Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #5 - Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

They tried! Honest to God, they actually tried!

Alright so it's been a few weeks since I put a nice little neat bow on the bottom-five of the Star Wars saga... again, in my opinion. Don't wet yourselves over this. So today, I thought after taking a three post break with some Bat-ology that I still had to finish, I figured I'd rebound back to Star Wars. Think of me as a Merry-Go-Round that just watches crappy movies all day. So... when I first started this Ranking the Star Wars movies, I had to obviously include our next entry, otherwise it wouldn't be a ranking out of ten. It would be a ranking out of nine. Ten has always been the most official number in the history of our country. The FBI's "10 Most Wanted", David Letterman's "Tonight's Top 10 List", Buzzfeed's "10 Ways You Resemble Kim Kardashian's Left Testicle"; the list needed to be ten. I couldn't leave it at just the nine episodes in the weakly umbrella-titled Skywalker Saga. Besides... Rogue One: A Star Wars Story still stands in my opinion the best Star Wars film Disney has done up to this point, and arguably still the best Star Wars thing Disney has done... though don't get me wrong, The Mandalorian is practically neck and neck.

"Now that I have your attention, who ate the last Ding Dong?"
"They're unconscious, Chirriut."

Rogue One has the distinct honor of being the first theatrically released, live-action, high-budget Star Wars film that wasn't a part of the main episodic saga. What's that? Spin-off films can happen in this universe? Well of course! The Star Wars universe is arguably the richest universe available for one-off stories to all authors and writers. Why do you think bookstores have practically entire sections dedicated to the Star Wars novels nobody wants to read? Remember that small bit of text in the opening crawl for Star Wars? Remember the first paragraph and a half of Star Wars's opening crawl? That's what Rogue One covers. Rogue One was a gamble, and surprisingly, it came out as one of the ones Disney clearly put the most effort into. The Force Awakens, while a breath of fresh air in a room that the Prequels effectively just crop-dusted, wasn't very groundbreaking. Rogue One was, and today, we will find out way. I've said it before but I'll say it again; this is Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, a movie that teaches us that you don't have to include Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi, lightsabers and even keep the mentioning of "The Force" to a minimum in order to have one great Star Wars flick.

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and slaughter some
Rebels... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

About four years after the events of Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, research scientist Galen Erso (that dude from Casino Royale) and his family are in hiding on the planet Lah'mu when Imperial weapons developer Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn) arrives to press him into completing a secret Imperial project; a space station-based superweapon capable of destroying entire planets. Galen's wife, Lyra (Valene Kane), is killed in the confrontation while their daughter Jyn (Dolly Gadsdon) escapes and is rescued by rebel extremist, good ol' "LIES! DECEPTION!" himself, Saw Gerrera (Forest "I can be in Star Wars too" Whitaker). Fifteen years later (now a mere few days before the events of Star Wars), cargo pilot Bodhi Rook (Riz Ahmed) defects from the Empire, taking a holographic message recorded by Galen to Gerrera on the desert moon Jedha. Rebel Alliance intelligence officer Cassian Andor (Diego Luna) learns of the Death Star from an informant and, together with his one-liner, punchline spewing reprogrammed Imperial security droid K-2SO (voiced by "Steve the Pirate" himself, Alan Tudyk) frees the now young adult Jyn (Felicity Jones) from an Imperial labor camp at Wobani. Funny, it sounds like "Wasabi" which just makes me want spicy Oriental food. Cassian brings Jyn to the Rebel leader Mon Mothma, who convinces her to find and rescue Galen so the Alliance can learn more about the Death Star. Cassian is covertly ordered to kill Galen rather than extract him. So already, the Rebels are acting like real extremists. You ever think about that in Star Wars? The Rebel forces are anti-government extremists who use asymmetric warfare against the highly organized governmental force in the galaxy? Oh... so like Al-Qaeda? The Mujahideen? Vietcong? Did I ruin it for you yet? Alright, I'll keep going.

"Let's just remain covert." "Covert? We look like we're
trying to ask for directions to the Daft Punk show."

Jyn, Cassian, and K-2SO travel to Jedha, where the Empire is removing kyber crystals from the holy city to power the Death Star; Gerrera and his partisans are engaged in an armed insurgency against them. With the aid of blind spiritual warrior Chirrut Îmwe (Donnie Yen), the exact closest thing you'll get to a Jedi in this movie, and his mercenary friend Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen), the exact closest thing you'll get to... well... Baze Malbus... Jyn makes contact with Gerrera, who has been holding Rook captive. Gerrera shows her the message from her father, in which Galen reveals he has secretly built a vulnerability into the Death Star and directs them to retrieve the schematics from an Imperial data bank on the planet Scarif. Thus helping George Lucas's writing 1976 answer the question of "Why did the Empire build a large superweapon with such a fatal flaw still attached?" There you have it. See, while the Prequels have the tendency to retroactively fuck George, this one retroactively aided the story. Listen, learn, take notes.

