A Re-Review of "Rob Zombie's Halloween"

You know, back when this blog first started and I used to drone on and on about Star Wars to the point where even I got tired of it, I always thought that was going to be the backbone of my blog. Now that I've gone on to talk about other movies and try to develop more of a commercial taste, re-treading old water kind of seems like a weak idea. But something came up on my YouTube recommended videos. The opening scene from Rob Zombie's touchy-feely-gory-nudity laiden remake of a slasher masterpiece... a "slasherpiece" if you will... 2007's revamp of Halloween. Watching this profanity laiden, over-the-top, cartoony, overblown, weaponized bitch-slap of a dialogue exchange between just downright horrible characters today made me cringe. Not because it was gross, but because it was just so goddamn ridiculous. It's weird to think, in 2007 I was hyped-as-hell to see this movie. I was such a fan of John Carpenter's Halloween that I was so excited to see it in theaters. Well I did and I loved it. I thought it was sweet to have my own version of Halloween to watch every October season. Now when I watch it, it annoys the piss out of me. So much has changed in the twelve years (holy balls) that this movie has been out, including my own tastes. I thought all this schlock exploitation garbage was the coolest. Now I just think it's way too over-the-top and tries way to hard too hammer its points home.

This got me thinking. Perhaps I was wrong. I think I'm turning into the grouchy 'get off my lawn' guy, you know? You'd know if you've been following since 2017 that it was then that I ranked the Halloween movies in my own personal order of preference throughout that October. I put this one at number five, but perhaps now in retrospect that may have been too generous. I did admit in my review of Halloween from 2018 that it has been bumped down to six, but even that now feels overly nice of me. So I'm going to go back, review it, and give a more updated review with my more present-day take. I recently gave it a rewatch and it's just... so 'meh' now. I'm not saying it's bad, per se, but... eh let's just go over it.

Oh crap. Where did I leave my phone?

It's Halloween in Haddonfield, Illinois, and having already exhibited signs of psychopathic tendencies, ten-year-old Michael Myers (Daeg Faerch) murders the boy from Spy Kids, his older sister Judith (Little girl Jenny from Forrest Gump), her boyfriend Steve (who cares), and his mother's abusive boyfriend Ronnie (William Forsythe). Only his baby sister, Angel Myers, is spared. You don't find out her Myers name until the abysmal sequel, but we'll get to that one again too. After one of the longest trials in the state's history, which you're spared from because otherwise this movie would be three hours of absolute madness, Michael is found guilty of first-degree murder and sent to Smith's Grove Sanitarium under the care of child psychologist Dr. Samuel Loomis (Malcolm McDowell). Michael initially cooperates with Loomis, claiming no memory of the killings; his mother Deborah (Sheri Moon Zombie), visits him regularly... without a white horse which, again, gets brought up in the sequel, but again, I'm getting ahead of myself. Over the following year, Michael becomes dissociative, fixating on papier-mâché masks and withdraws from everyone around him, even Deborah. When Michael kills a nurse as Deborah is leaving from one of her visits, she is unable to handle the situation and commits suicide.

So that's all the Zombie stuff. I've mentioned before. This movie is basically two half-movies thrown together, both directed by Zombie, but only one was his brain-child. The first half of the movie starts off as a complete wreck. Like... the dialogue is garbage, and I know garbage dialogue: I write it all the time in personal projects. There's a line in the opening 'debate' shall we call it where Ronnie is threatening to "choke his chicken and purge his snorkel all over someone's flappy-ass tits"... why he couldn't just say "I'm going to blow a load on her chest" is beyond me. Then he talks about how Judith, his girlfriend Deborah's teenage daughter, has a nice ass to Deborah's face... and literally tries to defend himself from complimenting his girlfriend's underage daughter's buttocks, again, to his girlfriend's face and gets mad when she gets mad. We get that Zombie's trying to show us what a scumbag loser he is but this is really pushing it. In fact, that goes for everybody in the opening. All of this over-the-top bullshittery is just overreaching at trying to hammer in details as to why Michael Myers turns evil and eventually grows up into a serial killer... but do we really care? Michael was scarier as just some schmo we didn't know who went absolutely insane at a young age and later in life just stalks and murders random babysitters. You didn't know anything about him, you just knew he was 'pure evil' and that he couldn't be stopped by mortal means. This "broken home" Michael is far too sympathetic to really be scared of, even when he's an oversized tank of an adult. Speaking of which, let's get to that.

