's find out...

Escaping Earth prior to its destruction at the end of Beneath the Planet of the Apes, the chimpanzees Cornelius (The returning Roddy McDowall), Zira (Kim Hunter), and Dr. Milo (Sal Mineo) salvage and repair Taylor's spaceship from their timeline. The shock wave of Earth's destruction sends the ship through a time warp that brings the apes to 1973 Earth. Most specifically, the Pacific coast of the United States. Kind of weird, this whole temporal spaceflight dilemma these characters seem to be having. It seems that there's only two endpoints in this broken time-flow. It'll dump people from the 1970's into the ape-ridden future of 3970's... or it'll take talking apes who rule our planet and dump them in the 1970's, America's most cocaine-and-sexually-experimental era. Fasten your seatbelts, kids!

"Hey Cornelius, nice monkey suit!"
"... wise ass..."

The apes are transported to the Los Angeles Zoo, under the observation of two friendly scientists, Dr. Stephanie Branton (Natalie Trundy) and Dr. Lewis Dixon (Bradford Dillman). During their stay there, Dr. Milo is killed by a zoo gorilla in a ruckus. A Presidential Commission is formed to investigate the return of Taylor's spaceship and its inhabitants. During their interrogation, Cornelius and Zira deny knowing Taylor (played in the first two films of course by Charlton Heston, though he is absent here). They reveal, however, that they came from the future and escaped Earth when a war broke out. They are welcomed as guests of the government. The apes secretly explain to Stephanie and Lewis how humans are treated in the future, and tell them about Earth's destruction. The scientists are shocked but still sympathetic, and advise the couple to keep this information secret until they can gauge the potential reaction of their hosts. Yeah, you know, don't let two sentient talking apes divulge secrets that would alter the course of time. Why would Cornelius and Zira want to do that? They'd retroactively wipe their future out. But it would save the human race! Conundrums, conundrums.

"Am I hallucinating? Three talking apes?"
"I guess we can call your pharmaceutical study
a colossal failure."

Lavished with gifts and media attention the likes of which even the Kardashians would get sick of, the apes become celebrities. They come to the attention of the President's Science Advisor Dr. Otto Hasslein (Eric Braeden), who discovers Zira is pregnant. Fearing for the future of the human race, Hasslein insists that he simply wants to know how apes became dominant over men. Cornelius reveals that the human race will cause its own downfall and that Earth's destruction is caused by a weapon made by humans. Zira explains that the gorillas started the war, but the chimpanzees had nothing to do with it. Hasslein suspects that the apes are not speaking the whole truth. What he's basing that on, I have no idea. During the original hearing, Zira accidentally reveals that she used to dissect humans. THAT cannot bode well for her or Cornelius. Hasslein orders Lewis to administer a truth serum to her while Cornelius is confined elsewhere. As a result of the serum, Hasslein learns details about Zira's experimentation on humans along with her knowledge of Taylor. Ope, I guess that cat's out of the bag on that one.

Zira joins Cornelius in confinement while Hasslein takes his findings to the President, who reluctantly abides by the council's ruling to have her pregnancy be terminated and that both apes be sterilized. Oh... JOLLY this movie took a turn. In their chambers, Zira and Cornelius fear for their lives. When an orderly arrives to offer the apes food, his jokes about their unborn child make Cornelius lose his temper. He knocks the orderly to the floor, before escaping with Zira. It turns out Cornelius mistakenly forgot the feats of his own strength, as they assume the orderly is merely knocked out, but he is actually dead. Hasslein uses the tragedy in support of his claim that the apes are a threat. He calls for their execution, but is ordered by the President to bring them in alive, unwilling to endorse capital punishment until due process has been served. 

This movie seriously skipped a beat with the
whole "NASA sends monkeys into space" thing.
I mean think of the tagline: NASA once sent chimps
into space, but now SPACE has sent chimps BACK!