On the Death Star, meanwhile, Krennic orders a low-powered test shot which destroys Jedha's capital. Jyn and her group take Rook and flee the moon, but Gerrera remains to die with the city. Grand Moff Tarkin (The digi-sacrilegiously resurrected Peter Cushing)  congratulates Krennic before using Rook's defection and security leak as a pretext to take control of the project. Rook, meanwhile, leads the group of freedom fighters to Galen's Imperial research facility on the planet Eadu, where Cassian chooses not to kill Galen even though he has a clear sniper shot on him and killing him now would do no good. Kind of a plot hole since we know the fatal flaw is already built in and Jyn already knows to go to Scarif to retrieve the plans... but eh, I guess we can let it slide. Speaking of Jyn, she makes her presence known moments before Rebel bombers attack the facility. Galen is mortally wounded by the bombers and dies in his daughter's arms, before she escapes with her group on board a stolen Imperial cargo shuttle. Krennic is summoned by Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Motherfucking Jones once again <3) to answer for the Death Star’s attack on Jedha City. Krennic seeks his support for an audience with the Emperor (Nobody, not in the movie... but if he were, probably Ian McDiarmid), but Vader instead Force-chokes him, spews a Schwarzeneggery catchphrase and orders him to ensure no further breaches occur.

"Alright, Felicity. Give us a look like you're waiting for
the Wal-Mart employee to leave before you try stealing
a DVD out of the five dollar bin."

Jyn proposes a plan to steal the Death Star schematics using the Rebel fleet but fails to gain approval from the Alliance Council, who feel victory against the Empire is now impossible. (Hold that thought, we'll come back to that). Frustrated at their inaction, Jyn's group lead a small squad of Rebel volunteers to raid the databank themselves. Arriving at Scarif on the stolen Imperial ship, which Rook dubs "Rogue One" on a fucking whim, a disguised Jyn and Cassian enter the base with K-2SO while the other Rebels attack the Imperial garrison as a diversion. The Rebel fleet learns of the raid from intercepted Imperial communications and deploys in support. So... what was the point in denying them if you're just going to act on one piece of intel that a small handful of Rebel soldiers attacking the Imperial databank facility on Scarif? Makes no sense. Mon Mothma is a lousy leader. Bring in General Dodonna, digitally resurrect that guy from the dead. Anywho, back on Scarif, K-2SO sacrifices himself so Jyn and Cassian can retrieve the data. Îmwe is killed after activating the master switch to allow communication with the Rebel fleet, and Malbus is killed in action shortly afterwards. Rook is killed by a grenade after informing the Rebel fleet that it must deactivate the shield surrounding the planet to allow the transmission of the schematics. All of these deaths have seriously the best timing, it's tragically hilarious. Inside the databank tower, Jyn and Cassian obtain the schematics, but they are ambushed by Krennic, who is eventually shot and wounded by Cassian. Jyn transmits the schematics to the Rebel command ship. The Death Star enters orbit above Scarif, where Tarkin uses another low power shot to destroy the compromised base, killing Krennic, Cassian and Jyn, along with all remaining ground Imperial and Rebel forces.

Thirty-nine years of filmmaking and we still couldn't
hit the ground if we tripped and fell.

Having the Death Star plans within their grasp, the Rebel fleet prepares to jump to hyperspace, but many of the fleet's ships are intercepted by Vader's arriving Imperial Star Destroyer. In what is now and still often considered one of the sickest, most badass visual scenes in Star Wars, Vader boards the Rebel command ship and kills many of the rebel troops in an attempt to regain the schematics, but a small star ship escapes with the plans on board. Aboard the fleeing ship, the digitally de-aged (and resurrected, I might add) Princess Leia (Digital 1977 Carrie Fisher) declares that the schematics will provide hope for the Rebellion as her ship, revealed to be the Tantive IV rebel blockade runner, blasts off into hyperspace with Vader and his Star Destroyer in hot pursuit... thus leading us into the greatest epic sci-fi fantasy film of all time, Star Wars... Cue the end credit theme...

