A Review of "Godzilla Minus One ゴジラマイナスワン", 2023 EOY

"What is this giant, nuclear, lizard, dinosaur monster doing in our oceans?!"
"Hey, what are all you pint-sized meatbags doing in my bathtub?!"

Happy Saturday, and welcome to what I am declaring my final post of 2023. I'm going to take next week off and come back with a fresh slate of new reviews for us starting the week afterwards in 2024. It's been quite a year for us. We've reviewed all of James Cameron's movies (minus Pirahna II: The Spawning), the Planet of the Apes saga up until 2023, the Transformers franchise up until 2023, the Raimi Spider-Man trilogy, and a few one-offs sprinkled in between. What a jam-packed year for us, and I hope to bring the same consistency of content back with me in 2024.

"Good Lord, that Godzilla sure is big! I hope he doesn't
accidentally bump into the--ope, there goes our newly
rebuilt pagoda... AGAIN."

Let's go ahead and wrap up this year with what is arguably the biggest talked about movie since Barb-enheimer in July, and this one didn't even come from the United States. Originating in its country of origin, from its production company of origin, we have yet another remake of the classic tale of Godzilla! Yes, the OG King of the Monsters fresh out of Japan. From Toho production company, comes 2023's surprise smash hit, even here in the West! Godzilla Minus One (ゴジラマイナスワン). These Godzilla titles are getting very creative! This is the fifth film in the Reiwa era of Japanese Godzilla films, meaning the era of films from 2016 to now, that started with Shin Godzilla (シン・ゴジラ). I haven't reviewed any of the other Godzilla movies... there's only THIRTY-FREAKIN'-TWO others according to the web. So what better place to start than with the last one in the series? THIS... is Godzilla Minus One.

In 1945, near the end of World War II, kamikaze pilot Kōichi Shikishima (Ryunosuke Kamiki 神木 隆之介) lands on a Japanese base on Odo Island. Lead mechanic Tachibana (Munetaka Aoki 青木 崇高) deduces that Shikishima had fled from his duty by feigning technical issues. That night, Godzilla, a dinosaur-like creature, attacks. Shikishima cannot bring himself to shoot the monster from his plane and is knocked unconscious. Tachibana, the only other survivor of the attack, blames Shikishima for failing to act. In 1946, Shikishima returns home to find his parents dead in the bombing of Tokyo. Plagued by survivor's guilt, he works as a minesweeper and begins supporting a woman, Noriko Ōishi (Minami Hamabe 浜辺 美波), whose parents also died in the bombing, and an orphaned baby, Akiko (Sae Nagatani永谷 咲笑), whom Noriko rescued. Later that year, Godzilla is mutated and empowered by the United States' nuclear tests at Bikini Atoll; it destroys several American warships before heading for Japan. Owing to tensions with the Soviet Union, the U.S. offers no help save for a few decommissioned Imperial Japanese Navy vessels approved by General Douglas MacArthur. The Japanese government, concerned about inducing panic, does not notify the public about the danger.

THIS JUST IN: Angry Black Friday shoppers were trampled
today, not by each other, but by a prehistoric nuclear
dinosaur monster who also demanded this year's
latest iPhone model.

In May 1947, Shikishima and his minesweeper crew are tasked with stalling Godzilla's approach to Japan. They release a mine into Godzilla's mouth and detonate it, causing significant damage, but it quickly regenerates. The heavy cruiser Takao then engages Godzilla, but is subsequently destroyed when Godzilla unleashes its heat ray. After returning to Tokyo, Shikishima opens up to Noriko about his encounters with Godzilla. Days later, Godzilla makes landfall in Japan and attacks Ginza, where Noriko works. Noriko narrowly survives the initial attack and reunites with Shikishima. Enraged by tank fire, Godzilla obliterates much of the district with its heat ray, killing tens of thousands. Noriko is caught in the blast and presumed dead... let me say that again, she's presumed dead. The shot in the movie pretty much obliterated her but, more on that later. Devastated by the this, again, "supposed" loss, Shikishima vows revenge against the King of the Monsters. *Cue Rocky theme*

Frustrated by the government's inaction, one of the minesweeper's crew, former naval engineer and this movie's G.O.A.T. Kenji Noda (Hidetaka Yoshioka吉岡 秀隆), devises a plan to destroy Godzilla by luring it out to Sagami Bay before surrounding it with Freon tanks and rupturing them, lowering the water's buoyancy and sinking it, letting the resultant water pressure crush it. Should the plan fail, balloons will be inflated under Godzilla to force it back up, killing it through explosive decompression. He has recruited private citizens, mostly former members of the Imperial Japanese Navy, to enact his plan. Shikishima recruits Tachibana to repair a broken-down Kyushu J7W Shinden fighter. He plans to kill Godzilla in a suicide attack by flying into its mouth and detonate the explosive charges onboard. He leaves Akiko in the care of his neighbor Sumiko (Sakura Ando 安藤 サクラ).

"Ok, Zilly. Become as stiff as a board. Perhaps if the Japanese
think I am a building... I will not be shot--"
"Hey, why's that building talking to itself?"
"Oh son of a bitch, I said it out loud, didn't I?"

Godzilla resurfaces, and Shikishima lures it into the trap set by two ships. It survives the initial plunge and then breaks free before being forced back up. With the help of a fleet of tugboats, the ships haul Godzilla to the surface. An enraged Godzilla prepares to destroy all the vessels with its heat ray, but Shikishima crashes the plane into its mouth and destroys its head, causing the energy of the heat ray to tear its body apart. The crew celebrates as Shikishima ejects before the explosion and parachutes to safety, having remembered that Tachibana implored him to let go of his guilt and choose to live. Shikishima visits a hospital where he reunites with Noriko who SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SURVIVE BEING BLOWN AWAY IN GODZILLA'S NUCLEAR BREATH BLAST... but has a black bruise creeping up her neck. Meanwhile, a chunk of Godzilla's flesh begins to regenerate as it sinks into the ocean... setting up the next Reiwa era film!

... and that was Godzilla Minus One! Boy, howdy; what a movie! This is what a Godzilla movie should be like. The only other option would've been if another monster had been shoehorned in. Which is often what the sequels did to up the ante since the 50s. Throwing in other kaiju 怪獣 such as Mothra, King Ghidorah (then known as "Gidrah"), Rodan, Baragon, and later on Gigan, Jet Jaguar, Hedorah, Biollante, and Desotroyah! I don't know if I can bring it upon myself to touch base on all these Japanese monster movies, or all these Godzilla movies, but I at least wanted to touch base on Godzilla Minus One.

First off, some of the shots were magnificent. I knew I'd be hooked the instant I saw the Japanese Mitsubishi "Zero" plane landing on the island. The camera strapped to the underside of the fuselage as it as coming in? Simple, yet effective. Same with the other shot following it, of the landing gear bouncing on the beachfront as the plane slows down. I'm easily dazzled like that, I guess. Now, I was hoping in terms of cinematography that Godzilla would be a mix of a man in a suit, i.e. the classic method, and maybe enhanced via CGI. I can't say for certain on the small amount of research I've done, but it appeared to be just that. Godzilla's movements were very stiff like a rubber suited actor's would be, and yet he still had some inhuman facial movements that was either CGI-enhanced-animatronics, or just straight CGI. I believe hopefully it was the former, as director Takashi Yamazaki 山崎 貴 stated that the original 1954 Godzilla from Japan was and still remains a heavy influence not only to the franchise, but to his films as well... stating "I love the original Godzilla, and I felt I should stay true to that spirit, addressing the issues of war and nuclear weapons."

