Coming Soon: Ranking the "Star Wars" Movies

It's finally happening, isn't it? Oh boy, I knew I can smell disappointment in the air. Well, another Star Wars release has come and gone, and quite frankly, I can't believe something so-hyped that became so loathed like the Star Wars sequel trilogy produced by Disney is actually all said and done with. It seems like such a short while ago that I was anticipating the long-awaited follow-up to Return of the Jedi no more than two weeks before it's release.

If you've been following me for this long, and Lord knows if you're reading this far, you probably have, you know this blog built its backbone on the discussion of Star Wars filmmaking. The first Star Wars film, appropriately called Star Wars but also referred to as "Episode IV" or "A New Hope" just so nobody looks at you cock-eyed when you say it, was released in 1977. Created, written and directed by George Lucas, It redefined how summer blockbusters are made. The score, the special effects, the editing? All masterfully done. The acting and story-telling? Ehhhhh… wishy washy, but with just the first film? It introduced such a rich and expansive universe and paved the way for a franchise that would awe and inspire for years to come. 1980 brought us the first sequel, The Empire Strikes Back. Also called "Episode V", The Empire Strikes Back surpassed the original and raised the bar even higher; keeping the awe at the height of the success but raising the story-telling and believe it or not, even the acting was improved upon. Everybody brought their A-game and we were given what I consider (as a lowly '93 birth) to be one of the kick-off points of 1980s pop culture. The original trilogy concluded in 1983 with the follow-up, Return of the Jedi... Episode VI in the saga and number three in this trilogy. It continued to showcase Star Wars-style entertainment, but lacked the foreboding and emotional backbone of Empire. Still, it capped off the story of Luke Skywalker with the Rebel Alliance triumphing over the Galactic Empire and Luke's father, Anakin, redeeming himself in the Force... Believe it or not, people actually that this trilogy was it. Even though throughout the rest of the 80s and the end of the Indiana Jones trilogy in 1989, George kept proclaiming he had two more trilogies planned and that Star Wars was not done.

...then the mid-90s came, and George began planning the releases of his next Star Wars trilogy. The summers of '97 and '98 became the summers of immense hype as the public eagerly anticipated the release of the first new Star Wars movie in sixteen years, and the first chapter not only in the next trilogy, but of the entire saga itself. That's right; this movie was going to be a prequel, as would the two movies that followed it. Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released in 1999 and it was... something. It still carried much of the awe and feeling of Star Wars and was hyped by one hell of a teaser trailer, but the film divided moviegoers with its boring narrative, its awkward and clunky dialogue, and it's ham-handed acting... and its lore and storytelling choices. 2002's followed up Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones, while getting closer to the original trilogy's look by showing what looked like Stormtroopers, what looked like Boba Fett, and a teenage Anakin Skywalker with the teaser giving the sounds of Darth Vader breathing, it divided fans even further. Some praised its "bounce back" narrative following Episode I while others were distracted by rape-face Skywalker and George practically playing grabass with the CGI. Star Wars - Episode III: Revenge of the Sith wrapped the prequels in a big way in 2005. It carried much of the bad acting and cartoonish effects found in the prequels thus far, but also managed to have dramatic themes and one of the finest performances by Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, ultimately sticking the landing for the entire trilogy.

After Episode III, George claimed the saga was done and that Return of the Jedi would remain the definitive ending of the story of Anakin Skywalker and his redemption. However, rumors began brewing in 2011 that George may be yet working on his final trilogy, his "sequel" trilogy, and that all members of the original trilogy's cast would be involved to some extent. In the Fall of 2012, Lucasfilm Ltd. was sold to the Walt Disney Company for $4 billion US, and Bob Iger immediately (and I do mean immediately) announced "Star Wars Episode 7", promising it will be in theaters in 2015. News which shook the internet. With J.J. at the helm, Star Wars (Episode VII) The Force Awakens came out during the holiday season of 2015, and it too shook and divided fans. Some called it a miraculous return to form, while others called it derivative and a shameless safe-bet cash-in. No-name director Rian Johnson had the next chapter in his hands. Star Wars (Episode VIII): The Last Jedi was released two years later in 2017, and it was a pile of ass, both narratively and with the decisions made with key characters, namely Luke Skywalker. The sequel trilogy started out promising with VII but then when all kinds of wrong directions with VIII. With poor storytelling decisions derailing the story of the trilogy and no way to wrap it all up in one movie, Star Wars (Episode IX): The Rise of Skywalker was released literally a week ago writing this, and it... was something. A rushed conclusion? Yes. A good movie? Arguably, yes. It was a mixed bag for sure, and it left me with a funny feeling in the theater.

So now that the final chapter of the Skywalker Saga has been released, Star Wars can officially be ranked by me. That's right... another Top Ten from yours truly. You probably already know my ranking, as I've told many people, and that's alright. Still, I feel like this will perfect fit into my style of blogging and return "Spoiler Alert!" back to form. A sort of 'walk down memory lane', so to speak. Talking Star Wars, ripping on Star Wars, saluting Star Wars, trashing Star Wars, praising Star Wars; it's all coming up. I'll rank the nine Skywalker movies... and the spin-off film Rogue One, just to make it an even ten. I plan on kicking of 2020 with a bang! Let's do this!

Fuck Solo though. Didn't see it. Wasn't interested. Not even worth mentioning....

Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman Returns"

"I'm here to kill Jokers and hunt Penguins... and I'm all out of Jokers."

So Batman was pretty sick. It was the quintessential blockbuster movie, comic book movie, crime movie, mobster movie and action movie all rolled into one. "Crime" and "mobster" could probably be considered the same thing, but eh. So naturally, a sequel had to be developed and shoved into theaters in a reputable time frame to continue scoring on the Bat-fame. Hey, Batman had usurped Christopher Reeve's Superman films, which I had noted previous had been spiraling downhill in quality throughout the 80s, out of movie theater scene. Batman had also overtaken Superman in popularity in comic book sales. (Thank you, Superman IV, you unapologetic piece of shit).

