The Nitpick Express - Star Wars

*Gasp*

What?! Oh that's right. The Nitpicker must finish his plate! He cannot eat only three bits of food and then leave the rest to be fed to the dog. (I don't really know if that analogy makes sense, but let's go with it). Star Wars, later retitled Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope by the powers-that-be defined the summer blockbuster. Jaws invented it, Star Wars made it better. When a young filmmaker named George Lucas wanted to make a Flash Gordon adaptation, he couldn't get the rights, so this is what he made instead. How fucking insane is that?

Well, I already shit on the poor soul during the nitpicking of the Star Wars prequels, but it'd be foolish not to goad him any more. You see, all of the Star Wars movies are silly and cheesy in their own way. The originals just have an unfair right to be held above the rest, because they were made back when nobody gave a shit and expectations were so low, they rivaled Nixon's approval rating following Watergate. This is the only one that didn't have to prove anything, it was made for the sheer joy of making movies.

So without further ado, we can move forward. Let the nitpicking commence! Also George, you're the man and I love you. But dammit, I hate you sometimes.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS

presents

STAR WARS

1. The Opening Crawl: No movie had ever opened like this. The idea of the "opening crawl" from 1930's Flash Gordon serials were popularized in this movie. So much so that many movies afterwards began using text scrolls at their beginnings to catch user up on a story. None were as as epic as this.
2. Episode What?: There's no episode #. I know that means you're just absolutely butt-humping confused on where it fits in the timeline and that you feel like you can't go on, but I'll hold your hand if you promise to continue.
3. Drop Right Into Action: Star Wars rolls out the red carpet by throwing you right into a space battle the instant the opening is over.
4. "Shut down the Main Reactor": For a movie franchise hell-bent on advancing plots based on 'the destruction of main reactors', the rebel's star cruiser is literally the only ship that could have it's main reactor shut down and still have lights and...well, exist really.
5. Rebel trooper outfits: The Rebel trooper outfits had to have been conceived while George was stuck on the freeway on his way to a casting call. Snow shovel helmets, dinky blaster pistols and an ensemble of sky-blue and tan clothing. Dynamite.
6. Darth Prowse: Perhaps the most cinematic badass villain in history. All hail. He almost wasn't to be as menacing, if David Prowse got his way. Prowse's Welsh-Scottish-British accent coupled with his high-pitch voice that sounds like a four-cylinder Honda Civic low on steering fluid would've made Vader sound like a nasally wimp.
7. Breaking some Dude's Neck: In Vader's first 60-seconds of screentime, he breaks a dude's neck with his bare hand. That is some sick shit, even forty years later.
8. "I Want the Passengers Alive!": ...then why did you kill the captain? Or fire on their ship?
9. Separated, then Reunited: The first we see of C-3PO and R2-D2, they're together in a hallway. Then, for reasons totally lost on me, they break up so Leia can shove a card in R2's face to download data into his brain, then they reunite to escape. 
10. Clumsy Robotic Props: I get that in '77, building droids for a movie was a pain in the nutsack. Watching R2 roll toward the camera only to start listing to his left toward a wall due to a bum front leg assembly checks me out of movie entirely and makes me want to read up on robotic mechanics.
11. "I'm Not Getting in There!": I've only known C-3PO for two minutes and already he's on my nerves. Where's the farm boy I saw in the trailer? Does he even show up? Are we stuck with this Joan Rivers-and-her-trashcan comedy show for a couple hours?
12. "Set for Stun": A stormtrooper sees Leia, turns to his cohorts and tells them to set for stun. Leia kills one, with one shot, then runs off. They still decide to stun her, even after losing one of their own. Police officers shoot unarmed people all the time and yet the Stormtroopers are like "better stun her, just so bossman doesn't kill us".
13. "Hold Your Fire. No Lifeforms Aboard": This Imperial dickhead didn't even bother graduating from trooper-school because it doesn't cross his mind that the inanimate objects carrying the Death Star plans could've stowed away on that very escape pod...the one with no lifeforms aboard.
14. Political Jargon: George really had a hard-on for political banter in his movies. Imagine people in '77 coming into a movie and being laid out with haymaker-after-gut-punch of "Imperial-Senate-this" and "Sympathy-for-the-Rebellion-that". I get that, with an near-9000 article wiki detailing everything down to a background shrub on Endor when it comes to Star Wars existing on the web, that it makes more sense now.
15. Splitting Up: C-3PO and R2 just escaped the Empire and what's the first thing they're gonna do? Split up on the surface of an alien world they know nothing about. Who programmed these clowns?
16. C-3PO's Voicebox: C-3PO spots the Jawa sandcrawler a bajillion miles away and yells at max volume for it to rescue him. I'm no sound-ologist but I think that he'd have to yell to the point his voicebox would collapse onto itself for the Jawas to even think they heard something.
17. R2's Capture: The Jawa's decide to stun R2, capture him and turn around and sell him for money. George must've paid a little too much attention to 1800's US history.
18. "Look sir, droids!": One stormtrooper finds a penny-sized piece of the droids in the sand. I would say this is ridiculous, but when your entire planet is sand, sand of one color, anything could stick out.
19. "Wake up!": Could C-3PO really wake R2 by hitting him? Wouldn't his being-off not detect that?
20. Luke Skywhiner: Mark Hamill's performance as Luke Skywalker is...meh, at best. You get the sense that he knows what he's doing when he acts with his face, then when he starts talking and whining you realize that casting Hayden Christensen wasn't that bad after all.
21. Luke's Last Name: Question: if the point of splitting Luke and Leia up was to hide them from Vader and the Emperor, why does Luke still carry his evil father's last name? Did no one think that that might be a little bit of a giveaway? Owen and Beru didn't think "Oh gee, this kid's got the same last name as his father that killed all those people and will most likely kill him if he finds out. Let's change his name to prevent that."?
    
    It's like adopting Adolf Hitler's kid and mentoring him to overthrow and fight against his father, but still leaving his last name "Hitler".
22. Owen's Memory: Owen doesn't recognize the protocol droid that worked on his farm twenty years prior to then when purchasing him. This wouldn't piss me off so bad if it weren't for Episode II. In fact, it wouldn't even count if it weren't for Episode II. You know what? Scratch it. Fuck Episode II.
23. "But Uncle Oweeeeeeen...": Luke's belly-aching about going to Tosche Station makes me want to reach through the screen and punch him in the nose.
24. Jawas = Cons: Jawas apparently are well-known for conning people out of their money by selling them defective droids they find lying around. It's a wonder Owen even comes out to greet these fucking things without a blaster when they roll their giant house onto his property.
25. Whine, Whine, Whine: While C-3PO is taking an oil bath, Luke continues vocally playing the violin about how he can't leave the planet and go to the Imperial academy to learn to kill people. If I lived on Tatooine, a planet that's fairly hot, with no women that I can see, where all I did was farm moisture out of sand and play with toys of starfighters and service my uncle's droids for no money, drinking milk of questionable fortitude, I'd wanna kill something, too.
26. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi": Luke starts mentally masturbating to the hologram of a girl he doesn't know is his sister. Again, this scene is cute if you consider just this one movie, and again, George retroactively fucks himself by changing the story with later sequels.
27. C-3PO and Military Intel: You'd think something as important as blabbing about the Rebellion would be frowned upon and that there would be programming in C-3PO's databanks that would prevent him from spilling the beans about his mission and his past endeavors. Not so.
28. Blue milk: The milk that Beru serves to Luke and Owen is blue. I don't know what's in it. I don't want to know what's in it.
29. Owen the Asshole: Owen, who seemed like a cool cat in the prequels, became a grumpy old fart between trilogies. He quickly dismisses Obi-Wan Kenobi as a 'crazy old man', blows Luke off when he asks about his father and tells him he has to stay on another season, prolonging his suffering.
30. Beru and Valium: I don't know, it just feels like the actress who played Beru did the whole movie high on valium. It's just one of those gut feelings you get you know?
31. Twin Sunset: There's a scene where Luke walks up to a hill and looks at the twin sunset on Tatooine. This scene is nothing more than a masterpiece.
32. Runaway R2: R2 decides to go traversing the deserts of Tatooine to find Obi-Wan Kenobi himself, without knowing what he looks like, where he's at, or how to even speak to him when he finds him. Hell, how does he just assume that the Jawas won't pick him up again and sell him to somebody else? That'd really put a dent in his mission.
33. Sand people: Sand people are scary motherfuckers. I don't know what bad day caused George to dream up these things, but could he have not rested on that day?
34. Sir Ewan Alec McGuinness: So we leave behind Ewan McGregor, who loved playing Obi-Wan Kenobi, and metamorph into Alec Guinness, who detested playing Obi-Wan. In fact, watching Star Wars now, knowing full-well how much Alec Guinness hated the dialogue and the movie's effect on his career after it came out, is tragically hilarious in a way.
35. Obi-Wan's call: I don't care how you explain it to me, how you act it out, or what expanded universe backstory bullshit you cite; it still won't explain how Obi-Wan makes a whining monster-wail sound with just his mouth and waving his arms.
36. Obi-Wan Talks About Anakin: Alright, there's a ton of stuff Obi-Wan says about Luke's then-unnamed father that then gets twisted, misconstrued, or proven-false with future sequels/prequels/in-betweenquels:
    
