The Nitpick Express - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Hello again. I gave myself a couple months off after Halloweenfest where I gave the Halloween movies my own personal ranking. Well, I've been meaning to get back on the horse before Thanksgiving...then before Christmas...and now that it's 2017, it's high time to start a'blogging again.

So to kick off this year, what shall we talk about? Well, allow me to start off the year by grabbing my trusty billy club of hate and whacking the dead horse's carcass. That's right, it's Star Wars discussion time. Not only that, but I'm going to whack that dead horse a couple good times more for good measure because we're nitpicking the prequels.

Now, look around the internet. Google "Star Wars prequels" and see what you get. For every ten returned results, five of them are about how the prequels are garbage and five more are about how they're secretly brilliant. We've come a long way because in the late 2000's, it was all hate-hate-hate and George Lucas directed his final movie in Revenge of the Sith and ended his cinematic directorial career on a high note. Still, he's also responsible for Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, so kind of a mixed result.

Now, what I've always wanted to do is do in-depth reviews of the prequels and give my opinions and observe, compare, analyze and discuss them in a vibrant and fair manner. However, I can't bring myself to do that without tearing open a can or two of verbal whoop-ass. So instead we're going to dumb it down, and have a blast by nitpicking them. I'm going to go through the entire movie's plot and nitpick everything. Nitpicking is far more fun and enjoyable for the reader than another review. I'll do more in-depth reviews sometime, but for now, we're getting the "nitpicking" saga started with the greatest cinematic opus to ever come down the pike. I'll make a list below of every single goddamn nitpick and number them accordingly. They'll be listed in chronological order of occurrence so for those who haven't seen the prequels, I can sort of talk you through them. First and foremost, we're getting off on the right foot for nitpicking by choosing Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Arguably and often flat-out denominated as the weakest in the entire saga, Episode I gave us midichlorians, Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar Binks and PlayStation-esque computer imagery. It is a nitpicker's dream.

DISCLAIMER: Most of these nitpicks will be done for fun. Some of them are genuine complaints about the movie, but most of them will be just me being a dork. You'll be able to tell which ones.

THE NITPICK EXPRESS
presents
STAR WARS Episode I - The Phantom Menace

1. Title: What's with the title? The Phantom Menace? I like it, it refers to Palpatine so you're well aware of what's going on. Still sounds like a hokey 1930's horror serial, though.
2. Crawl: The movie's opening crawl introduces us to the plot revolving around taxation, trade and disputes. You sit there and wonder why you came to the theater to watch Star Wars, but got stuck reviewing junior-year history & government classes.
3. Obi-Wan's braid: I get that Lucas was trying to denote Jedi Padawan learners in the times of the Old Republic, and seeing as how tattoos and piercings would look trashy, he felt he had to use the hair. Why not dress them in a different colored tunic, or give them a certain colored lightsaber? His hair just makes him look like a tree-hugging dufus.
4. Palpatine's an Asshole: The two viceroys of the Trade Federation send Palpatine a message letting them know they have Jedi on their hands, and within one minute, Palpatine tells one of them, in effect, to get the fuck off of the call. Clearly some kind of rod was shoved up his ass that day.
5. "Corporal": Let me ask, why do the battle droids carry rank? It makes zero sense. They're all built the same. So what? One's got red highlights so that makes him a higher rank? Don't give me the "they need somebody in charge" argument. The droid control ships orbiting Naboo are in charge. The droids don't need rank.
6. Qui-Gon forgets about the Force: During the initial assault, Qui-Gon ignores the battle and begins slicing through the door to get to the viceroys. I guess having the Force wouldn't come in handy with a door. What? Did it just fucking slip his mind that he could lift the door off of his hinges?
7. "Stow aboard seperate ships": This is just plain stupid. Qui-Gon goes from neglecting the Force to neglecting common sense. Why split up on seperate ships? What purpose does that serve? What if you land on opposite sides of the planet? What are you going to do, hail a cab? Take a bus? I swear Obi-Wan drew the short straw when the Padawans got assigned Masters.
8. Jar Jar Binks: Okay. *Deep breath*. I know you've probably read a shit ton of posts online about this. You've probably listened to your friends rant, or watched a YouTube video tearing him apart, or been in a web forum wishing religious torture upon him. Jar Jar's taken more abuse than Steve Bartman, so I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I can simply reiterate that Jar Jar Binks not only single-handedly ruins the scenes he's in, not only could have arguably derailed the prequels' chances at success, not only is a stereotypical representation of black-face 1930's cartoons, but is easily the worst cinematic character ever put on screen. In a movie devoid of emotion, Jar Jar is the most energetic thing we get, and he's the unfunniest thing imaginable. You can name characters that are more stupid, more annoying, more redundant or anything else, but at least they have redeeming qualities somewhere. Jar Jar Binks has no redeeming qualities. He's literally a physical representation of a cancerous growth if the film reel was a human body. Jar Jar Binks is cinema poison. Period.