So that's Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, and yeah... I gotta say. Even after a recent rewatch as The Rise of Skywalker was debuting, it still feels like the Star Wars movie Disney loved to make. It had all the love and affection attached to it and it pleases me to view it from time to time. I think it's very well made and the story of espionage we'd only wondered about for thirty-nine years up until 2016 when this film came out finally coming on screen greatly entertained me. Though, I do have to address that I think the digital resurrection of both Peter Cushing and Carrie Fisher was a tad too sacrilegious feeling. Yeah, it's cool that you can do it, but not even George Lucas messed around with that. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, you can just barely make out a man who appears to be Tarkin... it is in fact a man with tons of facial prosthetic makeup that makes him only resemble Peter Cushing. This film was like "Let's just dig the ol' bag of bones up". I disagree with this practice. An actor's legacy can live on, like they could have just mentioned "Oh orders came down from Tarkin", "Tarkin says this", "Tarkin says that". I don't think Peter Cushing should've been digitally brought back to life. An actor's time on screen ends, they all do, but that doesn't mean they can't carry on in spirit. It's not like I'm spiritually against it, but with me and my brain; every time Tarkin was on screen I was like "Man, I can't believe how much that isn't Peter Cushing" and it sucked me out of the scene entirely. Carrie Fisher was the same way, only not to the same degree. The entire ending on board the Rebel blockade runner when the old Star Wars music hit and the familiar imagery was playing, I was like "Oh no, oh please don't do it" and then yep; there's Leia. I was like "Son of a bitch!"

Is this a screen cap from a video game or from Rogue One?
I'll let you decide... but the answer's Rogue One.

Other than those detractors, Rogue One succeeded in making Darth Vader a menacing badass again, and James Earl Jones hasn't lost a beat at all voicing the iconic Iron Fist of the Imperial forces. As for the new characters? They were pretty good and made for an entertaining ragtag team of heroes. Jyn was Felicity Jones, who was at her Felicity Jonesiest with some of her acting... but that's fine by me. Cassian was boring, and I have zero idea why he's getting a spin-off series on Disney+, but it is what it is. Chirriut was a lot of fun, and he further helped drive the point home that you don't need a Jedi or lightsabers to enjoy a Star Wars movie. I think this movie help inspire The Mandalorian in terms of tone and practices, as that show and this movie feel very alike, despite the fact they're set on opposite sides of the original trilogy.

Give this one a watch if you're a fan of Star Wars, even casually. It's pretty great, a nostalgic, yet fresh thrill ride that takes you right into the original trilogy of films...

Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman & Robin"

I'll bet this scene went on for another hour featuring a full-length hockey match between Batman and Robin against
Freeze and his goons, but was cut for time because the idea of Batman and Robin sporting hockey blades and playing
hockey seems absolutely asinine.

It's time for the main attraction. The king of the terrible, the worst of the worst, the monumental pile of eco-unfriendly garbage to ever grace the silver screen. In fact, I'm getting wretched feelings in my stomach just thinking about it. Batman Forever was a financial success release in 1995, and naturally, a sequel was greenlit which would once again feature Kilmer's Batman tangling with overly flamboyant and aggressively laughable villains that seem to spring up out of the Garden of Eden. What do I mean by that? I have no idea. During the late '95/early '96 production window, Val Kilmer committed to a movie called The Saint, which he publicly decreed that he was more interested in performing in that movie than a Batman Forever sequel, so he was dismissed from the fourth film and returning director Joel Schumacher recast the role of Batman. Stepping into the cape and cowl for the fourth film in the series was E.R. womanizer George Clooney, who by now had just been in From Dusk 'Til Dawn and was quickly ascending to the point he would leave E.R. and start his blockbuster career. Clooney has even gone on record in stating he thought signing on to be Batman in the fourth Batman film was going to be a very good career move and was hopeful.

"George, your lines are written on here so you don't have
to memorize them."
"Thank you..."

...but trust me when I say this that the fourth film, which we all know became the universally despised Batman & Robin not only exists as one of the worst comic book movies ever made, the single worst Batman movie ever made... but also one of the worst MOVIES ever made. The art direction is Batman Forever cranked to eleven, the acting is so over-the-top it's like a high school musical cast completely with football stars and cheerleaders, neither party ever having seen a Thespian workshop, its dialogue is so hokey it makes third graders grasp their heads in anguish, it's action scenes are more callbacks to the Batman TV series of the late 1960s with Adam West and Burt Ward, its story pacing is all over the place, its tone is pretty much a gay bar on speed; it's just dumb, dumb, dumb. So how did we go from the brooding Gotham City of gothic architecture in Batman to this neon-nightclub Long Island Iced Tea Gotham City of Batman & Robin? Let's... *ugh* *heave*... sorry, almost threw up again. This is Batman & Robin, a move that teaches us kids will by into anything, movie's don't have to be good to be released, and nobody involved even has to try anymore....

