Movie Fuck Ups, Part Deux:
Let's get this rolling.
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| I come from the futuah bearing plaht holes |
2. The Shawshank Redemption - "The Poster": This one kind makes sense as a plot hole. In the movie, Warden Norton comes storming into Andy's cell, realizing he's escaped. When he throws a chess piece through a poster of Raquel Welch, it pings down Andy's man-made hole. The Warden then fingers the hole (giggity) and rips the poster off of the wall, revealing the tunnel Andy dug with a rock hammer over nineteen years that he used to escape. Question: If Andy crawled into the hole to escape, how did he manage to put the poster back up on the wall behind him?
3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - "Khan Remembers Chekov": This one's huge among Star Trek fans and its cringeworthy each time you watch it. The Wrath of Khan movie acts as a feature-length sequel to the original series episode "Space Seed", in which Khan Noonien-Singh, a super man from the 20th century, takes over the Enterprise before being banished to Ceti Alpha V. In Wrath of Khan, when Chekov and Terrell set down on what they believe is Ceti Alpha VI, they still come across remnants of the SS Botany Bay and Khan Noonien-Singh. Khan then says to Terrell "I don't know you", but moves over to Chekov and says "...but you, I never forget a face." How could Khan know who Chekov is if Chekov wasn't in "Space Seed"? Walter Koenig wasn't even brought into the series by that point. The character of Chekov didn't even exist when Khan took over the Enterprise.
4. Toy Story - "Buzz the Space Ranger": In Toy Story, Andy receives a toy for his birthday called Buzz Lightyear. When Buzz is first introduced, he has the mindset like he doesn't believe he's a toy. He believes himself to be a real space ranger. So why, when humans come around, does he even bother freezing? You see the toys freeze whenever Andy comes in a room, but Buzz doesn't believe he's a toy (at first, anyway). Buzz shouldn't give a rat's ass if Andy sees him moving or not.
5. Citizen Kane - "Rosebud": In what is often considered the greatest motion picture that has been produced by mankind (I personally find it to be a snoozefest, fell asleep when I watched it), Charles Foster Kane dies just after uttering what became is final word spoken; "Rosebud". Once Rosebud is heard, an all-out scramble to learn what it means goes underway as the rest of the movie is spent looking back at the life of the most powerful man in the world. Except, no. No one was around with Kane when he died. Kane died alone. So who heard "Rosebud"?
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - "The Curse is Lifted All Wrong": In the final swordfight of the first (and best) Pirates of the Caribbean film, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner move to end the curse so they can kill Barbossa. The curse can only be lifted with the blood of "Bootstrap" Bill Turner, Will's father, or Will himself and every last coin put back in the chest. So why does Jack slice his hand open with the coin inside to have Will drop it in? No seriously, watch the end of the movie. Jack slices his hand with the coin inside, to signal that Jack is dousing the coin with his blood, and then he tosses it to Will to put it in the chest to end the curse. Jack's blood shouldn't do donkey dick. It should've been Will slicing his hand open.
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - "Barbossa Dies, Jack Does Not": Two plot goofs from the same movie in one list. God help us all.
8. Rocky - "Blink and You Miss It": So, it goes without saying that the first Rocky film is a triumph and a masterpiece of sports drama cinema. In the final fight, Rocky gets his ass kicked in the fourteenth round real bad, so bad that Mickey has to cut his swollen eyelid open so he could see. Rocky wobbles as he rises from the stool for the fifteenth and final round. Apollo, bewildered that such an opponent would last this long and even start outboxing him, sighs as he enters the fifteenth round. It's the final three minutes to decide who's going to be heavyweight champion...
9. Reservoir Dogs - "Who Shoots 'Nice Guy' Eddie?": In the ending of Reservoir Dogs, a tense talk turns into a mexican stand off. The dying Mr. Orange lies bleeding out on the floor with no gun. Joe Cabot has his gun trained on the dying Mr. Orange, whom he believes to be a cop. Mr. White has his gun trained on Joe Cabot to protect Mr. Orange, who he believes to not be a cop. To protect his father, "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot trains his gun on Mr. White. Unfortunately, things go south. Joe pulls the trigger and puts another slug into Mr. Orange. In a split-second response, Mr. White shoots Joe Cabot and kills him. "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot pulls his trigger and puts a slug into Mr. White. That seems to be everyone covered. No, it isn't, because nobody shoots "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot and kills him too. No guns were trained on him, and if you rewatch the scene you can see "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot shoot Mr. White, and then fall over and lie dead like he's been shot. Glaring plot goof if you ask me. Very glaring. Not like Tarantino to overlook something like this.