9. "Exsqueeze Me": *Sigh*
10. Olympic Pool Diving: To further annoy us, or just for shits n' giggles, Lucas has Jar Jar suspend all disbelief by leaping fifteen-twenty feet in the air, tumbling and spinning, before diving into a lake. His obnoxiousness is hurdling Kardashian-levels of annoying.
11. Boss Nass: Boss Nass is a fucking imbecile. Who elected this fat bastard the Boss of Gunga City? First he claims that the Naboo people don't know of him and the Gungans, when his city is an underwater metropolis the size of Dallas, Texas. So the Gungans never go to the surface? The Naboo people don't go underwater? Next he claims that even if the droids take control of Naboo, it still doesn't mean that they've taken control of him. Hey jackass, if they own the planet and your city's on the planet, there's a certain property of mathematics that tells us that they own you, too. Finally, he claims that the quickest way to the Naboo people is "through the planet's core". If taking one college-level geology course has taught me anything, it's that you can't just stroll through a planet's core. For any reason with any tool.
12. Droid Dumbasses: Speaking of the planet core thing, apparently they have to drive through the sea and through the planet's core to get to the Naboo. This apparently tells us that the Naboo are on the opposite side of the planet. So the droids... demonstrating the continuous ineptitude of the movie... land on the opposite side of the planet from the Naboo, then drive all the way there and invade them. Instead of just... psh, I don't know... LANDING IN THE CITY?
13. The Jedi take Jar Jar: Right as you were hoping Jar Jar would get left behind, some bullshit Gungan religion crap forces the plot to force Qui-Gon to take Jar Jar Binks along for the journey, basically inciting the first wave of movie patrons to leave the theater in bitter disappointment.
14. The Fish: A fish literally tries to eat them while they're inside the metal Gungan sub. I'm like 99% sure fish don't eat metal, at least not intentionally.
15. The Bigger Fish: During the escape, a large fish (like skyscraper large) eats the fish that was attacking the Jedi and Jar Jar. Qui-Gon just calmly turns and mutters "there's always a bigger fish". He's unusually calm and dull, like he didn't just get attacked by a huge fish.
16. The Sub Losing Power: During their travel, the sub breaks down underwater. Obi-Wan touches two wires and the sub starts up again less than a minute later. I don't understand the need for more drama when you're just going to resolve it in thirty seconds.
17. Jar Jar Doesn't STFU: During the sub ride, the fish attack and the trip to the city of Theed, Jar Jar has about nine words to every one Jedi word. He talks, he talks, he cries, he freaks out. The sub scenes probably sent the next wave of movie patrons packing.
18. "Invasion!": I love that Lucas included a crackpot character in the Queen's council. Communications go out on the planet and the first thing Kris Kringle jumps to is "invasion!" Please, Mediacom goes out every five minutes but you don't see me searching the skies for North Korean bomber jets.
19. Droid Invasion: The size of the droid army invading Theed is unacceptable. The cost of having a droid army this size is too large for a simple Trade Federation. Where did they get the money for this army? Trades? Hey if you read the crawl, they only govern the trade routes. The army, meanwhile,  has tanks, carriers, a million or more droids with pre-equipped blasters, droid skiffs, large planes that carry the droid carriers; it really brings up Star Wars cost-efficiency as a whole. 
20. Droid Expendability: Aside from having so many of them, it turns out the Trade Federation must've cut cost corners somewhere because these droids are useless. The Jedi cut them up like construction paper. They pose literally no threat. In scenes the Jedi are in, they fire at the Jedi but get their blasters deflected. In scenes the Jedi aren't in, they fire blindly at the air and get gunned down by the humans. There's even a popular behind-the-scenes clip of George Lucas showing one to Steven Spielberg and going "they aren't very efficient. The Jedi cut them up like butter."
21. The Queen's Voice: The Queen sounds like her balls dropped below her knees. She's got a bassline voice that a bass choir would be envious of.
22. A Treaty to Make An Invasion Legal: Umm...what? Yeah, no that doesn't work. Imagine if Hitler forced Poland to sign a treaty. Poland's just going to roll over and take it in the ass?