"I don't understand the Americans' affection for "Subway"...
I'm eating it right now, can't taste anything but metal, glass,
and panicked and desperate cries for help. 2/10."

That was something the original '54 film I think demonstrated very well. When people think of Godzilla, they think of just rubber-suited or animatronic-puppet giant monsters fighting one another while destroying some metropolitan Japanese city in the backdrop... often a pagoda, as is Godzilla's nature (and was a running gag in many of the older films). However, the first Godzilla film was actually more of a dramatized sci-fi piece, showing Godzilla to be nothing more than a horrific side-effect or outcome of nuclear weapons and nuclear warfare. A product of man's own tampering with nature. Another big difference between the American Godzilla and the Japanese Godzilla is their portrayal and different vibes and moods on-screen. When asked about the differences between the American adaptations and the Japanese originals, Yamazaki stated that while the American Godzilla is only focused on being monstrous, the Japanese interpretation is both as a monster and as a god. Elaborating, Yamazaki stated, "The point of international Godzilla is that he's a really powerful monster, but a Japanese Godzilla is halfway a godlike creature in many ways. Not necessarily a religious god, but more like a Japanese god, a malevolent and destructive one."

Look, clearly I trailed off. I can go on and on about Japanese monster movies, but I think I should just wrap up what I think ultimately thought of Godzilla Minus One. I thought it was very, very well done. An excellent piece of Japanese kaiju cinema, and a well-worthy entry in the Godzilla series of films. The characters were gripping and fed off each other's personalities and dialogue well, the drama was very present and very felt. Godzilla himself wasn't wedged into every crevice of the plot, thankfully, as he shouldn't be; the action was top-notch, the effects were brilliant, particular the two shots I mentioned plus the shot of Godzilla chasing the heroes' fishing trawler at about midway through the movie... as well as nuclear blast shots that showed Godzilla's atomic breath's nuclear mushroom cloud and the destruction that results from it. I just loved everything about this movie, and I was very pleased to see it's Western release so I could catch it in theaters.

I fully recommend Godzilla Minus One. Hopefully I get to see it as a physical media release over here in the West as well!... and with that, our 2023 slate of Blogger posts has come to a close. Thank you all, any of you who clicked and supported, and I shall see you after taking a week off... in 2024! Have a Happy Holidays, and a safe and responsible New Year's!!

A Review of "Armageddon"

"OMG it's, it's--!"
"Yeah, that's right. We're the saviors of planet E--"
"IT'S THE BACKSTREET BOYS! THE BACKSTREET BOYS ARE GOING TO SAVE US FROM THE ASTEROID!!"

Happy Friday! Oh man, I am ready to dive into and tear apart this sweaty turd. I haven't really been able to get into the Christmas spirit, movie review-wise, this holiday season. I don't really know why, but I want to kind of just end the year reviewing random movies before I take perhaps 2 weeks off at the end of the year. I have some plans on what I will review starting next year! Stay tuned on that.

"Sharpe, blast off! Even though it's structurally, physically,
scientifically, and utterly impossible... I'mma need you
to blast off, ASAP!"

But we're here to talk today! That means we're resurrecting our dear friend we spoke about earlier this summer when I reviewed the Transformers movies: Michael Bay. Mr. Explosion of filmmaking. Michael Bay, the man whose stories have more holes in them than a grunge guitarist's jeans. Michael Bay, the man whose long-winded one hundred and fifty minute narratives either entertain dearly or torture mercilessly. Or in today's, case? Entertain mercilessly!... or torture dearly, however you want to look at it. Look, I'm rambling by this point. this is Armageddon. A movie that teaches us physics, science, basic textbook understanding of how anything nuclear, technological, or mechanical in the world works... none of that comes into play when sending two space shuttles full of oil drillers up to an incoming asteroid to blow it in half to save the Earth from destruction.

Fasten your seatbelts, because we're in for a wild, fun, albeit completely and utterly ridiculously nonsensical joyride. Let's bury a nuke eight hundred feet into this plot and blow it in half. This is Armageddon!

So after an elementary school history lesson rehash by Charlton Heston regarding the dinosaurs being wiped out by an asteroid, the movie opens... oddly enough... with a massive meteor shower which destroys the orbiting Space Shuttle Atlantis, before entering the atmosphere and bombarding New York City, Boston, Philadelphia, Moncton, Halifax, and Newfoundland. The meteors were pushed out of the asteroid belt by a collision from a rogue comet and a massive asteroid the size of Texas, and NASA learns that the asteroid will impact Earth in approximately eighteen days, potentially wiping out all life on Earth. NASA devises a plan to have a deep hole drilled into the asteroid, into which they will insert and detonate a nuclear bomb to destroy the asteroid.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We're
about 26,000 miles out from our destination on the Asteroid...
should have you on the ground in about 30 mins, thanks for
flying NASA."
"... SHIT, man! My peanuts floated off my table tray again!"

Truman (Billy Bob Thornton)... head of NASA at this point, recruits none other than Harry Stamper (Bruce Willis), a third-generation oil driller and owner of his own oil drilling company. Harry agrees to help, but on the condition that he bring in his own team to do the drilling. He picks his best employees for the job: Chick Chapel (Will Patton), his best friend and right-hand man; geologists Rockhound (Steve Buscemi) and Oscar Choice (Owen Wilson); and drillers Bear Curlene (Michael Clarke Duncan), Freddie Noonan (Clark Brolly), Max Lennert (Ken Campbell), and A.J. Frost (Ben Affleck)... who has been dating Harry's daughter Grace (Liv Tyler) despite Harry's objections. Over twelve days, they are trained to become astronauts with astronaut Col. Willie Sharp (William Fichtner), who will pilot Freedom — one of the two shuttles to fly to the asteroid, the other being the Independence. Before leaving, Chick apologizes to his ex-wife Denise (Judith Hoag) for wronging her and sees his son, who is unaware of his parentage. Grace accepts A.J.'s marriage proposal, much to Harry's reluctant dismay; she later has her father promise to return home safe with her fiancé.

Following the destruction of Shanghai by another meteor strike, word of the massive asteroid becomes public to the world. Both shuttles take off without incident and dock with the Russian Space Station Mir to take on fuel. During fueling, a broken pipeline causes a leak and ignites the fuel pod on fire. A.J. and Roscosmos Cosmonaut Lev Andropov (Peter Stormare) manage to board Independence before the space station is destroyed. Approaching the asteroid, Independence is damaged by debris and crashes, killing all on board except Lev, Bear, and A.J. They embark in the shuttle's Armadillo to find the Freedom crew, which lands a whopping twenty-six miles from its intended landing site. When the drilling goes slower than predicted, Sharp reports to Mission Control that it is unlikely the team will reach the depth necessary to destroy the asteroid before "Zero Barrier", the point after which detonating the rock will not save Earth. The President of the United States decides to remotely detonate the bomb from Earth immediately, which will cause total mission failure. Sharp and Harry have a vicious argument, but agree to defuse the bomb and work together after Harry promises Sharp that he will accomplish the mission. They make progress on drilling, but a missed gas pocket causes the Armadillo and Max to be blown into space. Just as Harry, NASA, and the world believe the mission to be a failure, while another meteor destroys Paris, A.J. and the others arrive in the second Armadillo.