Two years after defeating Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones) and the Riddler (Jim Carrey), Batman (George Clooney) and his new partner, Robin (Chris O'Donnell), come into conflict in the form of a new foe, Mr. Freeze (Arnold "I'm Firing My Agent" Schwarzenegger), who has left a string of diamond robberies in his wake. Arnold seems so out of place in this movie. It doesn't even feel like you're watching Mr. Freeze... it just feels like you're watching Arnold do a bad cosplay of Mr. Freeze, and his ice puns? Jesus butt-humpin' Christ, his ice puns. There's so many ice puns in this movie. "Freeze well", "What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!" "In this universe, there's only one absolute; everything freezes", "Can you be cold, Batman?" "Cool party", "Allow me to break the ice", "Stay cool, bird boy", "Tonight's forecast, a freeze is coming"... and those are just from memory. Get used to this nine-year-old flag football game halftime show, we're going to be here for a while.

Schwarzenegger poses with the payment he got for
doing the movie.

During a confrontation in the natural history museum, Mr. Freeze steals a bigger diamond and flees, freezing Robin and leaving Batman unable to pursue him. Later, Batman and Robin learn that Mr. Freeze was originally Dr. Victor Fries, a doctor working to develop a cure for MacGregor's syndrome to heal his terminally ill wife, Nora. After a lab accident, however, Fries was rendered unable to live at normal temperatures and forced to wear a cryogenic suit powered by diamonds in order to survive. At a Wayne Enterprises lab in Brazil, botanist Dr. Pamela Isley (Uma Thurman) is working under the deranged Dr. Jason Woodrue (John Glover... FUN FACT: The voice of the Riddler in Batman: The Animated Series), experimenting with a drug named Venom. She witnesses Woodrue use the formula to turn the violent, but diminutive, convicted serial murderer Antonio Diego (some guy) into a hulking monstrosity, who he dubs "Bane" (Professional wrestler Robert "Jeep" Swenson). Yeah, remember when Bane was a luchador prison survivor from South America who ventured to Gotham City and saw Batman as the ultimate prize to break to prove his dominance in the world, hence we got the award-winning comic series Knightfall? Or in 2012 when we got a Bane that was a global terrorist hellbent on showing Gotham it's reckoning through the detonation of a nuclear device and wiping Gotham from the face of the Earth as a salute to Ra's al Ghul? Yeah, don't expect this Bane to be anything like any of that that. This Bane is just a mindless freak of nature with near-Godlike strength but the Venom chemical renders him completely barbaric with lower-than-average I.Q.

"Reinforced steel... not good!"
God. You can practically hear this picture.

When Isley threatens to expose Woodrue's experiments, he attempts to kill her by overturning a shelf of various toxins. Despite Woodrue's efforts, Isley is resurrected, transforming into the beautiful and seductive Poison Ivy... somehow... before exacting revenge; she kills Woodrue with her poisonous kiss, and sets fire to the lab, leaving it to burn down while she escapes with Bane. She finds that Wayne Enterprises funded Woodrue, though they cut Woodrue's funding when he intended to weaponize the Venom drug, thus she appropriates Bane as a muscle-bound thug, taking him with her to Gotham City. Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth (Michael "Why am I still here?" Gough)'s niece, Barbara Wilson (Alicia Silverstone), makes a surprise visit and is invited by Bruce Wayne to stay at Wayne Manor until she goes back to school. So yeah... a ton is happening in this movie, I hope you're paying attention.

Wayne Enterprises presents a new telescope for Gotham Observatory at a press conference interrupted by Isley. She proposes a project that could help the environment, but Bruce declines her offer, which would kill millions of people... how that wasn't a fucking red flag right there is beyond me. Wayne is just like "Yeah, people are gonna die if we do this" and calmly hands the proposal back to her. Also, remember when Batman would shy away from the spotlight, stick to the shadows, strike from darkness and remain inconspicuous with his city? Well that night, a charity event is held by Wayne Enterprises with special guests, Batman and Robin, and Poison Ivy decides to use her abilities to seduce them. This results in Batman and Robin bidding on her with literally millions of dollars, all covered by Batman's... ugh... Bat credit card. A literal MasterCard with a Bat logo on it, something he says he "never leaves the cave without". *Wretch* *heave*... gosh, one of these days I'm gonna puke. Anywho, the weird homo-hetero bidding session gets interrupted when Mr. Freeze crashes the party and steals a diamond from the event. Although he is captured by Batman and detained in Arkham Asylum, he eventually escapes with the help of Poison Ivy, who killed two security guards with her kiss in the process. Meanwhile, Dick discovers that Barbara has participated in drag races to raise money for Alfred, who is dying of MacGregor's syndrome. The motorcycle chase stops the movie dead in its tracks, and is that fucking Coolio of all people I see there? I have zero idea why he's here... but apparently after perusing the internet, I found out he's supposed to be playing Jonathan Crane, the man who would one day become the Scarecrow, another Batman villain. Now, I'm all cool with that... but Jonathan Crane is supposed to be a SCIENTIST who experiments with dreams and hallucinogens, NOT AN ILLEGAL STREET BIKE RACING BOOKIE. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?!

