Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #5 - Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

They tried! Honest to God, they actually tried!

Alright so it's been a few weeks since I put a nice little neat bow on the bottom-five of the Star Wars saga... again, in my opinion. Don't wet yourselves over this. So today, I thought after taking a three post break with some Bat-ology that I still had to finish, I figured I'd rebound back to Star Wars. Think of me as a Merry-Go-Round that just watches crappy movies all day. So... when I first started this Ranking the Star Wars movies, I had to obviously include our next entry, otherwise it wouldn't be a ranking out of ten. It would be a ranking out of nine. Ten has always been the most official number in the history of our country. The FBI's "10 Most Wanted", David Letterman's "Tonight's Top 10 List", Buzzfeed's "10 Ways You Resemble Kim Kardashian's Left Testicle"; the list needed to be ten. I couldn't leave it at just the nine episodes in the weakly umbrella-titled Skywalker Saga. Besides... Rogue One: A Star Wars Story still stands in my opinion the best Star Wars film Disney has done up to this point, and arguably still the best Star Wars thing Disney has done... though don't get me wrong, The Mandalorian is practically neck and neck.

"Now that I have your attention, who ate the last Ding Dong?"
"They're unconscious, Chirriut."

Rogue One has the distinct honor of being the first theatrically released, live-action, high-budget Star Wars film that wasn't a part of the main episodic saga. What's that? Spin-off films can happen in this universe? Well of course! The Star Wars universe is arguably the richest universe available for one-off stories to all authors and writers. Why do you think bookstores have practically entire sections dedicated to the Star Wars novels nobody wants to read? Remember that small bit of text in the opening crawl for Star Wars? Remember the first paragraph and a half of Star Wars's opening crawl? That's what Rogue One covers. Rogue One was a gamble, and surprisingly, it came out as one of the ones Disney clearly put the most effort into. The Force Awakens, while a breath of fresh air in a room that the Prequels effectively just crop-dusted, wasn't very groundbreaking. Rogue One was, and today, we will find out way. I've said it before but I'll say it again; this is Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, a movie that teaches us that you don't have to include Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, lightsabers and even keep the mentioning of "The Force" to a minimum in order to have one great Star Wars flick.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and slaughter some
Rebels... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

About four years after the events of Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, research scientist Galen Erso (that dude from Casino Royale) and his family are in hiding on the planet Lah'mu when Imperial weapons developer Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn) arrives to press him into completing a secret Imperial project; a space station-based superweapon capable of destroying entire planets. Galen's wife, Lyra (Valene Kane), is killed in the confrontation while their daughter Jyn (Dolly Gadsdon) escapes and is rescued by rebel extremist, good ol' "LIES! DECEPTION!" himself, Saw Gerrera (Forest "I can be in Star Wars too" Whitaker). Fifteen years later (now a mere few days before the events of Star Wars), cargo pilot Bodhi Rook (Riz Ahmed) defects from the Empire, taking a holographic message recorded by Galen to Gerrera on the desert moon Jedha. Rebel Alliance intelligence officer Cassian Andor (Diego Luna) learns of the Death Star from an informant and, together with his one-liner, punchline spewing reprogrammed Imperial security droid K-2SO (voiced by "Steve the Pirate" himself, Alan Tudyk) frees the now young adult Jyn (Felicity Jones) from an Imperial labor camp at Wobani. Funny, it sounds like "Wasabi" which just makes me want spicy Oriental food. Cassian brings Jyn to the Rebel leader Mon Mothma, who convinces her to find and rescue Galen so the Alliance can learn more about the Death Star. Cassian is covertly ordered to kill Galen rather than extract him. So already, the Rebels are acting like real extremists. You ever think about that in Star Wars? The Rebel forces are anti-government extremists who use asymmetric warfare against the highly organized governmental force in the galaxy? Oh... so like Al-Qaeda? The Mujahideen? Vietcong? Did I ruin it for you yet? Alright, I'll keep going.

"Let's just remain covert." "Covert? We look like we're
trying to ask for directions to the Daft Punk show."

Jyn, Cassian, and K-2SO travel to Jedha, where the Empire is removing kyber crystals from the holy city to power the Death Star; Gerrera and his partisans are engaged in an armed insurgency against them. With the aid of blind spiritual warrior Chirrut Îmwe (Donnie Yen), the exact closest thing you'll get to a Jedi in this movie, and his mercenary friend Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen), the exact closest thing you'll get to... well... Baze Malbus... Jyn makes contact with Gerrera, who has been holding Rook captive. Gerrera shows her the message from her father, in which Galen reveals he has secretly built a vulnerability into the Death Star and directs them to retrieve the schematics from an Imperial data bank on the planet Scarif. Thus helping George Lucas's writing 1976 answer the question of "Why did the Empire build a large superweapon with such a fatal flaw still attached?" There you have it. See, while the Prequels have the tendency to retroactively fuck George, this one retroactively aided the story. Listen, learn, take notes.

On the Death Star, meanwhile, Krennic orders a low-powered test shot which destroys Jedha's capital. Jyn and her group take Rook and flee the moon, but Gerrera remains to die with the city. Grand Moff Tarkin (The digi-sacrilegiously resurrected Peter Cushing)  congratulates Krennic before using Rook's defection and security leak as a pretext to take control of the project. Rook, meanwhile, leads the group of freedom fighters to Galen's Imperial research facility on the planet Eadu, where Cassian chooses not to kill Galen even though he has a clear sniper shot on him and killing him now would do no good. Kind of a plot hole since we know the fatal flaw is already built in and Jyn already knows to go to Scarif to retrieve the plans... but eh, I guess we can let it slide. Speaking of Jyn, she makes her presence known moments before Rebel bombers attack the facility. Galen is mortally wounded by the bombers and dies in his daughter's arms, before she escapes with her group on board a stolen Imperial cargo shuttle. Krennic is summoned by Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Motherfucking Jones once again <3) to answer for the Death Star’s attack on Jedha City. Krennic seeks his support for an audience with the Emperor (Nobody, not in the movie... but if he were, probably Ian McDiarmid), but Vader instead Force-chokes him, spews a Schwarzeneggery catchphrase and orders him to ensure no further breaches occur.