"A.J.! I have to go outside and help your dad with the nuke.
Hold my vape pen in case I don't make it back."
"We get it bro, you vape."
"SERIOUSLY THIS IS MY LAST CARTRIDGE OF THIS
FLAVOR, DON'T LOSE IT!"

A.J. succeeds in drilling the hole to the required depth, but a rock storm kills Gruber and damages the remote detonator, forcing someone to stay behind and manually detonate the bomb. They draw straws; the responsibility falls upon A.J. Harry takes him down to the asteroid's surface, and disconnects A.J.'s air hose, forces him into the shuttle's air lock and tells A.J. that he is the son Harry never had and he would be proud to have him marry Grace. Using the Armadillo, Harry tearfully gives Grace his blessing to marry A.J., and Grace says that she is proud to be his daughter. After some difficulty, Freedom takes off, but then a second blowout causes Harry to lose his grip on the detonator. Just before Zero Barrier, he detonates the bomb and saves the planet. The astronauts land on Earth safely. A.J. and Grace are reunited and Chick reconciles with his ex-wife and estranged son. Later, A.J. and Grace are married with the portraits of Harry and the others lost on the mission present in memoriam.

Ok so... *takes glasses off*, *rubs eyes in anguish*... that was a lot. Now, before I get started stating the obvious and dissecting why this movie's such a fun turd (much like the carnival ride that makes you puke), I will say that it's a very fun adventure. I mean, I still enjoy the thrill of the adventure this movie brings. Finding a bunch of average Joes, training them to be astronauts in twelve days (which is asinine in-and-of-itself... why don't you just train astronauts to be oil drillers?? Am I right?), and sending them to space in an epic quest to blow up a Texas-sized asteroid in order to save the day. That is a fun idea for an adventure movie, and I still love popping in Armageddon every now and then to rewatch.

♫ I don't wanna go in spaaaace--I don't wanna fly right now
cause this is dang-er-ous, and I DON'T WANNA F*CKIN'
DIE♫

But HOLY MOTHER OF HELL I love laughing at just how much complete CRAP this movie expects me to swallow. In doing some light research on the movie for this blog post, I found a crazy factoid I hope is true: Supposedly, in real life, NASA shows this film during their management training program. New managers are given the task of trying to spot as many scientific and physics-related errors as possible. So far, ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY EIGHT have been found. That's 1-6-8. Good God, Almighty. Fire and explosions in space, the way the asteroid is supposedly spinning on all-three axes yet the view of the Earth from the asteroid never changes, the fact Freedom takes off from the asteroid near the end of the movie horizontally and without a runway... which is absolutely absurd and preposterous; they played incredibly fast and loose with this mindless schlock. THEN... fucking THEN there's the issue of the two shuttles taking off in close proximity to each other. The close distance could result in significant damage or destruction for either or both vehicles! Whether by incineration from take off, bad wind sheers from ascent, damage from jettisoning their solid rocket boosters so close to each other in space: I mean the list of horrifically careless disregards for science baffle me.

...and THEN, AND FUCKING THEN... there's the PLOT holes that don't have anything to do with science! Like given the quick-natured scheduling of the mission and the supposed "Top Secret" nature of the X-71 shuttle program, how in the name of ass does a RUSSIAN SPACE STATION hold the fuel the shuttles need to do the lunar roll maneuver and fly to the asteroid?!... and during the whole drama with disarming the remote detonation on the nuclear device, you'd think the WEAPONS SPECIALIST who's there solely to SUPERVISE the GODDAMN DEVICE would know what freakin' wire to cut when the device's counter is counting down. AAND THEEEN... from an IT standpoint... Killing the uplink to the nuclear weapon would not stop the timer, remotely. Once the timer on anything, let alone a bomb, has been started remotely via an uplink, the timer on it would  then function independently of any other remote functions. It would take an override code via an active uplink, not a killed uplink, to stop it. Thus, Truman's ploy to "buy them maybe two minutes" on the comet would have been useless. What he should have done was use the uplink to stop the timer, not kill the uplink itself.

"I love you, A.J. Be safe in space!"
"Just a sec, honey. I got some barbecue sauce on your
shoulder."
"I--, you--, what are you doing back there?'

Good God, this movie was utterly careless with its goofs. You can read a boatload more goofs on IMDb, where I pulled a few of these but also wrote some from memory. Taking all the haphazard, quick-handed, cash-in, shameless, effortless, skip-over, careless, nonchalant writing sessions that resulted in this screenplay? YEP. It has absolutely redeeming qualities, which is why I think it's still such a good movie despite all it's glaring gaffes; its characters and their actors are all PERFECTLY cast. They all have punchy one-liners, unique personalities, hilarious presences in many situations, and each one plays very hilariously off the next. All tied together by the serious and stoic Bruce Willis and Will Patton. The jokes said by Rockhound, the humor relayed by the banter between Bear and Oscar, all great, and memorable. So many great quotable lines in this flick.

That, and the movie does still jerk a few tears out of me at the end when Liv Tyler is saying goodbye to her dad via camera comm-link a gut-wrenching scene for me still. That says something in a bloated blockbuster such as this. Not many can do that. That, and one last thing: Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing". I rest my case.

Armageddon is something I hate to say you gotta experience it at least once. Everybody should at least once, just so they can inevitably say one of two things: "God that was fun", or "Holy Jesus that sucked". Honestly, both can be warranted reviews, but I'll still pop in this bottle rocket of fun any day of the week.

A Review of "Braveheart"

"That's my friend, Irishman, and the answer to your question is yes... I sure do dislike the Hollywood oligarchy run by
the heinous sect of you know whos who control and conquer using their you know what!"
"Mel, you're going off-script again."

Happy Friday all! Another week of moviegoing is upon us, and I have a fresh one here today that I just as recently as last Sunday I was able to finally sit down and watch.

We're here to discuss the 1995... blockbuster? I don't know, the Oscar winner? It certainly was a big time Oscar winner, taking home five of them including BEST PICTURE, so it's a wonder why I hadn't seen it. Telling the tale of the wars for Scottish Independence, starring none other than everybody's favorite well-known anti-Semite, Christ biographer, 80's mullet wearer, and semi-action hero/prolific dramatic actor, Mel Gibson... we're here to review Braveheart. I just watched this three-hour opus last Sunday with friends, and... hoo boy, let's dissect this movie through it's bloated plot and then we shall discuss!

"Any last words before we give you the axe?"
"Just make sure it isn't the gold kind, that shit smells."
"Oh son of a--, you're the fifth guy to make that joke! I
told ye, BODY SPRAY DOESN'T EXIST YET."