The only thing that can fix me is a good spray tan.

After Batman, Tim Burton went on and directed Edward Scissorhands. You might've heard about it. This little... well "bizarre" is the nicest way I can put it... movie about a guy, cuts on his face and wacky hair, with scissors as his hands... and that's it, just about a guy with scissors for hands. I never understood the hype and love for Edward Scissorhands, and I just assumed this was Tim Burton getting free Hollywood playtime to direct whatever he wanted. The only problem is that it was a hit too, so when Warner Bros. contacted Tim Burton about returning to direct a sequel to Batman, they promised him total creative freedom as well, and booooy I still can't tell if Batman Returns is more a comic book Batman movie or just another fucked up Tim Burton movie. It has Batman elements in it, but it still has that strange Tim Burton "presence" to it, including a recycled "sad misfit" story for the Penguin. Let's put it on and figure this out.

I wonder who vacuum seals Selina into her Catwoman
outfit every night before she goes out to fight.

In the prologue, socialites Tucker (Paul "Pee-wee Herman" Reubens) and Esther Cobblepot (Diane Salinger) give birth to a deformed baby boy, Oswald. Disgusted by his appearance and wild demeanor, they confine the baby to a cage and ultimately throw him into the sewer, where he is discovered by a family of penguins at Gotham Zoo. Give this sequence credit, it still replicated a true Batman main title sequence with the Danny Elfman theme returning, so that helps make it feel at home. Thirty-three years later, millionaire Max Shreck (Christopher mothafuckin' Walken) proposes to build a power plant to supply Gotham City with energy, though he is opposed by the city mayor. During Shreck's speech, Gotham is attacked by a disgraced former circus troupe, the Red Triangle Gang. Despite the efforts of Batman (Michael Keaton) to stop the violence, Shreck is abducted and taken to the sewer, where he meets Oswald Cobblepot (Danny DeVito), the gang's secret leader now known as the Penguin. The Penguin blackmails Shreck with evidence of his corporate crimes into helping him return to the surface, and he accepts. So yeah, the Penguin isn't this mobster with a pointed nose that resembles a penguin, he's this deformed bird man who lives in the sewer with a pointed nose, flipper hands, long hair and pale skin. CAN WE HIT IT HOME ANY HARDER, AMERICA? Meanwhile, Shreck's secretary, Selina Kyle (Michelle Pfeiffer), discovers the true purpose of Shreck's power plant to drain Gotham of its energy and bring the city under Shreck's control by holding its power needs to ransom. Following a chilling and tense exchange, complete with a fake-out, Shreck pushes her out of a window to silence her, but she survives the fall and vows revenge, taking up the mantle of Catwoman. After cats gnaw on her fingers... so I guess the nine-lives of a cat are transferred via finger-chewing. Not really sure about the science on that one, but hey, I'll give it a shot.

"Tim, we need to do this scene again.
I gotta have more hairspray!"

The Penguin makes his presence known by "rescuing" the Mayor's baby from a staged kidnapping attempt, and requests to be allowed into the Hall of Records to find his parents. Batman's alter-ego, Bruce Wayne, voices his suspicions about the Penguin's true motives, and investigates his background and connection to the Red Triangle Gang. During a meeting with Shreck, Wayne meets Kyle and the two become attracted to one another. In order to remove his enemies, Shreck pushes for the Penguin to run for mayor and discredit the current mayor by having the Red Triangle Gang wreak havoc on the city. Batman intervenes, during a pretty great fight, and meets Catwoman as she attempts to sabotage one of Shreck's businesses; she escapes, but is injured and swears revenge on Batman by allying with the Penguin to frame him for an undiscussed crime. I don't know why revenge on Batman is necessary, when Catwoman could just keep sabotaging Shreck's businesses whether or not Batman shows up.

"Wow, Batman. You dance just like Bruce Wayne!"

As Batman and Catwoman fight and feud in the streets, Wayne and Kyle begin a romantic relationship, and the Penguin abducts Gotham's Ice Princess and kills her, framing Batman for the act, at the same time sabotaging his Batmobile to rampage throughout Gotham (until Batman disconnects the controlling device). I must say, the rampaging Batmobile, all while Batman is subjected to Danny DeVito's hilarious one-liners while he's controlling the Batmobile and crashing into things, is probably my favorite scene in the movie. I just love it every time I watch it. The Penguin also abruptly ends his partnership with Catwoman, who didn't anticipate the murder of the Ice Princess, when she rejects his advances; he attempts to kill her with one of his flying umbrellas, but she survives after falling into a greenhouse. Hey I don't blame her, cats are supposed to eat birds, not have sex with them. Compliments to Burton and his team for getting the science right on that one. So much for that partnership! During the Batmobile rampage, Batman secretly records the Penguin's disparaging remarks about the people of Gotham and later plays them during his next speech, destroying his image and forcing him to retreat to the sewer, where he reveals his plan to abduct and kill all of Gotham's firstborn sons as revenge for what his parents did to him. Now may I say; this is kind of a story one-eighty. Oswald was perfectly fine letting the crime of his parents tossing him into the sewer go as long as he became mayor, but when Batman sabotaged him and ruined his image, he just immediately switched back to this homicidal deformed freak that decided to commit a cruel and inhuman crime. Really made this movie go from eerie and kind of fun to just downright gothic and unpleasant. Some like it, some don't.

"Wow, Bruce! You dance just like Batman!"