10. The Karate Kid - "No Touching of the Face": Yeah, you've heard of this one. Hell I'm sure you've pointed it out yourselves. Everybody knows about this one. It's the most glaring sin in motion pictures it seems like. In the end tournament of The Karate Kid (the good one), it is clearly stated that the entrant in a fight to knock his/her opponent in the face will be disqualified. Daniel-san decides to deliver the final blow and win the whole damn thing by kicking Johnny right in the face. Daniel-san should've been disqualified, and disqualified with haste. But nope, everyone celebrates like his kick to Johnny's face cured everybody's cancer for years to come. Bravo, Daniel-san. No wonder John Kreese was roaring pissed at the end. He got ripped off.
11. The Terminator - "The Entire Goddamn Timeline": It's true that the Terminator franchise is overwhelmingly subject to criticism over its mishandling of its own timeline. The entire franchise as a whole is a travesty in terms of its timeline. The very premise that the entire thirty-plus year franchise is based on is a glaring goof in the rules of time travel. Skynet, the world's dumbest super computer, sends a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger back through time to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor to prevent John Connor, the future leader of the resistance, from being born. This way, they will ensure their own victory. John Connor learns of this, and to protect his mother and himself, he sends back Kyle Reese, who ends up planting his seed in Sarah's rose garden that ends up sprouting into...John Connor. (I'm saying...I'm saying they had sex). So, uh-oh, Skynet fucked up. Being from the future, Skynet would surely know that Kyle Reese is John Connor's father through access to all medical record databases, so in order to truly "change the past to protect their future", Skynet should do nothing at all. Not sending the Terminator back to 1984 would not necessitate the sending of Kyle Reese to 1984, and he would never violate Sarah Connor like a parking meter and John would cease to exist in 2029, and Skynet would win. Ipso-facto, Skynet is it's own worst enemy in the entire franchise. Boom.
12. Spider-Man 2 - "Ock's a Clumsy Dick": In Spider-Man 2, arguably the best Spider-Man movie put out by anybody so far, Harry Osborn convinces Doc Ock to find and bring Spider-Man to him so he can kill him, in exchange for the last bit of tritium on the planet. When Ock asks how to find Spider-Man, Harry tells him "Peter Parker". So how does Ock go to get Peter's attention? Well...how about throwing a fucking car at him through a diner window? You know that would only...kill him? Yeah, kill him. Remember, Ock doesn't even know Peter is Spider-Man yet, so to Ock, Peter's just a regular nerd with bony-stick arms who couldn't lift the toilet seat without wheezing. A fucking sedan flying through a coffee shop window and rolling to the clear back of the store would crush him, leave no trace of him, leave Ock without finding where Spider-Man is and fresh out of tritium. I mean, he could just kill Harry and take the tritium, but then what's with all this shit regarding finding Spider-Man for him?
13. Terminator 2: Judgment Day - "Only Living Tissue Can Go": Again with the Terminators and their lousy writing.
14. Back to the Future - "Biff's Our Best Fr--, wait.": In the 1955 events of Back to the Future, George McFly goes to the car expecting to fight off Marty molesting his own teenage mother (quite the bullet Marty chose to swallow to save his own ass) but instead comes across Biff sexually assaulting, practically raping Lorraine in Doc Brown's car during their school dance. Of course George fights him off and saves Lorraine and they fall in love and Marty's future is restored.
15. Rocky IV & V - "Aging Has Its Perks": In the middle of Rocky IV, Rocky leaves his then six-or-seven year old son, Rocky Jr. in Philadelphia as he goes to Russia to fight Ivan Drago. At the end of Rocky IV, you see this same six-or-seven-year-old Rocky Jr. watch on TV as Rocky defeats Drago and give his speech that practically ended the fucking Cold War in real life. So what's wrong here?
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| What cheap sorcery is this? |
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - "The Curse is Lifted All Wrong": In the final swordfight of the first (and best) Pirates of the Caribbean film, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner move to end the curse so they can kill Barbossa. The curse can only be lifted with the blood of "Bootstrap" Bill Turner, Will's father, or Will himself and every last coin put back in the chest. So why does Jack slice his hand open with the coin inside to have Will drop it in? No seriously, watch the end of the movie. Jack slices his hand with the coin inside, to signal that Jack is dousing the coin with his blood, and then he tosses it to Will to put it in the chest to end the curse. Jack's blood shouldn't do donkey dick. It should've been Will slicing his hand open.