The new Jay and Silent Bob reboot looks sick

The second half the movie starts as soon as Deborah kermits sewer slide. This is where Zombie stopped making his own garbage-dumpster-fire exploitation movie and started re-making John Carpenter's Halloween. Fifteen years after Deborah redecorated the wall behind her with a gun and her head, Michael continues making masks and not speaking to anyone. We can see he's been fed a diet of basically steak and steroids because now he's the size of your common-everyday highway billboard. Loomis, having continued to treat Michael over the years, has been instructed to move on and closes Michael's case. "Treat" is a drastic overreach if you ask me. In fifteen years, Michael really didn't do anything differently then what he was doing when he was a kid... so Loomis really is kind of a slacker. Later, Michael escapes from Smith's Grove. Depending on which version of the film you watch: The Theatrical Version has him just break out during an attempted prisoner transport, but the Director's Cut goes full Zombie mode and has Michael once again become sympathetic by stopping two dickhead characters from raping a female inmate. Well, he takes his sweet time and lets her be raped for a while before he decides to jump in and help. The Theatrical Version is better, in my opinion. The Director's Cut escape I can do without. Michael later kills trucker Joe Grizzly for his clothes and makes his way back to Haddonfield. On Halloween, Michael arrives at his now-abandoned childhood home, where he recovers the kitchen knife and Halloween mask he stored under the floorboards the night he killed his sister, her boyfriend and his dickbag father-uncle-guy.

Three characters, about one brain... all Laurie's

Meanwhile, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton) and her friends Annie Brackett (Danielle Harris) and Lynda Van Der Klok (Kristina Klebe) prepare for Halloween. Throughout the day, Laurie witnesses Michael watching her from a distance. Later that night, Laurie goes over to babysit Tommy Doyle (Skyler Gisondo). Meanwhile, Lynda meets up with her boyfriend Bob Simms at Michael's abandoned home. After a hilarious re-imagining of the infamous ghost-glasses kill (which in this version wasn't even scary, it just seemed out of place) Michael appears, murders them, and then heads to the Strode home, where he murders Laurie's parents. Why? Who knows. Dr. Loomis, having been alerted of Michael's escape, arrives in Haddonfield looking for Michael. After obtaining a handgun on a same-day purchase (take that Liberals), Loomis attempts to warn Sheriff Lee Brackett (Brad Dourif) that Michael has returned to Haddonfield. Loomis and Brackett head to the Strode home, with Brackett explaining along the way that Laurie is really Michael's baby sister Angel, having been adopted by the Strodes following their mother's suicide. I did like Zombie's reveal of Laurie being Michael's sister better than the original version, which was just something that everybody but Loomis knew for fifteen years. The reveal in the original didn't make any sense. This one it feels more organic, and it adds to the tenseness and terror of Laurie's predicament and the night falling apart, and in a weird way it gives Michael motive... but again, Michael didn't need any motive, but his behavior, brutality, and actions actually feel out of love in a bizarre way, which is a twisted notion in its own right. The original Halloween didn't even bother with this connection, it was Halloween II's fault for that... or as John Carpenter put it... the fault of lack of interest and a six pack of Budweiser every day while writing... and as a result, that was far more half-assed thrown together like "Remember all that stuff that happened earlier in the night, oh by the way, Michael is Laurie's sister. Sorry Loomis, everybody knew about it, but we just didn't tell you". Damn.

Spy Kids: Game Over indee-- d'ah crap
I already made that joke.