At a charity ball hosted by Shreck, Wayne and Kyle meet and discover each other's secret identities. The Penguin quite literally explodes onto the scene and reveals his plan, intending to take Shreck's son, Chip (Andrew Bryniarski) with him, but Shreck gives himself up in his son's stead, showing a human side for the first time throughout this movie. After Bruce overhears the Penguin explaining his plan to the crowd, he runs off and later Batman foils the kidnappings and heads for the Penguin's lair. In another memorable scene, The Penguin gives a speech to his army of penguins, claiming that the Liberation of Gotham has begun. The Penguin attempts to have his army of penguins bomb the city and kill everyone, though Batman and his butler, Alfred, jam the signal and order the penguins to head back to the sewer. Batman arrives and confronts the Penguin. In the ensuing fight, the Penguin falls through a window into the sewer's toxic water. Shreck escapes but is confronted by Catwoman, who intends to kill him. Batman pleads for Kyle to stop, unmasking himself in the process. Shreck draws a gun and shoots Wayne, and then shoots Kyle multiple times, but she survives and electrocutes herself and Shreck with a stun gun, causing a massive explosion. Wayne, who was wearing body armour, finds Shreck's corpse but Kyle is nowhere to be found. The Penguin emerges from the water, but eventually dies from his injuries and from the toxic sewage, and his penguin family lay his body to rest in the water. In the aftermath, as Alfred drives him home, Wayne sees Kyle's silhouette in an alley but only finds her cat, who he decides to take home with him. The Bat-Signal appears in the sky as Catwoman, who survived, watches on...

"Penguin, why are you choking me and why are you kinda hard?!"
"Don't you kink-shame me, Batman!"

So, I actually like Batman Returns, but I gotta say... it isn't as good as Batman. A lot of people like it, too. Hell it's my brother Caleb's favorite out of all of the Batman movies, including the first one. It's got Michael Keaton returning for his second and final portrayal of the caped crusader, and he's just as awesome as ever, but he takes a backseat in his own movie to the villains. Batman Returns is fun-ish, but it's moreso extremely edgy and weird, pushing the boundaries of a family comic book action film into the depths of a psychological thriller, more-so. It's bizarre scenery and side characters are both very Tim Burton-y, and there were some dark, dark story choices... including having the Penguin plot to kidnap and drown (you know, murder) the first born children of Gotham. While I love this movie, that is a little twisted to depict the plotting of. He even pantomimes in a scene how he's going to lure the children over to the poisonous lagoon before he kills them. I can see why parents were outraged at the violence and morbid subject matter with the movie, and Happy Meals even pulled their tie-in campaign with the film. Production personnel even tell stories of going to the movie and when the lights come up, children were crying as their parents were trying to console them. Pretty messed up.

As for the villains, there isn't any question that Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer, as well as Christopher Walken, steal the show together. They steal it a little too hard, as Batman is almost a side-character in every scene or sometimes, not even at all. He's kind of just there half the time, watching the other villains tear themselves apart through betrayals. He does foil a couple of the Penguin's plans, so it's not like he's entirely useless, but hey, you can tell Tim Burton likes telling the story of the sad misfit trying to find his place in a world that doesn't want him... this movie is very much in vain of Edward Scissorhands.

So for Batman Returns, I say it's a decent follow-up to Batman. It was the last for Tim Burton, last for Michael Keaton, and the last of the really good Batman movies of the nineties. I still like it a bunch, but it certainly is not without it's flaws.

Bat-ology: A Review of "Batman" (1989)

I could shoot Joker more affectively if I could TURN MY FREAKIN' HEAD.

You're probably thinking to yourself "Cody... please stop talking about Tim Burton's Batman. This is the third blog post you have dedicated to it. We get it... Michael Keaton is a great Batman and a great Bruce Wayne, and his performance holds up by today's standards and has even inspired almost everybody that has come along since him. We get it... Jack Nicholson's epic portrayal of Jack Napier and the Joker is a cinematic cornerstone that shaped the way comic book villains are portrayed, despite the fact he was just playing Jack Nicholson dressed like a brightly-tinted gangster in clownface. We get it... Michael Gough's gentlemanly portrayal of Alfred is even legendary despite the fact he's just a side character. We get it... the gothic atmosphere by Tim Burton and architecture by production designer Anton Furst create an awe-inspiring, somehow-chilling and absolutely captivating setting to place a Batman story that many comics, video games and even movies would follow. We get it... Danny Elfman's iconic score including "The Batman Theme" has shaped what we feel when we hear the music and it gives Batman more of a commanding presence than he's ever had before or arguably even since. We get it. Now stop talking about it. Please. For the good of your soul, man."

Well too bad, because I'm going to. This is Batman.

As soon as I massacre Gotham City,
I'm going to McDonald's!

After at triumphant main-title march, we start off... oddly enough... in Gotham City. As the City approaches its bicentennial, Mayor Borg (Lee Wallace) orders district attorney Harvey Dent (Billy Dee Williams) and police Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) to make the city safer. What an intrepid order! Why didn't we think of that before? It's only the city's leading district attorney and top police official. What the hell else were they doing? Meanwhile, reporter Alexander Knox (Robert Wuhl) and photojournalist Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger) begin to investigate rumors of a vigilante nicknamed "Batman" who is targeting the city's criminals. Batman's alter-ego is Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton), a billionaire industrialist who, as a child, witnessed his parents' murder at the hands of a psychotic mugger. At a fundraiser for the bicentennial in Wayne Manor, Bruce meets and falls for Vale, and the two begin a romantic relationship. Off to a weird start, though, because initially he doesn't tell her he's Bruce Wayne... but then informs Robert Wuhl in front of her that he is Bruce Wayne... I guess he lies often but people don't care because he's looooooaded. Anywho, there are Bat-jinks to get into as the evening is cut short when Bruce is alerted to Commissioner Gordon's sudden departure by his butler Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) due to police business and leaves to investigate as Batman.

That's one great painting... I mean, city.

Mob boss Carl Grissom (Jack Palance), who is targeted by Dent and Gordon, discovers his mistress Alicia (Jerry Hall) is having an affair with his second-in-command, Jack Napier (Jack Nicholson). With the help of corrupt police lieutenant Eckhardt (William Hootkins... "Porkins" from Star Wars), Grissom engineers Napier's death in a raid at Axis Chemicals. However, Grissom's plan is foiled with the sudden arrival of Commissioner Gordon, who wants Napier captured alive. Batman arrives, dispatches a few thugs and witnesses Napier, who has realized he was set up, kill Eckhardt. The entire raid on Axis Chemicals is a pretty great scene. Some legendary Batman work here. In the ensuring struggle, Napier's cheeks are sliced up by a shot from his own gun and stumbles off a ledge. Batman attempts to save Jack, but instead accidentally drops him into a vat of chemicals. Batman escapes and Napier is presumed dead. The way the scene plays out, it looks like Batman intentionally lets go after recognizing him... but we'll get to that.