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - "Barbossa Dies, Jack Does Not": Two plot goofs from the same movie in one list. God help us all.
So as I stated, there was already one fuck-up regarding this in the movie, but now there's a second. Will drops the coin in the chest, and then the bullet that Jack shot into Barbossa wounds him and kills him. He shot the bullet into Barbossa's chest, then the curse was lifted, then Barbossa dies. Didn't Jack get stabbed during their duel? Jack took an Aztec coin from the chest so he could be cursed too. So why isn't Jack's sword wound that Barbossa gave him opening up and killing him after the curse is lifted? Is there a time frame as to when the injuries become null and void? Don't think curses work like that. This curse has more "fine-print" than a fucking legal agreement. Jack should be dead too and there should've been no more sequels.
8. Rocky - "Blink and You Miss It": So, it goes without saying that the first Rocky film is a triumph and a masterpiece of sports drama cinema. In the final fight, Rocky gets his ass kicked in the fourteenth round real bad, so bad that Mickey has to cut his swollen eyelid open so he could see. Rocky wobbles as he rises from the stool for the fifteenth and final round. Apollo, bewildered that such an opponent would last this long and even start outboxing him, sighs as he enters the fifteenth round. It's the final three minutes to decide who's going to be heavyweight champion...
...then the fifteenth round lasts for fifty-three seconds and the bell rings. Fifty-three goddamn seconds out of three minutes and then the bell rings. They don't tell us the fight is stopped, they don't tell us anyone threw in the towel, the fight just ends. What a rip off. Right as Rocky was winning too.
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| The man on the grassy knoll shot "Nice Guy" Eddie |
9. Reservoir Dogs - "Who Shoots 'Nice Guy' Eddie?": In the ending of Reservoir Dogs, a tense talk turns into a mexican stand off. The dying Mr. Orange lies bleeding out on the floor with no gun. Joe Cabot has his gun trained on the dying Mr. Orange, whom he believes to be a cop. Mr. White has his gun trained on Joe Cabot to protect Mr. Orange, who he believes to not be a cop. To protect his father, "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot trains his gun on Mr. White. Unfortunately, things go south. Joe pulls the trigger and puts another slug into Mr. Orange. In a split-second response, Mr. White shoots Joe Cabot and kills him. "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot pulls his trigger and puts a slug into Mr. White. That seems to be everyone covered. No, it isn't, because nobody shoots "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot and kills him too. No guns were trained on him, and if you rewatch the scene you can see "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot shoot Mr. White, and then fall over and lie dead like he's been shot. Glaring plot goof if you ask me. Very glaring. Not like Tarantino to overlook something like this.
10. The Karate Kid - "No Touching of the Face": Yeah, you've heard of this one. Hell I'm sure you've pointed it out yourselves. Everybody knows about this one. It's the most glaring sin in motion pictures it seems like. In the end tournament of The Karate Kid (the good one), it is clearly stated that the entrant in a fight to knock his/her opponent in the face will be disqualified. Daniel-san decides to deliver the final blow and win the whole damn thing by kicking Johnny right in the face. Daniel-san should've been disqualified, and disqualified with haste. But nope, everyone celebrates like his kick to Johnny's face cured everybody's cancer for years to come. Bravo, Daniel-san. No wonder John Kreese was roaring pissed at the end. He got ripped off.
11. The Terminator - "The Entire Goddamn Timeline": It's true that the Terminator franchise is overwhelmingly subject to criticism over its mishandling of its own timeline. The entire franchise as a whole is a travesty in terms of its timeline. The very premise that the entire thirty-plus year franchise is based on is a glaring goof in the rules of time travel. Skynet, the world's dumbest super computer, sends a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger back through time to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor to prevent John Connor, the future leader of the resistance, from being born. This way, they will ensure their own victory. John Connor learns of this, and to protect his mother and himself, he sends back Kyle Reese, who ends up planting his seed in Sarah's rose garden that ends up sprouting into...John Connor. (I'm saying...I'm saying they had sex). So, uh-oh, Skynet fucked up. Being from the future, Skynet would surely know that Kyle Reese is John Connor's father through access to all medical record databases, so in order to truly "change the past to protect their future", Skynet should do nothing at all. Not sending the Terminator back to 1984 would not necessitate the sending of Kyle Reese to 1984, and he would never violate Sarah Connor like a parking meter and John would cease to exist in 2029, and Skynet would win. Ipso-facto, Skynet is it's own worst enemy in the entire franchise. Boom.