Branton and Dixon help the apes escape, taking them to a circus run by Señor Armando (Ricardo Montalban), where an ape named Heloise has just given birth. Zira gives birth to a son and names him Milo, in honor of their deceased friend. Knowing that Zira's labor was imminent, Hasslein orders a search of all circuses and zoos, and Armando insists the apes leave for their safety. Lewis arranges for the apes to hide out the Los Angeles harbor's shipyard for a while. He gives Cornelius a pistol as the couple does not want to be taken alive. Tracking the apes to the shipping yard, in a radically Shakespearean way to close out this opus, Hasslein shoots and mortally wounds Zira and then KILLS THE INFANT she is holding like a true douchebag. Cornelius shoots down Hasslein, and then dies at the hands of a sniper perched over the shipping yard. Zira tosses the dead baby over the side and crawls to die with her husband, witnessed by a grieving Lewis and Stephanie. However, it is later revealed that Zira switched babies with Heloise before leaving the circus... and Armando is aware of this and prepares to leave for Florida. Milo then begins to talk. Roll credits.

What did we learn today? Escape from the Planet of the Apes had a lot going for it, with a brilliant first entry in the series followed by Beneath which took the story in wayward directions. But Beneath ended the story pretty much with the destruction of the whole of Earth. Escape did a tricky-yet-wise thing by re-routing the story now to follow escapees from off-screen of Beneath. Now it's branched out and developed into a story worthy of future sequels! Besides, anything that brings back Roddy McDowall for more performances is something I can get behind. I also liked the inclusion of Ricardo Montalban as Armando, the zookeeper. He's also one of my favorite actors, known for playing Khan originally in the Star Trek franchise. I also loved the story that like talking apes become celebrities but it is also ultimately their downfall, as certain members of society distrust them to the point they hassle and disgrace them into hiding as possible bringers of the collapse of modern society. Cornelius and Zira weren't wanting to take over the Earth, they were only looking to take refuge somewhere away from their dying planet. I like that twist on the story.

Oh God, APE love. *Gag*

The only problem? It's SO goddamn boring! I'm sorry, but Escape from the Planet of the Apes tells a good story in the most boring of manners. There's hardly any action, it's a lot of un-gripping dialogue scenes that unfold slowly over time. It's only a ninety-minute movie but it sure felt like two hours. Probably longer, I only watched it for the first time a week ago. By the time the ending rolled around and the shootout occurs, I was so taken aback 1) for what was happening but 2) that something was actually happening. I zoned out in the second half of the movie because my brain couldn't focus on listening for story details anymore. This movie definitely is missing some action beats. Like a lot of them. Today's youth or moviegoers may have trouble sitting through this one. It also unfortunately as far as I've read ahead marks the final appearance of Kim Hunter and her character Zira, you know, being shot dead and all. I don't think Zira makes appearances in future stories, but she'll be a character sorely missed.

To sum up, Escape from the Planet of the Apes is a noteworthy follow-up to Beneath because of the ideas it has for telling its own story, but its execution is so dull and not very gripping. Roddy McDowall and Kim Hunter of course command the entire screen every time they're on, but everybody else lacks that power and average viewers will tend to zone out. I know I did, here and there. I had to look up some plot details I missed afterwards when the movie's rapid conclusion occurred and I still had questions. Again, I'd say if you truly want to know what happens to Cornelius and Zira since they were hardly in Beneath and died off-screen, supposedly, you can watch Escape. Otherwise I'd say hold off. It's one that, to me, is ultimately "meh".

A Review of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes"

"Uncle Sam wants you for the ape army! Please send us a three-by-five card and photo ID of
your favorite banana tree, as well as most preferred tropical climate to enlist today!"

Happy Friday my fellow ape-planet dwellers. Welcome back! Today we are moving on in our ape movie anthology review. That's right, the Statue of Liberty wasn't the end. Far from it, actually. There is a lot more story to this simple twist than was initially presented.

"You know, you're only a cheap copy of me!"
"That's what you get for your insane salary and
screentime demands!"
"What? Who do I look like? William Shatner?"