In 1280, King Edward "Longshanks" (Patrick McGoohan) invades and conquers Scotland following the death of the Scots king Alexander III, who left no heir to the throne. What kind of a name is "Longshanks", you ask? Well, he had long legs.... yep. Anywho, young William Wallace (James Robinson) witnesses Longshanks's execution of several Scottish nobles, suffers the deaths of his father and brother fighting against the English, and is taken abroad on a pilgrimage throughout Europe by his paternal uncle Argyle (Brian Cox), who has Wallace educated. Years later, Longshanks grants his noblemen land and privileges in Scotland, including ius primae noctis. What is "ius primae noctis"? Well, imagine you marry your wife, but you're not the first one to, you know, do the deed. Some Scottish nobleman gets to waltz into your house and do the deed first on your wedding night. So... you can imagine why that might make some people in Scotland a little upset. Meanwhile, a grown Wallace (Mel Gibson) returns to Scotland, rekindles the love with his childhood sweetheart Murron MacClannough (Catherine McCormack), and the two marry in secret. Wallace rescues Murron from being raped by English soldiers, but as Wallace fights off the soldiers, Murron is captured and publicly executed. In retribution, Wallace leads his clan to fight the English garrison in his hometown and sends the surviving garrison back to England with a message of rebellion for Longshanks.

Longshanks orders his son Prince Edward (Peter Hanly) to stop Wallace by any means necessary while he visits the French King to secure England's alliance with France. Alongside his friend Hamish (Brendan Gleeson), Wallace rebels against the English, and as his legend spreads, hundreds of Scots from the surrounding clans join him. Wallace leads his army to victory at the Battle of Stirling Bridge, where he decapitates the English commander Cheltham (Gerard McSorley), and sacks York after Prince Edward fails to send reinforcements there, killing Longshanks's nephew whose severed head is sent to the king. Wallace seeks the assistance of Robert the Bruce (Angus Macfadyen), the son of nobleman Robert the Elder, a contender for the Scottish crown. Robert is dominated by his leper father, who wishes to secure the Scottish throne for his son by submitting to the English. Worried by the threat of the rebellion, Longshanks sends his son's wife Isabella of France (Sophie Marceau) to try to negotiate with Wallace as a distraction for the landing of another invasion force in Scotland.

"Help me William Wallace of Scotland, you're my only
hope."

After meeting him in person, Isabella becomes enamored with Wallace. She warns him of the coming invasion, and Wallace implores the Scottish nobility to take immediate action to counter the threat and take back their country, asking Robert the Bruce to lead. Leading the English army himself, Longshanks confronts the Scots at Falkirk. During the battle, Scottish noblemen Mornay (Alun Armstrong) and Lochlan (John Murtagh), having been bribed by Longshanks, withdraw their men, resulting in Wallace's army being routed and the death of Hamish's father, Campbell (James Cosmo). Wallace is further betrayed when he discovers Robert the Bruce was fighting alongside Longshanks; after the battle, seeing the damage he helped do to his countrymen, Robert reprimands his father and vows never to be on the wrong side again. Meanwhile, Wallace kills Lochlan and Mornay for their betrayal and wages a guerrilla war against the English, assisted by Isabella, with whom he eventually has an affair. Robert sets up a meeting with Wallace in Edinburgh, but Robert's father conspires with other nobles to capture and hand over Wallace to the English. Learning of his treachery, Robert disowns and banishes his father. Isabella exacts revenge on the now terminally ill Longshanks, who can no longer speak, by telling him that his bloodline will be destroyed upon his death as she is pregnant with Wallace's child and will ensure that Prince Edward spends as short a time as possible on the throne before Wallace's child replaces him.

In London, Wallace is brought before an English magistrate, tried for high treason, and condemned to public torture and beheading. Even whilst being disemboweled alive, Wallace refuses to submit to the king. The watching crowd, deeply moved by the Scotsman's valor, begin crying for mercy on Wallace's behalf. The magistrate offers him one final chance, asking him only to utter the word, "Mercy", and be granted a quick death. Wallace instead shouts, "Freedom!", and his cry rings through the square, the dying Longshanks hearing it at his final breath. Before being beheaded, Wallace sees a vision of Murron in the crowd, smiling at him. In 1314, Robert, now Scotland's king, leads a Scottish army before a ceremonial line of English troops on the fields of Bannockburn, where he is supposed to formally accept English rule. Instead, he invokes Wallace's memory, imploring his men to fight with him as they did with Wallace. Hamish throws Wallace's sword point-down in front of the English army, and he and the Scots chant Wallace's name as Robert leads them into battle against the English, winning the Scots their freedom.

*cue The Lord of the Rings "running across landscape"
score music*

After two hours and fifty minutes, the credits rolled on Braveheart. What did I think? First off, I thought the cinematography was really well done, and captured perfectly the dreary, wet atmosphere of a rainy Scotland of the late 1200s/early 1300s. I was immersed into the atmosphere of the time very well, having no issues getting sucked into the culture and lexicon of the time.

That being said, I almost needed subtitles for this movie. Gibson I get is a native English speaker with a native English accent. He was born in New York, after all. So his Scottish accent was thin, but admirable at the same time. Still felt real, and I could consider him Scottish if I tried. The other Scots on the other hand, they were so natively Scottish I could barely make out a word they were saying. Just a lot of Scottish-laid adjectives and adverbs being thrown at me and me struggling to process every word. Real tough to get a good grasp on. So, if you're a casual filmgoer who gets easily distracted in your house by your surroundings, I strongly recommend subtitles. In fact I can't recommend them enough. I know a lot of people hate reading their way through a movie, but I recommend it. Ha.

This movie's also woefully historically inaccurate, and it's well documented on various sites all over the internet. Randall Wallace, who wrote the screenplay, has acknowledged Blind Harry's 15th-century epic poem The Acts and Deeds of Sir William Wallace, Knight of Elderslie as a major inspiration for the film. In defending his script, Randall Wallace has said, "Is Blind Harry true? I don't know. I know that it spoke to my heart and that's what matters to me, that it spoke to my heart." Mel Gibson, who also directed the movie as well as starred in it, seemed to pay little to no mind on the historical inaccuracies and continued full-steam ahead throughout production. You can read all about the movie's inaccuracies all over the web.

Still, in favoring the grandiose "epic adventure" Hollywood movie feeling over committing to telling the story right and thus possibly ending up with a long-winded blowhard biopic on our hands, it did make the movie more entertaining and thus not such a chore to sit through. Ultimately, I enjoyed Braveheart. It dragged at times, it stalled here and there, but the dialogue where decipherable (lol) was gripping and I could follow the story pretty easily. It's got action, some brutality even, especially at the end, and the battle scenes are iconic. Gibson's scene wearing the blue facepaint is recognizable, as is his famous line from the movie "They may take our lives, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!" I could see why the movie won five Oscars, again, including Best Picture for 1995 for sure. I recommend viewing it at least once in your life if you haven't already, and are in the mood for an dramatic action piece.

A Review of "Daredevil" (2003)

"A quid pro quo and a dosey-do, who is Daredevil? No one knows!"
"A sai and a hi and a howdily-do, I'm deranged now and here to kill you!"

Happy Friday! Yes, November had been barren of the reviews as of late. What with taking a week off after Halloween 2K23 to recharge, producing a review for Hulk from 2003, only to end up taking another week off mistakenly because of Thanksgiving... only one review this month so far and it's already done. But now it's December! and I'm back and ready to roll again... and why not keep the early 2000's superhero movie trend rolling? I don't know. I didn't really have a plan the remainder of the year.

"It is an honor to meet someone with a shinier head than me!"
"Likewise, Bullseye. An honor to meet a fellow baldy."