Napier emerges from the vat, but is left disfigured with chalk white skin, emerald green hair, and a rictus grin from the severed nerves in his face. The sociopathic Napier is driven insane by the incident and begins calling himself "the Joker". He kills Grissom and usurps authority over his criminal empire, and scars Alicia's face to equal his disfigurement. You'd think this would make her Harley Quinn... but it doesn't. Harley wouldn't get invented until years later. Sorry, women-of-the-internet-who-idolize-Harley-and-no-one-else. Anywho, the Joker terrorizes Gotham City by lacing hygiene products with "Smylex", a deadly chemical which causes victims to die laughing with the same maniacal grin as the Joker. How does Jack know so much about chemistry? Well there's a brief mention as Bruce orders police records on Napier and reads them out loud... which I guess billionaire recluses just have access to police records, but okay. As Joker searches for information on Batman (whom he blames for his disfigurement), he also becomes obsessed with Vale. Even though he already has a bride that he's scarred to make like him... but eh. He lures her to the Gotham Museum of Art and his henchmen destroy the works of art. In another brilliantly crafted scene, Batman arrives and rescues her. They escape in the Batmobile, Batman's badass car, pursued by the Joker's men. Batman takes Vicki to the Batcave, where he gives her information from his research on Smylex that will allow the city's residents to avoid exposure to the toxin.

FUN FACT: The 1989 Batmobile was built on the
chassis of a Chevrolet Impala. Why did you need to
know that? I don't know.

After prodding from Alfred, Bruce visits Vicki at her apartment, prepared to tell her about his alter-ego. The Joker interrupts their meeting, asking Bruce, "You ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?" before shooting him. Bruce uses a bended serving tray as body armor and plays dead... which is a stretch to say the least. Unless there's something I'm missing, I'm not sure that could stop a bullet. He remembers that the mugger who killed his parents asked the same question, and realizes that Napier was his parents' killer, in probably one of the movie's most angering twists to comic book fans. Oh hey... speaking of angering twists annoyed by comic book fans, Vicki is brought to the Batcave by Bruce's butler, Alfred, who has been coaxing their relationship because Vicki brings out Bruce's human side. Thanks Alfred, your flight back to England and termination papers are on your nightstand. After telling her that he cannot focus on their relationship with the Joker terrorizing Gotham, Bruce departs as Batman to destroy the Axis plant, ending the Smylex production.

Betcha Ben Affleck wishes his plane looked like this.

 In the movie's thrilling climax, the Joker lures the citizens of Gotham to a parade with the promise of free money, but while throwing cash at the crowd as promised, also attacks them with Smylex gas released from his giant parade balloons. The comic book adaptation of this movie explains that it is fake money with his face on the front, alluding to earlier when he tells Vicki he just wants "his face on the one-dollar bill". Batman arrives and tows the balloons above the clouds with the Batwing, in one awesome sequence. I'm not kidding; the music and pacing of this scene are truly masterful. It all ends when the Joker shoots the Batwing using a long-barreled gun, causing it to crash, and takes Vicki to the top of a cathedral. In a scene obviously heavily inspired by a little production, you might've heard of it, called THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, Batman, who survived the crash, ascends to the top of this dark, gothic cathedral belltower and fends off the Joker's remaining men, and confronts the Joker. The two fight, with Joker eventually gaining the upper hand, leaving Batman and Vicki clinging onto an outcropping. The Joker tries to escape by helicopter, but Batman attaches a heavy granite gargoyle to the Joker's leg with his grappling hook, causing him to lose his grip and fall to his death after it breaks off.

Some time later, Commissioner Gordon announces that the police have arrested the Joker's men and unveils the Bat-Signal, Batman's gift to the police to summon him when he is needed. Harvey Dent reads a note from Batman, promising that he will defend Gotham whenever crime strikes again, calming the Warner Brothers' execs by verbally ensuring more sequels. Vicki is taken to Wayne Manor by Alfred, who tells her that Bruce will be a little late. She responds that she is not surprised, as Batman looks at the signal's projection from a rooftop, standing watch over the city to some of the best outro music ever composed, capping off a simple, but truly classic and legendary film.

"Bruce, may I say I'm sickened by your secret life as Batman."
"Vicki, may I say your perfume is captivating."

From the opening credits showing the Warner Bros logo to the end with Batman standing on the cathedral's roof, gazing at the Bat-Signal in the night sky, this movie is iconic. I can't really state what I've already stated in previous posts, but I guess I must reiterate or otherwise this post won't have such a great ending. The score is iconic, I encourage you to stream it on Spotify or whatever your musical streaming service of choice, is. Michael Keaton's performance as Batman is so great that I've described it on at least three previous blog posts that I can think of. Jack Nicholson's performance, on the other hand, I've mellowed out on... especially after having seen Joker. He's basically just playing Jack Nicholson, but you more-or-less forget with all the tasteless and bizarre humor he throws our way. Vicki Vale, while a decent love interest, is kind of ultimately forgetful. Sorry, Kim however-you-say-it. While Commissioner Gordon's actor is lackluster compared to Gary Oldman, whom we'd get in Chris Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, Michael Gough's gentlemanly British performance of Alfred is so far, the greatest we've gotten. Not to diss Michael Caine, except... yeah. Lastly, Billy Dee Williams is a Two-Face I'm sad we never got, but the scenes he's in as Harvey Dent, he does really well too!

