I Like Bad Movies: A Review of "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle"

I've been wanting to do a review like this for a long time. Basically speaking, I'm kind of a film snob. Almost to the point that it's off-putting. Well maybe I'm at that point, I have no idea. The only thing I know is that there are bad movies and there are good movies. There are movies perceived by the public to be monumental blockbuster cornerstones and then there are movies that the public singles out as common household tripe not worth the overpriced admission ticket to get you into the movie theater in the first place. I'm here to start two new different series' on this blog: "I Like Bad Movies", which will take a look at commonly-perceived awful movies that I actually love, but also on the opposite side of things, "I Hate Good Movies", which will take a look at commonly worshiped movies that I just can't stand. I hope these both will take off and we will have lots of fun with each other... I don't know why, but that was worded poorly. I'm sorry. Ignoring that bout of verbal diarrhea, let's get rolling. I'll give you one of each to kick both series' off. So first up, let's do "I Like Bad Movies" and take a look at what many consider to be a CGI-adapted abomination of a beloved 60's cartoon: 2000's The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle: A movie that teaches us it's okay to come off like a steaming pile of garbage if your humor is so-next level that nobody else gets it.

No kidding; even parodies Taxi Driver in this movie.

For those of you uncultured enough not to know, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends was the blanket title for an American animated television series that originally aired from November 1959 to June 1964 on the ABC and NBC television networks. That's right, you couldn't even fit this show's run inside of JFK's presidential term. Rocky and Bullwinkle was known for quality writing and wry humor. Mixing puns, cultural and topical satire, and self-referential humor, it appealed to adults as well as children. The art had a very choppy, unpolished and downright unholy look and the animation was extremely limited, even by television animation standards at the time. Somehow, against the odds, the series had long been held in high esteem by those who have seen it; some critics described the series as a well-written radio program with pictures... which is a very "old timey" description if you ask me. They probably got the inventor of radio to describe it as that. There have been numerous feature film adaptations of the series' various segments, including the Brendan Fraser cinematic shit-fest Dudley Do Right, which I'm sure we'll get to shit on some day, and of course, our main event. So let's get this avalanche of awful rolling downhill, shall we?

Randy Quaid tries to get a Canadian moose
to help him get out of the country (c. 2012)

Thirty-five years following their show's cancellation in 1964, Rocket J. "Rocky" Squirrel (June Foray) and Bullwinkle J. Moose (Keith Scott) have been living off the finances of their reruns on TV. That's basically how Matthew Perry lives after the cancellation of F*R*I*E*N*D*S and I dare you to prove me wrong. Their home, Frostbite Falls, has been destroyed by deforestation, Rocky has lost his ability to fly and the show's unseen Narrator now lives with his mother, spending his time narrating his own mundane life... already this movie's level of comedy is getting cheesy. Meanwhile, their archenemies Fearless Leader (Robert "I'm firing my fucking agent" De Niro, Boris Badenov (Jason "I did this for the money" Alexander) and Natasha Fatale (Rene "This will surely kill my career" Russo) have lost power in Pottsylvania following the end of the Cold War. What was Pottsylvania? Basically every 1950s/60s dicatorship America had beef with rolled into one. Boom. However, the three escape to a real-world Hollywood film studio, where they trick executive Minnie Mogul (Yes, the real Janeane Garofalo) into signing a contract giving her rights to the show, transforming the villains from their two-dimensional cel-animated forms into live-action characters.

Six months later, in Washington D.C., a warm-hearted and beautiful FBI agent Karen Sympathy (Piper Perabo) and her superior, Cappy von Trapment (Randy Quaid... before the drama), inform President Signoff that Fearless Leader intends to make himself President of the United States by brainwashing television viewers using his own cable television network named "RBTV" ("Really Bad Television"), which airs mind-numbing programming designed to zombify the public and persuade them to elect him as president. No doubt a 1960s-style cheapshot at mTV. Subltle. Anywho,  Karen is sent to a special lighthouse to bring Rocky and Bullwinkle to the real world by literally greenlighting a film starring the pair... Ugh, I wish I was making that up. She succeeds, with The Narrator being brought along as well but never being physically seen. I guess he just... hides behind the camera? Sure, let's roll with that.

