Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #9 - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Welcome back. You know something that you may not know about me is my utter disdain for visiting beaches. Why, you probably ponder to yourself? Well you see... I don't like sand. It's coarse, it's rough and it's irritating... and it gets everywhere. Not like you, reader. You're everything soft... and smooth.

Are you creeped out yet? Well buckle up, because we only have another forty minutes worth of that level of verbal diarrhea to spew onto you. We only just scraped the bottom of the Star Wars intergalactic shit barrel, and now we're getting into some real crusty stuff. By 2002, people were still adamant that the Star Wars prequel trilogy, which by now consisted of only The Phantom Menace released in 1999, could be salvaged and entertaining. A lot of people still held out plenty of hope! Franchises are built on hope, at least this one is. People were sure that Episode II would be much better and more entertaining than Episode I and there would be a day where we'd have five good Star Wars movies and everyone would kind of just look back on The Phantom Menace as being the really bad one. Well... whoo boy, on top of the dragging narrative hangover this movie suffers, the dialogue is pitifully bland and weird, the characters are cartoonish mannequins... how I'm not really sure, and the few and far between action scenes we get are enteraining, sure, but not enough to really snap you back into the story and keep you invested. The love story? Well, it's pretty forced... and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I don't buy a lot of it, but hey, why sit here and tell you, when I could walk you through the plot and... well, tell you. Let's get this bullshit ball rolling! This is chapter two of the Star Wars saga, Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Now, for the sake of your reading, and the length of this turkey post... I'm going to link my nitpicks of Episode II here, so that you can read them at your leisure. If I take the time to stick them all back in here, we'll be here all bloody day! You're welcome.

Threepio gets to star in this movie as a slapstick gimmick.
Thank you for coming Anthony Daniels. Your check is
in the mail.

Ten years after the Trade Federation's invasion on Naboo, the Galactic Republic is threatened by a Separatist movement organized by former Jedi Master Count Dooku (Christopher Motherfucking Lee). Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) comes to Coruscant to vote on a motion to create an army to assist the Jedi against the threat. Narrowly avoiding an assassination attempt upon her arrival, she is placed under the protection of Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen). She proclaims that she "shouldn't have come back", but she's a senator and I don't think she really has the power to just say no. Or maybe she does... hell I don't know, I'm pretty sure Lucas was just making this shit up as he went along. It probably explains how she could go from a Queen of a planet, to a Senator representative of said planet and somehow maintain the same level of power. She was also a democratically elected Queen, so I guess Naboo's government is a "democratic monarchy"? Maybe that's a thing. Anywho, way off track, we snap back in as the two Jedi thwart a second attempt on her life and subdue the assassin, Zam Wesell (Leeanna Walsman), who is killed by her client, a bounty hunter, before she can reveal his identity. The Jedi Council instructs Obi-Wan to find the bounty hunter, while Anakin is tasked to protect Padmé and escort her back to Naboo, where he expresses his romantic feelings for her... in all the painful and awkward ways you could imagine. If there was a writing award for "best adaptation of what it's like going through puberty and trying to do something with your first boner", George Lucas would win it for years.

"Should we like... move or something?"
"Stand still, we must. Look cool, this does."

Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to some poorly-computer-generated fuck named Dexter Jettster... no that's not a typo... who leads him to some elderly bitch in the Jedi archives library that tells him he's nuts and that his planet doesn't exist... which leads to him and Master Yoda (Frank Oz) getting schooled by a toddler on the mission at hand... which finally leads him to the mysterious ocean planet of Kamino, where he discovers an army of clones being produced for the Republic in a deceased Jedi's name, with bounty hunter Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) serving as their genetic template. Who was the deceased Jedi? Sifo-Dyas. Who was he? Who cares. Obi-Wan deduces Jango to be the bounty hunter he is seeking... which at this point, anybody with a brain stem could figure out, and after a brief battle, places a homing beacon on Jango's ship, the Slave I. Oh and by the way... yes, a child Boba Fett is shoehorned into the movie just for fans to gleam over. So long, incredibly mysterious and interesting backstory. Obi-Wan then follows Jango and Boba to the planet Geonosis, which looks like a better version of Saturn.