    "He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy" (Maybe so, but other pilots could do what he could do. You're telling me they all played second-fiddle to him?)
    "...and a cunning warrior" (I can buy that, but you left out the part about the whining, the backstabbing, the nerdy pickup-lines, the arrogance and the possible bipolar disorder.)
    "Your father wanted you to have this..." (No he didn't. You took it from him after you mutilated him and left him for dead.)
    "Vader killed your father." (Vader is his father, you dimwit.)
    "...and he was a good friend." (Did you even watch your own prequels, Obi-Wan? That's just simply wrong. Twenty points off for that remark.)
    "Vader helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights" (Not unless you count the expanded universe. In Revenge of the Sith, there was barely any hunting down).
37. Luke Refusing to Go on a Quest: Luke wanted nothing more than to leave Tatooine behind and go off on an adventure. The type of an adventure he refuses to go on with Obi-Wan because 'he has work to do there'. Pick an angst and go with it.
38. Peter Cushing's Fuzzy Slippers: Peter Cushing, one of cinema's most underrated badasses, did his entire Grand Moff Tarkin role wearing bed slippers. I am dead serious.
39. Sammy Silpperyjaw: The guy who plays the Imperial officer that questions the Force in front of Vader mouths his lines like his jaw is falling off.
40. Tarkin > Vader: In what universe would a shriveled prune like Tarkin rule over and boss around a magical-wizard-Nazi like Vader? Vader has the Force and a lightsaber. Tarkin just has fuzzy slippers.
41. "Nobody Can Blow up the Death Star!": Says the guy who dies when the Death Star is blown up.
42. Peter Cushing and his R's: Peter Cushing can't stop rolling his 'R' sounds when he talks, It's that cool British acting he did in the Hammer Horror films, I'm telling you.
43. "Planet Destruction > Force": Darth Vader tells the Imperial officers not to be so impressed with the Death Star, as "the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force". That is just an incorrect statement. Very incorrect. When, in the bluest of Hell's, have you seen the Force destroy a planet? Never. That's when.
44. "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise": Obi-Wan spouts this winning number telling Luke that Stormtroopers were the ones who attacked the Jawas, not sand people. This movie, the next movie, the movie after that, the trilogy after that, and the trilogy after that...will teach you the opposite; that the Stormtroopers couldn't hit sand if they tripped and fell in a desert.
45. Luke's Burning Aunt & Uncle: The Empire literally torches Luke's home. That is some evil shit. George doesn't even relent showing you their smoldering corpses. Powerful scene. Fun fact! This is the scene that raised Star Wars's rating from G to PG.
46. Chicago Eisley: Obi-Wan's spiel about how Mos Eisley is a "wretched hive of scum and villainy" is something I paraphrase every time I go to Chicago.
47. Mind trick: Obi-Wan introduces the audience to the Jedi mind trick. My question is how long does the mind trick last? A few seconds? Forever? Is there ever a point where the stormtroopers snap out of it, realize Obi-Wan screwed with their noodles, and chase them down the street, guns blazing?
48. "We Don't Sell to Droids": I can't tell if it's prejudice or not. I mean, it makes sense. It's like serving a drink to your iPhone. I wouldn't want to waste my inventory on inanimate objects that aren't going to drink it anyway, either.
49. "He Doesn't Like You. I Don't Like You Either.": Two goons come up and hassle Luke at the bar for no other reason than 'they don't like him'. Yep. This is Chicago. Definitely Chicago.
50. Harrison Motherfucking Ford: It may have just been a joke, but Peter Griffin was right. He's literally the only actor in the entire movie who's career didn't take a downward spiral after this movie came out. You can make the argument that Hamill and Earl Jones been went on to have great voice acting careers and Carrie Fisher went on to become Carrie Fisher, but you also can't argue against this success story.
51. Parsecs: Yes, yes. It's a measure of distance, not time. George actually tried later to use science to explain this gaff. I don't really care.
52. Obi-Wan's haggling: So...where did Obi-Wan learn to haggle? Seriously? Han offers to fly them to Alderaan for 'ten thousand'. Obi-Wan then offers 'two thousand', but 'fifteen thousand more when we we reach Alderaan' which is seven thousand more than what he would've had to pay had he agreed to Han's initial price. Dipshit.
53. Han Shot First: I can't believe there are people in the world who are allowed to breathe the same air that I am who adamantly believe that Han didn't shoot first. How did something so trivial and meaningless get blown this out of proportion?! It's shouldn't even be up for debate. The version of the film from '77, that existed well into the 90's, showed Han not only shooting first, but being the only one who shoots. It couldn't be any clearer than that. Jesus, people.
54. "Sorry about the mess": After gunning down Greedo in cold-blood (like a badass) Han flips some kind of currency to the bartender and says "sorry about the mess" like the certified wrecker-of-your-shit that he is.
55. The Millennium Falcon: The single greatest space ship in the history of pop-culture. Moving on.
56. Banana Nose: You never see or hear from the Imperial spy with a dick for a nose after this movie. You see him twice, watch him sell-out the heroes' positions, then he disappears forever. Where's the Expanded Universe novel or unnecessary Disney anthology film based on that guy's life?
57. "I know some of maneuvers": Han tells Luke and Obi-Wan that he "knows some maneuvers" and can get away from the Star Destroyers. Han then begins driving directly to the left while the Star Destroyers pummel the Millennium Falcon with blaster fire. Those are some maneuvers.
58. Grand Moff's Short Fuse: Princess Leia is brought to the Death Star and in front of Peter Cushing, where he tells her she's going to blow up her home planet if she doesn't tell him where the secret Rebel base is, which is a tad extreme.
59. Kinda British: When she's trying to belittle Tarkin for apparently smelling bad, Carrie Fisher decides to go "kinda British" on him. Fisher has noted this in interviews with a humorous touch, so it's not really anything more than mildly amusing.
60. "Wookies are known to do that": When Chewbacca goes apeshit after R2 makes a move that kills one of Chewbacca's chess-things, C-3PO argues that it was a fair move. Han then says "it's not wise to upset a wookie, because they rip people's arms out of their sockets when they lose" as "Wookies are known to do that". Not only does this make Chewbacca look like a sore loser, but it's also false. There's no point in any film where you see Chewie, or any Wookie, tear a person's arms out.
61. "Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them": How do eyes deceive people? I know if I see something in my peripherals, only to jerk my head around, do a double-take and realize what I saw wasn't really there, I know that's just basic human nature. That's no excuse to blindfold your trainee while a remote probe shoots at them. Are Jedi stupid or something?
62. "Stretch Out with Your Feelings": Alright, Jedi are stupid. Their methods of training people are even stupider. How the hell do students of the Jedi Order (us nerds know them as Padawans) not go ballistic-insane when given this command? This way of training someone, to "stretch out with their feelings" is the equivalent of entering '14' on an online math problem with the answer of '14', and still getting the problem marked wrong. There's no possible way this makes any sense. "Stretching out with my feelings" while something is shooting at me is just a blatantly poor training method to get your Padawan killed. Period.
63. Lightsaber > Blaster: After Luke gets shot by the remote probe, Han says "Hokey religions ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." The lightsaber would cut Han's blaster in half and the Force would crush his bones into dust. Han doesn't get out as much as we are led to believe he does.
64. Not believing in the Force: Luke questions Han's inability to believe in the Force, despite the fact Luke didn't even know the Force existed two hours ago.
65. Arriving at Alderaan: This entire scene, from exiting hyperspace to getting captured by the Death Star, is pure greatness. Every line is classic. The emotion in the scene is felt very much. The tension is great. The conversation feels natural and alarming. The acting is superb. Literally everything about this scene is perfect. I could watch it on repeat.
66. "Send a scanning crew aboard": Vader demands a scanning crew be sent aboard the Falcon to find anyone who may be on board, which is something that using the Force would easily tell him.