Newcomer director Tim Burton, who by then had only done Pee-wee's Big Adventure and Beetlejuice (also with Michael Keaton), sets the tone wonderfully for his future films as well as future Batman adventures with this movie... minus all the Prince music which makes the movie feel dated. There's not just one... but two sequences set to Prince songs. Uh...  BUY PRINCE's ALBUMS, I guess. By today's standards, including after The Dark Knight, opinions have soured a little bit, or maybe not soured but certainly they've mellowed out. I still think this movie holds up, and it still remains my favorite Batman film of all-time, one of my favorite comic book movies of all-time and one of my favorite overall movies of all time. It's truly that great to me. I encourage you to watch it if you haven't seen it already. If you're a Bat-fan, you're going to realize where a lot of dark and brooding adaptations of Batman that have come since 1990 were getting their ideas from. This movie inspired so much, including the entirety of Batman: The Animated Series that you literally can't go wrong.

But while this movie was just the right amount of dark, it turns out that Batman movies can go plenty darker... and weirder... and more unpleasant.

A Review of "Frankenstein" (1931)

I have come here to chew bubblegum and strangle villagers... and I'm all out of bubblegum

The counter piece to Bela Lugosi's Dracula, from 1931. So much of a counter piece that it included a few of the same actors. That, or it could've just been because it was the same studio. Anywho, fresh off the incredible success of Dracula, Bela Lugosi was offered another part almost immediately; the mute, murderous creation of Dr. Victor Frankenstein in director James Whale's Frankenstein, based off of the Mary Shelley novel where a doctor plays God and creates another man. Lugosi disliked being offered a role with no lines where he would be caked in make-up, made unrecognizable, so he made the highly notable decision to pass. In came then-unknown, 44-year-old actor Boris Karloff... a late-bloomer when it comes to breaking into Hollywood... and he accepted the role. Little did anyone know that Jack Pierce's make-up work to turn Boris Karloff into the monster would make him the most famous, iconic image in Hollywood history.

"Fritz, we really should've done something about
this guy's fingernails. Yeesh!"

Frankenstein begins with Edward Van Sloan, Abraham Van Helsing in Dracula, stepping from behind a curtain and delivering a brief caution before the opening credits. It seems laughable by today's standards but back then, this movie was a rather scary, gut-wrenching experience, with highly questionable material about to be portrayed. So this warns the audience to leave if they don't "wish to subject their nerves to such a strain". It's parodied in Rob Zombie's The Haunted World of El Superbeasto, same deal. After the opening credits, we find ourselves in a village of the Bavarian Alps, where a young scientist named Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive) and his assistant Fritz (Dwight Frye), a hunchback, piece together a human body, the parts of which have been collected from various sources, including stolen freshly buried bodies in a cemetery, and the bodies of recently hanged criminals. Frankenstein desires to create human life through electrical devices which he has perfected. He then sends Fritz to a school where Dr. Waldman (Van Sloan), Henry's old medical professor, teaches, to steal a brain; Fritz drops the normal brain and has to take the brain of a criminal. This is spoofed in Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein, with the "Abby Normal" routine.

You guys ever get the feeling you're being watched?

Elizabeth (Mae Clarke), his fiancée, is worried over his peculiar actions. She cannot understand why he secludes himself in an abandoned watch tower, which he has equipped as a laboratory, and refuses to see anyone. Hopefully thinking it isn't her, like a precarious women would in this situation. Thankfully social media wasn't a thing back then. She and a mutual friend of Henry's, Victor Moritz, go to Dr. Waldman, and ask Waldman's help in reclaiming the young scientist from his experiments. Waldman tells them that Frankenstein has been working on creating life. Elizabeth, intent on rescuing Frankenstein, arrives just as Henry is making his final tests. He tells them to watch, claiming to have discovered the ray that brought life into the world. In one of, if not the best mad scientist laboratory set and scene that has ever been put on film, they watch Frankenstein and the hunchback as they raise the dead creature on an operating table, high into the room, toward an opening at the top of the laboratory. A terrific crash of thunder booms, and Frankenstein's electric machines flash, crackle and buzz. Shortly, the hand of Frankenstein's creature begins to move. This prompts Frankenstein to shout his famous line 'It's alive!'. Side note, the rest of the line had to be censored, as Frankenstein claimed "Oh in the name of God! Now I know what it's like to be God." The censors felt this was sacrilegious, so they cut out the second half of the line and overdubbed it with thunder. It has since been restored.

The manufactured creature, despite its grotesque form, initially appears to be a simple, innocent creation. Frankenstein welcomes it into his laboratory and asks his creation to sit, which it does. He then opens up the roof, causing the creature to reach out towards the sunlight. Fritz enters with a flaming torch, which frightens the creature. Its fright is mistaken by Frankenstein and Waldman as an attempt to attack them, and it is chained in the dungeon. Thinking that it is not fit for society and will wreak havoc at any chance, they leave the creature locked up, where Fritz antagonizes it with a torch. As Henry and Waldman consider the creature's fate, they hear a shriek from the dungeon. They run down and find that the creature has attacked and hung Fritz. It then lunges at the two but they escape, locking the creature inside. Realizing that the creature must be destroyed, Henry prepares an injection of a powerful drug and the two conspire to release the creature and inject it as it attacks. When the door is unlocked the creature lunges at Frankenstein as Waldman injects the drug into the creature's back. The creature falls to the floor unconscious. The injection was also cut by the censors in 1931. So originally, the film looked to show to the creature attacking Henry and Waldman before just becoming delirious and collapsing. It, too, has been restored.

"Dr. Frankenstein, have you seen the chompers in this thing?
He could probably chew bricks!"