While Hulk confused and baffled audiences with its rather quirky presentation in 2003, another Marvel-owned property got a silver screen treatment too that same year. Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Colin Farrell, 2003 saw the first motion picture appearance of (and my first exposure to) the blind lawyer Matt Murdock who moonlights as a Satanically-Catholic-themed vigilante Daredevil, complete with actual horns. Titled simply Daredevil, it was a dark, brooding, moody presentation of the character. Since I was ten years old and hadn't read any Daredevil comics in my life before seeing this movie, I went into the theater with a clean slate mind. I actually came out quite entertained and loved the movie. Now? Twenty (barf) years on? Well, let me walk through the plot, and I'll tell you what I think!

As a child, young Matt Murdock (Scott Terra) is accidentally blinded by radioactive waste shortly after witnessing his father, washed-up prizefighter Jack "The Devil" Murdock (David Keith), extorting money for local mobster Fallon (Mark Margolis). Despite this, Matt's remaining senses are dramatically enhanced, giving him superhuman agility and sonar-like hearing. Feeling responsible for his son's accident, Jack is inspired to abandon his life of crime and recommit to his boxing career, leading to a dramatic comeback. Later, after Fallon reveals that he enabled Jack's comeback by bribing his previous opponents to let him win, he attempts to bribe Jack to throw his next match and has him murdered once he refuses.

"Your honor, I am indeed blind. If you check my
underwear, you will indeed find it inside out and
backwards!"

Years later, an adult Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck) works as an attorney in Hell's Kitchen with his friend Franklin "Foggy" Nelson (Jon Favreau), providing legal representation pro bono to clients whom he believes are actually innocent. By night, Matt fights crime as the costumed vigilante "Daredevil". Ben Urich (Joe Pantoliano), a New York Post reporter who chronicles Daredevil's exploits, attracts attention for a series of articles on "The Kingpin", a shadowy underworld figure who allegedly controls all of New York's organized crime. Unbeknownst to Urich, the Kingpin is actually Wilson Fisk (Michael Clarke Duncan), a brutal mobster who poses as a legitimate businessman. Matt, meanwhile, falls in love with Elektra Natchios (Jennifer Garner), a Greek-American woman who is very not Greek-American looking that is also skilled in martial arts, unaware that she is the daughter of Fisk's lieutenant Nikolas Natchios (Erick Avari). Later, when Natchios attempts to end his relationship with Fisk, Fisk hires Bullseye (Colin Farrell), a hitman with preternatural aim, to kill him. When Daredevil unsuccessfully attempts to save Natchios from assassination, Bullseye manages to frame Daredevil for his murder by stealing his opponent's distinctive baton and impaling Natchios with it. Afterward, Urich deduces that Matt is Daredevil after realizing that he disguises his baton as a white cane.

Believing Daredevil to be responsible for her father's murder, Elektra attempts to take revenge by killing him. Meanwhile, Bullseye, assigned by Fisk to kill Elektra, who tracks Daredevil down and challenges him to a fight before incapacitating him by stabbing him through the shoulder. Daredevil protests that he did not kill her father, but Elektra does not believe him until she forcibly unmasks him and realizes that he is Matt. Moments later, when Bullseye tracks Elektra down, Matt is forced to watch helplessly as Bullseye kills her. Wounded, Matt takes refuge in a church, but Bullseye ambushes him by exploiting his weakness to loud sound. When the police swarm the church, Bullseye reveals that Kingpin killed Matt's father, leaving behind a rose on his body as a calling card. Soon, Matt gains the upper hand and throws Bullseye from the bell tower after an NYPD ESU sniper shoots him through both hands, depriving him of his powerful aim... uttering the Arnold-esque one liner "Bullseye" as he crashes onto a NYPD squad car. But the movie's still not over! Determined to avenge Elektra, Matt ambushes Fisk in his office. In the ensuing fight, he ultimately triumphs against Fisk's brute strength by using his sonar hearing to see Fisk after he is drenched in rain from Fisk's plumbing system. During their confrontation, Fisk admits that he killed Jack on Fallon's orders and that Elektra's death was nothing but a casualty. As the police arrive to arrest Fisk, he threatens to reveal Daredevil's identity to the world, but Matt points out that no one will ever believe that Daredevil is a blind man. Something that the comic "Born Again" in the Daredevil universe didn't care to try and use as a prevention device.

"What am I, Matt? Foggy Nelson or a Happy Hogan variant?"
"Or you could be a Foggy variant too."
"THAT'S THE GENIUS OF ALL THIS!"

Some time after Elektra's death, Matt visits the roof of his apartment, where the two of them first kissed, and unexpectedly finds Elektra's necklace with her name engraved upon it in braille, hinting that she might still be alive. Urich prepares to publish an article revealing Daredevil's identity, but decides against it at the last minute, finally accepting that Daredevil's efforts have improved the city. He exits the New York Post office into the night outside and sees Daredevil atop a roof, whispering "Go get 'em, Matt", to which Daredevil nods his head and takes off, leaping off the building to pursue his nightly crimefighting routine. Elsewhere, a heavily-bandaged Bullseye wakes up in a heavily-guarded hospital room and kills a fly off-camera with a syringe needle... proving he's still got his deadly aiming skills!

That is 2003's brooding, angsty presentation of the Marvel comics character of the same name, Daredevil. What do I think this many years on? Well, it's still a solid enough movie. I'm still entertained about ninety-percent of the time. There are some things this far on that suck me out of the movie. Jennifer Garner's casting, the severely dated nu metal soundtrack, the biker-outfit design of Daredevil's costume, Kevin Smith's random-ass cameo; it is one of those superhero movies that while it's still watchable and still entertaining, it isn't exactly timeless. It does feel dated both in cinematography, costume design, and soundtrack. That and Jon Favreau as Foggy Nelson seems so out of place given his future big-time role in kickstarting the Marvel Cinematic Universe and playing "Happy Hogan" in said Universe. Colin Farrell as Bullseye is so comically over-the-top, even his performance feels like a dated performance of when comic book movies were campy and cartoony. Same vein as Willem Dafoe's Green Goblin, if you ask me, but much more comical. Like Dafoe is at an eight out of ten... Farrell is about fifteen, and an eleven in his quieter, duller moments.

"Alright, asshole. No more bullshit. Sign up for
the Capitol One credit card, motherfucker, or
I'm going to cut your dick off!"

Where Daredevil from 2003 truly suffers is by comparison to the 2015 Netflix series that came after it. I've done reviews far back in the day in 2018 of the first two seasons of that show (here and here, respectively) that I think very fondly of and did the character and story of Daredevil far better justice. While it too was dark and violent, it obviously has more of a timeless feel. It's brutal, it's unforgiving at times, and while it feels borderline R-Rated like this movie does, it feels so without, again, the cheesiness of the era smothered all over it. I haven't reviewed season 3 yet, but I should go back and do a re-review on those first two seasons before doing that one. Plus, with the MCU set to release Daredevil: Born Again very soon, starring Charlie Cox and Vincent D'Onofrio in their roles as Daredevil and Kingpin, respectively, I anticipate it heavily.

I would say as a fun afternoon watch to remember a bygone era of superhero films, you should check out Daredevil from 2003, but I recommend viewing the director's cut of the movie if you can. It tries to restore director Mark Steven Johnson's original R-Rated take, adding a couple "fucks" as well as heavy cleavage shots, and it actually inserts a whole subplot involving Coolio that was cut from the theatrical cut and shows Matt and Foggy, psh, I don't know, BEING lawyers! A pretty integral part of the Daredevil mythos that the PG-13 theatrical cut just dropped for no reason. You seem them be lawyers for about three minutes, then nothing. Go check  out Daredevil from 2003. Ten year old me gives it a "YAY!" but thirty year old me gives it a much more modest and grounded "Yay." Ha.