67. The scanner: The "scanner" that the scanning crew takes aboard is the size of a college dorm-room footlocker and looks like it weighs about a hundred pounds.
68. Gullible Stormtroopers: The stormtroopers get pranked by the heroes when they beat up the scanning crew. The only thing missing was them taking a pie in the face.
69. Obi-Wants to Die: Obi-Wan goes running off into the Death Star to disable the tractor beam holding the Falcon in the Death Star without any kind of costume. The hallways are all grey and sterile, and somewhere there's a blatantly obvious, elderly space-monk sneaking around in brown, one color the bad guys don't wear. It's like he wants to die.
70. Conning the Adventure: When R2 discovers the location of Princess Leia in the Death Star, Luke cons, literally cons Han and Chewbacca into coming along with him to save her, by promising them HER money. Luke would sell his own mother just to have an adventure.
71. Mouse droid: I was told by my dad that the little mouse droid rolling on the ground in the Death Star was a Lost in Space electronic chariot toy spray-painted all black. Not only that, but it's scared by Wookie roars, as Chewbacca demonstrates for us.
72. Cell Block 1138: Ahh, a reference to THX 1138, George's one movie no one ever saw. In American Graffiti, John Milner had a  license plate that said "THX 138" and now Star Wars has cell-block 1138. While it's nothing more than a reference, you also have to take it seriously. Just what in the hell is the Death Star doing with that many cell blocks?
73. Stormtrooper hitting his head: There's a well-known movie goof when the Stormtroopers come in to search for the captives. One of them that does so conks his head on the door. He does so so audibly that it's ridiculously difficult not to notice. For a guy who's so hell-bent on updating these movies to wipe-out any errors, mistakes, goofs, bloopers and everything in between, why the shit does Lucas leave this one intact?
74. Princess Bitchface: Luke, Han and Chewie bust their asses and risk their lives to save the Princess in the cell block. A Princess whose first question to Luke degrades him for his diminuitive stature. Then she chastises Han for "cutting off their only escape route". They should've just left her in her cell. Nuts to being a good samaritan. Hell, the prequels would prove she's not even a real princess anyhow, so who's bullshitting who?
75. Chewbacca's Costume: Chewbacca spends the entire trash compactor scene standing on a platform in the corner since the production could only afford one yak-hair body costume and couldn't let this one get tarnished by the dirty water....just in case you were wondering.
76. The Only One Left: When Vader tells Grand Moff Tarkin that Obi-Wan Kenobi is on the Death Star, Tarkin scoffs saying "You, my friend, are all that's left of <the Jedi's> religion". It's acceptable that Tarkin didn't know about Kenobi, or Yoda, or any of the other Jedi that the EU saved...but he sure as hell forgot about the Emperor. 
77. Chewie the coward: Chewbacca hears a noise after they escape the trash compactor and runs off in fright. Something that'll rip people's arms out of sockets if they they lose a game of space-chess is terrified of a minor growl he heard in a trash compactor.
78. Deactivating the Tractor beam: Obi-Wan just goes to show us how disgustingly easy it is to deactivate a tractor beam.
79. Slapstick routine: The very instant the heroes run into a squad of Stormtroopers, Han shoots one dead. The others don't gun him and his friends down, but turn around and run off. Han and Chewie give chase, only to get scared and run off their other direction. This whole thing is like a comedy routine.
80. Luke and Leia and the Chasm: This scene is also a motion-picture classic. The music while Luke's shooting at stormtroopers is superb. The only thing is Luke shooting the bridge controls before he and Leia can escape...like a dumbass.
81. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader: Yes, yes, we know; the lightsaber duel, the first for the franchise, is the dullest and most mundane one of them all. Instead of it being the epic Mustafar rematch, it devolves into two old men poking each other with sticks. Alec Guinness didn't get the idea of doing a swordfight and the lenses in David Prowse's Vader helmet practically made him blind.
82. Hamill Squeal: When Obi-Wan gets struck down, Hamill's lets out a cackling squeal that could be misconstrued as a "No!"
83. Stormtroopers Are Blind: Luke stands there as Stormtroopers fire at him. Each one missing more gloriously than the last. They're a mere sixty feet away and can't even come close to injuring him.
84. TIE Fighter Attack: There's a scene just after our heroes escape where four TIE Fighters attack the Falcon, leaving Han and Luke to defend the ship in ventral and dorsal gunner positions. Again, nothing short of a masterpiece of classic cinema. Absolutely captivating, even forty years later. Downright genius.
85. Cardboard Starfighters: When the heroes arrive at the rebel base on Yavin IV, many of the starfighters you see are cardboard cutouts. Makes you wonder what the budget for the rebellion either is or how they even manage to pull these battles off.
86. Luke's One-Up: There's nothing I hate more than a one-upper. Somebody who just has to have the last laugh in every conversation topic. Luke Skywalker dissing this pilot's honest statement by one-upping him is no exception.
87. Han the Force be With You: Luke tries to coax Han to join the Death Star battle. Han blows him off, but also tries to smooth things over with Luke by saying "May the Force be with You". It's like if a religious individual invited me to church, then I said "no, fuck church" but then said "but peace be with you."
88. Rebel Innuendo: The first thing after introducing all the wings, Wedge Antilles takes one look at the Death Star and says "look at the size of that thing". Because I'm ungodly immature, that is probably the funniest thing to say just as you're going to fight the biggest weapon the Empire has to offer.
89. Porkins: There's a morbidly obese Rebel pilot, complete with a double-chin, and the Star Wars lexicon calls him "Porkins". That is just fucking hilarious.
90. Vader Does it Himself: As soon as he sends the "crews to their fighters", he then turns to two other pilots and says "come with me" and proceeds to leave the Death Star and go to fight the rebel fleet. Vader, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, humbles himself and leaves himself open for easy annihilation by jumping into a vulnerable starfighter and flying around the vacuum of space.
91. Death Star in-Range: The Death Star first says it's going to be in range in about thirty minutes. Six minutes later, Yavin IV is in range and ready to be destroyed. This isn't even the worst time-related sin in movies, but it's certainly the worst one in Star Wars.
92. Luke's One Lucky Motherfucker: The entire final scene where Luke's two co-pilots ditch him and leave him to the jaws of Vader, Luke has literally everything go right for him. Obi-Wan talks to him through his brain, so he turns off his targeting computer because Kenobi tells him to trust himself to use the Force. So Vader is left several moments to fire one shot and blow up Luke's X-Wing. The first shot just destroys R2. Vader then doesn't fire again for several more seconds. Just as he's getting ready to get another lock and fire, Han shows up and blows up one of Vader's buddies. Vader's other buddy freaks out and flies into Vader's TIE Fighter, sending him hurtling through space at an uncontrollable spin. Luke, then on a complete fucking whim, fires a proton torpedo and manages to sink one directly into the exhaust port. Sure enough, the entire station goes up in a giant explosion and Luke flies off not admitting that he's the luckiest dude in the whole freakin' galaxy.
93. Miscounted Pilots: When Luke blows up the Death Star, only he, Wedge and Han/Chewie make it away from the battle. Yet, for some reason, there's a Y-Wing that flies away from battle that none of them piloted. Who the hell is that guy?!
94. Vader in the middle of nowhere: Vader eventually gets control of his PIE Fighter and flies off into space. He's literally eons away from anywhere in the galaxy. I sure hope he brought a bag of chips or something.
95. "Carrie!": When Luke lands in the Rebel base, Leia runs up to him and they embrace. Leia calls out "Luke!". Luke calls out "Carrie!" Props to Carrie Fisher for not breaking character and punching Hamill in the gut for being such a yutz.
96. Matte painting rebels: As Han, Chewbacca and Luke approach the stage for their medals, a majority of the rebels are nothing more than a part of the background; painted in to seemlessly blend in with the live actors.
97. No Medal for Chewbacca: Then there's the big one. Chewbacca doesn't get a medal for co-piloting Han in the twelve seconds they were in the Death Star battle. No, it doesn't seem fair. At least Chewie got to stick it to them by getting the last word in the movie; a long, gutteral roar.

