It's that magical season again. The season where Jason rises from Crystal Lake, Freddy returns to your nightmares, Michael resurfaces in your backyard, Pinhead does whatever-the-fuck Pinhead does, Chucky returns from the local toy store, Leprechaun is resurrected from a four-leaf clover, Dracula rises from the ashes, Frankenstein's monster is thawed from a block of ice and...alright I'm rambling. you get the idea.
It's time once again for a Cody Brennan bona-fide blogging spectacular. Hell, I have nothing better to do with my time anyway, so I might as well entertain you with a few jokes, limericks, anecdotes, one-liners, judgments, and my trademark barrage of whimsical sarcastic jargon. All in respect and admiration of my favorite decade: the 1980s. I'm going to pretend like I was alive in the 80s this Halloween. "What do you mean, Cody?" I hear you grumble from under your breath. I'm going to take the 1980s cinema's two most notorious serial killing icons and match them up. Make them fight for your amusement. Okay, not really, but in a figurative sense. I'm going to take Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees and showcase their movies for your reading pleasure. You're going on a 1980s pilgrimage with me as we take a time travel jump back to that glorious, innocent time. Back when the country was okay with having a celebrity as President. Back before people discovered how to be offended 24/7. Back when Hollywood shoving schlock into theaters was a goofy and stupid albeit fun and cheap way to waste a Friday night before theater ticket price hikes and movie quality decreases ruined everything for the average moviegoer and his girlfriend. Or I guess since this is the 2010s, I'll say "and his **significant other**".
For this Halloween season, I will personally sit down and watch every single Friday the 13th movie as well as every A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. I will review them. I will carefully analyze them. I will blast Dokken's "Dream Warriors" followed by Alice Cooper's "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)". I will point out tropes, flaws, goofs, blunders, bloopers, boners and gaffes, laughing in a mocking and lighthearted manner, accordingly. I will girlishly giggle and gawk at every boob, breast, tit, chesticle, funnybag, gazoomba and bazonga exposed by any underpaid, smoking hot actress, pretending like I don't freeze-frame on every single instance for a good glimpse. I will act confused at the sight marijuana use and pretend like I don't know what's happening in a childish state of juvenile naivete. Oh it'll be glorious....and on Halloween day? I will cap it all off with Freddy vs. Jason where both psycho's careers culminated in probably the greatest "versus" movie we have ever gotten. NO NERDS. Marvel crossovers don't count as versus movies. It's all a preset, single-contained universe. Quit getting overexcited.
So I hope you're as excited as I am. Keep an eye on your social media tube, because shit's about to get real. Because there are only eighteen total posts, it'll have a cockamamie schedule of ridiculousness just to fill the whole month somewhat equally. If you'd rather watch for that inaugural post because that's when the roller coaster of nostalgic slasher-movie mayhem is leaving the station, just ignore everything after this sentence. If you'd like to plan your daily life around the release and reading of this Halloween spectacular because you love me that much, the schedule is as follows:
October 1 - Friday the 13th (1980)
October 2 - Friday the 13th, Part 2 (1981)
October 3 - Friday the 13th, Part 3 in 3D (1982)
October 4 - Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)
October 7 - A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
October 10 - Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
October 12 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)
October 14 - Jason Lives: Friday the 13th, Part VI (1986)
October 16 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (1987)
October 18 - Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
October 20 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
October 22 - Friday the 13th, Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
October 24 - A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)
October 26 - Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)
October 28 - Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
October 29 - Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)
October 30 - Jason X (2002)
Halloween - Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Also, it goes without saying that this'll probably be the only post for September. I'll be busy writing all these monstrosities. See you in October!
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