A Review of "Hulk" (2003)

"There something really bad behind Hulk, isn't there?"
"Yeah Hulk it's the United States arm--"
"It San Francisco! HULK NO LIKE HOMELESS FENTANYL ADDICTS!"

Happy Friday! Well I took a couple of weeks off after Halloween 2K23, and I'm back *dun* *dun* back again! Pretty sure I made that joke already, but never mind that. I repeat an awful lot of jokes on a constant basis. This shall be no different.

Don't ask me why I chose to review today's movie. I re-watched it recently during "brain shut off" time at work where I went on autopilot to perform tasks. I used to have the 2-disc DVD special edition when it first came out all the way in 2003, too. I watched it, well, clips of it, repeatedly. That was back when I owned movies on DVD when DVD was a new concept to me and would just skip around and watch certain scenes over and over again rather than watch the whole movie start to finish, as a normal boy or girl does. We already tackled the Sam Raimi Spider-Man trilogy in September prior to our Halloween 2K23 celebration/marathon session, so why not keep the slew of early 2000s superhero movies going? Like I said, I don't know if I'll take December off so I can fully recharge prior to the new year, but I'll let you all know.

"I see you guys went ahead and ordered lunch for the whole
office and didn't include a Caesar salad for me... how
typical."

For now, let's dive into 2003's adaptation of one of the most popular Marvel Comics superheroes ever, "The Incredible Hulk". Titled simply Hulk, the movie (much like the comics) tells the story of a man blasted in a mysterious science-y wave of particles that, when his body endures stress or anger, forces him to transform into a mindless, mean-green, destruction machine. 2003's Hulk got the basic genus of this storyline correct. The rest it sprinkled in? Ehhhhh... well let's just skippity-dip through the movie and deduce for ourselves, shall we?

The movie starts with trippy comic panel presentations of comic sans font trickled over imagery of microbiology, setting the stage for all the smart this dumb movie tries to convey. David Banner (Paul Kersey) is a genetics researcher for the government trying to improve human DNA. His supervisor, Colonel Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross (Sam Elliot), forbids human experimentation, so David experiments on himself. His wife, Edith (Cara Buono), soon gives birth to their son, Bruce Banner (Michael and David Kronenberg). David realizes Bruce inherited his mutant DNA and attempts to find a cure. After discovering his experiments, Ross shuts down David's research; David rigs Desert Base's gamma reactor to explode as revenge.... which seems like a rather large overreaction. Believing he is dangerous... quite frankly all of a sudden without warning..., David tries to kill Bruce but accidentally murders Edith when she gets between them; the trauma makes Bruce suppress his early childhood memories. Ross arrests and sends David to a mental hospital, putting the 4-year-old Bruce into foster care. Mrs. Krenzler (Celia Weston) adopts him, and Bruce assumes the surname, growing up believing his birth parents are dead.

"...as God as my witness, where is the
REMOTE CONTROL?!"

Thirty years later, Bruce (Eric Bana) is a brilliant scientist working at the Berkeley Lab with his girlfriend and Ross's estranged daughter, Betty Ross (Jennifer "hubba hubba" Connelly). Representing the private research company Atheon, the shady Glenn Talbot (Josh Lucas) becomes interested in the scientists' nanomeds research to create regenerating soldiers for the military-industrial complex. David (Nick Nolte) reappears as a janitor in the lab building to infiltrate Bruce's life. The now-general Ross investigates, becoming concerned for Betty's safety around Bruce. Bruce saves a colleague named Harper (Kevin Rankin) from an accident with a malfunctioning gammasphere. Bruce wakes in a hospital bed and tells Betty he feels better than ever, but Betty cannot fathom his survival since the nano-meds killed everything else; unknown to them, the radiation merged with Bruce's altered DNA. Later, David meets Bruce, revealing their relationship and hinting at Bruce's mutation. He later uses samples of Bruce's DNA for animal experimentation. Bruce's increasing rage from the tensions around him activates his gamma-radiated DNA; he becomes the Hulk (performed via motion capture by director Ang Lee) and destroys the lab. Betty finds Bruce unconscious in his home the next morning, barely remembering the previous night. Ross arrives later to question Bruce before Betty locates David to investigate him. After hours of interrogation, Ross seizes the lab and places Bruce under house arrest. David calls Bruce that night, revealing he mutated his three dogs and sicked them on Betty, enraging him. Bemoaning the lab's destruction, Talbot attacks Bruce, who transforms, injuring Talbot and Ross's MPs. The Hulk finds Betty at her forest cabin, and in a rather badass fight scene that goes on for just the right amount of time (not sarcasm)... saves her from the dogs, and changes back into Bruce.

"I swear on high-Heaven I will never do another Marvel
movie. Marvel is shit!"
"Hey Sam, they want you for an old caretaker dude opposite
Nicholas Cage as a fiery demon biker."
"You son of a bitch, I'm in!"

Disregarding their daddy-daughter drama, Betty calls Ross the following day; the army tranquilizes and takes Bruce to Desert Base. Deeming him doomed to follow in David's footsteps, Ross doubts helping Bruce, but Betty persuades Ross to let her try. David subjects himself to the nano-meds (having stolen the research from Bruce and Betty) and gammasphere, becoming able to meld with and absorb the properties of anything he touches. He actually masters the ability rather quickly! Talbot wrestles control from Ross, forcing Betty to return home. Seeking to profit from the Hulk's power, Talbot fails to provoke Bruce and puts him in an isolation tank. David confronts Betty at her house, offering to surrender himself yet asking to speak to Bruce "one last time". Talbot induces a nightmare from Bruce's repressed memories and triggers a transformation. Time for some chaos as, in another epic scene in my opinion, the Hulk rips free from the containment tank and escapes. Trapping the Hulk in sticky foam, Talbot tries taking a sample of him, but the Hulk breaks free. Talbot is killed when he fires an explosive round that ricochets, and Ross resumes command. The Hulk escapes the base, battles the army in the desert, and leaps to San Francisco to find Betty. She convinces Ross to take her to the Hulk, returning Bruce to normal.

By now, I am heckin' exhausted, but this movie's still going! In the climax of the movie, Bruce and David talk at a base in the city while Ross watches, threatening to incinerate them both. David has descended into megalomania, wanting Bruce's power to destroy his enemies. After Bruce refuses, David bites into a high-voltage cable when Ross powers it and absorbs the energy, mutating into a powerful electrical entity. Bruce becomes the Hulk and fights and overpowers him; they are presumed dead after Ross orders a Gamma Charge Bomb to end the battle. A year later, Ross has Betty under constant surveillance, as many Hulk sightings get reported. In exile in the Amazon Rainforest, Bruce is alive as a medical camp doctor. His camp gets overrun by soldiers who try to steal their supplies. After Bruce unsuccessfully warns their commander not to make him angry, the Hulk bellows in rage... screen cuts to "green". End credits roll.