Well, that was fun. Only 97 nitpicks. Star Wars is truly an American classic, but you can't ignore the fact that it's got some pretty hilarious parts in it, whether intentionally funny or ironically funny. Whether you laugh at it or with it...or mostly at it...you still have to marvel at it. It's a great flick to sit and watch whenever you want to escape from the crummy world you live in. I mean, hey! At least it didn't get any stupider.

PSYCHE. There's special edition changes we have to nitpick! Quit your back-tabbing in your browser! We've got more to cover!

THE NITPICK EXPRESS

presents

STAR WARS, Episode IV - A New Hope: Special Edition

1. Episode #: Yes, yes. Never fear, my OCD-ridden followers. It has it's episode # now.
2. Title: That's right. It also has a title. "A New Hope". Remember that this is a title George had to come up with on the fly in 1981 after Empire came out. Vague, but mysterious. I dig it.
3. Additional Forces: George went back and thought that there weren't enough stormtroopers that went down to retrieve the droids. Adding in a few more, plus a mobile Dewback, plus a transport taking off in the distance made it plenty clear how imperative finding the droids were. Not that the new stormtroopers don't say anything rather. The point is still verbally made by the two that existed in the first place.
4. New Sandcrawler: I'll buy that this was a necessary shot. The new sandcrawler looks great. Better than the Tyco R/C one that was used in '77.
5. Approaching Mos Eisley: Why the fuck does George cram so much shit on screen. It's like a kid who's just found his dad's gun and wants to wield it in front of his friends. Plus, now all he can ever talk about are guns. Everytime you want to look elsewhere at something else? There he is spinning his gun and play-firing it at you. Lucas shoves so much attention-stealing-shit in your face and down your throat. He must not even understand that using these new CGI-special effects for a movie made in '77 would contrast terribly. It sucks you right out of the movie when you go "Oh that's a change", "that's a change", "that's different".
6. Greedo Shooting First: This one just pissed so many people off. You take the edge off of Star Wars and Han Solo by doing this. Han goes from a ruthless smuggler that you didn't mess with to a polite smuggler that only defends himself. This is another change I'm sure George really didn't even think about. In a manner of speaking, it can be argued acceptable to have Greedo shoot first (though you destroy a character's previously established personality by doing so), but there's two problems that arise from this change.
1. Greedo Misses at Point-Blank-Range: Greedo is sitting not two feet from Han Solo and misses way to the left of his head. How are you going to send a bounty hunter to confront the man who owes you a ton of money and pick one that can't shoot straight, or is legally blind...or both?
2. Han's Other Ruthless Characteristics: How can you make the change to have Han be a good guy by not shooting first, but still just ignore the fact that Han and Chewie run illegal substances underneath everyone's noses across the galaxy. Smuggling is also illegal. Are you trying to make him a smuggler with a heart of gold? Hey, if becoming a Rebel general in the next two films don't prove that he has a heart of gold after all, I don't know what the fuck will.
7. Jabba the Hutt: Including the Jabba scene was entirely redundant. Anyone who knows the filmmaking history behind Star Wars knows that, because the special effects couldn't do the Jabba scene justice at the time, they decided to dump it, take all the exposition in that scene and stick it in the Greedo scene. So in the original movie, you get the point across that Han owes Jabba money, and Jabba wants it back, all from Greedo's confrontation. Then, they decide to just stick the original Jabba scene back into the movie. So now you have two scenes telling you the exact same stuff: Han owes Jabba money and Jabba's looking to collect. PLUS, Greedo is in the background of the Jabba scene. After Han supposedly shot him. What the shit?!
8. Boba Fett: In that same scene, they insert Boba Fett. I have no problem with this one. I just know it was fan-service and nothing else.
9. Falcon Takes Flight: At least the Millennium Falcon looks cool during take-off now.
10. Biggs: There's a scene inserted late in the movie where Luke runs into his friend Biggs, who apparently is now a rebel and ready to launch an assault on the Death Star. This is actually a good change, considering how it adds depth to the line "it'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home" the Death Star assault. I mean, in the original cut, you didn't have a clue what Luke was even referring to or who Biggs even was.
11. Still No Medal for Chewie: All that tampering, changing, aligning, connecting, editing, splicing, re-doing and still no medal for Chewie. You know what? Fuck you, George.

...but thanks for these movies, by the way.

Okay. Now I'm done.

The Nitpick Express - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Good evening.

They say that the end of a trilogy is usually the weakest point. While Revenge of the Sith certainly dismantled that notion, it still does have several noticeably weak points or silly points. The movie that is often seen as the Godsend of the prequels, the one that made up for the other two, couldn't be complete without several prevalent Lucasisms that are running rampant. I'm here to give you a taste of these Lucasisms. An emotionally broken man who endured not only one, but two fierce fan backlashes up to this point, and was willing to come back and make the final entry himself, is a man not to be trifled with.

Maybe throughout all of this, we find that Lucas is some kind of arthouse genius. Maybe Lucas does make works of art that are simply misunderstood by the common man. Maybe Lucas has the talent and the know-how to go the distance and bring home the Oscar gold. Hell, the original cut of Star Wars won seven Oscars. Lucas could've been the next Hitchcock.

Or maybe his career that started off strong and promising went full merchandise-mode and and died off like a dud of a 4th of a July popcorn fart. I'll let you be the judge.

DISCLAIMER: Most of these nitpicks will be done for fun. Some of them are genuine complaints about the movie, but most of them will be just me being a dork. You'll be able to tell which ones.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS
presents
STAR WARS Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