"AROUND THE BLOG TEXT A PERIMETER CREATE."

Meanwhile, Anakin is troubled by visions of his mother, Shmi, in pain and decides to head to Tatooine with Padmé to save her, giving an utmost middle finger to his mission. His old boss, Jewish-stereotype Watto (we'll get to that) reveals that he sold Shmi to moisture farmer Cliegg Lars (Jack Thompson), who then freed and married her. Cliegg tells Anakin that she was abducted by Tusken Raiders weeks earlier and was likely dead. You never heard of Tusken Raiders acting this evil, so this is actually an interesting twist on the lore. At least... if you're like me, you didn't hear about that. Kids who spent money on one of those useless books probably already knew. Anakin ventures out and discovers Shmi at the Tusken campsite, still alive, but she dies in his arms. Enraged, Anakin massacres the tribe... which is a real "fuck me" moment. He later declares to Padmé that he will find a way to prevent the deaths of those he loves... which she somehow finds attractive because soon enough, she'll confirm her love for him. See how this doesn't make sense? Haha.

A guy who looks like Boba Fett. May not look like much,
but this image in the trailer probably sold a shitload of tickets.

Meanwhile, back on Geonosis, Obi-Wan discovers a Separatist gathering led by Count Dooku, who is developing a droid army with Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray (Silas Carson). Obi-Wan transmits his findings to the Jedi Council, but is subdued by Separatist droids. Senate Representative Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) (we will get to him, do not worry) proposes a vote to grant emergency powers to Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), where the successful outcome allows the clone army to be authorized. Aside from that, Anakin and Padmé go to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan, but are captured by Jango and taken away. You're probably wondering why the bad guys don't just kill them and be done with it? Why do they put them in a situation where they can clearly escape? Well, keep wondering those things. In the Geonosis colosseum, Dooku sentences the trio to death, but they are saved by a battalion of clone troopers led by Yoda, Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson), and other Jedi. Which is just... a terrible misuse of Jedi. So many of them die! I thought the Jedi were supposed to be smarter than that! Windu beheads Jango during the ensuing chaos. Obi-Wan and Anakin, following a pretty cool desert gun battle, intercept Dooku, and the three engage in a lightsaber battle. Easily the weakest and feelings-lacking lightsaber duel of the saga. Better than VIII though, which really didn't even have a lightsaber duel. Dooku injures Obi-Wan and severs Anakin's right arm, but Yoda intercepts and defends them. Why does Yoda duel? Fan service. He just jumps around like nuts while Dooku kind of just spins his blade around in circles. In a real dick move, Dooku uses Force powers to distract Yoda and flees to Coruscant, where he delivers information for a superweapon to his Sith master, Darth Sidious. As the Jedi acknowledge the beginning of the Clone Wars, Anakin is fitted with a robotic hand and secretly marries Padmé on Naboo with C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) as witnesses. That's right... it's like getting married and listing your toaster and your oven as witnesses. That's it, bam. Music swells. End credits.

Love in Star Wars. Creepy and weird in other films.

So that was basically, that was Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones. It's pretty dull. It's the middle of the prequels, which are the second group of movies produced for the saga. The prequels, as a whole, are often regarded as the worst movies in the saga, but thanks to the sequels that have come since, that has been tossed up in the air for debate. Me? It certainly is more entertaining than Star Wars: The Last Jedi, that's for sure... but that's not saying much. That's like saying a can of Diet Pepsi is more entertaining than a library card... like neither of which are entertaining the slightest, but at least the Diet Pepsi can has more to read on it. Ewan McGregor strained his back carrying the movie... did I make that joke already? Well who cares, I'll make it again. Natalie Portman tries desperately to save the movie herself with her acting, but the dud that falls flat is Hayden Christensen. Like... if he is good at playing a horny teenager, that doesn't change the fact that it's an outright uncomfortable performance to watch. I mean, there are scenes where he's tolerable, but then there are scenes where he's so dry and so emotionless that you wonder if he's even really there. He gawks at Padme like a creep, he plays grabass with his respect to Obi-Wan, he blames his problems on others, and he basically suffers from A.D.D. as in one scene he talks about four different conversation topics in two minutes. It's an overwhelmingly awful performance, but upon rewatching the film recently, it doesn't really detract from the movie too much... but it is painful to sit through in some scenes.