23. Too Many Pilots: I make a note of this in my Phantom Menace satire. The droids have twenty or more pilots hostage. Obi-Wan frees them all and they scatter. You don't see where they all go, but a few are seen boarding the ship the heroes fly off in. Did all twenty pilots board this one ship? That's priceless.
24. The Shield Generator: The shield generator, something you would think is pretty fucking important on a starship, is placed right underneath the surface of the hull, making it a pretty easy target for marauders and evil-doers. Whoever designed this ship is an asshole.
25. R2-D2: R2-D2 is one of the astromech droids sent to the ship's wing when the shield generator gets hit. It creates needless tension because we know he's going t survive because of the original trilogy. Still, it's a pretty cool scene, especially to get Obi-Wan to actually utter the line "We're losing droids fast!" in a serious context.
26. The hyperdrive is leaking: "Leaking?" Okay, to propel yourself lightyears through space at instantaneous speeds is something science hasn't achieved yet, but I'm sure you don't go thousands of lightyears a second on 87 octane unleaded gasoline. Nothing is "leaking", you're just losing power.
27. R2's award ceremony: Gotta admit, pretty cheesy. It's like holding an award ceremony for your pizza oven for cooking the night's dinner correctly. Then one of the hand maiden's gets chosen to clean R2 because "it deserves their gratitude". Next dinner party, I'm selecting one of my friends to clean the pizza oven because it'll deserve our gratitude.
28. Jar Jar meets Padme: There's a pointless scene where Jar Jar finds and introduces himself to Padme while she's cleaning R2-D2. This scene is entirely pointless and could've been omitted. Both characters aren't in the original trilogy, nothing that advances the plot is said, and it's Jar Jar rambling some more. Cut it.
29. Qui-Gon instead of Obi-Wan: I don't know if it's because Liam Neeson had it in his contract or what, but it would've made boatloads more sense concerning the original films that Obi-Wan go into town and find Anakin. That would've impacted the story eons more than Qui-Gon going. The fact that Obi-Wan, played by cinematic badass Ewan McGregor, gets left on the ship to just sit around and jack off for forty minutes while Qui-Gon hogs the screen time is a Star Wars sin upon sins. Concerning the future prequels, it starts Obi-Wan and Anakin's friendship off on an awkward note.
30. Jar Jar Steps in Poop: During the walk into town, Jar Jar steps in animal shit and wipes it in the sand, derailing the serious tone yet again. Kids would laugh, but they're passed out from being bored to death by the trade dispute jargon earlier, so this scene is ultimately rendered unnecessary. Cut it.
31. Watto: How many more stereotypes are we shamelessly shoe-horning into the movie? A money-hungry being with a speech inflection and a big nose? Gee, kinda like every major media representation of a Jewish person? All he's missing is a beard, a yamaka and shouting "shalom!" to newcomers. George Lucas is a dick.
32. Jake Lloyd: Give the kid a break. He was like nine and naive. Nowadays he's an emotionally crippled human being because of his experiences making this movie and the resulting backlash. You try acting from direction by an emotionless drone of a director and made to say this ridiculous, mouth-numbing, tongue-twisting malarkey all before you've even hit puberty. You'd end up a whacko, too.
33. Angels: In their inevitable, fateful meeting, Anakin asks Padme if she's an angel. Smooth. Though I don't understand the inclusion of Christian beliefs in a Star Wars movie.
34. Jar Jar's Bullshit Antics: While we're getting this very important meeting between key characters that set up further movies, Lucas pisses all over it by having Jar Jar fumbling with parts in the shop and falling around in the background like a shithead. I'm begging somebody to shoot him by this point. Seriously, between the eyes. The kids will not miss him.
35. Yippee!: I'll defend Jake Lloyd to the moon and back, but this exclamation was stupid even for him.
36. Sebulba: Sebulba was synthesized from the greasers George created for American Graffiti. Still, he kicks the shit out of Jar Jar and nearly strangles him, so while we warm up to him for beating on Jar Jar, he dashes our hopes by being talked out of it by Anakin. Gettin' our hopes up for nothing.
37. Qui-Gon's ignorance: When a sandstorm's brewing, Qui-Gon, supposedly a Jedi master, wants to still risk the walk to the outskirts to their ship. Only a nine-year-old boy can convince him to actually take shelter. This man is leading the party because...?
38. Shmi Skywalker: The actress who plays Shmi gave it her all, yet the poor direction bug hit her too. The dinner scene is her biggest culprit. Many of her lines don't even break an octave.