"Alright, Felicity. Give us a look like you're waiting for
the Wal-Mart employee to leave before you try stealing
a DVD out of the five dollar bin."

Jyn proposes a plan to steal the Death Star schematics using the Rebel fleet but fails to gain approval from the Alliance Council, who feel victory against the Empire is now impossible. (Hold that thought, we'll come back to that). Frustrated at their inaction, Jyn's group lead a small squad of Rebel volunteers to raid the databank themselves. Arriving at Scarif on the stolen Imperial ship, which Rook dubs "Rogue One" on a fucking whim, a disguised Jyn and Cassian enter the base with K-2SO while the other Rebels attack the Imperial garrison as a diversion. The Rebel fleet learns of the raid from intercepted Imperial communications and deploys in support. So... what was the point in denying them if you're just going to act on one piece of intel that a small handful of Rebel soldiers attacking the Imperial databank facility on Scarif? Makes no sense. Mon Mothma is a lousy leader. Bring in General Dodonna, digitally resurrect that guy from the dead. Anywho, back on Scarif, K-2SO sacrifices himself so Jyn and Cassian can retrieve the data. Îmwe is killed after activating the master switch to allow communication with the Rebel fleet, and Malbus is killed in action shortly afterwards. Rook is killed by a grenade after informing the Rebel fleet that it must deactivate the shield surrounding the planet to allow the transmission of the schematics. All of these deaths have seriously the best timing, it's tragically hilarious. Inside the databank tower, Jyn and Cassian obtain the schematics, but they are ambushed by Krennic, who is eventually shot and wounded by Cassian. Jyn transmits the schematics to the Rebel command ship. The Death Star enters orbit above Scarif, where Tarkin uses another low power shot to destroy the compromised base, killing Krennic, Cassian and Jyn, along with all remaining ground Imperial and Rebel forces.

Thirty-nine years of filmmaking and we still couldn't
hit the ground if we tripped and fell.

Having the Death Star plans within their grasp, the Rebel fleet prepares to jump to hyperspace, but many of the fleet's ships are intercepted by Vader's arriving Imperial Star Destroyer. In what is now and still often considered one of the sickest, most badass visual scenes in Star Wars, Vader boards the Rebel command ship and kills many of the rebel troops in an attempt to regain the schematics, but a small star ship escapes with the plans on board. Aboard the fleeing ship, the digitally de-aged (and resurrected, I might add) Princess Leia (Digital 1977 Carrie Fisher) declares that the schematics will provide hope for the Rebellion as her ship, revealed to be the Tantive IV rebel blockade runner, blasts off into hyperspace with Vader and his Star Destroyer in hot pursuit... thus leading us into the greatest epic sci-fi fantasy film of all time, Star Wars... Cue the end credit theme...

So that's Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, and yeah... I gotta say. Even after a recent rewatch as The Rise of Skywalker was debuting, it still feels like the Star Wars movie Disney loved to make. It had all the love and affection attached to it and it pleases me to view it from time to time. I think it's very well made and the story of espionage we'd only wondered about for thirty-nine years up until 2016 when this film came out finally coming on screen greatly entertained me. Though, I do have to address that I think the digital resurrection of both Peter Cushing and Carrie Fisher was a tad too sacrilegious feeling. Yeah, it's cool that you can do it, but not even George Lucas messed around with that. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, you can just barely make out a man who appears to be Tarkin... it is in fact a man with tons of facial prosthetic makeup that makes him only resemble Peter Cushing. This film was like "Let's just dig the ol' bag of bones up". I disagree with this practice. An actor's legacy can live on, like they could have just mentioned "Oh orders came down from Tarkin", "Tarkin says this", "Tarkin says that". I don't think Peter Cushing should've been digitally brought back to life. An actor's time on screen ends, they all do, but that doesn't mean they can't carry on in spirit. It's not like I'm spiritually against it, but with me and my brain; every time Tarkin was on screen I was like "Man, I can't believe how much that isn't Peter Cushing" and it sucked me out of the scene entirely. Carrie Fisher was the same way, only not to the same degree. The entire ending on board the Rebel blockade runner when the old Star Wars music hit and the familiar imagery was playing, I was like "Oh no, oh please don't do it" and then yep; there's Leia. I was like "Son of a bitch!"

Is this a screen cap from a video game or from Rogue One?
I'll let you decide... but the answer's Rogue One.

Other than those detractors, Rogue One succeeded in making Darth Vader a menacing badass again, and James Earl Jones hasn't lost a beat at all voicing the iconic Iron Fist of the Imperial forces. As for the new characters? They were pretty good and made for an entertaining ragtag team of heroes. Jyn was Felicity Jones, who was at her Felicity Jonesiest with some of her acting... but that's fine by me. Cassian was boring, and I have zero idea why he's getting a spin-off series on Disney+, but it is what it is. Chirriut was a lot of fun, and he further helped drive the point home that you don't need a Jedi or lightsabers to enjoy a Star Wars movie. I think this movie help inspire The Mandalorian in terms of tone and practices, as that show and this movie feel very alike, despite the fact they're set on opposite sides of the original trilogy.

Give this one a watch if you're a fan of Star Wars, even casually. It's pretty great, a nostalgic, yet fresh thrill ride that takes you right into the original trilogy of films...