This could arguably either a high-point or a low-point
in each actor's career

Fearless Leader is informed that Rocky and Bullwinkle have returned and sends Boris and Natasha to destroy them. The two spies are given a weapon called the CDI ("Computer Degenerating Imagery"), which removes cartoon characters from the real world by sending them to the Internet. "Where all worthless cyber chumps end up". That line resonates with the youth of today. Karen steals the villains' truck, but is subsequently arrested by an Oklahoma state trooper... a very "John Goodman" looking Oklahoma state trooper... *cough*. Natasha and Boris in-turn steal a helicopter to pursue Rocky and Bullwinkle, who are picked up and given a ride by Martin (Kel Mitchell) and Lewis (Kenan Thompson), two students at Bullwinkle's old university, Wossamotta U. This movie couldn't get anymore cheesy and 90s if it tried. Kenan & Kel show up and just carbon-date the absolute shit out of it. As Bullwinkle receives an honorary "Mooster's Degree" and addresses the student body, Boris attempts to kill him with the CDI from a water tower. Rocky recovers his lost ability to fly and saves the oblivious Bullwinkle.

Martin and Lewis lend the two their car, which Bullwinkle drives to Chicago. Boris and Natasha once again attempt to kill the two, but instead accidentally use the CDI to digitally-delete their helicopter. Oh my goodness, that's pretty good. Meanwhile, Karen escapes prison with the help from a love-struck Swedish guard named Ole (Rod Biermann). Karen, Rocky and Bullwinkle are reunited, but are quickly arrested for various misdemeanors that they have committed during their journey. The three are put on trial, where Bullwinkle inadvertently sabotages their case by cross-examining Karen as the prosecutor, not the defense attorney. However, the presiding Judge Cameo (Whooping "Fuck, they got me too" Goldberg) dismisses their case upon recognizing Rocky and Bullwinkle, stating to the district attorney (Jeff "I wish this was a roast" Ross) that celebrities are above the law. Some real-world smack talk there. I'll bet the writers had Nick Nolte's mugshot on their minds writing that dialogue.


The three obtain a biplane from a man named Old Jeb (played by the same guy who played the helicopter pilot Boris and Natasha stole the helicopter from... because reasons) and evade Boris and Natasha once again. The duo consider quitting their evil occupations and getting married, but are interrupted by a call from Fearless Leader. Afraid to admit they have failed, they lie and tell him they have killed Rocky and Bullwinkle. Fearless Leader initiates his plan, brainwashing the entire country. Meanwhile, the plane is unable to carry the weight of all three aboard. Rocky flies Karen to New York City to stop Fearless Leader, even with one last shot of the World Trade Center before 9/11... which I have no joke for... but is captured. Meanwhile, Bullwinkle accidentally flies the plane to Washington, D.C., confusing it for New York, and crashes on the White House lawn. Surprisingly not getting shot down in the process. To get Bullwinkle to New York in time to stop Fearless Leader, Cappy scans Bullwinkle into the White House's computer and emails him to RBTV's headquarters, where he interrupts the broadcast and save Karen and Rocky. Sure... that works, I won't fight it. The heroes convince the American public to vote for whomever they want, as well as replant Frostbite Falls' trees. Bullwinkle accidentally activates the CDI and zaps Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader, reverting them back to their two-dimensional animated cartoon forms and banishing them to the Internet once and for all. Where they ironically can be found still today! *Laughs* In the aftermath, RBTV is changed from "Really Bad Television" to "Rocky and Bullwinkle Television". Bullwinkle, even takes a stab at himself and asks "What's the difference?" Karen and Ole start dating, and Rocky, Bullwinkle and The Narrator return home to a rejuvenated Frostbite Falls for the next adventure...

...only there was no next adventure because The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle bombed harder than Baghdad. For some reason, so many people hated this movie and thought it was just a cheap, unfunny cash-in on Rocky and Bullwinkle's leftover marquee value. But I love it. If anything, it's an accurate portrayal of the type of comedy the old TV show was known for. The characters of oddly simplistic and self-explanatory names that fit their personalities and behaviors, Bullwinkle's comically dull, the movie cannot resist and in-fact thrives on the use of puns, fourth-wall and self deprecating humor, and some how... some way... as GOD as witness... they got major stars to appear in the movie to boost it's credibility. Somehow, Robert De Niro not only agree to be in the movie, but was also apparently method acting as Fearless Leader the whole time on set. That is either some serious dedication to one's craft for a cartoon character... or he just snapped and needed a movie to just cash-in and think about his next career move. Jason Alexander was no stranger to that, in fact admitting many times he solely did the movie for the money. 

I love this movie. A lot of people hate it, but I enjoy it. It's my cup of tea. Check-in later and we'll go over a movie everybody else loves that I just would rather blow my brains out before watching... alright maybe not that extreme, but still.