39. Anakin built C-3PO: I adamantly refuse to believe Anakin built C-3PO. I would agree with someone who said he assembled him, like a Revell model kit. TC-14 in the beginning was a droid who looks just like C-3PO, like identical. Anakin didn't build anything. "Building" has the implication of 'design' and to design something we've already seen means it isn't 'designed' at all. He was assembled from existing parts. Now that, I'll accept.
40. Jar Jar's Dinner Antics: It just never ends. They're having a serious discussion about Anakin's reflexes and how Qui-Gon is beginning to sense that Anakin's strong with the Force, something that is very fucking important, and Jar Jar steals the scene by tongue-whipping fruit into his mouth. Suck my balls.
41. Padme and Shmi: Like I said earlier, the dinner scene is not Shmi's best day. She mumbles a lot of her lines in one octave with that indiscernible accent, but Padme responds to her or queries her in the same emotionless droning tone. It's like a vortex of boredom with the initial wormhole sprouting from the middle of the dinner table.
42. Darth Maul's reveal: Lord Sidious is talking with the two viceroys when Darth Maul steps out from behind him and reveals himself in the hologram. This scene is pretty cheesy, but it's classic too so I let it slide. I just find it hilarious that he did it almost on cue. The only thing missing was him dropping a gas pellet and walking through the smoke. "Not for a Sith" *Pop* *Tssss* *Steps Forward* "This is my apprentice, Darth Maul."
43. Anakin built a podracer: Now this I can almost believe. The podracers are each of unique designs pertaining to their pilots. Still, one wonders where and how Anakin came about acquiring the parts for the pod racer. Was he stealing from Watto? That would've been a cool subplot.
44. Let's play ball: There's a redhead kid who mocks Anakin for building a podracer and tells his friends to ditch Ani and "play ball" with him. If a kid I knew built a fucking IndyCar in his lawn, that's a kid I want to make friends with. Even if I didn't, what? I'm gonna make him, a racecar driver, jealous by wanting to go "play ball"? What even kind of ball? Baseball? Basketball? Do Earth sports exist on Tatooine? Fuck that kid and his jerkoff friends.
45. Li'l Greedo: We're introduced to a child Greedo. Even if it is Greedo, it's too convenient to have him there. A lot of the "bring original trilogy characters into the prequels" moments are done in such a cheap manner it almost begs the question of if we find them fascinating anymore.
46. Jar Jar gets his hand stuck: Another Jar Jar one-man show. You could make a drinking game out of this, though you'd totally die from it. Jar Jar steals the scene again and stops the plot dead by getting his hand stuck in Anakin's podracer's engine just as he's ready to test it. Even C-3PO is sick of your shit, dude. Would somebody just kill him, please?
47. Anakin Christ: While Anakin is tinkering with the podracer, Qui-Gon is elsewhere and asks Shmi who his father was. Shmi tells him there was no father and that she just "carried him and gave birth to him." So Anakin, in essence, is Jesus Christ. No wonder Anakin can do all these amazing things at such a young age. Maybe he can feed a dozen slaves with a loaf of bread? That'd be cool! Though, he'd be due to get crucified by the Republic Army long after having become Darth Vader. There's a timeline issue somewhere.
48. Sending a blood sample wirelessly: Qui-Gon takes a blood sample from Anakin (against his will/knowledge, I might add) and transmits it wirelessly to Obi-Wan. The stupidity there should be quite evident on its own.
49. Midichlorians: *Sigh* Okay, so. I can understand if it is an old-fashioned method the Jedi used to quantify the Force due to a limited ultimate understanding. Okay? I get that. Still, there was no better idea Lucas had than that? This is where the Force stopped being cool. I am dead serious. In 1977's Star Wars, Obi-Wan described the Force as an "energy field created by all living things that surrounds us, penetrates us and binds the galaxy together". Twenty-two years later, we get a fifth-rate science textbook explanation. The Jedi are now Scientologists, and the Force is their Thetan level. Enjoy your Star Wars prequel, you fucking dickweed.
50. Jar Jar hogging the limelight: Jar Jar Binks is given so much screentime that one wonders why the movie just isn't about him. I'm serious. Lucas inserts random single lines for C-3PO to utter in between mountainous piles of ass that are Jar Jar Binks scenes just to remind us that he's there. Half the time on Tatooine, I forget C-3PO, one of the classic Star Wars characters, is even there.
51. Gambling: To get the parts for the ship, Qui-Gon cooks up some hair-brained scheme to 'gamble' the parts out of Watto. Shmi says during the dinner scene that gambling is how one makes it on Tatooine and a lightbulb went off in Qui-Gon's head. So he takes Anakin to Watto's shop and offers the ship up in exchange for receiving the parts for it. It's a bet that actually makes some legitimate sense, except later that day they make a second, totally unrelated bet regarding Anakin's future. So now there's two bets riding on this race.