Hang in there, Ewan. Only one more movie you have to
help carry.

I don't know, it's just a boring, awkward movie. It's very, very cartoony, as this is the film where the CGI was really starting to get out of control. I mean like... nearly everything in this movie is at least ninety percent digitally animated. There's not one clone trooper in this movie that's a flesh and blood actor, they're all digitally created people. So many shots for this movie were just completed in front of green screens and people who weren't even in the same room with one another are no bouncing movie lines off one another on screen. It's crazy because not even a whole lot happens, except lots of talking about politics and misguided boner feelings. You can tell these movies felt like they came off an assembly line, like they were all basically two hour toy advertisements, as every battle, planet, or even discussion scene had to show off something new. This is where the heyday of Star Wars fandom came in for me when I was growing up, but this movie also had an absurd amount of tie-in games, many of which were good, many of which are forgettable. It's just a weird, cartoonish, child-like entry in the Star Wars saga. A symbol of a bizarre place in motion picture history.

For more of my nitpicks and gripes about the filmmaking and the lore, in greater detail, check out the link I put above leading you to the "Nitpick Express" post I did nearly three years ago (Jesus H. Christ, time sure moves fast). Check in soon for when we unravel the boringest thing in the history of boring things...

Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies: #10 - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Pee-yousa. Something is rotten in the state of Skywalker Ranch. Oh whoops, never mind. George Lucas sold it. Also, I'm sorry. It's too early for Jar Jar jokes. Here we are, officially kicking off the "Ranking of the Star Wars movies" countdown, right here on Spoiler Alert! This is my ranking of the Star Wars movies. That's right, mine. Which makes the opinion mine, which means if you don't like it and think I'm an idiot, go piss up a rope. Hmm... perhaps that was too aggressive. Apologies: I'll dial it back. *Ahem* "Go politely drop your trousers and urinate in an upward flexing motion so that you rinse a hanging cord made by twisting together strands of natural fibers, such as hemp or artificial fibers such as "polypropylene" (God I hope I spelled that right) to demonstrate how little I value the time it would take for you to try and convince me I'm wrong about Star Wars.

Simon says "Carry the movie"

So, for a short introduction to those who don't know me or haven't gone back to the infantile days of this blog: Star Wars has shaped my love of filmmaking like very few films ever have, and it's quite honestly the biggest pop culture phenomenon of all time. So much so that it's still going strong even after forty years and it was all I talked about early on. Like... all I talked about. This franchise will never die. You thought Disney bringing it back and making one movie a year was going to rub it in your face? Well... it will, but at least they're rethinking their strategies a little so that we don't suffocate in all the excess of Star Wars. Lookin' at you, Marvel. Well I suppose it's time to get in the pool, even though this one makes it more like a cesspool. What was the line in Full Metal Jacket? "It's a big shit sandwich, and we're all gonna have to take a bite."

In the midst of the Disney sequel trilogy, kicked off in 2015 by Star Wars: The Force Awakens and boy we'll get to that one, the follow-up was geared and ready for a December 2017 release. J.J. Abrams, co-writer and director of The Force Awakens, had written treatments for where he wanted sequel saga to go, understanding full-well he would not be the director of the next two movies. Or so we thought... hardy har har. His treatments were promptly looked at, used to wipe the asses of Disney executives, and tossed in the executive lounge's shiniest golden garbage can. In walks a dorky looking goof named Rian Johnson. Don't know who Rian Johnson is? Well it's alright, I don't either. He had made Looper by this point and that was literally it. Since his entry into Star Wars, he's directed a movie called Knives Out, which I've actually heard is pretty good. So maybe he isn't such a dipshit after all, because Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the eighth episode of this saga and the second of the Disney trilogy sucks frogs legs through a sewer line. It sucks eggs through a vacuum cleaner. It sucks the second coat of paint off of your '95 Honda. I didn't think any of the prequels could be topped, but boy oh boy, Rian; you made one long-winded, slow-moving, confusing, over-blown weaponized bitch slap of a Star Wars movie. This is Star Wars: The Last Jedi, a movie that teaches us that even though a movie can be a sequel, it doesn't have to behave like one. How bad is it? Well, the Klingon bad guy in Star Trek V said it best: "Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior's mettle". Take that how you want.