So Planet of the Apes ended with Taylor and Nova discovering that Taylor wasn't really on some desolate, distant planet some two thousand and six years in the future. He was instead, on the planet Earth in his own dimension some two thousand and six years into the future, long after humanity had destroyed themselves and the planet along with it, and apes themselves evolved into the dominant species. That's all well and good, with some of the best writing, character and setting development, and make-up effects to tote... but what was happening now? Does Taylor's big "I'm here, now what?" question get answered, or is it ultimately left in the dust in favor of something radically different that only adds more questions. Well, this is the first sequel... and unfortunately it is very much the latter. Produced in 1970, welcome to Beneath the Planet of the Apes, a movie that teaches us that if you thought talking apes were bizarre enough, clearly you've never seen a sequel to a movie about talking apes made during Hollywood's cocaine heyday! Oh boy, what a bizarre yet gripping entry in this franchise this one is. Charlton Heston returns in book-end appearances in the start and finish as Taylor, continuing his story, but in between its an unusual tale of another astronaut sent to find Taylor and finding something radically more weird than talking apes. Let's dive in and see what lies Beneath the Planet of the Apes.

The movie's prologue goes very Rocky II and Superman II before either existed by showing the ending events of Planet of the Apes that saw time-displaced astronaut Taylor (Charlton Heston) and the mute Nova (Linda Harrison) travel through the desert of the Forbidden Zone in search of a new life far away from Ape City. After determining there is no hope for returning home, as he is home, Taylor and Nova continue on past the Statue of Liberty's wreckage. At one point warning, fire shoots up from the ground and deep chasms open. Confused by this, Taylor investigates a cliff wall and disappears through it before Nova's eyes. Unable to reach him, Nova is left alone. Bye bye, Mr. Heston! We'll see you at the climax of the movie! No I'm serious, he's gone for like an hour now. If you thought you'd have a familiar human character to guide you through this ape-led world, you need to seek help for yourself, WEIRDO!

"Woah, what is this place?"
"This Nova is Radio City Music Hall... I guess
disco really did kill rock n' roll."
"I don't know what either of those things are,
Brent."

Just kidding, moving on. Being sent to search for Taylor and his crew, a second spaceship crash-lands on the Forbidden Zone. Brent (James Franciscus), the only survivor, notes he is in the year 3955, but assumes he has travelled to another planet. Oh shit here we go again. After burying his Skipper, he encounters Nova and notices she is wearing Taylor's dog tags. Hoping Taylor is still alive, he rides with her to Ape City and is shocked to discover the simian civilization. Is all this really starting to feel familiar? The gorilla General Ursus (James Gregory) leads a rally for the apes to conquer the Forbidden Zone and use it as a potential food source, against the objections of the orangutan Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans). Brent is wounded by a gorilla soldier and taken by Nova to the home of the chimpanzees Cornelius (David Watson) and Zira (Kim Hunter), who treat his wound and tell him of their time with Taylor. This movie echoes much of what happened to Taylor in the first film, only now it's happening to some guy who's performance isn't as gripping as Heston's, not only because we've seen it already but also who the heck is James Franciscus? It could just be my naivete, for every one thing or actor I know there's still seven I don't know or have never heard of. I found him to just be following Heston's role very closely and not deviating too much.

Attempting to flee the city, Brent and Nova are captured by gorillas. Shit man, Nova just can't catch a break. All these displaced human astronauts are just causing her so much grief. Ursus orders they be used for target practice, but Zira helps them escape. Shit man this is really, really familiar. Didn't Cornelius and Zira get charged for heresy? Whatever happened to that? Anywho, Brent and Nova hide in a cave that turns out to be the ruins of the Queensboro Plaza station of the New York City Subway. Brent realizes he is in Earth's post-apocalyptic future, a realization we were all begging him to reach since you know we reached it two years before he did. After following a humming sound deeper into the tunnels, Brent becomes agitated and erratic and attempts to kill Nova, quickly stopping and backing away to another room. Again, probably just echoing something we were all wanting to do to him for taking forever to realize things. Entering the remains of St. Patrick's Cathedral, he finds a population of telepathic humans who worship an ancient nuclear bomb. Ok... odd, I've heard worse things to worship, but this is... new.

POV: you're begging your unconscious sibling with
a bleeding head wound to wake up before your dad finds out
what happened.