52. Chance Cube: I love the chance cube. Fuck you.
53. The race announcer: If it wasn't for the fact that the English-speaking head of the two-headed race announcer is voiced by Greg Proops from Whose Line Is It Anyway?, I'd totally ignore this character.
54. Jabba the Hutt: Yet another pointless character inclusion to further force the connection with the original trilogy. Jabba is the 'grand marshall' of the race, and has a total of about two minutes of screen time. My only real gripe is that he's all CGI and it looks like shit. Puppets were still a thing, guys.
55. "Peeyousa": More potty humor for Jar Jar. An animal farts and Jar Jar says "peeyousa" whilst holding his nose. Totally pointless scene that should be cut.
56. The Pod Race: The pod race is pretty cool. As somebody who loves watching NASCAR and IndyCar, I do love the race. My only complaint is that it goes on about three minutes too long. Plus all the needless drama of peril. I mean, it doesn't even take a brainstem to realize Anakin's going to win the race. You kind of ruin the secrecy of the outcome by placing the entire basis of the continuing the plot on it. 
57. "You have brought hope to those who have none": Mkay, well this is just a stupid thing to say. Shmi, after Anakin wins, tells him that line. Who are the people who don't have hope? Qui-Gon and the gang? Qui-Gon believed in Anakin all along. If not them, then who the hell is she referring to? For that matter, what would referring to people we don't know have anything to do with Anakin winning the race?!
58. Pathetic Lifeforms: When he brings the parts to the starship, Obi-Wan asks Qui-Gon if they've picked up another "pathetic lifeform". Not sure if this was legitimately in the script, or if Ewan McGregor ad-libbed the line out of spite for having to be on screen at the same time as Jar Jar.
59. "Yippee! Reloaded": 'If  the line's nice, do it twice' must be Lucas's motto. When Qui-Gon tells Anakin to pack his things because he's coming with him, Anakin yells "Yippee" as he runs off.
60. Our Meeting Was Not a Coincidence: Qui-Gon says this to Shmi about his and Anakin's first encounter. Hate to break it to you, Qui-Gon, it kinda was.
61. No Shmi Left Behind: Just before he runs off to pack, Anakin wonders why Shmi can't go too. Qui-Gon tells him that Watto wouldn't let her go. You know, that raises an interesting point. Why can't Shmi just escape with the Naboo clan for Coruscant? I mean, Qui-Gon's done so many other questionable things up to this point, would this really be a stretch? If she escapes, what's Watto going to do? Hop in a ship and come after her? Nothing would happen. Having Shmi escape would work out. Sure, Watto could just blow the chips in the slaves' heads, but what would he gain from that?
62. Darth Maul's first fight: Darth Maul's first fight with Qui-Gon in the desert is pretty cool. It's ruined only by the fact that was too brief. Things in this movie either go on too long or not long enough. There is no happy medium.
63. "Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi": The most fateful meeting the fans were waiting for gets twelve seconds of screentime, and it's an awkward handshake between a young adult and a little boy. What's worse is Anakin's dorky response of "You're a Jedi too? Pleased to meet you." Everything about this huge moment flatlines and falls down the stairs.
64. The Age Difference: There's a scene just after they leave Tatooine where Padme and Anakin share a tender moment and start budding their future courtship. The only thing is that Jake Lloyd was nine and Natalie Portman was almost eighteen. So...that must've been pretty awkward.
65. Jar Jar's Snoring: Of course during the above scene, Jar Jar's snoring obnoxiously. He tries to distract you and rob from emotional moments even at rest.
66. The Pilot is a Tour Guide: When the Naboo clan descends onto Coruscant, the pilot introduces the planet by saying "Coruscant! The entire planet is one big city." Not only is this straight out of a Delta Airlines flight taxing up to the terminal, but it's ludicrous. One city covers the entire planet? There are no bodies of water or alternative ecosystems? Everything is Manhattan? What a shithole.
67. Palpatine, the middle-aged thirty-something: I read somewhere on the Star Wars wiki that Sheev Palpatine was only supposed to be thirty years old in this movie, yet Ian McDiarmid didn't do anything to hide his middle-age. Star Wars fans explain it by saying the dark side ages you faster, but using canon to explain film inadequacies is a personal pet-peeve. Either digitally de-age him or cast somebody younger. Hell, you're going to change Anakin actors after this movie anyway.
68. Yoda: Yoda is pretty awesome, but the puppet they got for him sucks balls. Maybe if George didn't dump boatloads of cash into computer imagery, we'd have better movie props.
