A Review of "Star Wars: The Last Jedi"

Well, it's that time of the year, isn't it? The time where the temperatures are dropping, the snow is coming, and Santa's finalizing his lists to deliver gifts to all of the silly kids of the world. The time when gingerbread cookies are in the oven, frosting's on its roof, Christmas Vacation is on TV non-stop, and the presents lay nestled under your brightly-lit, well-decorated Christmas tree. If you think I'm talking about Christmas, check again. It's apparently "Star Wars" month, thanks to Disney. For the past three years, Star Wars movies have been shoved into theaters whether we want them or not. You know? On a George Lucas-timeframe, we wouldn't be getting Episode VIII until next December...with literally no movies in between. God, I hate Lucas for some of the things he's done to his own movies, to pop culture, to the history of filmmaking, and to some of the best actors in the world...but boy do I miss him these days...I'll bet he's rolling around in his grave, right now.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi...the eighth episode in this overcooked franchise that someone left in the oven to go settle an argument. A franchise that's been released, slightly-altered and re-released, re-edited then re-re-released, corrected and re-re-re-released, poorly re-re-re-re-released for some anniversary special edition cash grab, re-re-re-re-released with absolute garbage coloring and even more bogus changes, and finally re-re-re-re-re-re-released on the digital airwaves at the low-low price of $20 a title, or if you're really a sap...$100 for SIX of the movies. Seems like a fair trade again...Fuck I got off topic.

LOL

Well, I can safely start off by saying the movie was very "Star Wars-y". It opens with a space battle, Poe Dameron being the cocky schmuck that he is, fighting as a single X-Wing Fighter against a Dreadnought class Star Destroyer of the First Order. Also, Dreadnought class? Ripped right out of Star Trek, that one. Well, somehow it works out in the Resistance's favor because he wins...with the help of a few bombers of course. For some reason, he's demoted by General Leia because despite the fact that they won, she's upset that many were killed. I guess for getting their bombers destroyed, but that's one-less Dreadnought-class Star Destroyer in the galaxy.

Leia was just as Leia-y as ever. She was just in the background, seldom seen and heard. She's the one that demotes Poe, but then gets sucked out into space when the room she's in on the star cruiser explodes from a laser blast. Just when you think she's dead, she does the strangest impression of Mary Poppins I've ever seen, takes a page out of Christopher Reeve's Superman and flies back to the ship and saves herself. Okay...I mean, Star Wars has expected me to believe dumber things, but that's pushing it. I like that she got to live, but now it means that Disney's written themselves into a hole. Carrie Fisher's dead but Leia's still alive, and Mark Hamill's still alive but Luke Skywalker's dead. So...uh oh...somebody fucked up. Can't wait to see how this will all pan out. Well, in Leia's absence came Laura Dern as a new admiral: Admiral Something-Too-Weird-to-Remember. Hang on let me look it up...

...Amilyn Holdo? Okay, the lady with the purple hair. I enjoyed her character as the admiral whom you initially think is a turncoat or some kind of bad leader, but it turns out she's the best leader in lieu of Leia that the Resistance could have. Also, the scene where she jumps to lightspeed and tears right through Snoke's Star Destroyer? Bad. Ass.

"Hello, you're my Yoda and I've come to be your Luke."

Believe it or not, Kylo Ren was probably the best character in the movie. Kylo shows the most struggle and inner turmoil, and it was really his character that was given the most of a story arc. From starting off in his helmet on, until Supreme Leader Snoke makes him feel like a loser for wearing it, then he just sort of loses it for the remainder of the movie. Kinda sad. Loses that Darth Vader vibe to it all. I guess that's good, so he's not a total carbon-copy of Darth Vader. He's just as whiny as Hayden Christensen's Anakin Skywalker, though. I guess we can attribute that to inheriting it from him biologically. Also, a few of his lines are delivered in the goofiest manner. "TARGET THAT MAN AND BLOW HIM THE FUCK UP!!" (Warning: Not actual line). It's also revealed that Kylo and Rey have some Force connection where they can see and hear each other no matter where they're at. It's weird and first, but then it's just swept under the rug after a few scenes of Kylo being like "I believe in you" and she's like "Shut up, you monster". All in all though, Kylo kills Snoke in a very surprising twist. I mean...not that surprising considering Vader turned on the Emperor and killed him, so when you use that hereditary inheritance again, not that surprising. In the moment though, holy Snokes was that unforeseen. I wouldn't have guessed that if I had a million guesses.