Brent and Nova are captured and interrogated by the telepaths. They turn out to be descendants of the human survivors of a nuclear holocaust. They mutated over generations and claim to be a peaceful society, despite using mind-control and illusion on their enemies. Oh you mean MORLOCKS? From H.G. Well's The Time Machine? The mutants force Brent into revealing the apes' march on the Forbidden Zone. Their attempts to repel the invaders with illusions of fire and other horrors ultimately fail, as Zaius sees through them. With the apes closing in, the telepaths plan to detonate their "Divine Bomb" as a last resort, holding a religious ritual. During the ritual, the telepaths remove their faces to reveal horrible disfigurements of white skin, scarring and vascular varicose disease. That's what this movie has become, less about coming to terms with intelligent apes ruling our planet to intelligent apes warring with scarred, mutant humans that have nuclear power over what's left of our planet.

Brent is separated from Nova and taken to a cell where he finds Taylor. Oh hi Charlton Heston! Welcome back to the movie! I hope you enjoyed your time in the studios' snack bar while we waited for the movie to find you again. One mutant, explaining that they cannot let them leave the city alive, uses his telepathic powers to force Brent and Taylor to fight each other. Ok, so Brent didn't just bananas (pun IN-tended) earlier by attacking Nova, it was the telepaths making them fight for their own amusement. I suppose if you look like microwaved ass and live in caves worshipping a nuclear bomb that somehow still functions after two thousand years... you'd get pretty bored and telepathically make people beat the shit out of each other for your own amusement too. Nova escapes her guard and runs to the cell, screaming her first word: "Taylor!" HOORAY! Nova's first word! This breaks the mutant's concentration, freeing the astronauts from his control long enough for them to kill the mutant. Taylor recognizes the bomb's insigna "AΩ" as a "doomsday bomb", which has a cobalt casing-capable of destroying the entire planet.

♫We are chanting humans... in a movie about talking apes...♫

Ah, the age old "A bomb that can destroy a planet" ploy. Somehow adding cobalt casing to a nuclear bomb makes it planet-destructing. Yes, yes; I will buy talking apes and telepathic mutants but CERTAINLY NOT THIS! Anywho, the apes invade the subterranean city, making their way to the cathedral; many of the mutants are either captured, killed, or die by suicide. After Nova is killed by a gorilla in the midst of the chaos... funny I didn't see that coming, I thought as these movies progressed we'd see Nova become the cohort of many time-displaced astronauts who are showing up... Taylor and Brent reach the cathedral as Mendez (Paul Richards), the telepaths' leader, is shot dead after raising the bomb into activation position. The humans attempt to stop Ursus from accidentally setting off the weapon, but Taylor is shot in the chest as his pleas to Zaius fall on deaf ears. Zaius refuses to listen and decries humanity's violence and the ruination of all things, something the first film already did in a much more powerful and well-written way. When Brent is gunned down after killing Ursus, the mortally wounded Taylor curses Zaius as he collapses and dies bringing his hand down on the bomb's red crystal detonation switch. The bomb goes off destroying the entire planet. The final scene is Taylor's hand on the detonator and as the screen goes while a Narrator says. "In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe lies a medium sized star ...and one of its satellites. A green and insignificant planet..is now dead." The credits roll silently.

"Roddy you sound different." "Kim, it's David, remember?
We've been shooting for a week together now!"
"Whatever Roddy, maybe you should see a memory
specialist?"
"Oh for fuck's sake--"

So what did we learn today? I guess it goes to show that the quality of Ape movies really doesn't have to make leaps and bounds improvements over the previous film. Beneath the Planet of the Apes is a strange blend. It starts off like a sequel, progresses into a copycat, then goes totally elsewhere for the remainder of the movie before the last five minutes turn into a sequel again. To be fair, it isn't a bad movie, but it certainly pales in comparison to the first film. Still, it has plenty of action! ...and the story, while bizarre and unexpected, is at least interesting enough to rope your interest for the remainder of the film. The laziness of the telepaths' initial makeup draws some ire from me, but at the very least the apes' makeup remains stellar.