Robin practicing for his post-crime fighting career:
Lead singer in a screamo band.

Batman and Robin begin to have relationship problems... which I get sounds a lot more, well... uh... you know what, let's just call it "bromance problems"... yeah that works. So Batman and Robin begin to have bromance problems because of Ivy's seductive ability with Robin, but Bruce eventually convinces Dick to trust him. Poison Ivy is then able to contact Robin once more; she kisses him but fails to kill him due to Robin wearing rubber lips. Robin says that the rubber lips are immune to her charms, some kind of an attempt at a James Bond line, I think. Meanwhile, Barbara discovers the Batcave, where an AI version of Alfred (Shockingly advanced for what I think is supposed to be the late 1990s) reveals he has made Barbara her own suit. Barbara dons the suit and becomes Batgirl. I'm glad Batgirl is present, but I mean that is just a dumbass clumsy way to shoehorn her into the story; "Oh no, you've discovered the Batcave! Well, good thing I thought you were going to so I have this suit made to fit for you. I know you've never fought crime in your life or have any forensics training, but here you go. Good fucking luck, my beautiful young niece."

Uma Thurman and her bodyguard visitng Harvey Weinstein's
apartment to kick the ever loving shit out of him.

Ivy captures Robin, but he gets rescued by Batman, and Batgirl arrives and subdues Ivy to get eaten by her throne plant, before revealing her identity to the pair. I don't know why she needed to; even a blind guy could tell it was Barbara. The trio decide to go after Mr. Freeze together. By the time they get to the observatory where Mr. Freeze and Bane are, Gotham is completely frozen. Batgirl and Robin are attacked by Bane, but they eventually defeat him by simply kicking apart his venom tubes, stopping the flow of venom to his body. Bane collapses before reverting to his original form and is left helpless on the ground. For a guy who was built up as that physically imposing and unstoppable, I'm surprised Batman and Robin earlier didn't just deduce to kick his tube out of his head. It is what it is, though. Meanwhile Batman and Mr. Freeze begin to fight each other, with Batman eventually getting the upper hand with a pun of his own "The heat is on". Batgirl and Robin manage to thaw the city, and Batman shows Freeze a shockingly well-recorded and edited video of Poison Ivy during her fight with Batgirl, who had informed the latter that she killed Mr. Freeze's wife. However, Batman informs Mr. Freeze that she is still alive, in cryogenic slumber before being moved to Arkham Asylum, waiting for Mr. Freeze to finish his research. Batman proceeds to ask Mr. Freeze for the cure Mr. Freeze has created for the first stage of MacGregor's Syndrome to administer to Alfred, and Mr. Freeze atones for his misunderstanding by giving him the medicine he had developed. Mr. Freeze is then detained in Arkham Asylum. Poison Ivy is also imprisoned in Arkham Asylum with a vengeful Mr. Freeze as her cellmate (due to his own cell is in the process of being modified for his laboratory needs) and he plans to make Poison Ivy's life miserable while staying for the attempted murder of his wife. After Alfred is cured, everyone agrees to let Barbara stay at Wayne Manor and fight crime with them, and that night... Batman, Robin and Batgirl run at the screen as the triumphant music plays.

I don't get it; are these guys crimefighters, a 90s musical
pop group or a co-ed sports team?

I can safely say I've reviewed a large number of movies so far in this blog, and not many of them leave me as dumbfounded, annoyed and bored as Batman & Robin. Sure, reviewing this was just like a couple of years ago when I reviewed Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (which if you're interested can be found here). In fact, the first four Batman movies have a parallel history to the first four Superman movies, it's freaky. In terms of behind-the-scenes production woes and overall critical response... although I'll argue that Batman Forever is at least more entertaining than Superman III. Still... Batman & Robin as well as Superman IV suffered for relatively the same reasons; production values. Joel Schumacher has gone on record stating that studio interference to make the movie more "toyetic" cost the movie its chances at being considered grounded. George Clooney, as it turns out, also can't play every role like he's up for an Oscar. His portrayal Batman was weird. He didn't even try to disguise his voice like the actors before him. He was just like "Hey Freeze, I'm Batman" without sounding remotely like Batman. Keaton gave his Batman a guttural rasp, Kilmer did a Keaton impression; Clooney was just like "Sup y'all" like being Batman was a one-night only thing on Halloween. Chris O'Donnell was already the whiny, angsty Dick Grayson who was inching more toward being Nightwing, even using the Nightwing logo colored red to stay as Robin.