No caption. I just wanted to include a pic of
Jennifer Connelly. 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

That is 2003's Hulk. Look, I'm a big fan of "The Incredible Hulk" comic book and story. Hulk is one of my favorites. At the time of writing this, I'm reading the 2023 series of Incredible Hulk comic books about the age of monsters, and Hulk is fighting ancient demons summoned by a resurrected which mother! It's pretty neat. Mostly I love the story of a man battling his own inner demons, inner demons stemming from overemotional responses to abuse and trauma from his childhood... that coupled with a science experiment that backfired not in his favor leading him to transform into a horrible creature. Hunted by the military for the secrets of his powers, Bruce Banner remains in hiding, and on the run. That is the essence of the Incredible Hulk story. This movie captures... some of that.

I think it goes without saying the best adaptation of the Incredible Hulk comic book there is is the old TV show from 1978 to 1982 starring Bill Bixby as "Dr. David Banner" and bodybuilding icon Lou Ferrigno as the Incredible Hulk. While this movie tried to be that, it tries to be other things too. Number one is it tries to be a living, breathing comic book. Which can be disorienting. It incorporates different angles that cross-fade, curtain-wipe, and blend-in with the existing shots... as well as literal editing showing frames that showcase different scenes, trying to create the illusion of a comic book. While I find the tribute to the medium the source material originated from fascinating and touching, it doesn't really work well for a movie like this. Spider-Man didn't do it, X-Men didn't do it, Blade didn't do it; it is unnecessary, and if anything, a little pretentious to me.

As for the characters and actors playing them? Eric Bana really does play a great Bruce Banner, though I'd be lying if I said his "rage" moments didn't seem to stem from nothing and came across as hissy fits more than actual trauma-based rage moments. On top of that, his Hulk appears very... babyfaced. His skin tone is saturated and, I don't know, I just prefer the MCU Hulk we'd get later that looked and acted more menacing like an actual "monster". While this one destroys stuff, he looks like an eight-year-old boy. His rage sells me, and his anger is well-presented, but on top of that, he just seems like a rather silly interpretation of the Hulk character.

"Eric, come on, before action... just one cup of urine...
that'll get me off the hook!"
"Nick, the studio security is here."
"FUCK, SCATTER!"

That's the best way I can sum up the movie. It seems like just a very silly interpretation of a story that can either be silly or very serious in tone. Some shows in the 60s tried to present the Hulk as a comedic oaf character and I just don't see it. I prefer the Hulk that's a monster; something that has to be contained. That's the whole point of the story. 2008's The Incredible Hulk did it perfectly, as the '78 TV show did. This one sort of does it, and that's it. It's just very meh. Like it tries, but doesn't quite capture what we were going or hoping for.

To sum it all up, Hulk is a mixed bag. One of the biggest cornerstone examples I can use as an example of such a movie. While it's characters and their portrayals are boring, its dialogue is at least somewhat gripping. While the pacing is horrifically imbalanced, the cinematography is nothing if not at least an attempt in innovation! Some people might like it, who knows; I'm only one guy!... and while the Hulk is very derpy and dopey looking, his action sequences are gripping, entertaining, and thrilling all at once. It's source material is ground-breaking in comics, yet its runtime feels bloated and long-winded. It's a very "give and take" movie. I call it very "meh", myself. I still get some entertainment out of it, but I can't say the same for the casual viewer. I recommend it if you like the Hulk character, but otherwise you don't need to watch it.

I will say this though, it had one kick-ass video game tie-in!

HALLOWEEN 2K23 BONUS #3: A Review of "Halloween Ends"

It's humorous to me to think Michael's so old in the universe in this movie, if he wasn't living in a sewer eating rats and
hacking teenagers to pieces, he'd be sitting on his front porch complaining about Democrats.

Yeah, you knew this was coming given the context of the previous "bonus" post. Once again, Happy Halloween 2023 to all of you, and welcome back to Spoiler Alert! I'm here today to catch myself up (at least for the time being, until they make more) on all the existing Halloween movies, since a couple new ones came out while I was on a blogging hiatus in 2021 and 2022.

"Trust me, Mr. DJ. This hurts me a lot more than it
hurts you."

Halloween Kills, as we discussed in our OTHER bonus debuting today here, is a giant, farcical dud of a horror movie. "Evil dies tonight"... "Forty years ago"... "evil dies tonight"... "forty years ago"... "Evil dies"... "Forty years"... blah blah blah. A shamelessly dumb sequel that tried to disguise its inadequate storytelling and Monty Python-level characters with a couple cool kills and some grim savagery. Not enough. The movie still blew chunks. I'll still watch it, but I won't necessarily enjoy it, it's like a requirement since it's the middle chapter and key characters are killed off. So having gotten that... I was dreading the supposed "final chapter" in this reboot trilogy by Blumhouse coming out the very next year. Turns out, I had nothing to worry about because Halloween Ends kicks ass. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

In a move literally nobody expected, not even me, Halloween Ends rebounded and accomplished what Kills fumbled on. Somehow, in keeping with the "reboot" style of filmmaking where originals are mimicked/copied slightly but other stuff is very discretely but effectively changed... Halloween '18 mimicked the original '78 Halloween, Halloween Kills very poorly but at least tried to do Halloween II from 1981... does that mean Halloween Ends since it has Michael Myers in it will try and do Halloween 4?? Which in and of itself was already a reboot-quel to Halloween '78? NOPE. Halloween Ends got even more brave than Kills, and in my opinion, succeeded much better by reboot-quel'ing Halloween III: Season of the Witch. You know, the one that didn't have anything to do with Michael Myers? The one everybody hates for no reason? How does it do that? How about having the balls to minimalize Laurie's screentime, cut Michael's screentime down to basically here and there and then ten minutes in the third act... and focus the ENTIRE rest of the fucking movie on some fuck named Corey?? What sounds like a fresh load of ass on paper, ended up being a ton of fun in the theater. Let's dig into Halloween Ends.

"Laurie, do you--"
"Want out of this franchise like I'm a trapped dog chewing
on its own leg to get free? Yes."
"--know where they keep the minced garlic?"

On Halloween night in 2019, one year after the events of '18 and Kills, 21-year-old Corey Cunningham (Rohan Campbell) babysits a young boy named Jeremy Allen (Jaxon Goldberg), who pulls a prank on him by locking him inside the attic. Just as Jeremy's parents (Jack William Marshall, Candice Rose) come home, Corey kicks the door open and accidentally knocks Jeremy over a staircase railing to his death. RIGHT there, the movie kicked me right in the balls and roped me in by having the balls to kill a kid brutally in the first five minutes. Corey is then arrested for intentionally killing Jeremy but is cleared of manslaughter, with outcasting results.

Three years later, the town of Haddonfield, Illinois, is still reeling from the aftermath of Michael Myers's latest killing spree in 2018, while Michael (James Jude Courtney, Nick Castle) has vanished. Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) is writing a memoir and living with her granddaughter Allyson (Andi Matichak). Meanwhile, Corey is working at his stepfather's salvage yard. On his way home one day, he is accosted by high school bullies and injures himself in the process. An observing Laurie brings him to the doctor's office where Allyson works. Allyson and Corey develop a relationship... I don't know, somehow... and later attend a Halloween party, where Corey is confronted by Mrs. Allen. Corey leaves the party and runs into the bullies who throw him off a bridge. He is dragged into the sewers and choked by Michael, who eventually lets him go. Here we see Michael in a state we've never seen him in before... weak, tired, brittle, destitute, barren and completely unmotivated. As he crawls out, Corey is threatened by a homeless man. In a struggle, Corey stabs the man to death and flees.