I was sad about the absence of Roddy McDowall as Cornelius, being replaced by David Watson for this sequel. Though McDowall I guess returns for future sequels, his presence here is sorely missed, being one of my favorite classic 60s-80s actors. Still, Kim Hunter delivers a quality performance as Zira during her screentime, same goes for Charlton Heston and Maurice Evans as Taylor and Dr. Zaius, respectively. James Franciscus however in my opinion just copies Charlton Heston's performance from the first film... and the new ape bad guy general or whatever... General Ursus! That was his name... he was pretty stock, a human-hating general. We certainly won't see that again! Hehehehe iykyk.

To sum up, Beneath the Planet of the Apes is a "decent" sequel. It's serviceable, it's interesting, but it has weak links the chain that could ultimately make or break for certain viewers. I'd say give this one a watch, but only if you're really interested in seeing what happens after Planet of the Apes. If not, then this isn't really "required" viewing. You can skip it if that's the case.

A Review of "Planet of the Apes" (1968)

"Coming up on Human Planet... how hunting humans betters the ape society! But first, did you
know the average human grow to be five-and-a-half feet tall? You're watching Human Planet!"

Happy Friday. So far this year we've done nothing but talk about James Cameron, and I'll bet you're all sick and tired of me rambling on and on about "James Cameron this, James Cameron that" and how he's a God among mortal men, a Messiah of filmmaking, yaddi-yaddi-yadda, blah blah blah. I'm only kidding by the way, I just think he's the GOAT of motion pictures. Don't read too much into that.

"Oh jeez, I left my throwaway female supporting
character in her cryotube too long."

I figured now we'd switch gears and touch base on another franchise that I'm actually only recently getting in tune with. It's an old-timey one too, with its birth and first entry in a franchise coming to us in the merry ol' year of 1968. What a glorious time 1968 was. I'm of course kidding again... not only was it a shit time in America, I was twenty-five years from being born. How the heck would I know? We're talking about one of science-fictions most referenced movies. No, it isn't as referenced or parodied as Star Wars... but you'll realize as we discuss some things that this movie exists in pop culture even quite well today, especially with a reboot series we'll talk about coming up. That's right; this is Planet of the Apes, the original Charlton Heston classic from 1968, and I'm using it to kickstart another series of reviews. From the cheesy catchphrases to the special effects mask and make-up techniques; Planet of the Apes was a triumphant science-fiction tale from 20th Century Fox, and helped redefine what it meant to have a wild twist ending. It was based off the 1963 French science-fiction novel, La Planète des singes, known also as Monkey Planet in the UK (not a very imaginative bunch), by Pierre Boulle. This, and the four sequels that come afterwards, share much in common story-wise with The Terminator; showcasing a dystopian future where man's yearning for the destruction of its own kind would have dire consequences on the future of our world. Hope I didn't spoil the movie for everyone... even though I'm about to! Let's review Planet of the Apes, a movie that teaches us what it really means to engage in "guerilla warfare". Hahahahahaha I kill me. *Slaps knee*

"How does it feel to be probed to you, Dr. Zaius?!"
"No, Taylor! We apes have very sensitive anuses!"

The movie opens as astronauts Taylor (Charlton Heston), Landon (Robert Gunner), and Dodge (Jeff Burton... no not the stock car driver) awaken from deep hibernation after a near-light-speed space voyage. Stewart (Dianne Stanley), the lone female crew member, is dead due to a sleep chamber malfunction caused by an air leak. Why did they kill off the only female astronaut? I don't know, it was 1968. Nobody probably knew how to write female dialogue that wasn't total ass yet. God bless the stronger female characters we get in movies since then. Their spacecraft crashes into a lake on an unknown planet; Taylor's estimate places them in Orion's Bellatrix System, three hundred light-years from their home Solar System. Before they abandon their sinking vessel, the three survivors read the ship's chronometer as November 25, 3978 – two thousand and six years after their departure in 1972. However, due to time dilation, the astronauts themselves have aged slightly less than one year.