1. Title: George finishes his epic trilogy of feature-length toy commercials by borrowing from his first title for Return of the Jedi, and just swapping faction names.
2. War!: I don't care who you are, you cannot read the first word of the opening crawl and not follow it up with "What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Sing it again, yo!"
3. Opening Shot: The opening shot of Revenge of the Sith is nothing short of great. The two Jedi starfighters piloted by Anakin and Obi-Wan flying towards a common goal coupled with John Williams's epic score. The imagery was staggering to the point that you genuinely wondered what the fuck George was doing in the other two movies.
4. A thousand starships: Oh nevermind, there's literally a thousand space ships in this space-battle. Just when you thought it wasn't going to be over-the-top.
5. Anakin's update: Anakin went from a pimple-faced, socially-inept dillweed, to a mildly-buff, somewhat Cali beach bod in the span of three years. He even has an indiscriminate scar. 
6. Obi-Wan's update: ...and all Obi-Wan did was shave his mullet into an Alec Guinness 'do. 
7. The clones: Have I mentioned yet that I don't care for the Clones? There's so many Temeura Morrison's in the space battle, I don't see how I could get emotionally attached.
8. *Name* Droids: This movie was notorious for naming each new droid that we hadn't seen before, just like literally every toy commercial. The only thing missing is two little kids holding each ship and saying 'wow!' every time one blows the other up.
9. Obi-Wan's piloting: Obi-Wan...just sucks at piloting. He flies like a one hundred-year-old blindfolded chimp with Parkinson's disease.
10. Hit the buzz droid's center eye: When Obi-Wan tells R2 how to kill the buzz droid, I just feel like it hearkens back to Peppy Hare telling the player how to kill a boss in Star Fox 64. If they ever do a Star Fox movie, Peppy needs Ewan McGregor to voice him.
11. I have a bad feeling about this: In the original trilogy and Phantom Menace, this line is inserted whenever a character anticipates something bad is going to happen. In Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, it is inserted as the characters stare death right in the face. Of course you have a bad feeling when you're about to die.
12. The Droid's Voices: You get the feeling that being trashed by nerds since '99 just inhibited George's will to give a shit. You get the feeling even more when you hear what type of voice George settled on for the battle droids in Revenge of the Sith.
13. R2's Cell Phone: What is the point of giving R2 a cell phone to talk to them with? He's a droid. He can just communicate through an internal radio, can't he?
14. Archie Kenobi and Edith Skywalker: These two fight like an old married couple. I get that now the story wants to delve into Obi-Wan and Anakin's friendship, but the way they do it alternates between two frat boys joking about a mutual friend (R2) or an old crotchety married couple who can't agree on what to eat for supper.
15. Droid Grammar: Between The Phantom Menace and Revenge of the Sith, the droids' grammar has tanked. Two super battle droids are tampering with Obi-Wan's crashed starfighter when one hears R2's cell phone going off (great plan, Obi-Wan). "What that?" one asks, and "Get back to work. That nothin'" the other replies.
16. Christopher Lee: The fact that Christopher Lee came back for another round as Dooku is great. The fact that he dies like a punk bitch is not so great. Dooku couldn't have been one of those characters to escape and live in the realms of the Expanded Universe?
17. Palpatine Fools Everybody: How in the name of fuck can Palpatine still manage to fool everyone? He's not even pretending to panic being the captor of General Grievous and Count Dooku. Nobody even catches a whiff that he's a sneaky bastard when he demonically tells Anakin to kill Dooku. I guess nobody decided that an old man persuading a young Jedi to kill people in cold blood would throw up a red flag in any way.
18. "My Powers Have Doubled": I guess Jedi are now Saiyans out of Dragon Ball Z, with 'power levels' that can be calculated numerically and 'double' or 'triple' in size.
19. Open for Attack: During the duel, it's 2-on-1 Obi-Wan/Anakin vs. Dooku, and yet there are points during the lightsaber fight where, while one is dueling Dooku, another one can strike or maim Dooku and easily end the duel. Instead they stand there like bad guys shooting at Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando...totally inept on how to use their weapons.
20. Obi-Wan's titanium spine: Unbreakable spines must be a trait for everybody in Star Wars. Dooku uses the Force to drop a balcony on top of an unconscious Obi-Wan's back. A while later, Obi-Wan wakes up and walks around just fine, narrowly avoiding life in a wheelchair...or I guess hoverchair since this is Star Wars.
21. Leave Him Behind: Another instance where an obviously-evil Palpatine makes plenty of hints at the fact by suggesting Anakin and he leave Obi-Wan behind, and of course, an entirely oblivious Anakin blows him off and carries Obi-Wan with him.
22. Artificial Gravity: During the space battle, the droid's ship was struck by a turret and begins nose-diving toward the planet below. Inside, people begin fighting to stay upright at an increasingly slanted angle. Wouldn't they float? I'm no scientist, but I'm 99.99% sure you'd float off the floor in space if the ship began falling toward a planet below.
23. Slippery Jedi: When Obi-Wan and Anakin are captured by Grievous and brought before him, they are in his captivity for approximately forty-five-ish seconds, before Force-pulling lightsabers and breaking free again.
24. Mr. Escape: In the theme of everyone avoiding capture, Anakin and Obi-Wan corner Grievous, who decides to smash the window to the bridge and flee into the vacuum of space so he can escape again. If you follow the backstory of Grievous, this is only like the seven-hundredth time he's avoided capture. Tommy Lee hung onto his virginity better than the Jedi hung onto Grievous.
25. Grievous!: After Grievous escapes, he finagles his way into an escape pod and launches all the other escape pods, leaving the Jedi stranded. Anakin informs Obi-Wan of this, who just retorts "Grievous!" You know...as if someone else jettisoned the pods.
26. Splitting Hairs: When Obi-Wan asks Anakin if he can pilot a cruiser like this, Anakin tries to reply with a joke, saying "Do you mean 'do I know how to land what's left of this thing'?" Just shut up and answer the goddamn question.
27. Sarcasm, Ho!: When the back half of the cruiser breaks off during the descent, Anakin turns to Obi-Wan and just dryly says "We lost something", to which Obi-Wan replies "Don't worry. We're still flying half a ship". Is this Star Wars or an Abbott and Costello comedy routine?
28. Columbia disaster: Every time I watch the droid ship hurtling into the atmosphere of Coruscant, I can't help but be reminded of the footage of the Columbia burning up in the atmosphere of Earth. That only happened less than two years before this movie came out. Too soon, George.
29. Aerial firefighters: The Republic decides to waste precious manpower and resources using aerial firefighting cruisers to put out the fire of the incoming cruiser, even though it's going to soon end up in a fiery crash anyway.
30. Another Happy Landing: Once the cruiser comes to a complete stop and rests, Obi-Wan turns to Anakin and sarcastically says "...another happy landing" and smirks. Funny, but ten seconds prior you hit a control tower and no doubt killed a few dozen people in your crash. 'Happy' isn't the word I'd choose. 'Tragic', 'deadly', 'destructive' or 'reckless' are some that come to mind.
31. Millennium Falcon: Way off in the distance as they approach the capital, you can see a ship eerily similar to the Millennium Falcon. This one you can decide on your own, except when you hear that a ten-year-old Han Solo was supposed to cameo on Kashyyyk later in the movie, i therefore becomes reasonable to assume that, yeah, that's the Millennium Falcon.
32. Compliment Contest: After dropping Palpatine off at the capital, Obi-Wan and Anakin spend ninety-seconds verbally jerking each other off about how great they are.
33. Lucas Cameo: George Lucas "cameos" as an ugly, blue pile of vomit that stands behind Palpatine as he talks to Samuel L. Jackson. I use "cameo" lightly, as Lucas obviously just digitally slapped his facial features onto a CG model.
34. Highest Priority: When Palpatine says that Dooku dying made Grievous the leader of the droid army, Mace Windu says "we will make finding Grievous our highest priority". Okay? It wasn't your highest priority already?
35. 'scuse Me': Doth my ears deceive me, or do I hear one faint line from Jar Jar Binks here? You certainly see Jar Jar in the background here, but he says 'scuse me' faintly as everyone walks past Windu. Just one line reminds you that yes, he does exist, and no, he's not dead yet.
36. Jimmy Smits: This movie had a severe lack of Jimmy Smits, despite the fact he is an integral part of the climax. Smits should've just been the star of the movie.
37. Padme in the Shadows: The first we see of Padme, she lurks Anakin in the shadows as he talks to Senator Organa. An interesting choice of introduction for her character.
38. Preggo her Eggo: During the hug, Padme tells Anakin that she's pregnant. Something he, for some reason, couldn't feel when he picked her up because in the next scene, she's already pretty-well into pregnancy.
39. CGI Screensaver: The establishing shot for Anakin and Padme's penthouse would make a kick-ass screensaver.
40. I Wanna Know What Love Is: During this discussion on the balcony, Anakin and Padme discuss about how they'll fix up the baby's room on Naboo. Anakin immediately derails the conversation by telling Padme that "she's so beautiful", and what follows is more verbal diarrhea leftovers from Attack of the Clones that only head-honcho Lucas could conjure:
    
    PADME: It's only because I'm so in love. (Your beauty is predicated on your love for someone else?)
    ANAKIN: No *chuckles* No, it's because I'm so in love with you! (A clumsy, yet effective comeback)
    PADME: So love has blinded you? (Are you seriously calling the guy who just called you beautiful "blind"?)
    ANAKIN: ...well that's not exactly what I meant. (You didn't say anything that couldn't have meant anything else).
    PADME: It's probably true. (Seriously. What the fuck is being discussed here? I wanna tear my goddamn hair out!)
    
    Yeah. Pretty bad.
41. More Nightmare Shit: After that "touching" display, Anakin has a nightmare of Padme dying in childbirth. Rapidly switching emotional tones is something these movies are good at.
42. Scaring the Hell out of Padme: Anakin describes the nightmares to his pregnant wife as "the ones I had before my mother died, and these were about you". You're supposed to comfort your wife, you dumb fuck, not scare the bejesus out of her!
43. Yoda's Cold Logic: Anakin has a secret conference with Yoda, describing his dreams to him. Yoda just tells him to "forget about those you love so that you don't have to mourn them when they die", to simply "rejoice when they become one with the Force". Yoda has the vibe of someone who got exiled by his entire family for being an arrogant, cold-hearted prick.
44. Anakin the Oversleeper: Anakin stumbles into a lecture too late and says that he was "delayed". Any college kid can relate to this, except Anakin's still wearing matching shoes and doesn't smell like complete ass.
45. Instant Lack of Trust: No more then twenty minutes after he stuck his neck out for the Chancellor, Obi-Wan demonstrates a distrust of Palpatine. Only now.
46. Personal Jedi Representative: Palpatine, further obviously lamenting he's got a hidden, evil agenda to everyone but a dimwitted Anakin, appoints him to be his personal representative on the Jedi Council. What would learning about Jedi affairs possibly add to his scheme to kill all the Jedi?
47. "I'm Overwhelmed": Anakin uses that traditional Hayden Christensen tone-of-voice to deliver this line, not sounding very overwhelmed at all.
48. Belligerent Jedi: As expected, Anakin's appointment to the Council is met with overwhelmingly negative responses. All they had to do was say no to avoid a catastrophe but hey, the we wouldn't have the Original Trilogy, so who am I to talk?
49. Good Relations with Wookies: I can't even begin to guess how Yoda and the Wookies have 'good relations'. I'm sure the EU can tell me, but it's also the EU and I don't have time or the patience to dig through that library-sized encyclopedia to find out the answer to a not-so-important question.
50. The Jedi Fuck Themselves: Now, this one's going to be long. I believe the Jedi have given up on being smart, informed and overall-perceptive as a whole. These are people who can be viewed as being at their wits end over who's trying to kill them. They've killed two Sith Lords and the dark side of the Force continues to shroud everything. They begin to suspect Palpatine, but they need someone to spy on him and report back as to what he's planning.
    