Man, and you thought Terminator: Genisys was the worst thing about the entire franchise.
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| The legal illegal kick |
12. Spider-Man 2 - "Ock's a Clumsy Dick": In Spider-Man 2, arguably the best Spider-Man movie put out by anybody so far, Harry Osborn convinces Doc Ock to find and bring Spider-Man to him so he can kill him, in exchange for the last bit of tritium on the planet. When Ock asks how to find Spider-Man, Harry tells him "Peter Parker". So how does Ock go to get Peter's attention? Well...how about throwing a fucking car at him through a diner window? You know that would only...kill him? Yeah, kill him. Remember, Ock doesn't even know Peter is Spider-Man yet, so to Ock, Peter's just a regular nerd with bony-stick arms who couldn't lift the toilet seat without wheezing. A fucking sedan flying through a coffee shop window and rolling to the clear back of the store would crush him, leave no trace of him, leave Ock without finding where Spider-Man is and fresh out of tritium. I mean, he could just kill Harry and take the tritium, but then what's with all this shit regarding finding Spider-Man for him?
13. Terminator 2: Judgment Day - "Only Living Tissue Can Go": Again with the Terminators and their lousy writing.
In The Terminator, Kyle Reese tells the police that a time field will only allow "living tissue" to go through. Anything dead gets vaporized, because of the "field generated by living tissue". Makes enough sense for me to not probe it for inconsistencies. That is, until the sequel rolls around. Terminator 2 has the T-1000, a bad guy made entirely of shape-shifting liquid metal alloy that only simulates the look & feel of flesh, but isn't real flesh. The T-1000 should not have been able to go through the time stream, and should have been vaporized in it, leaving the movie to be about five minutes long. What a powerhouse sequel that would've been! Arnold Schwarzenegger travels back in time, beats up bikers for clothes, and then the T-1000 gets incinerated in its own time bubble. End credits. RAVE REVIEWS, I'd say.
14. Back to the Future - "Biff's Our Best Fr--, wait.": In the 1955 events of Back to the Future, George McFly goes to the car expecting to fight off Marty molesting his own teenage mother (quite the bullet Marty chose to swallow to save his own ass) but instead comes across Biff sexually assaulting, practically raping Lorraine in Doc Brown's car during their school dance. Of course George fights him off and saves Lorraine and they fall in love and Marty's future is restored.
But why befriend Biff in the restored 1985? When Marty returns to the present, it's been altered due to his meddling in the past, and now Biff is friends with the McFly family who greets them joyfully. Did Lorraine just decide to forgive Biff for violating her in high school because she still married George anyway? What kind of sense does that make? I don't know how sexual assault recovery works, but I know it's not like that.
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| Khan "remembers" Chekov |
15. Rocky IV & V - "Aging Has Its Perks": In the middle of Rocky IV, Rocky leaves his then six-or-seven year old son, Rocky Jr. in Philadelphia as he goes to Russia to fight Ivan Drago. At the end of Rocky IV, you see this same six-or-seven-year-old Rocky Jr. watch on TV as Rocky defeats Drago and give his speech that practically ended the fucking Cold War in real life. So what's wrong here?
Well, in Rocky V, the movie opens exactly where Rocky IV ended. Rocky and Adrian are still in Russia and wrapping up after fighting Drago. They return to America after what appears to be a few days that passed. Rocky, overzealous that he's back home in the US, asks Adrian where their son is, as he's supposed to greet them as they got off their plane. Out of the crowd comes a past-puberty, high-school aged Rocky Jr. This is just a middle finger to continuity. I refuse to believe the filmmakers just overlooked this. They consciously made this error and they should feel bad. It doesn't just suspend disbelief, it takes belief out back and puts two shotgun slugs in its head and buries it next to Jimmy Hoffa.
Well that's it. Fifteen more goofs from some of your (and my) favorite movies. Now that reality has been twisted into a pretzel and has bent my very processing of real events out of whack, I must lie down with an ice pack over my head and rest before my head bursts like a tomato. Thank you for reading. I hope you had fun.
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