I guess when he winked, I should've known no cool duel
was going to take place.

The movie opens up after a clunkily worded opening crawl, shortly after the destruction of First Order's Starkiller Base, General Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) leads the evacuation of Resistance forces from D'Qar, when a First Order fleet arrives. Turns out the First Order didn't really need Starkiller Base because they still have Dreadnought class ships on standby even they overwhelm and overtake the Resistance. Can't understand why these morons are such a problem for the evildoers. Against Leia's orders, Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) leads a costly counterattack that destroys a First Order Dreadnought. The remaining Resistance escapes into hyperspace, but the First Order uses a device to track them, and attacks again. Turns out hyperspace is useless now, too. Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) hesitates to fire on the lead Resistance ship after sensing his mother Leia's presence on board, but his wingmen destroy the bridge, killing most of the Resistance's leaders... including Admiral Ackbar. Rian Johnson had serious balls to kill off Admiral Ackbar. Leia is dragged into space, but survives by using the power of Mary Poppins. How did she survive in space? I believe Mary Poppins herself could sum it up: "I never explain anything". So while Leia recuperates from the whatever-just-happened-to-her, Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo (Laura Dern) assumes command of the Resistance. Running low on fuel, the remaining fleet is pursued by the First Order... and get used to this, because it's the overlapping arc of the entire movie... and somehow it isn't even the dullest arc of the movie. I mean Jeee-eee-ee-eee-eee-sus.

*Laughs in meme*

By now, you're probably wondering where your OP Mary Sue lead character is! Well, while all this slowness is happening, Rey (Daisy Ridley) travels to Ahch-To (Gesundheit) with Chewbacca (Some tall guy) and R2-D2 aboard the Millennium Falcon, and attempts to recruit Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) to the Resistance. Under self-imposed exile, Luke refuses to help and says that the Jedi should end, but encouraged by R2-D2, he trains Rey in the ways of the Force. Three lessons, to be exact. Three lessons and she's a pro and good to go? Well I guess I'll have to live with that, she did best Ren, a supposedly well-trained Sith Lord at the end of the last movie while she herself had little to no training, so I guess I'll roll with it. Speaking of Rey and Kylo Ren's awkward "are they siblings or are they lovers" arc, the two of them begin communicating through the Force, which puzzles them both... and us too. After Kylo tells Rey what happened between him and Luke that caused him to choose the dark side, Luke confesses that he momentarily contemplated killing Kylo upon sensing that Snoke (Andy Serkis) was corrupting him; this prompted Kylo to destroy Luke's new Jedi Order. Convinced that Kylo can be redeemed... despite murdering fellow children and trying to also murder Luke for a crime Luke didn't even commit, Rey leaves Ahch-To. Luke prepares to burn the Jedi library, but hesitates. The spirit of Luke's master Yoda (Frank Oz) appears and destroys the library by summoning a bolt of lightning, even as a Force ghost and encourages Luke to learn from his failure. This is something you'll have to get used to with the sequels. They play grabass with the Force a lot. The Force can keep a person alive in space and, even if you're dead, you can conjure lightning, set a tree and a bunch of old books on fire, and laugh about it. God I missed asshole puppet Yoda.