Just because I gave that props, though, don't get excited. The night continues! Annie convinces Laurie to babysit Lindsey Wallace (Jenny Cregg Stewart) so that she can meet with her boyfriend Paul. Annie and Paul return to the Wallace home and have sex, count it the third sex scene of our movie and the fifth and sixth characters we've seen nude... so just in case the point isn't clear... this movie is rated-R; Anywho, I'm getting off topic. Michael kills Paul and attacks Annie. Bringing Lindsey home, Laurie finds Annie on the floor, badly injured but still alive, and calls 9-1-1. Michael attacks Laurie and chases her back to the Doyle home. Loomis and Brackett hear the 9-1-1 call over the radio and head toward the Wallace residence. Michael kidnaps Laurie and takes her back to their old home. There she finds Lynda's naked body in front of the grave stone of Judith Myers. Michael tries to show Laurie that she is his sister, presenting a picture of them with their mother. Unable to understand... because Michael in this touching moment still chooses to remain a mute for some reason. Seriously this whole time, I was like JUST SAY IT. Laurie fakes compassion before she stabs Michael before escaping the house; Michael chases after her, but Loomis arrives and shoots him three times. Recovering, Michael recaptures Laurie and heads back to the house. Loomis again intervenes, but Michael crushes his skull. Laurie takes Loomis' gun and runs upstairs, but Michael corners her on a balcony and charges her head-on, knocking both of them over the railing. Laurie awakens on top of an unconscious Michael, and shoots him in the head just as he awakens. Laurie begins screaming hysterically as police sirens are heard approaching... and the movie just decides to stop there.

The I.Q. of a beer bottle and the mouth of a six-year-old
that just discovered all of the cuss words

Sigh... so yeah, I rewatched this movie this season and it just didn't do it for me like it did when I was in high school. I guess I was just giddy at being fourteen and watching such a mental mind-fuck of an R-Rated movie. I used to watch it just like the others every Halloween, but I find myself popping this one in less and less. However, don't let make you think my opinions on the other shithouse sequels are improving. I assure you this is not the case. My point is that I gave this one sort of too high of props last time and it needed to be addressed. The same reasons I hate lots of things about this movie are the ones why I hate House of 1000 Corpses. I don't know how he smartened up enough to make The Devil's Rejects, which still remains my favorite Rob Zombie movie, but you can tell since this and H2 that Rob Zombie's movie career has gone down hill, resorting to releasing subpar gorefests for D-Level studios under the radar every few years. I haven't even bothered to watch them. The Lords of Salem, 31 and now there's a third installment in the House/Rejects trilogy 3 From Hell. Hopefully it'll be in the same vain as Rejects but I won't hold my breath.

Oh it's the missing member of SlipKnot... Orange-y.

Halloween 2007, upon further viewing, doesn't do it for me anymore. It's kills sacrifice scare tactics for brutality, its characters are awkward mishmashes of energetic and chilling to obnoxious dillholes that won't shut up. The first half characters are contemptable, unnaturally-speaking sociopaths that just bore and weird the shit out of me, but that's not saying much about the second-half; they're all just carbon-copies put in the movie solely to fill the spots they were meant to. I guess that means the story pays homage to the '78 original enough but then it adds a bunch of 1970s grindhouse elements that don't mix well. Zombie's cinematography in the beginning is fun, sure, with some energetic angles and wide-lens shots, but the second-half kind of feels rushed and half-assed like he just didn't care anymore. Some of the story choices even make plot holes. Like why is Michael granted the right to use metal silverware in the Sanitarium despite being convicted of first-degree murder? Shouldn't inmates be relegated to using plastic cutlery?

It's alright, the sheriff only sounds like Chucky.

Look, who cares. I'm not trying to shit on this movie for everybody, just me. If you're a gore fan, then perhaps this movie succeeded on some level for you, and there are some cool scenes in it. For some reason, despite my earlier gripe, the scene where Michael kills the nurse in the sanitarium and all you hear is the alarm as things fall apart, that's a pretty cool scene. Also the Danny Trejo character was easily the coolest, most down to Earth person in the entire movie... and Michael kills him. That just goes to show that there's no escape whether you're a great character or a colossal shit sandwich.

If you're in it for deep chills and compelling scares, you'll probably be pretty bored. If you're here for nudity... well I won't get into that psychological debate. I just prefer my Halloween films to be much simpler. The less explained about Michael, the better. He was the child of a white-collar, suburban family that went deranged because he was simply "pure evil". Giving him all this backstory demystified him and made it too straightforward. Like, of course the child of some trailer-trash family who gets bullied at home and at school is going to one day snap and kill people. With the original, it unnerved you because you wouldn't see it coming. It just explained way too much. Halloween's 2007 remake I can ultimately do without. I suppose we can swap it with H2O in my personal preference list from a couple years back... because at least that movie had Jamie Lee Curtis and was more of an homage to the original than this one. Take it as you like it.