    They look to Anakin, who has frequently displayed bouts of rage, impatience, desires for more power, hissy-fits, ranting outbursts temper-tantrums and everything in-between. He's clearly been shown to be a most volatile, unstable Jedi with a bad attitude hidden by a good nature. The Jedi select this guy to monitor Palpatine's doings to learn what he's up to. Why? Based on a foundation of pre-existing  friendship and trust. If you suspect a guy of being evil and trying to kill you and your whole clan, would you seriously recruit your most ill-equipped, arrogant, pissed-off individual who just so happens to cherish his friendship with the evil guy to do so? Fuck no you wouldn't. Not unless Lucas was trying to find a way to kill you off before the original trilogy starts.
51. My Point: Sure enough, once Obi-Wan informs Anakin of the Jedi wanting him to spy on his friend, Anakin becomes a grumpy jerk about it. This plan has absolutely no holes in it, whatsoever.
52. Mace Windu Gets It: During a gunship ride, Obi-Wan tells Mace Windu and Yoda that Anakin "didn't take to his new assignment with much enthusiasm". Mace Windu then blatantly says what we're all thinking: "It's very dangerous putting the two of them together. I don't think the boy can handle it, and I don't trust him." Well then, why in Abraham Lincoln's rustic asshole did you greenlight the plan to-- oh nevermind.
53. Misread Prophecy: When Obi-Wan suggests that Anakin isn't the one to bring balance to the Force, Yoda suggests the "prophecy could've been misread". Yoda further hints at the Jedi being royally butt-ass-awful at their jobs.
54. Accusations, Ho!: After getting underminded by the Jedi, Anakin goes home to his comforting wife, who then asks him to also interfere with the Chancellors affairs, but for her benefit. Anakin can't catch a break. The icing on the cake? He accuses the woman he loves of "sounding like a separatist". 
55. Let's Go to the Opera: There's a scene where Anakin invades Palpatine's night out at the opera. Of course I use the term "opera" oddly because it's actually something that looks like a live representation of semen penetrating the outer layer of the ovary embryo.
56. "Leave Us": Palpatine has to discuss something with Anakin, and sends his cohorts away, regardless of whether or not they wanted to finish watching the show or not. It'd be even worse if they're the ones who got Palpatine the tickets to it.
57. Weirdly-Timed News: Anakin doesn't question the fact that nobody knows where General Grievous is hiding, but then Palpatine just so happens to tell him that the "clone recon" people have located him in the Utapau system. Anakin just blindly believes him. Can the Jedi detect lies, or just fucking influence microscopic organisms to create life itself? I'm having trouble gauging the strength and usefulness of their powers.
58. "Unnatural Powers": When Anakin asks if the Chancellor's story is true, Palpatine utters that "the dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural". Aside from being another red flag, this line is stupid. I guess moving stuff with your mind, leaping out of speeders and landing on other speeders miles down, and deflecting blaster bolts with a laser sword in the blink of an eye are 'very natural' compared to 'shooting lightning bolts from your fingertips'.
59. The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis: So, you've probably noticed that a number of red flags with Palpatine are raised throughout the movie, and this is a majority of them. Anakin, in his infinite obliviousness, chooses to ignore them all. Palpatine, randomly I might add, breaks into a story about how there was once a Sith Lord named Darth Plagueis who could influence the biological organisms known as Midichlorians (sigh) to create life, just as Anakin is having a crisis about whether or not his wife will survive childbirth. How does Palpatine know such a Sith legend? Isn't it obvious he's playing this Plagueis guy's powers up to tempt you in some way? He even blatantly tells you after he tempts you that you can't learn that power from a Jedi. Whether it's a lie used to tempt him, or Palpatine actually telling Anakin of story of something that actually happened, Anakin's still too much of a moron to sense any of the "bad mojo" that practically radiates off of the Chancellor.
60. The Chancellor suggests: Anakin tells the Jedi Council that the Chancellor has requested that he leads the campaign to Utapau to capture Grievous. In perhaps the smartest thing they've done this entire trilogy, the Jedi say 'no' and send Obi-Wan instead.
61. Wookies!: This movie features many wookies in a climactic battle with droids on the planet of Kashyyyk. Of course, knowing Lucas, he probably filmed about three wookies and then endlessly digitally duplicated them endlessly to create an 'army'.
62. Chewbacca: Chewbacca is shoe-horned into this movie most likely because Lucasfilm was short one character on its "required action figures" quota. 
63. "Wild Bantha Chase": When Anakin tells Obi-Wan that he wishes he was going with him, Obi-Wan says not to worry as it 'may just be a wild bantha chase'. So, in Star Wars, Bantha = goose.
64. Obi-Wan compliments: As they part, Obi-Wan tells Anakin that he's "become an even greater Jedi than he (Obi) could ever hope to be". Then Anakin turns to the dark side. Obi-Wan probably felt pretty good at that point.
65. Temuera Morrison: Speaking of "endlessly duplicated", we have a shot where Obi-Wan is discussing his plan to capture Grievous with Commander Cody, one of the clones played by Temuera Morrison. Behind Cody are four or more clones, all also played by Morrison. If he wanted to make blank and financially take Lucas to the cleaners, he should've charged per digital recreation.
66. Lust for Power: Once again, following another premonition of Padme's death, Anakin breaks into another whining frenzy of "I'm not powerful enough" and "I want more", and again, it's poor Padme that is stuck having to listen to him.
67. Padme's Calm Attitude: Even after having two Jedi premonitions of her dying, Padme doesn't seem affected by this at all, even though it could very well mean certain death. Either she doesn't believe it'll happen or she's welcoming it because it'll mean she doesn't have to live with Anakin anymore.
68. Wookies & Chewbacca: Yoda, meanwhile, decides to go visit Kashyyyk and fight alongside the Wookies. He even meets Chewbacca! Which... doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because Han Solo, Chewie's future companion, didn't believe in the Force when we first met him. Surely on long space trips Chewie would have mentioned... something about fighting with the Jedi during the Clone Wars, but on the other hand, if we didn't include this Chewbacca scene, then George wouldn't have been able to sell Chewbacca figures when the movie came out.
69. Holes: Ever see the movie Holes? That's Utapau. Literally a planet full of holes.
70. Carseat face: Obi-Wan lands on the planet and the first person to greet him would scare the shit out of the Grim Reaper. He's got crooked teeth, a growly voice, probably shit breath and has skin that looks like it's made up of Honda upholstery.
71. Ugly-chicken-horse-lizard: The type of transportation that Obi-Wan chooses to get up to the tenth level is a creepy mutated iguana-rooster that looks like Buckbeak visited a gay bar.
72. Nute Gunray: This fucker is still not dead?! You'd think with him being the be-all, end-all villain in the prequels as opposed to Palpatine, the Jedi would be more focused on him as opposed to Grievous.
73. "Hello there!": Ewan McGregor no-doubt ad-libbed this line and made his entrance supreme.
74. Manipulation 101: Throughout the entire movie, Palpatine manipulates Anakin to join the dark side like a jealous girlfriend manipulates her guy-friend that she has a crush on to break up with another girl and be with her. He's not even the least-bit subtle about it. "The Jedi didn't make you a master? Oh! That's because they don't trust you!"
75. Anakin, the Weak: Palpatine flat-out reveals that he's the Sith Lord they've been looking for and Anakin doesn't kill him...continuing to sink to new depths of stupidity.
76. Four Lightsabers: To make the idea of the lightsaber duel less about emotional depth and more about over-the-top toys, Grievous just so happens to multiply his arms and wield four lightsabers to Obi-Wan's one. Obi-Wan still beats him, so four lightsabers makes no difference whatsoever.
77. Unicycle vs. Lizard: Obi-Wan's mutated green iguana somehow keeps up with Grievous's one-wheeled vehicle, neck and neck.
78. Anakin is Left Out: Anakin informs the Jedi Council and Samuel L. that Palpatine is the Sith Lord they've been looking for. Samuel L. leaves him behind, takes three other Jedi Masters, and goes to arrest him. Anakin kinda just stands their with his dick in his hand and watches them fly away. 
79. Oddly Artsy: After revealing to Mace Windu Palpatine's identity, Anakin is left behind. He just goes and sits in the Jedi council chambers and sits there...alone. Across town, Padme gets up in her apartment and stares out the window toward the Jedi Temple. It's an oddly artsy scene, one you wouldn't expect to find in a movie about space monks,
80. Mace Windu's Tag-Team: Windu selects three other Jedi Masters to assist him in arresting the Chancellor. It just so happens that they're also three of the shittiest Jedi in the galaxy. One dies before the fight even begins, the second one dies just after the first one does (Two in the course of two seconds). Kit Fisto, the fan-favorite, stays alive for about two or three seconds more before getting axed. In the span of about six seconds, Mace Windu goes from having three Jedi as back-up to being on his own.
81. Palpatine vs. Windu: Ian McDiarmid was not made to duel with lightsabers. Forget the fact that he originally played the Emperor as a lightsaber-mocking totem of evil. He fights so poorly and without coordination, you'd wonder if he was blind. Samuel L. Jackson? He fights very slowly to make sure it looks good, resulting in a very clunky and awkward duel. It looks like The Force Unleashed physics were employed, if the two players just mashed buttons.