"Michael, please, don't kill me! You won't learn how I saved
fifteen percent or more by switching to GEICO!"

At a dinner date, Allyson’s ex-boyfriend harasses her, leading to Corey later luring him into the sewer to be killed by Michael. Allyson is passed over for a promotion at work, in favor of a nurse who is having an affair with the doctor. Later that night, Corey kills the doctor at his home while Michael kills the nurse... a horrifically-inspiring tag-team of terror! An unknowing Allyson plans to leave Haddonfield with an insistent Corey because of the past trauma, while Laurie realizes Corey is infected by Michael's evil. Something I didn't quite understand about the movie is I didn't know if it was truly something Michael "passed on" to him, or if it was just a disease of Corey's mind ending up making him insane. I prefer the latter, the former is a little too supernatural for me, but I mean Michael himself is also supernatural so I guess it's not that big of a deal. Anywho, Laurie finds Corey sleeping in the spot where Jeremy died, and offers to help him on the condition that he distance himself from Allyson. Corey retorts by blaming her for the events that have occurred in Haddonfield and says if he cannot have Allyson, no one will. Isn't that the calming thing you wanted to hear from your granddaughter's would-be boyfriend?

Corey returns to the sewers where he successfully fights Michael for his mask and embarks on a rampage, murdering the bullies after luring them to the salvage yard, one of who accidentally kills Corey's stepfather. He goes on to kill his mother and a DJ at a local radio station, who had taunted him earlier. At the Strode house, Laurie fakes a suicide attempt to lure Corey to her, whom she shoots down the stairs. Corey then stabs himself in the neck to frame Laurie for his death in front of the arriving Allyson, who leaves in distress. Michael suddenly arrives, retrieves his mask... which by now I noticed and remarked has to reek to high hell, and kills Corey. A fight ensues in Laurie's kitchen, and Laurie manages to pin Michael to the kitchen table and slit his throat. After a struggle, Allyson, convinced of the truth behind Corey's death after receiving a call from Deputy Frank Hawkins (Will Patton), returns to help subdue and finally kill Michael by slicing his wrist.

"God, kissing the future Haddonfield serial killer star of
Halloween is so hot!"
"What?"
"What?"

In a truly ballsy ending, Laurie and Allyson take Michael's body to the salvage yard by police escort, attracting the residents of Haddonfield, who follow them in a procession, and dispose of it in an industrial shredder. For the first time ever, as far as I'm aware, this is the first time where we have seen Michael Myers definitively die at the end of a Halloween movie. I mean that guy is D. E. A. D. You see his head burst in the shredder like his body explodes like a balloon full of meat. You are not getting up from a bolt of lightning or satanic ritual from that. In the ensuing days, Allyson and Laurie reconcile, and Allyson leaves Haddonfield while Laurie finishes her memoir and rediscovers her romance with Hawkins...

... and thus brings the curtain down on the Blumhouse/Carpenter/Curtis Halloween reboot trilogy. You are not going to find a more definitive Halloween sequel ending than that... and I'll reiterate my controversial opinion, because I did find myself in the minority with it; the vast minority. I loved this movie. I thought it was a welcome, fresh take on the mythos and a worthy, trilogy-concluding movie. I thought by minimalizing Michael's screentime, cutting down Laurie's role, and maximizing the focus on Allyson and this psycho dude Corey was just the right move this third movie needed in the trilogy needed. I thought it was fresh, and when it's fresh in a horror movie, it's unpredictable... and when it's unpredictable, it's gripping and even scary again. People were lambasting this movie when it first came out and it was pretty much a repeat of when Halloween III: Season of the Witch came out forty years before it. "Michael's not in it enough", "the story's too radically different", "I want to see the same old shit again". This movie did not need to do the same old "Michael comes home" shit over again. This movie delivered terror and brutality fine without Michael Myers. All this movie had to do was give Michael and Laurie their final showdown it advertised in the last act, and it did. That was the only requirement. I did not care how they got there, and because of that, I thoroughly enjoyed the route they took to get there. Thumbs up.

Since Corey takes front and center as a wounded duckling who became a violent psychopath fueled by hate and revenge, Michael goes from being an unstoppable horror villain impervious to conventional weapons to being old, decrepit, and a broken shell of a serial killer who serves as Corey's "sensei of slashing" so to speak... another exciting twist. Which was weird! I mean the movie takes place in 2022; in the in-movie universe, that would put Michael at sixty-five years old. He's literally a senior citizen, I mean he qualifies for a discount breakfast at Denny's, and he hasn't killed since 2018. It tries to tell us, or at least imply, that Michael's power derives from his murdering. The supernatural force that John Carpenter always touted about? The one that drives him. Supposedly it is controlled and fueled by his killings. That's retroactively adds depth to the mob scene from Kills, where Michael appears to be getting overpowered, but then all of a sudden he comes alive, becomes super strong, and just knifes and stabs and mercs everyone around him. I thought his partnership and eventual betrayal with Corey was just what the doctor ordered. It fools you into thinking Michael's just going to take a backseat the whole movie and in the final fifteen minutes he just pops back up and goes "Nuh uh, boy. This is still my show" and just kills Corey in cold blood.

This is how white people look in sports stadiums when the
PA system goes ♫Sweeeet Caaaaroooline♫

The final fight with Laurie and Michael, the icing on the sundae, the whole reason this trilogy got sold to get made in the first place, fits the mold of the movie and satisfied me. It was brutal, violent, bloody, intense, and we got the ending that Laurie, after forty-four years, deserved. To see Michael Myers die, even if the previous shitty sequels jerked us off with false deaths, diversion tactics, and misleading Michael kills, still was surreal. We've seen Michael "die" numerous times, but like I said earlier... this time he's deader than disco. I mean he's up shit creek without a paddle. If they renew the contract and do a fourth one, the way they try to explain him coming back from that will be so monumentally stupid it'll suck me out of the rest of the movie. Thankfully, with this being Jamie Lee's final outing as Laurie, John Carpenter's final involvement in the franchise, and Blumhouse's final Halloween release under their current contract, this movie brought the curtain down in a number of ways and it was a satisfying conclusion and I don't see them doing the stupid 80's slasher sequel re-hash tactic shamelessly in any way shape or form.

Halloween Ends ends the trilogy in a satisfying way. It's a fun new take on the Halloween and Michael Myers/Laurie Strode mythos, the character of Corey Cunningham takes a front-and-center role in this story and somehow knocks it out of the park in terms of being scary and feeble at the same time... and the kills in this movie are top-of-the-line brutal and violent. It is quite the Halloween movie, and I put it higher on my list than some of the others. I loved it in the theater, and I loved the rewatch I did when it came out on digital/video. It holds up, it's solid, it's a fun time, and thank GOD it's fresh. I fully recommend Halloween Ends. To me, the Blumhouse reboot trilogy stands as a great first entry/reintroduction to the story, and has a satisfying, wildly unpredictable conclusion at the end. I just look at Halloween Kills as that weird, cartoony middle chapter.

That's it for Halloween 2K23! Thanks for reading, stay safe out there, and HAPPY FRIGGIN' HALLOWEEN!