In the dullest of the arcs (arguably, anyway. Not much competition), Poe entrusts Finn (John Boyega), mechanic Rose Tico (Kelly Marie Tran), and everybody's favorite Wilson volleyball BB-8 with a secret mission to deactivate the First Order's tracking device so they can escape through hyperspace and not be tracked. A shoehorned cameo by Maz Kanata (Lupita Nyong'o) along with like... four lines from C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) directs them to the casino town of Canto Bight, where they meet the hacker DJ (Benicio Del Toro... for some reason). Pursued by the First Order, they escape the city with the help of stablehand children and racing animals they set free... after some bloated speech from Rose about why the people on Canto Bight are assholes for selling weapons to the First Order. She hammers stupid opinions into our heads worse than some schmuck with a blog... wait, ignore that. *Ahem* Finn, Rose, and DJ infiltrate Snoke’s flagship, but are captured by everybody's favorite throwaway action figure, Captain Phasma (Gwendoline Christie). Remember Captain Phasma? Meanwhile, Kylo brings Rey to Snoke, who reveals that he created the connection between her and Kylo as part of a plan to defeat Luke. Which is a lameass plan. How would that help them defeat Luke? Bring him out of hiding to fight Snoke with Rey mono e mono? Yeah, you wish. If you guessed "hide on his planet and Force project himself to death as nothing more than a distraction", you're right! Thanks for playing. Man, say what you want about Harry Potter and how much of a fucking idiot Voldemort is with all of his retarded plans, but Palp...er... I mean "Snoke" (dodged a spoiler there, *whew*) isn't any smarter. The worst thing about Star Wars is that it's one long narrative told by too many different people that couldn't come together on what the overarching story should have been. Wait, yes they did. George Lucas had a story, then everybody decided it wasn't good enough all because he couldn't write... or direct actors... hang on, I'm getting ahead of myself, let's back up a few steps.

TOTALLY NOT "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK". Nothing to see here.

Elsewhere, Holdo plans to evacuate the remaining members of the Resistance using small transport vessels. Believing her plan to be cowardly and futile, Poe leads a mutiny. Leia recovers and stuns Poe with a blaster, allowing the evacuation to proceed. Holdo remains aboard the ship as a decoy to mislead Snoke's fleet as the others flee to an abandoned base on Crait. What is Crait? It's Hoth in a bargain bin. DJ buys his freedom by revealing the Resistance's plan to General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson), and the First Order fleet begins firing on the evacuation transports, destroying many. You know... if you've watched The Rise of Skywalker by now, you'd know why this is such a hilarious turn of events. Especially since this doesn't take place too long before that one. Rejoining another stage adaptation of "Star Wars's Greatest Hits", Kylo is ordered to kill Rey, but instead kills Snoke and defeats his Praetorian Guard with her help. There's your surprise twist. Hope it made sense. Rey hopes that Kylo has abandoned the dark side, but he instead asks her to rule the galaxy with him. Is the dark side of the Force even a thing? Kylo can save Rey and kill a bunch of bad guys while claiming to still be evil, while Luke Skywalker can kill a bunch of guards and blow up Jabba the Hutt and still claim to be good. The sides of the Force don't make any sense if they can just claim a side regardless. Well, anybody with a brain stem could tell she'd refuse, so she battles him for control of Luke’s lightsaber, bisecting the weapon. If you've seen The Rise of Skywalker, you'd know why this too is such a hilarious turn of events. Meanwhile, Holdo sacrifices herself by slicing through Snoke's flagship at lightspeed, crippling the First Order fleet. I'll admit, that was a pretty cool scene. Meanwhile, Rey escapes the destruction while Kylo declares himself Supreme Leader of the Worst Order. BB-8 frees Finn and Rose; they defeat Phasma and join the survivors on Crait. When the First Order arrives, Poe, Finn, and Rose attack with obsolete speeders.. totally not re-enacting The Empire Strikes Back. Don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy. Stop making stuff up. Look its different, because Rey's here! Poe too! It's not derivative! Rey and Chewbacca draw TIE fighters away in the Falcon, while Rose stops Finn from sacrificing himself... in a hilarious move that could have surely killed them both when she crashed into his ship and sent them both rolling along the surface.