"Thank God this is the last one for me."
"Hey, me too!" *High fives*

As for the villains? They're just as comical as Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey, only weirdly somehow containing more sexual overtones. Must've been the way Uma Thurman played Poison Ivy. Don't get me wrong... MAJOR hottie alert, and she actually counteracts Arnold Schwarzenegger's over the top goofiness quite well... even if she herself is a little out there. That weird inflection she gives herself when she talks is almost distracting, but not too bad. As for Bane? Bane sucks. His character was reduced from a crime boss from the Central Americas who came to Gotham City, built a criminal kingpin, broke all of Batman's villains out of Arkham to tire him out, then waltzed into Wayne Manor and beat the shit out of him when he was exhausted and broke his back over his knee is now just a pawn of a henchman for Poison Ivy. Swing and a miss on that one, movie.

On top of that, I can't really say anything else that hasn't been said already in the twenty-three years since this movie came out. Batman & Robin fails across the board. It's poorly made, visually distracting, laughable garbage. Straight up. It's only saving grace is that it's ironically entertaining, but you don't feel fulfilled after you watch it. It's dumb stupid dialogue from comically cheesy characters in a bright and colorful setting in a story that's so over-the-top it makes my skin crawl each time I watch clips from it. It's just hokey, mindless kids entertainment. A freakin' mid-afternoon popcorn fart on Cartoon Network. Uma Thurman and Alicia Silverstone are the only two that feel like they're trying, and while even that's debatable... the men are pretty lazy at it. Again, except for Schwarzenegger who's treating the script and the movie like it's his last chance at making a comedy and is pulling out all the cheese and glorious puns he can handle. Schwarzenegger's not a dumb guy; he's held the Governor's office in California and has turned down mega millions to star in shitty sequels just because "the timing wasn't right" or "the story sucked". So what was going through his brain acting this movie out? You know it's even bad when both George Clooney and Joel Schumacher had gone on record many times stating they apologize to fans all the time for this movie.

Skip this one at all costs. All costs. Unless you want to be lobotomized cinematically, for as we will read about in the next chapter of Bat-ology, it crippled the entire Batman film franchise for nearly a decade......

Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman Forever"

Batman's posing for Vogue, discussing his favorite foods to eat that don't stand his molded rubber bodysuit.
(Tip: Avoid mustard at all costs)

Happy Wednesday, ya bloomin' pinwheels. I'm posting a little earlier this week so that I can enjoy my holiday weekend without fear of forgetting anything. Next post should be coming at you the following Friday. The 10th, I believe. Until then, I hope this little entry of "Bat madness" keeps you entertained. Also, I wouldn't be doing my job as purveyor of facts and opinions on the web-waves if I didn't also tell you to not be an idiot this weekend. Drink responsibly and you just might keep all your fingers to show your coworkers on Monday. Now that I got the PSA aside...

That's a real bat-ass shot. *Dad joke intensifies*

Last time, on Spoiler Alert (Ball Z), I ended the discussion on the death of Tim Burton's would be third entry in his Batman ethos by asking the questions "how did the movie we got instead turn out? Were all these switching ideologies, fear of bad response, weird films with grotesque characters traumatizing children really worth completely and radically changing everything and revamping the character, his story, the appearance of the film and everything just to make more money on the matter?" Well I hope you weren't on the edge of your seat for very long because the answer is "Eh." After the movie was sent back to the drawing board and started over from scratch in early '94, gone was Michael Keaton, relegated to producer only was Tim Burton, and in the director's chair was Joel Schumacher. This is Batman Forever; a movie that teaches us that you just need radical tone, story, character, aesthetics and cinematography shifts to go from making $250 million at the box office to $330 million. Yeah... real worth it. So let's address the molded rubber man-balls in the room and talk through this somewhat loud... flamboyant light show of a Batman movie and figure out how "worth it" it really is.

In Gotham City, the crime fighter Batman (Top Gun's own "Iceman" himself, Val Kilmer) defuses a hostage situation caused by a criminal known as Two-Face (Billy D--, I mean... Tommy Lee Jones),  the alter ego of the former district attorney Harvey Dent, who is disfigured when mobster Sal Maroni threw acid on him during Maroni's conviction which Batman failed to prevent. Oh, and who I guess is white all of a sudden after being black two movies ago. Strike one for continuity. Two-Face escapes and remains at large. Edward Nygma (Jim Carrey), an eccentric researcher at Wayne Enterprises who idolizes Bruce Wayne, has developed a device that can beam television into a person's brain. Strike one for Saturday morning cartoon goofiness. Bruce offers to let Nygma come up with schematics for the device and set up a meeting with his assistant. However, after Nygma demands an answer from him immediately, Bruce rejects the invention, believing it to be too close to mind manipulation. Too close? Try the same damn thing, Bruce. After killing his supervisor and staging it as a suicide, Nygma resigns and obsessively begins sending Bruce riddles, seeking retaliation against him. You know... I once wanted to get retaliation on people a few times, but not by helping them prove that they were good at solving riddles. That was in fact probably the last thing on my mind.

