A Review of "The Room" (2/3)

It's time to dig into The Room! This is going to be a lengthy review because I'm about to tear into this turd and rip it to pieces... much like everyone who's ever watched over the past sixteen years has done. If you want to read up on my introduction to the review as well as some background information on the turmoil-ridden production of the film, you can read part one here. If you've already read Part One because you're a diligent follower of mine, then let's get started! Saddle up, this is going to take some time.

After our opening logo that looks like something you'd rig up in two minutes on Windows Movie Maker and a mid-90s Flash Animation Engine, we cut to actually quite promising piano music complete with shots of San Francisco. A lot of shots of San Francisco. If anything, it starts to feel less like a movie and more like one of those videos you get in the mail telling you to move to San Francisco. Well, during all these shots and this peaceful music, we see a man who looks like Fabio if somebody just let the air out of him board a cable car and ride down the street. Along the way, credits reveal the cast and crew, and one name you'll see time and time again is "Tommy Wiseau", a man of relatively unknown Mideastern origins who you come to realize has a lot to do with this movie. He's the top-billed actor, an executive producer, a producer, the writer and the director. The amount of involvement really sets the tone for one of two possible outcomes: either this movie is going to be a touching personal story that will tug at your heart strings or it's going to be something else entirely. Well, don't worry... it's something else entirely, and something else even more entirely. As the opening credits end, we see our main character Johnny enter his house and right as he starts talking, the movie crashes. Hard. Right into a brick fucking wall. That slurred "HI BAYBE" sets the tone for the rest of the hilarity that's about to ensue. QUICK. TO PLOTLINE #1.

Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart, a hand to hold onto!

PLOTLINE #1: Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) is a successful banker who lives in a San Francisco townhouse with his fiancée Lisa (Juliette Danielle), who has become dissatisfied with their relationship. She seduces his best friend, Mark (Greg Sestero), and the two begin a secret affair. Meanwhile, Johnny, having overheard Lisa confess her infidelity to her mother, Claudette (Carolyn Minnott), attaches a tape recorder to their phone in an attempt to identify her lover.

So Denny (Philip Haldiman) decides to visit Johnny and Lisa while they're flirting with each other. Johnny just bought Lisa a new red dress out of the blue and she tries it on. So a kid barges in to see them and then Johnny's just all like "Nice to see you, Denny" and then turns to Lisa and is all like "I'm going to take a nap". I'm not kidding. Denny just shows up and Johnny's like 'hi whatever, fuck you, I'm going to bed'. Lisa is just like "Denny I'm going to join him" and then the two walk upstairs to bump uglies while Denny just indiscriminately starts eating an apple. This wouldn't be so weird until Denny just decides to pop in during their foreplay and join in on the pillow fighting. What in the fuck is happening? Then Denny says "I just like to watch you guys", sending unending tidal waves of uncomfortable right into the room. To talk him out of a potentially weird situation, Johnny says "Denny two's great, but three's a crowd" and Denny agrees to leave. Thank Goodness, too. Who wouldn't want to watch three fucking bizarre characters we've known for five minutes partake in a three-way. It's definitely a blessing, because what we get in return is awkward slow-motion sex between Johnny and Lisa that's fucking awful. It takes them forever to even undress. Lisa puts her hair down, only to put it up again. Then Johnny starts grinding on her belly button, because I guess that's how Johnny had sex in whatever-European-country he came from.

Greg Sestero no doubt scolding Tommy Wiseau for
not cutting his scenes like he promised.

So ten minutes in. We've had bad accents, dry acting, clunky dialogue and an awkward sex scene. God bless this movie. Johnny then wakes up from his alarm (set mysteriously at "6:28 AM" for whatever reason) and then shows us his ass as he walks away. This movie just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Oh, but if you think that's funny, this is even better. TO PLOTLINE #2!