69. "Senator Palpatine needs your help!": Earlier in the movie, Kris Kringle says this to the Queen as they leave for Coruscant. Apparently there's a senator Palpatine and he needs the Queen's help for the Senate to side with Naboo. Yet here, Palpatine does nothing but tells the Queen that their plan won't work. So who needs whose help? Either invasion guy continues to demonstrate the effects of Alzheimer's disease or it's another thing that the Star Wars canon has to explain. 
70. Jedi Master Samuel L. Jackson: Mace Windu does not exist. Anytime you see Samuel L. Jackson in a movie, he's playing Samuel L. Jackson. I'm sorry, but it's true. The only thing missing from this movie was forty-four uses of "motherfucker".
71. The Sith: *Sigh* Alright, so this post is already pretty long-winded, but I must go into this. I don't really care for the idea of the Sith. I'll explain myself, naturally. Let's go back to the three original films. Darth Vader was not a Sith, but a rogue Jedi named Anakin Skywalker who "fell to the dark side". All we know is that there were Jedi, and there was this dark side of the Force they were weary of turning to. Anakin turned to it, donned a new moniker, became powerful with the dark side and helped the Empire kill the other Jedi because of it. Now go to the Emperor. In Return of the Jedi, it's established that the Emperor did not respect, much less use, lightsabers. He belittles Luke's as "a Jedi's weapon", meaning they were the only ones who used them. He felt he was so powerful with the dark side, he didn't need one and saw them as mere toys. He shot fucking bolts of lightning from his fingertips for Christ's sake. But what about Vader? Well Vader only used one because he was once a Jedi and had trained with one, but he colored it red to show how he's changed and how he's not a Jedi anymore. I love that idea. It's so intriguing and it paints Vader and the Emperor as this tag-team of hate that broke away from the Jedi like nobody had ever seen before.
    
    Episode I then tells you that everyone does it by introducing the Sith. Who are the Sith? They're warriors who use the dark side of the Force. They all use red lightsabers, even Palpatine in III. They all have names that start with "Darth". They all dress in black. More than just Palpatine shoot lightning from their fingertips. Nothing is new or interesting. It all becomes like prerequisites for joining a fan club. Sith remind me a lot of the goth kids from South Park. They want to be outcasts, but to join them you have do everything they do. It goes from something cool to a rehash of The Transformers with Autobots and Decepticons.
72. "Finding him was the will of the Force": Again, no it wasn't, Qui-Gon. It was literally by pure chance that Anakin was found.
73. A Jedi prophecy: If Jedi can see the future, why do they have a prophecy? Predictions kinda lose their charm when you can literally venture ahead in time visually and see what happens.
74. Kneel Before Valorum: Chancellor Valorum is played by Terrence Stamp, known for playing General Zod in Superman II. That alone is hilarious.
75. The Senate Hall: I actually like the Senate hall. It's large and futuristic, and it definitely looks like something out of Star Wars. Yet, the floating pods are a little too much. Can't you just see C-SPAN where two delegates are playing bumper pods in midair when they don't get their way?
76. E.T Phone Lawyers: E.T. pops up in The Phantom Menace as a species of delegates in the background of the Senate scene. At this point, I don't know whether to kiss George or slap him in the head.
77. The Vote of No Confidence: A senatorial movement that immediately ousts a leader from power because the senators don't think he's doing a very good job. If something that was regularly practiced today, nothing on the planet would get done. We'd be on our three-hundredth president.
78. Jar Jar Inspires: There's a scene just after they oust Valorum where Jar Jar asks the Queen is she's worried her people are gonna die. Or, I'm sorry: "Yousa tinkin' yousa people gonna die?" Jar Jar was never the master of subtly and reminding the monarch that she's failing as a leader is no exception. Then he happens to drop a hint that he'll be involved in the climax by haphazardly mentioning that the Gungans have a grand army. So, yeah, Jar Jar's going to be around for much longer, people.
79. Obi-Wan's a Whiner: Obi-Wan warns Qui-Gon that the council will not train Anakin. Fans know it's because they sense Anakin's dark future, but mostly it's funny because Obi-Wan comes off like a jealous son being neglected in favor of his younger brother.
80. Anakin Is My New Padawan: After the Council decides not to train Anakin, Qui-Gon just tosses Obi-Wan aside saying he's ready for the trials and unofficially takes Anakin as his new Padawan. I feel you Obi-Wan, that's gotta sting.