These two look like the diamond is about to tell them
neither of them will win an Oscar.

Bruce, in the meantime, meets Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole "Too Hot To Be in a Batman Movie" Kidman), a psychologist who is obsessed with Batman, and invites her to come with him to a circus event. Only after she tried seducing Batman and groping his Bat-nipples. Oh, yeah... I forgot to mention; for obvious but also selectively unknown reasons... the Batsuit has nipples now. What purpose do they serve? None. Why are they there? Stop pretending, you know. After a performance from the circus performers, The Flying Graysons, Two-Face arrives and threatens to blow up the circus unless Batman comes forward and surrenders his life to him. Seems oddly aggressive, but hey, he's a comic book villain; at least he's asking before blowing up the circus. The Flying Graysons attempt to stop Two-Face, but most of them get killed as a result. Only Dick Grayson (Chris O'Donnell), the youngest member at twenty-five, survives as he climbs to the roof and throws Two-Face's bomb into a river.

PICTURED: Robin, shortly after shooting Two-Face's head
clean off with his Robin-rubber-nipples.

Bruce invites the orphaned young Grayson to stay at Wayne Manor as his ward...which is weird because Dick is twenty-five. He's legally able to rent a car, I think he'd have his life together already. I mean... I'm twenty-seven and I don't, but still. Dick, who is obviously troubled by the murder of his family, intends to kill Two-Face and avenge his family. Later in the movie when he discovers that Bruce is Batman, he demands that Bruce help him find Two-Face so that he can kill him, but Bruce refuses because "revenge won't make the pain go away". Deep stuff, man. Meanwhile, Nygma, inspired and delighted by watching Two-Face's raid at the circus, turns himself into a criminal called the Riddler and forms an alliance with Two-Face. The two steal capital in order to mass-produce Nygma's brainwave device so that Riddler can use it to steal all of Gotham's confidential information, promising Two-Face Batman's secret identity in return. Nygma founds his own company, Nygmatech, but the information overload is gradually damaging Nygma's already precarious mind, resulting in the usual over-the-top hammy acting from Carrey.

"Do you want to fight or do you want to dance and kiss me?"
"This is Batman Forever... who knows?"

At Nygma's business party, Nygma discovers Bruce's alter ego using the brainwave device. Two-Face arrives and crashes the party. He nearly kills Batman once and for all by... burying him in gravel... I don't know, but this whole fight scene is weird. Just before he suffocates, Dick manages to save him. Meanwhile, Chase has fallen in love with Bruce, which surpasses her obsession with Batman. Bruce decides to stop being Batman in order to have a normal life with Chase, and to prevent Dick from murdering Two-Face. Don't know how that'll stop him. Dick doesn't need Bruce to be Batman for him to murder Two-Face, but I guess Bruce's heart is in an okayish place. Dick runs away while Bruce and Chase have dinner together in Wayne Manor, where Bruce reveals his secret identity to her. The Riddler and Two-Face arrive and attack the Manor; in the process, the Riddler blows up the Batcave. The criminals kidnap Chase after Two-Face shoots Bruce, and the Riddler leaves him another riddle.

"Wow! Two-Face is dead! I really am the World's Greatest
Detective!"
"Great, now Detective us the hell out of here!"

Using the riddles, Bruce and his butler, Alfred (Michael Gough, one of two surviving Tim Burton veterans), deduce the Riddler's secret identity while Chase is imprisoned by the Riddler and Two-Face in their "hideout". I put "hideout" in quotes anybody with a brainstem and two eyes can guess that Riddler and Two-Face are hiding in a giant neon-green NygmaTech "TV Box". Trust me... watch the movie, you'll get it. Bruce puts on a new Batman Sonar suit to go fight them and save Chase, and surprisingly enough, Dick returns and becomes Batman's sidekick, Robin. Batman and Robin head to Riddler and Two-Face's lair, Claw Island, where they are separated. Robin encounters Two-Face and nearly kills him, but chooses to spare his life and is captured for it. While I side with Batman on the whole "vengeance is dumb" ploy, killing him would've made your problems go away. Give and take, I guess. Inside the lair, the Riddler reveals Chase and Robin bound and gagged with duct tape in containment tubes and gives Batman a chance to save only one hostage, but Batman destroys the Riddler's brainwave collecting device with a Batarang, causing the Riddler to suffer a mental breakdown. You know, like most celebrities... only instead of shaving his head and doing a shitload of cocaine, Nygma just absorbs a bunch of brainwaves until his head is the size of a watermelon. Batman, meanwhile, is able to somehow rescue both Robin and Chase. Just as the trio celebrate, Two-Face corners them and determines their fate with the flip of a coin, but Batman throws a handful of identical coins in the air ("Bat change" if you will) causing Two-Face to stumble and fall to his death, as Robin watches. That's... a way to kill of a villain, I suppose... a pretty damn silly way.