Henry collapses from exhaustion, and Elizabeth and Henry's father arrive and take him home. Henry is worried about the creature but Waldman reassures him that he will destroy it. Later, Henry is at home, recovered and preparing for his wedding while Waldman examines the creature. As he is preparing to vivisect it, the creature awakens and strangles him, killing him. It escapes from the tower and wanders through the landscape. It has a short encounter with a farmer's young daughter, Maria. She is not afraid of him and asks him to play a game with her in which they toss flowers into a lake and watch them float. The creature enjoys the game, but when they run out of flowers he thinks Maria will float as well, so he throws her into the lake where, to his puzzlement, she drowns. Upset by this outcome, the creature runs away. This scene was met with backlash by the 1931 audiences, as expected, but surprisingly it was either not cut at all or minimally altered. I haven't found word online about it, but I've watched the scene and while you don't see the girl drown, the sounds of her struggling are there. Meanwhile, with preparations for the wedding completed, Henry is serenely happy with Elizabeth. They are to marry as soon as Waldman arrives. However, Victor rushes in, saying that Doctor Waldman has been found dead. Henry suspects the creature. Meanwhile, the creature enters Elizabeth's room, causing her to scream. When the searchers arrive, they find Elizabeth unconscious on the bed. The creature has escaped. Luckily, she is unharmed.

I actually don't have a joke for this one.

Maria's father arrives, carrying his daughter's drowned body. He says she was murdered, and the villagers form a search party to capture the creature, and bring it to justice, dead or alive. In order to search the whole country for the creature, they split into three groups: Ludwig (Michael Mark) leads the first group into the woods, Henry leads the second group into the mountains, and the Bürgermaster (Lionel Belmore) leads the third group by the lake. During the search, Henry becomes separated from the group and is discovered by the creature, who attacks him. The creature knocks Henry unconscious and carries him off to an old windmill. The peasants hear his cries and they regroup to follow. They find the creature has climbed to the top, dragging Henry with him. The creature hurls the scientist to the ground. His fall is broken by the vanes of the windmill, somehow saving his life. The prop that hits the blade is clearly a dummy, but I mean still; the fall should've killed him either way, and would've been a far more satisfying conclusion to both, but if a sequel had to be made, this is the best course of action to make sure Colin Clive can return. Anywho, some of the villagers hurry him to his home while the rest of the mob set the windmill ablaze, killing the entrapped creature inside. At Castle Frankenstein, Frankenstein's father, Baron Frankenstein, celebrates the wedding of his recovered son with a toast to a future grandchild, who could be the future Baron Wolf von Frankenstein, played by Basil Rathbone in Son of Frankenstein eight years later.

Frankenstein is my favorite of the classic Universal Monster films. For being 1931, it was incredibly groundbreaking. It took chances, terrified audiences and made a career for Boris Karloff. Karloff wasn't even credited until the end of the film. In the beginning, the monster is credited as "?". It's weird this movie decided to do a 'name switch', so to speak. In the novel, the doctor is called "Victor Frankenstein" and his friend is called "Henry", but then in this movie, the doctor's name is "Henry Frankenstein" and his friend is called "Victor", so I guess they just decided to Americanize the main character? Whichever the case, there's also the subject of 'the monster'. That's another thing. Ever since this film, people around the world constantly call the monster "Frankenstein". They think when they see that green face, big forehead, bolts in the neck that "that's Frankenstein". He's simply 'the monster', 'the creature' or 'Frankenstein's monster'. He's a nameless creature, but still it persists even to this day that people call him "Frankenstein". Maybe it's because the old posters feature Karloff's face as the monster, with the title "Frankenstein" plastered over him. Name association, I dig it. Also for being 1931, the acting is superb. Usually in these old movies, you find that the acting is quite hokey, and dialogue is clunky, but neither of those are the case for this film. It was groundbreaking in more ways than one, and is easily watchable by anybody, even today nearly ninety-years later.

Do yourself a favor, if you have time after Dracula and trick-or-treaters are still coming to your door, pop in Frankenstein. It's just as eerie as it's ever been, a true timeless horror masterpiece.

A Review of "Dracula" (1931)

Your senior picture is very ominous, Mr. Dracula!

I'm taking us back to the past. Way back. Back to when my grandpa was just a kid. A really, really young kid. 1931, to be precise. When sound first came into movies. All movies were black and white, and they didn't really know how to utilize the lack of sound, because most of these movies sound like the empty spots on vinyl records. What we're starting with is one of the crown jewels of horror movies, and the first staple of the 1930s. While the 1920s gave us horror masterpieces such as Nosferatu, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, and the Lon Chaney staples The Hunchback of Notre Dame and The Phantom of the Opera, the 1930s would kick off a massive horror movie renaissance for Hollywood, and it started with 1931's adaptation of Bram Stoker's gothic horror novel Dracula, starring Bela Lugosi.

As is yours, Mr. Renfield!

Renfield (Dwight Frye) is a solicitor traveling to Count Dracula's (Bela Lugosi) castle in Transylvania on a business matter. The people in the local village fear that vampires inhabit the castle and warn Renfield not to go there. Renfield refuses to stay at the inn and asks his carriage driver to take him to the Borgo Pass. Renfield is driven to the castle by Dracula's coach, with Dracula disguised as the driver. En route, Renfield sticks his head out the window to ask the driver to slow down, but sees the driver has disappeared; a bat leads the horses. A bat on a string, no less. OH THE HORROR. Renfield enters the castle and is welcomed by the charming but eccentric Count, who, unbeknownst to Renfield, is a vampire, an unholy creature of the night... and not the kind that shops at Hot Topic. They discuss Dracula's intention to lease Carfax Abbey in London, where he intends to travel the next day. Dracula hypnotizes Renfield into opening a window. Renfield faints as a bat appears and Dracula's three wives close in on him. Dracula waves them away, then attacks Renfield himself to suck his blood and turn him into a demonic presence.

Not really sure what you're going for
here, Dr. Van Helsing

Aboard the Vesta, Renfield is a raving lunatic slave to Dracula, who hides in a coffin and feeds on the ship's crew. Off screen, of course. When the ship reaches England, Renfield is discovered to be the only living person. Renfield is sent to Dr. Seward's sanatorium adjoining Carfax Abbey. Across town, at a London theatre, Dracula meets Seward (Herbert Bunston). Seward introduces his daughter Mina (Helen Chandler), her fiancé John Harker (David Manners) and the family friend Lucy Weston (Frances Dade). Lucy is fascinated by Count Dracula. That night, Dracula enters her room and feasts on her blood while she sleeps. Lucy dies the next day after a string of transfusions.