82. Anakin Big-Dumb Idiot-Head: As Mace Windu puts his saber up to Palpatine ready to strike him down, Anakin shows up just in the nick of time to prevent it. Just as Palpatine tries to reason with Anakin and make him turn against Mace, who's going to kill him. Even after Anakin hears logical reasoning to not turn against the Jedi, he does. He slices Mace's hand off and watches in horror as Mace Windu is electrocuted by Palpatine and tossed out the window.
83. Palpatine's Folly: So...in this entire scheme...it's evident that Anakin only wants to do what's best for Padme to try and save her. Palpatine trying to convince Anakin that the Jedi are evil and that they're "taking over" shouldn't bother him. In fact, it should really show Anakin what a liar Palpatine is. Anakin, up until now, shouldn't have really cared if the Jedi were "taking over", because he was a Jedi. Still, were lucky Anakin also had a hankering for power and being evil, or else him being convinced by Palpatine that the Jedi were evil would seem really stupid.
84. Anakin's Turn: Anakin turns to the dark side, like, super fast. Much faster than he should've considering the heroic boy wonder he's been. Plus, he doesn't take any convincing. Palpatine just throws Windu out the window, murdering him in cold blood, and turns to Anakin and says "See? They were evil!" Anakin just says "Yep. They were. Better pledge myself to you"
85. Immortality, Ho?: Immortality plays a huge role in Anakin's turn. It's the main reason he does so. He wants to learn the path to immortality, just like Darth Plagueis did, so he can save Padme from death. Palpatine then basically shits on that dream after he's already turned and says "Yeah, that whole immortality thing? Nobody knows how to do that. But hey, we can figure it out, right?" Anakin, if he were intelligent, would've said "Hey, wait a minute!" and shishkabobbed Palps with his lightsaber. Instead, now having his only reason for turning proven to be a heaping crock of shit, he still says "Well now I'm here. There's no way to turn back. Better stay evil."
86. Strong Enough with the Dark Side: Anakin had to have smelled the bullshit that is "Kill all these people and you'll be strong enough in the dark side to save your wife." Those two things don't even correlate! Hell he already knows that immortality is a crock, so what's he even still working for Palpatine for?
87. Darth Vader: As Anakin has now turned to the dark side, Palpatine christens him with the required "Darth moniker" since he's apart of the club. Palpatine dubs him "Darth Vader", unaware that his name alone is a Dutch spoiler alert, and sends him on his way.
88. Grievous's Heart: Obi-Wan kills Grievous by shooting him in the heart. Grievous is literally 3% organic and still has a heart that is his kryptonite.
89. "So Uncivilized": I like Ewan McGregor's tribute to Alec Guinness. Almost makes me forget he got his ass handed to him by a robot and didn't even once think to use the Force to...I don't know, throw him off the hangar or something.
90. Order 66: Of course the plot to kill the Jedi would have to have an evil-sounding number. There's no evil to the name "Order 37" is there? 
91. Flip of the Switch: With the decision from Palpatine to "Execute Order 66", the Clones instantly turn evil and starting gunning down Jedi, which is almost hysterical in a way. Reminds me of The Simpsons "TreeHouse of Horror" with the evil Krusty doll that "Somebody set to evil."
92. Genuine Sadness: Despite the fact its hard to get emotionally attached to something that was built in a computer, the montage of clones killing their Jedi generals is pretty gut-wrenching to watch.
93. Slaughtering Children: Vader wanders into the Jedi Council chambers and finds a bunch of toddler Jedi hiding. Desperate to escape, one asks him "What are we going to do?" Vader then activates his lightsaber and, off-screen, slaughters them. This must've come about following the backlash against Jar Jar. Like George was just like "Fine. You think I'm a sissy? You think I'm making Star Wars for children! How about if I have Vader murder children!" Remember viewers, he's killing defenseless toddlers to save his wife. A wife I'm sure nobody watching even gives a shit about anymore.
94. Smits to the Rescue: This is about the time that Bail Organa goes from background character to out-front and main character pretty damn quick. Jimmy Smits shows up to the on-fire Jedi Temple, is turned away by clones who threaten to shoot him, and then flees as another youngling sacrifices himself to save him.
95. Obi-Wan's nonchalant-ness: Obi-Wan escapes his clone troopers attack on him and steals Grievous's fighter to flee the planet. When Senator Organa comes in contact with him, Obi-Wan nonchalantly says "My clone troopers turned on me." He doesn't even sound alarmed, like he feels some bad shit in the galaxy is going down and his old friend is killing children.
96. The Great Jedi Purge: We have to discuss the "Great Jedi Purge". In Revenge of the Sith, it is established that the Purge is the be-all end-all plan to murder every Jedi and place the Sith back in power in the galaxy. The movie establishes that it appears Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi are the only two Jedi to survive the Purge, but the freakin' Expanded Universe decides to make the Purge look less-effective and less of a fool-proof plan by establishing instead that several Jedi escape the Purge. Quite a few dozen, actually. There's entire comic books, novels and I'm sure a few TV shows that show us close to a hundred or more Jedi escape the Purge. It's not a huge deal, but it's a personal annoyance. Yoda, in the movie, even says "Heard from no one, have we" when asked by Obi-Wan how many other Jedi survived. So it's strongly hinted that Yoda believes he and Obi-Wan are the only ones left. So either the Purge caused Yoda to stop using the force worth a dick, or George keeps allowing the EU to retroactively fuck both his stories and his characters. I'll let you decide....
97. "Hunt Down and Destroy the Jedi Knights": What Obi-Wan tells Luke in Star Wars is that Darth Vader 'helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights'. What Revenge of the Sith tells you instead is that there was actually very little hunting involved. He kind of just showed up and killed everyone. Not even the Jedi not in the Temple were hunted down, they were just gunned down by their clones. So...really there was no hunting. *Sigh* Unless you count the EU, but at this point, fuck the EU.
98. Invisible Jedi: As Bail sneaks the Jedi back onto Coruscant, he gets a video message from blue-horn guy asking him to appear at a special session of Congress. How he didn't see the Jedi from his video message, I can't even tell you.
99. Better than the Rest: So Obi-Wan and Yoda decide to sneak into the Jedi Temple during the special session of Congress called by the Chancellor. We just got done watching Ki-Adi Mundi have trouble deflecting moderately-paced blaster fire, but Obi-Wan and Yoda deflect fast-paced blaster fire from a few dozen clone troopers with ease.
100. Political Reorganization: During this "special session of Congress", Palpatine tells the crowd that he will reorganize the Republic into the first 'Galactic Empire', to ensure a 'safe and secure society'. What he fails to explain is why doing so will do just that. Plus, everyone just applauds wildly. Imagine if America was like "We're not a democratic republic anymore. We're reorganizing into a communist-monarchy! Or perhaps a socalist-empire? Social media would have rants up the ass.
101. "How Liberty Dies": Personally, I have no problem with this political satire. I'm just glad the internet made memes out of Natalie Portman during the 2016 Presidential Election.
102. Coded Jedi Message: Once inside the Temple, Obi-Wan recalibrates the coded message beckoning all Jedi to return, to have it tell them to stay away. Great plan. There must be more Expanded Universe novels, TV shows and comic books, after all.
103. Hello, Goodbye: So Vader kills all of the Jedi in the Temple, and then is told by Palpatine to go to the Mustafar system to kill the Seperatist leaders. Vader takes a detour and stops by to talk to his wife, telling her the Jedi tried overthrowing the Republic and then splitting right away. Padme is someone who's been worrying about Anakin since the downfall started, but Anakin stops in for five-minutes just to ditch her again.
104. Jedi Security Footage: I find it acceptable the Jedi Temple has close-circuit video cameras somewhere recording security footage for viewing on holograms. What I can't stand is that there isn't a morbidly obese Jedi eating donuts named "Barry" that monitors seventeen closed-circuit cameras at all times. Just any ol' Joe can wander up to the security footage and watch it.
105. Learning the Truth: So Obi-Wan and Yoda, supposedly Force-powered, intuitive Jedi Knights need security hologram footage to show them what anyone with a brain stem could've guessed: Anakin is the one who killed the Jedi in the Temple and devoted himself to Palpatine. Obi-Wan doesn't even break down or shed a tear, he just shuts off the footage and says "I can't watch anymore". 
106. Yoda's Dynamite Plan: Yoda decides that the best way for Obi-Wan and him to beat up the Sith and take back the galaxy, is to split up. Why? They're both on the same planet as Palpatine, why not go double-team him (giggity) and then fly to wherever the hell Anakin is and double-team him (giggity)? Splitting up just increases their chances of failure.
107. Not Strong Enough: Obi-Wan can't stomach the thought of killing Anakin, so he beckons Yoda to allow him to kill the Emperor. Yoda responds that Obi-Wan is not strong enough to kill the Emperor. The audience starts wondering why that is. Obi-Wan sword-fights with finesse, power and speed and is fluent in all forms of lightsaber combat. If they watched the lightsaber duel with Windu, they'd know Palpatine sword fights like an Alzheimer's patient attempting to solve a Calculus equation. Obi-Wan would have handed Palpatine his wrinkly butt on a silver platter..