The men travel through desolate wasteland, coming across eerie scarecrow-like figures and a freshwater lake with lush vegetation. While swimming, the men's clothes are stolen and shredded by primitive mute humans. Soon after, armed gorillas raid a cornfield where the humans are gathering food. The rapid zoom on the lead gorilla's face with Jerry Goldsmith's wailing trumpet is one of my favorite shots from the movie. Plus Taylor's dumbfounded "Oh shit we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto" facial response to seeing it. Taylor is shot in the throat as he and the others are captured. Dodge is killed and Landon rendered unconscious in the chaos. Taylor is taken to Ape City. Two chimpanzees, animal psychologist Zira (Kim Hunter) and surgeon Galen (Wright King), save Taylor's life, though his throat injury renders him temporarily mute.

"What's he saying, Cornelius?"
"I'm not sure, Zira. He keeps drawing a pickle with eyes
that is laughing, and labeling it 'the funniest shit
you've ever seen'..."

Taylor is placed with a captive female, whom he later names Nova (Linda Harrison). While he creepily makes advances on a mute and feral human girl, like it's a movie made in 1968 or something, Taylor also observes an advanced society of talking apes with a strict caste system: gorillas are the military force and laborers; orangutans oversee government and religion; and intellectual chimpanzees are mostly scientists and doctors. The ape society is a theocracy, while the apes consider the primitive humans as vermin to be hunted and either killed outright, enslaved, or used in scientific experiments. Jane Goodall's dreams come true! Taylor convinces Zira and her fiancé, Cornelius (Roddy McDowall), that he is as intelligent as they are; one way by making a paper airplane. Dr. Zaius (Maurice Evans), their orangutan superior, arranges for Taylor to be castrated against Zira's protests. Taylor escapes and finds Dodge's stuffed corpse on display in a museum. He is soon recaptured, in the process revealing that he can speak... the infamous line "Take your stinkin' paws off me you damn dirty ape!"... which alarms the apes.

A hearing to determine Taylor's origins is convened. Taylor mentions his two comrades, learning that Landon was lobotomized and rendered catatonic. Believing Taylor either is from an unknown human tribe beyond their borders or was the subject of a mad scientist who gave him the power of speech, Zaius privately threatens to castrate and lobotomize Taylor for refusing to reveal his origins. I'm not really sure what Zaius's goal is here; Taylor seems damned-intent on revealing his origins. With help from Zira's nephew Lucius (Lou Wagner), Zira and Cornelius free Taylor and Nova and take them to the Forbidden Zone, a taboo region outside Ape City where Taylor's ship crashed. Ape law has ruled the area out of bounds for centuries. Cornelius and Zira are intent to gather proof of an earlier non-simian civilization – which Cornelius discovered a year earlier – to be cleared of heresy; Taylor focuses on proving he comes from a different planet.

"Taylor needs indoctrinated into ape society. Tomorrow,
take him to the Harambe exhibit, and show him who
truly died for whose sins!"

When the group arrives at the cave, Cornelius is intercepted by Zaius and his soldiers. Apparently Dr. Zaius owns his own private militia. Many politicians of today can probably relate... looking at you, Nancy Pelosi (probably). Taylor holds them off by threatening to shoot Zaius, who agrees to enter the cave to disprove their theories. Inside, Cornelius displays remnants of a technologically advanced human society pre-dating simian history. Taylor identifies artifacts such as dentures, eyeglasses, a heart valve...and, to the apes' astonishment, a talking human doll. How the doll's battery allows it to talk after two thousand and six years is beyond me. Energizer batteries perhaps? After all they keep going... and going... and going... Zaius admits he has always known about the ancient human civilization. Taylor wants to search for answers. Zaius warns Taylor against finding an answer which he does not like, adding that the now-desolate Forbidden Zone was once a lush paradise. Basically this is Taylor's version of "If into the security recordings you go, only pain will you find" from Revenge of the Sith. After Taylor and Nova are allowed to leave, Zaius has the cave sealed off to destroy the evidence, while charging Zira, Cornelius, and Lucius with heresy.

Taylor and Nova follow the shoreline on horseback, supposedly for days. Eventually, they discover the remnants of the Statue of Liberty, revealing that this supposedly alien planet is actually Earth, long after an apocalyptic nuclear war. Understanding Zaius' earlier warning while Nova looks on in shock, Taylor falls to his knees in despair, condemning humanity for destroying the world... ooooooohhh my goodness! This movie just M. Night Shyamalan'd my ass!