PLOTLINE #2: Claudette, Lisa's mother, visits Lisa very often in the film, discusses useless shit, including the fact she has breast cancer, that Lisa doesn't love Johnny anymore and that "it's not right Lisa". She also is revolutionary in the practice of 'micro visits', quick, successive visits and many at that.

Claudette, Lisa's mother keeps coming over. She comes over again and again throughout this movie and they talk about the same thing. The first meeting has Lisa telling Claudette that "she doesn't love Johnny anymore" "because he's so boring". Please, a man who makes love to women's navels couldn't be boring in the least bit. Claudette keeps saying "He bought you all these things and you want to dump him" and Lisa's just like "You're right about that". So... I guess that's the end of that. Also, she humorously tells Lisa she has to go two minutes after she got there. So then Lisa just calls Mark, Johnny's best friend, and demands she listen to her whining. So they make a plan and Mark comes over and Lisa ends up seducing him for... more slow-motion awkward sex. On a stairwell, of all places. "The candles, the music, the sexy dress", when literally none of the three are present in the scene. My GOD this movie is balls. Awful, awful stuff, man. Can't say it isn't enjoyable though. In fact, you want enjoyable? There's even a humorous exchange after this where Johnny visits a florist shop to buy roses for Lisa and has about a thirty-second conversation & transaction with the store owner. I'm not kidding, it's "hi, hello, I want roses, okay you can have them, hi doggy, bye" and then he's gone. I've never had any sale anywhere go that fast. Plus, the clerk didn't even know it was Johnny until after he got right in her face. "Oh hi, Johnny, I didn't know it was you." Like... how? You didn't recognize Johnny? He's got a pretty unique look.

Tommy Wiseau doing his best impression of a
wildebeest stubbing it's toe.

So then Johnny comes home and is pretty bummed and YET ANOTHER crazy exchange takes place. Probably number fifteen on our list by this point. Lisa asks Johnny if he gets his promotion, he says "Nah" and then she goes "You didn't get it did you?" What part of "nah" did you not understand, Lisa? Then Johnny rambles on and on about how he saves his bank money and they're using him and he's the fool. I don't know what's being accomplished in this scene or why. Lisa then pours Johnny a drink of "scotch and... vodka" and the two make love again. We've hit three sex scenes in half an hour. This movie is setting records in all the wrong places and it's only downhill from here, I assure you. The pop song in this one is even shittier than the pop song in the first one. See? Downhill. After that, Lisa's mom comes over for yet another pointless visit. She tells Lisa that she has "breast cancer", but Lisa is just complacent and immediately glances over it. I'm really glad Lisa's great at taking bad news so nicely. Then Lisa tells Claudette that "Johnny got drunk and hit me last night", to which Claudette responds with "Johnny doesn't drink", immediately glancing over the fact that Lisa just said Johnny hit her. What the fuck is happening? Seriously, am I being pranked? Because I don't do jokes that well. Before we get carried away (even though we already are), to PLOTLINE #3!

PLOTLINE #3: Random People in this movie barge in-and-out of the apartment and have sex in it for no reason, no purpose and no ultimate meaning on the end of the plot of the movie at all, period. Oh, and one man showed Claudette his "Underwears" like an awkward chode.

Tommy laughing at the 17 Oscars and 43 Golden Globes
this movie won't even come close to winning....

Just then, two nameless friends of Lisa enter their apartment when nobody is home and just decide to seduce each other by eating chocolate and having sex. Lisa and her mother then show up after they're done and wonder why everyone just barges in repeatedly without knocking, something the viewer of this anus is questioning at the same time. Who knows? Maybe the film is self-aware. Then Claudette and Lisa discuss the same shit they've been discussing since the start of the movie, only this time they discuss that Johnny wanted to adopt Denny and is paying Denny's way through college. Claudette then jumps back to "Not hurting Johnny" even though "Lisa doesn't love him anymore". Claudette then bails again in record time and leaves. I feel like I'm watching this movie's worst clips on a continuous loop.

Whew, I think that's enough for this one. Check in for Part Three where I attempt to wrap up this mess...