Renfield is obsessed with eating flies and spiders. Professor Van Helsing (Edward Van Sloan) analyzes Renfield's blood and discovers his obsession. He starts talking about vampires, and that afternoon Renfield begs Seward to send him away, claiming his nightly cries may disturb Mina's dreams. When Dracula calls Renfield with wolf howling, I guess being good at hunting and animal calls, Renfield is disturbed by Van Helsing showing him wolfsbane, which Van Helsing says is used for protection from vampires. Later that night, Dracula visits Mina, asleep in her bedroom, and bites her. The next evening, Dracula enters for a visit and Van Helsing and Harker notice that he does not have a reflection. When Van Helsing reveals this to Dracula, he smashes the mirror and leaves. Van Helsing deduces that Dracula is the vampire behind the recent tragedies. Pretty smart deduction considering he has no reflection and the problems only started after this exotic dude with a foreign accent showed up from Transylvania.

Just the picture please, thanks Count.
Don't actually bite the poor woman.

Later that night, Mina leaves her room and runs to Dracula in the garden, where he attacks her. She is found by the maid. Newspapers report that a woman in white is luring children from the park and biting them. Mina recognizes the lady as Lucy, risen as a vampire. Harker wants to take Mina to London for safety, but is convinced to leave Mina with Van Helsing. Van Helsing orders Nurse Briggs (Joan Standing) to take care of Mina when she sleeps, and not to remove the wreath of wolfsbane from her neck. Meanwhile, the looney-tune Renfield escapes from his cell and listens to the men discuss vampires. Before his attendant takes Renfield back to his cell, Renfield relates to them how Dracula convinced Renfield to allow him to enter the sanitorium by promising him thousands of rats with blood and life in them. Dracula enters the Seward parlour and talks with Van Helsing. Dracula states that Mina now belongs to him, and warns Van Helsing to return to his home country. Van Helsing swears to excavate Carfax Abbey and destroy Dracula. Dracula attempts to hypnotize Van Helsing, but the latter's resolve proves stronger. As Dracula lunges at Van Helsing, he withdraws a crucifix from his coat, forcing Dracula to retreat. Elsewhere, Harker visits Mina on a terrace, and she speaks of how much she loves "nights and fogs". A bat flies above them and squeaks to Mina. She then attacks Harker but Van Helsing and Seward save him. Mina confesses what Dracula has done to her, and tells Harker their love is finished. Probably the most badass break-up note somebody could get... and one that sounds like it would come out of an Off the Wall store.

Dracula hypnotizes Briggs into removing the wolfsbane from Mina's neck and opening the windows. Van Helsing and Harker see Renfield heading for Carfax Abbey. They see Dracula with Mina in the abbey. When Harker shouts to Mina, Dracula thinks Renfield has led them there. Renfield pleads for his life, but Dracula kills him. Dracula is hunted by Van Helsing and Harker knowing that Dracula is forced to sleep in his coffin during daylight, and the sun is rising. Van Helsing prepares a wooden stake while Harker searches for Mina. Van Helsing impales Dracula through the heart, killing him, and Mina returns to normal...

Count, a senior portrait should have your face--
oh never mind.

Dracula from 1931 loosely adapts the novel, leaving out many things or not fleshing them out all the way. It had to cram the entire novel in a 70 minute runtime. I guess people's attention spans were much shorter back then. Still, Bela Lugosi really defined Dracula for the coming decades, century even. Seeing as how we're a mere twelve years from the movie's centennial birthday, that's a lot of time for Bela to define vampires in popular media. Even to the point of his slicked back hair and his thick Hungarian accent becoming synonymous with vampires. The only unfortunate part is that for the rest of his life, he became typecast; playing mythic gothic figures with foreign accents that commanded screen presence every time you saw him. It affected his career, but appearing in 103 films doesn't sound too bad to me. The only other memorable characters to me are Renfield, Dwight Frye, and Abraham Van Helsing, Edward Van Sloan. Both have their perks in what they bring, but Renfield is more memorable. Edward Van Sloan's speeches can get pretty dry at times. He's not quite as enticing and unnerving as Donald Pleasance in Halloween, but he gets the job done.

Nevertheless, while the entertainment value might be lacking to some of today's audiences, if you get a chance in the few days we have left this Halloween season, check out the classic Dracula. It's a masterpiece of a mood chiller. Set the viewing mood for yourself, too. Lights out, window open (unless it's butt cold outside) and popcorn in hand. Bela Lugosi is one of the old-time horror masters, so you won't be disappointed.

A Review of "Scream" (1996)

"Sorry ma'am, usually I prank call Domino's Pizza"

In space, nobody can hear this movie! At least, that's how I think the tagline goes. As part of my subpar, minimalistic Halloween 2K19 celebration, I wanted to take a look at a series of films I hadn't every seen before. I had seen the first Scream many moons ago in high school, but the sequels I hadn't ever bothered to watch. Until now! First, let's start off with my rewatch of Scream, a slasher movie made in the 90s to tribute the slasher movies of the 70s and 80s. Wes Craven directs this tale of a horror movie buff shrouded in a cheap, common "Father Death" costume, hacking teenagers just after asking them what their favorite scary movie is. There's even references to A Nightmare on Elm Street, Wes Craven's slasher classic, including a line that shits on all the sequels. Take that, Hollywood franchising!

She could report on watching different brands
of paint drying... I'd still watch.