Speaking of Snoke's death, I'm SO glad I was thinking all this time about who Snoke would turn out to be and what his origins were. Turns out I didn't have to give a flying frack about it because Disney clearly didn't either. Stock bad guy is stock. I award Disney negative twenty-five million billion points for building up a character's identity in the scheme of a trilogy then taking a giant dump on all their plans. It's like if I wanted to hype punching you in the face and then just shot myself in the balls instead. What a waste. I sure hope you paid Andy Serkis by the word, because he must've been pissed. AWESOME stuff, Disney. Sure hope you got the money invested into all those Snoke action figures.

So, you might be wondering where Luke Skywalker is in all this. Well, if you remember the ending of The Force Awakens, you'll know that he was on the planet Acht-To...or Atch-To...or Ah-Choo, or whatever it's called. He's there because "he went there to die" so that the Jedi would end. Why does Luke want the entirety of the Jedi religion to end? Because he royally screwed up training the next generation of Jedi, including Ben Solo, and decided that rather than fixing what he did, he just does what every Jedi does when things get tough...disappear into obscurity and die cold and alone. GREAT PLAN. Rey, however, visits him and does that thing from Rocky V. You know, the 'sports/drama moment where she goes to Luke and says "Hey train me" and Luke says "no, I don't train people anymore, but ask me again in twelve minutes and I'll say yes"' thing. Luke grants her three lessons, which I guess is all it takes to be a Jedi. Her first lesson goes well until she sees a dark hole in a vision and goes to it. Luke yells at her for "running to the darkness" first-thing and dumps on her training...only to return the following day for lesson #2. Luke's more indecisive than the people making these movies. Eventually, Rey sees another vision where she sees multiple of herself (which was a truly tripping scene) and decides that she must go and face Kylo before her training finishes. "You mean like when Luke rushed from his training to go face Vader in Empire?" I hear you ask. "Shut up. This is nothing like that," replies Disney, counting their billions of dollars. So then you see Rey and Kylo enter Snoke's throne room and the scene literally starts mimicking the ending of Return of the Jedi. If not verbatim, in tone and style alone. What is it with these movies and mimicking what's already been done? You proved the franchise can still be profitable, if not completely misguided with The Force Awakens, so it was time to branch out. Instead, you have the lightsaber next to Snoke, Snoke disconnecting Rey's shackles with the Force; even Snoke showing Rey the Resistance fleet that's in peril. But that's totally not like Return of the Jedi with the Rebel fleet that was flying into a trap. Snoke then says "It was I who did that thing that ultimately led your path straight to me" which (again) is nothing like when the Emperor said "It was I who did that thing that ultimately led your path straight to me" to Luke.

Permission to go 'blow shit up'?
'Crap', commander Dameron. These are kids' movies.

I liked that Yoda was back. I especially liked that he was the goofy, senile puppet Yoda that came off like he mixed up his meds and didn't know which way was up. The one from The Empire Strikes Back. Wait what's that? Another allusion to The Empire Strikes Back? Well played, Disney, you unoriginal schlock-factory. People seem to rip on this Yoda for being too much of that looney-tune, dementia-ridden muppet and not being the uptight, all-serious CGI Yoda from those one movies that couldn't foresee his way out of a paper bag, but hey if you take this shit seriously then maybe you're the one who needs help, weirdo. I jest...but seriously, this was a welcome addition to the movie. Watching Mark Hamill interact with Frank Oz operating a Yoda puppet must've brought back some serious Empire Strikes Back flashbacks for both actors. A truly warming scene to watch.

Finn's story was boring. Finn got the shaft in this movie. I'm glad he's got a love-story now and that he and Rose are a thing, but if you're not making Titanic jokes throughout this whole sub-plot, then there's really no enjoyment out of it. I'm just happy Poe got more screentime and a bigger character arc. They realized their mistake with The Force Awakens by giving everyone who wasn't Rey the boot, in terms of their story. I mean, Finn had a good arc in Awakens, but so did the lightsaber that severed his spine. Sure, don't sever Rey's spine.