"Finn, do you want to get blah blah blah"
"Of course, Rose! We need the blah blah so
we can the yaddi-yadda!"

Just when you thought all hope seems lost, Luke appears and confronts the First Order, allowing the surviving Resistance to escape. Is he going to have a badass duel with Kylo and settle the score? Are we going to finally see Luke kick some ass in this movie? Ha, get real. Kylo orders the First Order's forces to fire on Luke, but they fail to harm him. Shit, Luke's enabled the God mode cheat. He then engages Luke in a lightsaber duel, if you can even call it that. Upon striking Luke, Kylo realizes that Luke is not physically present, but projecting his image to Crait through the Force. Yet another Force power they just willy-nilly made up or pulled from those books I didn't care to read. Rey helps the remaining Resistance escape on the Falcon. An exhausted Luke dies peacefully on Ahch-To, becoming one with the Force. Rey and Leia sense his death, and Leia tells Rey that the Resistance can rise again... Music rises. Music plays. Written & Directed by Rian Johnson.

Oh wait no, I forgot about the silly trailer for Rian Johnson's trilogy that won't happen that's at the end of the movie. At Canto Bight, the stablehands recount the story of Luke Skywalker; afterward, one of them moves a broom with the Force and gazes into space... then the credits hit.

Come on, Kylo. Treat me as you would your father.

So that was Star Wars: The Last Jedi. It's pushy, it's purposefully annoying, and it really is one sluggish bowel movement. You're on the toilet, clenching, pushing; begging for something... and then when it's done... you don't have anything to show for it. That's what this movie is. One failed, constipated trip to the can. Every scene hints at a possible something, but it either just doesn't pay off or pays off in a hilarious way. I mean... why did Rose think Finn wouldn't die if she just crashed into him to save his life? Why would Snoke be built up as somebody but just to be shamelessly killed off. Yes, we know now but I'm talking at the time. It's like somebody handed you half a worksheet in school to fill out the other half, and you just crumpled it up, tossed it, then told the teacher you needed a new one. I really wanted to see Luke Skywalker kick some ass in this movie, harkening back to his days in Return of the Jedi, but every time he had a chance, he didn't. He would rather just mope on a tropical planet and eek toward death. Don't give me the "Oh Mark Hamill's too old to move like that". If Lucas can digitally slap Christopher Lee's head on some young guy's body all shittily with a computer, this movie can do it too.

"What's up, Puppet pal Mitch?"

There's just so many problems I have with this movie's story... but it's so hard to nail down because I've only seen it twice. I haven't even bothered to rewatch it, I just can't sit through it. Yes, if you followed me on Snapchat, I even skipped it and went straight to IX. I knew the rumors; I knew IX retconned the shit out of this one. There's so many things in this one that just don't matter anymore, because half of the movie is treading water anyway. So many things happen, then are twisted, only to happen anyway. Like Luke burning down the tree... only to get stopped by Yoda... only for Yoda to do what Luke was going to do anyway. Rian Johnson wanted to subvert fan expectations, but what he didn't understand about Star Wars fans is that our expectations were already rock-bottom. While I enjoyed The Force Awakens, many found it too derivative to have any hope for the other two, and I can see where they're all coming from. To sum it up before I keep rambling, this one I can do without. The story doesn't go anywhere for at least ninety minutes, Luke Skywalker is laughably misused, Rey is at her Reyest with her boring personality, good looks and kind of lame presence as the supposed "be-all, end-all" hero that will bring the nine part saga to a definitive close, Kylo Ren carries the fucking movie on his back, Poe's arc is riveting enough about being a hothead, Finn and Rose practically put me in a coma, the movie ended about thirty minutes after it should have, the awkward pacing is clunkier than an old Volkswagen, and literally ever LINE of FORCED COMEDY fell flat for me. Slapstick comedy and Star Wars go together like peanut butter and carpet.

Now I'm all riled up. At least I got this one out of the way, but that's not saying much about the watchability of the next one... ugh. Stay tuned.