A Review of "Jingle All the Way"

This image could just easily be two dudes fighting over a PS5 in 2020 and nothing would change.

Another Halloween has come and gone, and I took the month of November off to soothe the soul and get back into the blogging mentality, as I am prone to do after a marathon of a Halloween 2K celebration. But that was October, and now it's December. That's right. Month twelve of twelve in what is quite possibly the worst year in recorded history. Yes, the pandemic is still ongoing and there's no end in sight, but at least it's not raining.

Being December, I'm finally going to blow some holiday cheer right out of my butt. It's time to get into the Christmas spirit and discuss some of my favorite Christmas movies at long last. In this blog so far it's been Halloween this, Batman that. Star Wars this, Bill & Ted that. I'm going to change it up a bit this year and actually touch upon some holiday movies that I love and watch every year. I'll go ahead and throw the disclaimer out there right now. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation will not be on the list. Why? Don't think I don't like it. Far from it. I would just like some diversity to my list and would like to try and stand apart from the common list of Christmas movies people watch. That's a movie that everyone loves. I have yet to meet a soul that doesn't care for, much less hates that movie. Somehow, it stands as being the universally praised and worshipped Christmas movie... and for that reason I am straying away from it and leaving it be. Right on the pedestal where it belongs.

Disney celebrating that they got you by
the balls (or... or ovaries if you're a lady)...
Equality, pal.

That being said... WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT TICKLE ME ELMO?! If you're too young to remember, and I am... I was only three when the craze happened... Tickle Me Elmo was the subject of the 1996 "Elmo Craze". That is... Tickle Me Elmo was a toy released in 1996 and, if you don't know, you would squeeze Elmo, he would vibrate and giggle. It was a toy that became a fad, and by Holiday season 1996, became such a sensation that department and toy stores reported brawls, fights, spats, throwdowns, fist swaps, kick'ems, punch-drunk wrestling, slap-happy shenanigans, hurty-hands time, and anything else in between as customers fought each other and others just to get to tickle Elmo themselves. What does this have to do with the movie today? Well... it's the same premise, only instead of Tickle Me Elmo, we're talking about Turbo Man. Hunting for Turbo Man is the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is Jingle All the Way, a movie that teaches us Christmas isn't about being with your family, wholesome snowfall, celebrating love and life, or the joy of the holidays... it's about fucking toys and getting your brats exactly what they want for Christmas so that they don't grow up and hate you. Let's dive right in and see why consumerism is poison!

Who here would pay Arnold to teach them a
"How to be a Mall Santa" crash course? I know
I would.

Workaholic Minneapolis mattress salesman Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger) loves his wife, Liz (Rita Wilson), and nine-year-old son, Jamie (Jake "Thank God it's not Star Wars" Lloyd), but is unable to find time for his family and often put in a bad light by his neighbor, divorcé Ted Maltin (Phil Hartman... God rest your glorious soul), who harbors unrequited feelings for Liz. After missing Jamie's karate class graduation by running late from overworking, Howard resolves to redeem himself by fulfilling Jamie's Christmas wish of an action figure of Turbo Man, a popular television superhero, despite Liz actually having asked him to buy one two weeks earlier, which Howard forgot about. On Christmas Eve, Howard sets out to buy the toy, but finds that every store has sold out, and in the process develops a rivalry with Myron Larabee (the long, forgotten Sinbad), a postal worker father with the same ambition. Apparently gift-giving to your children should've long been considered an Olympic event, given the competition the two show as the movie goes on.

(c. 1996) Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to
remember just who in the hell Sinbad is.