"Taylor! Why did you run away?!"
"I'm sick and tired of eating bananas and having
full shit turds flung at me! LET ME DIE!"

So what did we learn today? To start off, the ape mask/make-up effects in this movie hold up even by today's standards. There are some flaws you can notice... I own the film as part of a 50th anniversary Blu-ray/4K boxset, so I got to view this film in 1080p HD resolution. Some of the flaws include actors who don't really know how to work the make-up. Roddy McDowall, who portrays Cornelius, knew FULL WELL how to use the make-up. An experienced actor, he recommended to his companions in makeup that they should frequently add tics, blinks and assorted facial gestures to add a sense of realism and keep the makeup from appearing "mask-like". A lot of people got this suggestion, such as his on-screen wife Kim Hunter. However, some of the lesser-seen apes still got stuck with what very much look like "Halloween costume" performances I call them. Obviously with effects back then, you had to play around with it and make it work for you, otherwise the whole effect fails. I still think the makeup works, even today. My only gripe is that while the caste system is supposed to be apparent in differences between chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans... on-screen they all appear to be very similar in appearance. Could this be on purpose due to in-universe evolution? Perhaps, but last I checked gorillas were YUGE compared to chimpanzees!

Speaking of that, a fun tid-bit about the caste system and the different monkey make-ups off-screen, behind the scenes. Supposedly, during breaks in filming, actors made up as different ape species tended to hang out together, gorillas with gorillas, orangutans with orangutans, chimps with chimps. It wasn't required, it just naturally happened. Sort of a real science experiment going on behind the scenes during the making of a movie about a dystopian future where apes rule the land. Kind of crazy how that happened. I also liked how the movie demonstrated more than just a two-dimensional story about apes ruling the planet now that humans wiped themselves out. There's lore to the mythos that we aren't told or is hinted at. Namely the Forbidden Zone, the cave of Cornelius's team's digging and the treasures/artifacts they discovered, the government system, the religious demonstrations, the militia and city-life all very well depicted in such a short runtime. My only thing is Ape City... I'm under the impression that the apes rule the planet, however supposedly this one city is named "Ape City"; a pretty umbrella-term kind of name for a city. Is this the only city that houses apes? Is this the only spot where apes reside on this planet? Are there other species of intelligent races of humanoid animals lumbering about? None of that is explained very well and easily glossed over. For all we know this city housing a mere few dozen apes is all that took over Earth after the humans blew it up.

I look at this photo and I go "Man, Davy Jones, Peter
Tork, and Micky Dolenz really need to shave."

Last thing I want to touch upon briefly is Charlton Heston and his performance as the surviving astronaut Taylor. I dig Taylor as a character, just like I dig Charlton Heston in anything I see him in... or hear him in once he became a voiceover/narrator type actor in the 1990s/early 2000s. However, his behavior with Nova and dialogue towards her is very much a product of 1968 screenwriting, it's pretty sexist in my opinion, how he immediately just hops in her cage and starts wooing this mute feral woman like "Yeah you're now my mate on this hellscape planet, wherever I am". Even Zira, the scientist, basks in it, she's like "Ok Taylor we'll leave you in the cage with Nova, hopefully the two of you mate!" Not a lifted line of dialogue, but certainly the sensibilities I was picking up. That's the struggle with watching movies like this is you still see some shameless blatant sexism of the time seep through. Of course, I prefer my movies uncut and unchanged for this reason so we can educate filmmakers and moviegoers of this era on how not to do things... but it can get pretty cringy for people.

To summarize and close out, I dig Planet of the Apes. It's still a sci-fi classic that holds up to this day. It can move a little slow in the second half once Taylor's made the discover and is then just trying to cope with his current predicament, but the first half's mystery and build-up to the reveal, then the tenseness of the story grows as Taylor, captured, tries to not only find out what happened to his crewmates, what happened to his ship, where he is, but also where he's trying to go? A fun, great edition of science-fiction cinema. Put aside an afternoon and try this out!