The Riddler is taken to Arkham Asylum (Ironically the first time we've seen Arkham in three movies) and imprisoned, but he claims he knows who Batman is. Chase is asked to consult on the case, but it is revealed that, due to his traumas, Nygma now lives in a delusion that he himself is Batman. Chase meets Bruce outside and tells him that his secret is safe before parting ways. Bruce resumes his crusade as Batman with Robin as his partner to protect Gotham from crime...

"No, Chase! I thought by 'feel my breasts', you wanted
me to sample some of your tasty fried chicken!"
"No! It means I want you to take me and ravish me!"
"Sorry Chase, but this isn't that kind of movie."

Let me start off by saying that this movie is a mixed bag. Most people hate it almost as much as the next one (OH FEAR NOT, we WILL get to that). Why? Well, the biggest reason is that the Batman franchise up to this point went from dark, brooding tales of gothic anti-heroes crusading in the night against deranged freaks who rise up to terrorize Gotham City to this bright, flashy, popcorn fart adventure movie where anti-heroes dress in anatomical, somewhat suggestive rubber bodysuits to fight flamboyant, goofy nimrods in tights that spew corny lines and die in pathetically hilarious or confusing ways. Don't get me wrong; taking the movie in a "commercial route" wasn't a bad idea if the aim was to simply cash-in and make more money, but this was pushing it. Now, it's not as bad as the next one (DO NOT WORRY, WE WILL GET TO THAT ONE) but even still, going from Batman Returns to Batman Forever doesn't even feel like you're watching movies from the same series. Half the time, I don't even think it takes place in the same universe. You are supposed to remember that this movie technically is a sequel to Batman and Batman Returns, but because Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher are two radically different filmmakers with stylistically yin and yang with one another, you get Batman Forever which is an aesthetically loud movie. Contrary to my gripes, I enjoy Val Kilmer as Batman, although it feels like he tried to mimic Keaton a little too hard and it just resulted in a dry performance. Chris O'Donnell actually feels like the only one who was cast perfectly as Robin. Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey both yuck it up way too hard as the villians (like "OMFG STFU" levels). This movie's so obnoxiously distracting from itself that you forget characters like Alfred and even Commissioner Gordon are there.

"I just turned down sex from the arguably the hottest woman
of the 90s and I'm smiling like a creep because of it.
I sure hope you're picking up my subliminal imagery
and messages here, moviegoers, because your ol' pal Batman
is laying it on pretty thick."

Look, if you take away the over-the-top acting by the super villains, the corny dialogue, the flamboyant scenery, the dramatic acting in the second and third acts that makes the movie feel forced, the neon colors, the freakin' pop music soundtrack, the flashy cinematography and the Bat-nipples, you'd have yourself a halfway decent Batman movie. I'm not saying this is a bad movie movie, though even then it pushes the limits. I actually will pop this one in every now and then purely out of nostalgia, but it's a pretty weird and ill-fitting Batman movie when you watch it back. Also, did I mention how much this movie makes me think of the color green? It is everywhere in this thing. Not to mention, Batman Forever also has a ton of plot holes and camera shots that really make you wonder: Like... why if there's an "Intruder Alert" in the Batcave does the Batcomputer turn on and the Batmobile rise up to make everything easier to steal? Why would the Riddler think no one would find him if he hid in a giant, rotating bright green NygmaTech box? Why does Batman think the Bat-Signal isn't a beeper when it technically is? How come the guards Two-Face uses to teach Riddler how to throw a punch just stand there and let them? Why did Two-Face think giving Batman two minutes to reveal himself at the circus or else he'd level the place with everyone, including himself, inside was a good idea? Why do I have to see Batman's ass and crotch every time he suits up? Where did all the statues of half-naked men holding up buildings come from? Why does Batman smile after getting turned down for sex from Chase Meridian? Let's not forget... that wasn't just any woman, that was Nicole Kidman. In 1995. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! (Well... we could probably take a guess, honestly).

Alright, to sum up: Batman Forever is "Stupid fun" on its best day and pretty "Meh" on its worst day, and it's all Batman Returns's fault. It's entertaining enough, but it's corny as hell, it's over-marketed, it's too bright and ridiculous to look at, and it's really, really, really flamboyant. Like... really. So much so it's become a symbol of "Gay cinema". My advice? Watch this one on its own. Don't try and follow up Batman and Returns with it; you'll just hate it more than you might already... and again, as bad as this one can feel, the next one will set the bar on what a truly awful movie is. Oh yes... it's time... stay tuned for the next Bat-ology.