I find the idea behind the force projection fascinating. It's an interesting force technique we haven't been introduced to yet. Seeing Luke Skywalker be the Jedi to do it was also satisfying, seeing as how (once again) I see Luke as the be-all, end-all Jedi who's the most Jedi-est Jedi of all the Jedi we've seen already. Channeling an entire image of yourself to anywhere in space as long as you meditate? What's not badass about that? Well...the fact that it kills you and ultimately can't do anything while your projecting yourself is a bit of a turn off. Turns out Luke Skywalker isn't the be-all, end-all Jedi we've grown to admire and root for over the past forty years. You know that legendary movie character that's existed for four decades? The one who killed Vader and the Emperor, was the star of an entire trilogy, and helped bring about the "Return of the Jedi" (wink)? Yeah...he was just passing the torch to that annoyingly perfect British girl I couldn't even get behind after the first adventure. She's the one who's going to end the entire saga and actually bring peace to the galaxy. Up yours, OG Star Wars fans. Boy, they played you good. You should see the looks on your guys' faces. I'll bet your thinking imaginative ways to...oh right, you guys bailed on the franchise when Phantom Menace came out. My bad. Moving on.

The courageous species that crush and destroy the First Order
at the end of Episode IX

Yeah, Luke is done justice and at the same time, he isn't. He doesn't really "kick some ass" like you would hope, but then again, is he supposed to? Alec Guinness got in a lightsaber fight in his 60's for Star Wars, so there's no reason why Luke couldn't have a duel with Kylo here. Instead, they tease you with the Force projection crap. He stands there, they dance and twirl blades for two moves, then Luke fades away. Luke couldn't even come visit his sister in person before he died. What an asshole. Look, Luke didn't need to kick ass in this movie. If you want to watch Luke Skywalker kick some ass, watch The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. These aren't Luke's movies anymore. They're Rey's, whether you like it or not. Luke's now the Obi-Wan character, he's the wise old sage passing knowledge on to the next hero...Rey. His "fading away" or "becoming one with the Force" was a beautiful ending for the character, though I guarantee we'll see Luke back as a Force ghost in Episode IX. Also, the ending with the kids who have the Force? Nice little vague ending to set something else up. If it's Episode IX I'll be very happy. If it's Rian Johnson's stupid spin-off trilogy Disney couldn't pay me to give a shit about, I'll be upset. I'll bet they're "the next generation" of Jedi in Episode IX. Shoot, what if IX takes place like ten-fifteen years after The Last Jedi and its Rey training these kids to help  her take down the First Order once and for all?! WAIT. That would also explain how Lucasfilm can just say "No, Leia won't be in the film" despite the fact her character didn't die here! HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS.

Woah, I just blew my own mind. Not Kurt Cobain-style, though. I'm still intact.

All in all, contrary to my griping, I did like this entry. It's a decent Star Wars movie that situates itself somewhere into the middle of my ranking. It's got some original trilogy elements in it, it does the Luke Skywalker character great justice, Kylo's internal struggles explode into the greatest display we've seen with him yet, Poe and Finn do a great storyline and get more screentime for both of them. But Leia gets underutilized and just stands there most of the time, the tease of a major lightsaber duel turning into nothing but a popcorn fart, the Finn/Rose storyline that doesn't really do anything, the overuse of slapstick comedy, John William's phoned-in score that recycles previously heard music cues instead of creating new ones (especially just carrying over The Force Awakens' rendition of the opening crawl)...and other things. It was the most wishy-washy, polarizing movie I've ever seen. There were things I really liked and things I really didn't like. Overall, I'd give it a 7.5 if I had to grade it. News outlets calling it "The best one since Empire" haven't seen a new Star Wars movie since Empire, clearly. Those reports are falsified and my team of specialists are cracking down on them to have them removed from the internet. It's a pretty decent entry, just not "the be-all, awesome Star Wars movie" that we've all been waiting for since Return of the Jedi.