81. Going Back to Naboo: After she learns Palpatine was nominated to surpass Valorum as Supreme Chancellor, Queen Amidala decides to go back to Naboo. So this negates the whole half-hour segment on Coruscant completely. Seriously, Anakin's not getting trained and the Queen isn't receiving Republic aid, so what the fuck did they come to Coruscant for in the first place?!
82. "They'll Force You to Sign the Treaty": Palpatine tries to sway the Queen from leaving by uttering that gem. If the Queen was a dedicated monarch, she'd chop her hands off before signing a treaty. Besides, the whole treaty thing is still epicly stupid.
83. Bad Line Readings: Again, you gotta give credit to Jake Lloyd for acting with the shit he was given. Still, the lines he says on the floating platform as they prepare to leave for Naboo have the sentence structure like a six-year-old wrote them. God bless Jake for trying.
84. "Weesa Goin' Home!": Oh my God. Shut. The Fuck. Up.
85. Jar Jar Binks, You're My Only Hope: During the flight home, Queen Amidala tells Jar Jar that "she needs his help", referencing his grand army. This line is a source of inspiration, I think. If Jar Jar can find a way to be useful to a plot involving sword-fighting monks, sentient robots, ray guns, and floating text floating through space, you can pass your final exams and get that job you always wanted.
86. Gungan Sacred Place: This is the shit that pisses me off. Earlier Boss Nass told us the Naboo knows nothing of the Gungans, yet they have sacred land all over the Naboo hillside. He said that the droids taking control of the Naboo surface meant nothing to him and the Gungans, yet they HAVE SACRED LAND ALL OVER THE NABOO HILLSIDE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!
87. Lousy Decoy: May I ask: What's the point in having a decoy for people to shoot at if all you're going to do throughout the entire fucking movie is stand next to said decoy? Queen Amidala is a moron.
88. Keira Knightly: I find it laughable Keira Knightly was cast to play Natalie Portman's decoy.
89. Easy to Convince: Boss Nass takes literally no time at all to be convinced by the real Queen Amidala that they don't think they're better than the Gungans. If that was his only gripe about siding with them, then he's even pettier than I ever could've imagined.
90. "Meesa Like Dis!": Boss Nass found time to pass a kidney stone while delivering this line.
91. General Binks: For what purpose, or what reasoning--*sigh*--why did Boss Nass decide to make Jar Jar a general? What battle experience does he have? What strategy mapping experience does he own? I'm going to say "none" and "less than none", respectively. 
92. CGI in Sunlight: When Boss Nass joins the plan discussion, he stands in direct sunlight next to the flesh-and-blood actors, and as a result of that, he looks even more fake and rubbery than before. You wouldn't even think that was possible.
93. Spider-leg hologram: When the Viceroys are talking to Darth Sidious in Theed palace, Sidious's hologram is projecting from a machine on spider-legs. Wouldn't wheels have been more ideal? Some kind of hover tech? Or maybe be stationery in a room like normal?
94. The "Too Close" Battle: Viceroy Gunray notes that he "thought the battle was going to take place far from here" and that "this is too close". Even if this were true, that's just ridiculous. If you're provoking people, and they retaliate, do you think the battle would be far away from you?
95. "Stay in that Cockpit": Qui-Gon takes this corny line and makes it a Schwarzenegger one-liner. More power to him.
96. Duel of the Fates: I'm convinced "Duel of the Fates" was John Williams's desperate attempt to save the movie. It certainly saved the climax.
97. The Lightsaber Duel: As the fourth film in the franchise, the lightsaber duel had to be faster and more over-the-top. I think having a double-bladed lightsaber fits such a need. That and making everything an acrobatic circus routine helps. The flashy dance choreography, er, I mean "climactic swordfight", while entertaining, is devoid of emotion. The original films had sword fights that were simpler, but heavier on emotion and character. Episode I is just about who comes out on top and lives. I'll give you a hint, of the three men in the lightsaber duel, only one is in the original trilogy. 
98. Theed Palace Power Plant: The lightsaber duel carries on into the basement of the palace, boasting large power batteries and advanced power capabilities. It begs the question why the people of Naboo couldn't even survive one day without space trade since they can build giant power plants the size of skyscrapers.
99. Anakin in Space: While this is going on, Anakin mistakenly flies off in a Naboo starfighter. Then he accidentally tumbles through space, does barrel rolls, darts left, gets hit by a blaster bolt, and crashes in a droid hangar. This kid is supposedly already a pilot with at least some experience and here he is flying like a blindfolded chimpanzee on experimental narcotics. After all that, he only accidentally fires a bomb into a control reactor and blows up the ship from the inside, narrowly escaping the explosion on a whim. Everything on this piloting excursion was all luck, no skill. Yes; all-star pilot.