The movie starts as high school student Casey Becker (Drew Barrymore) receives a flirty phone call from an unknown person, asking her, "What's your favorite scary movie?" However, the caller turns sadistic and threatens her life. He reveals that her boyfriend Steve Orth (Kevin Patrick Walls) is being held hostage and demands she answer questions about horror films. After Casey gets one wrong, Steve is murdered gruesomely. When Casey refuses to answer more questions, she is murdered by a masked killer. Her parents come home to find her corpse hanging from a tree, gutted like a deer. Well that's always fun. Let this be a lesson that caller ID is more valuable than we give it credit for. In fact, I read online that caller ID setups quadrupled after this movie came out. The following day, the news media descend on the town and a police investigation begins. Meanwhile, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) struggles with the impending first anniversary of her mother's murder by Cotton Weary (Liev Schreiber, of all people). While waiting at home for her friend Tatum Riley (Rose McGowan), Sidney receives a threatening phone call. After she hangs up she is attacked by the Ghostface killer, but manages to escape. Sidney's boyfriend Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich) arrives shortly after, but after he drops his cell phone, Sidney suspects him of making the call and flees. Billy is arrested and Sidney spends the night at Tatum's house, where she receives another threatening call. This film is eerily similar in story flow and plot elements to A Nightmare on Elm Street. The girl in the beginning that we think is the main character gets killed, a boyfriend is wrongly accused and gets arrested while the new lead girl is desperate to get to the bottom of it all? No wonder Wes Craven seemed like such a shoo-in.

"Stu, is that your hand?"

Billy is released the next day. Suspicion has shifted to Sidney's father Neil Prescott (Lawrence Hecht), as the calls have been traced to his phone. School is suspended in the wake of the murders. After the students have left the school, Principal Himbry (The Fonz, Henry Winkler) is stabbed to death in his office. Tatum's boyfriend Stu Macher (Shaggy himself, Matthew Lillard) throws a party to celebrate the school's closure. The party is attended by Sidney, Tatum, their friend Randy Meeks (Jamie Kennedy), and many other students. Reporter Gale Weathers (Courteney Cox) attends uninvited to cover the situation, as she expects the killer to strike. Tatum's brother deputy sheriff Dewey Riley (David Arquette) also looks out for the murderer at the party. Tatum is killed during the party by having her neck crushed by the garage door. Meanwhile, the recently freed Billy arrives to speak to Sidney privately, and the two ultimately consummate their relationship. Dewey and Gale investigate a nearby abandoned car that is parked in the woods near Stu's house, and nearly awkwardly consummate their own brooding relationship. Back at the house, many party attendees are drawn away after hearing news of Himbry's death; Sidney, Billy, Randy, Stu, and Gale's cameraman Kenny (W. Earl Brown) remain.

I was going to call myself "Ghostknife", but I had
to dial that back.

After bumping uglies, Sidney and Billy are attacked by the Ghostface killer from out of nowhere, who seemingly murders Billy. Sidney narrowly escapes from the house and seeks help from Kenny, but the killer slits his throat. Gale and Dewey, having discovered that the car belongs to Neil Prescott, return to the house. They believe Neil is the killer and has come to the party to continue his spree. Gale tries to escape in her van, but drives off the road to avoid hitting Sidney and crashes. Dewey is later stabbed in the back (literally, not figuratively) while investigating in the house, and Sidney takes his gun. Stu and Randy appear and accuse each other of being the killer. Sidney retreats into the house, where she finds Billy wounded but still alive. She gives Billy the gun; he lets Randy into the house and shoots him. Billy reveals that he feigned his injuries and is actually the killer; Stu is his accomplice. Not going to lie, pretty sick twist.

"Come on, lady. It's my first day. Stop yelling at me."

Billy and Stu discuss their plan to kill Sidney and frame the murder spree on her father, whom they have taken hostage. The pair also reveal that they, not Cotton, murdered her mother Maureen, as she was having an affair with Billy's father, which drove his mother away. Gale, who survived the crash, intervenes, and Sidney takes advantage of this to turn the tables on her attackers, killing Stu. Yep, that's right, you get to witness Shaggy get murdered by the chick from Masters of the Universe. God, I love Hollywood. Thankfully, Randy is revealed to be wounded but alive. Billy attacks Sidney one last time, but she shoots him in the head, killing him. As the sun rises and police arrive, Dewey, badly injured, is taken away by ambulance and Gale makes an impromptu news report about the night's events.

Scream is a lot of fun, and it pays tribute to a lot of old-fashioned slasher movie tropes while still seeming fresh and original. Sidney is a great lead character, but her boyfriend I gotta say is one lousy actor. A lot of his deliveries seem creepy. This, of course, isn't a problem when he's revealed to be the killer at the end of the movie, but when he's just in Sidney's bedroom trying to seduce her in the beginning of the movie? Seems like his overacting is kind of a stretch. He's way too hammy. Stu is obviously a treat. The exchange we see between him and Randy is glorious when Randy is discussing the rules to follow to survive a horror movie. The rules are as follows:

1. You may not survive the movie if you have sex.
2. You may not survive the movie if you drink or do drugs.
3. You may not survive the movie if you say "I'll be right back", "Hello?" or "Who's there?"

They both look like one farted and neither one knows who did it

Upon delivering the third rule, Stu goes "I'm grabbing another beer, you want one?" Randy says "Sure" and Stu comically replies "I'll be right back!" I don't know why, always loved that. Courteney Cox is hot... er... I mean... fiercely present as Gale Weathers, the bitch reporter that exploited Sidney's mother's murder for book money. Dewey is such a lovable dud, but he only kind of plays it off like that. Other times, he's strong-witted and brave. Kind of an awkward mish-mash, considering I was expecting your average country bumpkin. The kills are pretty brutal, but also lowkey and not on screen for very long. In fact, the only way this movie got an R rating as opposed to an NC-17 rating was that Wes Craven told the MPAA to view it like a comedy movie, not a horror movie. Once this was said, the MPAA's viewpoint changed and the film was awarded an R rating. I chuckled at that when I read it. It has typical, over-the-top background horror movie characters. Obviously it couldn't be entirely original, but this isn't really a detriment. The Ghostface costume has become synonymous with slasher-movie horror, and has become an icon ranking right up there with Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger and even Michael Myers himself. Also being one of the few besides Freddy that has a voice and a personality... supplied by the eerily creepy sounding Roger L. Jackson. I already checked... no relation to Samuel L. Jackson.

Scream is one you should definitely check out. A 90's tribute to classic slasher movies while being a brand new franchise all on its own. Pretty great.