108. Questioning Padme: Obi-Wan shows up at Padme and Anakin's apartment and starts questioning her on Anakin's whereabouts. When she refuses to tell him, he decides to drop the bomb that Anakin killed the Jedi in the temple, swore himself to the Sith and turned to the dark side (because dropping all this knowledge on a hysterical woman will surely get her to side with him). When she still won't give up her husband, Obi-Wan splits.
109. "Anakin is the father, isn't he?": So Obi-Wan determines that Padme is pregnant, and asks the most obvious question of obvious questions. When she doesn't respond to that either, he just says "I'm so sorry" and walks off. Obi-Wan, look, I know you're trying to find your demented, sand-hating lunatic of a friend, but you could benefit from some sensitivity training.
110. Killing the Separatists: In a truly dark and well-done scene, Vader lands on Mustafar, enters a mining station and coldly kills all the Separatist leaders, including that frog-faced fuck Nute Gunray. This scene is well paced and well acted, so much so that you wonder if it was shot on a day that Lucas had off.
111. Tying Up Loose Ends: Once Anakin becomes Darth Vader, the entire rest of the movie is devoted to tying up the loose ends before the prequels carry the story into the opening of Star Wars. It makes you feel good because if you're marathoning these movies, you'd realize that the best is yet to come.
112. Padme intervenes: Padme flies to Mustafar and confronts her husband about what Obi-Wan told her. He scoffs at it, though he doesn't deny it, and says merely that Obi-Wan is trying to turn her against him. This scene is very emotional and well, done EXCEPT Natalie Portman conjures the ability to cry and feel sad, and Hayden Christensen channels his inner block of wood and acts accordingly.
113. Padme's Conundrum: Obi-Wan told Padme that Anakin was seen on security holograms "killing younglings". Padme then goes to Anakin, and in an attempt to reason with him, demands they run away together to "raise their child". Anakin, who was just accused of killing younglings... is someone Padme wants alone around their young child. This has "Bad News" written all over it.
114. Anakin Strangles His Wife: The cherry on top of the 'Anakin's-a-dumbass-with-a-poor-character-arc' sundae: Anakin decides to Force choke his wife into unconsciousness when he suspects she brought Obi-Wan with her to kill him. This renders his motives, his desires, his temptation from Palpatine, his turn to the dark side, and the past two hours of drama...entirely pointless.
115. Obi-Wan vs. Anakin: The duel between Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi on Mustafar still stands as an epic focal point of the entire Star Wars saga. I think it was done with all the love and soul for the story that George had left, We'd only read about this duel on toy boxes and novellas, and now we get to see it. Some people say it goes on too long and gets a little over the top at times. While I agree swinging from cables and climbing towers while still fighting is a little over-the-top, but it goes on as long as it needs to. I think it's beautiful.
116. Twirling Swords: There's one point in the duel that stands out as silly. It's a point in the mining center control room where Obi-Wan and Anakin carry their fight. There's a moment where, for a few seconds, Obi-Wan and Anakin blindly swing their lightsabers at each other but never make contact. It's just blind lightsaber waving. Kind of derails the momentum.
117. Marshall Dillon Strikes Back: One of my favorite things about Yoda during this climax is that he walks around like he doesn't give a fuck. Just like the marshall of the old westerns. Two Imperial guards go to stick him, and he just punts them against a wall.
118. Fingertip Lightning: Considering it's the third Star Wars movies to showcase finger lightning, it starts getting pretty dull that the Jedi fall for it every single time. I've always wanted to see how they counteract Force chokes, but nope! Straight to the finger lightning.
119. Tarzan Fighting: As stated earlier, Obi-Wan and Vader duke it swinging from cables like Tarzan fighting Sabor in..., well, Tarzan.
120. The Emperor's Cackling: During his duel with Yoda, the Emperor spends time talking really slowly and really enunciating things, or he just cackles. He even stops at one point and motions like he's going to wipe dribble from his chin. Ian McDiarmid must've forgot to do his condescending chuckle from Return of the Jedi, sinister.
121. Destruction of the Senate: The scene where Palpatine is throwing Senate pods at Yoda during the chorus of Duel of the Fates is still such a powerful scene and I still get goosebumps when it comes on. It symbolizes the defeat of the Republic and the beginning of the Galactic Empire, the fall of the Jedi and the rise of the Sith, the victor of Palpatine and the exile of Yoda, the end of the prequels and the start of the originals ALLin the course of the scene. Powerful stuff.
122. "From My Point of View": When you ask a Star Wars fan why Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader, 99% of them will tell you it was to save Padme's life. So why, when arguing with Obi-Wan Kenobi, does Anakin tell him "I should've known that the Jedi were taking over. From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"? Is it because they were holding him back from being a Master? Boo-fucking-hoo, you still got to be on the council. At that point, you're just being petty. Was it because they didn't have the power to save Padme? Palpatine doesn't either, in fact he blatantly told you he doesn't after you turn! Obi-Wan should've just Leonidas-kicked him into the lava for being such a dunce.
123. The High Ground: I still have yet to determine if the combat notion of "the high ground" is a recognized battle advantage. Obi-Wan seems to think so. He stops the fight dead when he attains it.
124. Into Exile: Yoda gets tossed onto the floorof the Senate, conveniently losing his lightsaber in the process to show why he didn't have it in The Empire Strikes Back. Instead of climbing back to show Palpatine what for, he surrenders, escapes with Bail Organa, and instantly puts himself into exile. Yoda gives up easier than a college student during midterms.
125. Up in Smoke: The girls I went to high school were right all along, I guess. Hayden Christensen is hot. Hot enough to where he fucking bursts into flames on the tip of a lava bank and becomes a melted slab of beef barbecuing on a gravely grill.
126. James Earl Christensen: When Vader gets his armor, Hayden Christensen immediately transforms into James Earl Jones.
127. Is Padme Safe?: James Earl Jones, known for making Vader a menacing badass in the 70's and 80's, asking if Padme is safe and alright makes my brain hurt. Someone once noted this scene as one of many that symbolizes an "unholy marriage between Prequel and Original".
128. NOOOOOOO!: Stop. Stop it. Having a character shout "No!" in a movie is so cliche and stupid and there's never a single point in a movie where it serves the tone well. Having Darth Vader do it of all people is also an insult on top of an insult. You know what would've worked much better? They should've had Vader growl in agony, causing his throat to spark with his new machinery and smash his fists into the ground, sending a Force shockwave throughout the entirety of the room and eradicating everything but him and Palpatine. That would've amounted to so much more, emotionally.
129. Losing the Will to Live: As the Jedi watch over Padme as she gives birth, the droid says "for reasons we can't explain, we're losing her", meaning Padme. "She's lost the will to live" is a lazy excuse that shouldn't have even been included. I think CinemaSins said it best, "just call it the 'I'm not in the original trilogy' disease".
130. Quick Transition: There's a scene close to the end where we see Vader on the bridge of a Star Destroyer, and the interior already resembles OT Star Destroyers and the officers are already in their grey uniforms. That was...fast to say the least. Unless that scene takes place like two years later, but then it'd just be out of place.
131. Tarkin: There's a discount Grand Moff Tarkin in the background during that very scene. You'd think with George wanting to be the pioneer of CGI special effects, he would've beaten Rogue One to the punch digitally resurrecting Peter Cushing.
132. Qui-Gon & Immortality: After they decide how to split up Anakin's children so they'll be kept safe, Yoda tells Obi-Wan that he has training for him on Tatooine during his exile. "A friend has learned the path to immortality and has returned from the netherworld of the Force". It's funny to think a big star like Liam Neeson gets a passing glance, but it's even funnier when you learn he was suppose to have a cameo communing with Yoda. So Qui-Gon learned how to be immortal and now Obi-Wan is going to train with him to learn how. This most heavily hints at how Obi-Wan and Yoda become Force Ghosts when they die.
     
     Plus it's a double-dumbass on Anakin, because now the Jedi know the path to immortality, meaning Anakin destroyed the Republic, killed his wife, turned his back on all those who loved and trusted him, lost his limbs and burnt alive for absolutely nothing.
133. The End: Finally, the scene where Obi-Wan delivers baby Luke Skywalker to Owen and Beru on Tatooine is so strong and well done, as its so reminiscent of Star Wars. Hell, even the DVD chapter for this scene was called "A New Hope". Music swells as Owen and Beru watch over the two suns and the end credits kick in.

So that was it. 131 nitpicks later, and the Nitpick Express's nitpicking of the Star Wars prequel trilogy is in the books? What's going on next? What's up next for the Nitpick Express? I wanted to nitpick The Lion King next, maybe kickstarting a Disney anthology of nitpickings, but I also want to nitpick the original trilogy next too. Only time will tell, as Kent Brockman once said. Until then, adios! I hope you enjoyed...

...I'm also sorry this took so long.