100. Swingin' Shields: During the lightsaber duel, the Jedi and the Sith Lord come across eight or nine opening-and-closing shield gates that look like they're straight out of a Nintendo side-scroller. Don't know what purpose they serve, but at least it makes the lightsaber duel a little more interesting.
101. Droid Binoculars: The droids use binoculars. Couldn't their robotic eyes just... zoom in?
102. Gungans vs. Droids: Jar Jar literally bullshits and pussyfoots his way throughout the entire battle. He doesn't intentionally kill any droids. He is just the happy accident that keeps on "accidenting".
103. Theed Palace Run: The only part of the climax that isn't hokey or cheesy in any way and it isn't lightsaber related.
104. Qui-Gon-Kabob: In perhaps the silliest exchange, Obi-Wan watches helplessly behind ray shield as Qui-Gon is hit in the face with a hilt and stabbed in the abdomen. He doesn't even emote getting stabbed, which is priceless.
105. "Now This is Pod Racing!": It literally isn't.
106. Gungan Victory Steal: After Anakin inadvertently blows up the droid control ship, the droids fighting the Gungans shut down and the Gungans celebrate like they're the ones who beat them, further cementing their status as intergalactic assholes.
107. Legless: Watching Darth Maul literally separate into two pieces as he falls down the pit his unintentionally hilarious.
108. Promise Me You Will Train the Boy: After Obi-Wan slices Darth Maul in half, he holds his dying master in his arms, who forces Obi-Wan to promise him that he will train Anakin to be a Jedi. There you have it. Alec Guinness's "...and he was a good friend" line was brought about by Obi-Wan only training Anakin out of his dying master's wish.
109. Explain All This: When she's waving goodbye to the arrested Viceroys. the Queen tells them they'll have to back to the Senate and "explain all this". What is there left to explain? Either they'll be cementing her story or they'll tell them shit they already know. What she should've said was "Now you'll rot away in the dungeons of Kassius for the rest of your pathetic lives", but I guess the thought of aliens rotting away in dungeon cells was too dark for this kids movie.
110. Not-so-epic foreshadowing: I've seen the Star Wars original trilogy over a thousand times. So have about five billion other people. So going into this movie, people knew who Palpatine was and knew he'd be evil. Even people who hadn't ever heard of the original trilogy had a gut feeling. So, what's with the mysticism? To try their hand at clunky foreshadowing? I'm not exactly sure Lucas knows how to make a prequel.
111. "We'll watch your career with great interest": See what I mean? We get it. Palpatine and Anakin turn into the Emperor and Vader, respectively. They gotta get that last nail in our heads just to make sure we know.
112. The Level of Jedi Knight: There's a scene near the end between Yoda and Obi-Wan where Yoda confers the level of Jedi Knight on Obi-Wan. A fine commendation, except the opening crawl said Obi-Wan was already a Jedi Knight.
113. Jedi Funerals: I get that they needed a cool way to salute a fallen Jedi, but a Jedi funeral has got to stink something awful.
114. Which was destroyed?: Mace Windu asks this question of Yoda whenever Yoda mentions the fabled Sith "Rule of two", meaning there's always at least two Sith; a master and an apprentice. Mace then asks "...but which was destroyed? The master? Or the apprentice?" Well...both. Technically speaking. Qui-Gon was a master, and Darth Maul was an apprentice.
115. Palpatine's Last laugh: The funeral scene ends with a slow pan onto the side of Palpatine's head as he gazes over the burning corpse of Qui-Gon Jinn, reminding you again the he still does, in fact, exist. What's funny is that it's right after Windu's question about who was destroyed, so it's sort of a comedic punchline of film editing. Which was destroyed? Noooooot this guy!
116. The Gift from Spencer's Gift: The ending shot is where Queen Amidala hands Boss Nass an orb that looks like something you'd find at Spencer's Gifts. I'm surprised the bolts inside it don't attract to the fat bastard's fingertips.
117. Anakin's School Uniform: ...and as well he should be, now being Obi-Wan's apprentice, Anakin makes his debut in his Jedi getup. He's wearing a tunic, without a robe, and has no lightsaber. Some bum deal he got.
118. Padme's Backwards Turn: There's a shot just after she hands the orb off where she turns to Anakin, although you can tell that it's a shot of her looking that opposite direction that Lucas just reversed. Her head turn looks a tad unnatural. Almost like she's about to turn it 360-degrees and vomit, spewing Satanic remarks.

*Whew*, wow. I gotta take a break after that one. Hope you found these amusing and informative. I'll be back with Episode II soon!