In desperation, Howard meets a shady mall Santa (Jim Belushi) and attempts to buy a figure from a counterfeit toy brand, which results in a massive fight in the warehouse that is broken up when the police arrive. Howard narrowly escapes arrest by posing as an undercover officer. Exhausted at his failure and out of fuel, Howard goes to Mickey's Diner... surprising to me, an actual restaurant in Saint Paul, Minnesota... and calls home, intending to tell his wife the truth. Jamie answers the phone but keeps reminding Howard of his promise to be home in time for the annual Holiday Wintertainment Parade. Losing his patience, Howard yells at Jamie, after which he feels guilty and depressed after Jamie scolds him for not keeping his promises. I'm sure this is something Arnold has to deal with on a regular basis. Those Terminator sequels have to buy the kids' tuition! Howard finds Myron at the diner and they share their experiences over coffee, where Myron tells Howard of his resentment towards his own father for failing to get him a Johnny Seven OMA for Christmas... also surprisng to me, a real toy someone sold. As they talk, they overhear as a radio station advertises a competition for a Turbo Man doll. The ensuing fight between Howard and Myron results in the diner's phone getting damaged, forcing Howard and Myron to race to the radio station on foot, where the DJ ("Gene Parmesan" from Arrested Development) tells them that the competition was actually for a Turbo Man gift certificate... something they really should have made very, very apparent over the phone line to avoid lawsuits for fraudulent advertising. The police are alerted, but Howard and Myron escape after Myron threatens the officers with a letter bomb, which... in one of the funniest damn scenes in the movie... one officer sets off by accident, revealing that the letter was in fact a real bomb. "That was really a bomb? This is a sick world we're living in, with sick people!"

"Alright, Jamie. It's Jingle All the Way 2 or
Star Wars - Episode I."
"Star Wars."
"Oh man... big mistake."

Upon returning to his car, Howard finds it stripped by car thieves, with "Merry X-Mas" spray-painted on the windshield. He returns home in a tow truck only to find Ted putting the star on his Christmas tree. Feeling the seeds of his divorce being planted, Howard overreacts. In retaliation, Howard attempts to steal the Turbo Man doll Ted bought for his son, Johnny, but is caught in the act and left alone while his family go to the Christmas parade with Ted. After letting Jamie and Johnny out of the car, Ted attempts to seduce Liz, but she violently rejects him by hitting him with a thermos of eggnog that Ted offered to her. Funny in execution, but creepy in theory... that egg nog could've been drugged! This is a family movie for goodness sake! Meanwhile, remembering his promise to Jamie to go to the parade, Howard decides to attend as well, but runs into the officer from the radio station. You know... the one that wasn't killed by an IED set off in the radio station? Yeah, him. The ensuing chase leads to Howard hiding inside a storage room, where he is mistaken for the actor portraying Turbo Man in the parade, and dressed in the highly technological costume. As Turbo Man, Howard uses his chance to present a limited-edition action figure to Jamie, but they are confronted by Myron, dressed as Turbo Man's enemy, Dementor. This rivalry has hit new levels of ridiculousness, but I'm laughing the whole way.

Despite Howard's pleas for Myron to stop, a long chase ensues, involving even a goddamn jetpack flight. Myron acquires the toy from Jamie but is cornered by police officers, while Howard saves his son. Howard reveals himself to his family and apologizes for his shortcomings. The police return the toy to Jamie as Myron is arrested, but Jamie decides to give the toy to Myron for his son, proclaiming his father as his true hero while the crowd from the parade carries Howard for being a hero while Myron looks and smiles. So that's it... Howard busted his ass, got into brawls, fought and punched his way through the day, flew around untrained in a jetpack costume for the parade, possibly risking falling injuries or even death... all for Jamie just to surrender the toy to the one guy he was fighting the whole time. As much of a kick in the dick that is, it doesn't get any better for our boy Howard, as in a post-credits scene, that night, Howard finishes decorating their Christmas tree by putting the star on top. But when Liz asks Howard what he got for her, he realizes in horror that he forgot to get Liz a gift.

Arnold (then) and Arnold (now) realizing that
there actually was a Jingle All the Way 2.

So that's Jingle All the Way. It's a movie I've watched at least once a Christmas for so many years, I've lost count. It's got its good and bad moments for sure. Obviously the casting gets a nod. The duo of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad is actually pretty hilarious and creates awkwardly ribald chemistry. The quiet and tough Arnold has met his match in the doughy, witty Sinbad. Not to mention, Phil Hartman being cast as the sleazy wife-stealing neighbor adds to the hilarity ten fold. The bad stuff is some of the hokiness. Obviously the IED scene doesn't kill the cop being the biggest glaring one, and the D.J. telling people over the air that he has an action figure to give away when he really just had a gift certificate... cheap ploys like that, but I suppose it's all in good fun.

If you haven't already, add Jingle All the Way to your Christmas watchlist. Just don't add that weird, out of date, awkwardly released "sequel" where Arnold apparently transmorgipfied into Larry the Cable Guy...